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BONUS CREATURE POSTER! 


If you’re looking for more than 
CREATURE COMFORTS 


come to | | 


CIUBDRED 


located on the picturesque CRACKED LAGOON 


BARRY ROSENBLOOM 


director of publishing operations 


LOU SILVERSTONE CLIFF MOTT 
editor art director/associate editor 
SYLVESTER P. SMYTHE 


dungeon pinball machine rentals 


JOHN SEVERIN, LOU SILVERSTONE, RURIK TYLER, 
WALTER BROGAN, MIKE RICIGLIANO, DON OREHEK, 
GARY FIELDS, GEORGE GLADIR, ROB ORZECHOWSKI, 
FRANK CARUSO, BILL BURKE, KENT GAMBLE, 
SHAWN KERRI, ARNOLDO FRANCHIONI, 
STEVE STRANGIO, writers & artists 


hideous contents 


ADDARNS FAMILY ......0 00 ccc ecccvcvcvvvec cd 
CRYPTIC COMMERCIALS .............000002-. 8 
PARANOIA NEWS 1.0.00 .0 00sec cece ccee cee 10 
RURIK’S CREATURE... ...... 00.00 ccecveeeee IB 
HOW TO CURE SUPERSTITIONS ................16 
OLD MOVIE MONSTER FILMS UPDATED FOR TODAY .18 
| NEVER MET A MONSTER | DIDN’T LIKE!..........22 
DON OREHEK’S HORRIBLE HUMOR.............24 
SPIES & SABOTEURS IN AN EGYPTIAN TOMB ..... .26 
CRACKED INTERVIEWS FRANKENSTEIN, 

MONSTER KING 60.0 bec cite cc cee eens s (8 
IF OTHER ACTORS PLAYED THE PARTS 

MADE FAMOUS BY SOMEBODY ELSE ..........32 
MONSTER PARTY ....... 0 cc cccecccvcvceees 36 
TED sie tn a Pn so) 0's PROMS Sie ab > 9 ve Oe 
REAL SCARY HORROR VIDEOS .............+4.39 
MONSTEROUS MERRIMENT............++++++ 41 
Oe ye 43 


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an 


ADDAMS’ FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM ., . 


SEVERIN, front cover 
TYLER, full-length inside covers 
SEVERIN, back cover 


They’re back...America’s scariest family. No, we don’t mean the Kennedys; we’re talking real weirdos. Okay, we’ll give you a hint: The only 
plots on their shows were cemetery plots. Need another clue? Bah dah da da-bump snap snap! Yeah, they’ve returned to our TV screens 
in glorious black and white reruns... 


THE ADDARNS FAMILY 


(This is a PG-13 rated magazine) 


WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE ARTIST: WALTER BROGAN 


I’m Dr. Lecter, the school : Pace perhaps, were a Splendid, ae fathes 
sychologist. You, uh, children es, we're ere are some ; ; f 
gee wie having a difficult very proud of problems with It can’t be us; did you ever seea away the better 
time adjusting and making them, aren’t their home life. more normal family? It must be 
friends this neighborhood. For the sake 
a of the children, we’ll move. 


nom 


= 
fe 


giu 


mee 


You'll tike this pointes Well, I do 
house, it’s Actually, oldman, } havea 
sunny and we’d like something | 
cheerful. | 

ve and dismal; with a . 
i j view of the 
cemetery. 


We'll take it! 
There’s a ghost || Name your price!! 
in the attic... 


Daddy, look, there’s |} That’s not fair,I || Better, the water jf Pie, ae a 
green slime dripping || want slime in my in your i Lares cr paces 
down my wall! bedroom, too! : bathroomis | ig : 


WW cv) 


Children, you know a ie | MS de Somebody moved 
buzzard has two necks! ip ql pilus into THAT 


q hous 


No one ever spends more 
than one night in that 
place, but let’s do the 
neighborly thing and 

welcome them. 


WN 
jie 


’ 
= 


= 


Hi, we’re your 
new neighbors. 
Oh, no! I mean, 
look, dear, it’s 


We prefer Uncle Pester 

playing with his bombs 

instead of his gun, he’s 
such a terrible shot. 


it’s 
delicious. 


Yes, it’s one of . 
those strange 
coincidences, 
without which 
there would be 
no sitcoms. 


Doctor, I want 
to thank you; 
moving here has 
done wonders 
for the children. 


That’s not true! I 
might not hit what I 
aim at but I always 

hit something. 


You know, 
this house 
is haunted! 


Mind if 
I join 
you ina 
smoke, 
Mon 
Petit 
Chou? 


You must try one of these. It’s chopped lizard 
gizzards on a Ritz cracker and eye of newt dip. 


That’s Uncle 
Pester, working 
on his nuclear 


{) i) 


Children, when you 
finish playing, I 
need that rope to tie 
up Uncle It. 
Tonight’s a full 


We’re having a 
barbecue this 
afternoon and you 
have to come. 


How about a 
swim, old 


No need to be 
alarmed. It’s a low 
radiation device. 


We won’t take no for 

an answer! Granny’s 

making her specialty; 
toad pudding. 


Yes, this house 
has everything. 


