>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes first lady michelle obama. and america ferrera. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!

the late show with stephen colbert is next. captioning sponsored by cbs >> and now a "late show" thanksgiving message. >> hi, i'm a thanksgiving turkey here with a special holiday message. but first, i'd like to get something off my breast. would you please stop using your hand to draw me? depictionave turkey. i mean, look at me. i'm an abomination, a freak of nature, four stubby feathers. and where where's my waddle, my sole means of attracting a mate. without it i'll die alone and never know the sensuous touch of a hand. by the way, why do you even draw turkeys on thanksgiving. you kill us a onions in our anal cavities and eat us. you soulless monsters. all right, cbs, i'm getting to it. happy thanksgiving, gobble, gobble, see you in hell. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes danny devito, max greenfield, and musical guest okay go. featuring jon batiste and stay human. city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephe

captioning sponsored by cbs >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes william h. macy colin quinn and musical guest drive-by truckers. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! >> stephen: hey! welcome to" late show." i'm stephen colbert. well, ladies and gentlemen, happy friday, we made it. safe. hope you all have fun plans for the weekend. any plans? on to go home and nap. >> stephen: oh, yeah. that sounds good. my plans-- i'm going to spend the whole weekend in my closet banging on the back wall to try to find the way to narnia. if that fails, i know there's a bottle of bourbon in there. >> jon: probably so, you're right. >> stephen: narnia or bust. all week, all week, pundits and politicians have been asking themselves, "how did we get here?" ( laughter ) led us to this cliff? highway did trump win? was this the revenge of the white, working class voters? was hillary clinton complacent on the campaign trail. did we anger the volcano g

stephen colbert is up next. captioning sponsored by cbs >> cnn's new national poll shows only four point separate the two rivals. >> stephen: i've got to find some escape from this election! just a moment of peace. i know, i'll relax by finishing my ship in a bottle. let's see, just straighten the mast here and then pull the rigging over the spar... you son of a bitch colbert! you stabbed me! as sure as the sea is wet, i will have my revenge! you will rue the day you tried to murder captain bainbridge! i have need to take my mind off this severe puncture wound. a bottle. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes viggo mortenson. patton oswalt. and comedian maz jobrani. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, what's up? thanks for being here. hey, jon. >> stephen: welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. everybody. thank you so much. oh, how's everybody's f

i'm your host, stephen colbert. don't forget, daylight saving time-- guys, don't forget this, don't forget this, don't forget this. daylight saving time is this weekend. so it's fall back. that means when it's 2:00 a.m. on sunday morning, turn your clock back to 1:00 a.m. but don't forget to set your alarm to wake up at 2:00, so you can set it back to 1:00 again. and if we all remember to do that, it will never be tuesday. somebody tell barack and michelle they're not leaving. and with just four days-- four days left in the race, there's some strange stuff going on. for instance, this is true, we just learned that trump supporters are trying to trick people into thinking they can vote by text. now, i just want to be clear to everybody watching-- you cannot do that for the presidential election but it does explain why hillary clinton just won "america's got talent." her talent by the way? her talent? >> jon: yes, big time. >> stephen: hillary's talent by the way-- blowing huge leads. now, no one is saying the trump c

. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes danny devito, max greenfield, and musical guest okay go. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, nice to see you. >> stephen: what's going on, chris? what's going on, mark ?rk hey, everybody. welcome to "the late show"" everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy thanksgiving eve! i have a lot to be thankful for. i have my friends i work with. we live in the greatest country in the world, that's for sure. and you know who has a lot to be thankful for? donald trump. not only is he going to be the president, but he has the most amazing family. yesterday he told staffers at "the new york times" that his son-in-law jared kushner could help broker peace in the middle east. and after that, maybe he could broker peace between america and the other half of america. ( laughter ) ( applause ) just like-- please. plus, donald trump is the those logs, but then he l

you big footed me. >> from stephen colbert. you can watch stephen's live election night special tuesday on showtime and catch him on the late show week nights right here on -- where, steven? >> cbs. >> jon bon jovi has been making music professionally for more than 30 years. he tel they prey on our children, spending billions. addicting 17,000 california kids each year. eventually killing one-third of them. now tobacco companies are spending millions to... defeat prop 56. because in every state that's raised tobacco taxes, smoking rates go down. so who are you going to trust? pediatricians, cancer groups and the califronia pta who all... support prop 56. or the tobacco companies trying to kill it. vote yes on 56. ♪ ♪ livin p ♪ ♪ living on a prayer take my hand we'll make it, i swear ♪ >> that, of course, is bon jovi's iconic song "living on a prayer." he called the latest album a rebirth. this house is not for sale is the 14th studio record. it features several changes for the 33-year-old legendary rock group includin

