. >> yeah, a lot [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah >> a lot >> jimmy: yeah >> i grew up >> jimmy: i grew up? >> and you haven't [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but -- all right - [ liverpudlian accent >> i'm the grown up. >> jimmy: i'm a grown up and you're child >> you're a child. you're a kid >> jimmy: you're a babe. you're a grown man wearing a a diaper [ laughter ] wearing a nappy the way you were born. >> play with your -- you've got blocks to play with >> jimmy: that you play with >> see that? >> jimmy: yeah, try that for once [ light laughter ] all playin' with blocks and suckin' on a bottle. >> see what that looks like. >> jimmy: yeah >> not a lot of fun, is it [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: your mommy won't bring you another bottle, will she? [ laughter ] wah-wah, baby crying you know, in a crib. >> do you want candy i haven't got it [ light laughter ] sorry. >> jimmy: so, here we go >> all right >> jimmy: we've got to make up a band name. [ laughter ] all right. call the band name, random word on the count of three. ready? >> both: one, two, three >> jimmy: lavender >> roller coaster. >> jim

>> jimmy: hakuna >> no. hakuna >> jimmy: yes. >> matatta >> jimmy: yes! ♪ [ cheers and applause [ laughter ] fantastic. come on, buddy, that was it. [ cheers and applause naomi watts. the champ. that's how you do it mike birbiglia joins us after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ (vo) parents have a way of imagining the worst... ..sp youdiracted driving [ping] with sensors that alert you when your eyes are off the road. the all-new subaru forester. the safest forester ever. with this one little nexgard chew comes the confidence, you're doing what's right, to protect your dog from fleas and ticks for a full month. it's the #1 vet recommended protection. and it's safe for puppies. nexgard. what one little chew can do. liberty mutual customizes your car insurance, hmm. exactly. so you only pay for what you need. nice. but, uh... what's up with your... partner? not again. limu that's your reflection. only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty ♪ woman 1: this is my body of proof. man 1: proof of less joint

jimmy! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, he didn't. i don't eat baby food -- >>e got you! >> jimmy: okay, and -- stay out of -- who are you, anyway? >> i'm an instigator, my man yo, know, my job is to, like fan the flames of conflict you feel me? [ laughter ] >> hey, hey -- >> keep it going >> this is jimmy >> let me hear >> oh, look at me. i sit behind a big desk and talk to celebrities. blah, blah, blah >> oh, my god! 's killing you right now jimmy fallon [ laughter ] you going to take that on your own show in front of your own audience?-- >> jimmy: all right >> come on, son! >> jimmy: come -- that's enough >> come on >> jimmy: reggie, why don't you just leave me alone? all right, buddy >> reggie just leave me alone. i want to be alone [ laughter ] >> he went there, jimmy. you know what i'm saying he was here, and then he went there. you know what i mean [ laughter ] you know what i'm saying i can't even watch this. >> jimmy: no, don't -- [ laughter ] >> hey - >> i don't want to watch it no more

yeah >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: that's the -- i went with that -- >> steve: jimmy wolfeboro. >> jimmy: i went with that guy me and that guy had a bro weekend. it was awesome [ laughter ] >> steve: he trained a roomba to give you a bud light. >> jimmy: he brought me beer and we were like, "whoa, let's do it. it's just the coolest town i love new hampshire i love wolfeboro they have a great parade, fourth of july parade. i had a great time there and gosh, my kids had fun. then they wanted to go to london >> steve: oh >> jimmy: my -- franny, the -- my four-year-old was like, "i want to live in london." i don't know why she said -- just anything but live with me she just wants to go somewhere else [ light laughter ] so she's like -- all right so we went and it was big european family trip it was fun all she wanted -- her and winnie, they wanted to be on a a double decker bus. >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: and they wanted to see a mummy. >> steve: oh [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know why in england -- >> steve: "a mummy." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah so -- yeah, "hello, mummy. peppa pig. [ laugh

>> jimmy: okay okay >> and -- yeah, like, wait >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. >> yes >> jimmy: yeah, four, five, six -- yeah, right. yeah, yeah, yeah >> no, no, no, i'm looking at the room >> jimmy: you're counting. you counting you have the four, five, six high heels and sandals give me a break. you're talking about shoes, because from the interview you were talking about shoes and now it's in your head. >> no, i wasn't. >> jimmy: yes, you were talking about high heels for the mark twain thing [ cheers ] >> oh! >> jimmy: so, let me tell you something, you lie [ cheers and applause ♪ [ ding ] >> oh, no. you know, i got to tell you something. i really pride myself on being a good liar. so i'm incredibly upset right now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, i thought you were going to say impressed. i thought you were going to say impressed. >> no! >> jimgu shall i choose [ audience yelling ] >> jimmy: there is no 11 three? okay somebody yelled, "11." there is no 11 thank you, though. [ laug ] >> oh, it must be heavy. ♪ groaning ] you poor thing >> jimmy: my arms -- >> your arms are killing you >

