tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC November 2, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
what's happened to youou? ah. it's about time you got back. brunt. that's liquidator brunt to you. e. who could forget? what do you want? quark, don't worry. i'm here to help. the ferengi commerce authority has ordered me to end this nasty little labor dispute of yours. how do you propose to do that?
i hear quark had only 14 customers all day. and he'll have even less tomorrow. i've been talking with people all over the station and support for our cause is growing. quark will have to settle-- either that or go out of business. quark can be awful stubborn. he'd rather lose the bar than give in to us. don't be such a pessimist. remember rule of acquisition 263: "never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum." your brother can quote rules of acquisition too. i believe his favorite is 211: "employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. don't hesitate to step on them." my ex-brother wasn't quoting
hmm. what did he say? he offered me a bribe ifi would end the strike. did you take it? no! don't you see what that means? he's getting desperate. a few more days and we'll get everything we want. (electrical humming) brunt. f.c.a. it's not my fault! they made me do it! it was all his idea! forgive me! if this was ferenginar... i'd have you all taken to the spire of the tower of commerce displayed to the crowds in the great marketplace below and then shoved off... one by one! small children would bet on where you would land and your spattered remains would be sold
spare me. i'm old. i'm fragile. (coughs) i'll push the rest of them off myself. i thought you said you weren't afraid of the f.c.a. i lied. don't let him intimidate you. we're not on ferenginar. lucky for you. but the f.c.a. understands that living on this station has... c-corrupted you. you've been tempted by unwholesome bajoran ideals exposed to the twisted values of the federation, and because of that we are willing to forgive. really? but don't confuse our mercy with weakness. if you are not back at your jobs tomorrow morning your financial accounts on ferenginar will be confiscated, your families will be fined
reduced to utter destitution. am i... understood? good. i thought so. don't bother getting up. let him stay there. that's where he belongs. the question is where dowebelong? on our knees... like frool? or standing tall like sean o'brien? who's sean o'brien? he was a union man-- a man who gave his life to earn a decent wage for his fellow workers.
inar accounts? if your accounts on ferenginar were worth anything you wouldn'te working as a waiter. i'm telling you-- nothing has changed. victory is within our grasp. all we have to do is take it. now are you with me? yes! i said are you with me? all: yes! then let's get back on that picket line and show quark what we're made of. (all cheering) right now!
so be strong. chief, may i speak with you? sure. what's on your mind? i feel i owe you an apology. i allowed our argument in quark's to get out of hand. there was plenty of blame to spread around. nonetheless, weare starfleet officers and starfleet officers do not brawl with each other. it wasn't much of a brawl, really. i grabbed you, you shoved me and julian was tossed over a table. well, it never should have happened and under normal circumstances it never would have, but there's something about this station i find... unsettling. you'll get used to it. perhaps. in the meantime, i've found a solution. i'm going to move my quarters to thedefiant. you're going to live on thedefiant? i've already discussed it with captain sisko. and he said yes? as long as it doesn't interfere with my duties.
i know. that was pretty impressive-- standing up to brunt the way you did. who'd have thought i had such natural leadership skills? i knew it all along. really? no. i didn't think so. well, you surprised a lot of people including me. i've got to get ready. i'm having dinner with julian. he's a lucky man. psst! rom. she kissed me. there's no accounting for taste. rom, we have to talk.
of course not. then there's nothing to talk about. there's plenty to talk about. the f.c.a.'s involved now. and those nausicaans working for brunt aren't just for show. i'm not going to let brunt intimidate me. don't you see, rom? you should be intimidated. there's no telling what brunt might do and i don't want you to get hurt. you never cared what happened to me before. i always cared about you. i tried to protect you. i was trying to make you a better ferengi. what you were trying to do was make yourself feel important. making me feel dumb made you feel smart. but i'm not dumb and you're not half as smart as you think you are. rom, you have to listen to me. the f.c.a. doesn't have to answer to anyone. and if brunt decides to get rid of you
look at it this way. if brunt gets rid ofme then all your problems are solved. you always said you wanted to be an only child. doesn't that hurt? i'm sure it does. speaking of pain... did you talk to your brother? we talked. i need more time. time, like latinum, is a highly limited commodity. look, you're here to help me, right? wrong. i'm here to enforce ferengi law and to protect ferengi tradition and that means putting an end to this strike. well, i can see
an example of someone. what kind of example? oh, i'm sure that we'll come up with something that will get people's attention. i... don't want my brother hurt. oh, i wasn't thinking of him. attack the leader of a movement you risk creating a martyr. no, rom must not be touched. our target must be someone... someone he cares about... like that dabo girl. leeta. but she's not even ferengi. i know. that's what makes it so memorable. but she has such... delicate lobes. i'm afraid i couldn't bring myself to give the order. no, let's see. who else...
