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BONUS CREATURE POSTER!

If you’re looking for more than
CREATURE COMFORTS

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CIUBDRED

located on the picturesque CRACKED LAGOON

BARRY ROSENBLOOM

director of publishing operations

LOU SILVERSTONE CLIFF MOTT
editor art director/associate editor
SYLVESTER P. SMYTHE

dungeon pinball machine rentals

JOHN SEVERIN, LOU SILVERSTONE, RURIK TYLER,
WALTER BROGAN, MIKE RICIGLIANO, DON OREHEK,
GARY FIELDS, GEORGE GLADIR, ROB ORZECHOWSKI,
FRANK CARUSO, BILL BURKE, KENT GAMBLE,
SHAWN KERRI, ARNOLDO FRANCHIONI,
STEVE STRANGIO, writers & artists

hideous contents

ADDARNS FAMILY ......0 00 ccc ecccvcvcvvvec cd
CRYPTIC COMMERCIALS .............000002-. 8
PARANOIA NEWS 1.0.00 .0 00sec cece ccee cee 10
RURIK’S CREATURE... ...... 00.00 ccecveeeee IB
HOW TO CURE SUPERSTITIONS ................16
OLD MOVIE MONSTER FILMS UPDATED FOR TODAY .18
| NEVER MET A MONSTER | DIDN’T LIKE!..........22
DON OREHEK’S HORRIBLE HUMOR.............24
SPIES & SABOTEURS IN AN EGYPTIAN TOMB ..... .26
CRACKED INTERVIEWS FRANKENSTEIN,

MONSTER KING 60.0 bec cite cc cee eens s (8
IF OTHER ACTORS PLAYED THE PARTS

MADE FAMOUS BY SOMEBODY ELSE ..........32
MONSTER PARTY ....... 0 cc cccecccvcvceees 36
TED sie tn a Pn so) 0's PROMS Sie ab > 9 ve Oe
REAL SCARY HORROR VIDEOS .............+4.39
MONSTEROUS MERRIMENT............++++++ 41
Oe ye 43

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a
an

ADDAMS’ FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM ., .

SEVERIN, front cover
TYLER, full-length inside covers
SEVERIN, back cover

They’re back...America’s scariest family. No, we don’t mean the Kennedys; we’re talking real weirdos. Okay, we’ll give you a hint: The only
plots on their shows were cemetery plots. Need another clue? Bah dah da da-bump snap snap! Yeah, they’ve returned to our TV screens
in glorious black and white reruns...

THE ADDARNS FAMILY

(This is a PG-13 rated magazine)

WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE ARTIST: WALTER BROGAN

I’m Dr. Lecter, the school : Pace perhaps, were a Splendid, ae fathes
sychologist. You, uh, children es, we're ere are some ; ; f
gee wie having a difficult very proud of problems with It can’t be us; did you ever seea away the better
time adjusting and making them, aren’t their home life. more normal family? It must be
friends this neighborhood. For the sake
a of the children, we’ll move.

nom

=
fe

giu

mee

You'll tike this pointes Well, I do
house, it’s Actually, oldman, } havea
sunny and we’d like something |
cheerful. |

ve and dismal; with a .
i j view of the
cemetery.

We'll take it!
There’s a ghost || Name your price!!
in the attic...

Daddy, look, there’s |} That’s not fair,I || Better, the water jf Pie, ae a
green slime dripping || want slime in my in your i Lares cr paces
down my wall! bedroom, too! : bathroomis | ig :

WW cv)

Children, you know a ie | MS de Somebody moved
buzzard has two necks! ip ql pilus into THAT

q hous

No one ever spends more
than one night in that
place, but let’s do the
neighborly thing and

welcome them.

WN
jie

’
=

Hi, we’re your
new neighbors.
Oh, no! I mean,
look, dear, it’s

We prefer Uncle Pester

playing with his bombs

instead of his gun, he’s
such a terrible shot.

it’s
delicious.

Yes, it’s one of .
those strange
coincidences,
without which
there would be
no sitcoms.

Doctor, I want
to thank you;
moving here has
done wonders
for the children.

That’s not true! I
might not hit what I
aim at but I always

hit something.

You know,
this house
is haunted!

Mind if
I join
you ina
smoke,
Mon
Petit
Chou?

You must try one of these. It’s chopped lizard
gizzards on a Ritz cracker and eye of newt dip.

That’s Uncle
Pester, working
on his nuclear

{) i)

Children, when you
finish playing, I
need that rope to tie
up Uncle It.
Tonight’s a full

We’re having a
barbecue this
afternoon and you
have to come.

