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tv   Channel 7 Weekend News at 11PM  FOX  February 13, 2016 11:30pm-12:00am EST

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nouncer: "how to eat an orange during a zombie apocalypse step 1, apologize to your be friend. you don't have to do this. i haven't turned, jake. - i'm still your best friend. - ( gun cocks ) remember that time when we went to basketball and we were awesome? - ( growls ) - i'm sorry, buddy. ( gunshot )
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jake: that's a good orange. announcer: this has been "how to eat an orange during a zombie apocalypse." when it's your time to shine. you want to feel good from head to toe. including your nails. introducing the amop\ electronic nail care system. the fast way to file. buff and shine. for effortless shiny wow nails! so you can step out
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the electronic nail care system from amop\. find it in the footcare aisle. ( theme music plays ) ( warbles ) boy: one day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe. that was the day he became axe cop! so he had tryouts and hired a partner.
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radio: this is rockin' robin on you8-0 dial, music for parking in the dark while in rock creek park. seriously, we're out of gas. so, uh, what do you want to do now? - ( leaves rustle ) - wait, what the-- - ( screams ) - ( horn honking ) you just chopped my girlfriend's head off! she was on my list of all bad guys. - see? - okay, wait wait wait. her real name was poison poison? and her power was poison punches? - ( honking continues ) - wow. thanks, axe cop. that's why i spy on people. axe cop, this is flute cop, do you read me? come in. over. what do you want, flute cop? i'm on a night mission. i'm sorry to bother you, but, uh, do you know how i've been saving my money to get $100? well, guess what? i did it! yeah. so i was thinking of taking anita on a little romantic getaway for our anniversary. so... could you possibly babysit uni-baby for us? how much are you going to pay me?
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i'll be right there. ( shouts ) - ( dog barks ) - anita: flute cop's taking me to hawaii. - isn't he romantic? - how would i know? i mean, can you think of a better place to go on vacation? - yes. - uh, so the baby food is in the fridge and the fresh diapers are in the dresser. oh, and don't mess with uni-baby's horn, - um, as it holds great power. - ( uni-baby giggles ) - okay, see you in a couple days. - okay, see you later. bye-bye, little uni-baby. mommy wuv you. and don't mess with uni-baby's horn. it holds great power. ( sniffs ) gross! - she already pooped. - ( coos ) any more food. you poop too much. from now on you just get one small meal a day. ( chimes ) - ( high-pitched voice ) what the heck?! - ( baby laughs ) - ( chimes ) - you know what? i don't like you. i'm gonna hide this - until your parents come home. - ( crying ) babies are so dumb. ( groans ) - ( beeps, line rings ) - sockarang on the telephone!
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oooh, i love babies! i'll be right there. aw, man. flute cop has the best snacks. so, ugh, where's the, uh, where's the baby? i locked her in the closet because she poops and cries too much. - oop, smart. - now let's look around the house and see if there's anything cool to play with. - ( rustling ) - hey, sockarang, look what i drew. i call it magic world. - we should go there! - i know. - but how? - with... this! great! let's go to magic world! - oh wait, what about uni-baby? - she won't die. - she ate a small meal. - we can't just leave her here alone. no, but we can create cyborg versions of ourselves - to watch over her. - ( chimes ) ( stomps ) i programmed the cyborgs to watch uni-baby - and to punch her if she cries. - ( crying ) - ( smacking ) - see? when i have a baby, you're babysitting.
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- axe cop magic world! - ( chimes ) ( dramatic music playing ) magic world is so magical i could cry. not me, i never cry. intruders! freeze, magic police! run! - ( gunshot ) - ( howls ) - ( grunts ) - ( gunshots ) ( cocks ) ( panting ) we lost 'em. of course we did. the magic police are the slowest police. oh... my... gosh. - look! - the big magic show is about to start. - let's go watch! - i've got a better idea. - ah! - ( chimes ) - ( applause, cheers ) - sockarang: cool!
