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tv   wusa 9 News at 7pm  CBS  September 19, 2013 7:00pm-7:30pm EDT

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coming in from the left. stop it. now he's at the right. homer. he grabs for the reach-around. hup, hup, ah, oh! he shoots, he sco-- ( screams ) my thumb! oh, god! oh, god! oh, god! i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. ( moaning ) sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, marge. well, calm down. if we hurry, they can reattach your thumb. reattach a thumb? this isn't gattaca. we've just got to get your thumb to the-- ( gasping ) where did it go? ( shrieks ) okay, boy. drop the thumb. ( growls ) nobody's going to tackle you. ( cries out ) d-ohh! 9-1-1, this better be good. i cut off my husband's thumb. attempted murder? you'll burn for this. burn in jail. it was an accident. yeah, yeah, save it for dateline tuesday. uh, what's your address so i can come arrest you? arrest me? um, my address, it's, um...
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1-2-3 fake street. "1-2-3 fake street," got it. come on, boy. come on, come on. oh, please, give it back. you want people food? i can get you people food. oh! i have nothing he wants. "and harry potter and all his wizard friends..." went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft. yay! what the diddly-yo?! give me back my thumb! hey! gaa! ( grunts ) ( wailing sobs ) marge: we've got to get to the hospital! okay, if the doctor asks why you cut it off you caught me in bed with four beautiful women. let's say that bart did it. ( groaning ) aw, doodlebugs. my ferrari. i had to do awful things to pay for this. ( grunts ) homer, help.
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( grunts ) marge, over here. ( grunts ) ( grunts ) ( tires squeal ) ( sensor dings ) i'm sorry, homer. your h.m.o. doesn't cover this type of injury. but i have finger insurance. a thumb is not a finger. isn't there anything you can do? well, i could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry. symmetry, eh? hibbert's really losing it. we're going to dr. nick's. we need more ice. my thumb is fading fast. quick, moe! marge cut off my thumb. no problem. just stick the old eye-gouger in the pickle brine. that'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious. thanks, moe. hey, ah, hey, ain't you going to have a beer? well, i really shouldn't what with my massive blood loss and all. although, i do like the occasional beer. ( gulps ) did you ever see that "blue man group?"
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total rip-off of the smurfs. and the smurfs... they suck. ( sniffs ) uh-oh, i smell gangrene. we got to wake him up. a little coffee will do the trick. ( mumbles ) what? ooh! i got to get to dr. nick's. where's marge? oh, that is so rude. oh... i know! i'll hitchhike. oh, why isn't this working? hey, thanks for stopping. t'ain't nothin'. you and me share a common infirmity. if anyone ever tells you a hog won't eat a finger they's lying. ( tires squeal ) ( crash ) oh, crap! it's on fire. inflammable means flammable? what a country!
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can you drive me to shelbyville hospital? i reckon so. somebody done stoleded my wheels. thanks a lot. now i got to walk to shelbyville. it's too late. well, old friend we always knew this day would come. say good-bye to your brother. what in the hell was that? ( clanging ) ( gasps ) linguo! dead? linguo... is... dead.
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♪ [ male announcer ] for those
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who willingly take on the day. [ screaming ] [ male announcer ] to make it better for someone else. the same way the smooth, creamy taste of coffee-mate makes coffee and your day better. coffee-mate. coffee's perfect mate. now try new girl scout cookie flavors. nestle. good food, good life. son of a diddly! ( new age meditation music playing ) marge: breakfast!
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( doorbell rings ) that's milhouse! ( doorbell rings repeatedly ) and it sounds like he has big news. yech! yech! i'll get us out of this. say, dad, want to go see my project for the school science fair? no, lisa, but i sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast. here, little fella. dad, no! i'm sorry. i thought he was a party robot. oh, this is why i can't have nice things. hang on, linguo. you'll be up and conjugating in no time. ( homer screams ) my thumb! quiet, please. some of us are trying to weld. almost done. just lay still. lie still. i knew that. just testing. sentence fragment.
