captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, trouble in wisconsin. somebody snuck in a vegetable. then some of baseball's cherished records are threatened. don't worry, barry bonds, your head size record is still safe. and my guest anthony bourdain travels the country in search of the best food. i'll ask him which country has the best olive garden. cargill has recalled ground turkey. personally, i don't know why anybody would buy ground turkey taint. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] thank you so much. thank you. thank you. that sound of your chanting is so soothing it's like putting a seashell up to your ear into which you have stuffed your own ego. [laughter] nation, it's barack obama's 50th birthday. [cheering and applause] [laughter] that's right. it's that time of year again, folks, when the president tries to convince us he was bo

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] man: dave chappelle...! [cheering and applause...] [♪...] damn, that was nice. thanks, y'all. oh, be comfortable. relax, everyone. thanks for coming out, man. this is... you guys are so nice. make you feel good, having your own tv show. that's a good thing, when you have your own show. all these opportunities just open up. like recently, i'm not bragging... uh, qvc-- i don't know if you watch it-- they offered my my own line of clothing. now, i almost did it. the only reason i didn't do it is not 'cause i don't like their products, as much as i just don't like the way they conduct themselves on the network. they're just gross, man. they're just nasty people. i don't know if you watch it. this was on just last night. we taped it just for the show. look at this. it's disgusting. o.k., i am being told o

[cheering and applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com captions paid for by mtv networks ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - you better not miss. - this is a dumb idea. [cheers and applause] - and we're back. welcome to the season three premiere of tosh.0. i know you guys missed me. i wish i could say the feeling was mutual. first things first. the wardrobe for the beginning of season three... colla! [cheers and applause] i know. colla! [cheers and applause] all right, knock it off. you love our new set? the answer is yes. a lot of you sent in your own ideas, which were ignored because you guys have awful ideas. john from cincinnati thinks we should broadcast from his living room. not until you get bamboo floors, my friend. someone else said, "use the talk soup set, since your show's already a rip-off of that." [laughter] that's not funny.

[cheering and applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - all right, i got a serious question. for $100,000 would you suck a man's penis? - a man's penis? i don't know. - yeah, you get to pick the dude. - so final dick approval? - all yours. - choose any dick i want to? - whoever's dick, except for me and blake's. - all right. - well... - then yeah, totally. definitely. - okay. - uh-huh, 100 gs? yeah, i think so. - whoo! okay, what about $75,000? - oh, yeah. yeah, for sure. - let'get real. five grand? - yes. - really? - i'd be 30 seconds away from getting a pretty sweet used motorcycle. - no, it would take you way longer than that, dude. - no, i think-- - who do you think you are? - are you kidding me right now? have you seen these lips? - i have. - have you enjoyed the presence of me eating a kielbasa? it's ridonk. - wow. - it's weird. girls are like, "i'm impressed by that." - okay, hold on. what is the absolute least amount of money you could get paid to blow a guy? - now we're talking. - if i'm honest with mysel

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org chappelle's show ♪

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ (anxious sigh) where's the professor? eh, probably dead. already dissolving in a bathtub, if we're lucky. i was out on the widow's walk keeping a hopeless vigil for the return of my first delivery crew. it's been 50 years since they disappeared. huh, i knew you had other crews, but you never told us you had a first crew. i remember it like it was interesting. i had just built my new shipping and receiving emporium, and i scoured the hardware store parking lot to assemble the finest crew imaginable. there was candy, the raunchy by-the-books navigator; lifter, the devastatingly handsome forklift; and captain lando tucker, a dedicated young man with no characteristics. we'll deliver that package or die trying. hey, it's all my favorite patients. and also captain tucker. pow! (laughter) whoa! you totally got me, dr. john. you're hilarious. zoidberg was popular? zoidberg had hair? i never said he had hair! if you chose to imagine him that way, that's your business.

[cheering and applause] comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org deacon: in high school, everyone's got that one magic moment when all the fears and insecurities of being a teenager just vanish, and you're on top of the world. it's like the planets have aligned or something, and everything you touch just turns to gold. and then, there's this other moment. [♪] man: get in there. follow those plans. that's right. [boys sobbing] i'll never touch myself again, i swear! it's all a big... please, no! mommy! mommy!