? of course, it hurts. too bad. if you're going to stand there and gloat you can leave right now. i'm not done gloating. don't you get it? this was a message for you. well, it's not going to work. (gasping) i wish brunt had known that. odo has him and the nausicaans in a holding cell. he says it's an open-and-shut case. it's an open-and-shut case all right but i'm not going to press charges of course not. i'm in enough trouble with the f.c.a. as it is. but then odo will have to let them go. either way, the f.c.a. will just send another liquidator and that onewillmake an example of you. then you'll be the one gloating. i don't want to gloat. i want to end the strike. so, give us what we want. rom, i can't! i'm not going against 10,000 years of ferengi tradition.
of course, i'm afraid of the f.c.a. they crushed my eye socket. and if you had any sense, you'd be afraid of them too. if this strike doesn't get settled soon we're both going to find ourselves tossed out of the nearest airlock. youhaveto dissolve the union. (exhales sharply) at least officially. o you mean? i mean... i mean you dissolve the union make it look like i won and i'll give you everything you want. you'll meet our demands? that's what i just said, you idiot. even sick leave? even sick leave. and six months from now
you'll get your raises. six months! it's the best i can do! no. all you have to do is make up one of your fake business ledgers. they'll never know the difference. shh! all right. you'll get your raises by the end of the week but the union dies here... today... and that's my final offer. better? much. i thought about getting you a plant but somehow it didn't seem right. a wise decision.
it's a collection of my favorite klingon operas. think about it. you can lie in bed and pipe them through thedefiant'scom system and play them as loud as you like. a thoughtful gift. you know, worf in the end, living on thedefiant isn't going to change anything. you're still going to have to get used to life on the station. sooner or later, you're going to have to adapt. perhaps in the end it'll be all of you that have to adapt to me. come in! come in! welcome back why don't you try your luck the dabo wheel remember every bajoran gets one free spin. you're in a good mood. i just got a raise
i must say you are looking particularly cleansed today. just get me two mugs of synthele a double order of hasperat, and, uh... hold the conversation? no wonder i missed you. ah! rom, there you are. why aren't you in your waiter's uniform? i'll have a large snail juice, please straight up. you know there's no drinking on the job. don't talk to a customer like that. not anymore. i've wiped my last table and mixed my last "black hole." starting today, i'm one of the station's diagnostic and repair technicians, junior grade... night shift. you're quitting? effective immediately. i gave you everything you wanted.
don't worry. i'll keep your holosuites running and fix your replicators when they're broken. this'll be good for our relationship. i don't. think about it. if i keep working for you all i have to look forward to is waiting for you to die so i can inherit the bar. well, i don't want you to die. and besides, i deserve to have a life of my own now. but without me looking after you... i suppose you will. i'll miss you. no, you won't. i'll be here all the time, only i'll be a paying customer. now, get me my snail juice..! brother.
('60s beach rock blaring) (tools clanking) (clanking) (blows horn twice) what do you think you're doing, doc? did i pass? with flying colors which leads me to believe you did hear me when i requested you meet me this morning. (embarrassed chuckle) you're right. i forgot. i see. i realize your sick bay training is voluntary but you haven't spent any time there in several weeks and when i... try to find you, you're always in the holodeck. correct me if i'm wrong, but we haven't treated anything more serious than an ingrown toenail. that's beside the point.