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at our amazing magic show! this is ridiculous. where are their wands? and now for our first trick... - ( rips ) - ( audience gasps ) boo-ooo. they tore our historic tent! maza lapapell babalel laba lell sabba sell! - ( chiming ) - make that hole filly well! - ( cheers ) - oh, see, now that's what i expect-- - the unexpected. - and now for our final trick! ( squeaks ) baba-shalell, make $100 - appear in every hand. - ( poofs ) - ( gasps ) - how did they do that? i'm saying that rhetorically. i don't want to know. - i love magic. - now for our other final trick: a thousand-pousand- papa-pa-pa-pow! ( poofs ) - this is an outrage. - ( booing ) now they're richer than we are. - we win! - you lose. ha ha! ( pantg ) ladies and gentlemen, these are fake magicians!
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- and good night. - ( chimes ) ha ha ha ha! whathould we do with all this money? buy something that makes something invisible. yeah, that's a great idea. i know a guy-- ( stammers ) wa-wa-wait, i see something i want. awesome! i chubby wubby you! ha ha ha ha! chubby doll is the best. - yes, he is. - flute cop: come in, axe cop. axe cop, i just wanted to check in on uni-baby. ( whispers ) i'm trying, just give me a second. because you're judging me. you don't have to say anything. it's that look. - ( growls ) - axe cop-- ( beeps ) hey, i think we should go back home and check on uni-baby. no. send chubby doll back. that way we can stay here in magic world and have even more fun. ( uni-baby crying ) i'm going to blow this baby's head off! - do it! - what the heck?! axe cop, the computer brains of those cyborgs
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come on, let's go save the baby. no, i don't want to! we're not done having fun yet. ( pants ) you are undearrest. abra-ca-handcuffs. fine, we'll go check on uni-baby. ( chimes ) ahh, isn't this great? so-ooo great. yeah. it's amazing what $100 can buy you, or $100 minus $15. so $85. oh look, coconuts! - watch this. - ( playing tune ) - it's so beautiful. - oh man, i love you. uh, honey, can't we just try axe cop again? see how uni-baby is doing? i'm sure... ( kissing ) she's fine. she's with axe cop. what could
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( explplion, gunfire ) - ( phone ringing ) - hyah! - ( ringing ) - hyah! ( sobs ) ahhh, stockang! ( yelps ) ( groans ) what do you want, flute cop?! i'm babysitting. ( whispers ) it's flute cop. yes, she's fine. okay, we will. bye. flute cop said we should take uni-baby to the park. - ( coos ) - i hate babysitting. - ( door opens, closes ) - ( electricity zaps ) are you thinkingwhat i'm thinking? - we should rob a bank? - yes. - ( uni-baby crying ) - ( axe cop growls ) why won't uni-baby stop crying? it's so annoying. well, she's probably hungry. we haven't fed her all day. too bad. i don'n'want her pooping. - oh ho ho, i hear that. - man: axe cop, axe cop, come in. this is the chief of the normal police. ( whispering ) it's the chief of the normal police. what do you want? why are you and sockarang robbing a bank
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- we're not robbing a bank. - ( explosion ) - but i think i know who is. - ( alarm ringing ) - ( crashing ) - we are rich now! let's go buy more guns to rob more banks. yes! c'mon, axe cop, let's go get em'! i'll chop your head-- oh no. - i left my axe at the house. - what-- what are we gonon do? - ( wailing ) - quiet, baby! this is no time for eating or pooping! shhh, she's trying to tell us something. this hole in the stroller, it's a cannon. but there's no trigger. there's no trigger! because it's a poop cannon. it's controlled d pooping. - oh, we gotta feed her! aha ha! - h, fine. eat, uni-baby, eat! ( whirring ) - ( dings ) - hey, cyborgs! look at this present we got you!
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the baby saved the day! - i chubby wubby you! - ( coos ) so, axe cop, do you still think babies are dumb? of course i do. flute cop: aloha! we're back. oh my gosh, we had such an amazing time. this volcano was about to erupt and everyone was like "we're going to die," but flute cop used his flute to charm the volcano. - ( cooing ) - let's just say it'll never erupt again. did you miss daddy? d you miss daddy? yes, you did. say da-ddy! - can you say da-ddy? - axe cop. yeah, she said daddy! we all heard it. i hehed it-- daddy. the sound in here is weird. that'll be $15.