How about a
swim, old

No need to be
alarmed. It’s a low
radiation device.

We won’t take no for

an answer! Granny’s

making her specialty;
toad pudding.

Yes, this house
has everything.

You’ve got to |} They moved out of their house on
~~ get rid of my advice. I’ll tell them I was

these people. || wrong; the children were better off
in the old place.

Zi SGHHH
Gs fs ie h s.,
WLM ie § We (
nx ¢ ‘
1 \

Whatever you . : : ries a ea
3 ou must }} }lldiga || No, we'll drive over, I guess this place will |} No, no, we didn’t want you to be lonely so
eee ote ©} promise #] tunnel from | I promise. Now be vacant again. we invited our cousins from California to
we're going to |/"0 P8Y US }} your place {| you’d better go for live here.
miss you and avisit. 1° toour jf the children’s sake.
your charming | house. :

a
ey

MOVERS Mpa ZS {neighbor TT

(COMMERCIALS

(<\\ (t
iP ie, i : i

3 YM...BI
——FRANK N. STEIN DESIGNER JEANS

DR. JECKYLL and MR. HYDE for LITE BEER

After performing surgery, You may go for the classy look,
I like to relax with a case... . In Gloria’s blue jeans,

The beer | choose is Swiller Lite, Or you may like the rough look,
Of course for its great taste, as worn my Springsteen!

After | drink all 24,

| get an urge to start killing! There’s just one jean

Like night and day | change That may come between

And state that it’s less filling! Brooke and her Calvin Kleins...

That's this pair, designed by Frank N. Stein!

NEED YOUR FINGER -e.
CLAW PRINT...

The MUMMY for CHARMEN GODZILLA for LESTERINE

Mr. Whipple says, ‘‘Please don’t squeeze it!’’ : When stomping through those cities,
He claims it’s soft as a feather! Wreaking pain and death,

What he doesn’t know about the stuff, There’s one thing | worry about,

Is that it keeps me together! And that is my bad breath!

He knows. more than me about Charmen, That’s why | gargle with Lesterine,

| wouldn’t even doubt it! I’m their biggest fan!

I’m sure he even knows how it feels Now at least there’s a pleasant odor,
To be stuck without it! As | burn down Japan!

KING KONG for WINDREX ne The BLOB for DEX-O-TRIM

| love to climb up buildings,
but their windows end up as wrecks,
Though clean up never bothers me,

oy I’m trying to lose some weight,
: | just can’t seem to win!
a es : Now that they got all those diet pills,

As long as | have Windrex! I'll try some DEX-O-TRIM!

Squirt, squirt and some polishing, | know my problem! | eat too much

| shine every pane and knob! of my massive dinners!

The only thing that upsets me, Now at meals, | cut out fats

Is when pigeons ruin my job! And eat only people who're thinner!

“The INVISIBLE MAN for AMERICAN EXCESS

Yeah, rm considered a celebrity,
atitle thatis pretty fair.

| Yet some times I’m treated by my publ,

: Like y m not even there!”

The ‘Amenean. Excess card p all I need,
and my ID's rarely doubted...
‘Cause like my pants and sagas
| never leave home = it!

\ apie, Gi es r : ie Verei

vied, M

Xo)
eee
\

Schizo News June—
or Was It July?

me Say That
) Z LE Z nM } Ip »
i a | or
g Z ee = = BE

Incorporated

Think! Forever With
Are you Protecto-Suit
; Completely
Being , Soe Protects Your
Deliberately Gf) | Sau comic Rave.
ei erate ys ZN N m (And Sudden
Poisoned \ Showers)

By Deadly SE Be on, 51998
X-Rays Frome Yh y J poriaaid ad

Mailing

en StS Ree ir ene Rena eenmem ire ee baht testers |

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t... If You : 33 Arsenic Route:

Turn Blue You're Throw-Up, Cal.

In Trouble

Don't Let hem
He Your Phone!

Enjoy Your Phone Without Fear Of
Cosmic Or Communist Bugging!
Cuts Off Relatives, Too

Anti-Bug They're Bombing-the-Car, Olina, U.S.A.

C00 CCCC COO CCOOSOCOOOOOOOLOOOOOSOOOOOOES
Handbook Of 250,000 Known
Subversive Organizations And
How They Can Hurt You!

2
=
a
tate

|
Are You Being Followed? |

Indicate Below How Many People Are Follow-
ing You, What Organizations They Belong To,
And What Planets They Are From. Tear Out
and Send To Us. If You Win, We Will Send You
To A Luxury Sanitarium Free Fer One Year.

