here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, everybody. thanks. thank you. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching at home. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] my point is, welcome to hollywood. that's very nice. welcome to all of you who are visiting from around the world. i'm glad we can be together on world population day. world population day is today. it was started by the united nations in 1989 to raise awareness of the problems caused by overpopulation, which i, personally, think has a lot to do with people having sex. if everybody w if everybody would just stop it, we'd be fine, but -- the world population is as big as it's ever been. there are now seven billion people on the pl

this is anjul speaking. >> jimmy: no, no, it's jimmy kimmel calling. >> oh, jimmy kimmel! jimmy kimmel! hi. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. very sorry to interrupt your lunch there. >> oh, it is okay. we have not eaten for three days. ever since we heard about the musical chair show, we have been losing our sit. >> jimmy: oh. >> you get it, mr. jimmy? losing our sit. >> jimmy: yes, i did get it. that's a good one. really good one. >> well, there's plenty more where that came from. >> jimmy: excellent. i'd love to hear what you have for us. >> oh, well -- well, let me get our number one punjabi fun machine. >> who is this? oh, okay. >> jimmy. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: hi. how are you doing? >> get ready to be hilarious. >> jimmy: okay. >> get ready to take a giant sit. >> jimmy: okay. >> sit is like a -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, i got that. >> like a giant -- >> jimmy: yes, i got it. it was good. have that it? what else do you have? >> no, no, we have a million of them. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> you want a lightning round? >> jimmy: yeah, i'd love a lightning round. >> okay. >> 30 second tim

jimmy kimmel is up next. good night. >> dicky: up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live," are kids still spelling boobs? >> rebel wilson. still spelling boobs? >> re[ male announcer ] the choice on debt... mitt romney's plan: huge tax cuts for millionaires, tax breaks for oil companies and corporations that ship p jobs overseas, adding trillions to the deficit. president obama's plan: a balanced approach that asks the wealthy to pay a little mo, eliminates tax breaks for outsourcing and oil subsidies, cuts govnment spending, and reduduces the deficit by four trillion. two s.ans. your choice. [ obama ] i'm barack obama and i approve mis message. >> jimmy: hi, jimmy kimmel here. oreo cookies are celebrating their 100th birthday this year, and in honor of that, they're posting a hundred consecutive days of oreo content inspired by news headlines at oreo.com/dailytwist. for more, we go to guillermo at the oreo cookie news network. guillermo. ♪ >> guillermo: oh, good evening! i'm guillermo, and here are this wee

jimmy kimmel is up next. good night. >> dicky: up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live," are kids still spelling boobs? >> rebel wilson. and music from good old boys. >> jimmy: hi, jimmy kimmel here. oreo cookies are celebrating their 100th birthday this year, and in honor of that, they're posting a hundred consecutive days of oreo content inspired by news headlines at oreo.com/dailytwist. for more, we go to guillermo at the oreo cookie news network. guillermo. ♪ >> guillermo: oh, good evening! i'm guillermo, and here are this week's top stories. on monday, august 13th, the oreo daily twist headline was left handers day. for more on the story, eat cookies. [ laughter ] very good. next up -- today, "the oreo daily twist" was "elvis week." want to know more? too bad. time for another cookie. [ laughter ] mmmm. creamy. next. tomorrow, august 15th -- i don't know what happens tomorrow. i'm a newsman, not a psychic. that's all the news for now. it's time to leave me alone. back to you, dick. [ cheers and applau

jimmy kimmel next. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> if you're googling harry nude photos right now -- make sure you spell harry right. >> robert pattinson. >> this morning, there was a line of women, i thought they were for me. anna, what do you have. >> it's her bar in her room. >> dicky: and ricky and corey harrison. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's jimmy kimmel! tonight, robert pattinson. from "pawn stars" rick and corey harrison. music from polica. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, cleto. hello, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for putting your lives in my hands. i do want to say this before -- i'm not sure if you are aware of this, but robert pattinson is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] no, no, no, don't be scared. he's not going to hurt us. he's not really a vampire. the guys from "pawn stars" are here, too. they are going to hurt us. [ applause ] hey, this is something. nude photos, very notable nude photos popped up on the internet today. photos of what appea

