>> jimmy -- >> jimmy: yes? >> i'm high as giraffe booty on mars right now. >> jimmy: there we go. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: pretty good, right? not bad at all. all right. well, we have gifts for you. what gifts do we have for the gang here? we've got -- oh, look at that, a tambourine. and we've got another tambourine. and then we've got another tambourine. all right, thank you all for playing "are you high?" should we do another round? it's fun. by the way, crystal's probably wondering what that creature who handed her the tambourine was, whether that really happened or not. all right, hello there, contestants. how are you? let's start on the left side again and meet horace. hi, horace. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: not a lot of guys named history mass nowadays. >> i've only met a couple in my life. >> jimmy: does everybody call you horace or there is a nickname? >> everybody calls me horace. >> jimmy: what do you do for work, horace? >> i'm a software engineer. >> jimmy: okay, horace. can we zoom real quic

[ cheers ] >> jimmy: hey. it makes me feel - it makes me feel at home because i usually get a lot of applause no, wait [ laughter ] [ applause ] all right. all right. that was a-- it's a bedroom joke but, whatever. hey, look. [ laughter ] i used to get a lot of boos if you know what i'm talking about. [ laughter ] not anymore. not anymore. i get a lot of applause in the bedroom. [ laughter ] starts off with a little bit of booze. [ laughter ] hey, let's get to the news and jokes. those jokes aren't written, guys that's just coming off the top of my head i'm just riffing >> questlove: freestyle. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: let's get to the news and jokes. [ laughter ] well, guys, the presidential election is in just two weeks. it's so close. that's just one quarantine away, if you think about it. [ laughter ] yeah, before we started the show guys, i just want to remind everyone to vote. seriously, if you haven't registered yet, do it right now. this isn't something you put off like a dentist appointment, or

i met jimmy carter. he actually came to the premiere of "city slickers 2" in atlanta at the fox theater. and he came dressed as a cowboy. that was the greatest. he did. and clinton. trump. and -- >> jimmy: the bushes? >> oh, both bushes. the whole garden. i got the whole garden. [ laughter ] we were screening "61," the movie i directed about roger maris and mickey mantle at the white house for president bush. and it's in the white house screening room. and all of these, you know, hotshot guys and gals were there and the movie opens with three really dirty, rough jokes that mickey mantle says, who's played by tom jane. and i was like a little nervous about it because of the women in the crowd and so on and so forth, and the president, i said to him, there's only three more of those. and he goes, "bring 'em on." and so in the movie roger maris, who's played by barry pepper, hits his 53rd home run, and we show it and i have this right-handed pitcher named frank larry throw the pitch and maris' home run. and

it's called vibing, jimmy. >> jimmy: you guys. let's play a clip of -- >> sorry. >> jimmy: you're bald on the show this year. >> i did a body transfer. >> jimmy: you didn't just wax your hair, though, of course. >> yes. >> jimmy: take a look. >> oh! oh, one, two, three for you. great, great. uh-huh. >> do you want something to hold? >> yeah, like a teddy bear. thank you. the counting is going to start. i can tell. when do you want me to start counting? three, two, one -- [ applause ] >> i realize without any context or setup, you guys just watched snuff footage. [ laughter ] i do like a body transformation every year. so last season, i lost weight, i grew out my hair, nails, i got really pale. this season i wanted to do everything the opposite. i got rid of all my body hair, head bald, tanned, bleached my teeth, manicured my nails. then i waxed my pubis and anus. >> jimmy: scale of 1 to 10, how painful was that? >> excruciating pain. unbelievable pain. women are stronger and braver than men. they have to create life and pass it th

: oh, yeah >> so -- i'm, like, super tired after working out. >> jimmy: yeah >> and during. >> jimmy: yeah >> and dreading before >> jimmy: while you were in quarantine, i also saw a couple things on instagram, i follow you, you're a good follow, by the way, there's many things you do one that i'm obsessed with is your cooking videos. i could watch you -- you should do a show i would watch every single week i would tune in. i love it. it's so -- i just, you got a a knack for it >> thank you that's so nice i feel like i don't really have a lot of skill so i always feel like if i can do it, anyone can do it. and feel like sharing those things, cause i know i've gotten so many great recipes and stuff from instagram, from other people that i follow and it definitely is easier now that we're cooking every meal, pretty much. >> jimmy: yeah, but no it think i disagree. i think you have skill you know exactly - >> thank you >> jimmy: everything is chopped perfectly. it's really, honestly, i'm obsessed and it's also vegetarian, or is it vegan, even >> yes yes. i'm vegan, and a lot of people th