>> jimmy: yeah, yeah you can look, yeah >> okay. >> jimmy: okay >> oh, okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. [ laughter ] okay, i don't know if you're -- if that's your poker face or what all right, i'll have 30 seconds to identify what this is here we go ♪ [ laughter ] >> watch out there [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's freaking me out it feels warm or something it's warm, i don't like it whatever it is [ laughter ] it really grossing me out. this is so odd i can't even describe this i'm not looking at anyone. [ laughter ] oh, man, oh, man can i just put my right hand - >> that's cheating you have to do both. >> jimmy: oh, gosh oh i hate this game so much [ laughter ] i'm going to freak out right now. all right. i'm doing it here we go hey. [ cheers ] ah, ah, ah ah, ah, ah please please oh, my god [ laughter ] [ applause ] oh, oh, it's marshmallow peeps >> yeah! [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: god, you guys are the worst! you are all the worst people you were cringing. you were like -- oh, my god. the worst. my own audience turned on me oh, my god do not trust, especially her oh, my

. >> jimmy: joseph. now joseph, are you a handsome young fella, how old are you. >> i'm 19. >> jimmy: 19 years old. what do you do for a living? >> i'm an actor. >> jimmy: all right, okay. so act happy when we're done with this haircut. guillermo, unfortunately, guillermo's about to go on break, so i'm going to pass you off to one of our junior stylists. >> ha! you're >> jimmy: shaq, i've never seen a barber taller than the barber pole. >> what's your name? >> jimmy: that's shaquille o'neill. he's going to be cutting your hair, okay? >> pay attention. >> jimmy: your hair is about to go kazam. shaq, have you ever given a haircut before? >> yes. >> jimmy: whose hair have you cut? >> lebron james. >> jimmy: you did? are you the one who gave lebron that perfect hairline? wow, this is a wonderful look. >> i got to rest my arm right there. >> jimmy: this is called the minnie mouse right here. >> this is a mohawk. a mini hawk. >> jimmy: is really is the opposite of a mohawk right now. shaq, you've created a new

>> jimmy: let's do it together yeah >> okay. >> jimmy: i'll follow your lead >> okay. >> jimmy: i mean, i'm honored. let's do this last one together here we go okay >> i hope you stretched out your hamstrings. [ light laughter ]s oseness. >> jimmy: i -- >> get over here [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: madonna, everybody [ cheers and applause that's all the time we have for "neon dance battle." stick around we're talking to madonna after the break. this is something big. this is something bigger. that is big. not as big as that. big. bigger. big. bigger. this is big. and that's bigger. over time, you go noseblind to the odors in your home. (background music) but others smell this... (upbeat music) that's why febreze plug has two alternating scents and eliminate odors for 1200 hours. ♪breathe happy febreze... ♪la la la la la. comfort and security for thethe little ones inside.des possibly the inspiration behind hanes comfort flex fit with a breathable pouch. that...and probably this. (yells) hanes comfort flex fit. ♪ this i

>> jimmy: okay, got you, buddy >> steve: jimmy, you're up any thoughts >> jimmy hear this sound - ♪ >> jimmy: okay >> steve: the clock will start are you ready? >> jimmy: yes. >> steve: are you sure >> jimmy: yes. >> steve: homany seconds >> jimmy: seven. >> steve: good luck. [ light laughter ] ♪ [ light laughter ] ♪ >> steve: oh [ audience ohs ] do you want to know your time or not >> jimmy: yes. right? do i yeah >> steve: 7.12 seconds [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: wow. not bad. not bad. >> not bad >> steve: all right, rachel. >> okay. remember, when you hear this sound -- ♪ you'll commence the seven seconds. >> okay. >> steve: good luck. >> my heart is racing. >> steve: this sound - ♪ >> jimmy: oh, but not yet. not yet. not yet. not yet. don't -- >> steve: begin. when you hear it ♪ ♪ >> steve: ooh! >> jimmy: i didn't look.in >> did i w >> steve: rachel, you are the winner of that round [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: wow! wow! that's good. >> steve: insane in the membrane all right.d this is rouno or the deuce as we call it. [ laughter ] this time we're going t

>> steve: jimmy. >> jimmy: yes?na >> steve: three english words that rhyme with pickle >> jimmy: come on. i can't think of one >> prinkle >> say trickle >> jimmy: sickle >> steve: sickle, yes.>> ickle. >> jimmy: tickle >> steve: two. >> nickle. >> jimmy: nickle >> steve: nickle, yes! [ cheers and applause ♪ that means jimmy wins. let's see how many people we can get into gabrielle's booth oh ♪ >> jimmy: op wide. come here, please. how ever you can fit in there. oh, of course. oh, my god oh, my god you okay can i help you tara, can you get in in an y? oh, my god all right. johnny, next to the contortionist. >> i'll stand. >> jimmy: phillie phanatic phile phanatic, can you get any -- phillie phanatic, just get your arm in there that's it right there. there yogo ere's our winner [ cheers and applause my thanks to gabrielle union, dj khaled, grant kemmerer, jacob anderson, shaggy, johnny weir, tara lipinski, the big apple circus, and the philadelphia phillies! more "tonight show" after the break. [ cheers and applau

