jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: gracias. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming. thank you for being here. welcome to hollywood. i don't know if you saw, but outside our building today, one of the great singers, chaka khan, got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. which as very big deal in show business. chaka khan should get four stars. that way, while you walk, you can say, chaka khan, chaka khan. chaka khan, chaka khan. right? we have quite a lineup for you tonight. who is here to see albert brooks, who is here to see rammstein, and who is here to see chaz bono? really, a lot of crossover. we will definitely make a love connection in this audience tonight. speaking of love connections, the saga of arnold schwarzenegger and the maid continues to dominate the news here in california. as you probably know, on tuesday, arnold admitted to having fathered a child with a member of his housekeeping staff. specifically, this member of his housekeeping staff. there they ar

jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thank you for being here. merry apocalypse eve to every one of you here. the apocalypse -- tonight, really, may 21st is the day on which an evangelical radio broadcaster named harold camping has convinced his followers the apocalypse will begin. i checked the weather an hour ago. we have a 10% chance. he says the apocalypse will start with a huge earthquake that will shake all the true believers up to heaven and leave everyone else down here. it's like god playing boggle. what are the safety procedures do you stand in a doorway? do you stop, drop and roll? i might just get naked and run around screaming at the top of my lungs. that's how i handle most emergencies. some people have actually quit their jobs in preparation for this. i saw family on the news, they totally bought into it. they sold all their things. it's kind of sad. though, i did get a great deal on a weed whacker. $2. on

kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i appreciate that thank you for watching at home. thank you for coming. i'm glad you're here you know. it would be embarrassing to be up here talking to nobody right now. i got back from a trip to new york this morning, i'm a little bit tired. the world is going to end on like, i think saturday so i had to go say good-bye to my relatives. when i got home -- this is crazy. i don't know how it happened, but somehow, arnold schwarzenegger had impregnated my maid. what a story this is. we might not ever top this. this could be it for our lifetime, this could be the best story ever. yesterday, arnold schwarzenegger admitted to fathering what they call a love child with one of his housekeepers, which, i don't know that love child is an accurate -- i'd call it an oh crap child. [ laughter ] when the story came out, i was far away from the show i was in new york, which for me is like sleeping through christma

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto. hi there. well that's very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching at home. thank you for being here with us tonight. this is a big night for america. tonight, we crowned a new celebrity ballroom dancing champion. you know every season before the dancing begins i pick a dancer and i bet on that dancer. you know you can bet this stuff online now. this time around the dancer i picked was not the favorite. he went in at 7 to 2. if you bet $20, you win $70. i bet a lot more than 20. i've been doing this for five years. so far i picked helio castroneves. he won. that's right. i picked kristi yamaguchi. she won. i picked donny osmond to win. and sure enough, he won. last season i bet on jennifer grey. she won. and now, the man i picked this season, hines ward is the new "dancing with the stars" champion. i win again. it's unbelievable. i'm the only one impressed by it, right? [ applause ] this is why i'm known as nostra-dance-mus around here. not only i can do that but i can

kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. you know, i tell you, i was -- i was laying in bed this morning -- is it laying in bed or lying in bed? i was in bed on my back telling my girlfriend something that isn't true at all and -- lying, right? and i started thinking about oprah, remember her? that lady who used to have the show? whatever happened to her? by the way, do you think oprah is collecting unemployment? if i was oprah, my first day, i would go to the laundry mat today, just to freak people out. do you load, you know? but i miss oprah already. i finally understand how that kid on "two and a half men" feels without a mom. i really do. and you know what the biggest shame of all of this is? oprah finally has a chance to say home and watch oprah, and there's no oprah for her to watch. i've been having a difficult time with this -- [ applause ] i've based a lot of my life around oprah. fo