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and applause >> jimmy: hey. thank you very much, everybody well, guys the big news, of course, is that the president and the first lady have tested positive for coronavirus and any other time in history this would be the craziest story of all time in the year 2020, it's friday. [ laughter ] seriously when the news broke, "20/20" was like, "come on, you had to see this one coming." [ laughter ] i actually didn't see this coming last night, i went to bed thinking tonight's whole monologue would be about nasa calling off their mission to send a $23 million toilet to space. [ laughter ] >> questlove: what >> jimmy: we had 300 jokes on that [ laughter ] unlike the presidential debate, i hope people can learn from this if the most powerful, most protected person on earth can get covid-19, anyone can and no one should have to suffer through this horrible virus. but, yeah, in the middle of night, trump confirmed the test results by tweeting, "tonight, the first lady and i tested positive for covid-19. we will begin our

easy >> jimmy: really >> easy. >> jimmy: about myself - >> got it. >> jimmy: one, two, three. i'm too nice >> your forehead your forehead. no [ buzzer ] wait a second, jimmy no, jimmy. >> jimmy: why do you think i'd want to change my forehead >> because it's so big i thought that you didn't -- it's a lot of space. >> jimmy: same size as your forehead >> yeah, but we got two different shaped heads you've got a lot of travel space -- >> jimmy: i'm irish. >> -- between your eyes. yeah, that's what i'm saying i thought you wanted to condense it a little bit >> jimmy: i've never heard of someone condensing their forehead >> all right, well then, maybe i guessed that wrong i thought -- i assumed, because of the space in there, that'd you would have wanted to take it out >> jimmy: kevin, lets -- >> it's like closing up a highway. >> jimmy: this -- this is -- this is the last question. this one is for all the marbles. this is to say, are we best friends or are we not best friends, okay? >> okay, we're going to get this one >> jimmy: go for it. >> all right are you ready? >> jimmy: yea

long stretch in prison. >> jimmy: what was longest amount of time -- >> what a segue, jimmy. >> jimmy: without being in front of audience. stand-up since you were a kid, how long before this you had not appeared in front of audience? >> forever, probably 40 years. >> jimmy: see, becomes part of your life. >> it is part of my life. hardest part of me, i miss it like a dead friend. every other weekend i was on the road. briefly, i did weekends. but it broke up the month. i mean i like l.a., i don't like it that much. especially when it's on fire half the time. >> jimmy: it's nice to leave. >> being on the road fed my other show, also i was in front of a real crowd. my studio audience, i love them but i fight with them because they're too politically correct. whereas the crowd on the road which pays to come -- >> jimmy: they're all in. >> they want me to be fully who i am. and i am on the show too but that's why i fight with them sometimes. >> jimmy: you do sometimes fight with the audience, i like that. >> because they're wrong. >> jimmy: i enjoy when you fight with the audience. when i

>> jimmy: i know. normally if you drive by joe biden you're yelling to tell him his blinkers are on. cases of covid are going up in more than 30 states, and this is alarming too. yesterday, they confirmed the first re-infection in the united states, and the second time was reportedly worse than the first. that's how it usually goes with sequels. but the president doesn't want to hear it. instead of the virus, he's fighting dr. fauci. the trump campaign, upset dr. fauci, they took a quote of his out of context to make it appear he's praising the president and put it in a campaign ad. fauci goes to great lengths to stay out of pot ticks so he criticized the campaign, he recommended they pull the ad, he even suggested if they do it again it could backfire, was his quote. trump, of course, demands blind, stupid loyalty so he fired back with a tweet mocking, tony's pitching arm is far more accurate than his prognostications, and despite the doctor's warning, trump is doubling down on phony fauci endorsement

>> jimmy: yeah >> and "bathroom wall" nothing >> jimmy: "bathroom wall" nothing. "blow your pants off." >> that's -- wait a second there's a bigger story here. and it's about "bathroom wall" nothing. i'm happy for you for "blowing your pants off," and good job. this is -- it's just not fair, man. >> jimmy: thank you, finally we can call the academy and talk to somebody >> oh man! >> jimmy: all right, kevin, time for the final round this is for you. you asked your question about yourself and if i get this right, i'm the winner >> all right, here we go which of these is not a real animated character i voiced in a movie? "a," old man mian. "b," otis the cow. or "c," officer landers. >> jimmy: this is insane is not a real animated character you voice in the movie? old man mian otto the cow that's pretty cute >> otis. >> jimmy: sorry. otis the cow >> yeah. >> jimmy: that was a trick question i just wanted to see if you reacted. you did. you took the bait on that one. >> nice setup. nice setup >> jimmy: no problem so that one's real officer landers. that seems a little

>> jimmy: i had to sign up for a whole new thing. >> tariq: it's crazy >> jimmy: hbo max. a whole new jam. >> tariq: you can never find -- like if you don't watch something in its entirety, you can never get back to the platform that you were watching it on. it's like, "wait, where did this thing --" >> jimmy: yeah, where did i find that? >> tariq: yeah >> jimmy: well, this, i found -- i read about it, and then, i found it, and then, i signed up, and i'm on that but this thing isn't a whole jam. you only get two -- it's only up to like two or three -- >> tariq: yeah, yeah it's, you know, a little bit at a time i've been watching that too, "the vow." >> jimmy: it's fantastic you see it, quest? >> questlove: i have not seen it, no >> jimmy: dude, it is nuts real deal, real deal craziness it's wild. i watched that i watched "class action park" on hbo max again i feel like a -- boar's head [ laughter ] there's an nbc show. but, no, "class action park," have you seen that >> tariq: no >> jimmy: have you seen that, you guys it's a real thing. anyone here seen that? it's -- gerar

