seth meyers ran for class president, lost. was considered lame nerd by most, all. [ laughter ] is this the same seth meyers who ate lunch with the chorus teacher every day or the seth meyers who said he was bringing cindy crawford to prom but just brought his mom in a brown wig? the answer is both. [ laughter ] there's some awards i won. second best looking meyers brother, there were two of us. least dressed and least likely to host a late night talk show. shows what they know, because i do host a late night talk show. not only that, it is on very, very late. [ laughter ] let's see what happens is we venture a little bit deeper into deep google. [ thunder clap ] here we go, page 34. rank your favorite "new years eve" cast members. oh, that's great. i don't know if many of you know this, but i had small role in the film "new years eve." you can catch it every year on deep cable. [ laughter ] let's take a look. i should be fairly high up there. i did have the titular line in the film which went -- and i hope i can summon the sam

stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. buh-bye! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- ellen page. lewis black. music from black label society. featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ and now, here he is, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening! [ cheers and applause ] i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everyone doing tonight? are we well? [ cheers ] thank you so much. well, let's get started. a toronto newspaper is reporting that rob ford is missing after he failed to show up to the chicago area rehab facility he was supposed to enter. surprising news, to people who are easily surprised. [ light laughter ] hillary clinton told audiences at a health conference yesterday that her guilty pleasure is chocolate. "yes, me, too," said bill clinton. "chocolate." [ laughter ] this is pretty cool. today is national tourist apprec

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >>> seth: good evening, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? doing well? [ cheers ] is everybody well? let's start off tonight with a little celebrity news. a fan has posted a video of drake using a lint roller on his pants at a toronto raptors game. [ laughter ] it's interesting. see, when i use a lint roller, i do my jacket first, but drake started from the bottom. [ laughter ] that's what that song is about. it's about slacks maintenance. i love this. a kansas man on trial for first-degree murder wants to remove a tattoo across his neck reading "murderer" because he's worried it might prejudice the jury. [ laughter ] though, he might be able to create reasonable doubt by just adding a question mark. [ laughter and applause ] murderer? murder? anybody here see "frozen"? [ cheers and applause ] well, the academy award winning couple who wrote songs for "frozen" told npr yesterday that disney doesn't welcome religious themes in their movies. of course, the movie "frozen" still promote

>> seth: no. it's -- seth meyers. this is -- this is "late night with seth meyers." >> oh, wow! [ cheers and applause ] oh! oh! what sweet children. y'all have a bad taste or good manners. now -- where are we? >> seth: where are we right now? so, this is studio 8g. >> oh! i live in 14 j. it is also a studio apartment. [ laughter ] only it's not this big. this is a size of studios back when i was young! there were less people in the world -- so apartments were much bigger. now, there's roughly a billiondy people. but remember, there's only one you. you are very special, seth michael. [ light laughter ] >> seth: meyers. >> michael meyers. [ laughter and applause ] do you -- do you know who else's name is michael meyers? >> seth: who? >> michael meyers! >> seth: that checks out. that totally checks out. >> what -- what kind of show is this? >> seth: oh, this is -- this is a comedy show. >> oh, it's a comedy show. >> seth: yeah, it is. >> i have a comedy joke. [ laughter ] knock, knock. >> seth: who's there? >> the other person on the other side of the door. >> seth: the other perso

>> seth: when she used to call you meyers. >> she calls me meyers. >> seth: which is also my last name. so it's super confusing. >> yes. that is confusing. [ laughter ] >> seth: so i knew sethly was me. meyers was not me. >> correct. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> does somebody call you meyers, though, like a coach? >> seth: no. i never -- i was always the first name person. >> meyers -- >> seth: did you ever -- ? >> -- towel up. [ laughter ] shower. meyers, give me 50. >> seth: wait. you want me to towel up, then shower? >> i don't know what that -- i don't know what "towel up" means. [ laughter ] >> seth: i have to towel up, then shower. >> but i don't know what -- i don't know what toweling up is. >> seth: and then give you 50 soaking wet? >> is that like a man thing? what is -- >> seth: i'm reporting you to the authorities. [ laughter ] the order you just suggested those are very dodgy. >> and then give me 50. [ laughter ] >> seth: and you really didn't make it clear, like, 50 of what? >> no. exactly. [ laughter ] >> seth: this is -- you're doing like an old school variety special.

