we'll be right back. [ laughter ] colbert is next. colbert is next. our next n,,,,,, 're a bow and arrow ♪ colbert is next. our next n,,,,,, ♪ a broken guitar ♪ while the rainwater washes away ♪ ♪ who you are ♪ we go over the mountains ♪ and under the stars ♪ we go over the mountains ♪ and under the stars [♪] colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorr morning at 4-30. >> the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> our next newscast at 4:30. you will want to tune in. it will be a wet one. so watch yourself. we'll see you then. >> stephen colbert! >> stephen: wooo! wooo! yeah. hey! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, jon. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, friends. thank you, citizens. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the

when colbert late guy, i said this. >> colbert made a living ef he exclusively sat rising the right and he has plenty of material but that won't be enough to beat fallon and kim el who are sharp and well-produced. remember he alienated 40% of the country who define themselves as conservative. >> so what do you think, david? he is not doing that well in the ratings. it is consistent he is around 2 2,250,000 viewers. we did 4.5 million here. you think colbert's left wing bent hurts him? >> you know bill the thing that most disappointed me about colbert, i thought colbert will wo would have a much greater impact on the political talk of this country, and political figures of late night tv. i thought he would steal some of the thunder from late night tv cable. that didn't happen. that has to be a disappointment. he is in second between jimmy fallon who is solidly in first place and jimmy kimmel who is in some ways nipping at his heels, at least in november. that's got to worry cbs a little bit. i mean we're four months into this now. so the ratings are not great. >> he started off -- he los

. >> and stephen colbert is ready for the iowa caucuses. >> i have election fever. i think that's what it is. every time i think about the candidates, i get a little queasy. >> stephen colbert says all of the presidential candidates may >> tonight at 11:00, a new years's resolution you may not have expected. an annual spike in divorce filings. every january, mike holfeld change those trends, at 11:00. >> and after the news at 11:00, stay tuned for "the late show with stephen colbert". >> stephen colbert says all the candidates may want to copy bernie sanders' ad. >> that is a blatant attempt to manipulate our emotions. and it worked. senator sanders is looking to mobilize a new generation of voters and nothing says youth vote like a song from 1965. paul simon has a huge catalog of immortal songs. candidate. everyone would love to see governor chris christie put out an ad with "bridge over troubled waters." martin o'malley is not getting a lot of news coverage these days, maybe "the sound of silence" would be fitting. 2%, so probably "homeward bound." and donald trum

america, all the ships at sea, i am stephen colbert. and tonight we are coming to you live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city! (cheers and applause) jimmy, can we get a "live" graphic in the corner? throughthere you go! live! there are only two ways to get one of those: a live talk show, or a high-speed police chase. (laughter) i'm saving that for sweeps. this "live" graphic is a sacred trust that means that what you are seeing is happening right now. no matter when you watch it. if you're watching this on your d.v.r. at 3:00 a.m. next wake me up and make me do it all over again. in fact, here, i'll prove that we're live at 11:35 p.m. look: i'm actually tired right now. (cheers and applause) hey! most nights we do the show 5:30, something like that. then i go home and pop a fist full of ambien. i'm out by 11:15, and then when i wake up i check the police blotter to see what i did. it is now 11:37, which i can prove that too, by holding up. this minute's "new york times." top story "stephen colbert holds thank you, shoe shine,

colbert is next. colbert is next. our next newscast is,,,,,,,, we need to be ready for whatever weather may come our way. my name's scott strenfel and i'm a meteorologist at pg&e.,,, we make sure that our crews as well as our customers are prepared to how weather may impact their energy. so every single day we're monitoring the weather, and when storm events arise our forecast get crews out ahead of the storm to minimize any outages. during storm season we want our customers to be ready and stay safe. learn how you can be prepared at pge.com/beprepared. together, we're building a better california. tomorrow morning at 4-30. >>> late show with steven cool -- colbert is next. >> next newscast at 4:30. captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) stephen colbert, y'all! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! shay! (cheers and applause) thank you, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey, welcome to the late show

welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." i'm stephen colbert. i gotta say there's nothing more heartwarming than the sound of a mindless mob chanting your name. it is an honor to be here before you tonight. tonight's show... one imagines. because all i can really think about is tomorrow's record $1.5 billion powerball drawing. ( cheers and applause ) that's a lot of money. that's a lot of money. now, i know i didn't win over the weekend, but that just means i'm due, okay. last week, when the jackpot was i played and i lost so this time i did what any sane person would do-- the exact same thing again, expecting different results. so-- and this is true, i got my roto ticket right here, all right. ( cheers and applause ) smells lucky. and this time tomorrow, you'll be looking at a billionaire-- actually, you'll be looking at a rerun, because i will be in the caribbean snorting lines of ground-up panda off richard i like my odds. i think that's what billionaires do. i'm not entirely sure. i like my odds on this one which experts say-- this is true--

the late show with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorr, ,, my name is griselda zendejas. i love working in the salinas area because i always wanted to do something where i could help people around me. so being a construction supervisor for pg&e gives me the opportunity to give a little bit back to my community. i have three boys. they're what keep me going every day. our friends, families live in the area. and it is important for all of us that we keep our community safe. together, we're building a better california. it took joel silverman years to become a master dog trainer. but only a few commands to master depositing checks at chase atms. technology designed for you. so you can easily master the way you bank. >>> late show with stephen colbert is next. see you tomorrow at 4:30 a.m. >> stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: oh, t

(cheers and applause) >> announcer: welcome to the colbert! (cheers and applause) ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) welcome to "the late show," everybody! and i mean that! (audience chanting stephen) (cheers and applause) in there, out there, all around the world! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you! thank you! thanks, everybody! please! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show." mr. and mrs. america, all the ships at sea, i am stephen colbert. and tonight we are coming to you live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city! (cheers and applause) jimmy, can we get a "live" graphic in the corner? through there you go! live! there are only two ways to get one of those: a live talk show, or a high-speed police chase. (laughter) i'm saving that for sweeps. this "live" graphic is a sacred trust that means that what you now. no matter when you watch it. if you're watching this on your d.v.r. at 3:00 a.m. next monday-- they're going to come wake me

welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." i'm stephen colbert. i gotta say there's

after the news, "the late show with stephen colbert" >> colbert says sarah palin a recent endorsement of donald trump has him partying like it's >> he doesn't get his power, his high off of opium. other people's money. >> i just wish she could endorse every candidate. because i think it would sound something like this. first, let me just tase the part of my brain that understands sentence structure. greetings and welcome to all across americans. you go-getters and to tappers, you motor city madmen, i'm here to support the president for the united states, the tortoise jeb you say to yourself the media, and you know they do. and don't get me started on old barry obama, secretary of hiding e-mails. i'm here to support the next president of the united states hillary clinton. she's been the first lady and the last time i checked the constitution first is no. 1 or did they change that in the textbooks? >> he was great last night. >> that was awesome. >> tonight, colbert welcomes christian slater and iggy pop. 6. in 1934, steak 'n shake decided the world didn't need another hamburger. it nee

and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! before we really get into couple of things i need to get off my chest -- aside from a fair amount of phlegm. (laughter) i am not only sick, i'm also heart sick, because it has been a hard week of losing iconic british artists. david bowie's death shocked us on monday, didn't it? alan rickman died made me cry. i'm not entirely sure why, but snape, the unlikely heartbroken hero of the "harry potter" stories. but he was also great in "galaxy," "quest," "die hard," "love actually," "truly madly. deeply," "sense and sensibilty." he played so many characters who we the audience could see lived on the threshold of letting those around him know how he felt, the ways that he was hurt and couldn't reveal. that's a rare and beautiful gift to share with an audience, and the world is poorer for his loss. and in a completely different vein, i'm still upset about a sandwich i got last week. (laughter) those of you who saw last tackled the issue of

colbert is coming up next. >> stephen colbert! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert"! that's nice. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that is crisp. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) that's lovely. thank you so much. the world, you guys. welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." thanks so much, everybody. thanks so much. man, that is-- the audience-- you guys are as crisp as a celery stalk tonight, thank you. that's why we keep it so cold in here. to keep you fresh. ( laughter ) welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. and i am so excited about this huge science news that was just announced today. i was talking to these guys about it today. nasa has grown a flower in space. isn't that nice? for the first time finally, there's something beautiful up friend of the show scott kelly made the announcement, and here it is. it's a lovely zinnia with 13 petals. that's one small step for man, one giant leap back