PARANOIA NEWS EMPLOYEES MAY NOT ENTER

PARANOIA NEWS

©0000 00000000000 00000000000 0000000000000 8 000000000 0OOOOSOOOOOOOOOOOO9 00000000000
PARANOIA NEWS {IS PUBLISHED BY THE CRAZY §$ PARANOIA NEW IS PUBLISHED FOR THOSE PEOPLE

PUBLISHING COMPANY, OF LOOSENING, NEBRAS- ° WHO WISH TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST THE SUB-
KA. IT INCORPORATES SCHIZOID NEWS AND THE $ VERSIVE FORCES ON OUR OWN PLANET AND
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000 0000000000000000000000000000000000000S0000000000000000000000000000000000000008
TABLE OF CONTENTS
What Do People Really Mean by “Hello?” .... .cccccccccccssscssesssecseseisae OF
A Poodle Terrorized Me For Three DayS ...........::ccscccssssccccsscessteeesssesenneesaes 7
| Was Followed By A Blind Marl... cece eecessecsssssscececssssssrecseesessessseees 9
My Teddy Bear Is A Communist ................ccccecceeeeeeeeeee bic dk CR ia gh Maa ily 11
| Get Threatening Letters From Quakers...........ccccccccsscseessssesesseceessserseeees 12
My Radio Breaks DOWN ON PUrpOSel.........eeeeeescccscccssessssscsccsseceeeeeceseneecsacees 16
BOOK BONUS A Handful of Subversive Outer-Space Organizations... 21
The ASPCA Turned My Dog Against Me .........cccccccccsccsccessssescesseessensnevesses 23
Is DDT Really the Breath-Spray Of A Communist Organization?............. 26
How To Spot Deadly Weapons On A Beautiful Woman................05 Centerfold
They Bugged My Son's Baby Cribl..........cccccccccccssssecsssssssssseescessnressenreeeees 28
How To Avoid Poisoned Health Foods ...........cccccccccsesscccseceesscecesecsssseseeees 29

CURRENT RECORDS
Peter & The Psychos 7

The Catatonics
Sing: “My Love Lives Sing, “I Am
Far Away On Mars” Communist Yellow”

LF o

° Baby Cora

If
4 6}
Sings Her Latest,

“They Bombed My WN y/

@ Playpen”
TY VIII yy

CURRENT NEWS

Watch out for Communist literature on your cereal screwballs in the world today.

boxes . . . and in those innocent menus you look at — What was really in those “Moon Stones” the Astro-
in cafes and restaurants. Dora Demented is going nauts brought back? . . . one of the Astronauts has
with Crazy Charlie . . . seems he protected her Rub- been getting headaches lately. WARNING! Simple,
ber Duck during a deadly radiation raid from Venus ordinary Aspirin can be deadly . . . Wanda Wacky
and she never forgot it. Sally Schizo just got a new took 26 bottles one day and she isn’t feeling too
TV set . . . claimed the last one insulted her when well! EXTRA FLASH! I went to a Walt Disney film and
she was alone . . . how crazy can you get? ... it in- watched in terror while the entire animal kingdom

sulted her when she was with people too. Too many went Communist!

CREATURE FROM THE CRACKED LAGOON!

No way Dude, we don’t need
another humanoid
amphibian in our act.

Pa Yeech! That’s the last time
I don’t think we’re going to get we play hoops with the
off as easy as the last time. creature!

Aye, laddy we’re miles from Loch Ness, we have no
sea monsters to worry about.

Hi i if

ale
We
we

Lp
gh
Baoan
Panay

iH i
Hn an
itt

‘ual
HT ae

I think there’s
been a mistake.

Tih
i

et oh
eh

iui

bi
wi

ii i
ela

a
i

Le
7

eben

Doda ane a i ai

ne ,

nah lar
Wiles,

as
a
Dy

Penna

This is cool—the scarier we look the
faster they go.

4 igi

sien F
|
hee

Th ih Hh i he
Ee Mi

I told you not to buy a
condo that was built over
an old lagoon.

So long and thanks for
the Jacuzzi.

You have a bad case of After Daddy gets a look at
athlete’s foot—try and keep. 2 you, he’ll stop
your feet dry. — complaining about my
human boy friends.

Superstitions are always a big drag to the people who
have them. They make life miserable because you
waste so much energy avoiding fears that are really
imaginary. Now the best way to get rid of a silly su-
perstition is to keep on doing just that thing you are
afraid of. In this way you'll soon see how unfounded

SESS EE

Fear that walking undera Keep walking back and forth
ladder will lead to harm. under ladder for about an hour. have left the spot unharmed.

2 Sev

Fear that breaking a mirror Go around and start break- You will soon find out you won't |
brings seven year's bad luck. ing up every mirror in sight. have seven year's bad luck.