you must be prepared. you're too far behind in your medical texts to waste your time in the holodeck! if it's any consolation i have spent most of the morning immersed in a complicated surgical procedure. really? a classic case of atrophied shocks. they needed to be extracted to prevent chrome abrasion. it was touch and go for a while but the prognosis is excellent. you'll be ready for neurosurgery in no time. take a look at this, doc. one of the earliest muscle cars ever made. imagine: northern california late 20th century. you're cruising up highway 1. the woofers are pounding. the wind is whipping through your hair. medieval safety constraints internal combustion system producing lethal levels of carbon monoxide.
this may be just what you need to get you back to sick bay. i should have known this wouldn't interest you. it's too much fun. this isn't about fun, mr. paris. serving in sick bay is a privilege. i'd expect you to realize that. oh, i do. i'll be there. soon. janeway: lieutenant paris, report to the bridge immediately. (sighs) i'm on my way. somebody call for a driver? take your station, tom. anything on scan, harry? kim: i'm picking up another spatial distortion 2,000 kilometers away. chakotay: source? i have no idea. it looks like space is folding in on itself.
one occupant aboard. captain, it looks like that ship is being powered by a coaxial warp drive. coaxial what? it's a hypothetical propulsion system. starfleet engineers have been dreaming about it for years. in theory, it can literally fold the fabric of space allowing a ship to travel instantaneously across huge distances. the alien warp drive is overloading. in theory, a coaxial drive explosion... could collapse space within a radius of a billion kilometers. in theory. well, let's keep theory from becoming reality.
scan the vessel. can we beam the pilot out? too much interference. the ship's about had it, captain. the coaxial core is breaching. we should vacate this area of space at once. we can't just leave him like this. try one more hail. nothing. maybe he's ignoring us. maybe he's unconscious. we've got to do something. janeway: suggestions? a symmetric warp field. that should contain any instabilities in his space folding core. how can you be sure? advanced subspace geometry. it's the one course at the academy where i actually paid attention. we'll tractor him in to kill his momentum and generate a warp field around his ship. his flight path is erratic. we'd be risking collision. captain, i can make this work.
passing through the residual folds in space. steady. got him! i've extended our warp field around his vessel. his core is powering down. nice flying, tom. my pleasure. we're finally receiving a hail. open a channel. captain janeway of the federation voyager. do you need medical attention? i'm fine, captain. unfortunately, my ship is not. if you need to make repairs, we might be able to help. that's very generous. we'll beam you aboard in a few minutes. stand by. thanks again. tuvok.
welcome. captain. i know you put yourselves in danger to rescue me. i want to thank you. i'm glad we could help. i was so eager to test my new engine i pushed it beyond its limits. coaxial warp doesn't seem to be the smoothest way to travel. it's a violent procedure, but it allows a ship to travel through space at incredible speeds. considering the dangers this method of travel hardly seems logical. that's probably true but if i were worrying about danger t. where are you from? the fourth planet in the benthan system. that's about 20 light years from here. i'll speak to my engineers about helping you with repairs. without your coaxial drive, it's a long way home. (door beeping) come in. (short exhale) i'd like to ask you a favor.
like to help steth repair his ship. this isn't a good time to ask. what do you mean? i've been reading a report from the doctor. you didn't show up today. well, i was a little busy this morning... saving someone's life, as i recall. is there something wrong, tom? anything bothering you? nothing is wrong. since when is not wanting to spend time with the doctor a capital offense? you'd have to throw the whole crew in the brig for that one. you're showing up for your shifts you do what's required but your heart doesn't seem to be in it. you seem preoccupied. like i said, i think i need a change of pace. you're a different man from the one that came on board four years ago. you've taken charge of your life, turned yourself around. i'd hate to see you ruin it. i won't.
permission denied. report to steth's ship instead. assist in the repairs. we need our best man on the job. and on my way back i made the mistake of flying the prototype through restricted entaban territory. and? and, uh... sed to see me. i limped back to the engineers on benthos with phaser holes through their brand-new exatanium fuselage. i think they'd have been happier to see phaser holes through me. (both chuckle) when i was 16, i followed an ancient human custom. i took my father's shuttle out for a joyride and proceeded to fry all the relays. i'm guessing he wasn't happy about getting it back.
