jimmy kimmel >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, jason statham. espn's jalen rose. "this week in unnecessary censorship." and music from brian wilson. with cleto and the cletones. and now, look over here, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. very kind of you. i have to tell you something. i wasted so much time today. it's amazing i was able to even get dressed for the show. i got a text this morning from will arnett. this is -- you may know him as lego batman. let's go to the big screen and i will show you the text. here we go. bring it up. this is from will. dude, it's arnett. as a parent you'll appreciate this. this is where i should have known something was up. you see the camera button next to where you type when you next? on my iphone. hold it down and slide your finger up to the other camera button that's going to come and up hold it then release. it's all these filters nobody knows about. so i do this. because it's

jimmy kimmel promise. we'll be right back with jalen rose! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you're welcome. ugh...you're the valet? yea, sorta the valet. both drive for a living, both like to save money on car insurance, and we both know you may not get this car back in the same condition. watch your toes. wo! ya boy... get it! sorta you isn't you. with drivesense from esurance, you can earn a personalized discount based on how you drive, not how someone sorta like you drives. you'll even get a discount just for signing up. esurance. backed by allstate. click or call. transferred money from his bank of america savings account to his merrill edge retirement account. before he opened his first hot chocolate stand calling winter an "underserved season". and before he quit his friend's leaf-raking business for "not offering a 401k." larry knew the importance of preparing for retirement. that's why when the time came he counted on merrill edge to streamline his investing and help him plan for the road ahead. tha

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you guys? everybody all right? very exciting. thank you very much. welcome to the beautiful long center. we are on the road tonight. thank you. that's very nice. goodnight, everybody. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. i really appreciate that. that's very nice, and oh, i'm going to say, how about this. gary clark jr. is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for joining us. thanks to all of you. we really appreciate, thank you for lining up to get in here. and happy st. patrick's day, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] finally, an excuse for people here in austin to drink. today is st. patrick's day. and tomorrow is throw up in the little trash bin in your hotel room day. we have a cherished st. patrick's day tradition on our show, no matter where we are. i don't know how many years in a row we've observed this one. but the video you're about to see dates back to 2006. it happened about 600 mil

and now, after all is said and done, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: it's a little over the top. thanks to all of you for coming. i am the host of the show, my name is bobby. just kidding, it's jimmy, april fools, i got you guys. you should have seen the look on your face when i said bobby. today's april fools' day. a day on which we give pranks. april fools day is observed all around the world, not just here. canada, europe, australia, brazil. did you know that brazilian wax women get? that was a prank. that started on april fools. in indiana, state legislators played a hilarious april fools prank on gays and lesbians. they convinced them they'd passed a law that would let businesses discriminate against them. got you again. oh, what won't those gays fall for next? we have a very crazy show for you tonight. rihanna is here. she has a new -- [ cheers and applause ] a song, we've not heard it, the song called "bitch better have my money." a song about a bitch in whose best interest it would be to have rihanna's mone

>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. we have such a big show for you tonight. you're not even going to believe it. so many stars are here tonight. but first, we're going to play a simple game of telephone to get things going, okay? here we go. the avengers are on the show tonight. >> okay. [ whispers ] [ whispers ] >> i have a rash -- >> oh, gosh. i don't want to see that. oh! [ whispers ] [ laughter ] >> i have a rash -- >> the diaphragm jelly is in my glove box? [ laughter ] >> how'd we do? >> jimmy: very bad. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live: the avengers assembled." tonight -- the cast of "marvel's avengers: age of ultron." with robert downey jr. chris hemsworth. mark ruffalo. chris evans. scarlett johansson. and jeremy renner. plus music from the war on drugs. with cleto and the cletones. and now, by odin's beard, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming to see what will be a -- [ cheers and applause ] a sup

>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- courteney cox cooking with steve martorano and music from alabama shakes with cleto and the cletones and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ >>> thank you for watching. you know, we have a lot to get to. i want to show you something i saw on instagram this afternoon. a rare and beautiful thing, a quadruple rainbow. look at that. one, two, three, four rainbows in an apparently undoctored photograph. they were seen -- i guess they were seen by all seven of the people who looked up from their phones today. by the way, there was a quadruple rainbow. that's the only picture i've seen. we've looked all over thepyykyks 1748 if monarchs were born in a month that bed weather could ruin the celebrations. they'd have the official celebration in june instead. no wonder she's so old. all i can think of is poor prince charles. oh, great, another birthday for mom. i guess i'll wait until she turns 108 to be king. you know, you can send the queen a gift. i got her a bunch of dead birds for her h