> jimmy: but then somebody said, "oh, it's just jimmy and horatio. hest like, "well, if it's ju jimmy and horatio. [ laughter ] i'm cool with those guys >> i'm sorry, guys >> jimmy: i'm sorry, guys. >> knock it on [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he did not say "knock --" >> knock it on >> jimmy: he didn't say "knock it on. [ laughter ] "knock it on." now i'm doing jimmy stewart. i want to talk about -- dude, "black monday. you're fantastic in it 's on showtime on demand if you want to check it out it's getting a little emmy buzz, just want to say >> thank you>> immy: congratulations on that, bud. i like that. >> oh, yeah, yeah, it's a great show don cheadle is amazing it's about the '80s so we're the '80s, get in smokeilled rooms, and it's insane how times have changed, you know, as far as -- >> jimmy: yeah >> how office politics were. even then there weren't that many people of color in the stock market so this kind of -- this dude, who is a real man, he kind of started this office and just kind of took all the people that others didjut want and kind of like

run. >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you moved to tokyo. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: gaijin >> yeah. >> jimmy: and normally -- i mean, that is so rare for you to become a hit over there in tokyo. >> you know what, i love food and i love ramen and i love japan. and so, itas a really great combination. so in a way, it was easy >> jimmy: but was it - it was definitely not easy but what was the -- for you?e was it the noomaking, was it the umami talk me through, get nerdy [ light laughter ] >> you know what i think, i decided to make my own noodles and i decided to put whole grain in it, no one had ever done it before and i was super geeky about it and i got so into and it was just a little ten-seat shop. so you know, it was just easy to kind of focus so we made one kind of ramen >> jimmy: yeah, that's it. >> yeah.an >> jimmy: now, you came back home, hometown kid done well >> yeah. >> jimmy: and you're opening up all these -- aryou opening up any more restaurants? >> i'm opening a couple more on thldeast coast, and then wor domination >> jimmy: yes! of course. [ cheers

and now -- stay put -- jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. welcome, especially to those of you visiting from out of town. you know, it's summer vacation time, and we have a lot of visitors here in california, but you know who's in southern california right now and did not bother to stop by? vice president mike pence. he's at vandenberg, touting the space force. mother packed his pjs and everything. how he got stuck with this space force job, i do not know. while he's here, maybe we can put him on the millennium falcon ride at disney land and tell him it's the space force up and running. meanwhile, back in the white house, the president is pumping his tiny fists. the uk ambassador to the united states resigned today. private comments were leaked and revealed to a tabloid and referred to our stable genius as clumsy, inept and insecure. it did not go over well with his majesty, he called him a stupid guy and banned him from the white house. 24 hours after calling somebody a very stupid guy, the presi

>> jimmy: he said, "jimmy get in my car. [ laughter ] "hey jimmy, quick, get in my car," or something like that there's coyotes are coming >> so he knew who you were >> jimmy: yeah >> so you guys were hanging out or just -- [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: no, i didn't know he was there at all ♪ >> it seems true >> it seems true i didn't want it to be >> actually, hang on woah [ light laughter ] you're lying >> jimmy: no, why would i do that, though >> i feel like it's true, because he wasn't sure on the year and he's like trying to make us think that he's lying but it's really the truth. he said, let's say 2002. >> i looked deep within his soul deep within -- yeah, you're lying to me. >> jimmy: you're right, it's a a lie. [ cheers and applause ♪ how cool would that be for a second, did you think? >> yeah, for a second i did, and then i looked at you we played another game where it's like -- don't laugh that game. and there's something there that happened. [ talking over each other >> okay, all right, here we go >> jimmy: i'm going to say -- what do we just go with, number two? what do you th

and now, after all that, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: welcome, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. please sit, we have no time to waste. we're already behind. thanks for joining us on a night of dating and debating here in the united states, aka bachelor nation, and we will get to that, "the bachelorette," hannah b is here for after the after the after final rose ceremony. kathy griffin is here. music from of monsters and men and anthony davis is here with us. [cheers and applause] are you ready, guillermo? >> i'm ready, jimmy. >> jimmy: guillermo is a very big lakers fan. >> yeah! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: looks like your mustache traveled north. >> yeah, i know, a little bit. >> jimmy: earlier tonight from the fox theater the first of two democratic debates this week. it's john hickenlooper's election to lose. this was some lineup. it was more pileup than lineup. ten candidates got seven seconds each to solve the health care crisis. there were more characters than on the show "this is us" in this debate

and now, cashing out, jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. ♪ >>im: , er i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you very much. appreciate that. i miss you already. very nice. thank you very much. we are coming to you from -- thank you, thank you. please, now it's embarrassing. sit back, relax. we are coming to you from las vegas, nevada. we are in the zappos theater. i came in on an airplane, i'll be leaving on a mobility scooter. here's why vegas is number one. [cheers and applause] i'll explain it. it's not just one city. all the great cities of the world are represented here. you've got new york, paris, rome, margaritaville. vegas is the city that's been jacked up on red bull for 48 hours straight. there is alcohol everywhere here. there's even a bar at drybar. in vegas. even drybar isn't dry. that's how much alcohol there is. but i have to hand it to our crew and staff, even though there have been many temptations to drink to excess, to stay up too late. we have the most professional group here. they've, safety is our number one priority here at the show. i

