tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS April 19, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! good to see you! hey! hey, everybody! what's up, jon? hey! thanks, everybody. wow. welcome to "the late show, i'm your host, stephen colbert. you know, over the years i have talked one or two times about fox news host and bold fresh piece of humanity, bill o'reilly. now, like him or not, he has had
for 15 years. until today. ( cheers and applause ) because bill o'reilly has been fired by fox news. ( cheers and applause ) here's the deal. bill o'reilly fans here tonight. really nice to see them. now, bill and i did not see eye to eye on requesting anything. i've done my share of jokes about him and also stole his microwave, but he's been a guest on this show, and i take no pleasure in his downfall. i'm not going to sit here and publicly gloat. jimmy, can you take the camera off me for a second? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
it's not that big of a surprise i guess, you know. we all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room. o'reilly has been accused of sexual harassment for years. was it yesterday? just yesterday, an african american woman at fox came forward claiming o'reilly used to leer at her "and call her "hot chocolate." i know what you're saying-- "that's really sexist." yeah, but remember, it's also pretty racist. now, while this has been blowing up stateside, o'reilly has been vacationing in italy, and just this morning was spotted shaking hands with the pope. things were going great until o'reilly called him "white chocolate." pet name. it's a pet
o'reilly is suddenly off the air. like, a week ago he was on, two weeks ago, he was on. suddenly, gone. this is huge. it's like looking at your front yard and the oak tree is just gone. i'm sure the oak tree said some disturbing things about young black men, with their rap and their neck tattoos, but damnit, that tree has been there forever, and grandpa liked to just sit and stare at it. and then the tree would sell him gold coins and self-lubricating catheters. now, fox issued an official statement this afternoon on o'reilly's dismissal. i think they just took the roger ailes statement and just changed the nouns. they celebrated o'reilly's career, saying, "by 'ratings' standards, bill o'reilly is one of the most accomplished tv personalities in the history of cable news." >> audience: boo! >> stephen: no, no, no, by rating stands he is.
by moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage. ( cheers and applause ) garbage. garbage fans. >> jon: garbage fans in the house. >> stephen: here's the thing-- i owe a lot to bill o'reilly. i spent over nine years playing a character based largely on him and then 12 months in therapy to debloviate myself. ( laughter ) so, tonight, we at "the late show" are proud to issue a statement from bill o'reilly's biggest fan, conservative pundit stephen colbert. hello, nation. shame on you. you failed him. you failed the umbilical brothers. you didn't deserve this great man. all he ever did was have your back, and if you're a woman, you know, have a go at the front, too. and what? suddenly sexual harassment's a crime? but that's the country we live in now--
america. i guess i always knew this day would come. when i first saw bill on tv, i knew in my heart that no one could possibly sustain such a broad character for that long. so, bill, i invite to you come live in a mountain cabin with me and jon stewart. it's fun. you'll like it. we've got an animal sanctuary. jon and i milk the goats. and soon, i hope, we'll be milking you. ( laughter ) stay strong, papa bear. oh, god! is this really happening? >> stephen: that's it. it's over. end of an era. the end of an era. it looks like o'reilly may be out of a job. but, luckily, he still has his publishing empire. he's the author of "killing lincoln," "killing kennedy," and his latest book, "killing my career." ( laughter ) ( applause ) but, listen, in case--'t
forget, in case you're a fan of sexual harassers who are still on tv all the time, we still have trump. because today the new england patriots visited the white house. it's an honor to be invited to the white house. which is why so many patriots turned out for the occasion. oops, sorry, that's from two years ago when obama was president. jimmy, can you add the photo from today? yikes. looks like tom brady deflated the entire team. still, though, still, still a bigger crowd than his inauguration. ( cheers and applause ) inauguration. oh, speaking of elections. speaking of elections. huge election last night i georgia's sixth district. did you follow this?