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> on television, online, on the go. and now free on ipad, cbs news. how the credit downgrade has some holding tighter to the wallets...and others inspired to spend. >>> nervous buyers were an eye on international markets, how the credit down grade has some holding tighter to their wallets than they are inspired to spend. >> i thought that last one said "let it be." >> waiting for the word. how ed lee continues to dodge the question, will he run for mayor? and the battle for water in san francisco and says some out of towners aren't playing fair in the pedicab business. ,,

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org clubhouses have resorted to allowing girls. [laughter] and my guest, al hunt, is a 42-year veteran of washington journalism. i'll ask him if he thinks brangelina has a baby bump.?;ñ [laughter] a woman was arrested turning tricks out of a donut shop -- the perfect place to avoid detection by the cops. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [crowd chanting stephen repeatedly] [cheers and applause] thanks so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, the 2012 election is upon us, and i love a good horse race. i like to go with the candidate who looks like he's been gelded. [laughter] that's why i'm saddling up

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, record temperatures sweep the heartland. if you can't stand the heat, go in the kitchen, get a nice cold drink. (laughter) can the internet make us better human beings? judging from youtube comments py guest tonight are legendary rockers the cars. at today's gas prices, i don't want to foe what this is costing me. captain morgan's ship has been found. if it's anything like the drink, it doesn't know what happened to it, either. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. folks, thank you very much, folks. folks, i know it's been hot this summer but i refuse to buy into the myth of global warming. it's just another big media lie, like that so-called finale of friends. (laughter) i know gang's still out there, nbc. show me what they're doing! (cheers and applause) are they happy? but once again the media's trying to convince us that this summer has been extra hot by throwing around fake temperatures. >> the current heat index-- that's the heat and humidity com

[cheering and applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [shrieking] [a

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, an old game gets an update for today's kids. it's now high fructose corn syrup land. [laughter] then new government health guidelines for women. dudes, just continue treating whatever you have with talcum powder. then my guest is robert wittman, an art crime investigator. good, i want to take out a restraining order on the mona lisa. her eyes keep following me around the room. god said i shall have no gods before me, so don't spoil your appetite wh vishnu poppers. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. nation, please, we have to... [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much. very kind. and in return, let me say, dos vidana. nation, as everyone knows, i am the world's biggest fan of spider-man. what's that, nerds? you're a bigger fan than i am? really? well then here's a spidey trivia question. which issue had you on the cover? i am on amazing spider-man number 573 sa

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since walter cronkite covered the moon landing topless. and my guest is kevin mitnick. i'll ask him how to set up my goddamn wireless printer. it's my last blog cast for two weeks-- broadcast for two weeks but i promise to give you one last great show before i go. this-- just roll it captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you so much. i'm going to say i had to all of nerddom that may

[cheering and applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheering, music playing in distance ) ( cheering ) ( drunken singing ) ( singing incoherently ) get of the way! get out--move! come on. ( groans ) come on, man. get up, get up. come on. ( police sirens wailing ) ( horn honks ) suspect out of the way. heading toward exchange. hey! move it! out of the way! ( siren wailing ) ( muttering ) hey, hold it! whoo!

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) very kind. thank you so much. thank you. welcome, please, you're too kind, ladies and gentlemen, please. folks, i want to thank you, in here, i want to welcome you out there. we've already had a very

let us know atcaptioning sponsoy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, does god need to improve his image? after 6,000 years he could probably use a little freshen up. [laughter] then, campaign fundraisers have a new secret weapon: not being newt gingrich. [laughter] and my guest elliot ackerman has a website that matches voters with candidates who share their values. ugh, they're never as fiscally conservative as their picture. [laughter] chad ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. wow, those nfl contract negotiations did not go well. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. nation, the dow lost 519 points today. it's the single biggest drop since two days ago. [laughter] everybody's trying to make sense of the markets. luckily, the new york post explained it all with today's cov

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org late news from washington that a compromise has been reached to avert a government default in two days. we're live in wash cbs5.com cbs5.com. >>> a deal is done late news from washington that a compromises that within reached. we're live in washington. >>> we're down to the wire on the debt ceiling debate it seems like everybody in america is aware of the problem but not everyone's happy with the solution. >>> and a final verdict, a decision expected this week that could mean freedom for two graduates jailed for two years in iran. cbs 5 eyewitness news is next ,,

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since walter cronkite covered the moon landing topless. and my guest is kevin mitnick. i'll ask him how to set up my goddamn wireless printer. it's my last blog cast for two weeks-- broadcast for two weeks but i promise to give you one last great show before i go. this-- just roll it captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you so much. i'm going to say i had to all of nerddom that may be watching tonight. nation, i got to tell you, that applause really brings me such, such comfort. because i got to tell you, i'm blue. (laughter) maybe i

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ good news, everyone. remember when you asked to see my family tree? all: no. ta-da! (whirring) this is my ancestor philo farnsworth, inventor of television, and as a bonus, childhood obesity. and here's dean farnsworth, developer of the farnsworth test for colorblindness.

