ladies and gentlemen, please welcome chris hardwick! ? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: chris hardwick! you are looking sharp as ever. thank you for coming back to the show. >> jimmy: oh, please. i love you. you know we love you, and congratulations. you got married. >> i did. i got married. >> jimmy: that's a big deal. [ cheers and applause ] ? that is great, buddy! >> yeah! >> jimmy: congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we have a photo from the wedding. >> yes. >> jimmy: and this is -- your wife is gorgeous. >> yeah, we had kind of a a nerdy-themed wedding. [ laughter ] okay, so, this is my favorite droid. this is r5-d4. he's the droid in the original "star wars" that almost goes they get r2d2. so this is the almost famous of "star wars," and so i've always appreciated him for that. i relate to him. so in our wedding, he was the ring bearer, and he gets two-thirds down the aisle and, he breaks down. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: breaks down, yeah, yeah. you are a real nerd. this is fantastic. >> so, to the extent where i actually e-mailed

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: chris hardwick! u are ing sharas eve thank you r coming back to the show. >> thank you for having me on you show. >> jimmy: oh, please. i love you. you know we love you, congratulations. you got married. >> i did. dy >> jimmyngratulations. >> t y>> jimmy: we have a phot >> yeah, we had kind of alaught) dn inal "star wars" that almost goes withncle owen and , so this is the almost famous of appreciated him for that. i relate to him. so in our wedding, he was the ring bearer, and he gets he breaks down. >> jimmy: breaks dn, yeah, yeah. you are a real nerd. this is fantastic. so, to the extent where i actually e-mailed mark hamill, and i was like, "would you show up at my wedding and go, 'oh, a and take it away?" and of course, he never responded. >> jimmy: he never responded, of course. >> and then all these jawas jump out, and then, i wrestle with them. and then they -- i get the ring, and they take the droid away. so, these -- these were the jawas. >> jimmy: so this really happened at your wedding? >

i'm chris hardwick. sort of. we've lost a lot of icons this year: prince, vine, clippy and the mac startup sound! yes, that timeless, bonnnnnnng will not longer greet you when you startup your new macbook pro. farewell, "bong" sound. [laughing] (playing taps) ♪ without you, nobody in the starbucks will know that i'm about to start working on my screenplay! that's what i do. i'm working on one about a wizard that accidentally finds himself at coachella and has to use magic to get out of the dubstep tent. comedians, now that the soothing startup sound is gone, what's a better sound to hear when you boot up your computer? >> boom boom boom boom. it's a sample of steve jobs rolling over in his grave. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> oh . chris: april richardson. >> i'm your only pal. chris: points. >> attention public library, i'm about to start jerking off. >> chris: alright, points. very good. >> chris: first up, national derelection. it looks like hillary cli

and now, here are kelly ripa and chris hardwick! [cheering and applauding] ? ?

tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- megyn kelly, chris hardwick,

tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- megyn kelly, chris hardwick,

tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- megyn kelly, chris hardwick,

i'm chris hardwick. so 2016 has been described by meteorologists as a "class 5. (bleep)-show." so want to take a break from the bad news of the world, courtesy worldwide web? well, let's do it. because honestly you guys we have been-- we have been neck deep in crap news this entire year between terrorism and zika and the election virus and losing people, pop culture icons that we love! what the ( bleep ), 2016! what the serious ( bleep )? so 2016 has definitely been the year of no chill. so we decided that we were going to give you a mental break from all that stuff tonight. the entire show is an escape-pod for you emotionally. let's start with my sweater. i feel better surrounded by fuzzy wuzzy bears, all right? it covers up by boo-boos. i feel better when i get stressed out and go, "what am i going to do?" sp al shows up and goes, "no problem, chris. no problem!" so tonight, everything we're doing is cuter than a bug's ear, and a bug's ear is pretty ( bleep ) cute. welcome to has. here we are. or cat midnight, if you want. all right. one of the biggest stories of the election

because trump loves twitter he forced chris hardwick to be on 24 hours a day. look at. >> this so comedians, what are other things that are amazing about the great and powerful president trump whom we all adore? april? >> he respects women like you can't even believe. ( sigh ) >> points. >> trevor: that poor man. that poor (bleep) oh, almost forgot. while i was searching for a cockroach to brush my teeth, i came across with a drive with a handwritten note says "play me." must be important because nobody writes anymore. hold on. plug this in. oh. i hope this works. >> uh, this is debb desi lydic. it's february 4th, 2020. this is my video diary. i am on the run because people like me who believe in facts have been labeled enemies of the state. stephen colbert is living in a cave a mile from here and even in this world he's gone viral. what i mean is his skin is being eaten alive by some kind of virus. he's dying. under president trump, every woman has to wear an arm band and gets a rating between one and ten. i am a seven. i was almost an eight, but they said i w

i'm chris hardwick. it's just over a week since a furious birds nest was elected, -- birds are getting out right there. and many people are still very afraid because it's not just civil liberties being threatened, it's also shiny things. the donald has promised to tax imports from china, which could raise the price of the iphone, not to mention his plan to ban all iphones that aren't white [laughing] >> wow. chris: listen. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you know these phones -- [ applause ] this potential $50 to $97 increase is, of course, most concerning to liberals since many trump supporters prefer to communicate through illuminati fluoride brain waves. comedians, how else will trump's presidency affect the new iphones? james davis. >> now you can grab siri by the pussy. [cheers and applause] [laughing] >> chris: please don't do that right now. >> it works a lot better than you expected in the red states. >> chris: alright. points. aerial. >> he will bring back the headphone jack and suddenly everyon

tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- megyn kelly, chris hardwick,