iit was an unusual election. it was what's called a "jungle primary," because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism. the ballot featured eleven republicans facing off against the one democrat, documentary filmmaker and man who worked a little too hard to make it look like he doesn't care about his hair, jon ossoff. now, last night, democrats initially got their hopes up after seeing promising early vote returns democrats, did you learn nothing from november? "oh, look at all the eggs we have in this basket. i'm going to count those no, i'm going to teach them calculus." now, sure enough, ossoff only got "48.1% of the vote." if he had gotten over 50% of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now i think he gets to be president of the united states. is that how it works? >> jon: something likeha
>> stephen: hey, i don't know about you, but i have been rivetted to the trial of the century of the week. i'm talking about far-right radio host and guy getting arrested at mini-golf, alex jones. ( laughter ) jones, if you remember, he is now in a bitter legal battle with his ex-wife, and she's showing the court videos of jones' radio show as evidence that he's not stable enough to have custody of their kids. let's take a look. >> this is a human. this is what we look like! this is what we act like! this is what everybody was like before us. this is what i am. i'm a throwback. i'm here! i've got the fire of human liberty! i'm setting fires everywhere! ( laughter ) >> stephen: "uhm, dad, could you drop me off around the corner from the party?" ( laughter ) i'll just walk in. thanks." his ex-wife also showed a voof jones taking off all his clothes and promoting
products. i'm going to guess that was the before picture we're looking at. now, jones' lawyer explained that screaming and stripping is just part of jones playing a character on his radio show. except that his ex-wife says jones "is fond of disrobing off air as well, including during counseling sessions." ( laughter ) "okay, everybody, good work today. what i'm hearing is that this issue goes back to when dad got naked just now." let's pick that up again tomorrow. and if you could pick up your pants, that would be good, too. but it gets crazier, because jones said he couldn't remember "basic facts" about his children during a deposition because "he had a big bowl of chili for lunch." what did he sprinkle on top of the chili, cheddar cheese and roofies? but i feel for alex jones, because i,
right-wing character. not stephen colbert. i'm talking about my caharcter tuck buckford, who had a lot of the same legal problems, which he often talked about on his show "brain fight." jim? >> welcome back to "brain fight" sovereign citizens of the brain nation. old tuck's riled up today. my ex-wife thinks she can conspire with the government to divorce me and take my children, but i'm fighting back with my brain fist, another because my mind is a weapon, and my skull's a gauge of cage for your protection, all right? for everyone's protection, because i've got power, okay. i'm a father! i have male vitality! my children flew out of my penis like a flame of love! and they were made and now i love them like they were a fire of my own mind! now they want to take them away just because i can't remember a few minor details like how many
( laughter ) or what their names are. and if all those children are my children. they look like my children. hell, they were in my yard, okay. they know the rules. first time the frisbee lands in my yard, frisbee's mine. second time, you're mine, okay. ( laughter ) and i can't remember stuff, all these details about these kids that may or may not be mine because my brain signals are getting all scrambled up by the chili, okay. right here, the serpents at fema, the whore of people-a-lon, is packing hormones in my hormel. that's where the name comes from the hormelomone. it's gone, all right! "m" "m" "m"! i love chili, all right. that's god's food. i love the chili as muchaise love my kids! a little red bean man and m
chunk jr. and smoky paprika, my daughter. of course i take my clothes off at family meetings. what do you think i'm supposed to do? i don't need pants to parent. okay. a children needs to see what a man's legs look like, okay! right there! that's leg! man's leg! i'm a dancer. i don't wax, okay, because i'm not a little child or a woman from south america, okay. that's a leg full of blood and chili. look at that. a little chili on there. got a little chillo that leg. that's a moisturizer, as god intend. you know, in the book of habukukok-- papa. >> oh! tiny ghosts! they're in here trying to vaccinate me! get back out, you demons! the chili will protect me. the chill will protect us all. today's show is brought to you by mail chimp, not
service. i'm talking about a boy ape who protect yourself home. he will b bite your enemy's facs off! we've got a great show for you tonight. rose byrne is here! but when we return, i will share my most heartfelt midnight confessions. stick around! ♪ ♪ i'm dr. kelsey mcneely and some day you might be calling me an energy farmer. ♪ energy lives here.