You’ve got to |} They moved out of their house on 
~~ get rid of my advice. I’ll tell them I was 

these people. || wrong; the children were better off 
in the old place. 


Zi SGHHH 
Gs fs ie h s., 
WLM ie § We ( 
nx ¢ ‘ 
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uy 


Whatever you . : : ries a ea 
3 ou must }} }lldiga || No, we'll drive over, I guess this place will |} No, no, we didn’t want you to be lonely so 
eee ote ©} promise #] tunnel from | I promise. Now be vacant again. we invited our cousins from California to 
we're going to |/"0 P8Y US }} your place {| you’d better go for live here. 
miss you and avisit. 1° toour jf the children’s sake. 
your charming | house. : 


a 
ey 


MOVERS Mpa ZS {neighbor TT 


(COMMERCIALS 


(<\\ (t 
iP ie, i : i 


3 YM...BI 
——FRANK N. STEIN DESIGNER JEANS 


DR. JECKYLL and MR. HYDE for LITE BEER 


After performing surgery, You may go for the classy look, 
I like to relax with a case... . In Gloria’s blue jeans, 

The beer | choose is Swiller Lite, Or you may like the rough look, 
Of course for its great taste, as worn my Springsteen! 

After | drink all 24, 

| get an urge to start killing! There’s just one jean 

Like night and day | change That may come between 

And state that it’s less filling! Brooke and her Calvin Kleins... 


That's this pair, designed by Frank N. Stein! 


NEED YOUR FINGER -e. 
CLAW PRINT... 


The MUMMY for CHARMEN GODZILLA for LESTERINE 

Mr. Whipple says, ‘‘Please don’t squeeze it!’’ : When stomping through those cities, 
He claims it’s soft as a feather! Wreaking pain and death, 

What he doesn’t know about the stuff, There’s one thing | worry about, 

Is that it keeps me together! And that is my bad breath! 

He knows. more than me about Charmen, That’s why | gargle with Lesterine, 

| wouldn’t even doubt it! I’m their biggest fan! 

I’m sure he even knows how it feels Now at least there’s a pleasant odor, 
To be stuck without it! As | burn down Japan! 


KING KONG for WINDREX ne The BLOB for DEX-O-TRIM 


| love to climb up buildings, 
but their windows end up as wrecks, 
Though clean up never bothers me, 


oy I’m trying to lose some weight, 
: | just can’t seem to win! 
a es : Now that they got all those diet pills, 


As long as | have Windrex! I'll try some DEX-O-TRIM! 

Squirt, squirt and some polishing, | know my problem! | eat too much 

| shine every pane and knob! of my massive dinners! 

The only thing that upsets me, Now at meals, | cut out fats 

Is when pigeons ruin my job! And eat only people who're thinner! 


“The INVISIBLE MAN for AMERICAN EXCESS 


Yeah, rm considered a celebrity, 
atitle thatis pretty fair. 

| Yet some times I’m treated by my publ, 

: Like y m not even there!” 


The ‘Amenean. Excess card p all I need, 
and my ID's rarely doubted... 
‘Cause like my pants and sagas 
| never leave home = it! 


ey 


j 


\ apie, Gi es r : ie Verei 


vied, M 


Xo) 
eee 
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oe 


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Schizo News June— 
or Was It July? 


me Say That 
) Z LE Z nM } Ip » 
i a | or 
g Z ee = = BE 


Incorporated 


Think! Forever With 
Are you Protecto-Suit 
; Completely 
Being , Soe Protects Your 
Deliberately Gf) | Sau comic Rave. 
ei erate ys ZN N m (And Sudden 
Poisoned \ Showers) 


By Deadly SE Be on, 51998 
X-Rays Frome Yh y J poriaaid ad 


Mailing 


en StS Ree ir ene Rena eenmem ire ee baht testers | 


| PROTECTO-SUIT INC. 
| FRUIT OF THE LOOMING, MAINE 


‘ NAME ...scs0e evcccee 0000000000000 0S COD ODDIE DODO OOOO OO ESET ODOOTEO009 ° 
ADDRESS..........ssssooscssscrosreccssecesesooees SIZE.....000008 


At Last! A Foolproof Way 
To Detect Poison In Your 


Just Put One — And Drinks! © 
‘ Poison Detecto 4 

In Your Drink Poison 

Or Meal... » Detected 59¢ 

If It Turns A Bottle 

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t... If You : 33 Arsenic Route: 

Turn Blue You're Throw-Up, Cal. 

In Trouble 


Don't Let hem 
He Your Phone! 


Enjoy Your Phone Without Fear Of 
Cosmic Or Communist Bugging! 
Cuts Off Relatives, Too 


Anti-Bug They're Bombing-the-Car, Olina, U.S.A. 


C00 CCCC COO CCOOSOCOOOOOOOLOOOOOSOOOOOOES 
Handbook Of 250,000 Known 
Subversive Organizations And 
How They Can Hurt You! 


