stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) i was talking about jon, but all right. then i'll be sitting down with author and tv man anthony bourdain. ( cheers and applause ) he's fun. he's fun. he's grouchy, but fun. on his show, "parts unknown," he travels to faraway places to eat exotic delicacies, and i watch his show on my couch, eating fudge. ( laughter ) we're also going to enjoy the company of musician and actress carrie brownstein. ( cheers and applause ) that's right. i'll join in. she stars in the tv show "portlandia," so i assume she got here on a bicycle made out of recycled tubas. ( laughter ) ( band playing ) oh, you hear that? that is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) jon, i can tell by looking at her that you've got some special guest with the band tonight. please introduce us. >> jon: welcome, lianne le havas. >> stephen: you look lovely. you look absolutely lovely tonight. thank you so much for being here. she's going to sing a little bit later for

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. please, thanks so much. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. at least, tonight i am. this is our last show before we take a week off, and, for privacy reasons, i travel under an assumed name. here with you, i'm stephen colbert, television host. next week on vacation, i'll be copernicus digby, cobbler detective. "thank god you're here, digby. this man was beaten to death with a shoe." "t'wasn't a shoe, detective sergeant. t'was a boot." ( laughter ) "my god, how you can tell, digly?" "those lacerations on his forehead are clearly from a knurled heel cap, and that contusion on his trachea has to be from the toe box and outsole welt of a beaded vamp." "can you find the killer, dig bee?" "yes, sergeant detective. simply round up everyone in london who wears a size 9 and a half. you'll have your man. the game is a foot." ( cheers and applause ) that's going to take the place of "downton abbey" next year. so that

tephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody!whooo! whooo! thases that's nice. thank you so much. welcome to the late show, everybody. thank you, thank you everybody up there, thank you everybody down there. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you for beinghere tonight. a lot of excitement. a great show, welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. you know, running out here every night is so exhilarating that it almost feels like exercise. i hope you had a good weekend. some of you had a long weekend because today is columbus day. we don't have it off here. we don't have it off here. evidently cbs just doesn't care about celebrating the discovery of the capitol of ohio. (laughter) i think that's sad. of course i was brought up to celebrate columbus day the only way that really makes sense, mattress sales. (laughter) plus 60% off all bedding items. it's appropriate because columbus loved a good sale. (laughter) he did. (cheers and applause) that's true, no, it's tru

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, everybody. welcome to "the late show. of( cheers and applause ) hey, hey! thank you so much! please, thank you so much. so kind! welcome to "the late show." if the legends are true, i'm stephen colbert. and right off the bat, i'd like to apologize because the show's been on for almost 30 seconds and i have yet to say the words "donald trump." ( laughter ) that's on me. and what's gotten me worried is that soon i might not have a reason to because he's slumping in the polls. that was a roller coaster ride of emotion by the way. oooh-aaay"p"." listen, i want to be clear abouting this. yes, he has been divisive. yes, he has been offensive. yes, he would be a terrible president. ( cheers and applause ) but i do want to say this-- don't leave me, donald. don't you understand, if you go away, i'm going to have to talk about those other boring people. i'm going to have to learn their names. i think one of them is marco rubio. am i saying that right? is it marco rubio. or is it mark o'rubio? ( cheers an

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show." please sit down. thank you very much. welcome to the "late show". i am your host, stephen colbert. and this is your band, jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! i think y'all might be the band tonight. okay. i'm very excited. one of the nicest things about this show is to cover the election, and tonight, the second republican debate has already happened on cnn. i haven't watched it yet, in keeping with the proud american tradition of not watching cnn. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, if you've seen it, please, no spoilers! do not tell me which ethnic group donald trump insulted or how much the audience applauded. we've got a delicious show for you tonight. i hope you brought a bib because we've got kevin spacey. ( cheers and applause ) incredible. incredible. he's nominated for an emmy this weekend for his work on "house of cards" playing president frank underwood, who is an evil fi