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] are we well? that's excellent news. that is excellent news. there's also some bad news, donald sterling news, well, it just keeps coming. [ laughter ] no other way to put it than it just keeps coming. on monday the nba announced it will hold a meeting to decide whether to revoke donald sterling's ownership of the clippers. the meeting is expected to last from 9:00 a.m. to 9:01 a.m. [ laughter ] fingers crossed for donald. this is pretty cool. an 11-year-old boy in ireland was able to save his grandfather from a car accident by taking the wheel and using skills he learned playing grand theft auto. [ laughter ] so it was probably unnecessary for him to pull over and beat up that hooker. [ laughter and applause ] you just don't need to do that. there's no reason to do that. this is truly crazy. a high school in arizona added a section to its year book titled, "i'm working a double shift" which features students who are teen parents. [ audience ohs ] while in flori

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening. [ cheers and applause ] i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everyone doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] are we well? everybody well? lets start off tonight with some really cool news. this is very cool. seattle native sargeant kyle white was awarded the medal of honor by president obama today for running into enemy fire to save his wounded comrades. meanwhile, i sent back a salad because the croutons were too big. [ laughter ] and i didn't get anything. [ laughter ] well, donald sterling is still at it. i don't know if you've been following the donald sterling saga, but during last night's interview with anderson cooper, donald sterling said, "magic johnson, what has he done? he's got aids." [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] he then added, "now, what are these cameras for? [ laughter ] oh, this is a filmed interview. no, i did it again." [ laughter ] "donald!" some international news. yesterday, iran claimed to have created a replica of an american drone they captured three years ago. apparently, it's such a realis

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening. [ cheers and applause ] i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] are we well? is everyone well? all right. we begin tonight with donald sterling. i don't know if you guys have been following the whole donald sterling thing. the nba announced this afternoon that clippers owner donald sterling has been banned for life from any nba event. [ cheers and applause ] banned for life from any nba event. and you can probably guess who he's blaming. [ laughter ] the nba laid out his punishment which will include the lifetime ban from the nba, a $2.5 million fine, and two free throws. [ laughter ] very serious. sterling couldn't be reached for comment because he's not super psyched about the phone right now. [ light laughter ] i'm pretty sure he's answering the phone, this is donald sterling and i love black people. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this is kinda nice, yeah. if i were him, that's what i'd be doing. this is kinda nice. in honor of arbor day, the online pornography s

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? are we well? is everybody well? [ cheers and applause ] sorry to start on a downer but more bad news for toronto mayor rob ford. [ laughter ] another video has surfaced of rob ford smoking crack. and today his lawyers announced that he will be going to rehab. it's the first time someone has said they're going to rehab and rehab said "no, no, no." [ laughter ] rehab said that. [ cheers and applause ] that's right, everyone. rob ford's lawyers say that he will take a leave of absence to seek help for substance abuse, though they didn't say whether the substance in question was crack or gravy. [ laughter ] it's likely both. [ laughter ] some international news. yesterday the japanese government refused entry to 23 russians in cooperation with the sanctions imposed by the u.s. well, they refused entry to one russian, but 22 smaller ones were stacked inside him. [ laughter and applause ] the royal court of saudi arabia