NSS

te:

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PASS |
SERA
5 5
YAN ~
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<a S.
3

‘You will soon became aware
of their affection for you.

\<t ow |

Fear that lighting three Keep lighting cigarettes for |
a match is very dangerous. every three you come across. removed from any danger.

i hi

| don’ know vot’s the matter vit me lately. | just don’ Z ; Something is wrong vit me. . .I
have dat get-up-an’-go. | can’t seem to straighten out feel ayia ale ib res ask
an’ fly right. | think I’ll see a doctor! oe me, | think I’m going bats!

Doctor, | vant you to examine me an’ give it to You do look a little healthy. Your cheeks have color in
me straight! Don’ hide anything. Remember. . . 28 them. . .that’s a bad sign. Maybe you’ve been biting off
nobody makes a sucker out of me! more than you can chew lately? We’ll run a few tests!

|| Well, the tests are back and they show you Vot is it, i ! , Your problem is. . .you
a have an affliction. But it’s a common thing Doctor? : have too posure in
that happens to a lot of middle-aged men - Vot’s | your cholesterol:
who are hyperactive. . .

Now for the finishing touches and, ina
moment, | will have created this incredible
monster...

It’s alive! It’s moving! It really Oh, speak to me, you big beautiful blob you! I’ve
works! I’ve done i created you out of nothing but nuts and bolts and
now you’ve come to life! Oh, say those first words

that will make medical history!

Where are you going? Say
something, blast yout here are
you going?

To see a lawyer! I’m suing you
for malpractice!’

Help! Help!
I’m being
attacked!

(groan) Now I'm back to my real
self. ..Lawrence Talbot!

YES, SANTA CLAUS, THERE IS.A VIRGINIA!

UGH! The moon is going
down! I’m (gasp) changing. . .
(gulp). . .changing to what |
was. ..

Darn it! | can’t wait for the B one tine |
next full moon. ..so | can turn A have any
back into the Wolfman! eo

fun!

King of the Japanese
Movie Monsters!

Run for your lives!
ls... J€8... .
Godzilla!

——,
Neclclcleloi!

My God! He’s actually eating
the buildings. .. the cars. . the
people. . everything!

Look! He’s. . .he’s going!
He’s finished (yech)
eating!

THE SIX-MILLION DOLLAR MAN RUNS ON ONE-A-DAY MULTIPLE VITAMINS WITH IRON!

n Hour Later

. . an hour later

you get hungry
again!

You know what they
say about eating
anything Oriental. . .

Oh, no! Here he
comes back! And
eating again!

if so surprised?
| knew he’d be
back!

frrreccr

ey car

¢ ‘
ctr Toe
Vl SA BERRA
1?

This funny fiend has been a regular CRACKED
contributor since issue #1! So, we proudly
present... ;

DON OREHER’S
HORRIBLE
HUMOR

by
DON =
OREHEK
himself! fast 4
| hope you folks don’t believe in Haunted Houses! |
, ey,

Fi ey ebay! sae 6

But what happens when he gets tired of
chasing sticks?

Don’t worry! I'll pop him one in the nose and Can | use your shower? My lagoon has .
he'll be a pussycat! become so polluted!

ee negOR EE > vom

| showed her her peanut butter and jelly
sandwich under the microscope!

Master, will you be going out for a bite, or
would you prefer breakfast in bed?

wow SPIES ANt

DA Ib

Look. THEY HAD FRepvie KRUEGER) FRANKENSTEIN
AND WEREWOLES Back THEN |

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PUAROAUS 4 \.A Lot!

LOOK! 4HE PLANS foR ~e
BUILDING THE GREDT PYRAMID !

Hello out there, Okay, Frankie, |
this is Nancy Dickering will. | must say

and this month’s interview Call that you’re the f ee
is with a true giant in __ me classic monster of Lichtenstein... | SAS<
the entertainment world...the Frankie! all time. When you can say a
acknowledged king of the they made you { Z
movie monsters...none

Poland...

that originall A
they threw away > ops —_

other than the mighty ae the mold! Tell | Say = /™ from all
Frankenstein { me...where are
monster himself! < you from

originally?

malpractice

Frankie...what
was the biggest turned
disappoint- down for
ment of your the lead in

) ‘‘Gone
pagan | With The

Wind!”

I’m sure our
readers would
like your opinion
of some of

| see. Tell me about Only when
| the rivet through your (FY | laugh!
neck. Doesn’t it hurt Wf y
something awful?

