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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 8, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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the glue factory, the first horse ever to have a restraining order! and orange bluster is the winner, followed closely behind by flagrant nepotism, environmental devastation, losing your healthcare, russian footsie, korea go boom, and always dreaming! for all of us here at churchill downs -- hold on, orange bluster just had his jockey deported. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes rami malek, bill nye and musical guest roger water, featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now, live from on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: whoo! hey, how ar
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( cheers and applause ) yes! good to see you! hey, everybody! welcome, welcome, welcome to the "late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert ( cheers and applause ) first of all, happy monday, everybody. this feels more like a friday crowd than a monday crowd. >> jon: i know! got the friday on the monday! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, donald trump, you know that guy? the donald trump guy? ( audience booing ) >> stephen: yeah, he's getting famous. they're chanting, donald! donald trump continues to follow through on his promise to drain the swamp because it was announced on friday the white house has
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it took a while for her to leave the building because there was no one available to show her the door. poor planning. the chief usher has a range of responsibilities including guidance on furnishings and decor. in trump's case saying, hey, what if we try not gold? ( laughter ) the firing of the first female chief usher, an african-american named angela reed is controversial because it's not a political position. reed is just the ninth chief usher since 1885. yeah, back then the usher was in charge of state dinners and hedge trimming chester a. arthur. ( laughter ) ushers usually stay on after the president leaves, which might be the problem, because reed was appointed by the previous administration, and historian douglas brinkley speculated the trump administration seems worried about
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even i think that's ridiculous. i've seen pictures of this woman and she doesn't look like an obama spy. can we put her up? ( laughter ) she's lovely! look, there has to be another reason. when asked about the unusual firing, sarah sanders said something. >> but we left on very good terms and wish her the very best and certainly hope for great things for her in the future. i believe that the deputy usher will be serving as the acting usher for right now. >> stephen: translation, we gave the job to jared kushner. ( laughter ) whilerooms are dismantling obamacare, democrats are fighting back -- the only way they know how, through the power of visual arts, because democratic candidate for virginia governor and man who 20 years later just realized who kaiser sose
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following ad right after the house voted on healthcare. >> republican leaders are trying to do this to affordable healthcare. i'm tom periello, and i voted for obamacare. we can make abeconomy that works for everyone and make sure this never happens in virginia. >> stephen: you've got to do that in one take. as an actor, i'm saying up to do that in one take or have a lot of ambulances standing by. ( laughter ) seems like a waste of a perfectly good ambulance until you realize without healthcare we won't need them anymore. but this could backfire for pariello because the real star of the ad is clearly the model 10 crusher. ( laughter ) yeah, it's an up and comer. it's huge, it's loud, it destroys everything in its way. it could be our next president.
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( laughter ) now, as a i'm sure -- ( cheers and applause ) i'm telling you. >> yeah! this is coming up. >> stephen: lot of model 10 crusher fans here tonight. we're still learning details about the budget congress passed this week. the press had a lot of questions about it. the white house sent out budget director and baby born in a suit mick mulvaneyy. mulvaney held a conference call to discuss with reporters which went off the rail when answering about one of the president's tweets, had an unexpected sound track. >> i think we might need to shut down to drive to this place that washington needs to be fixed -- music -- for those of you who put us on hold, please mute your phones. i enjoy the classical music.
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is there a way to -- oh, oh -- let's try -- who would like to ask some questions in this is going to be a disaster. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: yes! this is going to be a disaster. though i have to warn you, the quality of this audio isn't great, so in some sections, we had to make educated guesses as to what was going on. >> i just wanted to ask, you mentioned the democrats didn't get renewable energy subsidies. which subsidies are we talking about here? >> they could ask for new subsidies -- ( call breaking up ) >> hello, hello? ( call breaking up ) ( laughter ) >> you're breaking up. hello.