2 
= 
a 
tate 


| 
Are You Being Followed? | 


Indicate Below How Many People Are Follow- 
ing You, What Organizations They Belong To, 
And What Planets They Are From. Tear Out 
and Send To Us. If You Win, We Will Send You 
To A Luxury Sanitarium Free Fer One Year. 


r 


PARANOIA NEWS EMPLOYEES MAY NOT ENTER 


PARANOIA NEWS 


©0000 00000000000 00000000000 0000000000000 8 000000000 0OOOOSOOOOOOOOOOOO9 00000000000 
PARANOIA NEWS {IS PUBLISHED BY THE CRAZY §$ PARANOIA NEW IS PUBLISHED FOR THOSE PEOPLE 


PUBLISHING COMPANY, OF LOOSENING, NEBRAS- ° WHO WISH TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST THE SUB- 
KA. IT INCORPORATES SCHIZOID NEWS AND THE $ VERSIVE FORCES ON OUR OWN PLANET AND 
DEMENTED DIGEST. SOLD ONLY IN THE U.S. AT $ OTHER PLANETS. .. . AND STOP LOOKING AT ME 
PLACES WHERE THEY CAN'T GET US. M4 THAT WAY! WHO DO I THINK YOU ARE, ANYHOW! 
000 0000000000000000000000000000000000000S0000000000000000000000000000000000000008 
TABLE OF CONTENTS 
What Do People Really Mean by “Hello?” .... .cccccccccccssscssesssecseseisae OF 
A Poodle Terrorized Me For Three DayS ...........::ccscccssssccccsscessteeesssesenneesaes 7 
| Was Followed By A Blind Marl... cece eecessecsssssscececssssssrecseesessessseees 9 
My Teddy Bear Is A Communist ................ccccecceeeeeeeeeee bic dk CR ia gh Maa ily 11 
| Get Threatening Letters From Quakers...........ccccccccsscseessssesesseceessserseeees 12 
My Radio Breaks DOWN ON PUrpOSel.........eeeeeescccscccssessssscsccsseceeeeeceseneecsacees 16 
BOOK BONUS A Handful of Subversive Outer-Space Organizations... 21 
The ASPCA Turned My Dog Against Me .........cccccccccsccsccessssescesseessensnevesses 23 
Is DDT Really the Breath-Spray Of A Communist Organization?............. 26 
How To Spot Deadly Weapons On A Beautiful Woman................05 Centerfold 
They Bugged My Son's Baby Cribl..........cccccccccccssssecsssssssssseescessnressenreeeees 28 
How To Avoid Poisoned Health Foods ...........cccccccccsesscccseceesscecesecsssseseeees 29 


CURRENT RECORDS 
Peter & The Psychos 7 


The Catatonics 
Sing: “My Love Lives Sing, “I Am 
Far Away On Mars” Communist Yellow” 


LF o 


° Baby Cora 


If 
4 6} 
Sings Her Latest, 


“They Bombed My WN y/ 


@ Playpen” 
TY VIII yy 


CURRENT NEWS 


Watch out for Communist literature on your cereal screwballs in the world today. 

boxes . . . and in those innocent menus you look at — What was really in those “Moon Stones” the Astro- 
in cafes and restaurants. Dora Demented is going nauts brought back? . . . one of the Astronauts has 
with Crazy Charlie . . . seems he protected her Rub- been getting headaches lately. WARNING! Simple, 
ber Duck during a deadly radiation raid from Venus ordinary Aspirin can be deadly . . . Wanda Wacky 
and she never forgot it. Sally Schizo just got a new took 26 bottles one day and she isn’t feeling too 
TV set . . . claimed the last one insulted her when well! EXTRA FLASH! I went to a Walt Disney film and 
she was alone . . . how crazy can you get? ... it in- watched in terror while the entire animal kingdom 


sulted her when she was with people too. Too many went Communist! 


CREATURE FROM THE CRACKED LAGOON! 


No way Dude, we don’t need 
another humanoid 
amphibian in our act. 


Pa Yeech! That’s the last time 
I don’t think we’re going to get we play hoops with the 
off as easy as the last time. creature! 


Aye, laddy we’re miles from Loch Ness, we have no 
sea monsters to worry about. 


Hi i if 


ale 
We 
we 


oe 


He 


we 


e 


Lp 
gh 
Baoan 
Panay 


a 


iH i 
Hn an 
itt 


i 


‘ual 
HT ae 


a 


I think there’s 
been a mistake. 


Tih 
i 


et oh 
eh 


iui 


bi 
wi 


i, 


HE 


ii i 
ela 


i 

ae 

a 
i 


Le 
7 


ee 


eben 


Doda ane a i ai 


ne , 


wa 


nah lar 
Wiles, 


as 
a 
Dy 


Penna 


This is cool—the scarier we look the 
faster they go. 


4 igi 


sien F 
| 
hee 


a 


Th ih Hh i he 
Ee Mi 


mi 


I told you not to buy a 
condo that was built over 
an old lagoon. 


So long and thanks for 
the Jacuzzi. 


You have a bad case of After Daddy gets a look at 
athlete’s foot—try and keep. 2 you, he’ll stop 
your feet dry. — complaining about my 
human boy friends. 