jimmy kimmel is next. have a good night. >>> up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> today is national relaxation day. a day i've been preparing for for, i think, my entire life. >> thomas haden church. >> there's a sfaun and one of my cats. that's my friend todd. working on an art project. >> you guys are? >> and chef rick bayless. >> tell me what you think of that. >> oh! >> get ready to be i'm barack obama and i approve this message seen this? mitt romney claiming the president would end welfare's work requirements? the new york times calls it 'blatantly false' the washington post says: "the obama administration is not removing the bill's work requirements at all." in fact, obama's getting states to move twenty percent more people from welfare to work. and president clinton's reaction to the romney ad? it's just "not true." get the facts. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel here with guillermo. little warm for a scarf, isn't it guillermo? >> it's a fashion statement. >> jimmy: i didn't think you were

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. >>> tonight on jimmy kimmel life -- >> it's not the rest of her life. the at least the summer olympics with. >> ben stiller. >> if you ever want to take it out, do like a 12-part ping-pong. >> and emily and >> dicky: from hollywood, it's jimmy kimmel live. tonight, ben stiller. bachelorette emily and jef. and music from the head and the heart. with cleto and the cletones. and now in person, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice, thank you. hello, i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching. thank you for coming. thanks for visiting us. there's love in the air tonight. we welcome the woman formally y maynard and her new fiance jef. jef is here. and the man and emily has promised to spend if not the rest of their lives, at least the summer olympics with. [ laughter ] and last night was the finale. they immediately got engaged. soo managed to stretch that decision out for over two hours. i know not everyone has that much time to dedicate to that romance. we boiled it down to the key 30 seconds so you don't have to sit throug

and now, places, everybody, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thank you for coming. and i wish you all a happy national tequila day today. [ cheers and applause ] today is national tequila day, tomorrow is i woke up in a bush without pants day. i didn't know there was a national tequila day until today. apparently it was started five years ago by people who want to sell us more tequila. now we celebrate. did you have a fun national tequila day, guillermo? >> [ bleep ] yeah. >> jimmy: often times at the beginning of the show, i will ask guchhave you had anything t drink? what will you say? >> one or two. >> jimmy: we told guillermo we needed something to shoot. that wasn't true? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: we told him the show wasn't quite ready. people started bringing him tequila shots. the idea was we wanted to see how many of them he would actually consume. >> a friend of mine, i have been showing him. you and i. salud. >> salud. >> what is this? ♪ >> three, right? ♪ >> one

and now, after all, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy. joining us here on this -- [ cheers and applause ] -- warm summer night. all right. are you guys still on vacation? is it vacation week for many of [ cheers a? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are not on vacation. i guess we wouldn't be here if we were. in fact, we were off last week for the fourth of july. i'm happy to announce for the 44th fourth of july in a row, i still have all ten of my fingers. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is very funny. this went on in san diego. they have a big fireworks show there called the big babe boom. they do it every year. it's one of the biggest fire shows in the country. i guess they've been doing it since 2000. more than 500,000 people waited hours and hours to see it this year. unfortunately, it was over almost as quickly as it started. the fireworks, it was supposed to be choreographed and go through 18 minutes of music. instead, they all went off at once. [ fireworks ] >> jimmy: that will do it. the whole show lasted like 20 seconds

and now, for the first time today, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hold on. that's very nice. i'm jimmy. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thanks very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, my father's here. i just spotted him in the audience. how about that. hope you're having a good summer so far. summer, i guess, we're halfway through it now. sun is between and -- gone and all we're left with is myrrh. you know, president obama had a funny thing happen to him last night. he and the first lady got wooded -- boyed -- booed at a basketball game. they were at an exhibition game between brazil and the usa. you know the kis camera stops on a couple on the audience and forces them to kiss. the camera stopped on the obamas and they froze. >> the secretary of education say former player of harvard. -- is a former player of harvard. he was a very good player. i think there's probably some father/daughter coaching going on at the basketball court. [ applause ] they got president obama on the ever-po