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! good evening, good evening my friends. good evening, all of you. welcome. welcome. welcome! welcome to the "late show." welcome to the "late show." i'm the late stephen colbert. ( laughter ) it's our last show before halloween, so i dressed for the occasion. i am, obviously, a sexy teenage ( cheers and applause ) and i'm still a teenager because, as you can see, vampires never age. and one thing i learned as a vampire, if you're going to wear teeth like this, you should definitely do it in rehearsal as well. ( laughter ) because-- yes. yes! oh, yes! because unless i concentrate very hard, i sound like a vampire from barthalona. please, please, sit down. please, please. yeah, yeah. look at the beautiful architecture here in barcelona. let me suck your blood. you are staying in my hostel. also, also, vampires don't wear glasses. and i do. i get to show the smokey eye shadow here, this is very nice. of course, i'm a vampire because i've been a vampire every year since i was in first grad

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: hey, thanks so much, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) welcome-- thank you. eyes and teeth. thank you so much, everybody. welcome to "the late show." ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. that's my-- that's my leprechaun character. hello! hello! i'm stephen colbert. it's 11:35, which means the blinking clock on your oven will soon be right again. ( laughter ) thank you-- twice a day. thanks for joining us this tuesday. i'm sure many of you watched the first democratic presidential debate over on cnn. we tape this show early, so i have not watched it yet. i don't know what happened. but i do know cnn released where the candidates would be standing on the stage. hillary clinton was in the center. bernie sanders was onher right, making it the first time in history he's been to the right of anyone. ( cheers and applause ) then there are the three other candidates: governor martin o'malley, senator jim webb and governor lincoln chaffee. little-known fact about lincoln c

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thanks, everybody. whooo! welcome to the late show, thanks, everybody. welcome to the late show. i am stephen colbert. it is-- i got to say, it is great to be back. we're back from-- we took a week off. and i spent it doing what i truly love, eating anything. i grilled, i sauteed, i student. a maid a warm ginger bread cake smothered with a carmelized apple compote with a side of cinnamon whipped cream. really put me on the couch. and food like that is why they call this season fall, instead of stand. (laughter) but i'm ready for it. i'm ready for it and my pants, the pants-- (cheers and applause). >> stephen: the pants are feeling a little tight, a little tight. you could-- you could cut off one of my legs right now because these pants are built in tu rniquete. and i did all that eating last week and i'm gladz i did this before i read this little bit of news today. researchers at i'm going to say harvard, i don't know, harv

>> stephen: thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome, that's lovely. >> stephen: thanks, everybody. hey, welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. do you guys follow business? do you guys follow business news? you definitely should. it's where they keep all the money. and there's big news from the business world. it's news you might actually care about because it's nothing boring like real estate or the financial system. it's about something important: it's beer. ( cheers and applause ) international sign for tick-tick. anheiser-busch is trying to buy miller for $104 billion. yeah, yeah, you heard that right. that's billion, with an "illion." $104 billion? that's crazy. you can get a beer at yankee stadium for like half that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) approximately. a little more. personally, i'm excited about bud and miller getting together because that means i can finally stop pretending i can taste the difference. ( laughter ) but, again, this merger worries some people out there, b

>> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. that's very nice of you. that's entirely nice of you. thank you very much. welcome to "the late show." as you can tell by the name you have been chanting ui am stephen colbert. i hope you had a good day. it's a bit of a drizzly day here in new york, where the united nations general assembly is wrapping up their annual session and free parking festival. if you will what they were talking about in the general assembly, they committed to some really noble goals, one of which is to eradicate global poverty by the year 2030. it's something i personally believe in. ( cheers and applause ) i think it's possible. but i will admit, it sound a little less noble if you imagine it coming from a super villain. "if all goes according to plan, i shall rid the world of all poor people! oh, yes! there will be no one hungry when i'm done! yeah, yeah, yeah!" ( applause ) also, we have a show in this theater this evening. i hope you'll enjoy tonight's offerings. first, i'll be talking with oscar-winning actor morgan freeman. ( c

thank you. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. i think more people should get that when they walk into work. i'm your host, stephen colbert, and i am so happy to be joining you on this, my first friday show ever. ( cheers and applause ) this is it. for the last 18 years, i've worked only the first four days of the week, and then i celebrated by going to "t.g.i. thursday's." where will i go now? so, i'm going to make this a casual friday. i'm wearing a slightly less dressy tie and no underwear... ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. you're very kind. that-- that i know of. it's been a great week, and i have to say i've been touched by the outpouring of support from other late night shows. jimmy fallon sent over a photo booth so the staff could all have fun souvenirs of our first day. thank you, jimmy. of course, nobody could use it because we were all so busy, but the 200 photos of an empty stool tell a poignant story all their own. ( cheers and applause ) also, jimmy kimmel, he did a lovely thing. jimmy kimmel bought the w