Superstitions are always a big drag to the people who 
have them. They make life miserable because you 
waste so much energy avoiding fears that are really 
imaginary. Now the best way to get rid of a silly su- 
perstition is to keep on doing just that thing you are 
afraid of. In this way you'll soon see how unfounded 


SESS EE 


Fear that walking undera Keep walking back and forth 
ladder will lead to harm. under ladder for about an hour. have left the spot unharmed. 


2 Sev 


Fear that breaking a mirror Go around and start break- You will soon find out you won't | 
brings seven year's bad luck. ing up every mirror in sight. have seven year's bad luck. 


| 


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‘You will soon became aware 
of their affection for you. 


\<t ow | 


\ 


Fear that lighting three Keep lighting cigarettes for | 
a match is very dangerous. every three you come across. removed from any danger. 


HE 


i hi 


ey 


| don’ know vot’s the matter vit me lately. | just don’ Z ; Something is wrong vit me. . .I 
have dat get-up-an’-go. | can’t seem to straighten out feel ayia ale ib res ask 
an’ fly right. | think I’ll see a doctor! oe me, | think I’m going bats! 


Doctor, | vant you to examine me an’ give it to You do look a little healthy. Your cheeks have color in 
me straight! Don’ hide anything. Remember. . . 28 them. . .that’s a bad sign. Maybe you’ve been biting off 
nobody makes a sucker out of me! more than you can chew lately? We’ll run a few tests! 


|| Well, the tests are back and they show you Vot is it, i ! , Your problem is. . .you 
a have an affliction. But it’s a common thing Doctor? : have too posure in 
that happens to a lot of middle-aged men - Vot’s | your cholesterol: 
who are hyperactive. . . 


Now for the finishing touches and, ina 
moment, | will have created this incredible 
monster... 


It’s alive! It’s moving! It really Oh, speak to me, you big beautiful blob you! I’ve 
works! I’ve done i created you out of nothing but nuts and bolts and 
now you’ve come to life! Oh, say those first words 

that will make medical history! 


Where are you going? Say 
something, blast yout here are 
you going? 


To see a lawyer! I’m suing you 
for malpractice!’ 


Help! Help! 
I’m being 
attacked! 


(groan) Now I'm back to my real 
self. ..Lawrence Talbot! 


YES, SANTA CLAUS, THERE IS.A VIRGINIA! 


UGH! The moon is going 
down! I’m (gasp) changing. . . 
(gulp). . .changing to what | 
was. .. 


Darn it! | can’t wait for the B one tine | 
next full moon. ..so | can turn A have any 
back into the Wolfman! eo 


fun! 


King of the Japanese 
Movie Monsters! 


Run for your lives! 
ls... J€8... . 
Godzilla! 


——, 
Neclclcleloi! 


| 


My God! He’s actually eating 
the buildings. .. the cars. . the 
people. . everything! 


Look! He’s. . .he’s going! 
He’s finished (yech) 
eating! 


THE SIX-MILLION DOLLAR MAN RUNS ON ONE-A-DAY MULTIPLE VITAMINS WITH IRON! 


n Hour Later 


. . an hour later 


you get hungry 
again! 


You know what they 
say about eating 
anything Oriental. . . 


Oh, no! Here he 
comes back! And 
eating again! 


if so surprised? 
| knew he’d be 
back! 


frrreccr 


ey car 


¢ ‘ 
ctr Toe 
Vl SA BERRA 
1? 


This funny fiend has been a regular CRACKED 
contributor since issue #1! So, we proudly 
present... ; 


DON OREHER’S 
HORRIBLE 
HUMOR 


by 
DON = 
OREHEK 
himself! fast 4 
| hope you folks don’t believe in Haunted Houses! | 
, ey, 


Fi ey ebay! sae 6 


But what happens when he gets tired of 
chasing sticks? 


Don’t worry! I'll pop him one in the nose and Can | use your shower? My lagoon has . 
he'll be a pussycat! become so polluted! 


ee negOR EE > vom 


| showed her her peanut butter and jelly 
sandwich under the microscope! 


Master, will you be going out for a bite, or 
would you prefer breakfast in bed? 


wow SPIES ANt 


DA Ib 


Look. THEY HAD FRepvie KRUEGER) FRANKENSTEIN 
AND WEREWOLES Back THEN | 


PHA 
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oF KING TUTS (4 


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KING FOOCH. “MUST HAVE 
ONE OF THE (/ CVT HIMSELF 
UAIRIEST SAVING 

PUAROAUS 4 \.A Lot! 


LOOK! 4HE PLANS foR  ~e 
BUILDING THE GREDT PYRAMID ! 


Hello out there, Okay, Frankie, | 
this is Nancy Dickering will. | must say 


and this month’s interview Call that you’re the f ee 
is with a true giant in __ me classic monster of Lichtenstein... | SAS< 
the entertainment world...the Frankie! all time. When you can say a 
acknowledged king of the they made you { Z 
movie monsters...none 


Poland... 


that originall A 
they threw away > ops —_ 


other than the mighty ae the mold! Tell | Say = /™ from all 
Frankenstein { me...where are 
monster himself! < you from 


originally? 