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( theme music playing ) whqt areree looking at? formaldehyde, acrolein, nitrobenzene. this a aually has over 7,000 chemicals, and don't get me started on what they do to you. prematurely wrinkled skin, stunted lung growth, mr. esler. tooth loss, cancer... mr. esler. hang on... if cigarettes looked as dangerous as they are, you'd run like hell. find out the real cost of tobacco. here in the city, parking is hard to find. seems like everyone drives. and those who do should switch to geico because you could save hundreds on car insurance. ah, perfect. valet parking.
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here's the keys. and, uh, go easy on my ride, mate. hm, wouldn't mind some of that beef wellington... to see how much you could save on car insurance, go to ah! (car alarm sounds) it's ok! - ( revving ) - ( rock music playing ) boat ight, boat knight the knight that rideses on top of a boat boat knight, boat knight, boat knight! before we begin, let's make something clear this isn't about a modern-day knight this is a knight from the medieval times who built a boat that looks like one now boaoaknight, boat knight
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his boat has flames and three sterling outboards he doesn't have a horse because horses can't swim also, his last horse died and it upset him a lot, so he got a boat boat knight! - ( motor revs ) - the story of boat knight ends very s s one day the knight fell off of his boat he sunk to the bottom because armor weighs a ton and the villagers burned his boat because it might be a witch goodbye boat knigh-igh-yi-yi-yaa-oh! ( theme music playin)
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- there he is! - what are you doing? - ( dog barking ) - where are you taking me? scientist: adolf hitler! i had a feeling you were behind all this. ( german accent ) of course you did, chehest m. you are the smartest man in the world. yes, i am. but whatever you want from me, forget it. - i'll never help you! - don't help me. help her! - daddy! - ( barking ) isabella! no! now, chemist m, you are going to build me an evil army... an evil unstoppable army... an evil unstoppable army of zombies! on zombie island in space! ( maniacal laughter ) boy: one day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe.
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so he had tryouts and hired a partner. axe cop: i will chop your heads off! i understand we returned it late, but can you just waive the late fee this time? - i'm not t ying it's your fault, ma'am. - ( knocking ) i am not raising my voice. i'm trying to talk over you - because you won't stop talking!g! - ( pounding on door ) axe cop, can you get that? i'm on the phone with the dinosaur-horn store. - axe cop, what are you doing? - i'm imagining myself with different hair and mustache styles. - i'll have to call you back. - ( phone clicks ) oh hi. uh, can i help you? ( british accent ) are you the one they call axe cop? no, i am. what's wrong with your voice? nothing. everyone from london, england, has to talk like this. my name is isabella m. my father was-- chemist m, the smartest man in the world. he was kidnapped by nazis and no one, not even me, knows where they took him. - it's a mystery. - was a mystery.
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they contain my father's exact location. your father is on zombie island in space? and even if there is only the slightest chance he's still alive, i have t tknow for sure. axe cop, will you help me? only if you tell me how you think i'd look with a mohawk and a handleler mustache? hmmm. honestly, i think you'd look better with crazy pizza hair and a super curly beard and mustache - with a robot ghost inside. - that is correct. ( whistles ) wexter! - ( growling ) - let's go.. flute cop: how much longer? 10 minut. 15 at the most. wrong. we're here. - ( booming ) what was that? ( screaming ) - ( grunts ) - ( screams continue ) - oh, thank you. - i'm married.