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, everybody. thanks. thank you. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching at home. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] my point is, welcome to hollywood. that's very nice. welcome to all of you who are visiting from around the world. i'm glad we can be together on world population day. world population day is today. it was started by the united nations in 1989 to raise awareness of the problems caused by overpopulation, which i, personally, think has a lot to do with people having sex. if everybody would just stop it, we'd be fine, but -- the world population is as big as it's ever been. there are now seven billion people on the planet. so, when your mom tells you, you are special, it's not really true. [ laughter ] and they say the world population could double over the next 40 years. this is what happens when you get people wet and feed them after midnight. you can't do that. [ la

you a now, not only that, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. that's very nice, thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming here tonight. and summering with us. well, i have to say, i'm -- [ cheers and applause ] i'm glad you're enthusiastic. you picked a great night to be here. we have music from zac brown band. we have, in my opinion, the best show on tv right now, bryan cranston. promoting his -- [ applause ] he's got a family-owned car wash in new mexico he wants to talk about. i'm nervous, because i don't know if we're getting nice bryan cranston or evil bryan cranston. also tonight, the one and only larry king is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] larry has a new talk show appearing tomorrow on hulu. it was either that or wander on the beach with a metal detector. i'd like to be there when they pitch larry on this hulu. you want me to do a show on a hula-hoop? i also want to ask larry about his trip to comic-con this weekend

and now, for the first time today, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hold on. that's very nice. i'm jimmy. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thanks very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, my father's here. i just spotted him in the audience. how about that. hope you're having a good summer so far. summer, i guess, we're halfway through it now. sun is between and -- gone and all we're left with is myrrh. you know, president obama had a funny thing happen to him last night. he and the first lady got wooded -- boyed -- booed at a basketball game. they were at an exhibition game between brazil and the usa. you know the kiss cams were the camera stops on a couple on the audience and forces them to kiss. the camera stopped on the obamas and they froze. >> the secretary of education say former player of harvard. -- is a former player of harvard. he was a very good player. i think there's probably some father/daughter coaching going on at the basketball court. [ applause ] they got president obama

jimmy kimmel is up next. we'll see you tomorrow. >>> tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> if you are googling harry nude photos right now, make sure you spell hairy rigrry right. >> there was a line of women and i thought they were here for me. anna, what do you have? >> it's her bar that she keeps in her room. >> and from "pawn stars," rick and corey harrison. [ male announcer ] since 1996 welfare recipients were required to work. this bipartisan reform successfully reduced welfare rolls. on july 12th president obama quietly ended the work requirement... gutting welfare reform. one of the most respected newspapers in america called it, "nuts!" saying, "if you want to gt more people to work, "you don't loosen the requirements -- you tighten them." mitt romney's plan for a stronger middle class will put work back iwelfare. [ romney ] i'm mitt romney and i approve this message. >> jimmy: hi folks. jimmy kimmel here. ever wonder what celebrities are thinking? check out the random acts of fusion "celeb

jimmy kimmel right here next! >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> snoop dog will release an album this year. the world is expected to run out of marijuana later this year. >> how do you make a movie without the central character? >> it's better without him. >> dicky: and music from nas. >> dear >> from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live." today, jeremy renner, aaron paul, and music from nas. and now, places, everybody, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thank you for coming. and i wish you all a happy national tequila day today. [ cheers and applause ] today is national tequila day, tomorrow is i woke up in a bush without pants day. i didn't know there was a national tequila day until today. apparently it was started five years ago by people who want to sell us more tequila. now we celebrate. did you have a fun national tequila day, guillermo? >> [ bleep ] yeah. >> jimmy: often times at the beginning of the show, i will ask guchhave you had anything t d