i'm chris hardwick. i'll tell you the truth. the internet has been teeming with fresh allegations of ties between the russian government and ziploc bag full of pee, donald trump. rumors are swirling about everything from russian servers communicating with the trump organization to allegations that the kremlin is blackmailing him with a secretly-recorded sex tape of him in a russian orgy! yuck! well, to be fair, though, he didn't know it would be an orgy. he was just having sex with one russian woman, and there ended upei

i'm chris hardwick. i'll tell you the truth. the internet has been teeming with fresh allegations of ties between the russian government and ziploc bag full of pee, donald trump. rumors are swirling about everything from russian servers communicating with the trump organization to allegations that the kremlin is blackmailing him with a secretly-recorded sex tape of him in a russian orgy! yuck! well, to be fair, though, he didn't know it would be an orgy. he was just having sex with one russian woman, and there ended up being four other women inside of her. so it's not really-. ( cheers and applause ) but as deliciously scandalous as these rumors sound, as of right now, the f.b.i. has found no clear connections between trump and russia. the rumors have no hard proof, and it kind of feels like a last-ditch effort to throw anything imaginable at him to see what sticks. now, don't get me wrong.

i'm chris hardwick. let's get into it and see all the [beep] you were talking about on social media today. twitter is abuzz this week over the release of a new autobiography by zayn malik with a cleverly nuanced title that hints to what is likely some very thoughtful writing. i'm kidding, he called that (/ bleep/ ) "zayn." he named it after himself. as you can see, the first 500 copies have been personally autographed by zorro. the only thing the cover of this book is missing is about eight extra zs. right after that, right there. the author himself tweeted out this image yesterday, alluding to the fact that zayn foolishly wrote each book by hand. and then [beep] this other girl. no, i'm kid

>> chris: it is 29 minutes before midnight and we announce a winner, i'm chris hardwick. we are days away from the the 2016 election and the country hasn't been this divided since way back a few weeks ago when we

>> chris: it is 29 minutes before midnight and we announce a winner, i'm chris hardwick. we are days away from the the 2016 election and the country hasn't been this divided since way back a few weeks ago when we were fight being that picture of the dog wearing pantsuits different ways. i don't know. i don't know what the the right answer is! they both seem plausible. but if there is one thing that can bring us together, it's starbucks. ah, star buck, their new cup feature feature as i mosaic of over 100 diverse people, mnt to be a symbol of unity and it works because everyone loves it, oh wait they dopt because [bleep] the internet.

tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- megyn kelly, chris hardwick, roots crew. >> questlove: 574, south bend, indiana! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ? ? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, goodness! that's the energy we want! [ cheers and applause ] that is a great, hot, hot, hot new york city crowd. welcome, everybody to "the tonight show." this is it. you made it. you're here. [ cheers and applause ] this is it. well, here's what people are talking about.

tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- megyn kelly, chris hardwick, musical guest, emeli sande,

i'm chris hardwick. our future president/good source of vitamin c, donald trump, recently met with barack obama to go over the transition of power and also to ask "what do presidents do?" [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: the exact moment of it just sinking i

i'm chris hardwick. our future president/good source of vitamin c, donald trump, recently met with barack obama to go over the transition of power and also to ask "what do presidents do?" [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: the exact moment of it just sinking in, what he has to do right here. obama is like, ya [beep] -- according to cnbc, aides on trump's team were surprised to learn that the entire white house staff will leave with obama, which is a bummer because trump was really looking forward to saying "you're fired!" to a bunch of housekeepers. trump is also reportedly planning to split his time between washington d.c., trump tower, and mar-a-lago because he doesn't want to do this job. you guys, he doesn't want to do it. he didn't think it through. right. this is like the "twilight zone" ending for trump where he gets his faustian bargain. you mean i have to do this. no! [cheers and applause] >> chris: think about it. he's a billionaire, 70 years old. the next 4 years a considerable chunk o

and now, here are kelly ripa and chris hardwick! [cheering and applauding] ? ? >> chris: this is your chair.

. >> jimmy: plus, we'll have chris hardwick and "thank you notes." [ cheers and applause ] it's going to be good. it's a good show. but first, we have a big show tonight. she's an academy award-winning actress who is already receiving awards for her work in an amazing new movie called "lion." it opens next friday. it's gonna get nominated for every award. my pal, nicole kidman is here, ladies and gentlemen. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nicole and i -- nicole and i are going to talk about some old times. >> steve: real good. new movie, then we're going to face off in the jinx challenge, and we're gonna see if we have any chemistry there. because last time she was here, she really -- ? she dropped the bomb on me ? [ light laughter ] >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. she came last time and just -- yeah, she -- apparently -- >> steve: apparently. >> jimmy: i -- yeah. apparently, we went on a date. >> steve: yeah, but -- >> jimmy: i didn't know this story, and i don't know, it's just -- >> steve: you didn't know it was a date. >> jimmy: i thought i was up for a movie rol

. >> jimmy: plus, we'll have chris hardwick and "thank you notes." [ cheers and applause ] it's going to be good. it's a good show. but first, we have a big show tonight. she's an academy award-winning actress who is already receiving awards for her work in an amazing new movie called "lion." it opens next friday. it's gonna get nominated for every award. my pal, nicole kidman is here, ladies and gentlemen. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nicole and i -- nicole and i are going to talk >> jimmy: talk about her great new movie, then we're going to face off in the jinx challenge, and we're gonna see if we have any chemistry there. because last time she was here, she really -- ? she dropped the bomb on me ? [ light laughter ] >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. she came last time and just -- yeah, she -- apparently -- >> steve: apparently. >> jimmy: i -- yeah. apparently, we went on a date. >> steve: yeah, but -- >> jimmy: i didn't know this story, and i don't know, it's just -- >> steve: you didn't know it was a date. >> jimmy: i thought i was up for a movie role, and so my