>> jimmy, no. even though i did a year of computer science, as it was called, at queen's university, belfast, in 1971 to '72 -- >> jimmy: is that right? >> excruciatingly painful. >> jimmy: what was computer science like in 1971, '72? did you have a computer? >> there was a computer in the back room that we, the students, never saw. the teacher, professor, went to open the door. you could hear it going hummmm! i think it was the size of a small room, i was told. you never saw it. >> jimmy: why didn't they show you? >> we had these little programs that were incredibly too logical for my mind. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> a leads to b leads to c leads to d. i was useless at it, i was useless. it was like an episode out of "dr. who." every time this door would open you would hear the hum of this strange machine. >> jimmy: are you sure it wasn't a vending machine back there, he was just back having a soda or something? >> i did the course with my sister, who started university at the same time as i did. and sh

and now, jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us for -- boy, i woke up this morning and got one heck of a surprise. did you know that today is october? >> it's october, can you believe it? >> october the 1st already. >> can you believe it? >> no. >> october 1st, can you believe it? >> october 1st. >> can you believe it? >> october 1st, can you believe it? >> october 1st, can you believe it? >> october 1st, can you believe it? >> october. >> yeah, can you believe it? >> october. can you believe it? >> october 1st. >> i know. >> i'm lisa spooner. >> can you believe it? >> no. >> jimmy: yeah, it really came out of nowhere this year. yesterday, it was september, right? and then, all of a sudden! this has been another lousy week. we had a nice little distraction here in l.a., with the dodgers and the lakers, but between the virus and the debate, and the murder hornets are back again, the mood is grim. some local businesses though - are coming up with ways - to turn that around. this is a r

hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: hi. sorry we have a little bit of a delay so you are using the snoopy phone to help us out here. >> yes, it covers the world and it comes right back here. >> jimmy: you look great, by the way. >> jimmy: have you been working out? you look really good. >> thank you. i was working out a lot until july. >> jimmy: what happened? >> god, i wish we had done this months ago. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: about two weeks ago, you turned 70 years old. did you ever imagine yourself as a 70-year-old human being? >> no, i don't think anyone would or should. i don't think you should do that. it's not -- it's -- it's not the way we -- i don't even think of that anyway, i think -- i still think i'd be tried as a juvenile if i got into any trouble. >> jimmy: you had a birthday party at your son homer's new rockefeller center. you were careful, we have photographs from that event. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: you wore a mask to put your head in the cake. and everybody was wearing masks. was it fun with all the safety

♪ >> jimmy: yes. oh that's what i'm talking about. hi thank you very much. hey. welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show" everybody. we are here. [ cheers and applause studio 6a in new york city it feels good. thank you so much for watching let's get to the news and jokes. well, guys, i think it's fair to say that right now, america is at a crossroads it doesn't get much bigger than this so we begin tonight with our top story. >> get excited because mcdonald's is bringing back the mcrib. >> jimmy: that's right [ laughter ] americans were like finally, a a glimmer of home in the barren wasteland that's been 2020 [ laughter ] when he heard about it, trump dropped out of the race, and said, "i'm done. clearly, i've 'made america great again.' the mcrib. [ laughter ] somehow you know 2020 will wrap up with mcrib being the cure for covid. you know that, right [ laughter ] in other less exciting news, the election is just four days away [ laughter ] and trump is busy campaigning, but

and featuring the legendary roots crew and now, here's your host, jimmy fallon ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you! hi, everyone hello! thank you so much and welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. a big story just came out about something the trump administration decided to do or really not to do about the virus back in april. watch this >> there's new reporting in the "washington post" that the administration had a plan back in april to send 650 million masks by mail but the "post" reports the plan was scrapped because there were fears in the administration it might cause a panic. >> jimmy: when the news broke trump was like, "see, there was a plan, i just blocked it. yeah, trump nixed the plan even worse, it was after don jr. had already licked 2 million envelopes. "are you kidding me? the worst part was when they told trump the plan, his first comment was "let's e-mail the masks, it will be faster." trump decided he didn't want to create panic back in april i knew there wasn't that panic when i saw my neighbor walk to the mailbox each day with a jock strap on his face starting this weekend t

and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hi. oh, that's me. thank you, hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for joining us. we're just talking about the games. a big night for baseball fans here in l.a. [ cheers and applause ] the world series is under way. between the tampa bay rays and the l.a. dodgers, and it could not have come at a better time, this city needs a win right now. it's been, what, a week since the lakers won? a wrong week. they should call this one "the end of the world series." it's hard to focus on sports with this election coming up. the election's two weeks from today, which means we are only six months away from knowing who our next president will be. in l.a. county, if you vote in person on election day, you will not be required to wear a mask. voters who refuse to wear a mask will not be turned away. instead, they'll be escorted to an outdoor area to fill out their ballots there. you've heard of the smoking section? this is a karen corral. [ laughter and applause ] i get it, you can't deny you a