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live ♪ and now, in all honesty, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you for watching. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming out. [ cheers and applause ] i appreciate your enthusiasm. let me ask you, who's ready to p-a-r-t-i? [ applause ] i spelled it with an "i." i'm going to start off with some sad news tonight. i don't want to bring you down but the oprah-pocalypse is near. there are only nine more oprah shows until -- until we die i guess. we'll die, right, without her? today's oprah was her last ever makeover extravaganza. today was oprah's last ever makeover extravaganza. from here on out, we're on our own. they'll be makeovers. there won't be extravaganzas. they'll be occasional "vaganzas" but no "extravaganzas." in chicago the mayor gave oprah her own street. it's called oprah winfrey way. as you can see there. tell you one thing it's going to be fun to give directions now. like, take michigan avenue and hang a left on oprah. stay on oprah for about a

>> jimmy kimmel, duh. then click the free install button and wait for it to download. >> jimmy: wow, it's so easy, ooichb i can do. thanks, katie. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" app. available exclusively at the apple app store. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with anthony hopkins. andre agassi. and from "dancing with the stars," kendra wilkinson. hi. welcome. thanks for coming. we're going to head on into the interview. greg . . . greg . .. was fuel efficiency an important factor in buying this car? oh definitely. as all my friends would tell you i am one of the cheapest people you'll ever meet. and whenever i was filling up with gas before i'd have a scowl on my face. you seem very comfortable up there. have you done this before? no, i haven't, and i'm actually terrified right now. wait, you have something right? of course. ugh. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] icy cool intensity so you're prepared no matter how close you get. where were we? dentyne ice. practice safe breath. small space. meet big

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, odds are, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very sweet. thank you, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. and, hey, if you're watching at home, grab your crumpets and sit down in front of the telly, it's royal wedding tonight. i'm so excited, i'm royal wetting my pants. welcome to the "jimmy kimmel live" countdown to the royal wedding prenuptial festivities. our security team is ready. right guys? there they are. and who are you dressed as, guys? they really know how to commit to a part. they do. as most of you are probably aware, coverage of the royal wedding of prince william and kate middleton begins right at the end of our show here on the west coast, 4:00 a.m. eastern, 1:00 a.m. pacific. diane sawyer and barbara walters covering every magic moment. we are only hours away from the biggest collection of white people dancing awkwardly in the history of the modern world. the seating chart for the wedding was released to the public today.

kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hola. well, thank you very much. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you, cleto. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. happy cinco de mayo. i sense a slight whiff of drunkenness in this group, am i right? as you all know, cinco de mayo celebrates the day st. cinco drove the pinatas out of tijuana. cinco de mayo commemorates the mexican army's victory over the french. but is any victory over the french really unlikely? cinco de mayo is kind of weird, because they don't celebrate it much in mexico but here in the united states it's a day of mexican heritage and pride because nothing fills mexicans with pride like watching white people edrink pom grand gnat margaritas. we turn everything into a drinking holiday. mark my words. in five years, we will be getting loaded on arbor day. we have music tonight to celebrate cinco de mayo, great band from tucson called calexico is here. [ applause ] if you are at home, having a party by yourself. guillermo, this shou

>> i don't know if you are that cool, kimmel. he is probably watching the show. >> jimmy: i meant "dancing with the stars." i remember when your dad couldn't put on the dancing shoes. he was in a dance competition and couldn't wear the shoes. >> he is the master of promoting things. he was wearing the shoes from our clothing line. he thought it was a big deal. you thought he was stubborn? >> jimmy: i thought the shoes looked ridiculous and he didn't want to wear them. >> he is the best dancer in the family. >> jimmy: he is not. >> he didn't want to outshine me. >> jimmy: chelsie, you wouldn't have tolerated not wearing the shoes, would you have? >> i don't think that could have passed. i tried to get him in cuban heels. he wouldn't have it. >> i am supposed to be excited about cuban heels? >> jimmy: no, cuban sandwich, maybe. people want to know if there is any kind of romance. not for lack of trying on your part, romeo. you even kissed chelsie on the show which was a surprise to you? >> yeah, imkate of of the nowhere. >> jimmy:

♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now, great news, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. thank you, cleto. i'm glad -- i'm glad you're in a good mood. i'm in a very good mood. did you hear what happened last night? [ applause ] what an episode of "chloe yoe and lamar." apparently last night america voted and osama bin laden was eliminated from the planet earth. [ applause ] here is our president last night on live television addressing the nation. >> thank you. may god bless you. and may god bless the united states of america. >> that wraps it up there. that's breaking news. president obama addressing the nation. >> jimmy: he's very happy. he came out for several encores. i would like us to kill osama bin laden every sunday night. it makes for a much brighter start to the week for me. the news spread very quickly. i think it was the first twitter death rumor that turned out true. it explains now why the royal couple postponed their honeymoon to abb

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" ♪ >> dicky: and now, at last, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hola. thank you, cleto. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming. thank you for watching. it's wonderful to have you here. we have a lot of visitors in our audience tonight. beautiful day in los angeles here today, wasn't it? the birds were swinging, which, steven tyler liked but randy said it didn't make him jump up and down, yo. can i ask you a question, am i the only one still excited about osama bin laden being in hell right now? [ cheers and applause ] i don't know why. i think of it a lot. remember when frank sinatra sang riding high in april, shot down in may? that's literally what happened. osama bin laden, as we speak, is living with spongebob in a pineapple under the sea. he's up to 2,000 friends on shot in the facebook. [ laughter ] it's -- [ applause ] i don't mean to trivialize it. yeah, maybe you feel a certain sense of relief that justice has been done, but is it right to actually feel happy? and i think the

. >>> x@x@x@x@x@x@x@x@x@x@x@x@x@x@@ >>> >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word mio. from how it looks, to how it tastes, mio is a whole new way to have a drink that you personalize. it's like bedazzling your tongue. but why use terrible analogies to explain mio when it can be plained in song by the world's worst barbershop quartet! take it away! ♪ mio, mio, mio, mio oh, mio tastes good like your drink should ♪ ♪ six delicious flavors for your mouth to savor zero calories and it's sugar free ♪ ♪ all you have do is flip it tip it sip it! ♪ ♪ mio it's for me ♪ >> you taste really good mio. >> dickey: with 24 eight-ounce servings in every bottle, make it yours. make it mio. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with ginnif goodwin, music from zac brown band and chris o'donnell. [ cellphone vibrates ] hey baby, what's going on? [ ella ] happy anniversary! are we still on for tonight? yeah, of course. of course. [ laughs ] you remembered to make a reservation, right? yeah, i remembered that. the number one thing a man should remember. i'm gon

kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thanks for being here. thank you for watching. thanks to cleto. [ cheers and applause ] i appreciate it. i'm the host of the show. i'm tip pa middleton. you may remember me from the wedding. if you're a mother, i hope you had a good mother's day. every year, my brother, my sister and i do the same thing for our mom for mother's day. we dress up like babies and let her change our diapers. she likes it. i got my mom a nice gift. i gave her an etch a sketch and told her it's an ipad 2. [ laughter ] she loves it. she's at home talking to it right now. i thought this is cute. at the white house yesterday, sasha and malia got up very early, 6:00 in the morning, went down in the kitchen and told the chef to make their mother pancakes. isn't that adorable? i always think mother's day is funny because most of the moms i know, all they want for mother's day is to get as far away from their children as possible. i would see guys with their kids jus

kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming out tonight. and i want you to know that unlike that quitter oprah, i'm here for you. [ applause ] that's right. i will never leave you. even if you ask me to leave you i will not go. but we'll get to oprah later. why start things on a down note when we have a new "american idol." the season finale of "american idol" tonight, thank god, enough already, really. there are a number of high profile music performances on the show tonight. marc anthony, lady gaga beyonce, bono the edge lil' jon, tim mcgraw, judas priest and tom jones. it was like a mix tape from an ex-boyfriend who hated you. to no one's surprise 17-year-old scotty mccareerry took home the -- what belt do they get a championship belt? all the big performances seemed to have overshadowed the actual winner of the show. winning "american idol" is a big deal. what i hope for scotty is he's ab