No, what | | took one 
mean is...where : look at 
were you first |. T ; your first myself and 
put together? ransylvania- | | reaction? said “Oh, 
_..by Doctor 
; boy, have | 
Frankenstein! got a 


malpractice 


Frankie...what 
was the biggest turned 
disappoint- down for 
ment of your the lead in 


) ‘‘Gone 
pagan | With The 


Wind!” 


I’m sure our 
readers would 
like your opinion 
of some of 


| see. Tell me about Only when 
| the rivet through your (FY | laugh! 
neck. Doesn’t it hurt Wf y 
something awful? 


A lot of laughs! 
‘A real howl! Only 
keep out of his way 


_ Others seem to 
like him, but for 
some reason | 

could never see 


your fellow That guy is 
monsters. really batty! 
Like, for 
example, 
Dracula? 


when the moon 
goes down...he’s 
just not himself! 


How about the [ae 


y Creature From Be Ath 
A nice fellow... y The Black Is he still in the 
but just too ‘ "4 business? | thought 


wrapped up : z he was all washed up! 
in himself! 


Let’s go back to 
your early 
beginnings. Tell 
me...how did you 
do at school? 


What do you do 
a whole day ? 


What's your 
favorite TV 


lwasbig f ee tiie, Bou 
manon “sf om =... they 
Is it true you ‘i : 
! i 
campus! went to Harvard studied 


Medical 
School? 


SS irc 


VIA 


A | hear you work & Yes, | get a real 
Z out by walking | charge 

A a=: along third rails? out of that! 
ZA 


TheElectric a 
Company! Man, | g 2 Howdo you (aamamumary 
that’s a real turn y ees i relatetothe | !haveno & 


‘ 1 trouble 
: ONO g 
| CPPosite sex? Hil picking up # 


Frankie...you're a A ’ A 
very powerful g ican tear FE 
guy! Justhow canine a 
st ‘ 5 

os p booth in 4 


You're probably the 
world’s most 
fearsome creature. 
Tell me...what is 


your greatest fear? 


SIKSt sy 


LyX 
Si 


That one day | 
might be 
recalled for 


defective parts! 


Thank you, Frankenstein 


What's 
your Picking up. a 
greatest the New York strona! 
feat of Sunday . 
Times with — 


svengint one hand! 


What advice ; 
have you got for That’s easy. Take 
young after me...get it all 
monsters just together first! 
starting out in 
the business? 


CRACKED? You 
mean this isn’t for 
FAMOUS 


monster! This is Nancy 
Dickering signing off for Te X\\ 
CRACKED Magazine! oe A : MONSTERS? 
fs res if E . \ aces, \ 


Hwy 


“"henever you turn on the TV to watch Kotter or go to a movie 
to see something like ‘‘The Godfather’’, if the performances of 
the leads are good, those actors in those parts are forever fused 
together in your mind as one. But what if others had played these 
roles? Would the movies or shows have been as good? No need ; 
to wonder any longer, for in this next article, CRACKED takes a 

look at what might have happened- | 


Fellows--- he’s [== 


Squint, we've been And we're You're sure enormous! | 


Bo out on this boat nearing him, | this isn’t 
IN over three years pe SUR 
\\ looking for that killer Those are fresh 
shark. fin prints in the 
water! . 


Gy, iy 
All right!...1'm 
going under in the 
cage and have a 
look at him. 


Sheriff, you should have |Z ty . That shark has had it 
seen him. He was j YY now...I'm gonna get tha! 
hideous and huge and... | 7 y : bloody beast if it’s the 


last thing | do. 
you hand me something 
to put on. 


‘4 He certainly is 
determined! 
Mi] 


uu ditt \ 


j eouvinsut yUeMAO[dueUN ZuTa[]oo Addevy st esou 
mo asneoeq got asou e UMOP 3uTUIN} st CHYOVUO 


It's no use. The shark has 
won! He's impossible 
to catch} 


get that slippery devil when everything 
| tried failed? 


Simple. | just 
< used a bait he 
liked better! 


MDG 


4 4 
Ay 


D Now what was this information 
you had on Coldfinger? 


IF WOODY ALLEN HAD BEEN CAST AS JAMES BON 


Oh, James! Thank you for meeting me. 
I've been so scared. Let me hold you! 


| have his address. 


Great. Maybe the three of us 
can get together sometime... 
play a little bridge...melt down 
a submarine... 


Torture me?...Why? 
You haven't even 
tasted the cookies yet! 


Yes? What is it?...Miss?...My 
analyst was right! One minute 
a woman wants your 
companionship and the next 
she won't even speak to you. 


Yes...oh,here. | brought 
you some cookies. 


And.so, Mr. Bond, we meet. 


4, ] CEC 
All A 
i COLD CRram 
BER COLD TuRKEY 


& 


——_ 


WHY AG” 
em, ‘a 


Wy 
GZ 
Vou 


VX 


hh 4 ae 


| will now run my icy pinky down 


om G 
your back until your spine freezes. | 5° that's why they 


call you Coldfinger! yy, 


What can that cheese blintz 
possibly do to me? 


Have you ever had 
one right before bed? 


gost Uc ee Yeah. Could you Z 
YH CA ASOT kill somobody else? FF 
A\. ee /, Pa 


Mr. Coldfinger, it's not Good-bye Mr. Oh, James. You were so brave. 
Coldfinger. 