A lot of laughs!
‘A real howl! Only
keep out of his way

_ Others seem to
like him, but for
some reason |

could never see

your fellow That guy is
monsters. really batty!
Like, for
example,
Dracula?

when the moon
goes down...he’s
just not himself!

How about the [ae

y Creature From Be Ath
A nice fellow... y The Black Is he still in the
but just too ‘ "4 business? | thought

wrapped up : z he was all washed up!
in himself!

Let’s go back to
your early
beginnings. Tell
me...how did you
do at school?

What do you do
a whole day ?

What's your
favorite TV

lwasbig f ee tiie, Bou
manon “sf om =... they
Is it true you ‘i :
! i
campus! went to Harvard studied

Medical
School?

SS irc

VIA

A | hear you work & Yes, | get a real
Z out by walking | charge

A a=: along third rails? out of that!
ZA

TheElectric a
Company! Man, | g 2 Howdo you (aamamumary
that’s a real turn y ees i relatetothe | !haveno &

‘ 1 trouble
: ONO g
| CPPosite sex? Hil picking up #

Frankie...you're a A ’ A
very powerful g ican tear FE
guy! Justhow canine a
st ‘ 5

os p booth in 4

You're probably the
world’s most
fearsome creature.
Tell me...what is

your greatest fear?

SIKSt sy

LyX
Si

That one day |
might be
recalled for

defective parts!

Thank you, Frankenstein

What's
your Picking up. a
greatest the New York strona!
feat of Sunday .
Times with —

svengint one hand!

What advice ;
have you got for That’s easy. Take
young after me...get it all
monsters just together first!
starting out in
the business?

CRACKED? You
mean this isn’t for
FAMOUS

monster! This is Nancy
Dickering signing off for Te X\\
CRACKED Magazine! oe A : MONSTERS?
fs res if E . \ aces, \

Hwy

“"henever you turn on the TV to watch Kotter or go to a movie
to see something like ‘‘The Godfather’’, if the performances of
the leads are good, those actors in those parts are forever fused
together in your mind as one. But what if others had played these
roles? Would the movies or shows have been as good? No need ;
to wonder any longer, for in this next article, CRACKED takes a

look at what might have happened- |

Fellows--- he’s [==

Squint, we've been And we're You're sure enormous! |

Bo out on this boat nearing him, | this isn’t
IN over three years pe SUR
\\ looking for that killer Those are fresh
shark. fin prints in the
water! .

Gy, iy
All right!...1'm
going under in the
cage and have a
look at him.

Sheriff, you should have |Z ty . That shark has had it
seen him. He was j YY now...I'm gonna get tha!
hideous and huge and... | 7 y : bloody beast if it’s the

last thing | do.
you hand me something
to put on.

‘4 He certainly is
determined!
Mi]

uu ditt \

j eouvinsut yUeMAO[dueUN ZuTa[]oo Addevy st esou
mo asneoeq got asou e UMOP 3uTUIN} st CHYOVUO

It's no use. The shark has
won! He's impossible
to catch}

get that slippery devil when everything
| tried failed?

Simple. | just
< used a bait he
liked better!

MDG

4 4
Ay

D Now what was this information
you had on Coldfinger?

IF WOODY ALLEN HAD BEEN CAST AS JAMES BON

Oh, James! Thank you for meeting me.
I've been so scared. Let me hold you!

| have his address.

Great. Maybe the three of us
can get together sometime...
play a little bridge...melt down
a submarine...

Torture me?...Why?
You haven't even
tasted the cookies yet!

Yes? What is it?...Miss?...My
analyst was right! One minute
a woman wants your
companionship and the next
she won't even speak to you.

Yes...oh,here. | brought
you some cookies.

And.so, Mr. Bond, we meet.

4, ] CEC
All A
i COLD CRram
BER COLD TuRKEY

——_

WHY AG”
em, ‘a

Wy
GZ
Vou

hh 4 ae

| will now run my icy pinky down

om G
your back until your spine freezes. | 5° that's why they

call you Coldfinger! yy,

What can that cheese blintz
possibly do to me?

Have you ever had
one right before bed?

gost Uc ee Yeah. Could you Z
YH CA ASOT kill somobody else? FF
A\. ee /, Pa

Mr. Coldfinger, it's not Good-bye Mr. Oh, James. You were so brave.
Coldfinger.

» GMOS:
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a blintz! It's a portable ial , "
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ahi YY, fy | stowed away in your blintz. <
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TUA'S WHY
WE CANS
HIM
SAMES /
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4 Really?...You're the best
| stuffing a blintz ever had.

