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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 17, 2017 11:35pm-12:36am EDT

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>> announcer: it's the "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes jennifer hudson, chris hayes and christian borle, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: whoo! hello! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! what's going on?
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>> stephen: welcome! >> jon: good to see ya! >> stephen: lovely, lovely. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. it's lovely to be back from our easter break. you have a great time, jon? >> jon: great time. >> stephen: i missed these people. >> jon: i missed them, too, man. >> stephen: i love being with you people night after night. ( cheers and applause ) what did you do for easter? >> jon: i was in mexico. >> stephen: what's mexico and easter like? >> jon: it's great. really spicey. ( laughter ) >> stephen: easter's not over, though. easter rolls on. was it this morning? this morning at the white house, they held the annual easter egg roll. it's a tradition that goes back to 1878, back when president rutherford b. hayes let children hunt for eggs in his beard. ( laughter ) the president and the first lady kicked things off with the national anthem.
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and notice what she has to nudge him to do -- ♪ oh, say can you see... >> stephen: and put your hand up! ( laughter ) do it! do it! you're the president! you're the president! ( piano riff ) he forgot to put his hand over his heart, happens to everybody >> jon: every time. >> stephen: when i saw that footage, i almost forgot to put my hand over my face. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) yet, not the most embarrassing to happen at the egg roll. that honor goes to the official white house snapchat account that sent out this snap -- featuring a bunch of kids gathered around the -- "secretary of educat-uon betsy devos." ( audience reacts ) yes! >> jon
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>> stephen: it's like betsy devos always says, there's no "i" in education, the way i spell it. ( laughter ) so when was the last time we were shooting a show? 10 days ago. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: ten days ago. it was that night that trump hit syria with 59 tomahawk missiles. and, obviously, when you're bombing another country, that's a decision you take very seriously. he did it in the situation room with all available intel. just kidding. ( laughter ) he was eating dinner at mar-a-lago with the chinese president, as he explained in this hard-hitting interview with maria bartiromo. >> when you were with the president of china, we are launching these military strikes. was that planned? how did that come about that it's happening right then? because, right there, you are saying, a reminder here's who the superpower in the world is.
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people want to hear the answer to this. i have had -- i have watched speculation for three days now on what that was like. >> when did you tell him? >> but i'll tell you. >> before dessert? >> stephen: "when did you decide to bomb those people? before dessert? and what's the proper wine pairing with a cruise missile? a merlot? or something more desserty, like a sauterne? what are we talking about again? war? do go on." >> i was sitting at the table, we had finished dinner we're now having dessert. and we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen, aaaand president xi was enjoying it. >> stephen: yes, they were eating beautiful chocolate cake. classic war story. reminds me of winston churchill's famous address to the british people -- >> we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall, nyum nyum nyum. mmmmmmmm, cake. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: mmm... so stirring. so
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( piano riff ) >> stephen: in between bites of beautiful chocolate cake, trump told the chinese president about the missile strike. >> so what happens is i said,au, heading to iraq. >> well, heading to syria. >> yes, heading toward syria. ( laughter ) >> stephen: whoopsy-bombsies! whoopsie cawhoopsie cadabra! i got the wrong country. it's adorable. hey, south korea, before the war starts, just to be safe, you might want to break out the spraypaint. ( laughter ) it's not us! not them! ( cheers and applause ) but it's easy for trump to get his wars mixed up. because, in afghanistan, he just dropped something called "the mother of all bombs."