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don't know how to say this-- we do this show for money. i offered to do it for college credit, but cbs insists on paying me. and so we have sponsors, whom we love as if they were children who paid us money. tonight, we welcome a new sponsor: allergy medication and highest scoring scrabble word xyzal. ( laughter ) now, here's the deal-- i don't actually have to talk about any of the products, okay. i just have to mention the product, and i have already done so. but in this case, i would like to talk to xyzal's mascot, nigel the owl. give it up for nigel the owl, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) hi, nigel. >> hello, stephen! >> stephen: nigel, why for this product, if you don't mind me asking, why for this product do you guys use an owl? >> because owls are associated with night. ifer
at night, xyzal gives you relief so you can sleep. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. you know owls are nocturnal, right? you're up all night. what's the deal? does this mean owls are watching me sleep? >> no, no, no, no. i just want you to know that allergy symptoms don't have to ruin your sleep. be wise-all, take xyzal. ( laughter ). >> stephen: no, no, i'm sorry. what was that last thing? >> i said, "be wise-all, take xyzal." >> stephen: what is "wise-all?" is that a word? >> oh, yes. people say "wise-all" frequently. >> stephen: no. are you sure it's not y'all, like "be wise, y'all?" >> no. be wise-all, take xyzal. >> stephen: okay. i saw the box. you can put it away. ( laughter ) put the box
that wasn't part of the deal, nige! because it really sounds like you worked backwards from "xyzal" to make it rhyme, and the wise thing is because you're an owl or something. but xyzal is also a made-up name. you could've called the medicine "lart" and then your slogan could be "be smart, take lart." ( laughter ) >> that makes no sense. >> stephen: nigel the owl, everybody! nigel the owl right there. don't take want box out. put the box back! ( cheers and applause ) enough! now, as many of you know by now, i'm a roman catholic. but i have a hard time getting to mass sometimes because there's no bar there. and that makes me miss my favorite catholic tradition, confession. so if you don't mind, i'd like
audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions"! ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. ♪ ♪ forgive me, audience. xyzal paid us a lot of money. ( laughter ) audience, before i did my taxes yesterday, i duct taped a printer to my son and called him a home office. ( laughter )
legally changed his name. audience, i'm just going to keep pouring bacon grease down the drain until i have to move. ( laughter ) once, once, audience, i missed my kid's soccer game because i was watching a better soccer game. ( laughter ) i tell my family we have an emergency preparedness kit, but the only thing in there is a clif bar and some nunchucks. ( laughter ) sometimes, sometimes i'll pet a dog just because i have something gross on my hand i need to wipe off. ( laughter ) my favorite thing to binge watch is alcohol entering my mouth. ( laughter ) oh, look. it's "bourbon: episode nine."
( cheers and applause ) the season finale's gonna be crazy. ( laughter ) when i ask someone, "how's it going?" i get annoyed if they tell me. ( laughter ) audience, whenever i go to a bathroom and see one of those "employees must wash hands" signs, i always think "it's a good thing i don't work here." ( laughter ) i think income inequality is one of america's greatest problems until they bring me that little hot towel in first class. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) at the petting zoo, instead of food pellets, i feed the goats adderall so they pay more
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> hot band. >> stephen: they are an amazing band, aren't they? it's great to have you back. we had you here about a year ago, a ligover a year ago. we've had your lovely partner and father of your child, bobby canavale on. he was very, very tired the last time i saw him. have you guys gotten any sleep. because your baby is one year, rocky. >> one year, rocky. very little sleep, still very little sleep, but we're getting along okay. >> stephen: do you trade off? do you trade off, you sleep, then i'll sleep? >> it's all about the tradeoff. the lion is a big one. >> stephen: what's the lion? >> who gets to sleep in the morning. >> stephen: who gets to "lie in." i thought lion was a metaphor either you get up and feed the baby or i willw