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Gee. | just don't know | Why dont you just take the Pore decide for your.

whether to take Cynthia| your sister instead? peur eine
Melloncrate to the yy
Hamster Hop or Mary
Sue Wartw

GOLDEN mee te Oe y; Be yy
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You are so cool, Fonz! ig
RCA

And Fonz, who are you taking?
--The Polaski Sextuplets?

The O'Brian twins?

All right! | will
take them both!

Bleep beep. [ff

Right! I'll teach Pm
j~% them to share! Za Yj
Y Z Ly

Wow Fonz!
WHAT A SET
OF BOLTS..

ee arn he. a
y AI fo tits od { (MR cere erence ne, y
es SN Ej i ”

per '|_ Bp fe? “ly
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EVERYBODY LOVES A GOOD PARTY ...EVEN MOVIE MONSTERS.

We attended a Monster Benefit Party given in Hollywood recently for the benefit

of all the movie monsters and found the affair to be as swinging as the Olde Ceme-
tery Gate.

Ca
roa
\

Ri in

Would you

like to appear

on my TV pro- |
| gram?

As what? ... }é
‘| the lilole whine- KX

\ Is that Tender
Leaf tea you
are drinking?

SSS RUE

I'd give my right

arm to be able to

attend your mas-
ter's party!

You can't beat the
horses. | only bet
on football teams.

Yes! Let's go to my
crypt for a little
j necking!

eS
So you think I'm
a toothsome

dish. .. ‘ Wee (OR ,
| No, th yea My, bu thi
I'm allergic to yr sd pudding tad

Vampira, would youg .. Besides | 3
ii like yours rare or well-|» “| you were
quid diet!

SES Na ;
SASS uy NI'm so sorry to do!
\\ To prevent inflation, | this to you, Vincent,
I'm in favor of cut- bitewalee quaningl:
out of sliced ham!

js
NK

es. You take
over the opera
and I'll go to NG
Man, | just digf
monster parties! }

/ What cah the
Cat Girl see in
a

dite like that? Al |
wy \

~
WE

~~ and this punch will be

Oe bate periect, Dr. Jekyll
~ WZ;

| hope they nit:
a head on that!

You're nibbling on
The Blob, you slob!

Ss fs

Sy
NSS RS

MADAM

ADVICE ‘TO
MONSTERS

COUNSEL YOU CAN'T GET ELSEWHERE, FROM A FRIGHT SISTER.

Madame Fatal, Your Ladyship,
I’m a very soft-spoken, solid citi-
zen, law-abiding monster. But ever
since grammar school, I’ve been
afraid of being buried alive! We
had this teacher in Third Grade,
Miss Medusa, a real beast; with
snakes in her hair and all! For pun-
ishment, she would put us in a
coffin and close the lid! Once, she
left me in there through a whole
Rest Period! How can I prevent my
greatest fear—being buried
alive?!

Aramis Spindelgosh
Hemp, New Hampshire

Madame Fatal: Not to worry!
There’s a firm in Velocity, Geor-
gia, that manufactures the Ejec-
tion Couch Coffin. A large
explosive charge is situated just
below the “departed”. Should
the subject be alive, there is a
switch primed for delayed deto-
nation. Taking mourners and
graveside diggers into consid-
eration, of course. The charge
has a shelf life of only TWO
WEEKS. The erroneously in-
terred has full grasp of the di-
lemma in less than a week. You
may see this wonderful labor-
saving device in the current THE
SHARPEST IMAGE catalogue.

Dear Madame Fatal,

We lost a good freak this week,
Humpy Humperdinck, the
38

Hunchback of Sausalito.
He wasn’t one of them bell-tower
Hunchies; he had great respect for
marine life and went around rub-
bing sunscreen on beached whales.
We wanna give him a burial at sea,
that is, in the Bay. How can we
make it into a first class event, for
old Humpy?

Friends of Humpy

San Francisco, Ca.

Madame Fatal: Roll him up in a
sheet of canvas, in the shape of a
humpback whale. Then, get
yourselves a bunch of easy-flow
markers, waterproof, and write

bright sayings on the canvas
shroud. You know, like, ‘It
doesn’t get any better than
this!”, and, “Beam me up, Nep-
tune!” Then, ease him off the
Golden Gate Bridge.

Dear Madame Fatal,
Our family’s been in the grave-
robbing business for four gen-
erations. We sell cadavers to
unscrupulous medical schools. It’s
become much more risky since
great-great-grandfather estab-
lished the business. You know,
dealing with the punks who made a
sacrilege of our anointed enter-
prise, as they make a ruckus top-
pling headstones. Besides, with all
the gang wars there’s an overabun-
dance of stiffs. Would you advise
me to get into crematoriums?
Reggie Mortis
Mudslide, Tenn.