i know it's still at the bottom of lake tahoe. here it is. the coaxial induction drive. it draws in subatomic particles and reconfigures their internal geometries. this is what makes folding space possible? at least in spurts. unfortunately particle instabilities keep overloading my engines but i'm going to make it work someday. that's why i don't like the thought of settling down-- too many new ships to drive, too many intriguing women. yeah. i guess so. when i get this ship back i'm going to be doing the first test on a new mithran-class fighter. i'm told it's more advanced than any warship in the quadrant. why don't you come with me? we'd have a great time meet up with voyager afterwards. i-i'd love to do that. it sounds very exciting... but i have responsibilities here
would be furious. b'elanna. i have to go. so, you started without me. i finished without you. you're a little late. uh, sorry. i was helping steth repair his ship. how's it going? um... pretty slow. we're stuck on how to prevent the particle overloads in his propulsion system. have you tried an isokinetic containment field? yeah. that's the first thing we tried. how long do you think repairs are going to take? i don't know.
recalibrate the plasma manifolds tonight. uh... i, uh... i probably should go help steth. tom, is there something wrong? why are you interrogating me? i didn't think i was. you want me to account for every minute i'm not with you. that's ridiculous. can't i have time to myself? tom, you can do whatever you want. i wanted to know if there was something wrong. you've been canceling dates, you hide out for hours in the holodeck... i am not hiding anything. that is ridiculous. is it? you haven't even told me what holodeck program this is that has you so fascinated. "the dancing girls of ninipia prime." it's very entertaining. very funny. you're overreacting. i am not overreacting.
and you're refusing to admit it. good evening, lieutenants. i see you don't have dinner yet, tom. can i get you something? are you going to talk about this? if you're not, i don't want to sit here. if you can carry on a conversation without histrionics... good night, tom. (sighs) computer, run a dna stability analysis. how long before my genome reverts to its previous form? time to reversion: three hours, 13 minutes.
so i was lying in bed last night when it hit me. what you need is a carburetor. a carburetor? yes. it's a device that's hundreds of years old. i can't believe i didn't think of it yesterday. wait. hundreds of years old? surely that couldn't be of any use to us now. it all goes back to basics. you would be surprised at how often i find solutions to 24th century problems in 20th century technology. computer, access paris program alpha one: "grease monkey."
a car's engine can't run on pure fuel so the carburetor supplies it with a mixture of vaporized fuel and air. and you think we need a device like that to dilute the particle stream as it enters the coaxial drive. exactly, and a spare polaric modulator fromvoyager'simpulse drive should do the trick. subatomic dilution! it never would have occurred to me. i think you've solved it. well, we can run a few simulations on the holodeck before we actually try it. oh... i owe you a lot. ank my lucky toolbox. it's gotten me out of hot water more than once. mmm. you're lucky to be stationed on a ship like this. replicators to feed and clothe you holo-technology to cater to every whim hallways filled with women. yeah. it's great. you don't sound convinced. aren't you happy here?
i mean... i pilot one of the most advanced ships in starfleet. i have a beautiful girlfriend. i'm respected. i have everything that i've ever wanted. you're lucky. you're part of a family, part of a structure. you have rules to guide you. you don't have to worry about making a lot of choices. i usually go to bed at night not knowing what the next day has in store... what trouble i might get into. . you're very settled. i remember those days. i used to be a lot like you-- going anywhere... going anywhere i felt like going... making my own rules, living life my own way. well, then there's hope for me yet. maybe someday i'll settle down, too
sighs) sometimes... i wish that's what i was doing. things'll turn around for you. i've always found that change is inevitable. it comes when you least expect it. (laughs) yeah, i suppose. now, are we ready to try this carburetor idea on my ship? just give me five more minutes to finish up here and i'll be right with you. five minutes. and, tom... don't dismiss the suggestion i made... ly the new ship.
computer, access all files pertaining to lieutenant tom paris. download into memory core alpha. please enter authorization code. access granted. commencing download. hello. i'm steth... a guest of your captain. i have been apprised of your presence onvoyager. you are not authorized to access the ship's computers. you must be seven of nine. that is correct. tom mentioned you.
lieutenant paris' opinion of me is irrelevant to your being in this room. oh, well... tom felt we needed some files for polaric modulators but he was called away before we could access them. i thought i'd find them myself and help out. you were mistaken. he must be present to download these files. oh, i'm about to meet him at the holodeck. we can find the files there. voyager'shierarchy is complex. see that you familiarize yourself with it. good advice. janeway: captain's log, stardate 51762.4. the repairs to steth's coaxial drive have been completed well ahead of schedule. everything here looks good. just give me one more second to check the flow-field parameters.
it's my box wrench. i've been looking all over for this. i know. i should've asked you, tom but i needed it for an experiment. (chuckles) to, uh... check your new carburetor? not quite. had enough cellular residue on it for me to check your dna. i have good news. (groaning) we're compatible. consider this a favor.