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>> stephen: mulvaney! mulvaney either has a bad connection or has begun speaking in tongues. ( laughter ) reporters are used to getting no clear answers from the white house, so they pushed on. >> is anyone still there? audio is breaking up. ( music ) >> lost control of the white house. >> stephen: this is unbelievable! anyone who works at an office can tell you it's one of the most successful conference calls of all time. hello? hello? ( applause ) things got more and more chaotic, culminating in the big finish, you know what that means, time for a saxophone solo. hit it!
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( saxophone music ) >> hello? ( laughter ) >> stephen: it was all summed up in today's "new york times," "mulvaney bleep bloop budget smooth jazz." mm-hmm. it's fake news. fake news. this is literally fake news. we made it up. ( applause ) in legal news, the eagles -- you know the band the eagles? the eagles, including leader don headily, are suing a mexican ho the tell called hotel california in federal court saying the hotel has been using the name suggesting a connection with the band for financial gain. for you youngsters out there, hotel california was one of the eagles' best-selling about ms. look for it in the tape deck of your dad's camaro. ♪ on a
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and this lawsuit against the hotel california is bad for other businesses trying to profit off the eagles like the landscaping service rake it to the limit, the wedding formal wear drop, dress parado, and perhaps the most flagrant the little league baseball supply store the eagles hits volume two. ( laughter ) i don't know about you, but ever since the house passed the new healthcare bill last week, i've been trying to decide: should i move to canada, or just stay drunk? ( applause ) well, now it turns out that the best answer might be both. because the canadian food inspection agency recently announced that gin is being recalled for having too much alcohol. "too much" alcohol? well, you wouldn't want that. i'm buying it for the hydration. the recall was announced because bottles of "bombay sapphire gin... were found to contain 77% alcohol by volume rather than the ty
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( cheers and applause ) calm down. ( laughter ) here's how you can tell-- normal gin tastes like juniper with hints of lemon and coriander. 77% alcohol gin tastes like regret, with hints of fighting a parking meter. ( laughter ) the company realized the mistake after they received "an isolated consumer complaint." ( laughter ) who complained?! "sorry, i'm callin' aboot this gin. it has too much of the thing i bought it for, eh." you want it back? i'm sorry. i'll spit it back in if you want. ( laughter ) well, according to a bombay spokesperson, the complaint was reported by "a regular connoisseur of bombay sapphire gin who realized that the taste profile was off." by the way, i believe "regular connoisseur of bombay sapphire gin" is canadian for, "aunt going through a rough patch." ( laughter ) ever since henry
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luckily, this isn't too much of a problem for the gin because there were no reports of anyone becoming sick. however, there were several reports of parties becoming "sick!" ( cheers and applause ) ♪ we've got a great show for you tonight. rami malek is here. but when we return, i'll share my latest "midnight confessions." stick around! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) heineken tastes perfect every single time and that doesn't happen by accident - it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. almost as long as it took me to master this look. ♪
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a heineken brewmaster. there's more behind the star. ♪ ♪someday you'll let me put my way ycomb up there♪air♪ ♪'til then you're beautiful and i just stare♪
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i'm leaving you, wesley. but why? you haven't noticed me in two years. i was in a coma. well, i still deserve appreciation. who was there for you when you had amnesia? you know i can't remember that. stop this madness. if it's appreciation you want you should both get snapshot from progressive. it rewards good drivers with big discounts on car insurance. i have news. i've used most of our cellular data. come on, susan lucci! ♪
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♪ we asked people to write down the things they love to do most on these balloons. travel with my daughter. roller derby.
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now give up half of 'em. do i have to? this is a tough financial choice we could face when we retire. but, if we start saving even just 1% more of our annual income... we could keep doing all the things we love. prudential. bring your challenges. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! jon batiste and bad band right there! say hi to that band right there!