and now more than ever, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming. thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a five star show for you tonight. jamie foxx is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he has a new album coming out. it's his first album in five years. he's going to reveal the title on our show tonight. the title has been a secret so far. i don't know what it is but i predict and this is my prediction, the title of the album will be bumpin'. sounds good, right? [ applause ] also with us on the show the great betty white is here. [ cheers and applause ] wouldn't it be a wonderful thing if jamie foxx and betty white fell in love tonight on the show? the white foxx the tabloids are calling it. after a week off we had a new episode of "scandal." any of you dream of "scandal?" i do. i have had strange dreams. this was bizarre. so i'm at a bar in the dream and i order my usual, pee da with three umbrellas. and then i hear a voice and it's jeff perry looking very

good night jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. we have such a big show for you tonight. you are not going to believe it. so many stars are here tonight. but first, we're going to play a game of telephone. tonight, we have the avengers on the show. >> i have a rash. >> oh, gosh. i don't want to see that. >> i have a rash -- >> the diaphram jelly is in my glove box. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live: the avengers assembled." tonight -- the cast of "marvel's avengers: age of ultron." with robert downey jr. chris hemsworth. mark ruffalo. chris evans. scarlett johansson. and jeremy renner. plus music from the war on drugs. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >>. >> jimmy: thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] let me tell you something, it's not the dirty super heros that stand outside of the theater on our street. tonight we have the ones in the magazines, the good looking ones. the cast of "the avengers: age of

and now,here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i'm glad you feel that way, because we have a very good show for you tonight, our send night of music from the newly reunited van halen. [cheers and applause] we had an incident last night. we shut down the whole street for van halen's first ever live televised performance with david lee roth. and this is something that we've been working on for months. it's a major operation to close the whole block down. 6,000 people showed up. for blocks, people were out there for hours, people came in from other countries just to see them. and not one minute after they got on stage, something immediately went wrong. david lee roth was twirling this pole, a mettal pole. i don't know what it was. it was happening so fast. there's david spinning this thing like a baton. and you can see here in a second, in slow motion, it hits him in the nose, right there. >> oh! >> jimmy: he actually clips his nose and moves the nose. the world of baton twirl

up next, >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- cobie smulders barbecue chef, aaron franklin and music from chic featuring nile rodgers with cleto and the cletones and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. thanks to all of you for coming. hey, have we all decided who we're going to vote for for president yet? you know you only have 574 days to figure it out. the election will happen in november of 2016 is on. in miami yesterday, a senator from florida, marco rubio, announced that he is throwing his hat in the ring. >> now the time has come for our generation to lead the way towards a new american century. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i like that. he is so committed to conserving water he drinks from a tiny little cup. either that or he's a giant. that's rubio. he's the third republican to announce his candidacy. joins said cruise and rand paul. and hillary, things are getting pretty darn exciting there. >> right here, right behind the camera, there she goes. okay. they're going around

>> dicky: from hollywood it is "jimmy kimmel live." from scandal, guillermo diaz and kevin james plus music from earth, wind and fire in eaching chicago. with cleto and the cletones and now, as always, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome, welcome, welcome. very nice. thank you very much. hi there. welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you all for coming. glad you are here. [ cheers and applause ] i will tell you something, we had a fun day today. today's take your sons and daughters to work day, also known as no work gets done day. it used to be called -- it used to be called take your daughter to work day but then i think a bunch of boys hired gloria allred to sue their parents and now the sons come too. it is a great opportunity to teach your kids why you come home miserable every night. guillermo brought his son benji in to work tonight. [ cheers and applause ] hey, benji. >> guillermo: say hi. >> jimmy: how are you doing. >> guillermo: say hi. no mustache yet, huh? benji, are you having f

>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- tim mcgraw and from "the middle", patricia heaton with cleto and the cletones and now, by the way, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. i am very grateful. we have so more important things to get to tonight. first, i want to talk about something that might be the most important movement we will ever be a part of. this is something we launched last night. it's big. i call it the finger of shame. i had a high school teacher -- who is the high school teacher that did that to us? used to point at us when we would misbehave. we would stop. now that i'm an adult, kind of, i'm ready to start fingering people myself. i would like you to join me. there's so much rude behavior that goes on everywhere. all day we see it. i thought it might help people if we became more aware of this. last night, i asked people to take photographs of people doing inconsiderate things in public with your finger in the

>> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, john stamos -- from "fantastic four", michael b. jordan -- and music from matt and kim with cleto and the cletones -- and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. i want to wish -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'd like to wish those who celebrated a happy 4/20 today on april 20th, which is today, marijuana smokers around the world smoke even more marijuana than they usually do for reasons that are not entirely known. the legend is a small group of stoners in northern california came up with this in 1990. they gathered to smoke at 4:20 p.m. on 4/20. supposedly they picked the number because it was the local police code for marijuana smoking in progress but it wasn't the local police code for marijuana smoking or for anything for that matter. but if you think about it is perfect. no one can remember what started the holiday of smoking pot but it is a festive occasion. gets more popular ever year. last night, revelers gathered in times

and now, might i add, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. thanks to all of you for coming. very nice. i'm curious because i know a lot of people here on vacation and what not. how many of you watched diane sawyer's interview with bruce jenner on friday night. [ applause ] ? i did too. i watched it live and the next morning to soak it up. i think he came off very well. he went from being a boring man to a very charming woman. right? i think we might have found our next bachelorette. the interview got huge rate. 17 million people tuned in to watch and it did not disappointment. i have to say the most shocking part of the interviewer for me is when bruce told diane there was only one full-length mirror in the kardashian house. i find that impossible to believe. bruce also said that so far kim has been the most accepting of the kardashians and the easiest to talk to. he said kim credited kanye west, her husband, with helping to understand how important

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: before we get started, i need to ask you something. for the next hour, when you say you are relying on me to host the show? in a way you are depending on me? would you mind saying it aloud, please, say jimmy, we're depending on you. >> we are depending on you. >> i can claim you as dependents. it's a big refund for me and little known fact the irs has specifically selected april 15th as the day. they knew it was going to likely be a beautiful spring day and they wanted to ruin it for us. canada they get until april 30th to file their taxes. they are laughing their canadian asses off. i read a study that said traffic fatalities go up 6% on tax day, presumably because people are rushing to the tax office and doing their taxes while they drive. if you are just realizing it is tax day, don't worry about it. the irs is pretty cool about this stuff. just tell them you spaced. it will be fine. only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund.

this year's theme aes's faith and freedom. >>> and "jimmy kimmel" live next. "action news" continues at 4:30 with pamela edwards, matt o'donnell meteorologist david murphy and karen rogers. for cecily tynan, ducis rodgers, the entire "action news" team, i'm jim gardner. good night. ♪♪ >>> "action news" is sponsored in part by -- >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- cobie smulders barbecue chef, aaron franklin and music from chic featuring nile rodgers with cleto and the cletones and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪

and now, most likely, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thank you fare watching. thank you everybody for coming. we have a lot to get to tonight. it's a national show, an international show. every once in a while we have to think locally and tonight is one of those nights. the end of march, it's almost april, well into 2015. and yet there's a house not far from here. this house still has a lot of christmas deck races up. not just the lights. look at this. this is the house. very fistive. yoda, very traditional. today is march 25th. march 25th, christmas was three months ago. baby jesus is all grown up, he has his own apartment he lives in with his friends. if it's three months after christmas and you still have a reindeer on your lawn you'd better be dead in that house. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so we tracked down the next-door neighbor of the person who owns the house. joining us now, let's go to the wall of america to welcome liz. [ cheers and applause ] hi, liz. thank you for talking to us. ho

leon: jimmy kimmel live is next. >> dicky: from austin, texas -- it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- kevin hart, brad paisley matthew mcconaughey and tomi fujiyama with cleto and the cletones. and now, word back y'all, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's very nice.

and now, after all, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching, thank you for coming. welcome to hollywood. this is a very big week for us here. tomorrow night on our show we get a visit from president obama which means that -- [ cheers and applause ] which means you just missed having to get a cavity search to get in here tonight. guillermo, have you been working alongside the secret service to make sure everything is secure for the president's visit? >> guillermo: we're all good to go. >> jimmy: what have you guys been doing, what is the procedure so far? >> guillermo: we've been checking the doors, the exits and everything. >> jimmy: very good. we've got our top guy on this. by the way we have a great show for you tonight. liam neeson is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "run all night." you never would have guessed ten years ago but he's become quite an action movie star. if only he'd had all these weapons skills back when he was schindler. [ laughter ] he could have

and now, word back y'all, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's very nice. howdy, austin. thank you. thank you. welcome to the beautiful long center, centrally located in the weird and wonderful city of austin, texas. [ cheers and applause ] i'm happy to be here. we are here for a whole week because that's how long it takes to get to the front of the line at franklin's barbecue. i told you i would come back and i did. i have returned, like general patton. [ cheers and applause ] i promised. that while we were here, no brisket will go unsmoked, no queso will go undipped, no single horn will go unhooked while we are here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we got here friday night. so far, i have eaten at pearla's, jeffrey's, ola may, 3:00 a.m. pizza from home slice. [ cheers and applause ] cheeseburger from holy cow. and a shea z banana cream pie for lunch. so i am -- there is no chance i survive the week. the food is so good here. if you've never been to austin the food is unbelievable. i've been doing a

jimmy kimmel live is next. ♪ >> dicky: from hollywood, it's “jimmy kimmel live”! tonight. jamie foxx. betty white. director j.j. abrams. plus a performance from jamie foxx featuring chris brown and kid ink. with cleto and the cletones. and now more than ever, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming. thank you for watching.