» GMOS: 
Y UY ZA ‘ 
a blintz! It's a portable ial , " 
' ‘nuclear bomb! y y) a Where did you come from? & 
ahi YY, fy | stowed away in your blintz. < 
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TUA'S WHY 
WE CANS 
HIM 
SAMES / 
BOMB: 


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4 Really?...You're the best 
| stuffing a blintz ever had. 


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: ; ; Better yet, why not let / 
Gee. | just don't know | Why dont you just take the Pore decide for your. 


whether to take Cynthia| your sister instead? peur eine 
Melloncrate to the yy 
Hamster Hop or Mary 
Sue Wartw 


Ww 


GOLDEN mee te Oe y; Be yy 
GUB gub tome! YY G 


Waa 
(MG 


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j Suojjsenb [euosiod usu 004 
Syse ey esnBoeg yS1dj}BIYOASd Inod BurzjINb st GYYOVUO 


You are so cool, Fonz! ig 
RCA 


And Fonz, who are you taking? 
--The Polaski Sextuplets? 


The O'Brian twins? 


All right! | will 
take them both! 


Bleep beep. [ff 


Right! I'll teach Pm 
j~% them to share! Za Yj 
Y Z Ly 


Vf 


Yj 


Wow Fonz! 
WHAT A SET 
OF BOLTS.. 


ee arn he. a 
y AI fo tits od { (MR cere erence ne, y 
es SN Ej i ” 


per '|_ Bp fe? “ly 
<> 


EVERYBODY LOVES A GOOD PARTY ...EVEN MOVIE MONSTERS. 


We attended a Monster Benefit Party given in Hollywood recently for the benefit 


of all the movie monsters and found the affair to be as swinging as the Olde Ceme- 
tery Gate. 


at 


Ca 
roa 
\ 


Ri in 

Would you 

like to appear 

on my TV pro- | 
| gram? 


As what? ... }é 
‘| the lilole whine- KX 


\ Is that Tender 
Leaf tea you 
are drinking? 

SSS RUE 

I'd give my right 

arm to be able to 


attend your mas- 
ter's party! 


You can't beat the 
horses. | only bet 
on football teams. 


Yes! Let's go to my 
crypt for a little 
j necking! 


eS 
So you think I'm 
a toothsome 


dish. .. ‘ Wee (OR , 
| No, th yea My, bu thi 
I'm allergic to yr sd pudding tad 


Vampira, would youg .. Besides | 3 
ii like yours rare or well-|» “| you were 
quid diet! 


SES Na ; 
SASS uy NI'm so sorry to do! 
\\ To prevent inflation, | this to you, Vincent, 
I'm in favor of cut- bitewalee quaningl: 
out of sliced ham! 


js 
NK 


es. You take 
over the opera 
and I'll go to NG 
Man, | just digf 
monster parties! } 


/ What cah the 
Cat Girl see in 
a 


dite like that? Al | 
wy \ 


~ 
WE 


~~ and this punch will be 


Oe bate periect, Dr. Jekyll 
~ WZ; 


| hope they nit: 
a head on that! 


You're nibbling on 
The Blob, you slob! 


Ss fs 


Sy 
NSS RS 


MADAM 


ADVICE ‘TO 
MONSTERS 


COUNSEL YOU CAN'T GET ELSEWHERE, FROM A FRIGHT SISTER. 


Madame Fatal, Your Ladyship, 
I’m a very soft-spoken, solid citi- 
zen, law-abiding monster. But ever 
since grammar school, I’ve been 
afraid of being buried alive! We 
had this teacher in Third Grade, 
Miss Medusa, a real beast; with 
snakes in her hair and all! For pun- 
ishment, she would put us in a 
coffin and close the lid! Once, she 
left me in there through a whole 
Rest Period! How can I prevent my 
greatest fear—being buried 
alive?! 

Aramis Spindelgosh 
Hemp, New Hampshire 


Madame Fatal: Not to worry! 
There’s a firm in Velocity, Geor- 
gia, that manufactures the Ejec- 
tion Couch Coffin. A large 
explosive charge is situated just 
below the “departed”. Should 
the subject be alive, there is a 
switch primed for delayed deto- 
nation. Taking mourners and 
graveside diggers into consid- 
eration, of course. The charge 
has a shelf life of only TWO 
WEEKS. The erroneously in- 
terred has full grasp of the di- 
lemma in less than a week. You 
may see this wonderful labor- 
saving device in the current THE 
SHARPEST IMAGE catalogue. 


Dear Madame Fatal, 

We lost a good freak this week, 
Humpy Humperdinck, the 
38 


Hunchback of Sausalito. 
He wasn’t one of them bell-tower 
Hunchies; he had great respect for 
marine life and went around rub- 
bing sunscreen on beached whales. 
We wanna give him a burial at sea, 
that is, in the Bay. How can we 
make it into a first class event, for 
old Humpy? 

Friends of Humpy 

San Francisco, Ca. 