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( piano riff ) hey, jon! hey, jon, did you have a good weekend? >> yes, yes, i had a great weekend. >> stephen: what did you do. >> jon: friday was great, man. >> stephen: friday? >> jon: friday was awesome. >> stephen: the weekend kicked off great. >> jon: kicked off good. >> stephen: friday, amazing. ( cheers and applause ) and listen, just a quick reminder to you and all you people out there and of course the lovely people at home watching in their underwear, tomorrow night, tuesday, you're going to want to stop by again, it's a very special show. i'll be getting back together with my old friends jon stewart, samantha bee, john oliver and rob corddry. ( cheers and applause ) only one of these is made up. it's going to be great. as many of you know by now, i'm a catholic. of the roman persuasion. but i don't often go to mass that often because they're not as chill about me watching "veep" on my phone as i wo
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and i really miss my favorite catholic tradition -- confession. so, if you don't mind, i'd like to confess to you, my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great. this is stephen colbert's midnight confessions! ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer -- i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay. be right back. ( laughter ) forgive me audience: neil degrasse tyson is my favorite guest-- and my least favorite movie reviewer. ( laughter ) i know lightsabers wouldn't work in real life, just let me have this, neil! sometiwh
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i walk around my neighborhood wearing a shirt that says, "as seen on tv." ( laughter ) i love my coffee mug. 'cause this ain't coffee. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that smells -- canadian. ( cheers and applause ) ( soft organ music ) when i want to feel good, i do random acts of kindness. and when that doesn't work, random acts of violence. ( laughter ) i still think there's a small chance i have jedi powers. ( laughter ) when i kill a house fly, i leave it's body there, and yell "you're next you bastards!"
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no shoes, no service", i always think "they're gonna be sorry they didn't include pants". ( laughter ) sometimes i have so many tabs open in my browser that the only solution is to throw out my laptop and start again. ( cheers and applause ) i got kicked out of yoga class because i'm too good. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the happiest day of my life was when i figured out i could put a chair in the shower.
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i can't wait to be a grandfather because that would double my compatible organ donors. i'm not very good at folding maps. the last time i broke my phone in half. every time i blow out the candles on a birthday cake, my wish is that the person who's birthday it is will forgive me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i miss being single. not the casual sex part, just being allowed to eat dinner over the sink. ( laughter ) forgive me, audience. >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with rami malek. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ns in on. that was amazing.
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iling is all spider webs. we missed grandpa's 99th birthday. i'm actively trying to stand up right now. and his funeral. oh i have a beard. oh! a chip. (laughter) binge watching isn't always rewarding. but is. thanks captain obvious. how long have you been here? unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. ♪ ♪ ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! whoo! my first guest is the emmy award-winning actor you know as eliot from "mr. robot." he now stars in "buster's mal heart." >> don't you think it's a little confusing to teach your daughter sparn before she knows english? >> i think she's perfectly capable of learning both. aren't you? you like spanish? >> yes. there you go. good morning. buenos dias. good morning. buenos dias. , poppy. myia more. this cartoon is a little pornographic. >> it's her fave.