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what is the right thing to drop this bomb? i don't know. i watch american news, i have no idea what's going on in afghanistan. but i do know this -- "mother of all bombs" is a dumb name and a really old joke. see, back in 1991, saddam hussein threatened that if the u.s. invaded iraq, it would be the "mother of all battles." so, in 2003, for the second iraq war, we built our largest non-nuclear bomb ever and as a taunt called it the mother of all bombs, or moab. so, it's an old reference. that's like deploying a tank that says "on fleek." ( laughter ) anything in the past 26 years would be a more up-to-date name. how 'bout "bombo number 5?" ( laughter ) of course, the place trump really wants to bomb is north korea. first, north korea
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ballistic missile, so we positioned a carrier group off their coast. then, on sunday, north korea tried to show their military might by launching another ballistic missile, but it blew up almost immediately. i just want to say something to north korean dictator kim jong-un -- it happens to everybody. ( laughter ) you get all excited and want to prove your manhood and then... blameo. ( laughter ) next time, think about bombing baseball. and the missile failure was especially painful for north korea since it came on the heels of a truly awesome military parade. just look at all those troops marching in perfect unison. that's not just goosestepping. that's got a little attitude. >> jon: mm-hmm, a little pop. >> stephen: jimmy, can you play that again? yeah, that's got a lot of pop. goose stepping's just that, but this is got a
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( drum beats ) >> stephen: i'm not saying i'd make a good dictator, i'm just saying i've got the moves. thank you for that drum work. thank you. really backed it up. trump got back to work early this morning on the area he can make the biggest impact -- twitter. he kicked it off by live-tweeting his favorite tv show. "the first 90 days of my presidency has exposed the total failure of the last eight years of foreign policy" so true@"fox & friends." so, if i understand, he's quoting fox and friends, quoting him, and then agreeing with the quote of his quote. ( applause )
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>> jon: i'm trying to figure that out my snoofl am i high -- >> stephen: am i high right now or have i just been huffing pure trump for too long? you can tell if somebody's been huffing trump because they have that bronzer ring around their mouth. too many of today's kids have the bronzer ring. ( laughter ) trump also weighed in on tomorrow's special election in georgia, saying, "the super liberal democrat in the georgia 'congressio-al' race tomorrow wants to protect criminals, allow illegal immigration and raise taxes!" that's right. congressio-al. someone's being tutored by betsy devos. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. ( band playing ) jennifer hudson is here. but when we return, i'll be over there talking about alex jones. stick around.
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from metamucil. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! jon batiste and "stay human" right there! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: nice t to be back. it's nice to be back, jon. good to see you again. >> jon: yeah, it's good to see you. >> stephen: i'm very excited about miss jennifer hudson coming up in a little while. >> jon: she's incredible. >> stephen: voice of an angel. once in a lifetime talent. >> jon: super soulful. >> stephen: i'm not going to be outcomplimented by you. >> jon: oh, i didn't know it was a contest. >> stephen: she's ultra-tremendous. >> jon: yes, she's ultra-tremendous. >> stephen: she's also times infinity tremendous, john. i'm the
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i won. it's important to me. that's how fragile my ego is. ( applause ) thank you for applauding my fragile ego. there was some surprising news this week about info-wars founder and customer making the waitress cry alex jones. the insane radio host is in a custody battle right now, and, so, he's trying to prove that he's stable enough to care for children. unfortunately, he works in front of a camera. >> i'm a pioneer! i'm an explorer! i'm a human, and i'm coming! i'm animated, i'm alive, my heart's big! it's got hot blood, going through it fast. i like to fight too! i like to eat! i like to have children! >> stephen: i'm going to say that might be grounds for you not to have children. ( laughter ) clips like that make alex jones seem less like a fit parent and more like a coked-out football coach in p
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( laughter ) we were going to state! we were going to state! sir, get off the scoreboard! we were going to state! ( laughter ) just my high school? >> jon: that was good! that boy's good! that boy's good! ( applause ) >> stephen: but in a dramatic twist, now, his lawyer is arguing that alex jones is playing a character and "he is a performance artist." i'm not sure if that helps. ( laughter ) do we really want children to be raised by performance artists? "no dessert until you finish eating your flag!" ( laughter ) then tell me what it meant. of course, not everyone realizes he's playing a character. like the most famous alex jones supporter: donald trump, who appeared on his show during the election. >> your reputation's amazing.