>> jimmy: oh, yeah >> we hung out with those guys >> jimmy: coven. >> yeah, the coven >> jimmy: yeah, i have "coven. yeah, i have -- dude, i never laughed so hard in my life when i saw that with you in the theater. seeing "american movie." we were laughing so hard, i couldn't see i was crying [ light laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: we had so many good moments like that and just so many goof-off moments i was thinking about do you remember when we played with the whiffle ball in the hallways >> yeah. well see, me and jimmy would live in new york all year, a a lot. >> jimmy: yeah >> so we would be messing around, like, "let's just go to the office and do something. probably, let's write. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's write a sketch >> yeah, let's get ahead of everybody and write a bunch of sketches in july >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] >> so we'd go to our offices, and you know, in this beautiful building, so it's kind of awesome to be here then we always had guitars -- the backpacker guitar -- we always had little toys around, the organ and then we had a whiffle ball bat and started playing

so - >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah, man >> jimmy: dude, this is amazing. >> yeah. >> jimmy: this will get you other gigs >> yeah, exactly and it did give me another gig i ended up doing -- i did a little bit of slight vocal f work on the animatedm. >> jimmy: could we know -- will me know it's you when we hear you? >> no, no, no. you won't know it's me [ light laughter ] it's very, very weird. i it's like -- do like a lot of the background noises. lll i'm dead serious >> jimmy: are you sure that you're in this movie >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you sure [ laughter ] >> in very small parts if you see an antelope grazing or you see - >> jimmy: wow. >> i'm so serious ght now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait, so they -- you went in -- they had chance the rapper come in. and then you - >> a yeah -- >> jimmy: and they said, "hey, can you do an antelope grazing? >> yes >> jimmy: and what -- can you give us an idea of what that would be like? hi>> i'll do it for free t time but usually -- >> jimmy: close your eyes, everybody. close your eyes and picture, if you will, an antelope grazing. [ grazing sounds ] does

jimmy: wow! they love you, dude. >> hi, guys. >> jimmy: they love you. we love you. thank you for coming back. >> oh, i love being here >> jimmy: i know you just got back, you were just in asia. >> i was, yeah >> jimmy: how does that jet lag feel >> it's amazing. [ laughter ] the beijing to tokyo from new york jet lag, i always say it's sort of like whitewater rafting backwards. [ laughter ] but you're not whitewater rafting backwards. you're in the middle of an interview. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're living in hell right now. nozy this could get a little psychedelic. >> jimmy: good [ laughter ] good, i love it. just watch him melt down, it's going to be great. [ laughter ] stay tuned for that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you posted this recently on instagram, and - >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: it really -- it was -- that's you. >> that is me. >> jimmy: as a child [ audience aws ] thatme >> yeah. >> jimmy: it says, "this is ryan reynolds. >> yeah. >> jimmy: "3, and he's enjoying the water at the kits community

. >> jimmy: you've got a great crew of -- >> the best. >> jimmy: what a cast.ph maya rud >> yes >> jimmy: paula pell >> yes >> jimmy: tina fey [ cheers ] >> yes >> jimmy: rachel dratch. [ cheers and applause ana gasteyer holy mol >> murderer's row. >> jimmy: murderer's row >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean the funniest people out there >> yeah, it wasn't that hard >> jimmy: to make them laugh >> no, it wasn't so hard they're just so funny and od talented and so go >> jimmy: yeah >> i mean, my job was just to get them to stop talking - [ laughter ] to each other. >> jimmy: you're like, "guys, fos up." >> yeah, just like, "hey guys. that's a really funny story. come on over here. sit down over -- i would just trick them. jimmy: your voice gets really high too. >> hey, guys sit down over here and i'd go, "action. >> jimmy: "hurry it upah yeyeah >> yeah. but i was kind of the buzzkill i had to stop all the fun. >> jimmy: who wrote this >> ecaly spivey and liz owski, our friends >> jimmy: i love them both yes. >> yes >> wonderful, amazing ladies >> jimmy: it's based on a thing you kind of did, right

and it's -- >> jimmy: and she's right? >> ish. yeah. >> jimmy: all right. we're going to take a break here. we're going to find out everything that's going on in the kardashians' lives. the kardashians are here. we're in las vegas,.95.95. more with them after this. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" in las vegas are brought to you by walmart. ♪ that i write you about your amazing employees. eric volunteered to come to my rescue that evening. ...to a mom, these things really matter. from this day forward, i'm a lexus customer for life. thank you. sincerely... ivy, kim, david, greg. crafting every experience for our guests with the same level of care we craft our vehicles. that's what makes lexus, lexus. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. lexus. still fresh... ♪ unstopables in-wash scent booster ♪ downy unstopables hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job. what? what?? what?! (laughing) what?? what?! what?! [crash] what?! haha, it happens. and i