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mattered most to us. massmutual's ratings are among the highest of any company in any industry. you can feel confident we can help you protect the people who matter most to you with guaranteed acceptance life insurance. call us today at at this number. call now! not at all... commander. "chakotay" will do, tom. don't carry this "rules" thing too far. i've been discussing your engineering report with the captain. she was wondering if we could implement steth's technology onvoyager. really? we thought maybe you could start on a shuttle. think you can do it? i'm sure i can. great. you can start right after you finish with the doctor.
if there's a more efficient route between sick bay and my quarters. i didn't realize you were that eager to get there. (chuckling) so tell me-- are they ready yet? uh... not yet. but they will be soon. great. hey, let me know if you have any problems. polyduranide can be tough to replicate. oh, it sure can be. i can't wait to get my hands around one of those clubs. (chuckling): ensign kaplan won't know what hit her. what? we scheduled a rematch, remember? oh, of course. i can't wait. have you been working on your putting? you missed both those two-footers last time. i won't let it happen again. (sighing): all right. give the doc my best. i will... if i ever find him. you're early, mr. paris.
minutes to good use. begin with a thorough bio-bed diagnostic. i want you to recalibrate each physiosensor making sure to enter every metabolic referent precisely. okay. when you're through with that run a protein structure analysis and then continue your review of the 37 steps of a cardiopulmonary reconstruction procedure. i'll leave you to your bio-beds. (electronic screech) did you forget to disengage the scan emitters? sorry. (electronic screech) mr. paris! i don't know what's wrong. i realize it's complicated but you must try again. actually, i'm not feeling so well. how fortunate you're already in sick bay. i'll run a few scans. uh, no, no, doc. that's all right. to be perfectly honest with you uh... this is so frustrating for me. i usually pick things up a lot faster than this.
well, that's easy for you to say. excuse me? no offense, doctor but you were programmed to be a medical genius. things always come easy to you. me, i'm just a pilot, a... grease monkey and as hard as i might try to become a better assistant to you it's clear to me now that i'll never be half the healer that you are. do you mean to tell me you've been trying to live up tomystandards? (sighing) i'm afraid i have. it all makes sense now. the misplaced aggression the shirking of responsibilities... all classic signs of an inferiority complex. i had no idea my superior abilities were affecting your psyche so strongly. take the rest of the day off. reflect onyourstrengths.
thank you. (sighing) (sighing) b'elanna. what do you think you're doing? quarters? i can't putt in your quarters? no. since when? (exasperated sigh) tom... what is this? that is... a sand wedge. it's used for getting out of traps. why is ithere? i replicated it for you. i thought we could play a little game of golf
so this is your idea of an adult conversation? (exasperated sigh) i don't knowwhat you are trying to accomplish with this little stunt but let me assure you, it is not working. i am sorry if you are bored because steth is gone but that doesn't mean that you can just walk in here and pretend like you haven't been shutting me out. you're being a little hard on steth. if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be here right now. really? i mentioned to him that we were having some problems and he urged me to... come and talk to you to try to work things out to admit i was wrong. i made a mistake, b'elanna and i'm sorry.
computer, where... com-computer, where are we? vigation matrix 171, the kotaba expanse. coaxial leap complete. how far are we fromvoyager? (sighing) computer, lock invoyager's last known coordinates and activate differential induction drive. e command. why not? the differential induction drive has been secured. a security access code is required to implement coaxial leap. (alarm sounds) this is commander avik of the benthan guard. we're taking you into custody. prepare to surrender the vessel immediately. benthan? i need a second to explain, commander.