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you will be very, very impressed i hope. and i think we'll be speaking a lot. but you'll be -- you'll be looking at me in a year, in a year, in two years, so let's give a little bit of time to run things. but a year into office you'll be saying, wow. >> stephen: president, we've been saying "wow" since day one. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) if alex jones is a character, then president trump got fished. hard. ( laughter ) this is worse than when george h.w. bush gave the presidential medal of freedom to robocop. but i feel for alex jones. everybody knows that, for many years, i played a si tirricle right-wing character. this happened to me all the time when i played my right-wing character, talk radio
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buckford. i think we have a clip. jim? >> welcome back to brainfight ( laughter ) listen! ( cheers and applause ) listen, people! the liberals want to tattoo obama logos onto the skin of christian babies! okay? and it makes me want to fight! fight with my fists! my blood is on fire! my heart is a volcano. it's time to throw a virgin in it! i'm a skeleton wrapped in angry meat! i'm a warrior! i'm a king! one thing i'm not is a performance artist! i hate artists because andy warhol put chemicals in campbell's soup to turn veterans into bisexual zombies! now a word from our sponsor: self-lubricating catheters! buy my vitamins!
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>> stephen: wow, i was so young back then. we'll be right back with jennifer hudson. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! oh, goodness. oh, lord have mercy. welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. my first guest is a multi-platinum, grammy and oscar winning artist who stars in the new comedy "sandy wexler". >> oh! i'm a
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i'm arsenio. >> i know, arsenio. courtney... >> i heard your song, mr. deejay. you have to come off the chain and do it. i love it. >> i got a call from johnny carson as well, he heard the song on the radio and booked her on the show next week. >> carson. well, congratulations. you ever need me, stage 29. i'll be there forever, baby. >> didn't mean any problems, sir. >> you didn't tell me i was doing carson next week. >> that was a negotiation. they overplayed my hand. carson retired two years ago. >> stephen: please welcome back to the show, jennifer hudson! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> wow. hi! >> stephen: welcome back. thank you for having me back. >> stephen: i love your outfit. >> do you? >> stephen: not every guest has a cape. >> i get cold easy. so. >> stephen: it is cold here. i have to keep myself warm. it's not just the cape. >> stephen: welcome back. thank you. >> stephen: happy easter. happy easter. >> stephen: you grew up singing gospel in the church, right? >> i did, i did. >> stephen: how did you celebrate easter? >> doing easter speeches in the church. my first solo was on easter sunday in the church. >> stephen: it was? it was. >> stephen: then what did you think? >> i sang must jesus bear the cross alone. and i forgot the words. >> stephen: i was the fourth wiseman in church in my first performance. >> that was christmas, though. >> stephen: we were late to church and they replaced
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so here's to performing this church the first time. what did you do this year? >> i didn't get to do too much. i have been so busy on tread. normally we have a great easter gathering. we celebrate with my son and i give a mastive easter party. so i'm here, big dave is in new orleans and my son is in chicago. this is the first easter we've not been together. unfortunately, we weren't able to celebrate this year. >> stephen: did you drown yourself in peeps? what did you do? >> i got the day off. i never get a day off. jesus gave me the day off. >> stephen: that's nice. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) that's nice. do you have a favorite him onto this day? >> oh, my god, "talk about a child." i sang it in church. >> do you want me to sing it? >> stephen: give us a taste
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here? ♪ talk about a child that do love jesus ♪ ♪ he is one then i said -- ♪ talk about a child... ( cheers and applause ) i ain't gonna sing the third verse. (singing) okay, i'm done. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: i've got to say, that is not one we sang in my church growing up. if i wasn't a christian when that song started, i would be when that song was over. nicely done. ( laughter ) you just finished the voice