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hola. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. you're here on a very good night. anthony hopkins is here. andre agassi is here. bin laden is not here he's dead. everything's going our way. as you most likely know osama bin laden was killed on sunday night. the initial reports were that he was killed by navy s.e.a.l.s. but he learned today he was killed by actual seals. they slid in on their bellies and smothered him with a beach ball, they were twirling it around. i tell you what, there's no better time than now to be a navy s.e.a.l. or a guy in a bar claiming to be a navy s.e.a.l. new details continue to emerge describing bin laden's final moments. according to sources close to officials at the white house, bin laden's final words, and this is interesting, "are you guys here about the dishwasher?" an early report suggested that during the raid he used his wife as a human shield which, i guess he could have used a fatter wife, right? but the

open 'til midnight or later. >>> from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- wanda sykes, "the bachelorette," ashley hebert and music from foster the people. with cleto and the cletones. and now, take my word for it here's jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: that's very nice. i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thank you for watching. i want to say to each of us congratulations on surviving the apop apocalypse this weekend. did any of you die? i don't think i did. maybe i did. maybe this is hell. is omarosa the guest tonight? then no, this is not hell. whew. i'm actually kind of upset the rapture didn't happen on saturday. i gave my beanie baby collection up for no reason at all. at first i felt bad for the people who sold everything they owned to prepare for the apocalypse but then i was thinking about it and i realized they're idiots. [ laughter ] even if the world did end, what are you going to do with the money you got? when the world ends, walmart is closed. [ laughter ] so then i felt a lot better about the whole thing. the guy who predicted the enofd of the

. >> i love jimmy kimmel. his show is hilarious. jimmy kimmel rooting for, i should say late night host, rooting for the connecticut kid who could not go to his prom. but today the ban was lifted for james tate. our affiliate wfsb reports the head master and the 18-year-old honors student can go now. tate got into trouble for this prom proposal, taping block letters to the side of his school so the connecticut high school banned him. then came the tv appearances and a let james tate go to prom facebook page with nearly 200,000 followers. wow. this afternoon, the head master announced she changed her mind and some say she bowed to the pressure from online. regardless, we're glad he's going to his prom. >>> up next on cnn, they are the best of the best. the u.s. navy s.e.a.l.s that killed bin laden, how much training do you think it takes to become one? the answer right after the break. i know what works differently than many other allergy medications. omnaris. omnaris, to the nose! did you know nasal symptoms like congestion can be c

president obama -- >> leave it to kimmel right? >> oh, yeah. >>> coming up next the presidential honor for one, deserving teacher today. >>> and also today, the u.s. gets a royal visit. [ male announcer ] it's simple physics... a body at rest tends to stay at rest... while a body in motion tends to stay in motion. staying active can actually ease arthritis symptoms. but if you have arthritis, staying active can be difficult. prescription celebrex can help relieve arthritis pain so your body can stay in motion. because just one 200mg celebrex a day can provide 24 hour relief for many with arthritis pain and inflammation. plus, in clinical studies, celebrex is proven to improve daily physical function so moving is easier. and celebrex is not a narcotic. when it comes to relieving your arthritis pain, you and your doctor need to balance the benefits with the risks. all prescription nsaids like celebrex, ibuprofen, naproxen, and meloxicam have the same cardiovascular warning. they all may increase the chance of heart attack or stroke,