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? are we well? is everyone well? well, let's get started tonight with some international news. ukraine's acting president announced today that the government has lost control after several more government buildings were taken over by pro-russia forces. another sign that they've lost control? the phrase "acting president." [ laughter ] "i'm here for the part of president." [ laughter ] [ with deep voice ] "you get out of here." that's my president voice. [ laughter ] [ with deep voice ] "you get out of here, russia." this is unbelievable. this week, glenn beck told listeners, if hillary clinton is elected, she will be having sex with a woman on the white house desk. [ laughter ] "well, she's got my vote," said bill clinton. [ laughter and applause ] and keep it classy, glenn beck. keep it classy. i love this. japanese fans have accused american filmmakers of making the new godzilla fatter in the upcoming remake. [ lau

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >>> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everyone doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] let's start off with some good news. it's fleet week in new york, everybody. give it up for fleet week. [ cheers and applause ] and you know what fleet week means -- next week is penicillin week. [ laughter ] lana del ray will perform for kim kardashian and kanye west at their wedding this weekend in florence. apparently, the theme of their wedding is depression. [ laughter ] i bet she doesn't know how to sing the "chicken dance." [ laughter ] i'm going to guess. this is pretty cool. the director of the fbi said he may consider relaxing a policy that prevents the agency from hiring anyone who has smoked pot in the last three years. sounds like somebody's finally tried pot. [ laughter ] i think we're a little hasty in our opinions on pot. [ cheers and applause ] yet another vehicle recall. one day after recalling 2.4 million vehicles, gm has announced that it's recalling another 218,000 chevy

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? are we well? is everybody well? well, one person is not doing that well -- donald sterling. [ light laughter ] donald sterling is still in the news. last night, magic johnson told anderson cooper that he's still waiting for an apology from clippers owner donald sterling. sterling responded saying, "i'm very sorry you're black." [ laughter ] sincere. i think he was sincere. he doesn't know what are the right things to say. a little celebrity news. angelina jolie and brad pitt have asked their kids to help plan their wedding. saying it's going to be disney or paintball. one or the other. [ laughter ] which is the same answer they gave when asked what they would name their next kid. so the opposite of whatever the wedding is. paintball wedding, kid's name is disney. [ light laughter ] this is interesting. according to a new survey, 55% of americans think that they are smarter than the average american. said the averag

>> seth: no. i'm seth meyers. remember, nbc asked us to hang out? they want us to be friends. [ sighing ] [ laughter ] >> all right, let's go. let's go, funny boy. [ laughter ] ♪ so, this is, uh -- this is where you tape your prank show and put skits on youtube. >> seth: well, no. this is the -- set for my new talk show. >> it looks like you decided not to wear your bozo makeup, clown man. [ laughter ] i'm going to address the camera now. ♪ good evening. i'm lester holt, nbc news. [ laughter ] i don't appreciate jokes, goofs or spoofs. friendship is about respect, and you cannot respect a clown. thank you. [ laughter ] >> seth: for real? [ laughter ] ♪ so do you watch any shows or anything? are you excited about the next season of "mad men"? >> well, seth, what excites me is the news. breaking the news, reporting the news, being a mouthpiece of truth in a storm of madness and injustice. >> seth: cool. that's -- that's really awesome, man. >> what excites you? >> seth: um -- the same stuff? [ laughter ] >> liar. ♪ [ light laughter ] >> seth:

uh -- yeah, this is your boss seth meyers. i was hanging out in my office this morning just staring at my own weiner -- [ laughter ] when all of a sudden i got a great idea in my big, weird head. i think halfway through the desk piece today, you should just zoom in on my big honkin' schnoze. [ laughter ] anyway, i gotta go sniff a fart. i love you. [ beep ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: derek, i was mad before, but honestly now, i'm just hurt. [ laughter ] what's going on, man? we used to be buds. remember that vacation in denver? i took you to the rockies game. like, what happened to that kid i knew? >> honestly? i guess i just haven't really been feeling like myself lately. i mean, like, i just started high school, and it's like super weird. all my friends went to another school and i don't know anybody. it's all different. and -- kinda scary, you know? and actually -- never mind. >> seth: no, no. derek, what is it? >> no, it's embarrassing. >> seth: derek, i'm your uncle. you can tell me anything. what's wro