out. because there's a score-- there's a scoreboard, right? >> right, right. >> stephen: in your mind you're putting up little chalk marks. >> exactly. it was 4:00 in the morning-- yeah, yeah. the lie-in is a big one. >> stephen: do you do any sleep methods? do you have any? >> i did, i did, which a lot of people don't agree with. >> stephen: what was your method? >> i let them cry. >> stephen: let them cry out. they don't understand the-- if you give in at all, it's like negotiating with a terrorist. >> it is! it is! it's exactly like that. they're like little computeres and they take in information. >> stephen: yeah, i think i said it to your husband-- they're small but relentless opponents. they never give up. >> they are. >> stephen: they know you love them. >> i know. >> stephen: they use it. >> they do. they're little dictators. they just boss you around. >> stephen: i actually had a pediatrician call my child "stalin." i am not joking. he said, "the baby will break you like stalin putting you in a labor camp. do
>> that's heavy. >> stephen: he's no longer working. excellent doctor, by the way. here's the thing about you, i love you as an actress. i enjoy your movies so much they forget your australian. >> that's right. >> stephen: even though i've interviewed you before. i had to ask my staff again, "is she american or australian?" your husband, of course, is not. he's from here, from brooklyn? >> from jersey. anyone from jersey here? come on. >> stephen: that's an australian who knows how to play to a crowd? who's from melbourne. >> exactly, soiled me? yeah! get out! amazing. >> stephen: we always ship some in for the guest. you guys just went down there recently. >> we were there for, like, five months. >> stephen: five months. do dyou have to be tour guide the whole time. >> i did. i turned into a little bit of a tourist guide. we went to the rain forest in queensland, i think the oldest rain forest in the world and we did a
indigenous guy called moxie, who is lovely. he would show you a leaf and be like, "this leaf will kill you." if you-- you know, "if you touch it, you'll be dead in 20 minutes. and this leaf, which looks exactly the same, will save your life." ( laughter ) "who knows the difference?" >> stephen: you certainly got way more australian just now. ( laughter ) >> it's in there. it's in there. >> stephen: all the time? >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: when does it come out when you get a little something to drink. >> >> , of course, yes. >> stephen: angry. >> angry-- it's terrible when i saw rocco's name. i massacre it. rocco! it's italian, beautiful, rocco. >> stephen: tell me what's going on here. this is obviously the harbor in sydney. what is going on here, and how did he gain so much weight so fast? this is bobby. >> it's a real shame that photo, isn't it? look at that.
>> he looks like he's 470 pounds. >> stephen: and, yet, you still look thin. >> he-- look, we climbed the harbor bridge, which is an incredible thing to do, and, unfortunately, it was a kind of windy day, so we got a little back-air coming through. >> stephen: so that's air going through his outfit and not going through your outfit for some reason. you climbed to the top of the bridge? >> yes. >> stephen: is there a staircase. >> yes, you get chained to the side. it's very much like convicts, because, you know, australia, obviously, was a penal colony. so, yeah, you climb to the top. and the guides are really great great, very professional, they do two, three tours a day, but they're very relaxed, very aussie. >> stephen: it looks dangerous. >> "it's all right, don't worry, mate. a lot of people died making the bridge. but you'll be fine. it's real safe. this is my fourth trip today." d
>> stephen: did you enjoy it and go i'm like i did it? >> the australian tourist board will probably kill me if i don't say that. no, it was marvelous. i'm not that good with heights, so i probably should have thought twice before. yeah, yeah. >> stephen: not good with heights-- let's go to the top of the bridge. the new movie you're in with the lovely and talented oprah winfrey is called "the immortal life of henrietta lacks." and you play the author of the book, rebecca skloot. for people who haven't read the book before-- i have interviewed rebecca skloot. it's a fascinating story. tell people who henrietta lacks is and why she's called immortal. >> henrietta lacks is an african american woman. she died in 1951. she was from maryland, baltimore, she died of cervical cancer. and at the time, her cells were taken without her concept or knowledge. she was receiving treatment at the johns hopkins hospital and her cells went on to become the first human cell line to grow outside of t
