tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 24, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
>> well, you know, look.♪ slow t you got to make the morning last ♪ just kickin' down the cobblestones ♪ looking for fun and feelin' groovy >> stephen: it's great. >> i don't like it. ♪ ba, da, da, da, da, da, da feelin' groovy let me try something. you might like this better. ♪ hello, lamppost nice to see you ♪ we might get bombed by north korea ♪ we're gettin close to to world war iii ♪ so run for the shelters feelin' groovy ♪ ba, da, da, da, da, da, da feelin' groovy >> hey, jon.
seas are boiling ♪ these aren't the first pants that i'm soiling ♪ we won't survive the century, we're all doomed, i'm feeling groovy ♪ fili filin grief. feelin groovy. ♪ kellyanne conway makes no sense ♪ and even if trump goes we're stuck with mike pence ♪ plus he might win the big one in 2020 ♪ never the less all is groovy! ♪ ♪ ba, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪ ba, da, da, da, da, da, da feelin' groovy feelin' groovy
♪ ba, da, da, da, da, da, da feelin' groovy ♪ ♪ >> i hate it. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes robin wright. hannibal buress. paul simon. plus a performance by paul simon and bill frisell. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that was nice.
hey, everybody! what's going on? hey! you're too kind. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( applause ) thank you very much, very kind. well, president trump is still on his semester abroad, getting his extra credits. and he might want to stay over there for a while until firemen can put out his budget proposal. because not only does nobody like it, but it turns out it has a huge mistake in it. not the part about cutting funding for cancer research. that's one of his passion projects. it turns out that the entire budget is based on a $2 trillion math error. yes, that's
"t." now, there's a simple explanation for how this happened: donald trump is an idiot. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: or-- or-. ( cheers and applause ) or he's lying. because his budget claims there will be magically $2 trillion of new tax revenue from economic growth when we cut rich people's taxes. it's called trickle down, something we know trump loves. ( laughter ) and then-- then-- it-- rumored-- it factors in the same made-up $2 trillion again as a way to offset that tax cut for the wealthy. that's like robbing peter to pay paul, but you're paying paul with a blockbuster gift certificate. it doesn't work anymore. ( laughter )
blunder that former secretary of the treasury larry summers called it "a logical error ofy failing a student in an introductory economics course." ( laughter ) or, okay-- or-- or get you tenure at trump university. ( laughter ) but trump's budget director, mick mulvaney, defended the math. >> regarding the double counting, here's one of the things i think that a lot of folks have overlooked-- and we did it on purpose because it's sort of hard to count this, and you don't want to make too many assumptions. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) you don't want to make assumptions, because when you assume, you make an "ass" out of you, mick mulvaney. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, let me see if i can help. let me see if i can help. here's a basic math lesson for donald trump. if a train leaves washington, d.c., traveling at 40 miles an hour, please get on it. ( laughter )
( cheers and applause ) just go. just go east, actually. just go east. what happened overseas? oh, trump visited the vatican, visited the vatican. that's exciting. it's one of the few places on earth with more old men than his cabinet. ( laughter ) if you remember, back during the campaign, trump butted heads with the pope over immigration, so people were expecting this first meeting to be a bit tense. and based on this picture, it was. "i was wrong. i was wrong. there is no god." ( laughter ) i don't know why they call him "the joyful pope." maybe this is just the way he acts when he meets world leaders. jimmy, got a photo of him with anybody else? oh! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ i had the time of my life and never felt this way before ♪
afterwards, when asked for his impression of the pope, trump said, "he is something." ( laughter ) that is true. that is true. hard to argue with that. the pope is, indeed, something. as jesus himself said, "blessed are the vague for they shall. inherit... you know, stuff." ( laughter ) ( applause ) blessed. as is ceremonial as usual when you meet world leaders they exchanged gifts. the two men exchanged gifts. the pope gave trump a copy of his 2017 peace message and his encyclical on climate change, "laudato si." and after receiving the gifts, trump replied, "well, i'll be reading them." ( laughter ) well, no, you won't. mike pence, i think i know what you're getting for christmas. regift! but the best part of the visit happened at the end, whe
trump's physique. francis turned to the first lady and said, "what do you give him to eat, potizza?" which is a high-calorie pastry served in slovenia. oh, snap! ( cheers and applause ) the pope-- what do you feed him, potizza? the pope just called the president chubby! ( laughter ) i cannot believe the infallible vicar of christs just played the dozenses on our president. for more, please welcome, live via satellite, cartoon pope! >> stephen: your cartoon holiness, thank you for joining us. >> thank you for having me, stephen. >> stephen: so, do you regret making that crack about trump's weight? >> yes, my child, because although we may not love his actions, we must love the sinner-- almost as much as the
ha-ha, nailed him! >> stephen: okay, but, cartoon pope, you're known for your compassion and kindness. why are you making fun of him? >> you are right, stephen. jesus taught us to love-- and there's a lot of him to love! am i right, folks? yes, i am always right. i'm the pope. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, is it out of your system now? what else did you do with trump on his visit? >> i gave him a tour of the vatican catacombs. >> stephen: oh, really? that's nice. >> but when trump entered, it became the fatican fatacombs! oh! ( laughter ) oh! >> stephen: what just happened to your voice? >> they call me francis dice pope! oh! sigh, stephen, do you know why trump loves vladimir putin. he's always
fa >> stephen: these are beginning to stretch. hickory, dickory, dope! trump just got burned by the pope! >> stephen: cartoon pope, everyone. >> come see me open for andy >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. robin wright is here. so is paul simon. but when we return, we'll take a deep dive on the president's phone call with a dictator. stick around! it's the applebee's big bold grill combos. try a chicken combo, combo'd with a ribs combo. it's the combo of combos. combo'd two meats, two sides. the big bold grill combos. starting at $12.99. only at applebee's.