Madame Fatal: Roll him up in a 
sheet of canvas, in the shape of a 
humpback whale. Then, get 
yourselves a bunch of easy-flow 
markers, waterproof, and write 


bright sayings on the canvas 
shroud. You know, like, ‘It 
doesn’t get any better than 
this!”, and, “Beam me up, Nep- 
tune!” Then, ease him off the 
Golden Gate Bridge. 


Dear Madame Fatal, 
Our family’s been in the grave- 
robbing business for four gen- 
erations. We sell cadavers to 
unscrupulous medical schools. It’s 
become much more risky since 
great-great-grandfather estab- 
lished the business. You know, 
dealing with the punks who made a 
sacrilege of our anointed enter- 
prise, as they make a ruckus top- 
pling headstones. Besides, with all 
the gang wars there’s an overabun- 
dance of stiffs. Would you advise 
me to get into crematoriums? 
Reggie Mortis 
Mudslide, Tenn. 


Madame Fatal: No, no! There 
are more crematoriums in the | 
country than comedy clubs! For- 
get crematoriums, think ashes!! © 
It’s the big receptacle shortage, 
friend! Think “urns”!!! 


HORROR FILMS GEEM TO DIG INTO OUR MOST PERSONAL ‘ 
MOST HORRIFYING THING THAT YOU CAN THINK Cee UAC 
PEALING WITH YOUR RELATIVES L£/ A 


WRITER: GEORGE 


3 NN e 
YOU HAD THE WHOLE MIGHT | 
PLANNED, BUT YOU VIVN'T 
COUNT ON « 


o : 


SWE FORCES YOU TO EAT HER 
ERUITCAKE/SHE BOKES YOU 
WITH VACATION SLIDES -GHE 
KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE! 
N PRAY SHE MOVES TOMIAMIS 


am We 


E MEATLO, 
EMBs, OM /YOL RE 
ARRASSING MEs“ 


A phony 
ventriloquist 
act, eh? You 
know it might 

work! 


/ This is crazy, 


Al. It isn’t 
helping my 


\biccups at all. 


Ecch! 
I’ve had 
it with these 
black masses 
every Saturday 
night! | wanna 
gotoa 
discotheque 
for a change! 


Well, so 
much for 
scuba diving 
in Lake Erie... 


HII : 
THERE KIDS!!! 
It’s time once 
again for 
“Cartoons with 
Uncle Max”! 


OK, OK! 
So lain’t 
John Wayne. You 
want metosave | No kidding! 


you from these Only $19.95 for 
Indians or not??! a nifty wig 


like that??? 


What do you 
mean you forgot 
to pay the 
electricity 
bill??! 


What a 
horrible way 
to go—stabbed 
right in the 
gizzard with 
a carrot! 


Give me 
that knife! 
You obviously 
don’t know 
the first thing 
about slicing 
a pizza! 


IN THE GOOD OL’ DAYS, PARENTS COULD TELL THEIR CHILDREN 
HORROR STORIES TO KEEP THEM IN LINE... 


Yakoff...Hildy...if you vander avay 
_ from ze willage, ze e-e-ewil witch vill 
gitchya und cut you all up and bake 
you into a quiche vhich vill be zerved 
as a hors d’oeuvres during happy 
hour! 


BUT KIDS TODAY ARE TOO SOPHISTICATED TO BE INTIMIDATED BY STORIES OF MONS 
AND GHOSTS, SO YOU‘VE GOTTA TELL ‘EM... 


TERS 


ere! 
FOR ROCK GROUPIES: 


There were these two girls who were so 
obsessed with this rock band that they would 
do anything to meet them! When they finally 
got backstage, it turned out that all the guys 
in the band were married, and they turned 
the girls over to their opening act!! 


ThA art em 


View P< 
Or KON We 


— 
f Fi Be 
ste eS 


FOR SUMMER CAMPERS: 


Once, some bad campers wandered off and got lost in 
the woods! They were captured and brainwashed 
by a religious cult! They gave away their stereos and 
v.c.rs to the cult-and spent the rest of their lives 
begging for money at the airport! 


FOR ROWDY TRAVELERS: 


Some kids wouldn't behave on a long plane 
flight...they annoyed their mother and all the 
other passengers so much that the pilot landed 
in Iran and gave the kids to the Ayatollah 

- saying, “See what you can do with them!” 


| aie | 

f a 

H, to! » eo 
f Bigs 


FOR COLLEGE PARTY ANIMALS: 


A very smart boy went to school, but he partied every 
night and went skiing every weekend, so he flunked 
out and his Dad cut off his. money! He married a 
cocktail waitress, had 9 screaming kids and worked at 
McDonald's for the rest of his life! 


FOR CONSTANT TROUBLEMAKERS: 


A punk just couldn't be reformed, so a judge 

gave him a choice...the armed servies or jail! He 
chose the Marines and they made him an 
American Embassy guard in Lebanon! 


oo cy aman Ve TE ne wi ie 


VA MIBIAS 


tod 


Aue 


FOR HACKERS: 


This bad boy kept using his Daddy’s computer to 
break into his school records and other places he 
didn’t belong! One night, the FB.I. came through 
his window, arrested him and took him to the 

secret torture chamber located in Washington! 


we % “ff a co _ 
BUT IN ALL FAIRNESS, WE SHOULD ARM YOU KIDS WITH AT LEAST ONE REALLY SCARY STORY 


TO TELL YOUR FOLKS: 


There was this mean dad who never let his 
son stay up late and play with his computer! 
One day, the dad's tax records for the past 
twenty years mysteriously appeared on the 
1.R.S. computers! 