. ♪ >> jimmy: val? >> yes. >> jimmy: a toast to you. you're getting married. >> yes, i am. >> jimmy: a toast to val, everyone. >> woo! >> jimmy: this is my first bachelorette party, so i'm excited. >> me too. >> welcome! >> jimmy: do any of you have any stripping experience? >> no. >> jimmy: okay, not everyone said no. so val, how long have you known your fiance? >> eight years. >> jimmy: eight years? wow. how do you like his mother? >> i love her. >> jimmy: you do? >> yes. >> good for you, i don't like my mother-in-law. >> she got a good one. >> jimmy: and that's an understatement. yes. i want everyone to stay hydrated tonight, all right? >> all right. >> jimmy: it's very important. >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: let's go to the pole. >> okay. this is stripper 101. be ready to polish dance. this is heather. she will be your instructor. >> fabulous, wonderful, welcome, welcome. come on in, ladies, you can put your stuff down. cubbyholes there. >> jimmy: cubbyholes are for your personal property. >> let's get started. our first tip, ladies, you'

. >> jimmy: clip-on ties >> gotta have -- >> jimmy: body part. >> foot. >> jimmy: a noun >> a noun. chicago. [ light laughter ] >> yes, place. >> person, place or thing. >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] >> jimmy: noun, chicago. that's right kenan, food you'd order at a a sushi restaurant >>imura ll [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, okay shrimp tempura roll. >> and delicious >> jimmy: childhood punishment >> childhood punishment. the bar of soap in the mouth [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: all right. now we're going to do the speed round here going to real quick right here kenan, exclamation >> hooray! [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: another verb ending in i-n-g >> um, beating >> beating >> jimmy: beating. wow. [ light laughter ] >> i don't - >> jimmy: wow. [ laughter ] oh, my god, i can't even - it started with farmhands. [ laughter ] that's when it went off the rails. farmhands. >> farmhands >> jimmy: that's all right i'm good mall restaurant. >> we'll go with taco bell >> jimmy: taco bell. there you go mall clothing store. >> mall clothing store um - spencer's? spencer's gifts. [ laughter ] >

jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: thank you very much. that was great thank you, welcome [ cheers and applause thanks, that was great relax. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. this is it you're here. appreciate it. look, i know you're all just clapping for the air conditioning but i'm still glad you're here [ light laughter ] we're in the middle of a giant heat wave right now with temperatures in the 90s. it's crazy out there i sat on a bench for two minutes. when i got up, my pants had grill marks. [ laughter ] >> steve: really >> jimmy: i saw that officials are telling people that beer -- beer is not a good way to stay hydrated and that you should drink water. when new yorkers heard that, they're like, "okay, coors light it is. [ laughter ] [ applause ]you ys, this heat we roots. >> questlove: thanks jimmy [ cheers and applause so tip number one, stay out the sun and drink lots of water. >> tariq: ah, it's a good one. here's what you should do. you get yourself a klondike bar and use it like a bar of soap. [ lau

. >> jimmy: okay, yam is a - >> case closed, it's been great to see you, jimmy. >> jimmy: there you go thank you so much. >> all right >> jimmy: kevin bacon, ladies and gentlemen. there he is. >> thank you so much >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause but this -- so this was -- you got in trouble with -- >> well, listen, i was on my way to l.a and i knew that i was going to be arriving, you know, in 5 hours, and i knew that in probably 7 1/2 hours i was going to be hungry >> jimmy: mm-hmm [ laughter ] >> and so i saw a nice sweet potato sitting there ready to go and i just threw it in my suitcase [ laughter ] and of course tsa flagged it and, listen, i love the tsa. >> jimmy: sure, sure >> i think they do a great job i think that they got a job where everybody is pissed or nervous or whatever. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: tough gig. no one's going to be happy with the tsa. it's tough gig >> oh, such a -- such a tough gig. >> jimmy: so, and you tried to smuggle it you creep. [ laughter ] you sick - you sick - >> but i'm telling you, as soon as the guy called me over, it's like he was on

[ laughter ] and then i go, "jimmy fallon." >> jimmy: yes. >> "thanks for being on thow >> jimmy: no problem >> "again, do you think, now that we've reached the end here, higher or lower than a a four?" >> jimmy: don't, my nephew is in the audience. [ laughter ] >> your nephew has a very deep voice.[ ughter ] "lower, jimmy. [ laughter ] lower, say it. >> jimmy: lower. i'm a -- "we'll be here next week to t jimmy's answer." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i do know the game "card sharks" now that you've told me.em i dober this and so, but people win a lot of money. >> okay, so, yeah, i mean, it's like saying tennis is just a a simple game, where two people bhave nets and they throwl over >> jimmy: yeahng there's wageri >> right, it can get up to 690 grand. and so - >> jimmy: why not 700,000? [ laughter ] >> because we want you to talk about it [ laughter ] and you're talking about it. >> jimmy: yeah i really am it must be fun to -- >> no, and i -- this young woman won like $250,000 wi the turn of a card, and she's a single mom, and i don't have eaa heart, i have a ball bng right here, and it j

and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: wow! wow. oh, my goodness. please - welcome. have a seat. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show", everybu'y. yo here. [ cheers and applause finally. let's start the show, finally, here can we please? gosh, it was hot this weekend. oh, my gosh. [ light laughter ] >> steve: was it it was hot >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: was it hot >> jim: it was very hot. the heat was brutal, all around the country. for the first time in years, ice cream truck drivers sold more ice cream than weed >> steve: really [ laughter ] >> jimmy: for the first time, yeah - [ cheers and applause this is the first -- get this, it was so hot that here in new york, they had to cancel the new york city trthlon. [ audience aws ] which means 4,000 people were just wandering the streets going, "now what do i brag about on instagram?" [ light laughter ] i mean, "my brunch?" well, throughout the weekend, people came up with interesting ways to beat the heat. check out what one guy did when he had to swing by the store s >> surveillance

>> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: what is the heat index out there? >> mucha caliente, very hot. >> jimmy: so guillermo is going to give somebody a cool haircut. who do we have? oh, that's great. what is your name? >> gus. >> jimmy: gus, where are you from? >> i'm from mcallen, texas. >> jimmy: gus, you have a lot of hair, don't you? >> yes, i do. >> jimmy: do you always wear your hair like that? or do you sometimes have it short? >> this is my first year having long hair, i thought i'd give it a try after seeing aquaman. >> jimmy: okay. and what kind of cut are you looking for today, as if it matters? it really doesn't matter. what are you thinking today, gus? >> i'm thinking he's going to get creative. >> jimmy: what have you got, clippers? >> yes. >> jimmy: what number are you going to go at? >> number four. >> jimmy: oh, boy, is it actually coming off? oh, it is coming off. all right, gus, he's got a number four going on you. have you ever had a haircut on the street before? >> never, this is my first time. >> jimmy: do you have any important date

. >> jimmy: on amc >> yupd >> jimmy: anu're fantastic in it. >> aw, thanks. >> jimmy: you have so much prosthetics in this show >> there's a lot of different looks -- >> jimmy: it's amazing >> for the character who ages up and down through the course of the narrative, the sty. >> jimmy: i mean, hundreds of years. look at this >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean this is scary look at this >> ooh.? >> jimmy: do you like doing prosthetics, or do you - >> i do. i mean, it's an interestinth-- i've never done to this extent and it's certainly a a fascinating part of the process that really allows me to immerse myself in a a character. >> jimmy: sure and we have a fantastic team of people joel harlow, richie elanna, and cheryl daniels - >> jimmy: it looks amazing >> who do all of that. they're incredible, and they really allowed me to kind of dive inta the character in a eper way >> well, i hope you get used to it, because you just got picked up for season two. >> yeah, we did yeah thanks, man. [ cheers and applause it's a good segue, yeah. jimmy: i want to show everyone a clip. here's zachary quinto i

it right now. >> jimmy: it's uncle jimmy, you can't lie to uncle jimmy thank you. thank you for finally telling me the truth because that would be the thing that you're not doing. [ laughter ] ♪ oh pickle in a bo pickle in a bo pickle in a box ♪ and finally, i say, you lie, my friend [ drumroll ] >> oh, my god. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god >> you might be right. >> jimmy: he did not lie he's the one and only chance the rapper. [ cheers and applause ♪ the winner, chance the rapper. more "tonight show" after the break. stick around, everybody. congratulations. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ ♪ get everything you need to go back big at the low prices you love. (v...especially when your easily distracted teenager has the car. the worst... at subaru, we're taking on distracted driving [ping] with sensors that alert you when your eyes are off the road. suru forester. the safest forester ever. guys - i've got an idea. ooh - what is it? so people love iphone xr, right? well, it does have an incredible camera. and it comes in all those amazing colors. uh-huh. wha

>> jimmy: i've been seeing a a speech coachal >> steve: re >> jimmy: yeah >> steve: where at >> jimmy: over in the chelsea piers. [ light laughter ] >> steve: chelsea piers? >> jimmy: chelsea piers -- >> steve: a speech coach at chelsea -- >> jimmy: yeah, over - yeah, over by, you know, the golf - the driving range. >> steve: and how -- [ light aughter ] how do youually -- how do they do the class i mean, what do you do there >> jimmy: well, once we get -- >> steve: throw softballs at you? and you hit 'em th a ball? >> jimmy: well, once we get there, we sit dewn in a -- >> steve: sit dewn, yeahmy [ light laughter ]n a churr. and we have a discussion [ light laughter ] >> steve: is your speech coach s fromweden? [ laughter ] is this a swedish -- j >>my: ya, ya ya sure. ya >> steve: it's the swedish chef he's a muppet.'s correct [ laughter ] these are the books, right there. that's t books right there so you don't know which one's gonna win. but i think it's -ng it's goio be one of these two, i think >> steve: wait, you don't know >> jimmy: i do know. >> steve: oh [ light laughter ] >>

and now, most likely, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy sha ji l host of the show. thanks for watching, thank you for coming and being a part of my life. i appreciate you. it's very nice and thank you for joining us as we gear up for the big event tomorrow, live from congress, the robert mueller show. the special counsel will at long last appear before the special committee to talk about his report on collusion basically, he's allowed to answer questions about anything as long as we already know it or don't care about it, so the justice department has instructed robert mueller to quote, remain within boundaries. is that necessary? he seems to me like, robert mueller is the guy who use the dividers in the grocery store checkout line even when there's nobody behind him. the president weighed in on this and wrote highly conflicted robert mueller should not be given another bite at the apple. in the end it will be bad for him and the phony democrats in congress who have done nothing but waste time on this ridiculous witch-hunt. no obstruction, no collusion. if you type