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that was fun. you don't get to sing a song with paul simon every day. >> jon: oh, yeah, that was so fun. >> stephen: that's why you're in this business. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: that and for the free coffee. folks, you might remember that trump had a phone call with philippines president rodrigo duterte. trump apparently had a "very friendly conversation with duterte," and he even invited him to the white house. that's a very exclusive invitation. usually, you want to save that kind of honor for a true statesman, like ted nugent. ( laughter ) now, trump cozying up to duterte and that is kind of messed up because duterte has declared a war on drugs, and in the past year, philippine national police officers and unidentified vigilantes have killed over and di did youa isn't just the y who talks the talk.
"i used to do it personally. i would go around with a motorcycle looking for trouble." can you imagine what it was like to live in that town? quick, call the cops! the mayor is here!" we have a leaked transcript, and this is true, of trump and duterte's call, and this is how trump said hello to president motocross murder mayhem: "i just wanted to congratulate you because i am hearing of the unbelievable job on the drug problem. many countries have the problem. we have a problem, but what a great job you are doing." trump congratulated him on his vigilante kill squads! that's like saying, "darth, i'm in construction, and i know that is a fantastic death star, top notch. i'd love to have you over some time to force-choke sean spicer." ( laughter ) and trump reassured duterte, when it comes to the dg
problem, trump really gets him, unlike old man obama, saying, "i understand that and fully understand that, and i think we had a previous president who did not understand that. but i understand that." ( laughter ) ( applause ) first of all, first of all, mr. president, it's not like "candyman." you can't just say "i understand that" three times and knowledge appears. in a conversation about north korea, trump gave duterte military secrets when he said: come on! that's a state secret! trump's got to be the world's worst "battleship" player. "okay, you'll never guess where my beautiful submarine is, unless you guess b-2, because that's where i put i
5. ( cheers and applause ) plus-- plus, why did you put our subs in the waters off north korea? that's the one place we know they can hit with their missiles! but since the only way we seem to get any information out of donald trump these days is via conversations with dictators, i i have a favor to act of robert mugabe. can you call up trump up and ask him for his tax returns? we'll be right back with robin wright. e here. i miss home. ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ >> what a beautiful stiewdio. this is so nice. >> stephen: isn't it lovely? yeah, we kind of fixed it up. thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: i burst out laughing when i saw that clip because it's so bad-ass, you're killing three guys with three arrows after jumping over a rock after jumping off somebody's shield. >> right. >> stephen: that's like legless (bleep) right there. who is your character in this movie? >> she is the general of the amazonian army. >> stephen: okay. >> which is, you know, it's a light load. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> but she's the sister of the queen. >> stephen: oh, okay. so she's wonder woman's aunt. >> yes. >> stephen: okay, okay. >> get it, i get it. i know enough about d.c. >> family affair. >> stephen: this is exciting. we have a movie now where little girls can look up and see female super heroes for the first time in a movie theate
taking nothing away from black widow, but pretty extraordinary. yeah. >> and little boy s. >> stephen: and little boys. of course. ( cheers and applause ) but little boys-- yeah, i'd love to be able to do what she does in there. did you have to do the requisite training to bably to do the tumbling and the punching. >> we had to do daily horseback riding training, weight lifting, and martial arts and just 2,000 to 3,000 calories a day. >> stephen: 2,000 to 3,000 calories a day. >> eat five meals a day and three smoothies with banana and oatmeal and constantly pounding. that was the most challenging was having to eat so much. >> stephen: was that so you could get a little more meat on the bones. >> mass quickly was the goal. >> stephen: wow, wow. so did-- was it hard for you to keep up? i mean you're in fantastic shape. you're 51 years old at this point. ( cheers and applause ) did you have any trouble keeping up with the younger actresses or actors who were wo
this? >> oh, yeah, completely. because what you do, you know, you'd work out in the gym with 150 amazons and all these girls-- i was the oldest in the gym. so i would get injured from trying to bench fresh whatever, 175 pounds. and couldn't walk for two days. and i would just be like, "that's good, girls. give me another 10. get down. let's go." completely injured all the time. >> stephen: obviously, you are also known for playing claire underwood in "house of cards." which is another very tough character. could claire take your character from "wonder woman"? a fight, who would win in that one? >> i think clier claire would probably win in a stare-down. don't you think. >> stephen: that's true, that's true. the trump administration has been pretty good to those of us in late night. you know, people are, you know, interested in jokes about what's going on, the insanity that's going on in washington every day. has it changed "house of cards" at all?
