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tv   wusa 9 News at 7pm  CBS  September 13, 2013 7:00pm-7:30pm EDT

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eh, this quiz show crap is just a fad. well, fad or not, it's here to stay. and it's killing your show in the ratings. hey, what do you want from me? i do a kid show! and it's a classic. we just want you to open it up. run wild. shatter the boundaries. slash and burn. without alienating anyone. oy, these facockta network notes. can you believe this? ( blowing raspberry ) all we're saying is be dangerous. but warm. and edgy-cute. aaahh! did that exit work for you? i'd like to see it without the scream. i was just thinking that. ( barking rhythmically ) hey, hey, kids! let's hear it for madame mimi and her cheese-seeking poodles! ( cheering ) we'll be back with a sketch set in the craziest place-- a restaurant! ( goofy laughter ) and... roll commercial. krusty? yeah. quick thought about this restaurant set. whuh? could it look more like a diner?
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ooh! the seinfeld diner! are you nuts? i'm on in five seconds. 'cause the great thing about seinfeld was... you're on, krusty. ah. nothing like a meal in a fine restaurant. ah, here comes the waitress. we're losing male teens. can you get jiggy with something? you're giving me notes while i'm on the air? that tears it! folks, i've been in show biz for 61 years but now these jerks have sucked all the fun out. i don't need 12 suits telling me which way to pee. uh, for "pee," could you substitute "whiz"? i... don't know-- that could upset the cheez whiz people. i was just thinking that. i can't take it anymore! folks, don't miss this friday's show. it'll be my last! ( gasping ) quitting show biz. yeah, i know i like the area, but where does it go? get away from me! wait! we have more notes! ( both grunting )
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get off, damn you! you can kill me, but two more will take my place! i can't believe krusty's retiring. this is tragic. a world without krusty. what would that be like? what's on tv? nutsy the clown. oh, boy! oh, boy! oh, boy! well, i think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive. krusty the clown's retirement has provoked an outpouring of anguish not seen since the small plane crash that killed the banana splits. we now go live to krustylu studios. ( all sobbing ) what's the mood there, chief clancy wiggum? these kids are getting a little out of hand, kent so we're going to have to fire the time-out gas. ( all yelling ) hey, kent, are you guys still having that contest where we guess what city the weather girl's in?
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( chuckling ): that was eight years ago. is it pittsburgh? i spoke to krusty about his legacy of laughter. kent, the young people today they think comedy is dirty words. it's not. it's words that sound dirty. like mukluk. ( both laughing ) krusty ( over p.a. system ): mukluk. you like that? no charge. mukluk. mukluk. oh, can it, you tiresome tot-sitter. i was the risible one in our dyad. ever watch the old episodes? oh, kent, that's a sad story. i taped over all my old episodes. oh, you know, i had a thing for judge judy and blank tape was $3.99. what would you do? ( gasps ) those are my shows. frankly, kent, those episodes were no big loss. the show didn't really get funny until we fired sideshow bob and hired whosits. you've erased my past. now i'll erase your future.
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hey, hey, lights out! oh, honestly. at chino, they get to stay up till 9:00. now, bob, i've talked to the warden at chino and that's just not true. ( grumbling ) your honor, my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment. first, my prison-issued shower sandals are grossly undersized. secondly, the prison book club consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books. these are from the new tom clancy. although it's less painful than reading him. am i right, folks? motion granted! release the prisoner! ( thunder crashing ) now, don't try anything funny this time, bob. i'm going to be on you like red beans on, uh... hey, hey, don't walk so fast. hey, no fair-- you got long legs. i got these little bitty hooves. ( panting ) bob!