jimmy kimmel is here next. >> up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live." unnecessary censorship. kyra sedgwick. >> jimmy: i saw your husband kevin bacon in london in the olympic time. i hope he is not in trouble. >> vhs collectors joe and nick. and music from josh doyle. an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" rnlgt. >> oh, man. i was in the middle of scoring one million points! i am sick of you ringing in the middle of a game! yes, you! >> bam! >> guillermo, free your mind from the chains of phones and check this out, man. >> what is it? >> it's the samsung galaxy player. >> is it a phone? >> no, it's not a phone. it's a fun -- thing. step up to the funcruiser guillermo, the samsung galaxy player is a multimedia powerhouse for fun on-the-go, with all your favorite music, videos and games. >> videos? games? >> and, with dual cameras and social apps, the wifi-enabled samsung galaxy player allows you to connect and share with your frienderever they are. >> wow! i gotta tell jimmy about this. >> you can text him, it's got wi-fi. >> you're a good guy. thank you, man. hasta la vista! >> good-b

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: waumg. welcome. how you doing? thank you. hi. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming out to visit.welcome to californi welcome to california for those of you who are here out of town. it's thursday. it's the weekend is almost here which means another lindsay lohan car accident is upon us. she had another car accident. at this point, it would be more efficient if i told you when she didn't get into a car accident. she rear ended someone on sunset boulevard yesterday, which i think means six more weeks of summer, right? [ laughter ] she reportedly rear ended a silver mustang that was stopped at a traffic light. this is the car that she allegedly hit. zoom in a bit. you can see the vehicle suffered massive damage. it was almost totaled. it was just a fender bender. which for her is not a bad kind of bender as far as benders go. but -- she was driving the same porsche -- i guess rented. she was driving the same porsche when she hit somebody last month. this is how porsche tests the around here we con

jimmy kimmel is next. >> dicky: up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> they said if michael phelps were its own country, marijuana would be league. >> david duchovny. >> why do we have garbagemen >> david duchovny. [ obama ] i'm barack obamaen and i approve this message. i think mitt romney's really out of touch with t the average woman's health issues... this is not the 1950s. contraceptption is so importat to women... it's about a woman being able to make decision.. i don't remember anyone as extreme as romney... i'll cut off funding to planned parenthood. i don't think mitt romney can even understand the mindset of someone who has to go to planned parenthood. planned parenthood. we're going to get rid of that. think romney would definitely drag us back... >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- david duchovny, comedian jeff ross, and music from alabama shakes with cleto and the cletones. and now, places, everybody, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi there. hello. very nice. very nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: than

and now, not only that, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto. hello, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for putting your lives in my hands. i do want to say this before -- i'm not sure if you are aware of this, but robert pattinson is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] no, no, no, don't be scared. he's not going to hurt us. he's not really a vampire. the guys from "pawn here, too. they are going to hurt us. [ applause ] hey, this is something. nude photos, very notable nude photos popped up on the internet today. photos of what appears to be prince harry, having a big naked party in las vegas. >> the royal family is learning the hard way that what happens in vegas, for them, doesn't stay in vegas. >> prince harry is finding out that what happens in vegas, doesn't stay in vegas. >> they say what happens in vegas stays in vegas, but not, it seems, if you're prince harry. >> what happens in vegas apparently is not staying in vegas.

jimmy kimmel is next. have a great weekend, everybody. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> are kids still spelling the word boobs upside down on their calculator? >> joseph gordon-levitt. >> i was on "family ties." did you know that? >> were you really? >> i was bully number two. >> who were you bullying? >> a deaf kid. >> rebel wilson. and music from good old war. >> show them what they've won! i'm barack obama and i approve this message now mitt romney's attacking the president on medicare? the nonpartisan a-a-r-p says obamacare "cracks down on medicare fraud, waste, and abuse and stngthens guaranteed benefits." d the ryan plan? a-a-r-p says it would undermine medicare and could lead to higher costs for seniors... and experts say ryan's voucher plan could raise future retirees costs more than six thousand dollars. get the facts. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- joseph gordon-levitt. rebel wilson. and music from good old war. with cleto and the cletones. and now, not onl