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org clubhouses have resorted to allowing girls. [laughter] and my guest, al hunt, is a 42-year veteran of washington journalism. i'll ask him if he thinks brangelina has a baby bump.?;ñ [laughter] a woman was arrested turning tricks out of a donut shop -- the perfect place to avoid detection by the cops. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [crowd chanting stephen repeatedly] [cheers and applause] thanks so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, the 2012 election is upon us, and i love a good horse race. i like to go with the candidate who looks like he's been gelded. [laughter] that's why i'm saddling up newt gingrich. i really think he's the guy. and though some of the members of the lame-scream-meania -- [laughter] -- have counted him out, newt knows he's got something the other candidates don't. saying, quote: "i have

@@h captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> august 8, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guest mark adams will be here. a new book on machu picchu. awfully a lot of fun to say. machu picchu. we begin tonight with a more modern civilization and its mysterious decline. >> standard and poors one of the agency's, has dropped the u.s. from a triple-a rating down to a double-a-plus rating. >> jon: all right. i mean from triple-a to double-a -plus doesn't sound that bad. if you were going to rent the triple-x movie you got home and found out that the movie was just double-x-plus, are you going to worry that there was not quite enough (beep) and sucking to fill up the approximately four minutes you're going to watch it? i mean, six minutes. ladies? and by the way, the ratings agency is standard and poors. who is going to listen to a company whose name transl

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgcaptioning terrific. [man laughs] i'd like to show you how smart he is. let's have some fun and play animal quiz with michael. come on, michael. [laughs] you see what a good trainer i am. oh, there he comes. [laughs] i got the wrong end. goats are distinguished by a narrow head, a bearded chin, in the male, a short upturned tail. it's been called the poor man's cow because it yields more milk for its size... jesus christ! god...! [laughs] it's all right. ostriches are pretty funny birds. they can't fly, but they like to dance. [laughs] and they don't really bury their heads in the sand, but they do eat stones and shirts.

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

[cheering and applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ double time, soldier. i want this ice fishing operation up and running by 0800 hours. (shivers) it's too cold, dad. my teen region is freezing off. (blows raspberry) you don't know what cold is. i once survived an entire week trapped in a swiss glacier, eating nothing but frozen neanderthal. to this day i can't stand the taste of early hominid. (groans) let's just get inside the shack. hold, maggot! ow! remember the code of the ice: thick and blue, tried and true; thin and crispy, way too risky. shows what you know. crispy doesn't even rhyme with risky. aah! help, i'm drowning! (blubbering) don't worry, son, you'll freeze before you drown. (sniffs) (exhales) i love ice fishing. i shouldn't be out in this cold. i have no protective fat, hair or warm blood. i'm not even legally a mammal. (blows raspberry) you don't know what cold is. i was frozen for a thousand years. you were? huh, learn something dumb every day. (indistinct chat

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( groaning ) ( groaning ) oh, honey, you don't look so good. you should stay home from brunch. are you sure? mmm. i really want to go. you stay and rest. you can see grandma when we get back. you can see grandma when we get back. ( door opens, closes )

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ ♪ (drill whirring) (kids grunting and laughing) i got one! okay, kids. put away the dust motes till tomorrow. it's story time. oh, boy! yay! ooh! today's storyteller is a space captain who grew up right here at the orphanarium. welcome back the bed-wetter of building d, turanga leela. hi, kids. what book would you like me to read first? we don't got books no more. what? he means "anymore." look, sometimes you got to choose between eating and reading, so they ate the books.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( birds chirping, traffic noise ) ( dog panting ) ( exhales ) ( music playing ) man: oh, mistress, spank my bottom. spank it really hard. please spank my bottom! mm, that is unpleasant. woman: ah, lick my nipples. no, thank you, pregnant lady. man #2: strip, soldier! you're gonna find out why they call me the drill sergeant. ♪ oh, yeah ♪ oh, yeah ♪ oh, yeah ♪ the moon ♪ beautiful ♪ the sun ♪ even more beautiful