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>> i did. >> stephen: is this the first time you spent a long time in england? >> i did. >> stephen: did you like it or they they were going to all be like simon cowell? >> i thought that at first, but he's a bad representation. >> stephen: he's a bad representation of people. >> yeah, i felt sorry for the brits. they're so gentle and nice and sweet people. i thought, what happened to him? >> stephen: they kicked him out and made him come over here. do you like being on the other side of the line because obviously we first got to know you in idol. now you're the person, you know, sitting there while somebody else is pouring their heart out wondering whether they could be a star. >> first of all, it feels good to have someone sing to me and not have to sing all the time. allative to do is listen to people sing to me? i think do that. >> stephen: sure, that's why i took this job, fantastic. ( laughter ) >> i know what it's like to be in that position. who gets thep
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to be on a show like that, then to turn around and be a coach on the other side which is a cool experience. >> stephen: as a coach, what is the thing you want people to know most when they walk on stage? >> well, thatters first of all, utilize the opportunity. you know what i mean? take it for what it's worth and know that who you win or not, you still have the prize, which is your talent, and you can still make it. >> stephen: well, you're the lesson of that because you were the seventh on "idol." it has worked out. ( applause ) "sandy wexler," on netflix with adam schiff, is this the first comedy you've done? >> this is my first comedy. and sandler is a legend. it's amazing to work with him. >> stephen: he finds you, he's a talent scout, an agent in the
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1990s, so it's a throwback, and he finds you in a children's show dressed up as a chicken? >> yes, i was an ugly duckling. >> stephen: my apologies, yeah. >> he heard courtney sing, and it reminds me so much of my life because this character parallels in so many ways. i worked with disney and had to greet with the characters. >> stephen: add disney world? on a cruise ship. my disney became my manager like sandy becomes the manager on "sandy wexler." >> stephen: you're locked in with people on a cruise ship. you can't get away from them. towfer be smiling all the time. >> you have to be in the disney way. >> stephen: what's the disney way. >> you have to be the disney point and be proper and dressed a certain way but it's a great experience. >> stephen: you're always a cast member? a
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always in the disney way. i'll remember what that is a little bit later again. >> stephen: you're talking like someone who's recovered from a cult. ( laughter ) >> but it's a great experience. i use the cruise ship experience. i say if i can get through this, it means i can audition for a show like "american idol." but i made it and now here i am. >> stephen: this is the '90s. you were but a tyke when this actual thing takes place because this is like '95. >> yes. >> stephen: and you've done a little throwback dressing here. this is you in your best '90s garb. because there any please hammer don't hurt 'em patch? >> there was a lot of that. i realized in the fitting i'm, like, dude, i've got that in my closet or i want that in my closet or did this happen in the '90s, like it was a lot of moments like that, because, you know, when you're t
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what's going on until you look back at it. i'm, like, this is what we did in the '90s? yeah, so that was really interesting. >> stephen: has it been far enough since the '90s it's not like nostalgia so it's come back again? >> it's a lot of things that come back. ates lot of things i took from my fittings and put in my closet, too. >> stephen: happy easter. "sandy wexler" is available now on netflix. jennifer hudson, everybody! back with msnbc's chris hayes "all in." thank you so much. >> band playing ( cheers and applause ) than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. for a healing night's sleep.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! folks, my next guest is the emmy-winning host of "all in with chris hayes" on msnbc.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right. welcome to the show. how are you doing? >> i'm great. this is beautiful. >> stephen: isn't it a beautiful place? >> absolutely beautiful place. >> stephen: now, you're the host of "al "all in with chris hayes." >> i am. >> stephen: did you ever say, maybe we could have named it something else, because it sounds vaguely sexual. >> you're literally the first person to mention that. >> stephen: really? absolutely. it never occurred to me. >> stephen: never occurred to you? because i've never been able to go all in with chris hayes. so far, just the tip. i've tried. >> how hard have you tried? >>laughter )