jimmy kimmel is next. >> dicky: up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> they said if michael phelps were its own country, marijuana would be league. >> david duchovny. >> why do we have garbagemen when we could just this is the plan for back to school. introducing share everything, only from verizon. a shareable pool of data to power up to 10 different devices. add multiple smartphones to your plan, so everyone in your family can enjoy unlimited talk and text. the first plan of its kind. share everything. get your student a samsung galaxy nexus for $99.99. want to start the day with something heart healthy and delicious? you're a talking bee... honey nut cheerios has whole grain oats that can help lower cholesterol. and it tastes good? sure does! right... ♪ wow. delicious, right? yeah. it's the honey, it makes it taste so... ♪ well, would you look at the time... what's the rush? be happy. be healthy. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- david duchovny, comedian jeff ross, and music from alabama shakes with cleto and the cletones. and now, places,

jimmy kimmel next. >> dicky: up next on all new "jimmy kimmel live." >> for the first time ever the sus men's soccer team beat mexico in mexico. americans reacted by not caring whatsoever. >> jennifer garner. >> how many times a day can you say penis? there's a limit. >> i can say it a >>> okay. this summer you just got to live r the music. live for now. tomorrow morning, you just got to live for what everybody's doing. ♪ everybody's out everybody's out ♪ >> partying in the park with neon trees. it's a live morning concert you don't want to miss tomorrow only on "good morning america" summer concert series and royed by pepsi. live for now. >> jimmy: i saw two hummingbirds this morning and i'm happy to report my ficus plant is finally flourishing. you know, diary, i have to say, my girlfriend's right -- journaling really is a rewarding experience. [ scream ] guillermo! what are you doing? >> hi, jimmy. i'm rescuing you from a man-mergency. >> jimmy: a what? >> a man-mergency. >> jimmy: a man-mergency? guillermo, it's okay. lots of men journal. >> guillermo: no, jimmy, they don't. qui

and now, not only that, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, welcome. thank you, cleto. hi there. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for braving the -- [ cheers and applause ] i know it was very hot outside in the line. today was a terrible day to be a dog walker. [ laughter ] you know? probably every day is a terrible day to be a dog walker. even though it's still the middle of august today was the first day of school for most public school students here in l.a. are kids still spelling the word "boobs" upside down on the calculators? has that been replaced by actual boobs on the iphone? [ laughter ] first day of school was always very scary for me. today, tens of thousands of p.e. students were forced to shower as a group for the first time. i think it's important for you to know that's about as traumatic as it gets. that's the top. i still use the beginning of the school year to buy myself a

>> dicky: up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> they said if michael phelps were its own country, marijuana would be league. >> david duchovny. >> why do we have garbagemen when we could just >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- david duchovny, comedian jeff ross, and music from alabama shakes with cleto and the cletones. and now, places, everybody, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi there. hello. very nice. very nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thanks for coming out to join us. on this hot and steamy summer night. it's good to be back. you know, we're on vacation for two weeks, while i was over in london to compete in the olympics which i did not, not only didn't i win, they didn't even let me on the field. did you know you have to qualify to be in the olympics? [ laughter ] totally racist. looking back, this particular olympics is the greatest sitcom with a monkey in it possibly in the history of mankind. athletes of the united states did very well. more medals than any country. 104 total. 46 in

frankly, i think he's going to do well. >> i like kimmell, i get kimmell. but putting a new show on at 12:35 in the morning, isn't that close -- tantamount to canceling it? >> there could be. but there's so much with time-shifted viewing and dvr viewing on demand, on the web, that it -- this may just be what's trending. i actually think what's more interesting is how important 11:35 remains to all of these comedians when we're living in an age where the actually consumption of a lot of the this material happens way, you know, in other places, other times. >> let's be clear. this isn't ted cokoppel's "nightline," but it dealt with hard news. that is going to be lost. no knock on kimmell, but is there any part of you that says, gee, this is a shame? >> it is because "nightline" is a great show. we've been talking about the media environment. there are so many platforms on line. obviously we have three 24-hour cable news channels that have programming up until 11:00 p.m. so can "nightline" offer something that we don't already have or is it about giving jimmy