". >> colbert says jeb bush has a plan to turn around his image. >> i think the man just came up with a game-changing strategy to connect with voters. >> jeb bush says he sees himself as a joyful tortoise, what he told a teenager on a campaign trail yesterday. the republican presidential candidate gave the boy a toy around in his pocket. >> which has led some to ask, "is that a toy turtle in your pocket or are you just really bad at running for president?" now jeb says the turtles are a symbol, a reminder that slow and steady wins the race. which makes him the tortoise and i think we all know who the hare is. this is not addressed to central question about these turtles. what? >> you have a pocket full of turtles? >> i do have a bunch of turtles. let's see what we have here. i got the little baby jesus and the rosary beads and three turtles. >> wait. ah, the little baby jesus in your pocket? should he be in there? are you using your pants as a nativity scene, sir? are those the three wise turtles? he's got the slow and steady, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. >> tonight, colbert welcomes jane ly

the news, it's "the late show with stephen colbert" >> where the iowa caucus is fast approaching, colbert says donald trump is trying to sabotage rival ted cruz. >> he went on the attack by exposing a dark secret from >> he was born in canada. >> that's right. only natural born citizens can be president and cruz was born in canada. that, of course, is the sound of canada's national bird, the loon. if you knew that, you're not qualified to be president of the united states. >> this is not the first time the natural born citizen issue has coming up in an election. in 2008 one candidate's unusual possiblily unamerican origins had a lot of people suspicious, john mccain. senator mccain was born in panama on the u.s. military base but that was cleared up when his senate candidates stepped in and including president obama stepped in and declared him a natural born citizen. but cruz has been described by his own party as a jackass, the candidate no other candidates can stand. i'm sure his fellow republican senators will rally around him like they did john mccain. right mitch mcconnell? >> i don'

. >> after news 6 at 11:00, stay tuned for "the late show with stephen colbert" >> colbert says democratic presidential candidate bernie sanders just revealed a startling secret. never have i worn a tuxedo. >> that's right. never has bernie sanders worn a tuxedo, ever. possibly because they don't make tuxedos in rumpled tweed. even at his own wedding, he wore a blue suit with a red tie. he looks like he's running for president of his own marriage. but he secretly wants to share with the american people that he never got to go to prom. he would have worn a tuxedo if he had been to prom. this explains everything. who is more obsessed with inequality than an unpopular high school student. >> 90% of the dates of this school are going to 1% of the basketball team. >> to get bernie into a tux and give him the closure he needs from high school, we have to ask bernie sanders to the prom. to that end, i've created this for you to photo-shop yourself into of you on a prom date with senator sanders. the theme of the prom, of course, enchantment under our unfair financial system. >> and many viewers h

why colbert says they're all wrong. that's coming up in minutes. >> remember, news 6 is always on clickorlando.com, your >> and after 11:00 comes "the late show with stephen colbert". >> we're discussing victims of gun violence, he was brought to tears. it was a deeply moving sight but some people are criticizing it because it is unusual to see a president cry. remember, f.d.r. was roundly criticized for this fireside chat. >> the only thing we have to fear is fear itself! but then again, fear is so scary scary, oh, what's the use? hitler's going to kill us all! we're doomed! >> people generally only remember the first part of that quote. i think on the issue of guns, someone should show some emotion. because every time there's a mass shooting, opponents of gun control say we shouldn't take action while we're emotional. we have to wait until we've had the proper time to grieve. now grieving means going through the five stages. denial. anger. depression and acceptance. we're really good at the denial part. you know how m

welcome to cbs' "the late show" with, starring stephen colbert." i am stephen colbert. thank you for watching tonight. it means so much that you decided to spend your last few hours alive with me because as we speak a massive winter storm is bearing down on the east coast and it is threatening full city shutdowns, deadly commutes, and an 80% chance of attack by white walkers. it's coming. everyone is predicting a monster storm-- so hold your loved ones close, because you may need to cut them open and crawl inside for warmth. ( laughter ) if they love you, they'll be fine with it. and there's a terrifying name jonas. so it's going to hit with the reckless intensity of a child star going through puberty. ( laughter ) >> jon: hey, hey. it is. >> stephen: it's super cute at the same time. listen, you still have time to prepare. i'm going to give you a few tips, okay. first essentials. at this point, all the water and canned goods have been stripped from the supermarket shelves, soe vanilla extract. ( laughter ) it's got a lot more alcohol than you think.rm. you'll get hamme

welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." i'm stephen colbert. and i love you. ( cheers and applause ) as you know-- there's a lot of love in the room tonight. a lot of love in the room. keep your hankies handy. as you know, i take my job as a late night host very seriously. i come out here and have fun, ha-ha, but i believe it's my duty to look out for every single per which reminds me-- carly, he's not right for you. ( laughter ) dump him and finish your m.f.a. it's your dream. vernon, go with the vinyl fencing. wood rots, and you end up spending just as much replacing it. prince abakutar, your ninth wife is a deceiver. accuse her before the elders as a sorceress. trust me. share with everybody here tonight, because updated something called the doomsday clock. it's a symbolic clock that gets adjusted every year to reflect how close humanity is to midnight representing the apocalypse. it is the only clock more terrifying than the one that wakes you up every morning. ( laughter ) and yesterday, at the national press club, atomic scientists reveal

i am stephen colbert. i'm so happy to be here. you happy to be here tonight? (cheers and applause) i am happy to be here in front of you doing the show in one of my men suits. (cheers and applause) well, they announced the winnner of the powerball lottery yesterday and i won... a 2 x 2 piece of paper. i'm going to use it to roll up something to help me forget about the whole thing. if i seem a little off tonight, it's because i've got a slight head cold. it started off with lotto fever and turned into actual fever. i've got a bit of a sore throat. it's not that big a deal. it only hurts when i talk. so the show is going to be a (cheers and applause) but i'm going to get through the show for you! (cheers and applause) i've taken dayquil, and nyquil. i'm hoping that balances out to just "quil." i'm also on advil, tylenol, and sudafed. basically, right now, coursing through my body, i have all the ingredients needed to make meth. anyway, big day in hollywood. this morning, they announced the nominees for this year's academy awards. there are eight best picture no

(cheers and applause) >> announcer: welcome to the colbert! (cheers and applause) ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ ( band playing "late show" theme ) welcome to "the late show," everybody! and i mean that! (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) in there, out there, all around the world! thank you

i'm stephen colbert. and i am so excited about this huge science news that was just announced today. i was talking to these guys about it today. nasa has grown a flower in space. isn't that nice? for the first time finally, there's something beautiful up there. friend of the show scott kelly made the announcement, and here it is. it's a lovely zinnia with 13 petals. never been done before. that's one small step for man, one giant leap back for astronauts with allergies. ( laughter ) because remember, in space, no one can hear you sneeze, so they can't say "gesundheit." and that's too bad. now, this zinnia is also edible, making it the perfect garnish for a bag of microwaved beef paste. this is a really big deal! if you can grow flowers, you can grow food. and once nasa can grow food in space, they'll really save on delivery. ( laughter ) and yet, even this historic milestone was overshadowed this weekend by what i believe is an even greater technological achievement: a washing machine with a brick in it o

>> stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, thank you! thank you, everybody! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. that puts a pep in your step. that's pleasant. ( cheers and applause ) thank

( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert"! thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert"! thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. ( cheers and applause ) had. >> stephen: thank you so much. that's nice. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please! please, have a seat. thank you so much. thank you so much. boy, i need your energy. i've been-- some of you may have noticed who watch the show, i was sick for about the past week, but i'm on the z-pack right now. i got the neutron bomb of the antibiotics in my body. and it's like i feel like i'm-- my body is a house that was on fire. and the z-pack came in, and they're like the fire department-- they put it out, but there's a lot of water damage now. ( laughter ) and i'm on the mend, you know. but it's like my body has now been taken over by those guys from serve pro, and they're tearing out the sheetrock inside and the carpeting and saying, "you can't live here for, like, six weeks. you have to move to a hotel." but we'll get through it. thank you for your sup

is next. >> stephen colbert! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert"! that's nice. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that is crisp. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) that's lovely. thank you so