like, most cells would die after two or three days of being cultured and hers doubled and tripled and went on to become this force of nature. and they developed the polio vaccine. they developed hiv cocktails, chemotherapy, in vitro fertilization. >> stephen: all based on the chain of her reproduced cells. >> which were cancer ow, and they were so powerful -- >> stephen: and not just in that lab, either. >> no, they're literally all around the world. >> stephen: all of our lives are better because of what this woman was able to give to the world. >> literally, literally. and this is-- this is the story of her family who, unfortunately, were very taken advantage of. and trying to sort of give them reparations and to find out more about their mother-- she had five children, and they didn't really know what had happened. >> stephen: and the woman, the author you play, rebecca skloot, she is traveling around with-- is it the daughter or granddaughter? >> it's the daughter. hoe henrietta's daughter, who was two when
they're traveling around, and it's, like, this investigative story between of the two of them, the journalist and mother and they're both obsess with the story and want to find out about henrietta and who she was. >> stephen: and that's the part played by oprah winfrey. we all love oprah here but you have the unique experience of having oprah yell at you in the scene we are about to watch, which i would never look forward to. but this is oprah winfrey upset at the prospect of their family being taken advantage of again. >> exactly. >> let's talk about this book you want to write, which is all fine and good, but where's the funding in there for the family? >> i don't have any funding. >> you ain't offered none, either. >> i can't offer you something i don't have. i told you i want to start that foundation. >> where is it? >> what? >> the book! you said you turned it in, so where is the book? >> there's no book yet. >>ings where the book! i said, where is the book! is it for sale already out there and you're making money off of my family like
where is the book. >> look, here, here, here, mastercard, vis a$2,000 past due. travel expense reports. i write cheesy articles to pay for our rooms and gas. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, good luck with rocco. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thanks, stephen! >> stephen: "the immortal life of henrietta lacks" airs this saturday on hbo. rose byrne, everybody! we'll be right back with lewis black. ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: good to see you, lewis. >> are those my answer s. >> stephen: you can say anything on these cards. good to see you. how are you holding up? >> uuuh-- i turn cnn on when i wake up. and it doesn't help. ( laughter ) something happens every day, every single day. >> stephen: yeah. >> that gi"what! what is this!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: every hour. every hour it happens, yeah. >> every hour. if you can get to noon, it's a whole new landscape. >> stephen: i say it's time to hilt the bar. >> yeah. i feel like, though, it's important for every american to watch
because it will give them a good idea of what it's going to be like when they have a stroke. ( laughter ) >> stephen: any particular anchor you would recommend? >> no, they're all-- breaking news! breaking news! breaking news! it's always breaking. >> stephen: that is traw. >> it's breaking every second. we just broke it, but now it's broken again. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i think they're overusing that alarm billion. we can't hear it anymore. >> they repeat it! you can't break something and 20 minutes later break what you broke! ( laughter ). >> stephen: it's true. >> really true. >> stephen: that's true. yeah. hey, are you-- you're-- you're an angry person, in the nicest possible way. and i mean that as a compliment. very few people have distilled their anger into a pure bourbon of rage. but are you also a worried person? do you worry or just get angry? there are a lot of things to worry about right now. for instance, north korea, the president was asked, just
worried about thermonuclear war with north korea. and he said, "there's always something to worry about." does that worry you, north korea? >> well, being a child from, you know, the 50s where we built bomb shelters-- ha-ha! what's another nuclear war? but, you know, what-- what i find disturbing about him is he's-- he-- his international relations, he does that like someone who's playing "resk" you know? look it up! ( laughter ) it's a board game! >> stephen: they all love risk. they all love risk. they all love risk. >> they had no clue as to what it was! >> stephen: you know what he's talking about, right? ( cheers and applause ) >> you've got that applaud sign up there. >> stephen: do you want request of this? >> no, it won't help. then the anger becomes real. >> stephen: so, but "risk" is fun. >> it is fun. you roll-- but you c