and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. hi, thanks. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching, thanks for joining us on a warm wednesday night in southern california. we're experiencing the calm before the storm right now. the election is fewer than three weeks away. have you noticed that they give you advice for election day, all of a sudden it sounds like an emergency preparedness pamphlet? it's like, locate your polling place in advance. bring bottled water. contact your neighbors. don't touch the doorknob if it's too hot. this could be quite a mess. there are already long lines. voting is under way in several states, including california, where not only are people casting their ballots, they're also cleaning them. >> sacramento county officials are asking people to stop disinfecting their mail-in ballots. the registrar of voters says they have received at least 100 ballots damaged by disinfecting alcohol spray. in one case the registrar says someone microwaved their ballot. >> jimmy: well. that makes sense. what set

and now, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for being with us. we're experiencing something rarely felt here in southern california lately. i think they call it happiness? do you remember that? [ laughter ] last night the dodgers beat the tampa bay rays. [ cheers and applause ] to win a first world series title in 32 years. and i got to say, besides seeing the dodgers win, it was exciting to see people touching each other again. it really was. you know, they held the world series at a neutral site in texas to protect the teams from covid-19. and it almost worked. dodgers third baseman, justin turner, was mysteriously pulled from the game after the seventh inning because his covid test results came back positive. why they didn't find out until the game was almost over i have no idea. major league baseball might want to invest in some slightly more rapid tests for the players. turner took all the necessary precautions, he left the field for 20 minutes, then came right back out on the field. [ laughter ] here he is after th

tonight, julie bowen, lamorne morris, and now, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. welcome again to those of you who joined us earlier tonight in primetime for our first game night special. tonight, from the basketbubble in orlando, game one of the nba finals between the lakers and the heat. it's la versus miami, lip injections vs butt implants. early voting for this series, by mail-in ballot, started monday. hopefully you participated. it's interesting, somehow, ten players fighting over one ball tonight was more organized than last night's two-person debate. this was a fun combination of politics and basketball. last night after the debate, hassan whiteside, of the portland trail blazers tweeted and then deleted, "i can't do this for four more years. f america bro. i'm moving to hawaii." which very recently, in 1959 became part of america, but. then he claimed he didn't write it, using the time of posting as evidence. he said it was photoshopped fake news. and "it's not even 9:36 where i'm at." and then everyone pointed out how time stamp

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: that's me, i'm jimmy kimmel. thanks for staying up late with us for a night of hot man-on-man debate action here in the united states. the "thrilla in nashvilla." the second and final presidential debate. and probably the last time joe biden and donald trump ever talk to each other. congratulations to those of you who bet joe biden would say "malarkey." he did. we cheered. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] tonight's debate was not the "wrestlemania" event most people were expecting. i think maybe somebody swapped trump's adderall out for tylenol. donald trump, by the way, is the only president who gets marks for good behavior. [ laughter ] like when you bring a 2-year-old on a plane. he tried very hard to resemble a human being tonight. the topics for this debate were american families, race in america, fighting covid-19, climate change, national security, and dipping sauces. [ laughter ] the president requested the last one. unfortunately for trump, he knows very little about any of these subjects. the only t

. >> jimmy: hashtag mood send >> jimmy to the floor, please. jimmy to the floor m♪ m♪ >> announcer: from rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show" starring jimmy fallon tonight, join jimmy and his guests, maya rudolph, matt bomer, musical guest 070 shake. and featuring the legendary "roots" crew and now, here's your host, jimmy fallon m♪ >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. hey. thank you so much, everybody welcome to "the tonight show." thank you so much for tuning in and watching our show. let's get to the news and jokes. well, guys, tonight, was the first and only vice presidential debate between mike pence and kamala harris in salt lake city, utah usually, vice presidential debates can be pretty boring so this year, they decided to spice things up and have it in utah when he heard the debate was in salt lake, mike pence was like, "ah, yes, sin city." [ laughter ] it was a big night democrats were hyping up the debate all day they were calling it the thrilla with vanilla with everything that's happened in the last

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, there, everyone. i'm jimmy, i am the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for joining me and the 20 members of our crew who will be pretending to laugh tonight. [ laughter ] you know, we've all been wondering when is life going to get back to normal? the answer is, how the hell would i know? even if we do get a vaccine, sometime in the next few months dr. fauci says we might not be back to normal until 2022. so hang on to your hydroxy if you still have the. [ laughter ] remember when we were kids and we all thought we'd have flying cars by 2022? now it's like, maybe in the future we'll be able to go to a movie without killing our grandma. [ laughter ] cases are going up and up about. i think they had the third-highest report of infections so far today. much of that is attributed to what they call pandemic fatigue. people are sick of being careful, so they relax, they start doing risky things. which i get it. but that's not the way it works. you can't just stop because it's annoying. it's a virus, not "glee." [ laughter ] you know