a star. >> jimmy: there's another star >> and another one >> jimmy: a star >> a star. >> jimmy: star >> star. >> jimmy: star >> star. >> jimmy: star >> star. star, star, star [ cheers and applause ♪ it's so coo being here with yo two stings on the moon ♪ ♪ every day is so brand new two stings on the moon it's warm in space ♪ ♪ with you my frien two stings on the moon when do you think ♪ ♪ this song might end two stings o two stings on the moon ♪ [ cheers and applause >> hey ♪ the song will end the song will en quite soon ♪ [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause [ harmonizing [ cheers and applause [ coughing ] [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ with advanced automotive technology, available on the nissan rogue, you'll be equipped to help protect the moments that matter most. this is tech that gives you confidence. this is nissan intelligent mobility. this is you shopping. and this is you maximizing at t.j.maxx. get more of the brands you love and quality you want, and save every time. it's not shopping, it's maximizing. maxx life at t.j.maxx. ♪ protect your pet w

and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for joining us here in sunny los angeles where a, anyone still feeling nervous about the earthquakes? we had two big earthquakes, as you likely know, over the weekend. god tried the bottle cap challenge this weekend with all the bottles in california. and now, now, as the aftershocks die down, we're just sitting here waiting for the next one. guillermo, are you prepared for an earthquake? >> yes, of course. >> jimmy: do you have an emergency kit at home? >> yes, i do. we're going to get under the table and backpack by the door with water. >> jimmy: do you have the backpack itself? >> yes. >> jimmy: what's in it? >> water, cookies and tequila. >> jimmy: okay. [cheers and applause] >> i do. >> jimmy: that would be fine if were you the cookie monster, but you need to have bandages. you need iodine, you need all of that stuff. in fact, i went online, and i've been looking at emergency-type products. this is how i calm myself down. i go and buy things. but t

lee >> jimmy: spike lee. >> jimmy: i love spike [ cheers ] >> me too. >> jimmy: that's amazing do you know where the placement is gonna be, or not yet? >> i hope it's a good placement like -- i hope it -- you kn, what let me shut up [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, noit she appreciates >> over there. >> jimmy: she loves it anywhere yeah i thought like, we should do like hollywood a walk of fame a likeew york hall of fame here in new york city? >> you know what oh my -- >> jimmy: i think -- >> that's a great idea [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: there's so many tongists, and a lot of walki >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's a very walkable city we should do something like that here. >> well you guys do a lot of walking here >> jimmy: we do. >> yeah, i drive around the corner, which is bad you need to walk around the corner, people >> jimmy: no, no [ laughter that's l.a that's california. >> we do we do drive everywhere >> jimmy: in california, they're like, "oh, my gosh walk." like the best place to i go, "where?" and she goes, "just take the 405 to the 1 >> jimmy: i go, "i have to drive to walk?o >

. >> jimmy: there we go. mr. kaempfer and jimmy, jimmy and tommy, everybody. we'll be right back with iron mike tyson. [cheers and applause] ♪ oral defense, daily oral health chews. because for a healthy life your dog needs a healthy mouth... more than just fresh breath. frontline oral defense prevents plaque build-up and bad breath before they start. it works two ways. it scrubs down to the gum line, then the heart shaped center coats for a whole mouth clean. and a mouth that stays clean can help a dog stay healthy. because no matter how old your dog gets she'll always be your puppy. new frontline oral defense. when crabe stronger...strong, with new nicorette coated ice mint. layered with flavor... it's the first and only coated nicotine lozenge. for an amazing taste... ...that outlasts your craving. new nicorette ice mint. you lease the latest iphone and you'll get an iphone xr on us, switch to sprint and double the fun. which has a longer lasting battery life. keep one for yourself and give one to a friend. yeah, so then we can talk talk talk talk talk ta

>> jimmy: yeah >> you're invited. >> jimmy: no, me and you are going to dinner. >> yes, just us. >> jimmy: i didn't know if you want to tell everybody but yeah >> yeah, yeah. we're going to dinner, and then - >> jimmy: we're going to go to dinner tonight, wow, i'm so psyched. >> i -- i try to invite anybody rich because - [ laughter ] i just want somebody to buy. 'cause i'm going to eat and drink a lot and -- >> jimmy: and you're not paying for it >> no, no. i'm calling all credit cards beep, beep, beep, beep, beep [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god >> i called chris rock, he goes, "i'm in toronto. i go, "you can call in a credit card [ laughter ] i mean, you could surprise me. >> jimmy: yeah but no, it's -- one time, you know, i tried to -- you know, sandler -- we always talk about all these names, not to name drop -- yes to name drop, but also - [ laughter ] because of old "saturday night live" stories. but adam once -- he always buys me dinner. you know he's a nice guy and his wallet's about 10 feet tall. [ light laughter ] and then he has to bend it [ laughter ] but we were all out --