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okay, here's your storage locker just the way you left it. thank you, raphael. now, this is a ticklish question, but... you want to live in the box? oh, thank you, kind innkeeper. you going to want a wake-up jab? please. no problemo. ( humming a tune ) ( door opening ) hiya, neighbor! ( gasps ) hey, wai-wai-wait. whatcha writing there? if you must know, it's an exquisite scheme for revenge. ah, revenge, huh? half the guys in here are working on that. well, mine's better. phase one begins in... ten, nine, eight... oh, i can't wait! now, bob, uh, your graduate degrees more than qualify you to be assistant janitor. ( chuckles ) my blushes. but i am a bit troubled
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by your constant attempts to murder people. to be fair, most of those people were bart simpson. ( chuckling ): good luck. that kid's like the road runner-- he won't go down. tell me about it. ( both chuckling ) hey... you know, bob, your voice would be perfect for the school's morning announcements. attention: the french club picnic has been canceled. quel dommage. ( chuckles ) you're hired. it begins. ( evil chuckle ) ( evil laughter ) i mean, my... announcing career. that's what's beginning.
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sideshow bob: good morning in the lost and found today, we have one plaid kilt. ooh! i believe the clan is "graham of montrose." aw. this new morning announcer sounds awfully familiar. and finally, bart simpson should immediately proceed, unescorted to the old sports equipment shed behind the school. ( evil chuckling ) ha. so long, suckers.
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( humming ) ( swings creaking ) ( wind whistling ) ( birds screeching ) ( ghostly voices ): ♪ ring around the rosy... ( screaming ) hello, bart. ( gasps ) oh, it's you, bob. how you doing? no screams? not even an "eep"? hey, i'm not afraid of you. every time we tangle, you wind up in jail. i'm six-and-oh. i'll admit that the record is a little one-sided. but this time, i cannot fail. ( growling ) rakes. my old archenemy. i thought i was your archenemy. i have a life outside of you, bart. ( thunder cracking ) what're you going to do to me?
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oh, believe me, i have a plan. let's see. get job as school announcer... lure bart to shed... secure same to chair with rope... ah, here we are. "have bart kill krusty." krusty? that's the one man i would never kill. oh, you will kill krusty. during his final show. and you won't even know you're doing it. watch the shiny quarter, bart. that's it. damn it, where'd it go? i needed that for laundry. hey, stupid. ( laughing ): you looked. ( muttering ) yes, that will do. watch the spiral, bart. let it entrance you with its twirliness. twirliness. you are in my power. ( robotically ): i am at your command. i didn't say anything about command.
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you're in my power. say so. i am in your power. excellent. actually, go back to command. no, power. power. look, krusty invited us to the taping of his last episode. ( robotically ): hello, family. where've you been, young man? it's nearly bedtime. i was... i was... if anyone asks you were at the flower shop. i was at the flower shop. oh, yeah, i was at the flower shop, too. yep, getting drunk at the old flower shop. mm-hmm. now, to see if you will really attack your hero... ( yelling ) ( grunting ) ( laughing ) yes, yes! work the groin. excuse me-- could you take our picture? uh, yeah. it should focus automatically.
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it do. chief, you might want to take a look outside. that's it! kill krusty! just like you'll kill him tomorrow night! aw, it's so great to see a kid using a wooden bat. ( laughing maniacally )
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good evening, folks.
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welcome to my final clown-cast. the word "legend" has many definitions... ( zombie-like ): this is for sideshow bob. ( screaming ) ( moaning ) marvelous, marvelous. funny till the end. moment of silence. well, it's my show now. ( cheering and applause ) thank you, thank you... thank you. hmm... oh, just a dream. but tonight, i will taste the sweet nectar of vengeance. ( laughing ) ( knock on door ) attendant: bug spray! ohh... kent brockman here at krusty the clown's final show. and here comes out-of-work actor ranier wolfcastle. someone please, give me a job. i've lowered my quote to $8 million. ( chuckling ): hear that, hollywood?
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the boy wants to work. i do nude scene, i play nerd... don't make me punch your throat. ( chuckling ): always a delight. announcer: and now, retiring for the fifth and final time... krusty the klown! ( applause ) thank you, folks. now, fasten your funny belts as our own chimpendale's dancer gives you the full monkey. ♪ i believe in miracles ♪ where you from? ♪ you sexy thing ♪ sexy thing, you... sideshow bob: bart... bart... it's time, bart. time to blow up the clown. time to blow up the clown. go. blow.