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, record temperatures sweep the heartland. if you can't stand the heat, go in the kitchen, get a nice cold drink. (laughter) can the internet make us better human beings? judging from youtube comments

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> august 15, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, everybody. welcome to the daily show. my name shall jon stewart. oh, listen to the crowd. they are so fired up for independence day. i can't even tell you. ( cheers and applause ) now, pakistan independence day too or just india? that was yesterday? it's on a different day? yesterday. i think i just started a fight. our guest tonight the smooth soothe sar of the money honey bear ali velshi will be joining us but our big story tonight is is presidential politics. new candidates in, old candidates out. it all happened here. ames, iowa. founded in 1632 by willie ames. yes, once again ames iowa in the spotlight as a result of the 2011 iowa straw poll are in. >> with 16,892 iowans voting, the winner of the 2011 iowa straw poll is congresswoman michele bachmann. >> jon: there you go. >> audience: boo. >> jon: i see we

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since wa

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( birds chirping, traffic noise ) ( dog panting )

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgcaptioning - morning. morning. morning. morning, everybody. morning. morning, guys. - michael. - what? what's up? - keep quiet. showalter's sleeping in there. - he is? - yeah. - [whispering] hey, show... [loudly] show! - jesus. what? - what are you doing here, man? i thought you were moving into your new place. - mm-mm, no, there was a screwup with the lease, so i'm just gonna stay here for a week, and then i'm gonna move in. - hey, why don't you stay with me and my fiancee? our futon's big enough for three. - thanks, no. i'm fine here, really. - hey, kumail, if he's gonna stay with anybody, he's gonna stay with his best bud. - that's okay; i actually like sleeping on the couch. i sleep like a little kitty cat. - michael, i know martha and the kids would love to have you. i insist. - seriously, it's fine. - well, michael, you know, i don't understand why you wouldn't rather have your own room and your own bathroom instead of sleeping here in the office on the scuzzy couch that i whack off on. ob

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org man: come out, come out, wherever you are! where is that little joker? breathe deep, mrs. dunne. that's it. that's it. push. push, that's it. keep pushing, you're doing great, mrs. dunne. you're doing great. okay, that's it. there's the head, i can see it now. okay, congratulations... it's a... - ( woman groans ) - doctor: okay, it went back in. i think he'll be good at hide and seek, mrs. dunne. ( panting ) okay. ( chuckles ) - well, you got yourself a shy one here. - ( groaning ) okay, come on out, you little bastard. - ( crunches ) - ow! he bit me!

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) very kind. thank you so much. thank you. welcome, please, you're too kind, ladies and gentlemen, please. folks, i want to thank you, in here, i want to welcome you out there. we've already had a very intimate evening here in the studio. (laughter) >> stephen: nation-- (laughter) >> stephen: i shared a few things. (laughter) nation, this is a very big week for republican presidential candidates. tonight there is the debate in iowa that will feature all the major players andtism pawlenty. (laughter) >> stephen: then saturday, of course, is the straw poll in ames, a crucial test to see if candidates can get midwesterners to put down a food plate long enough to mark a ballot but the big news today came from the iowa state fair in des moines where in an attempt to peel to more voters ron paul had himself batter dipped and deep fat fried. that was good. more chipotle sauce. meanwhile, mit

let us know atcaptioning sponsoy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, does god need to improve his image? after 6,000 years he could probably use a little freshen up. [laughter] then, campaign fundraisers have a new secret weapon: not being newt gingrich. [laughter] and my guest elliot ackerman has a website that matches voters with candidates who share their values. ugh, they're never as fiscally conservative as their picture. [laughter] chad ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. wow, those nfl contract negotiations did not go well. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause]

let us know atcaptioning sponsoy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org taj: the legendary van wilder was my mentor. he enabled me to become the king of cool at coolidge college, thanks to his many insightful life lessons, like, "two's company, "and three is only good if there's no class the next day." i'm now going to england to take the path of another great man, my father, and continue my academic studies at camford university. after pursuing my degree in history, i'll go ahead and get a minor in major [...] munching. you're not listening to anything i'm saying, are you?