yeah >> jimmy: help me mama a verb ending in -ing. >> running >> jimmy: running. >> keep it pg. >> jimmy: chain restaurant >> ooh church's >> tariq: come on, man >> jimmy: wow. church's [ laughter ] amount of time >> 350 seconds >> jimmy: 350 seconds. a noise you'd make lifting heavy weights. oh, that's kind of loaded question there >> a grunt unh! >> jimmy: okay name a celebrity >> david hasselhoff. [ laughter ] >> questlove: wow. [ laughter ] >> i love that guy >> jimmy: verb ending in -ing. >> spelunking. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: spelunking things you'd shout if you found a raccoon in your house. >> kill him! tasty! >> jimmy: tasty, we'll use >> i'm telling you >> jimmy: item that you had in your teenage bedroom >> a refrigerator. >> tariq: word >> jimmy: you had a fridge in your teenage bedroom >> i had a fridge and a hot plate. i used to cook up whole meals. >> jimmy: a fridge and a -- fridge is great. all right. finally, a plural body part. >> foots >> jimmy: foots. [ laughter ] okay we filled out the words for our story. gosh, you're perfect for this. all right. ready to perform thi

it's too broad." >> jimmy: yeah >> "it's too cartoony. >> jimmy: exactly. >> you know. >> jimmy: so many things you go, "there's no way this is real." but yeah >> i know. >> jimmy: if you wrote it in a a script, you go, "that's too farfetched." >> oh, too farfetched for sure >> jimmy: you had a great tweet after -- there was a video of trump dancing at a rally that went viral. and he was doing this thing. and you said, "first of all, he stole 'veep,' now he is stealing from 'seinfeld.'" [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: so good. by the way - >> melania deserves an emmy for acting like she's attracted to this >> jimmy: how did you come up with that dance, by the way? i know everyone probably asked you about this but how? is it -- it's the funniest thing i have ever seen >> well, this is how it happened this is how it happened. so the writers wrote the script i got it the night before the table read, right? and it said, you know, "elaine dances weird." but they didn't say how or anything so i thought, "uhh." so, i got in front of the mirror and i tried out a couple of movements that i though

he's got a red jacket and everything >> jimmy: no way >> yeah. >> jimmy: i love that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i was going to say -- i was going to say "sound of music. >> oh, yeah. that's entirely possible, too. [ laughter ] i never had a chance at another living it was always going to be show tunes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. luis all right, the question was -- i asked lin, what is your dad's go to karaoke song >> well, it depends where in life you know, for a long time now, it has been "the greatest showman. [ laughter ] [ ding ] >> jimmy: that's what he said. he said, it's "greatest showman. [ laughter ] you're a big "greatest showman" fan. i love that. hugh jackman i love that you love that. >> yeah. i was going to wear my red jacket today [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. [ ding ] that's a double. you get double points. >> do i get an extra point for that i told him, he's got the red jacket and everything. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's good. he said the other one could have been "i've had the time of my life. >> from "dirty dancing." ♪ time of my life >> yes [ laughter ] >> j

now, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. we are here on a friday night. a very unusual friday night. just when you thought 2020 couldn't get any 2020-er, last night, it's around 10:00, i just got home from throwing my ballots in the river. my wife and i are on the bed. making love. which means i'm on my computer, she's on her phone. and all of a sudden, everyone we know is texting us. everyone. our friends, co-workers, my parents, her parents, their parents. who have been deceased for years. it was a text-plosion. because the president wrote on twitter. "tonight, @flotus and i tested positive for covid-19. we will begin our quarantine and recovery process immediately. we will get through this together!" which. i don't know who's writing this year, but it's too much. it's not even believable anymore. it's ridiculous. aides said the president appeared to be lethargic over the past few days. they got worried yesterday morning, when he couldn't smell his mcgriddle. trump was said to be experiencing "mild" symptoms. at around 6:2

go ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ [ buzzer ] >> jimmy, jimmy. winner is jimmy! ♪ >> jimmy >> jimmy: i knew you were going to make me win you just want to see me -- you want to see me out of breath the last matchup of round one, jin and suga ♪ [ game show sounds ] >> let's go. >> jimmy: calm >> calm! >> jimmy: calm >> calm! >> jimmy: ready, set, go ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh, suga >> whoa, whoa, whoa! >> jimmy: he's doing some yoga stretching, some back stretching [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: that is the move [drum roll ] >> winner is jin ♪ >> jimmy: oh, congrats all right, time to move on to the semifinals ♪ for this round, it's not just one emotion, it is experiences okay our first semifinal, v versus j-hope ♪ >> j-hope! [ game show sounds ] >> jimmy: wow. your jacket getting stuck in the car door ready? go ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh my god. oh my god. >> what, what, what, what? [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: oh my gosh that was so good i don't know who to pick they were both great [ drumroll ] >> j-hope! ♪ >> j-hope! >> jimmy: well done, well done i agree, j-hope, that was grea

and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, hi there. thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for joining us on what was another all caps day here in the usa. before we get into it, i want to mention that we lost another beloved american today. the great eddie van halen, who we were lucky enough to have on our show. you remember van halen was here? they played outside. i remember watching rehearsal and he just started noodling, he was just testing the equipment. and it was like magic was coming out of his guitar. eddie was a very nice and very funny guy. he lost a long and difficult battle with cancer. he will be missed by many, and i know we all send our best to his family and friends. what a rotten year this has been. every day it's just another punch in the gut. but this morning our president woke up and tweeted -- "feeling great!" so that's good news. he is all hopped up on dexamethasone right now. and to prove it he put out another "i'm physically marvelous" video today. >> i just left walter reed medical center, and it's really somethi