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man, okay? you're an actual news guy. >> nice segue, by the way. >> stephen: that's what we call in the business a right-angle turn. >> that's right. >> stephen: now your uh you're a real news man. did you cover the real easter egg roll, that it says about foreign policy? >> yeah, i think we will cover it. we won't go super long on it. >> stephen: but you will go super hard on it. >> we will -- >> stephen: you're msnbc. you'll go all the way on it. you will get that egg all the way in there. i'm not sure if any of this is going to make it to air on cbs right now. ( laughter ) ( applause ) they're, like, why are you doing this, you know we can't use this stuff. you guys are the liberal lefty news thing, right? fox is the conservative. let's call a spade a spade. fox is the conservative, you're a liberal lefty. cnn is a bit of a mismash at
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mad at cnn than you guys because he crap talks them all the time and barely even says -- >> it's the classic nag by not mentioning us. >> stephen: but things are going great for msnbc because -- explain what this guy said today? >> yeah, in a great way, i think you've seen a real awakening of civic consciousness broadly. i think it's benefited me, our shows, media from newspapers to all kinds of shows people are doing. >> stephen: explain what is happening with donald trump to me right now and, like, how you as someone -- >> how long do you have? >> stephen: let me ask you a couple of things. >> yeah. >> stephen: because i was out of town for a week. >> you want me to catch you up? >> stephen: i thought maybe we would be going to war with korea because we were dropping bombs on a couple different countries right when we left. china is now no
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currency manipulator. russia is no longer our friend. assad is now bad. n.a.t.o. is good. how are you and your compadres processing all the shifts and do you owe him an apology? ( applause ) because if what he said before was bad, and now he's saying the opposite, isn't he, therefore, good? >> no. i think -- look, i mean, you know, on things like n.a.t.o., i'm glad he has come around. >> stephen: yeah. you know, the thing about the president is he's not particularly well-informed and doesn't have any principles. ( applause ) >> stephen: but what he does have, the most beautiful chocolate cake you've ever seen. >> absolutely. by the way, that cho
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did not look that good. have you seen the cake? >> stephen: there are pictures? >> there are definitely pictures of the chocolate cake and i'm, like, that's actually bad cake. >> stephen: come on, you're attacking a cake now? leave the man's cake alone. >> but here's the thing, because to have the combination of the fact that i don't think ehe has a real depth of knowledge about stuff and i don't think he has a real set of principles, it means he's endlessly flexible but also endlessly manipulated. the last person in the room can get him to go from china's a currency ma lip later to not, russia's our buddy to now adversary. it's really unsettling. you wonder who will be the person who flips him in any given moment. >> stephen: it almost seems like a matter of mood, what mood he's in today. >> there's a little bit of mad king air to it. the way we think abo
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shakespeare depictions of courtly life, right, the king is there and the king just has impulses, and then there's advisors who come in who have actual views, and if they get close enough to the king, then they can get the king to have their view as well, and you get that feeling, particularly the way all this sort of palace intrigue is covered that, you know, who has his ear can get the guy to essentially agree to anything. >> stephen: who do you trust over there? >> no one. ( applause ) >> stephen: just had to check. now, you have a new book called a colony in a nation. i assume the nation is us, the united states of america. >> it's a subset of us. >> stephen: okay. "a colony in a nation." what is the colony and what is the nation? >> the premise of the book is there are two distinct policing regimes in this country. a part of it what i call the nation, what you expect in a free and open society, and the part of it i c
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you have a policing regime that's something you would expect in a police state. >> stephen: okay, so how can i tell whether i'm in the colony or the nation? >> it's pretty easy for you because you're stephen colbert -- >> stephen: imagine if i wasn't beloved -- ( laughter ) >> that's an impossible thought experiment. >> stephen: i know. i know. it's upsetting just to think about. >> but here's an easy test. >> stephen: a white middle aged man, i'm definitely in the nation, not the colony? >> the easiest test is how often do you interact with the cops? >> stephen: not that often. when i forget to turn off my alarm. >> and the colbert unit is sent to your house. >> stephen: they show up with guns. ( laughter ) >> a lot of people in this country go months or years without interacting with the cops and interact with them casually. we all want to have zero interaction because we
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