♪ ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well come to the report. good to you have with us, lady its and gentlemen, let me begin by saying ellen silla lumen omentielvo. (applause) >> stephen: i slipped in a little quenya there, i'm just so pumped about the new hobbit movie about that hobbit, the hobbit. hobbit, hobbit, hobbit. you ever say a word so pain times it sounds like somebody just made it up? anyway, this thursday is the new york premier of peter jackson's j.r.r. tolkien the hobbit part one, an unexpected journey, tokyo drift. (laughter) and this week we got all the big stars. sir ian mckellen, gandalf the grey. (cheers and applause) we got sir martin freeman, bilbo baggins. (cheers and applause) sir peter jackson who played a very convincing film director. and sir andy serkis who is either the man who played caesar in rise of the planet

role call, south carolina for stephen colbert. "new york post", are we ready for senator colbert? (cheers and applause) are we ready? well, i get it i get it i know when i look at the u.s. senate. i say to myself, you know what they could use, another white guy. (laughter) so i want you to take to the twitters, okay, take to the twitters. i want you to tweet@nikki-- ask nikki haley why she should appoint me to the u.s. is senate with the hashtag senator colbert. (cheers and applause) s that-- that feels right. now of course we all know jim demint leaves some big shoes to fill. then again-- (cheers and applause) but i'm not surprised that the people want me to have this honor. i've been honored in so many ways. in lego form, in ice cream, in space station treadmill, as a plush hockey mascot. which of course let me realize my dream of having drunk townies throw beer cans at me. but now the ultimate honor has come. being immortallized at madame tussaud's wax museum. they-- i know, i know, it's impressive. they have the world's biggest collection of glassy eyed fake celebrities outsid

senate could use stephen colbert. >> there is already a twitter page, a draft colbert web site. i can tell you having done a show with him in charleston, he is an absolute rock star in that state. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes, i am a rock star in south carolina and not just because i ended my rally there with herman cain by biting the head off a dove. it's a local delicacy. (laughter) >> stephen: lovely with a side of palms. they love me in the palmetto state because i love it. i love the beaches. i love the mountains. i love the beautiful old estates that have no negative historical connotation whatsoever. of course not everybody is happy about my imminent appointment. for instance the atlantic called my vastly overqualified. and nbc.com said senator stephen colbert, perhaps not as crazy as senator jim demint. what? i am at least as crazy as jim demint. he wanted to ban gay teachers from the classroom. i want to ban teachers from the classroom. (laughter) with their knowledge agenda. i say let the free market decide what the atomic weight of carbon is. but mi the clear

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this is stephen colbert's senior moment. nation, as you age you start to face some tough questions like why is it so cold in here. or who is twitter. and why doesn't that coloured nurse like it when i call her that coloured nurse. but more than anything you wonder where you'll spend your golden years, nursing homes can be isolating and catherine zeta-jones can only marry one old man at a time. now sure, your adult children could take you in but if you lived in the basement where would they put the bumper pool table. the grandkids need that to throw their wet coats on. luckily the solution could be as close as the very lawn you yell at kids to keep off. >> we're checking out a business that makes grange pods that is what they are calling them, long-term care housing options for the elderly. they're portable. they can be set up right on your property n your backyard if you want. the units are specifically designed to meet the needs of your loved ones and are an option some say to choosing over nursing homes. >> stephen: yes, a

wait a second. >> yes, senator stephen colbert. and it makes perfect sense now that jim demint is leaving. so why not fill the vacancy for south carolina's funniest favorite son? now, you may scoff at the very idea, but so did some at the idea of an idea of senator al franken and california congressman sonny bono and i take it you remember our 40th president, ronnie wilson reagan. it's not that farfetched. mr. colbert's only real trouble, he'd have to stand to the right of jim demint. joining us now is ari melber, a correspondent for "the nation" and an msnbc contributor and professor michael eric dyson from georgetown university and an msnbc political analyst. ari, if i can begin with you. why not replace one comic actor with another. >> what i love what stephen colbert does, he reminds us of the many absurdityiies we matakr granted. >> well, colbert brings star power. a go p lobbyist telling roll call that demiemint will have t star power of ben affleck. is that right. is he now the ben affleck of the tea party? another insider s