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"sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment. must conserve battery power. hey, stop! wait! oh, any day but science project day. kiss first place good-bye, lisa. ( evil laughter ) ( gasping ) who would steal a girl's bike? mom, i need a ride to school! marge: we've got to get to the hospital! ( groaning ) ( music from run, lola, run playing ) idiot! you almost ran over a viewer and she's in our key demo. sorry about that, kid. need a ride? can you take me to school, krusty? hop in. hey, moron, springfield elementary and step on it.
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( laughs ) hey, teeny, you know where 123 fake street is? ( chittering ) ah, that's okay. see you at the elks club. thanks, mr. teeny. la grenouille mange le pamplemousse. all: la grenouille mange le pamplemousse. huh? this isn't miss hoover's class. i do not know this mademoiselle "'oovair" of which you speak. what's happening? where am i? sacre bleu! what a foolish question. you are at west springfield elementary school. west springfield? i'm at the wrong school! ( all laughing ) en francais.
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( snooty laughter ) ( gasps ) sorry. i was rushing because i'm in the wrong school. can you believe that? it's understandable. all the schools in this area were built from identical plans. i guess they didn't have enough money to hire i.m. pei. whoa... you know about i.m. pei? i.m. impressed. ( both laughing and snorting ) my name's thelonious. as in monk? yes. the esoteric appeal is worth the beatings. what do your friends call you? i don't really have any friends. ( gasps ) just like me. ( "happy together" playing ) oh, my god! it's 11:15! we've been spinning for hours. i've got to get to my school and hand in linguo. oh, but i don't want to leave you. you must. you can't sacrifice grades for romance.
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that's not the girl i fell for. will i ever see you again? of course you will. at the magnet high school. now, go. ( music from run, lola, run playing ) hmm... it's noon. that's about when dad gets the brew shakes. my dad's not here. i need a ride to school. yeah, yeah, we all got problems. chief wiggum, can you drive me to school? it's an emergency. uh, no can do, dollface. i've got an informant wearing a wire. just like on nash bridges. we're trying to get the goods on some smugglers. man: why, i'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. that sounds like fat tony. hmm, only one way to be sure. fat tony, is that you? fat tony? fat tony: hey, where's that voice coming from? man: this guy's wearing a wire. man 2: take him out. ( gunfire ) my bad. i can't work my answering machine, either. now i need a new informant. say, lisa, people trust you.
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how'd you like to be a snitch? the pay stinks, but... oh. quick, moe! marge cut off my thumb. ( music from run, lola, run playing ) mom, where'd you get that car? i stole it from mcbain after i cut off your father's thumb. can you take me to school, please? not right now. your father's in there and... homer: did you ever see that "blue man group"? oh, he's on the "blue man group" again. come on, we've got plenty of time. ( tires squealing ) oh, no! we're out of gas. i couldn't figure out this stupid italian gas gauge. oh, i've got to get to school. hmm... let's hitch a ride with that hick. abra-ca-thumbra. ( goofy laughter )
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dang, you could be one of them tv magic queers. ( chickens squawking ) mom, i have to get to school. it's ten to 3:00. well, i've already borrowed one car. let's go! somebody done stoleded my wheels. thanks a lot. now i've got to walk to shelbyville. there's the school! first place, here i come. ( gasping ) look out! bart! ( brakes squealing ) ( yelling )
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[knock] no one was at home, but on the kitchen table sat three insurance policies. the first had lots of coverage. the second, only a little.
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but the third was... just right! bear: hi! yeah, we love visitors. that's why we moved to a secluded house in the middle of the wilderness. just the right coverage at just the right price. coverage checker from progressive.
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son of a diddly! hey, hey! hey, hey! hey, hey! lazy, huh? get him, boys. okay, okay. marge: breakfast! ( doorbell rings ) that's milhouse. ( doorbell rings repeatedly ) and it sounds like he has big news.