abc's moving jimmy kimmel. can the younger comedian make the vets step up their game in the late-night tv war. and what happens to abc's night line anyway? >>> i'm just in love with, enamored with the design of the human body. its elegance, nature has often these very powerful, if captured in a technology in a device, can be very, very extraordinary in their capacity to help people move again. so it's -- that's the basic thesis of our work. we steal from the cookie jar of nature. we apply that and build synthetic constructs. an airline has planes... and people. and the planes can seem the same so, it comes down to the people. because, bad weather the price of oil those are every airlines reality. and solutions won't come from 500 tons of metal and a paint job. they'll come from people. delta people. who made us one of the biggest airlines in the world. and then decided that wasn't enough. ♪ (train horn) vo: wherever our trains go, the economy comes to life. norfolk southern. one line, infinite possibilities.

jimmy kimmel is next. we'll see you here tomorrow. >> dicky: tonight on an all new "jimmy kimmel live" --? going from midnight to 11:35 might not seem like a big deal it's only 25 minutes. probably the most important 35 manipulates of my life since i had sex. >> dicky: gordon ramsay. >> jimmy: i like it when the [ male announcer ] since 1996 welfare recipients were required to work. this bipartisan reform successfully reduced welfare rolls on july 12th president obama quietly ended the work requirement... gutting welfare reform. one of the most respected newspapers in amica called it, "nuts!" saying, "if you want to gt more people to work, "you don't loosen the requirements -- you tighten them." mitt romney's plan for a stronger middle class will put work back iwelfare. [ romney ] i'm mitt romney and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight gordon ramsay, jordin sparks, and music from andy grammer. with cleto and the cletones. and now,

jimmy kimmel is next. >> dicky: tonight on an all new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> apparently, they want a president they can have a deer with and a vice president they can have a threesome with. >> dicky: tom arnold. >> the woman cannot say one nice thing. i was crying, laughing, she hasn't changed. she's the same! >> dicky: ashley greene and [ male announcer ] since 1996 welfare recipients were required to work. this bipartisan reform successfully reduced welfare rolls. on july 12t2th president obaa quietly ended the work requirement... gutting welfare reform. one of the mt respected newspapers in america called it, "nuts!" saying, "if you want to get more people to work, "you don't loosen the requirements -- you tighten them." mitt romney's plan for a stronger middle class will put work back iwelfare. [ romney ] i'm mitt romney and i approve this message. ♪ >> jimmy: guillermo! what's with all the peanuts? there's enough here to feed three elephants! >> guillermo: we always eat peanuts when we drink beer. >> jimmy: yeah, well that's a lot of peanuts. >> guillermo: because we have a

upload it to youtube entitled hey, jimmy kimmel, i got my kid a horrible outfit. that way we can find it easily. we'll be able to collect these and we could show it on the program. everyone wins, except the kid. [ applause ] do that for us. here's an interesting bit of news, a new government survey has found in 2011 for the first time, 12 states had what they described as very high obesity rates. which i can't tell if that's good or bad news because that means 38 didn't, right? the last time it was done, 2007, -- 2010, only nine states had high obesity. but i guess three states went on a binge. alabama, michigan, missouri, oklahoma, south carolina, and west virginia ranked fattest. mississippi was number one fattest. colorado was the least fat state, only 21% obesity. i guess it's hard to work up an appetite when everybody smells like this guy. [ laughter ] the survey was conducted by telephone. it's just as easily could have been conducted by mirror. i wonder how that works. hi, we're doing a survey, how fat are you? [ laughter ] it's a good thing people don't li