Madame Fatal: No, no! There
are more crematoriums in the |
country than comedy clubs! For-
get crematoriums, think ashes!! ©
It’s the big receptacle shortage,
friend! Think “urns”!!!

HORROR FILMS GEEM TO DIG INTO OUR MOST PERSONAL ‘
MOST HORRIFYING THING THAT YOU CAN THINK Cee UAC
PEALING WITH YOUR RELATIVES L£/ A

WRITER: GEORGE

3 NN e
YOU HAD THE WHOLE MIGHT |
PLANNED, BUT YOU VIVN'T
COUNT ON «

o :

SWE FORCES YOU TO EAT HER
ERUITCAKE/SHE BOKES YOU
WITH VACATION SLIDES -GHE
KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE!
N PRAY SHE MOVES TOMIAMIS

am We

E MEATLO,
EMBs, OM /YOL RE
ARRASSING MEs“

A phony
ventriloquist
act, eh? You
know it might

work!

/ This is crazy,

Al. It isn’t
helping my

\biccups at all.

Ecch!
I’ve had
it with these
black masses
every Saturday
night! | wanna
gotoa
discotheque
for a change!

Well, so
much for
scuba diving
in Lake Erie...

HII :
THERE KIDS!!!
It’s time once
again for
“Cartoons with
Uncle Max”!

OK, OK!
So lain’t
John Wayne. You
want metosave | No kidding!

you from these Only $19.95 for
Indians or not??! a nifty wig

like that???

What do you
mean you forgot
to pay the
electricity
bill??!

What a
horrible way
to go—stabbed
right in the
gizzard with
a carrot!

Give me
that knife!
You obviously
don’t know
the first thing
about slicing
a pizza!

IN THE GOOD OL’ DAYS, PARENTS COULD TELL THEIR CHILDREN
HORROR STORIES TO KEEP THEM IN LINE...

Yakoff...Hildy...if you vander avay
_ from ze willage, ze e-e-ewil witch vill
gitchya und cut you all up and bake
you into a quiche vhich vill be zerved
as a hors d’oeuvres during happy
hour!

BUT KIDS TODAY ARE TOO SOPHISTICATED TO BE INTIMIDATED BY STORIES OF MONS
AND GHOSTS, SO YOU‘VE GOTTA TELL ‘EM...

TERS

ere!
FOR ROCK GROUPIES:

There were these two girls who were so
obsessed with this rock band that they would
do anything to meet them! When they finally
got backstage, it turned out that all the guys
in the band were married, and they turned
the girls over to their opening act!!

ThA art em

View P<
Or KON We

—
f Fi Be
ste eS

FOR SUMMER CAMPERS:

Once, some bad campers wandered off and got lost in
the woods! They were captured and brainwashed
by a religious cult! They gave away their stereos and
v.c.rs to the cult-and spent the rest of their lives
begging for money at the airport!

FOR ROWDY TRAVELERS:

Some kids wouldn't behave on a long plane
flight...they annoyed their mother and all the
other passengers so much that the pilot landed
in Iran and gave the kids to the Ayatollah

- saying, “See what you can do with them!”

| aie |

f a

H, to! » eo
f Bigs

FOR COLLEGE PARTY ANIMALS:

A very smart boy went to school, but he partied every
night and went skiing every weekend, so he flunked
out and his Dad cut off his. money! He married a
cocktail waitress, had 9 screaming kids and worked at
McDonald's for the rest of his life!

FOR CONSTANT TROUBLEMAKERS:

A punk just couldn't be reformed, so a judge

gave him a choice...the armed servies or jail! He
chose the Marines and they made him an
American Embassy guard in Lebanon!

oo cy aman Ve TE ne wi ie

VA MIBIAS

tod

Aue

FOR HACKERS:

This bad boy kept using his Daddy’s computer to
break into his school records and other places he
didn’t belong! One night, the FB.I. came through
his window, arrested him and took him to the

secret torture chamber located in Washington!

we % “ff a co _
BUT IN ALL FAIRNESS, WE SHOULD ARM YOU KIDS WITH AT LEAST ONE REALLY SCARY STORY

TO TELL YOUR FOLKS:

There was this mean dad who never let his
son stay up late and play with his computer!
One day, the dad's tax records for the past
twenty years mysteriously appeared on the
1.R.S. computers!