>> jimmy: yeah yeah, of course. you put that on yourself >> just like, yeah, carrying the weight of generations of unhappy women before me. so then, cut to a couple weeks later, we started shooting in this old mansion, and things just immediately started to going awry like, a number of crew members started complaining of, like, a weight, like feeling pressure on their chests. >> jimmy: what >> the lead actress in the movie, she left her dressing room to come shoot a scene she had her phone in there, which she locked like, she locked the screen. and she came down stairs and went back up to her dressing room and she opened her phone up and there was a photo waiting for her on her phone and it is like -- it's like what a ghost a tinder profile would be it's like what you think of when you think of a ghost and i >> jimmy: well, let's take a a look >> you have to s sent it to you because - >> jimmy: well, let's take a a look >> you have to see it to believe it >> jimmy: let me see what wait, what >> it's like -- so i was

and now here's your host, jimmy fallon ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: welcome. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show. we are coming at you from studio 6a here in rockefeller plaza in new york city let's get to the news and jokes. well guys, we are just one week away from election day [ applause ] i can't believe it's that soon i mean, it feels like the last four years have just really flown by seriously, every morning since 2016, democrats have been carving the days into the walls like they're doing time at rikers island. [ laughter ] if biden wins, democrats are gonna walk out of their houses with an extra 50 pounds of muscle and a jug of toilet wine [ laughter ] that's right, we're just seven days away from the election, and just seven months from knowing who won. that's exciting. [ audience groans yep. in seven days we'll find out if trump is sticking around or getting replaced like the bachelorette this week cannot go fast enough if you're looking for ways to pass the time, just ask joe biden to tell one story from high school my pall ski ball were

jimmy bond jimmy, jimmy bond. jimmy bond jimmy bond jimmy bond jim, jimmy bond. jimmy bond jimmy bond jimmy bond jim, jimmy bond. >> to die, no time >> jimmy bond, jim bond. >> no time to die, no time >> no time to die, no time >> jimmy bond. jimmy bond jimmy bond >> no time, to die no time. to die >> jimmy bond. jimmy bond >> jimmy bond. >> shakin. >> no time, to die no time. jimmy bond >> shaking >> no time, to die, no time. jimmy bond jimmy bond >> shakin. >> you are a genius. you are brilliant. you are brilliant. oh, my gosh. that is what i'm talking about two of the most talented people out there. thank you guys so much, when we come back, billie and finneous are debuting the first performance of the real "no time to die. you guys are the coolest come on. ♪ election..... (fishermanan vo) hohow do i register to vote? hmm!m!.. hmm!.. . hmm!.. (womoman on porcrch vo) can we votote by mail l here? (g(grandma vo)o) you'llll be safe, , right? (daughter vo) yes! (f(four girls s vo) ththe polls! v voted! (grandma vo) go out and vote! it's so imimportant! (man at p

how are you doing, jimmy. >> jimmy: pretty good. i know you are has been tabitat your family. >> we have three generations on the property. things are going pretty well depending on which news stations we let mom watch. about every two weeks we get together and have a, okay, we have been trying to see the upsides of this quarantine now, everyone, kids included. let's talk about what sucks about this quarantine and i don't care request you cuss about it. >> jimmy: how old are the kids now? >> we got 17 and 12. >> jimmy: and so you say use whatever language you want to use. and that is good? it blows off steam? >> it seems to help so far and they get a buzz out of using those words. >> jimmy: which kids curse? >> 7-year-old. >> jimmy: this book you have written, i read the whole thing. there is so much crazy stuff. for instance you talk about doing peyote in a cave with a mountain lion. that only gets one sentence. that's how jam packed it is. that's a true story? >> that's a true story. and the line that comes after that says i've al

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: well, thank you. hi. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. welcome, welcome. it's tuesday night, a week away from e.d., election day. i feel like i'm waiting for the results of a biopsy right now. that's the mood i'm in. you try to put it out of your mind, you try to think of other things, then you turn on the tv and they pull you right back in. >> do you believe it's already tuesday? >> a week away from election day. >> just seven days. >> it is one week until election day. >> exactly one week until election day. >> exactly a week until election day. >> exactly one week until election day. >> one week until election day. >> one week to election day. >> one week until election day. >> one week until election day. >> one week until election day. >> one week until election day. >> one week until election day. >> one week until election day. >> one week until election day. >> one week until election day. >> election day is one week from today. you believe it? >> election day, one week away, can you believe it? >> one week until election day, can