a state representative drafting an appeal, and jimmy kimmel too. >> i guess they're worried cardboard would flutter down to the ground and injure some lady bugs or something. i don't know. >> reporter: last night, it was diane taking up the case. >> so we choose james tate who says even if he can't go to the prom, he wants sunali to go without him, dance for both of them, and he'll wait for her outside in his tux. we're rooting for you. >> reporter: late today, the school announced a change of heart for the boy who showed all the world his, he'll go to the prom with sunali telling me he already has his tux. he tells me he has a message for diane. he says tell her thanks a million. >> that is "world news" for this saturday night. as we leave you this evening, a note about somebody at abc news, a loss far too early. clem lane was an editorial force behind the scenes. our boss put it best today, saying we are all remembering clem's singular wit. our thoughts are with his family and his beloved daughter tonight. good night. >> alan: good evening. thousands will fill the streets tomorrow f

jimmy kimmel. >> i guess they're worried the cardboard would flutter down to the ground and injure some lady bugs or something? i don't know. >> exactly. >> reporter: so, while they may be bending the rules in the name of romance, the faces of the sweethearts say, better than not bending them at all. >> will you go to prom with me? >> yes. >> reporter: no guts, no prom glory. and so we choose james tate, who says even if he can't go to the prom, he wants sonali to go without him, dance for both of them, and he'll wait for her outside. we're waiting for you, james. and, we thank all of you for watching. hope you have a wonderful weekend. we're always on at abcnews.com. and "nightline" and david muir will be >> new allegations over a east bay shopping center brothel and the police running it. >> oakland police do spring cleaning tonight. dozens are arrested in a sweep of 50 hot spots for drugs and violence. >> state of emergency in san jose tonight. union leaders are accusing the mayor of a wisconsin-style ploy. >> and tonight the mobots that hold a world of promise in the future. >> a st

but thanks to you, our viewers, 10,000 tweets, 175,000 facebook friends and a little nudge from jimmy kimmel you saw there, the school reversed its decision. james will go to the prom. and there's a move afoot to name him prom king. dance one for us, james. >>> and coming up, a medical mystery solved. one mom's four-month ordeal ended. [ male announcer ] those with frequent heartburn imagine a day free of worry, a day when we can eat what we want, drink what we want, and sleep soundly through the night. finally that day has arrived with prevacid®24hr. just one pill helps keep you heartburn-free for a full 24 hours. prevent the acid that causes frequent heartburn all day, all night. now we are free. happy. with prevacid®24hr, happiness is a day without heartburn. so i've got to take care of my heart. for me cheerios is a good place to start. [ male announcer ] to keep doing what you love, take care of your heart with cheerios. the whole grain oats can help lower cholesterol. love your heart so you can do what you love. what helps keep her moving? caltrate soft chews. ready-to-go, delicious,

school senior will be going to his prom thanks to thousands of people on twitter, facebook and jimmy kimmel and our own diane sawyer. james tate was banned from his prom after breaking school rules by posting his invitation on a school wall. but under pressure from all across the country, the school's headmaster has reversed her decision. so all's well that ends well with james tate. >> you have diane sawyer to thank for that. apparently some of his colleagues at school held a sit-in, as well. >> that helped too. >> june 4th will be a good night for him. >> all right. we want to turn to weather now. jackie meretsky. good to see you. >> good to see you guys. good morning, everyone. well, it's not just residents of the south that are dealing with flooding concerns. take a look what's happening in akron, ohio, portions of north eastern ohio have received close to 6 inches of rain since friday and more on the way, and that's all because of this pesky stalled frontal boundary you can see. so the rain taking us from the ohio valley all of the way into the northeast. new york city, expect showers