an extreme view of politics, but it seems perfectly reasonable now. ( laughter ) yeah. >> you took the words right out of my mouth. i mean, he-- trump has trumped us. we don't have any ideas for season six now. ( laughter ) it's like-- he stole them all. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah. >> stephen: now you're running-- this year, this season your character, claire, is actually on the ticket running for vice president. am i giving anything away? am i giving too much away here? >> she is vice president. >> stephen: she is? i thought she was on the ticket. >> well... ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm a little behind. i'm a little bit behind. >> that's okay. that's okay. very-- it's going to be difficult for francis. what you're about to see. and very interesting for claire. that's what this season holds. ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ). >> stephen: do you ever get to do the aside
francis does? >> this is-- this is like-- what was that "name that tune?" i can't say anything. so-- you give me clues. >> stephen: you can't say something exwg. >> because we haven't released it yet. >> stephen: okay, all right. how about this? are you-- are you a different writing challenge for the writers than kevin spacy is? like, your characters are so different. >> so different, right. >> stephen: yeah, he is-- >> he was here last night. was he talking about our collaboration and stuff. >> stephen: he doesn't talk about your collaboration. he did say when he does those asides he's talking to donald trump. but donald trump doesn't seemed to be listen, unfortunately. yeah. >> i don't think he understands him. ( laughter ) he can't compute-- well, he doesn'toon yeah. kevin's character, to me, it's-- he's like a jackson pollock painting. he's just always-- he's an orator, right. always talking. >> stephen: yes, he's
coming out. >> not much of a filter, francis underwood. and she's the antithesis. she's cubism to me, structured and scheming and everything in its place, compartmentalized, and it's so much fun to work together in that context of that weird analogy that i just gave. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i like it. i like it, yeah. >> because most of the time, kevin is like, "i'm going to say another six lines." i'm like, "you take mine, and i'm just going to give you a stare." and that's the scene. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, yeah. >> right? >> stephen: saves you on memorizes lines, too, that's nice. >> how did you know that was the reason? >> stephen: well, you also directed a bunch of episodes this season, right? >> yes. >> stephen: do robin wright the actor, and robin wright the director get along? do they-- ( laughter ) is it stl mutual respect there? or does one of them think the other one really, you know, needs to cut one of her jobs out. >> i think the director says,
>> stephen: can't you give me more than on that take. >> she's difficult. she only wants to do one take. >> stephen: you had a short tim at cannes is that right this year? >> we did. it's called "the dark of night." it was a passion project. all the "house of cards" crew donated their time and resources for free, and i directed it, and we shot it over a weekend in the diner that "diner" was shot, the movie "diner." >> stephen: sure. >> and we raised $50,000 on a crowd fund and made a film noir piece, six minutes long. and it was premiered in cannes. so great for all of our crew. >> stephen: well, lovely to meet you thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: "wonder woman" is in theaters next friday. robin wright, everybody! we'll be right back with hannibal buress.
narrator:to do time is what is right. ralph northam. army doctor during the gulf war. volunteer director of a pediatric hospice. progressive democrat. in the senate, he passed the smoking ban in restaurants, stopped the transvaginal ultrasound anti-choice law, and stood up to the nra. as lieutenant governor, dr. northam is fighting to expand access to affordable healthcare. ralph northam believes in making progress every day. and he won't let donald trump stop us.