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, everybody. ) but i do want to say this-- don't leave me, donald. don't you understand, if you go away, i'm going to have to talk about those other boring people. i'm going to have to learn their names. i think one of them is marco rubio. am i saying that right? is it marco rubio. or is it mark o'rubio? ( cheers and applause ) and for the record, i was just crossing two cultures. we have a great show for you tonight, faith and begorrah. first up, i'll be talking to john oliver. he's the host of hbo-- ( ) he's the host of "last week tonight" on hbo, so we'll be doing the interview with full frontal nudity. i want you to keep in mind, he is the lead character of that show and very popular so they're probably going to kill him off this season. i'll also be talking to evan spiegel, the world's youngest billionaire and the cofounder of snapchat. now, if some of you don't know what that is, ask your kids. it will be the app they're using when they ignore your

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thanks, everybody. welcome to the "late show"." wooo! ♪ ♪ >> stephen: thank you! please, everybody, please, sit down. thank you so much. welcome, welcome to "the late show" everybody. the rumors are true, i'm stephen colbert. as you know-- and it's hard to believe, it's already fall of 2015, and we're counting down until that major event that is every american's civic duty to take part in: the new "star wars" movie! ( cheers and applause ) last week, we were off, we weren't doing the so i couldn't talk about the brand new trailer. and this was not a ten-second slow-fade teaser, none of that b.s. this was a real trailer with actual chunks of movie flavor crystals in it! i was deeply moved. first of all, seeing the millenium falcon again gave me a combination of weeping and giggling that i call "geepling," which i believe is also the name of one of the new "star wars" character. and how great to see chewbacca reunited with han solo's grandfather. it was incredible. ( laughter ) some of you already kno

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, everybody. thank you so much! welcome to the late show. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the late show starring stephen colbert. i'm he. if you are tuning in for the very first time, let me catch you up with the show so far. i started hosting a few weeks ago. and you're all caught up. now, i don't know if you knew this... you probably knew this, jon, because are you an artist, you write your own lyrics. it's national poetry day. so i want to give a shout out to all fans of poetry out there everywhere, okay. and speaking of poetry, i also want to give major respect to the man from nantucket. all right? you keep up the good work, sir. i would have you on the show but i know you don't leave the house much. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. i will be talking to academy award-winning actress cate blanchette. ( cheers and applause ) lovely. she stars in the new movie "truth," where she plays a cbs employee who gets fired and we might talk about so

, you are stephen colbert. >> stephen: yes! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes! that was the answer i was looking for! whoo! well, there it is. i am being honest about who i am. i just have no honest idea of who me is. back to you, stephen. whoever you are. >> stephen: thanks, steve. i couldn't have said it better myself. back with primaballerina misty copeland. she can rage, and roar, and crack, and storm. but mother nature can't stop us. the new 2016 ford explorer. be unstoppable. ♪ you can't breathed. through your nose. suddenly, you're a mouthbreather. well, just put on a breathe right strip which instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than cold medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. breathe right nothing like a good, quick meal to bring two people together. campbell's skillet sauces. ready in under 20 minutes. campbell's. made for real, real life. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back! my next guest made history this year when she became the first african-american principal ba

stanley. >> stefer en. >> stephen: stanley. >> please, stephen, thank you. >> stephen: stanley tucci. oh! stanley. stanley, i didn't even know you were on my show tonight. >> i'm not. i'm not. i was just walking down broadway-- . >> stephen: old broadway. >> the great white way and i-- my tucci-sense started tingling as it-- . >> stephen: yes. ha! >> as it does whenever somebody in personnability-- impersonates the character i play, caeser flickerman. >> stephen: stanley, please, for legal reasons i don't know who cease ar flickerman. is obviously the character i'm doing is his brother julius flickerman. >> oh. look, stephen, yeah, i-- . >> stephen: stanley, st stanley, you smell scrumptious. >> thank you, thank you. i understand that are you having fun here but caeser for me is a nuanced role, he is a larger-than-life tv host who's hungry for the adulation of the crowd and whose effervescence masks his true vulnerability. (laughter). >> stephen: i don't know what you are talking about. >> caeser flickerman is the role that i'm proudest of, second only to my performance of spotlight.