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] are we well? excellent. excellent news. but there's also some slightly scary news today. for the second time in three days, the white house has gone into lockdown after somebody threw an object over the fence. and finally today president obama took away joe biden's frisbee. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] because once it's a pattern, joe, i have to take away the frisbee. [ laughter ] so rob ford -- you guys maybe have heard about rob ford. [ cheers and applause ] rob ford is in rehab and earlier today he said that he got in trouble for making phone calls to journalists from rehab. well, i'm not sure how to tell you this, rob ford, but you were all ready in trouble. [ laughter ] [ applause ] from the crack. [ laughter ] making phone calls is not the worst thing you've ever done. the situation in ukraine continues and now nato is disputing russian president vladimir putin's claims that he

get freak nasty while watching "crate night" with seth meyers. >> seth: all right. you know what? we're gonna talk later. we'll be right back with mindy kaling! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ there are possibilities for people struggling with bipolar depression. ask your doctor about latuda, lurasidone hcl. in clinical studies, latuda has been shown to be effective for many people struggling with bipolar depression. latuda is not for everyone. call your doctor if you have unusual changes in mood, behaviors, or thoughts of suicide. antidepressants can increase these in children, teens, and young adults. elderly dementia patients taking latuda have an increased risk of death or stroke. call your doctor if you have fever, stiff muscles and confusion, as these may be signs of a life-threatening reaction or if you have uncontrollable muscle movements, as these may become permanent. high blood sugar has been reported with latuda and medicines like it, and in some cases extreme high blood sugar can lead to coma or death. other risks include decreases in white blood cells, which can be fatal

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? are we well? [ cheers ] cool. let's start with some good news. here's some good news. vladimir putin ordered all russian troops stationed near ukraine to be pulled back to their home bases. it's the first time putin has pulled back since that one time someone tried to hug him. [ laughter ] kanye west told an italian newspaper that he chose the city of florence as a wedding location because his daughter was conceived here among the renaissance masterpieces. that story again, kanye west is no longer allowed in museums. [ laughter and applause ] this is crazy. a man in phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at walmart on saturday. or as they call that in arizona, taking a selfie. [ laughter and applause ] not sure how to feel about this. two university students in england have launched a line of cocktail-themed lollipops that have the same alcohol content as a glass of wine. alcohol lollipops. "oh,

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >>> seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? are we well? [ cheers and applause ] is everyone well? great. well, this week is fleet week with over 1,500 sailors and servicemen and women visiting new york city. give it up for fleet week. [ cheers and applause ] fleet week, of course, is the one week every year that your drunk friend jenny accidentally sleeps with an ice-cream man. [ laughter ] "well, he was in the navy." "how do you know he was in the navy?" "he knew the navy song!" "what's the navy song?" ♪ da da da da da-da-da-da-da ♪ [ laughter ] "oh, i -- i think that was an ice-cream man." [ laughter ] "i don't know." "at the end of the night, did he get in a boat or a truck?" [ laughter ] that's right. it's fleet week when new york plays host to the crews of three u.s. navy ships and two coast guard clippers. but don't worry. the coast guard clippers are not owned by donald sterling. [ laughter and applause ] you don't have to worry. you don't have t

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] are you well? thank you so much for being here. let's open tonight with some happy news. you guys like happy news? [ cheers and applause ] we're going to have some happy news to start us off tonight. chelsea clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. [ cheers and applause ] great news. the baby is expected to crawl after 9 months and run in 2055. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that's expected. that's just what's expected. yesterday as i'm sure you know, was 4/20. april 20, 4/20. [ cheers ] and this weekend, over 37,000 people went to denver to participate in the fourth annual cannabis cup. [ light laughter ] and they all made memories that would last a few minutes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] for thhe next few minutes. the boston marathon was held today. [ cheers and applause ] this is a very sweet sorry. shortly after completing the marathon, a runner proposed to his girlfriend. he proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line. [ audience aws ]

stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- hugh jackman kevin nealon