( applause ). >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back, folks. ladies and gentlemen my next guest is a comedian you know from shows like "broad city" and "the eric andre show." you can see him in the new "baywatch" movie. >> i saw your name on the board. >> say something. >> i kind of feel like this is your year. >> ( mumbling ). >> stop that. >> okay, well, i'll see you at try-outs. >> all right, c.j. that was amazing to watch. she came up to you. she was very nice and warm, and you handled it really smoothly. >> really? >> no, that was awkward. it was horrible. did you have a stroke? it felt like you had a stroke. >> stephen: please welcome hannibal buress. ( cheers and
>> what's up, man? >> stephen: now, you're used to being on a talk show because you're on the "the eric andre show." you're a sidekick. is that the right word for it, "side kick." >> if you can call that a talk show. >> stephen: i enjoy it. i enjoy it. a lot of things happen on that show that are completely unexpected for the guest. >> sure. >> stephen: are you ever, as one of the cast members of that show, are you ever also surprised by what, say, comes out of his coffee mug or what he's willing to eat? >> one time, there was an episode where i hosted the show. and i was interviewing nick cannon and i was asking very in-depth questions about his collaboration with articley. do you know the song "gigolo." >> stephen: no. >> check it
then a white man with his penis out walks out and says he's my father. >> stephen: in the middle of the interview. >> in the middle of the interview. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> i handled it well. >> stephen: yeah. >> i was like, "get out of here, dad! i'm talking to-- get out of here!" >> stephen: that's good. >> i'm talking to nick cannon. "now, what were you saying about the song 'gigolo'." >> stephen: where was eric? >> he was out in a neck brace. he was injured. uh-huh. ( laughter ) gli love that show. >> i still have a tag on this jacket. >> stephen: i can help you? >> i didn't take the tag off. i'm taking it back tomorrow. i just bought this for your show. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's-- >> put it back in. >> stephen: that's x"l." that's an xl. >> yeah. >> stephen: $425. >> that's too much money for a
jacket. >> stephen: oh! ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: hold on! >> yup, well -- >> stephen: hannibal i'm your father. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you all right? >> yeah. >> stephen: i didn't just buy that jacket, did i? dijust buy that jacket? >> can i borrow $425. >> stephen: you bet. you're from chicago, right? >> i'm from chicago. >> stephen: i lived in chicago for a long time. you're moving back i understand. >> i moved back to chicago. >> stephen: i'm jealous. i lived there for 11 years. i loved it. how are you-- i don't think i could do this show there, though. why are you moving back? >> i moved back-- less famous people for competition. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so when you're in chicago-- >> yeah. >> stephen: you're a bigger fish. >> explz new york, they've got
chicago, football players have helmets so they're not famous. baseball players have 200 games, so they're busy. so, basically, it's like me and john cusack. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: you're the two famous people in chicago right now while chance it on tour. >> and we run the town. yeah. >> stephen: all right. well, you started your own business in chicago, i understand. >> yeah. >> stephen: what is this this business? >> it's not my own-- it's not a unique business model. i bought a building and i put units on airbnb. because, for one, i don't like jelling with people long term. >> stephen: you basically start aid hotel. >> yeah, yeah yeah. >> stephen: and trouble? i have never rented my house on airbnb. was it all cool? >> it's been-- it's been okay. well, one time somebody was throwing a party, and i-- i was out of town. so i get a message from the first floor person that said, "hey, they're throwing a party on the third floor. you need to shut this
left to go get some food and he came back to the building, and there was a bouncer outside. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it was that big of a party that he had his own bouncer. >> this person took ownership of the building. and they ended up stealing my tv, two paintings, and they stole the knives and the knife block which, i guess, it hurt my feelings at first that they took the knife block, but i guess you can't walk around with loose knives. you can't just have knives. >> stephen: that makes sense. you were out of town. you couldn't help to go shut it down. >> i couldn't help. >> stephen: did you say, "call john cusack while i'm out of town. he's in charge of chicago." >> i actually had a friend go by there, but he didn't want to yell at anybody in the party because he got scared because they were black. i face-timed him and i was yelling, "everybody get out of the party right now!" >> stephen: on facebook time.