>> "killing colbert." well, i had no choice but to launch "operation killing killing kennedy" to knock o'reilly's book from the top spot. and nation, you did it. yesterday "america again" hit number one on amazon! wooooooooo! [cheers and applause] literally -- literally read it and weep, bill! this is huge. "killing kennedy" has been on the amazon charts for ten weeks! nine weeks longer than it took him to write it. [ laughter ] not only did "america again" beat out "killing kennedy," it also beat out the kinky, psychosexual novel "fifty shades of grey" due, i'm sure, to my book's graphic depictions of depraved sadomasochistic sex. [ laughter ] once again, my apologies to doris kearns goodwin. [ laughter ] as for papa bear, i have so crushed my hero, i look forward to his next book "killing a fifth of bourbon in a puddle of my own tears" by bill o'reilly but my book is not the only thing that has captured the imagination of america. the country is gripped by the prospect that i will be appointed to replace

. >>> south carolina's governor may have closed the door on comedian steve colbert's senate dreams. colbert has been urging fans to pressure governor nickie hailey into picking him for the senate seat to replace jim demint who is retiring. a poll shows colbert is the favorite in the state but the governor has not committed on his comedic candidacy. specifically. but she did post online saying colbert not knowing the state drink was milk was a big mistake. >> oh-oh. >>> the world banking giant plans to pay a record fine for u.s. allegations that it ignored red flags pointing to money laundering. the penalty for hsbc is $1.9 billion. a senate report says hsbc mexico shipped billions of dollars of cash to the u.s., money believed to be tried to drugs and terrorism. >>> a report sent hewlett- packard soaring leading to a higher dow yesterday. the report says activist investor carl icahn plans to put a stake in hp which helped the stock, down 45% in the year. icahn is said to be worth more than $14 billion and his hedge fund was one of the top performers last year. >>> it's been a record

. >> stephen: but they were all just opening acts for rock legend stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) i was honored. folks, i got to say, i was honored to be there and to be just off stage where i filmed mick jagger shaking his sexy bag of bones. here we go. (cheers and applause) just me and mick. you know, folks, donations are still being accepted. you can help the victims of hurricane sandy with a $10 do facial by texting robin hood to 50555 which i believe is paul mccartney's cell phone. (laughter) now folks, you know me, you know i have had it up to here with this imperial presidency. the arrogance of getting re-elected by running on a platform that voters find appealing sickens mement and now, and now folks, get ready for this, lady michelle antoinette. has abused her power yet again. >> oh, the perks of being first lady michelle obama is a self-professed downton abbey fan. she could not bear waiting until january 6th for the new season to begin so she asked the british filmmakers for a copy now. she got it. >> stephen: oh, yes, cup cup, fetch me the downton

report" the "the colbert report" ♪ (laughter) ♪ the "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen! folks -- (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) folks, with an army like you behind me, i think we can storm the moranin. folks, it is night two of how about week or as they say in the black tong of mordor, tuesday. (laughter) i'm just enjoying some of the pipe weed that sir ian mckellan left in his dressing room. (laughter) pretty good. not as good as the stuff that willie nelson leaves behind. (laughter) still, wizardy weed is good for one thing. check this out. not bad, eh. save that for later. last night, gandalf the gray asked me to join him on the adventure and tonight it is the lead character of bilbo gag agains. martin freeman. how exciting, his father morgan must be so proud. (laughter) more on martin later but now, folks, i always go from the gut because my gut is the largest single organ in my body next to my balls. (laughter) sorry, prostate, maybe next exam. (laughter) but now scientist