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i found something awesome in the woods. is it a dead body? it's cooler than a million dead bodies. you take my sister's bike. let's see, front door, back door... gun lock, gun lock, trigger lock... ah, lisa's bike. what's it like riding a girl's bike? it's disturbingly comfortable. whoa. how'd you find it? this is where i come to cry. cool. wow, sacks. burlap sacks. it gets better. they're full of fireworks. bottle rockets, frog-launchers, weeping mommas... tijuana toilet crackers! bart: three, two, one... gnomes blow up! ( laughing hysterically )
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we're not ready. uh-oh. so what are we doing? a lengthening or a widening? yargh, uh... let's make it both. yargh! don't worry, it's inflammable. let's keep this our little secret. ( siren wailing ) we got to hide! we'll be safe in here. ( siren ) here we are, 123 fake street. the home of knifey wifey. hey, chief, can i hold my gun sideways? it looks so cool. ( chuckles ) ah, sure. whatever you want, birthday boy. okay, drop the knife, stabatha. great grucci's ghost! we've uncovered a hard-core cracker house.
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there's enough chinese sky candy here to put you boys away for a long time. i can't go to juvie. they use guys like me as currency. yeah, they'll pass you around like... well, like currency, like you said. maybe we can make you boys a deal. your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape. hootie and the blowfish? yeah, it's cheaper than blank tape. great idea to smuggle fireworks, boss. yeah, i was getting sick of running those unions. so much paperwork. bart: knock, knock. excuse me my friend and i were interested in purchasing quality fireworks. ( slowly ): yes, we are. why, i'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. ( static ) wiggum: fat tony, is that you? fat tony? hey, where's that voice coming from? this guy's wearing a wire! take him out.
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( static ) my bad. hey, there they are! gentlemen, remove your guns from your holsters. shoulder or ankle? surprise me. milhouse, quick! ( gasps ) look out! bart! ( tires screech ) ( screams ) ow. mom...! milhouse: hurry, up, bart. you ain't going nowhere. leave those boys alone!
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hey, they's throwing robots. they are throwing robots. it's disrespecting us. shut up-a you face! shut up your face. what's the matter you? you ain't so big. me and him are gonna whack-a you in labonza. um-uh... mm... bad grammar overload. error. error! what in the hell was that? ( gasps ) linguo, dead? it's all right, boys. oh, thank goodness everyone's okay. except your thumb. and lisa's science project. i couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments. perhaps i may offer a bipartite solution. there you go. enjoy your thumb.
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lisa: as the circulation returns the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery. ( applause ) it's lucky for me that legs was an experienced mob doctor. he once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolie's brain. that's a first place science project, lisa. yay! yay! all right! yay! ( applause ) boy, this sure was one crazy day. right, mr. teeny? ( chittering ) ( laughing ) ( chittering ) [captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation]
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buona sera, luigi's pizza. buona sera. it means "good evening" in italian. may i say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante? okay, i'm out of here. un momento. oh, for heaven's sake. now you're being deliberately stupid. where are you going? i'm having dinner with priya at raj's.
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i think howard's going to be there. you want to join us? but tonight's thursday. on thursdays everybody comes over here and has pizza. or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like jackie chan. can't we make a one-time exception for tonight? we could. we could also stop using the letter "m," but i think that idea is "isguided" and "oronic." just come with me to raj's. well, i don't want to go to a party. it's not a party. it's the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there. i'm sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party. how come it's not a party when we do it here? because we don't throw parties. i don't know what to tell you, sheldon. i'm going to see priya. everyone's over there. you coming or not? well, no, sir, and do you know why? in a word: tradition. every thursday night for the last eight years, you and i and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce,
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discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. but i guess our rich heritage means nothing to you. i guess you're right. see you later. wait! leonard! wait! what am i going to do for dinner? come with me to raj's and eat there. i can't do that. what if he serves haggis and blood pudding? i really doubt that's what he'll serve. but what if he does? i'll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep's stomach. and frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. i don't know why he's serving both. what do you want to do? you want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone? no, i'll go to your haggis party. but i'm telling you. this is "adness." this is utter and complete "adness." ♪ our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... wait! ♪ ♪ the earth began to cool ♪ the autotrophs began to drool, neanderthals developed tools ♪


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