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and now a special treat... my tv debut on the milk of magnesia summer cavalcade. let's watch. look at me. i am kaputnik, the russian satellite. yah! the bolshoi's doing the nutcracker in my pants. ( gasping ) back then you couldn't say "pants" on tv. i was banned for ten years. finally, i got a second chance on laugh-in. hey, krusty, what do you get when you cross a chicken with a beagle? ( banging and grunting ) the facockta doors are stuck! don't just stare, arty, help me! those lousy shutters set me back another 22 years. ( applause and cheering ) ( humming ) ( a la jackie gleason ): mm, that's good plastic explosive. ha-ha-ha.
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now, my little hypno-assassin, your cue to attack will be when krusty says "i've never had such a great audience." you will run up and hug him blowing each of you to smithereens. whatever. now we're going to show you some clips from... oh-ho-ho-ho! oh, no! i wanted to keep this quiet. ( chuckles ) can i embarrass this guy for a moment? three years ago, krusty pledged over a million dollars to start krusty's kare center. ( applause ) please, stop already. to this day krusty has not given us a dime has he, francis? i'm cold all the time. oh, look, it was all a bookkeeping snafu. could i have the check now? now?! uh, sure. god bless you, krusty. all: aw... and if my banker's watching let nothing stop you from payment of this check.
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ah, the catwalk. a perfect vantage point... for revenge. ( chuckles evilly ) ah, kettle chips, the perfect side dish... for revenge. what a special night. and you know something? i've never had such a great audience. hmm? we've had a lot... poor krusty. this is your waterloo. soon you'll be napoleon blownapart. ugh, terrible. oh, hush up, leo. you know, i'd like to thank god for all my success even though i never worshipped or believed in him in any way. but before i sweep up my last spotlight there's one thing i've got to say. over the years i've... a lot of-- whoa!
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and i've-- guh, guh my share of-- ah-ooga! but there's only one thing i'm ashamed of. "ashamed"? there was a man who used to work for me. a man of grace and humor, but i mistreated him and drove him to a life of crime so wherever you are, i just want to say sideshow bob, i'm sorry. ♪ oh, bob, you repaid my abuse with raw hatred ♪ ♪ but i need you today ♪ oh, bob, well, you went to apu's and you framed me ♪ ♪ so they locked me away. oh, that sweet, funny man. oh, no! my boy bomb! well, good night and... oh, look, it's a tow-headed little fan.
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what do you say, folks? should i hug him? all: yeah! no! hmm? ( yelling ) oh, god, a bomb! i was just thinking that. ( resigned sigh ) what happened? was anyone hurt? just some network executives. both ( robotically ): we have notes. have you thought about dave chapelle? destroy! okay, everybody say "funny." all: funny!
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perfect. krusty, i'm so sorry about the attempted murder. will you stop with the sorry? every time you try to kill me my ratings go through the roof, you nut. we are good together, krusty. it makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty. don't remind me. ( squeaking ) okay, where do you want to do this thing? isn't it customary to have a trial? oh, a wise guy, huh? [captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation]
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krusty: mukluk.
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okay, in avatar, when they have sex on pandora, they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk. yeah... so? so, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails. what's your point?
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my point is, if i were a horse or a bird, i'd be very nervous around james cameron. it amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. for example, why wasn't william shatner in the new star trek movie? hey, sheldon. i was up in the administration office, and i happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's chancellor's award for science. and you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? i am the william shatner of theoretical physics. all right, i'll play. what self-important, preening fraud are they honoring this year? oh, i'm so glad you asked it like that. you. i won? you won. i won! this is astonishing. not that i won the award-- no one deserves it more. actually, i guess i misspoke. it's not astonishing; more like inevitable. i'm not sure what to do first. maybe i should call my mother. wait! i know-- i'm going to conduct an interview
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with myself and post it online. ♪ our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... wait! ♪ ♪ the earth began to cool ♪ the autotrophs began to drool, neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ we built the wall ♪ we built the pyramids ♪ ♪ math, science, history, unraveling the myste ♪ that all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ bang! ♪


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