>> hello, jimmy! >> jimmy: nice to meet you over zoom >> i know. it's so nice to meet you this is so cool, this is so cool for me. i've been a huge fan of yours for a long time. so, this is insane >> jimmy: this is rad, i'm a a fan of yours as well i know you're busy prepping for the film version of "dear evan hanson." >> i can't even yell you, jimmy, i lterally cannot describe to you how excited i am i think i've only had three musical auditions in my whole life, and "evan hanson" was one of them. so, it feels insane that i'm going to be a part of that i've always wanted to do a a musical. >> jimmy: how did the other two auditions go not so good? >> well, not so good, but they were okay. >> jimmy: i had the worst audition ever in the history of the business i auditioned to be on broadway to be frankenstein >> on broadway >> jimmy: dude, it was, i'll never forget it, i'm honestly getting, i'm about to vomit right now. because i remember going to an apartment -- i'm not going to say who was who was casting me, but the piano player was there, and i g

in the world >> tariq: jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah, what's up, tariq? something you want to tell me? >> tariq: i just wanted to say that was beautiful [ laughter ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you trim your beard or something you look different >> tariq: no, man. it's a [ bleep ] squirrel on my head [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, listen to this i saw that the governor of california has a new recommendation for residents to safely eat at restaurants during the pandemic. >> the governor's office tweeted out saying "when you're eating out at a restaurant to keep your mask on in between bites of food. the tweet even shows an image of someone wearing a mask, then not wearing a mask, taking a a bite, and then putting the mask back on again >> jimmy: so you have to pull your mask down, you take a a bite then you put your mask back on, you chew, swallow, then repeat or you could just fill your mask with food and eat like a horse. [ laughter ] even donald trump was like - >> what? [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: "what? this is interesting. i saw that star

. >> jimmy: -- is microscopically small. >> yes. >> jimmy: no, no. >> there it is. >> jimmy: why do i feel like -- >> no, no, it's fine. one there. one there. >> jimmy: all right. borat -- >> hold on, hold on. >> jimmy: oh-oh. >> hold on, i see one. the green dot. the green -- careful, he ran away. he ran away, he is a coward! this coronavirus is a coward! he come back, i say come on! come on! i take you! coward! coward! corona-veer-rus! >> jimmy: borat, thank you for being here. >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: it's a pleasure to have you here. >> thank you. >> jimmy: did you get tested before -- >> did i --dy get -- i do not feel comfortable starting this interview until i have done basic questionnaire. >> jimmy: oh. >> health. >> jimmy: for me? >> to make sure that you are safe. >> jimmy: oh, okay, all right. oh, this is a real questionnaire, okay, all right. >> health questionnaire, normal kazak plague questionnaire. in the last week, have you been in the presence for more than 15 minutes of any jews? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes. all of our writers and none of our camera guys are

hi, jim. >> hi, jimmy how are you? >> jimmy: you look great >> you look really good too. i like this casual thing you have going >> jimmy: oh, thank you. >> you're welcome. >> jimmy: i always love seeing you and we always talk about new york city, because i know you're back in the city. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and i want to say i heard this before, right before the interview, but i didn't know that you had covid at one point. >> well, not everybody did but i figure, you know, why not talk about it with you on television >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. we had it. todd and i both had it early on it was, like, middle of march. and we didn't know what -- i'm sorry. i'm putting the dog down we didn't know what it was we thought we had colds. and, then, it seemed less likely and then, finally, we lost our sense of smell and taste and we were like - >> jimmy: you did. >> yeah. utterly. and it defied the descriptions for me i didn't realize how completely taste and smell could be gone. and when you're in quarantine, and there is really nothing to do but eat, oh, my god that was brutal. >> jim

>> jimmy: it doesn't matter, right? the philadelphia eagles. >> questlove: yeah >> jimmy: and the giants quarterback daniel jones tried running for an 88-yard touchdown. let's see how that went. >> from the 12 jones keeps. gets a block takes off, and he is gone! trying to stay upright, and he trips! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that felt like re-watching the last season of "game of thrones." like, yes, yes, y'all! well, the holidays are coming up, and southwest airlines just made a big announcement about their flights. take a look. >> southwest airlines is dropping a pandemic policy that provided more social distancing on flights it will no longer keep middle seats empty, starting december 1st southwest says air filtering and masks have created healthy environments aboard planes >> jimmy: come on. it's southwest the whole plane is a middle seat [ laughter ] you actually don't have to worry, because even the coronavirus doesn't want anything to do with the middle seat on southwest. the middle seat on southwest i would rather b

you know - >> jimmy: he's the best. >> he's the man. >> jimmy: dude, we hung out -- >> special >> jimmy: we hung out back in the day. like, when he was -- when he was just super -- just rising. we had some great stories i will tell you when the cameras are off. >> awesome hey, i missed my chance too. my brother was there, his last all-star game, and i got to stay, i was in the futures game and he walked out. my dad stuck out his hand, shook his hand, congratulated him and everything, and i just stood there. couldn't get a word out. you know, completely - >> jimmy: just -- just like -- >> moment completely passed me by >> jimmy: oh, that's even better though. it's a better story. >> --sucker and just watched him. and he walked away >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah, you know, it was unbelievable >> jimmy: it's honestly, it's a better story that way. because yeah, i like that. you're in the history books, pal. i mean, this season was unlike any other in baseball history, obviously. but spring training canceled the entire season shortened. then there was no fans what does it feel like when you're pla