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- ( moaning ) - a jet-pack-wearing zombie!? i'llhop your head off! i love killing zombies. - ( jet-packs zooming ) - ( moaning ) ( screams ) something'g'weird. zombies always fight me till i chop off their heads. - ( moans ) - come back here, zombies! - ( moaning ) - isabella: we're not safe here. let's hide in that dark cave. oh my goodness, it's father's laboratory! this is father's laboratory! it's just like the laboratory he had back at home. look at this! now i'm no videologist, but maybe this v.h.s. tape can tell us what happened to your father oh, ripping! daddy! that's my daddy on the telly-- which is what we call a television in london, england. it's day 28. even though adolf hitler sent me here from london, england,
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a secret potion that will turn zombies good. my secret potion is almost complete. - all it needs is a ait of cinnamon. - ( glass breaks ) - oh, , oody heck! no no no no! - ( zombie moaning ) - no-ooo! - oh no! my brilliant brain! - ( isabella crying ) no. - ( flute aying ) oh daddy. ( zooming ) ( moaning ) axe cop: zombies are too stupid to build a giant 300-foot zombibirobot on their own. a bad guy must be controlling them-- a really smart bad guy. attention,ombies. thanks to you, my zombie robot is finally ready for launch! - ( walkie-talkie beeps ) - flute cop: axe cop, come ih. - what? - we have good news and bad news! the goododews: chemist m was working on a potion to turn zombies
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was eaten by a zombibi before he finished it. well yeah. how did you know? because the zombie who ate the world's smartest brain took the world's smartest poop. that's impossible. zombies don't poop. tell that to mr. doo doo. that's dr. doo doo to you, axe cop. i've come too far to have you stop me from completing my plan, which is to go to london, england, marry the queen and use her scepter to take over the world. zombies, get him! ( doo doo cackles ) cheerio! - ( engines zoom ) - ( axe cop shouting ) we need to go now. dr. doo doo is flying to london, england. london, england? but whwh because that's where poop gets its power. - let's go! - no. i'm staying. your father's brain was eaten. he's a zombie now. - there's nothing more you can do. - yes, theres.
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i can create a potion that will turn zombies good, then i can find my zombie father, lelehim eat my brains so i can turn into a zombie too, and then i wl pour the potion onto both of us and turn us both into good zombies. - that's a gross plan. - isabella, are you sure? i've been without my father my whole life and this is the only way i can be reunited with him. now go to london, england, where i am from and save the world! seriously, i'm married. ( humming "god save the queen" ) - ( crashes ) - ( screams ) how dare you, zombie robot?! i am the queen of london, england! ( whirrs ) and i am dr. doo doo, your new husband. - ( organ playing ) - do you, the queen of london, england, take this man to be your husband? - ( whirring ) - i do.
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yes yes, come on. hurry this along! i now pronounce you king and queen of london, england. queen, you may give him your scepter. and now to complete my plan. husband, what are you doing? i am making everyone in the world poop their pants! - that's ridicul-- - shhh. poo-oop! - ( gasping ) - ( bell tolls ) ( groans ) - ( alarm ringing ) - ( screams ) oh no, everyone in the world has pooped themselves to death. this is only the beginning. oh no. no! he's making doo-doo soldiers! - ( clangs ) - ( marching ) what are we going to do now!? wait! that's isabella and her father!
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- they're coming to help us! - her gross plan worked. ( explosions ) ( snarling, groaning ) we need to go kill dr. doo doo. to the queen's palace! ( gunfire ) i've been waiting for this moment my entire life. ( squelches ) today, i, dr. doo doo, will make the great axe cop poop himself to death! - what the bloody heck? - ( growling ) i don't understand?! why aren't you pooping?! my body is 100% efficient - and uses everything i eaea - what?! i don't poop. ( whistles )
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( laughing ) you let your own dinosaur light you on fire. axe cop: i am not concerned with fire. it just turns me into axe cop fire! - queen: help! - no-ooo i hope you like being dead, dr. doo doo. ( stomps ) - ( gasps ) - ( all cheering ) flute cop, we're switching boots. - ( cheering ) - axe cop has saved london, england, where we all live. - ( moans ) - totohow my royal appreciation, i grant axe cop one new wish. i wish for all poop to go into space
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well, maybe that's unnecessary. i enjoy a good poop. ( theme music playing ) ( theme e sic playing ) (ugh.) does your carpet ever feel rough and dirty? don't avoid it, resolve it. our formula with a special conditioning ingredient, softens your carpet with every use. it's resolve, so you know it cleans and freshens. but it also softens. resolve.
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and to clean pet messes,
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awesome! we're not even at the lake y d our weekend of murder has already begun. (belches) oh, it's gonna be torture! what's thetupid point of going to keith's family cabin without keith? i never have any fun! cheer up, honey. i never have any fun either, and i'm happy. (screams internally) we're here! it's time to slaughter a wild beast and eat its still-beating heart. listen, puny girl, when we get into the wilderness, i'm in charge of all the bloodshed. you're in charge of growing up, (tearing up) becoming a woman


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