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! hey!

and now, live on tape from the city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) ? thank you very much! ( "enchanted" stephen ) audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thanks so much. everybody in here, out there, all around the world, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. i'm so glad everybody is here right now. how's everybody doing? ( cheers and applause ) here's an even better question: personally, i'm a little tired from all the chance we're giving him. it's exhausting. hope that works out. hope and chance. trump's transition is transitioning. don't know a lot about what's going on, but do know that his team has not yet called the pentagon, possibly because he knows more than the generals. or maybe he's never going to call them. he'll just launch a literal tweet war. "@pentagon, please bomb syria. #lyingnewyorktimes." l-lying! ( applause ) it's funny 'cause it's true. ( laughter ) or maybe the pentagon's line is down. i don't know. let me just give them a little call right here. ( ringing ) >> hello, you've reached

first lady, michelle obama is up next with stephen colbert. the number one thing that a good coach does is he shows his players that he cares about 'em... if players know you love 'em they'll run through a wall for you. sometimes it's hard for us to overcome obstacles and that's what a great coach is there for. good coaching is everything. especially when you're quitting tobacco. ashline coaches will help you develop a plan which can double your chances for success. give us a call for free. 1-800-55-66-222 step by step, you can do this thing. ? ? ? you said you're not like me, ? ? never drop to your knees, ? ? look into the sky for a momentary high, ? ? you never even tried till it's time to say goodbye, bye ? ? everybody fights for a little bit of light, i believe. ? great rates for great rides. with our $3.50 sub of the day, there's never been a better time to try something deliciously different. every day of the week, get a featured six-inch subway sub for just $3.50. all with no artificial flavors. the $3.50 sub of the day >> stephen: hi.

">> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! toornghts steve welcomes james marsden, jimmie johnson and john waters. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: ehey, welcome, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show"! lovely group of folks. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i am your host stephen colbert, and i couldn't be happier to be with all of you right now. what a privilege it is to come out here and talk about all of >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: some of them good, some of them bad, but human feelings we can share through the miracle of television. here's something i have a feeling about -- the trump train keeps on rolling down them crazy tracks. ( laughter ) yesterday, trump summoned all the bigwigs of tv news, folks like cnn president jeff zucker and nbc anchor lester holt, to trump tower. naturally, they all assume state. he's going to have, like, 20 secretaries of state. a lot of countries, makes sense. once they go

. >> stephen: it's stephen colbert. c-o-l-b-e-r-t. >> stephen, do you have any nicknames? >> stephen: oh, let's see: steve, steve-a-rino, eightball, hambone, brangelina. >> stephen, how old are you? >> stephen: how old do you think i am? don't worry about my feelings. just shoot from the hip. you're notng you're not going to hurt. whatever you want. what do you think? how old do you think i am? >> 52. >> stephen: okay, ( bleep ) you. all right. i mean, i apologize. i mean, correct. i mean, good for you. good for canada, you. >> sex? >> stephen: sure, yeah. let's do it. >> i'll take that as male. >> stephen: what? >> color of your eyes? >> stephen: tell me what color they are. do you remember? >> dark brown. your eyes are beautiful, they are like jade. >> thank you. >> stephen: they're like polished jade, like precious stones that i found in a tomb in a forgotten valley somewhere in mongolia. and as i held the glistening stones in my hands and run the fresh spring water over them to reveal their agate glory... >> that will not assist you in the application. let's move along

i'm stephen colbert. well, ladies and gentlemen, happy friday, we made it. safe. hope you all have fun plans for the weekend. any plans? to go home and nap. >> stephen: oh, yeah. that sounds good. my plans-- i'm going to spend the whole weekend in my closet banging on the back wall to try to find the way to narnia. if that fails, i know there's a bottle of bourbon in there. >> jon: probably so, you're right. >> stephen: narnia or bust. all week, all week, pundits and politicians have been asking themselves, "how did we get here?" ( laughter ) what is the moral g.p.s. that highway did trump win? was this the revenge of the white, working class voters? was hillary clinton complacent on the campaign trail. did we anger the volcano god? i said we should have thrown taylor swift in there. would have missed her. would have missed her. it turns out tmay be none of the a lot of people are blaming all the facebook fake news that was pro-trump and anti-hillary. in fact, more fake news was shared on facebook than real news. so where did it come from? turns out a lot of it ca