here. y didn't think this through. ( laughter ). >> stephen: when you lived-- you lived in chicago your whole life or did you start off your comedy career in chicago? >> i lived in chicago my whole life, grew up. >> stephen: what did do you when you were first trying to make it in the clubs. what were you doing to pay-- i like to hear what people did to make the rent? >> i used to do door-to-door sales. >> stephen: what kinds of things-- >> i used to sell spa subscriptions and whies sox ticket s. >> stephen: spa subscriptions and white sox tickets? >> it was a terrible company. >> stephen: i open the door and give me your sell on the spa-- "hi!" >> here's what they taught me. you would have a pamphlet you would hand to people. >> stephen: i open the door. >> so they said a big part of getting the sale was get into somebody's hand. they said if you want to put it in a
towards her breasts because she'll protect her breasts like that ( laughter ). >> stephen: what about a guy? >> and they said if you want to get a guy to hold it, put it towards his penis-- "what are you selling?" >> stephen: good to know, kids. good to know. so you have a fallback position out there. anyway, congratulations on moving back to chicago. >> thank you, man. >> stephen: i'm jealous. "baywatch" opens tomorrow, right. >> tomorrow. >> stephen: hannibal buress, everybody. we'll be right back with our friend paul simon.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hay, everybody, welcome back to "late show"." ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of the greatest singer/songwriters in the world. please welcome my friend paul simon. ( cheers and applause ) sir, good to see you. ♪ ♪ nice. >> stephen: nice to have you back. nice to have you back. >> nice to be here. i just said that. that's what they always say. >> stephen: "nice to be here?" >> yeah. you don't know. let's see hue this intvi
>> stephen: let's not jinx. it was fun to do that song with you. >> i still hate it. ( laughter ). >> stephen: sincerely, that's a sincere thing. that was your idea. not a big fan of that song anymore. >> you know what? it's a good song for kids. and you know what else? people like to sing along with it. >> stephen: yeah, they do, yeah, they do. you don't. >> no. >> stephen: you have a tour coming up starting june 1, end the next week, actually. right? >> that's right, that's right. ( applause )
show. >> stephen: yeah, we had him on the old gig, yeah. >> basically, what he's saying-- i don't want to make a lecture out of this, nor is the tour a lecture tour. it's a pure -- >> stephen: so there are no slide shows or anything like that. there's no test at the end. ( laughter ) at the end of the encores, okay, yeah. >> that's a good thought. >> stephen: yeah. >> anyway, i read the book. i was very moved by it. what he's saying essentially is that there is a way of preserving the planet and allowing the human race to continue the way it's going along. but we have to start now preserving the species that we have. once extinction begins, it can't be reversed. once the ecosystems are, you know, disintegrating, they can't be restored. >> stephen: i mean, people say we're actually in the middle of a sixth great extinction right now. >> and we might possibly be in e
extinction, which means the planet-- life on the planet dies, all life. so-- ♪ feeling groovy ( laughter ) keep it light. keep it light. >> exactly. ( laughter ) >> you know, having said that, i'd like to talk a little bit about show business stuff. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i want to talk about show business stuff because you're working on a new album. i'm not sure when it comes out. but you're going back and for instance the song you're doing for us tonight. this is a song you released year agoo "so beautiful, so what" in 2012. >> that's right. >> stephen: you're going back and re-recording these. why go back and re-record these songs? >> it's a rare opportunity for a writer to go able to go back and re-examine a piece of work that was good but maybe could have been better.
really liked they thought were, you know, well written. and not-- you know, not noticed. maybe there were other hits on the album or something. or they just weren't noticed. and i'm recording them again with different musicians. and at times, i change the lyrics, if i think it's better to change a last verse. like i think,"this song was good but it didn't really pay off." so i rewrite the verse. and i'm enjoying it, enjoying the process quite a bit. >> stephen: these are songs that you think were maybe better than the hits but people didn't pay attention? >> better than "feeling groovy." >> stephen: well, we'll find out in just a second because paul simon is going to stay with us and give us a performance with the great bill frisell. stick around, everybody. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪
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to take on the "tom insurance companies and the credit card companies and the wall street banks... that's what tom perriello is about." progressive causes have been my life's work. i'm tom perriello... and before and after congress i led non-profits to battle climate change, poverty and president bush's attacks on civil rights. now i'm running for governor to reduce economic inequality. because together, we really can build a virginia that works for everyone. >> stephen: and now, performing "questions for the angels," paul simon and bill frisell!
♪ who am i in this lonely world? and where will i make my bed tonight? ♪ when twilight turns to dark questions for the angels ♪ who believes in angels? fools do ♪ fools and pilgrims all over the world ♪ if you shop for love in a bargain store ♪ and you don't get what you are bargain for ♪ can you get your money back? if an empty train in a railway station
>> stephen: hey, that's it for the "late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow, when my guests will be oscar isaac, laurie metcalf, and april ryan. now, stick around for james corden. my buddy, ed helms, is on. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way
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