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>> it's -- know, it's free. >> stephen: please welcome rami malek! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: standing ovation from the crowd. not everybody gets that. i gotta tell ya. >> really? >> stephen: okay. i first fell in love with you as an actor playing snafu in the pacific. it was probably an amazing, disturbing performance for you as well. now we have buster. do you feel
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intense, unstable characters? >> sadly, probably, yeah. >> stephen: when's the ram com coming? >> i don't know what you're talking about. i feel like these character are socially awkward mind-bending characters, perfect for curling up with popcorn and grabbing your girlfriend and having a glass of wine. >> stephen: and wondering is this how the world's going to end? >> yeah. doesn't it feel that way? >> stephen: right now? yes. >> stephen: it doesn't feel sustainable. how about that. >> yes. >> stephen: i don't know if the world will end but it feels like it's changing. the wheel is spinning you just don't know where it's going to end at this point. >> that would compel me to give a ram com. >> stephen: give me i'm the person you fell in love with. we just bumped into each other
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in love with this person. okay. >> okay. >> stephen: are you going to eat that carrot? >> no, because that carrot should be split between the two of us if we're -- if we're going to be together. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's a great pickup line. that carrot should be split between the two of us. >> right. which side of the carrot do you want? ( cheers and applause ) what's happening? too much? >> stephen: i don't think enough. >> all right. a second date is in order, yes. >> stephen: a second date is in order? the first date's a carrot. what's the second date? >> steak, potatoes. what's this? this is you. you played -- >> stephen: this is you. you made a splash at the met. ( cheers and applause ) i saw you in
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it's an eye catcher but it's getting play all over the line. i see kind of a charming devil. >> charming devil. >> stephen: i could sexy elmo. right. ( laughter ) you know what? i see rihanna. >> stephen: yeah, i see rihanna back there where no one's paying attention to her! ( applause ) >> walking behind rihanna at one of those things, it's the worst mistake you could ever make. i'm surprised i got a photo out of the whole thing. >> stephen: did you have a good time at this thing? >> i saw you there. do you remember that? >> stephen: i do remember that. it was you. i was talking with trevor noah and hasan minage and you left and after you left, someone came over and said who's smoking the pot? ( laughter ) you're going to play freddy mercury in bohemian rhapsody.
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moment. >> stephen: are you a big queen fan? >> huge. >> stephen: do you have a go-to queen song or anything like that? >> a go-to queen song -- i think i like some of the more obscure ones. there's the one called lilly of the valley that i love, but somebody to love is huge. >> stephen: of course. ♪ find me somebody to love. ♪ find me somebody to love no? >> no. >> stephen: we don't have the right to it. that's a lawsuit right there waiting to happen. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you go meet the other lads in the band? did you go over and meet queen? >> i went to do some pre-recording and it was at abby road studios. so i was a little late to -- yeah, london traffic, whatever. but i was running across the street where i looked back and i
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crosswalk that the beatles have the album cover for abbye abby n and instantly i'm, like, what's happening to me right now? i race up the stairs, the meeting is on the fourth floor. around the third floor i'm passing the photos of the rolling stones and beatles and every band you love. suddenly i stop and i'm, like, what are you doing? you're late, you shouldn't stop right now, and i take two steps back and i see this autographed photo of all the members of queen, and freddy mercury's face just kind of staring at me telling me, don't do this. ( laughter ) >> stephen: was it a challenge? >> it was a challenge. i kind of looked back and i said, no, no -- it really felt inspiring but it definitely was that look of don't (bleep) this up. ( laughter ) no, i ran upstairs and it's been, you know, monumental meeting those guys.
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recording. they were sent -- >> stephen: you had to sing as freddy mercury in front of other members of queen? >> well, they were sent a tape of it. >> stephen: did they see it? yeah, i thought they had seen it before i met them, but i met them in roger taylor's flat when i met brian may as well and i was under the impression they had seen the tape but they hadn't downloaded it properly. so i ended up watching them watch me for the first time in between -- >> stephen: oh, wow. it was, like -- no pressure. >> stephen: how did they take you? >> they took me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: tell me about "buster's mal heart." >> yeah. >> stephen: what's that movie about? are you buster? do you have the mal heart? >> yeah, i'm buster, a guy born with a bad heart who tries to write his situation. he works the grave card shift at a really