. >> joel mchale and jimmy kimmel and seth meyers, they have to sit next to the first lady. she has to do that as well. you are exactly right, michael. two hours before they are sitting there. they are going through notes and scratching things off. they are probably writing jokes about the audience. >> if the harshest critics is fair, it is from the president obama. the man has a gift. watch this. >> no one is happier or prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than the donald. that is because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter like did we fake the moon landing. what really happened in roswell. and where are biggie and tupac. >> you know, i don't know if you know this, michael, the powerful and elite don't like to laugh at themselves. that is the weakness. he needed to laugh at himself. the fact that trump got mad and the president of the united states is saying your name, you should be very happy about that. >> you see his numbers are still in the dumper. >> the president's or trump's? >> both. >> 39%. terrible. nothing that can be sai

stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. hope to see you next week. bye-bye. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- sofia vergara. natalie dormer.

stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thanks for watching, have a a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- kiefer sutherland, rose byrne,

meyers." thank you for watching, have a a great weekend. hope to see you next week. buh-bye everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight, will forte, cooking with michael symon,

they are doing -- the best. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thanks you for watching, have a a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. buh-bye, guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- anna wintour and sarah jessica parker. rich eisen.

and jimmy fallon and craig ferguson and seth meyers and carrot top. i kind of know them and they were very gracious to give me pointers on what the evening is like. speakingem, without together, they also the same thing. it is the strangest, most wonderful evening. like no other gig you will ever do. it is exhilarating and you were there with the president. there is no other gig in history where before you perform, zero break between you and the president. you are sitting with the first lady for two hours. it is crazy. >> have you gone back and watched some of those? >> i have seen all of them before and i did watch them. there's only so much you can do before you do it. the lay of the land, see what the room looks like. grasp of hownite the night goes, definitely. from there, you'd better have funny jokes. they better be good. >> our entire conversation with joel mchale is available on our facebook page. we put up a number of photos, including photos from that interview, photos from tonight, photos of our prep for the evening. your comments are welco

you've had conan o'brien, seth meyers. i don't think they're going to be rude to him but last year, conan o'brien started slow, hit his spritride and then killed himself. it might be challenging for mchale. >> one of the things that makes this particular gig so difficult, besides, ochk, following the president, the acoustics of the room, that's not a room that's really conducive to getting a lot of laughs. is that correct?? >> it's a huge room. the you play a room like that -- i've had a few shows in the middle east where we've had two or three thousand people come out. this is a dinner event. i just performed at a political dinner event before i came here. it's not the same acoustics. the political people there, the elected officials, they become the celebrities. i did an event for 70 people a few months ago and you could see everyone's face. and on some level that's a little more pressure than not seeing anyone's faces. when nancy pelosi walked in, i watched her, if she laughing or not. if 50% laugh at a joke, that's a t

i've got to bring up the 2011 one when seth meyers was hosting when the president performed standup comedy the night before the bin laden raid. so to be able to do that, that year, the rest is easy, and the president always does very well. he times it really well, and we got to give credit to the people who write the president's jokes. they're really good writers. >> joel mchale was good. he definitely stepped up to the plate. what was your favorite moment? >> joel mchale is great. just be clear the standup comedi comedian, this is not a fun gig. it's not a great gig to prepare for. you're nerve-wracked sitting there for two hours next to the first lady, scratching jokes off, writing more jokes. the best moment was when he made fun of chris christie. i'm not a fan of the fat joke, it's too easy and done but i think we have a clip of it. could we role it? >> governor you want bridge jokes, half and size. i could go half and half. i know you like a combo platter. now i get that, i'm sorry for that joke, governor christie. i didn't know i was going to tell it but i take full responsibility fo