jimmy kimmel is next. >> dicky: tonight on an all new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> apparently, they want a president they can have a deer with and a vice president they can have a threesome with. >> dicky: tom arnold. >> the woman cannot say one nice thing. i was crying, laughing, she hasn't changed. she's the same! >> dicky: ashley greene and music from the wood good morning! wow. want to start the day with something heart healthy and delicious? you're a talking bee... honey nut cheerios has whole grain oats that can help lower cholesterol. and it tastes good? sure does! right... ♪ wow. delicious, right? yeah. it's the honey, it makes it taste so... ♪ well, would you look at the time... what's the rush? be happy. be healthy. ♪ >> jimmy: guillermo! what's with all the peanuts? there's enough here to feed three elephants! >> guillermo: we always eat peanuts when we drink beer. >> jimmy: yeah, well that's a lot of peanuts. >> guillermo: because we have a lot of bud light to drink, jimmy. i'm playing in the bud light fantasy football league. specially marked bottles of bud light have

jimmy kimmel is next. >> dicky: tonight on an all new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> apparently, they want a president they can have a deer with and a vice president they can have a threesome with. >> dicky: tom arnold. >> the woman cannot say one nice thing. i was crying, laughing, she hasn't changed. she's the same! >> dicky: ashley greene and music from the wood ♪ >> jimmy: guillermo! what's with all the peanuts? there's enough here to feed three elephants! >> guillermo: we always eat peanuts when we drink beer. >> jimmy: yeah, well that's a lot of peanuts. >> guillermo: because we have a lot of bud light to drink, jimmy. i'm playing in the bud light fantasy football league. specially marked bottles of bud light have codes i register online to draft new players for my fantasy football team. i need to get all the good players, jimmy! i gotta get the good players! that's why we have to drink all this bud light. >> jimmy: you know, we don't have to drink all the bottles to get the codes from them. >> guillermo: we don't? >> jimmy: no, we don't. the codes are printed right on the back. yo

. >> a big promotion for abc's jimmy kimmel. you'll be seeing changes soon. >> coming up on abc 7 news at 5:00 a cap and gown is a key to surviving a tough job market. how much having a college education can help your career. >> at 4:30 checking traffic at mcarthur maze. there is a slow going from left to right and this maze is cars snaking through. better on the righthand side of the screen. some heading into san francisco. this is slow, pretty much in both directions. back with more on abc 7 nx >>> love the story. the bay area cheryl burke is helping people with spinal cord injuries dance competitively in wheelchairs this coming friday. cheryl is getting ready herself for dancing in the season but she took time out this year to meet with some of the folks part of the project between american dance wheel foundation and palo alto veterans administration. the v.a.is doing research on the therapeutic affects on the program. >> one of the biggest things i got out of the program is that this helped in my own depression. doing physic

hold o you stole that bit from jimmy kimmel. quiet, you! >> jimmy: there are a lot of stories about you in the press. and i'm never really sure whether they're false. whether you've tricked someone into thinking that they're true. >> like i'm a trickster. >> jimmy: yeah, or whether they're actually true. you are kind of a trickster. you do a lot of stuff. >> i'm a tricky little swine, jim. >> jimmy: indeed you are. >> the reality, don't take it too seriously. you can only see the tip of the iceberg. the senses are very limited. most of reality is inaccessible to us. imagine what's going on in space right now. who knows. you can't even see it. there could be stuff under that chair. i'll check. [ laughter ] >> basically okay. >> jimmy: see, i think you're fine without a host. you can do the whole show on your own. >> this guest has got to go. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, yeah -- >> you're contributing. i'll never forget you, glass of water. hey, people are 70% water -- water is 100% water. water wins. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're right. that

jimmy kimmel and up next and we'll see you here tomorrow. >> dicky: tonight on jimmy kimmel live -- >> are kids still spelling boobs upside down on their calculator? or has that been replaced by actual boobs on the iphone? >> i was on family ties. i was bully number two. >> jimmy: who were you bullying? >> i deaf kid, actually. >> dicky: and music from president clinton: this election to me is aut which... candidate is more likely to return us to full employment. this is a clear choice. the republican plan is to cut more taxes on upper-income... people and go back to deregulation. that's what got us in trouble in the first place. president obama has a plan to rebuild america from... the ground up, investing in innovation, education... and job training. it only works if there is a instrong middle class... that's what happened when i was president. we need to keep going with his plan. president obama: i'm barack obama and... i approve this message. >> jimmy: hello folks. it's not easy being a kid. grown-ups forget day-to-day challenges that may seem small to us, can ruin a kid's day. to