leon: jimmy kimmel live is next. >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, john stamos -- from "fantastic four", michael b. jordan -- and music from matt and kim with cleto and the cletones -- and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you.

and now, might i add, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice.

and now,here's jimmy kimmel! ♪

>>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- billy crystal, dave salmoni and animals, and music from modest mouse,rly here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. appreciate that. hi. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. it's very nice. we have a very good show for you tonight. billy crystal is here tonight. he's got a new show on fx called "the comedians" and dave salmoni is back tonight. he has dangerous animals to show you. he has cute ones too. dave brought a baby eagle owl with him. so if anyone has any baby eagle owl allergies. it is three in one, baby eagle owl that. is 5 million you tube views off alone. last time he was here he brought a cheetah. i told everyone this was a bad idea but no one listened to me. the interview went fine but once it was over the cheetah refused to leave the stage. it stayed there and terrorized me and the audience and the band and guillermo for a half hour, right? there is nothing we could do. the ba

leon: jimmy kimmel live is next. alison: have the volkswagen passat handles like a dream. go ahead... step on it. yeah? yeah! [passat engine roars] that turbo engine packs a punch, right? oh yeah. pinch me. okay... and on passat models you can get a $1,000 volkswagen credit bonus. one more time. pinch me. announcer: it's not a dream. it's the volkswagen stop dreaming, start driving event. stop dreaming, do it again. and test-drive one today. hurry in and you can get apr us a $1,000 volkswagen credit bonus on 2015 passat and jetta models. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- cobie smulders barbecue chef, aaron franklin and music from chic featuring nile rodgers with cleto and the cletones and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ >>>

and now, i reckon, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. howdy. how are you doing? thank you very much. thank you for joining us here at the long center in austin, texas. that's very nice of you. well, that is greatly appreciated. i don't want to leave either but i have to leave because if i stay any longer my body will turn into brisket. and i will have no choice but to eat myself. i really do have to go home. none of my clothes fit anymore. my socks are even tight. that's when you know. i had to buy a new suit. my head is so fat i had to put a hat on it. when we get back to l.a. i'm going directly to zumba without hesitation. i'm going to miss being here, i'm going to miss all of you, i really am. [ cheers and applause ] you know what i have to say? i kind of feel like you guys should stop having fun when we leave. i don't like the idea of it going on without me. but we're not done yet. we're closing things out tonight in a big texas way with the great and powerf

. >> "jimmy kimmel live" is next on channel 6 followed by "nightline". jimmys guests are jason stateam music from brian wilson and "action news" continues 4:30 with meteorologist david murphy and karen rogers with traffic. for meteorologist cecily tynan ducis rogers, jim gardner and the entire "action news" team i'm rick williams have a nice >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, jason statham. espn's jalen rose. "this week in unnecessary censorship." and music from brian wilson. with cleto and the cletones. and now, look over here, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

jimmy kimmel >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, jason statham. espn's jalen rose. "this week in unnecessary censorship." and music from brian wilson. with cleto and the cletones. and now, look over here, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

. >>> "jimmy kimmel live" next on channel 6 followed by night line. for the entire "action news" team, i'm jim gardner. have a good night. ♪♪ >> "action news" is sponsored in part by -- >>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- billy crystal, dave salmoni and animals and music from modest mouse,rly certain here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. appreciate that. hi.

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. i appreciate that. very kind. that's very nice. it's too much. thank you. well, that's very sweet of you, i do appreciate it. i'm going to tell you something. we've been here since, what, friday night we got here? i'll be honest, i don't know if i'm going to survive the week. [ laughter ] i'm dying. i've been eating too much, i've been drinking too much. last night was the night i was planning to rest. i was going to go to bed early so i could finish the week strong. instead, i went to willie nelson's ranch. [ cheers and applause ] not a place for relaxation. my cousin sal and i talked tony romo, who was our guest on the show last night -- [ cheers and applause ] -- into going to a charity event at willie's an hour away from here. we do the show, we get something to eat, god forbid i miss a meal here. we cram into my car. there's a group of guys and somehow tony and i wind up in the way back seat where you pu