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's nice. thank you so much. do you feel it >> jon: i feel it >> stephen: you are a beautiful crowd. thank you so much. you people, you make us happy to come back every night. thank you so much. absolutely serious. did you guys watch the debate on cnbc last night? yeah, yeah, yeah, i'm so sorry. now i did watch it. and in some ways it was impressive. it managed to thread the needle between confusing and boring. but if i'm going to talk about the debate, it's now or never. though never is attempting option. okay, and i blame the moderators because it started on the very first question. >> this is an open question. this series of debates is essentially a job interview with the american people. and in any job interview, you know this, you get asked what is your biggest weakness. so in 30 seconds, what is your biggest weakness, and what are you doing to address it. >> stephen: yes, they opened with the one question that no one in

thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: hey, that's nice, thanks everybody. wow, that is such a-- you guys have beautiful voices-- ( cheers ) i would love to hear you folks singing like simon & garfunkel. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. and here's my guarantee-- if i don't deliver tonight's show in one hour or less, it's free! thank you for joining us in here, out there, all over the world. it's so important you are here tonight because i need your support. i just found out something that rocked me to my core. today, for the first time, mcdonald's began serving breakfast all day long. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) i hope you're with a loved one right now. i learned this alone. it's the sort of news that changes a man. see, i do a late-night comedy show. the only reason i ever got up before 10:30 was to make it to the macdonald's breakfast deadline. i had to get there before 10:30 to get my meat and my cheese on a muffin because if i didn't make it in time, what th

stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: have a good show, you guys. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: hey! welcome to the late show with stephen colbert. thank you very much, everybody. that's very nice. whooo! thanks so much, everybody. welcome to the late show. man, you just jumped out of your seat like you've been trained to. thank you so much! welcome to the late show with stephen colbert. you're looking at him. and before we get started tonight, we got a lot to do. but i want to start out with a quick public service announcement, we are as of now 011:35 day light standard time, two days away from halloween. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: only two, only two. we are h-day mine us two, all hallows eve-eve-eve. and if you have not, i was going to say if you have not chosen a costume by now ef resected that goes by without making a decision means you are that much closer to being that guy at the party trying to pass off your shower cap and-- shower cap and bath robe as a costume. that is not a costume. that is unemployed. so part of my public service, court ordered publ

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: very nice. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show"" everybody. thank you so much. welcome to "the late show" everybody. i'm stephen colbert. it is lovely to be with human beings tonight because as much as we spend our lives on the computers and the phones, i'm not sure they're really our friends. ( laughter ) because there is alarming news out of silicon valley today. google's parent company has dropped its famous motto, "don't be evil." gone. ining that chilling. it's disturbing enough when someone decides publicly they have to remind themselves not to be evil. but i think it's even more disturbing they publicly decide they don't need to do that anymore. it's like moses dropping down to nine commandments. i'm not saying which one we're dropping. let's just say thy neighbor's wife is looking pretty good to me. ( cheers and applause ) that's why, just to save the human race, tonight i am calling on everyone to abandon computer technology in all its forms

. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, god forbid. >> stephen: wow, if i didn't have a show, i would come to your funeral. >> thank you, very sweet. >> stephen: but i just started the show. one thing we do compete about is we're both foodies. >> we don't compete in general. i don't like the word "foodie "by the way. >> stephen: i don't like it, either. >> glutton is the word i like to use. i like to cook. i enjoy it. >> stephen: i find it relaxing. >> me, too, i love it. stephen: one thing is one thing at the beginning of the process and it's totally different at the end. i like the transformation. >> it's because for a living we do-- let's be honest-- nothing. like when we're done with this show -- >> it's gone. >> we've made nothing, we've done nothing, people laugh and went home and don't even think about it again. >> stephen: i cannot remember-- can you remember what happened on the show a week ago? >> i cannot remember what happened last night on my show. i really-- i have-- i think i'm supposed to be hosting