this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole t

television host stephen colbert has announced his resignation from "the colbert report" effective immediately. (laughter) because, folks, i am stinking filthy rich! (laughter) jimmy, tell them why! >> power bavl sales are skyrocketing, upping both the jackpot and the odds that somebody will actually win the big prize tonight. it sits at $550 million. >> stephen: $550 million! suck my powerball! (laughter and applause) jimmy, play my jam. ♪ you're a rich girl and you've gone too far ♪ because you know it don't matter anyway -- ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ you can rely on the old man's money -- ♪ >> stephen: now -- (laughs) whoo! (cheers and applause) now i know that lotto money is going to be mine, okay? even though the drawing hasn't happened yet, even though the odds of winning are 175 million to one. because i bought 175 million tickets. (laughter) and i'm guaranteed to win, because every single one of these babies has the exact same lucky numbers. (laughter) all right? so it's in the bank. i am megarich! no more slaving away for the man 30 minutes a day four days a week. (laughter)

from stephen colbert to justin bieber. he says winning a grammy award is one of his goals but it won't happen this year. he didn't get a single nomination and he's not happy about it. we'll show you what's next. >> this portion of cbs "this morning" is sponsored by party city. dress up your holiday party. party city nobody has more party for less. ,,,, >>> this is a cbs 5 eyewitness news morning update. >>> good morning everyone. it's 7:56 i'm michelle griego. a man who fell at the oakland coliseum is hospitalized in serious condition this morning. he landed 30 feet below after the fall from the upper deck last night. as fans were gathered for a raiders game. investigators now say it was an accident. >>> today is pearl harbor day. it was 71 years ago today that japan attacked the u.s. military base in hawaii pulling our country into world war ii. in the bay area survivors of the attack will gather a top mount diablo for the annual lighting for the beacon. stay with us for traffic and weather in just a moment. nocke. and so

a twitter page, facebook, draft colbert website. i can tell you having done a show with him in charleston, he's an absolute rock star in that state. >> yes, i am a rock star in south carolina and not just because i ended my rally there with herman cain by biting the head off a dove. now, my network contract prohibits me from taking on another full-time job, so the sfl senate would be perfect. >>> south carolina senator decie in the seat until the election in 2014. jim demint is leaving next month to head the senator think tank. >>> president obama hasn't made a decision yet on hillary clinton's replacement at the state department, but susan rice and senator john kerry are rumored to be the top picks. john mccain is wouch the harshest critics. he accused her of the attacks on benghazi. some say her handling of benghazi make hers unqualified for the position. but mccain's committee move may not be just about susan riechls his time. his office confirmed he's interested in the foreign relations post but no decision been made. >>> so wha

., of south carolina, and now stephen colbert for senate? with republican jim demint of south carolina leaving the senate before his term is over, there's already a groundswell of support on the web for colbert to take his seat. someone has already even created @colbertforsenate but alas south carolina governor nikki halec is dashing the dream of colbert fans everywhere. >>> in a facebook past haley said he forgot about a key state about his home state, south carolina state drink is milk and did thank him for his interest. sushi, anyone? take a look at the size of this fish, wow. it might be the largest yellow fin tuna ever caught with a rod and a reel. look at that thing. a fishermen battled the big fish for two hours in mexican waters about 1,000 miles southwest of san diego. i cannot get over the size of that fish. the official weight won't be known until sunday when they pull into port, but in a telephone interview, the boat skipper said it weighed in at a record 459 pounds. wow. >>> is this the end of "gangnam style" mania? korean pop s

i'm no stephen colbert who does have a strong connection to that seat. the two top front-runners will come back to her in a minute. the front-runners are tim scott and mark mulvanney and tim scott would be by most calculations the real front run arer there. he is african-american and would become the only senator if he were appointed to that job for a party that has problems with the coalition. and a lot of people think that they need to look more like the rest of america. that would be a smart move. and it is possible that she can appoint herself and i wouldn't put it past her. so, there is some chance that she will go that direction. and if hayley does appoint herself, she has two years to run for the seat and claim it in a real way. it seems that she would probably if you were having to bet on this be a stronger statewide candidate than the others. >> yeah, she probably would be. particularly, what john was saying, given what john was saying, i did read today that the former governor of the state is interested in running. that is how he is going to ma