"hey, we're going into north korea. i'm going to roll the dice!" what he should have said, what spicer-- quack-quack-quack. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i think i think you just said i don't know about that, i'm going to order the crab cake is what you just said. what should spicer have said? >> he should have said it wasn't that we were-- we weren't going toward korea. what he should have said is we were-- we were going the other way. we were taking the slow route in order to sneak up behind them. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we were taking the south polar route. >> exactly. >> stephen: anywhere you go on either, eventually will get back to north korea. >> it all starts there. >> stephen: a lot of people have been protesting the president. there has been a burgeoning renewal of protesters. some people call it the resistance. some people take to the streets. do you do that? do you get out there? does the angry crowd
>> you know, i did that. >> stephen: you don't do that anymore? >> if they were paying like trump says -- >> stephen: yeah, trump says they're paying. >> if they were paying, then i'd be down there and grab a check. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you don't think they're being paid? they say-- >> they're not being paid! there's no line! there would be a line around every block in america! ( applause ). >> stephen: what about-- ♪ ♪ what about on the other side? because there are counter-protests going on, like this past weekend on saturday, there was a big tax march "show us your taxes." and there were counter-protesters who were apparently saying, "let the rich, white guy not show his taxes." that seemed to be their message. are you impressed with them at all? >> i don't understand them because they say that trump's just like them. well, what-- what universe are you living in? ( laughter ) trump is a new yorker, okay. he's like any new
he's a schmuck. okay? we're all schmucks who live here. and so why wouldn't-- why! why! why wouldn't he-- why-- you know, ( laughter ) what's amazing is any of us could have run. any new yorker! we all sound the same, except for the groping and misogyny and a lot of other things, but we all basically say what the hell we're thinking. then any one of us should have run instead of that putz! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you've got a new series called "the rant is due" on audible, right? >> i do. >> stephen: what happens in that? >> that, for the last about 200 gigs that i've been doing, performing live on stage, at the end of those shows, i do a-- a live q & a that goes throughout the world. it's streamed. and i answer questions from the audience that they
what audible has done is come in and taken them and culled the best of them and put them together into what would be called the podcast that begins tomorrow actually, and you can go to audible.com/lewisblack. it took me a week to memorize that! ( applause ). >> stephen: and everyone should go. and everyone should go. >> it's the best of. >> stephen: >> stephen: his new audio series "the rant is due," is on audible. as the man said, he's lewis black. we'll be right back with a performance by pj harvey.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ here's the hope six demolition project ♪ stretching down to benning road ♪ a well-known "pathway of death" ♪ at least that's what i'm told and here's the one sit-down ♪ restaurant in ward seven, nice ♪ okay, now this is just drug- town, just zombies ♪ but that's just life ♪ in the community of hope the community of hope ♪ the community of hope the community of hope, hope,
♪ here's the highway to death and destruction ♪ south capitol is its name and the school just looks like ♪ a ( bleep ) ♪ does that look like a nice place? ♪ here's the old mental institution ♪ now the homeland security base and here's god's deliverance center ♪ a deli called m.l.k ♪ and the community of hope the community of hope ♪ the community of hope the community of hope, hope, ♪ hope, hope ♪ they're gonna put a walmart here ♪ they're gonna put a walmart here ♪ they're gonna put a walmart here ♪ they're gonna put a walmart here
♪ they're gonna put a walmart here ♪ they're gonna put a walmart here ♪ they're gonna put a walmart here ♪ they're gonna put a walmart here ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. good to see you. pj harvey, everybody! we'll be right back. in my future, i'm twice as likely to have a stroke. i'm at higher risk for depression. i'm 26% more likely to develop an irregular heartbeat.
no matter who we are, these diseases can be managed or prevented when caught early on. because with better research, the right medicine, and with doctors who help keep me healthy to begin with, we will thrive. ♪ for years, fios has been promising fast internet to small businesses. but for many businesses, it's out of reach. why promise something you can't deliver?
late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be elizabeth moss, anthony atamanik, and musical guest sheryl crow. now stick around for james corden and his guests adam sandler and kevin james. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the