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much in love with his life, so he sets off to be a mountain man, yet he's not very good at that at all. >> stephen: where are these mountains. >> montana. >> stephen: serious mountains. erious mountains. >> stephen: did you go to montana? >> i went to montana to philipum, one of the most beautiful states i've ever been to. >> stephen: what time did you go there? >> i think we were there in the falls. >> stephen: were the leaves falling off the trees? >> sure. >> stephen: then that's fall. ( laughter ) here you are at buster. how long did it take you to grow that fake beard? >> three minutes in hair and makeup. >> stephen: are you a mountain man yourself. >> i actually grew that beard. >> stephen: you did? and i tried to deep it in the show for "mr. robot," but they couldn't find a way to incorporate that into the character. >> stephen: you look like a biblical prophet there. fi my name is also jonah in the
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so it is a take on that biblical story. >> stephen: are you any bit of a mountain man yourself? are you an outdoorsman? >> i do like the outdoors very much and i love to go camping but i never went camping as a kid. my dad was in the military for a little bit and, so, he's, like, why would we ever go revisit sleeping outside and pitch ago tent and all the horrors that come with that? you're lucky to have a bed. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, here's something that happened. last time you were here, we found out you had 100,000 followers on instagram and never post add a single photo. >> that's true. >> stephen: so we did one photo you put on instagram and here it is. there's the photo we put up. you know how i have 285,000 followers but still right up here it says one post. it's a year later and you
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can we do a second post just so it's grammatically correct? >> do you think it's better just to have the one? you want to do two? >> stephen: i want to do one every time you visit. >> okay. >> stephen: the only photos with me and the audience go on your instagram account. ( cheers and applause ) >> why not?! >> stephen: all right. okay, come here. here we go. all right. and let's flip this bad boy around. okay, ready? okay, everybody smile back there! ( cheering ) oh, that's video. that's video. okay. >> should we just have a video? >> stephen: one, two, three! ( cheering ) awesome! >> yes! >> stephen: rami malek, everybody! "buster's mal heart" is in theaters now! rami malek! we'll be back with our friend bill nye.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: and we're back! my next guest is a television host, c.e.o. of the planetary society, and an official "science guy." please welcome bill nye! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) there you go! thank you so much! ( cheers and applause ) well, standing ovation. not everyone gets a standing ovation, bill. >> i heard about that. i heard it's extraordinary! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to finally meet you. >> it's been years. >> stephen: it
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science guy, did you just wake up one day and say my last name rhymes with "guy." it could have been the fashion guy, the music guy, the napping guy. how did that come about? >> i was in a writers meeting with raj shaffer, head of the comedy show in seattle, so we needed to fill six minutes. had this idea for the bit with liquid nitrogen because we have it around. >> stephen: at a comedy show you have liquid nitrogen around? >> the comedy bit was the household use of liquid nitrogen, which is the bit your nose comes off when you chew marshmallows. he said you could be bill nye the science guy. then he closed his briefcase and went off to do his
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a long time ago but stuck with me. another story, keay. >> stephen: keay. keay davidson and he started the column keay davidson the "science guy." i talked to him on the phone and i said, mr. davidson, it doesn't rhyme. he said, that's good. so i stuck with it, bill nye the "science guy." i'm a check cal engineer. >> stephen: there is chatter on the internet you're bill nye the engineering guy. >> for four years, it's physics! ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry, i took six semesters of calculus. is that enough? >> stephen: you're also c.e.o. of the planetary society. >> yes. >> stephen: working on something called -- which is
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carl sagan. >> i took one class from carl sagan. my father was the amateur astronomer. carl sagan talked about solar sailing back during the disco era, and, so, i joined the planetary society when it was started. one thing led to another. you know neil de grasse tyson. >> stephen: i do. neil is very into wine. >> stephen: yeah. and there was a meeting of the board of directors, and something happened, and now i'm the c.e.o. of the planetary society. >> stephen: because he got you into science? >> it wasn't the canadian gin, but things went fine. ( laughter ) here's the premise. this is remarkable. light, although it has no mass, has momentum. it's pure energy. so if you can get a spacecraft into space above the atmosphere, the pressure of sunlight pushes it through