." >> jimmy: wow. >> so -- >> jimmy: what did you do? >> i just -- i'm like, you can turn the game back on. it's okay. but i eded the $100 they were giving me. so i'm like, "can i just entertain your wives?" and there's like -- their wives are just pounding drinks in the corner >> jimmy: yeah >> and so i just sat down with them, and sort of, conversationally did my act. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it was a s -down standup? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i had a -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: similar gig. it was toughi d west point and i went in and they had - there's like - >> one one in every crowd >> jimmy: one in every cro [ light laughter ] it was like a ratskeller, or some pub, or whatever they all just hang out. and again, they didn't announce it was comedy night or whatever h and people were justging out there. and i go, "where's the microphone?" the guy goes, "oh, there's no mic. and i go - >> it's right here light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's like, "how do i -- how do we know that --" he goes, "i'll just tell everyone to be quiet." i go, "this is terrible.

they sold that years ago. >> jimmy: it's a very good point. >> jimmy is so naive. >> jimmy: i know. i was not selling crack in the 80s. i was working at miller's outpost, selling levi's. it's a different upbringing. >> lees were hot then. >> jimmy: lees were. no. this is post lee time. >> i bought lees when i went through my cowboy phase. i name is tracy morgan aka true grit. aka cacaligula. >> jimmy: bootleg or straight leg? >> i wore boot cut singing. i'd better stop singing. i'll get sued. ♪ you got to count your money when the crack head is coming down the street ♪ >> jimmy: very well done. i know you are right now -- you're in the frame of mind of hosting the espys on wednesday nights. >> espys. that's like the sports oscars. >> jimmy: it is. >> you hosted everything. >> jimmy: i did host that show. >> i went to that thing in the white house, the dinner? >> jimmy: yeah. >> you hosted that. >> jimmy: i know. i was there. >> yeah. i love you. i love being there, man. i just love me some corrupt senators. >> jimmy: have you been watching women's soccer? have you watched the wo

[ knocking ] >> jimmy, show is in two minutes. >> jimmy: be right there stephen? stephen, you there >> yeah, i'm here, jimmyst i'm ju trying on a new bandana. i'll tell you what, let's change frequencies t the writers listenthis one [ static ] that better. what's up?im >> j: hey, i just want to wish you good luck this week i know we're both back with new shows. so, good luck. >> aw, thanks, jimmy hey, man, do you wanna do that thing? >> jimmy: right now? >>eah. let's do it. >> okay. ♪ turn arndt look aat you see e mirror of your dreams ♪ ♪ make believ i'm everywhere given in the light ♪ ♪ written on the pager is the answeto a never ending story♪ ♪ ahh >> hey you're doing the thing from "stranger things." >> jimmy: what >> the thing from "stranger things." the "stranger things" thing. love that thing. >> why was he talking about "strger things"? >> jimmy: i don't know never seen it. ♪ never ending story [ cheers and applause ♪ >> sve: from 30 rockefeller plaza here in new york city, rr's "the tonight show stag jimmy fallon." and now, here's your h

[ lahter ] you've got - >> jimmy: right, right so hands high is - >> hi. >> jimmy: yeahh. >> >> jimmy: just, why not? [ cheers and applause and bring back the wave. >> yeah. >> jimmy: the wave should exist. >> yeah.'v so ygot, like, this entrepreneurial itch >> jimmy: can i pitch you some dumb ideas >> you want to pitch me? >> jimmy: yeah, i'd love to. [ light laughter ] h yeah, i really want r if you -- i have a great -- ready for my new idea >> okay. >> jimmy: all righ 's called -- it's called veyetamins >> okay. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: but e-y-e. they're eye drops. eye drop vitamins. >> eye drop vitamins >> jimmy: veyetamins >> for your eye drops. >> jimmy: so people that don't like taking pills. >> yeah. >> jimmy: or swallowing -- and you want vitamin c, drop, drop >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: veyetamins [ applause ] no >> yeah -- yeah. yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, how about this this one's a slam dunk >> okay. >> jimmy: all right, kraft singles. right? >> right, yeah >> jimmy: make them into circles. [ laughter ] for hamburgers why is there a square on my burger

jimmy: yes. >> oh, hello again >> jimmy: yes. so, hello again. >> i'm a director. >> jimmy: i'm meeting you for the first time >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i think you would be a great director >> thank you >> jimmy: i know you from ucb, upright citizens brigade you directed shows there [ applause ] but, i mean, this is a big deal >> yeah, this is my first feature. i've done television but this is the first feature i've done. >> jimmy: well, you knocked it out of the park. it's great >> thanks, dude. >> jimmy: you've got a great crew of -- >> the best. >> jimmy: what a cast. >> yes >> jimmy: paula pell >> yes >> jimmy: tina fey [ cheers ] >> yes >> jimmy: rachel dratch. [ cheers and applause ana gasteyer holy moly. >> murderer's row. >> jimmy: murderer's row >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean the funniest people out there >> yeah, it wasn't that hard >> jimmy: to make them laugh >> no, it wasn't so hard they're just so funny and so talented and so good >> jimmy: yeah >> i mean, my job was just to get them to stop talking - [ laughter ] to eac