hello. >> hi, jimmy! hi, everybody. jimmy! >> jimmy: wow, that's quite a beard you have there. >> it's disgusting. i'm sorry. it's not a beard. it's a mask. >> jimmy: no, they're different things. you can't just grow hair on your face and protect yourself. have you been listening to dr. fauci, adam? >> yeah. no. look jimmy, when i keep my mouth closed, it's a mask. >> jimmy: you have like a lumberjack look to you. you look different with the beard than i would have ever guessed. >> i don't look good. i know that but i am doing it for a movie. but my father had a beard my whole life and this is very similar the way his beard was. like, gray at the bottom. i don't have gray hair on my head, for some reason. but i got grays coming out the bottom here. >> yeah. for some reason, it comes out the bottom, first. it is very amish. it'ser have mennonite, your beard. >> nobody likes it, at all. people on the street go, no! no, adam. doing it for a movie. they go no movie, no go! >> jimmy: whose basketball shoes are those behind you? >>

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> hi, friends and lovers of basketball. i'm jimmy kimmel. we are coming to you in primetime for another, perhaps the final showdown between the heat of miami and the lakers of l.a. i have to admit, i love the lakers. i live in los angeles. but it's been hard to focus on basketball with everything that's going on in the news. the president gets coronavirus. right in the middle of the finals. the only thing i can compare this to? it reminds me of 1994 when oj jumped in the white bronco. while the knicks and rockets were in the nba finals. how crazy was that? the knicks were in the nba that the knicks were in the nba finals. there's no drummer, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. big difference between that situation and this one is that oj at least had the good sense to wear gloves. i have a lot riding on this series. specifically, a ride on dj khalid jet ski. dj khaled, lives in miami, and i made a bet. if the heat win, he gets my classic donkey kong junior arcade game. which would be a real bummer for me. my wife is hoping he wins. the lakers are looking

and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. welcome, greetings my fellow americans, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching in the aftermath of wrestlemania in cleveland tonight. it was the main event, sleepy versus sleazy. the first and hopefully the last debate between joe biden and donald trump. it got off to an interesting start, you know, they flipped a coin to determine who would get the first question, but when trump saw the quarter in the air, he said hey, that's how much i paid in taxes last year, and it went downhill from there. because of the pandemic, there's no opening handshake, no physical contact. the candidates remained socially distant the whole time. it was like date night with melania. biden faced an unusual challenge. how do you debate a pathological liar? it's like debating a parrot. you can make whatever points you want but you know the parrot's just going to say the same four things it knows and then maybe take a dump on "the new york times." there was plenty of back and forth. the candi

and now, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: hello, i'm jimmy. hey guess what? i'm back. we don't have an audience. there used to be people in this room, right? this is our first show from our studio since march. of 2018. i've been at home, working on a covid vaccine. i'm very close. and now, like the mcrib, i'm back. it is weird being back in an office after six months. we're being very careful. they divided the office into zones. we have zone a, zone b and zone c. i'm not sure if i'm hosting a show or boarding a southwest airlines flight. everyone is wearing masks and those clear plastic face shields. everyone looks like they're in a daft punk cover band. we have a small crew here in our studio. i need you guys to laugh, even if its not funny. dnchlths -- i said i need you guys. this must be what kim jong un feels like. is he still alive? or did he go when we were gone? remind me to call and check in on him. we have everything we need to do a show. except, for my little mustachioed angel. where is guillermo? isn't he supposed to be here? ♪ ♪ ♪ >>> all right, that'

tonight, borat, emma roberts and music from ozuna features doja cat, and now, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: hello. oh, that is right, hi everyone, thanks i appreciate it. i'm jimmy. thanks for watching i hope your monday was good, your weekend. something very strange happened to me over the weekend. sunday morning, i woke up. i was alone in the house. the kids were at their grandparents. my wife was walking for no reason. so i wake up, go to the kitchen and i notice that a bird has, what's the word we can use on tv, emptied on our door which is not great, but whatever, not a big deal. but then i'm looking at it and i'm wondering how did it hit at that angle? did the bird come in sideways, like it was sliding into second base? how did this get there? and that's when i realized that the pigeon guano was coming from inside the door! ♪ it was inside. i still don't know how it happened. from a physics standpoint, it doesn't make any sense. i guess, logic tells me that the door must have been open and the bird somehow edged over and did that thing birds love doing to us, the revenge of the bird

jimmy g. and george kittle. we are talking about jimmy garoppolo. it is the right ankle of jimmy g. you know it is a big deal. a high ankle sprain made it difficult for him to play. tonight janelle, they kept it simple for him. on 4th down, he connected with kittle. let's go right to the post-game, checking in with head coach child shanahan. >> i think when you get embarrassed like we did last week, you know, and when you get embarrassed like that, you can find out a lot about your team. we came in on monday it is a hard day. when stuff like that happens, guys give in or if it gets too hard, they try to hide or points fi fingers a little bit or guys trying to step it up. you see guys on the field on wednesday and i was very impressed with the character of our team and how players carry themselves from the way they came out to practice on wednesday and thursday and friday. they tried to get better this week and not worried about anything else and usually when dow that, you put together the type of practices and the results are better and i am glad they were and i thought they earned