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was one of carl sagan's dreams back in 1976. we tried launching one in 2005. it ended up in the berent sea which is part of the arctic. we wanted to launch another one, light sail two, same up with that ourselves. we were going to a higher orbit, 400 something miles -- >> stephen: high than the space station. >> oh, yeah, higher than the space station. >> stephen: tell me about the march for science that happened this past weekend. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much so what were you marching for and why do we need to march for science. >> isn't that a good question? so, in the u.s. -- >> stephen: i'm full of 'em. now, from time to time, i get the sense, i watch the monologue, like everybody, and i get the impression you'r
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administration. >> stephen: i'm in a equestioning position of their priorities. >> yeah, so in the u.s. constitution, article one, section 8, it says "shall promote the progress of science and useful arts." and if you have an administration that's in denial about the effects of climate change, if you have people who want to cut back funding for national institutes of health and centers for disease control, that is probably not in anyone's best interest. yet there's a movement right now especially in the u.s. so we had a march for science. ( applause ) it's a surprising thing somebody felt we needed that. >> stephen: here's something else you feel the world needs. off new netflix series called "bill nye saves the world." >> yes! >> stephen: okay, that is a much bolder claim than merely "science guy." how are you going to save the world, bill nye? >> well, it's a half hour. ( laughter ) the idea is we take a
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perspective of issues in society like climate change, vaccines, vaccinations. >> stephen: i'm in favor. and also we did a show on artificial intelligence. we addressed these issues from a scientific perspective because people have a great interest in it. people love science! ( cheers and applause ) these are important issues because everybody -- when i was at the worlds fair in 1965, there were fewer than 3 billion people in the world. now there are 7.3, almost 7.4 billion people, there are going to billion 9 billion people and 10 billion people and those people will want to eat and have access to water and electronic information. in order to have toes things, you have to have science! >> stephen: good luck saving the world. >> with your help, it will be a piece of cake. thanks for having me. it's been fun! >> stephen: "bill nye saves the world" is on
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>> stephenu
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members of pink floyd. here performing, "deja vu," from his new album, "is this the life we really want?" please welcome roger waters! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ if i had been god i would've rearranged the veins ♪ in the face to make them more resistant to ♪ alcohol and less prone to aging ♪ if i had been god i would've sired many sons ♪ and i would not have suffered the romans to kill even one of ♪ them if i had been god ♪ with my staff and my rod
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♪ ♪ if i had been given the nod ♪ i believe i could have done a better job ♪ and if i were a drone patrolling foreign skies ♪ with my electronic eyes for guidance ♪ and the element of surprise i would be afraid
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♪ to find someone home ♪ ♪ maybe a woman at a stove ♪ baking bread, making rice or just boiling down some bones ♪ if i were a drone ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ the temple's in ruins the bankers get fat ♪ the buffalo's gone and the mountain top's flat ♪ the trout in the streams are all hermaphrodite ♪ you lean to the left but you vote to the right ♪ and it feels like déjà vu the sun goes down and i'm still ♪ missing you counting the cost of a love that ♪ got lost and under my gulf stream ♪ in circular pools there's 99 cents worth ♪ of drunkards and fools
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i could hear it again. roger waters' tour "us and them" kicks off may 26! roger waters everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) in my future, i'm twice as likely to have a stroke. i'm at higher risk for depression. i'm 26% more likely to develop an irregular heartbeat. i have a 65% higher chance of developing diabetes. no matter who we are, these diseases can be managed or prevented when caught early on.
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the right medicine, and with doctors who help keep me healthy to begin with, we will thrive. ♪ narrator:to do time is what is right. ralph northam. army doctor during the gulf war. volunteer director of a pediatric hospice. progressive democrat. in the senate, he passed the smoking ban in restaurants, stopped the transvaginal ultrasound anti-choice law, and stood up to the nra. as lieutenant governor, dr. northam is fighting to expand access to affordable healthcare. ralph northam believes in making progress every day. and he won't let donald trump stop us.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, hey! hey, how are ya? hay! that's it for "the late show," everybody! join us tomorrow. i'll have jon stewart, samantha bee, john oliver and rob corddry! stick around for james corden and his guests caitlyn jenner and michael weatherly. goodnight! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way


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