WRITER: GEORGE GLADIR 
ARTIST; GARY FIELDS 


easements 
emma ene 


oo . — : “ei an : 
AN AGANNEG FAMILY Trapies, er nt 6 & — ln 
— ; ete : HON : : Re rial 


. ¥ ies a SHOW THE KICE THE/2 
eRe LAMCORE RECORDE HON OF FRIZE KNICK KNACKE.,.. 

ee e sei hoe GARY PUGELEY RIPE LIZZY BYRVEN GS AXE, JACK THE RIPPERS 

OEE HIE FIRET PAIR OE FLY WINEE. SCALPEL, GENUINE EXKON O/L SPILL... 


@ FESTER BEAMS AT eae i 
Hig. NEPHEW F PROWESS ~- LUNEORTUNATELY, NO ME: 


TERING THE 
pete ARE AWARPED FOR MAS 
PI /E0N (ART GUN. 


spol TMAS TE 


THE ANNUAL AMCMIGHT FAMILY FILME RELINION... A COOP TIME WAS HAP BY ALL 
CLAN MEMBERS -- PARTICULARLY THE LONG PEPARTEP ONEE 


TAS A/S : 4 SEWER KAT- 
i) CASTER IE COMPLETE WITHOUT Al é 
Nove FOR THE CHL PREN, (UGSLEY WAN TOF PRIZE 


G WV - THE KUPE 
BV CATCHING 32 KATE ANE 4 LARGE, WEAFO fess LE HAVE THELZ QIWA/ WAY OF Ex 


RTIMENT STORE SAN TAS ATT, SETTING A 


WIELVING TURTLES. ha 


AT ELECTION TIE, GOMEZ ANP LI TEN? 7? 
CANCEL OUT EACH OTHER = VOTE. 


THE BOVE EN OY ’ 
AT COMIREEE Ta? DELLE Bee 
2 


SANC TRAPPE PROP ES 


WE ARE VERY PROUC OF THE FACT THAT THE AZAMNE FAMILY /- 
HAVE EVE BEEN VISITEP BV AN UNWELCOME HDL YUL Y IS THE FIRET 70 


FUG: 
we ims hes ALOZEN GUEPEI SH wiry pe 
FOLNP OUT THEY Whee Kee EA OOINTED: 

WERE FOZ Ve EAT: Pde ie 


Pete eneseoey 


ote GF as ae 


GOMEZ (& SO KOMANTIC, ON EVER’ ANNIVERSARY 

HE SEN Fs ME A COZEN NIGHTSHACES.... THE 
GIANT VENUS FLYTRAP WAS FOR OlU/R TENTH 
ANMVEKSARY: 


6BOMEZ ANP PUGS 
LEY ON A EAT, 
OUTING -- COLLECTING ALTOGIES, nA SON 
TAKERS LONVEN TION, AT AN 


hsicensss eset 
i inconecsaieninencrec pena eee ee 


lat 


Vv 
> INDE? PUGELEY ANY WECNESTA: 
Ce ee WULY OF REALIGM 10 THEIR 

StH ool '§ FIRE CRILL- 


OUR FAMILY S MUSHROOM-PICKING OUTING 
WAS’ A COMPLETE WASHOLT... NOT AS) E 
FO(SONOLYS ONE (MN THE BUNA, Ss a 


WERE ALL $0 PROUV OF OUR 

WEDINESTAY. SHE TOOK OUT THREE OF HER 
OPFINENTS ... AN? THAT WAS BEFORE THE 
GAME EVEN STARKTEL. 


FRIENPS' POW 'T LET 
FRIEN; 
PRUNK. WE HIPE Tipsy HAGA, FAS BELOM 


THE LOCAL AVON LACY CALLE ANP LEAVES ME 
A VERY GENEROUS SUPPLY OF FREE SAMPLES. 


RN cree 


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fe 
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Fort Pa 


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wi 
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SS 
SS 


See 


th a heart and two 


SS 
SS 


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ylvania L 
s plan wi 
fi 
swamps. 
it’ 


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set up a Trans 


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£ 
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Money becomes a bigger prob 
unless plans are made when you are young 
(When you are about 95 years old) 


Thi 
n you 


—too old to ¢ 
yard walls—too old to crawl throug 
foggy 


handy whe 
Y’ 
damp, 


to fl 


fiend 
ry penny 
b or 


monsters, 
tom 


ink 
those regular 
the 


inch eve 


p coming, many a 


he has to p 
y the rent on 


job is over and 


id you ever stop and th 
t to pa 
dungeon: 


when the 
paychecks sto 


discovers 


jus 


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it off? For a retirement plan 


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You can avo 


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The man wi 


+ your needs, p 
agent, 
heads. 


So why put 
fi 
over to 


to 


ut- 
Like 
for 


a few spare parts 


if you 
Pp 
file to sharpen your teeth. 


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