. >> comedian jimmy kimmel rooting for the connecticut kid who could not go to his prom, but today the ban was lifted for james tate. it was reported the headmaster changed her mind and the 18-year-old honor student can go now. he got into trouble for this prom proposal taping block letters to the side of his school. the connecticut high school banned him. then came the tv appearances and a let james tate go to the prom facebook page with 200,000 followers. this afternoon the headmaster announced she had changed her mind and some say she bowed to the pressure from online. >>> no doubt we're in the midst of prom season and there are hundreds of kids around the nation stuck on prom. like you have probably never seen before. they created dresses and tuxes of duct tape just for the event. in georgia the high school had an entire duct tape prom. some of the students and their teachers came to visit me just to give me an up close look at their sticky situations and sensations. >> this is about the community. we've had the best time doing this. we have a fashion show around the fountain at th

an appearance on "jimmy kimmel." >> i guess they're worried that the cardboard would flutter to the ground and injure ladybugs? >> reporter: even diane taking up the case on "world news." who says he wants sonali to go without him, and dance for both of them. he'll wait outside in his tux. we're rooting for you. >> reporter: over the weekend, an about-face. the hoedmaster announcing that james will be allowed to go to the prom after all, that cases like these will now be decide on a case by case basis. even the superintendent said the kids taught them a lesson. >> students are much more adept at the social networking media than we are as a school system. >> reporter: perhaps a lesson learned by the school, and james, too, who discovered that wearing his heart on his sleeve might be safer than the school wall. he did get the girl in the end. david muir, abc news, new york. >> he did get the girl in the end. school officials said, the moral of this story, don't mess with facebook. let's get back out to sam. what else do we have coming up? >>> as we settle in for the second cup of coffee -- c

here's jimmy kimmel. >> here's our president last night on live television, addressing the nation. >> thank you. may god bless you. and may god bless the united states of america. >> that wraps it up there. this is breaking news tonight. president obama, saturdaddressi nation. >> to see him do that. and maybe he didn't outwardly do it. but maybe inside. >>> coming up, rob lowe, take you've never heard him before. we'll be back with that and a lot more after local news and weather. come on back. yep, rob lowe. >> betty white, too. >> oh, yeah. true. - hey. he went to jared. - that's a peerless diamond. the ideal ideal-cut diamond. what? female announcer: if you want to create your own one-of-a-kind ring, get to jared this thursday through sunday, because you can receive get set in diamonds rewards, up to $1,000 toward a beautiful diamond setting, when you buy your diamond at jared. choose from thousands of diamonds and hundreds of settings. get up to a $1,000 reward this thursday through sunday at jared. [ male announcer ] visine-a is clinically proven to relieve all your worst ey alle

. -- kudos to jimmy kimmel live. >> i now hand this gavel and the sacred trust that goes with it to the new speaker. god bless you. [applause] >> you wish. >> have you ever watched president obama pontificating on something and just wish that somebody would challenge what he was saying, like maybe the press? courtesy of nick derossio. sergeant joe friday doing the job the mainstream media won't do. >> guarantee that the people we are watching tonight, your people areups will go up. your employers are going to load up more costs on you. potentially they are going to drop your coverage. they just can't afford it. the federal government will go bankrupt. >> you really believe that? you appear to be a moderately well-educated man. you use that highly trained intel eakt much the same as a highly sophisticated weapon. you have had the finest university teachings in the world. how do you put it to use? for the common detriment of man. for the positive of a society that made that learning possible for you. with that intelligence you can move mountains. >> what about my rights? my family's way o

our fourth offering is a quick one but kudos to its creator, abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> i have this gavel and the sacred trust that goes with it to the new speaker. god bless you, speaker boehner. [laughter] >> you wish. you wish. now, have you ever watched president obama pontificating on something and wish someone would challenge what he was saying like maybe the press? well, courtesy of rick at bulletpeople.com here is dragnet immortal sergeant o' friday doing something the >> if we don't pass it, give the guarantee that the people we're watching tonight, your premiums will go up, your employees will load up more costs on you, they'll drop your coverage -- in terms of the cost providing to employees each and every year and the federal government will go bankrupt. >> you really believe that? you appear to be a moderately well educated man. you use that highly well trained intellect, you utilize it much as the way of a highcalsly sophisticated weapon, don't you? you have the finest education in the world. and you use it for the common detriment of man, for the disintegration of the