sullivan theater in new yorke ed city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) what's up? what's up? what's up, jon? >> jon: you lookin' good! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! please, have a seat! you're very kind. welcome to "the late show," everybody. ( laughter ) i'm happy to say i'm your host stephen colbert. let's get right to it, the only news that matters: the cubs won the world series! ( cheers and applause ) that's right! the curse is lifted! for the first time in a century, wrigleyville is covered in victory vomit! ( laughter ) congratulations, chicago! ( whispering ) i mean, congratulations, chicago. i know you just woke up. shhh. lay your head back down on that half-chewed italian beef and snuggle up to the goat you brought home. you earned it because last night -- everybody watch the game? ( cheers and applause ) incredible! incredible! a grown man, i cried! last night was a storybook extra-innings world series classic-- a lead-off home-run, big leads swept a

i'm stephen colbert. and we are live tonight from new york. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: that's not too shall by. meanwhile, in philadelphia, hillary clinton held a huge rally in front of independence bruce talked about global warming and trade policy. hillary, as always, closed with thunder road. trump, on the other tiny hand spoke in new hampshire and had a big announcement. >> tom brady, he called today, and he said, donald, i support you, you're my friend and i voted for you. >> stephen s appears to be under-inflated. ( cheering ) to get a good grip. ( laughter ) and last night trump had "the bruce springsteen of insane bowhunters," ted nugent, and the nuge did not disappoint. >> i got your blue state right >> stephen: what is he even saying? ( laughter ) i don't -- i don't understand. is his crotch actually blue? you guys, i've said it before, if your genitals resemble the electoral map at all, consult a doctor immediately. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and the cra we learned all th

>> went he, stephen colbert? >> he would. i went to wrigley field to the run-up to the end of the world series. one of the ushers is walking me back on the warning track. the first thing he says to me, about right there. he points to seat 113. >> see? let it go! >> lucky 113. >> i would love to meet him but stephen colbert is at the table election. the late show is broadcast live numerous times during the campaign starting with the republican and democratic national convention and again after the presidential debates. >> there was even a time when with he didn't get an emmy for his tv program three years in a row and he started tweeting that emmys were rigged. >> should have gotten it. >> yeah. he may have have a point there. he may have a point there. with the emmys. i'm beginning to suspect those le controlled by members of the media. and, you know, donald, you really should get one. they are fantastic! >> i love it! >> oh, no. it's going down! colbert will host a live election night on tuesday called the democracy series f

>> yes. >> with stephen colbert. i went to wrigley field in the run-up to the world series, and one of the ushers is walking me on the warning track there and as we go by where bartman is sitting, he goes, right there, first thing he says about wrigley field, points to the seat and goes right there. seat 113. >> yes, see, let it go. >> lucky 113. >> i would love to meet him. but stephen colbert is here at the table, always love meeting him, putting his signature satirical spin on this presidential election. the late show is broadcast live numerous times during the national conventions. more than three months ago, we saw you there. and again after the presidential debates. >> there was even a time when he didn't get an emmy for his tv program three years in a row and he started tweeting that the emmys were rigged again. >> should have gotten it. >> yeah. he may have a point there. he may have a point there. with the emmys. i'm beginning to suspect the television awards may be controlled by members of the media. get on

>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes first lady michelle obama. and america ferrera. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!

colbert. >> you can watch "ok go" on the late show with stephen colbert tonight at 11:30 after kpix 5. we'll be right back. ,, (upbeat music) - [voiceover] you are san francisco. we've been with you from the beginni we've seen each other through good times and bad. sickness and health. we're with you san francisco, and you bring out the best in us. care. zuckerberg san francisco general hospital and trauma center. their message of blue lives matter coming up later today on kpix >>> a bay area police officers association is taking on "black lives matter." their message of blue lives matter coming up later today on kpix 5 news at 5:00. >>> finally this noon a workout idea before the big thanksgiving feast tomorrow. >> do we have to work out? man. it's going viral in san francisco. the cyclist who put together a 50-mile bike ride that's shaped like a turkey. it starts in the castro goes through twin peaks and then the marina district and ends near city hall. [ laughter ] >> pretty cool. people are posting their results on twitter and facebook with the hashtag, turkey ride. >> i might do