. ,,,, >> from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live" -- tonight -- with cleto cletones. here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everybody. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming and sitting like civilized people. that does not go unnoticed. glad to see everyone made it through the earthquake. we had a little earthquake here last night. did you feel it? i slept right through it. i did. now who's dumb for living in a bouncy castle? [ laughter ] it was centered in marina del rey, which isn't far from here. 3.7 on the richter scale. like a tenth of a kurt russell movie earthquake. it's not too bad. [ laughter ] happened at 3:15 in the morning. my girlfriend woke up right away and googled earthquake in l.a. but nothing had been posted yet so -- then she went to twitter and saw that josh groban confirmed that he felt it, too. that is how we exchange information. sometimes in l.a., you don't know if it was an earthquake or if lindsay lohan crashed her car into your house. that's when we turn to groban for the news. you know how they say

jimmy kimmel and up next and we'll see you here tomorrow. >> dicky: tonight on jimmy kimmel live -- >> are kids still spelling boobs upside down on their calculator? or has that been replaced by actual boobs on the iphone? >> i was on family ties. i was bully number two. >> jimmy: who were you bullying? >> i deaf kid, actually. >> dicky: and music from good old more. >> jimmy: show them what they've won. ♪ >> jimmy: hello folks. it's not easy being a kid. grown-ups forget day-to-day challenges that may seem small to us, can ruin a kid's day. to share your long days of childhood stories, log on to facebook. >> i love dodge ball. >> i pick suzi. >> yes! >> i guess i'll take gill ermo. >> they pick me last again. ♪ guillermo felt bad because he got picked last ♪ ♪ he's clumsy and round ♪ and not very fast ♪ he needs ragu ♪ because growing up is tough ♪ give him ragu ♪ he's been through enough >> i'm so happy to be italian. >> dicky: it's not easy being a kid, but sometimes a favorite thing like ragu pasta sauce, can help make it a little better. share stories of your ki

and now, first things first, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. welcome. that's very nice. thank you, cleto. hi there, i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thanks for being here. and i'm glad you are here because we have -- we got some big news. it was a big day for us here today. you may have heard about this or maybe not. abc, our network, announced today, and i hope this wasn't a prank, because it would be a very cruel thing to do. starting in january right around the ten-year anniversary, the show is moving from midnight to 11:35. throwing off my feeding schedule. i know moving from midnight to 11:35 might not seem like a big deal, it's only 25 minutes but it's probably the most important 25 minutes of my life since the first 14 times i had sex. [ laughter ] and the big news is, oftentimes, people will come up to me and tell me your show's on too late for me. well, you're going to need a new excuse now. like, for instance, your show sucks. [ laughter ] st

jimmy kimmel is up next. and we will see you here tomorrow. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> moving from midnight to 11:35 might not sound like a big deal, but probably the most important 25 minutes of my life since the first 14 times i had sex. >> gordon ray sam. >> i like it when a chef is fat. it makes me feel like things must be good in the kitchen. i look at you, i wonder, i go, i don't know. >> jordin sparks. and music from andy grammer. >> get that away from me! >> jimmy: i saw two humming birds this morning and i'm happy to report, my ficus plant is finally flourishing. you know, diary, i have to say, my rlfriend's right. journalling really is a rewarding experience. [ whistle ] guillermo, what are you doing? >> hi, jimmy. i'm rescuing you from man-emergency. >> jimmy: from what? >> a man-mergency. >> jimmy: it's okay, guillermo, a lot of men journal. >> no, jimmy, they don't. quick. eat this. this is slim jim smoky mes keat steakhouse strip. >> jimmy: what? >> slim jim smoky mesquite steakhou