WRITER: GEORGE GLADIR
ARTIST; GARY FIELDS

easements
emma ene

oo . — : “ei an :
AN AGANNEG FAMILY Trapies, er nt 6 & — ln
— ; ete : HON : : Re rial

. ¥ ies a SHOW THE KICE THE/2
eRe LAMCORE RECORDE HON OF FRIZE KNICK KNACKE.,..

ee e sei hoe GARY PUGELEY RIPE LIZZY BYRVEN GS AXE, JACK THE RIPPERS

OEE HIE FIRET PAIR OE FLY WINEE. SCALPEL, GENUINE EXKON O/L SPILL...

@ FESTER BEAMS AT eae i
Hig. NEPHEW F PROWESS ~- LUNEORTUNATELY, NO ME:

TERING THE
pete ARE AWARPED FOR MAS
PI /E0N (ART GUN.

spol TMAS TE

THE ANNUAL AMCMIGHT FAMILY FILME RELINION... A COOP TIME WAS HAP BY ALL
CLAN MEMBERS -- PARTICULARLY THE LONG PEPARTEP ONEE

TAS A/S : 4 SEWER KAT-
i) CASTER IE COMPLETE WITHOUT Al é
Nove FOR THE CHL PREN, (UGSLEY WAN TOF PRIZE

G WV - THE KUPE
BV CATCHING 32 KATE ANE 4 LARGE, WEAFO fess LE HAVE THELZ QIWA/ WAY OF Ex

RTIMENT STORE SAN TAS ATT, SETTING A

WIELVING TURTLES. ha

AT ELECTION TIE, GOMEZ ANP LI TEN? 7?
CANCEL OUT EACH OTHER = VOTE.

THE BOVE EN OY ’
AT COMIREEE Ta? DELLE Bee
2

SANC TRAPPE PROP ES

WE ARE VERY PROUC OF THE FACT THAT THE AZAMNE FAMILY /-
HAVE EVE BEEN VISITEP BV AN UNWELCOME HDL YUL Y IS THE FIRET 70

FUG:
we ims hes ALOZEN GUEPEI SH wiry pe
FOLNP OUT THEY Whee Kee EA OOINTED:

WERE FOZ Ve EAT: Pde ie

Pete eneseoey

ote GF as ae

GOMEZ (& SO KOMANTIC, ON EVER’ ANNIVERSARY

HE SEN Fs ME A COZEN NIGHTSHACES.... THE
GIANT VENUS FLYTRAP WAS FOR OlU/R TENTH
ANMVEKSARY:

6BOMEZ ANP PUGS
LEY ON A EAT,
OUTING -- COLLECTING ALTOGIES, nA SON
TAKERS LONVEN TION, AT AN

hsicensss eset
i inconecsaieninencrec pena eee ee

lat

Vv
> INDE? PUGELEY ANY WECNESTA:
Ce ee WULY OF REALIGM 10 THEIR

StH ool '§ FIRE CRILL-

OUR FAMILY S MUSHROOM-PICKING OUTING
WAS’ A COMPLETE WASHOLT... NOT AS) E
FO(SONOLYS ONE (MN THE BUNA, Ss a

WERE ALL $0 PROUV OF OUR

WEDINESTAY. SHE TOOK OUT THREE OF HER
OPFINENTS ... AN? THAT WAS BEFORE THE
GAME EVEN STARKTEL.

FRIENPS' POW 'T LET
FRIEN;
PRUNK. WE HIPE Tipsy HAGA, FAS BELOM

THE LOCAL AVON LACY CALLE ANP LEAVES ME
A VERY GENEROUS SUPPLY OF FREE SAMPLES.

RN cree

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irement

grave-

fly

Transylvania
Transylvan

this is to

write or

Ret
ightening company

fe
Il come in real

you are too old

i
limb over

hone
s a fri
Fort Pa

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wi
nd

SS
SS
SS

See

th a heart and two

SS
SS

ical way to do
ylvania L
s plan wi
fi
swamps.
it’

lem than ever

set up a Trans

Plan now.

£
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o
<<
=

Money becomes a bigger prob
unless plans are made when you are young
(When you are about 95 years old)

Thi
n you

—too old to ¢
yard walls—too old to crawl throug
foggy

handy whe
Y’
damp,

to fl

fiend
ry penny
b or

monsters,
tom

ink
those regular
the

inch eve

p coming, many a

he has to p
y the rent on

job is over and

id you ever stop and th
t to pa
dungeon:

when the
paychecks sto

discovers

jus

it off? For a retirement plan

You can avo

your nearest
The man wi

+ your needs, p
agent,
heads.

So why put
fi
over to

ut-
Like
for

a few spare parts

if you
Pp
file to sharpen your teeth.

irement. Start
ide every day

id such unhappiness
ing as

th
f blood
a

a pint o
your hea

prepare for your ret
d

ing some

indicates
NCE COMPANY

Its name

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ife INSURA

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