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THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
PRESENTED BY
PROF. CHARLES A. KOFOID AND
MRS. PRUDENCE W. KOFOID
H I S T O B Y
OF
NEW-YORK,
FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE WORLD
TO THE END OF THE
DUTCH DYNASTY;
CONTAINING,
AMONG MANY SURPRISING AND CURIOUS MATTERS,
THE UNUTTERABLE PONDERINGS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER,
THE DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY,
AND
^
THE CHIVALRIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG,
The Three Dutch Governors of Nero- Amsterdam ;
BEING THE ONLY AUTHENTIC HISTORY OF THE TIMES THAT EVER HATH BEEN PUBLISHED.
BY DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER, j
J9e foaarjieftr Kit in tmt&er tag,
lite fcomt met fclaarfwlf aatt trett frag.
A NEW EDITION,
GLASGOW:
PRINTED FOR JOHN WYLIE & CO.
33$ Jvofort iiEIjapman,
1821.
fizz
CONTENTS.
PACK
ACCOUNT of the Author, ^~~~~~ ~ xiii
Preface, , . _ ,~~ xxiii
JSoofe
CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILO-
SOPHIC SPECULATIONS CONCERNING THE CREATION AND
POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE
HISTORY OF NEW-YORK.
CHAP. I. Description of the World, ~~ ~~
CHAP. II. Cosmogony, or Creation of the World; with a
multitude of excellent Theories, by which the Creation
of a World is shown to be no such difficult matter as
common Folks would imagine, , ~~ ~ 7
CHAP. III. How far that famous Navigator, Noah, was
shamefully nick-named; and how he committed an
unpardonable oversight in not having Four Sons ; with
the great trouble of Philosop"hers caused thereby, and
the Discovery of America, , 1 5
CHAP. IV. Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have
had in peopling America and how the Aborigines came
to be begotten by accident, to the great relief and satis-
faction of the Author, ~ ~~ 2 1
vi CONTENTS.
PAGE
CHAP. V. In which the Author puts a mighty Question
to the rout, by the assistance of the Man in the Moon
which not only delivers thousands of people from
great embarrassment, but likewise concludes this intro-
ductory book,~~~ ------ ~~ ~ ~ - ~~~ --- -~~~^ 28
TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE
OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS.
CHAP. I. In which are contained divers reasons why a
man should not write in a hurry. Also of Master Hen-
drick Hudson, his discovery of a strange country and
how he was magnificently rewarded by the munificence
of their High Mightinesses, ~ ------- ~ ----- 43
CHAP. II. Containing an account of a mighty Ark which
floated under the protection of St. Nicholas, from Hol-
land to Gibbet Island the descent of the strange Ani-
mals therefrom a great victory, and a description of
the ancient village of Communipaw, ---- ----------- 53
CHAP. III. In which is set forth the true art of making
a bargain together with the miraculous Escape of a
great Metropolis in a Fog and the Biography of cer-
tain Heroes of Communipaw, ^ ------ ~~~ ------- ~ 5Q
CHAP. IV. How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged
to Hell- Gate, and how they were received there, ~~~~~ 65
CHAP. V. How the heroes of Communipaw returned
somewhat wiser than they went and how the sage O-
loffe dreamed a dream and the dream that he dreamed, 75
CHAP. VI. Containing an attempt at etymology and of
the founding of the great city of New- Amsterdam, 79
CHAP. VII. How the City of New-Amsterdam waxed
great, under the protection of Oloffe the Dreamer, 86
CONTENTS. vii
PAGE
pfcfloi
IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER
VAN TWILLER.
CHAP. I. Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his un-
paralleled virtues as likewise his unutterable wisdom
in the law case of Wandle Schoonhoven and Barent
Bleecker and the great admiration of the public
CHAP. II. Containing some account of the grand Council
of New- Amsterdam, as also divers especial good philo-
sophical reasons why an Alderman should be fat with
other particulars touching the state of the Province, 99
CHAP. III. How the town of New- Amsterdam arose out
of mud, and came to be marvellously polished and po-
lite together with a picture of our great great Grand-
fathers,- _~~~ , ~ ~~ 1 08
CHAP. IV. Containing further particulars of the Golden
age, and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman
in the days of Walter the Doubter,^ ~ ~ 116
CHAP. V. In which the reader is beguiled into a delec-
table walk, which ends very differently from what it
commenced *~^~~*^~~~~~~+^~^~~~~*^^*^~~*^~~~~~~~~*~~ 122
CHAP. VI. Faithfully describing the ingenious people of
Connecticut and thereabouts Showing, moreover, the
true meaning of liberty of conscience, and a curious
device among these sturdy barbarians, to keep up a
harmony of intercourse, and promote population, 127
CHAP. VII. How these simple barbarians turned out to
be notorious squatters How they built air castles, and
attempted to initiate the Nederlanders in the mystery
of bundlin*
&* *'''
viii CONTENTS.
PAGE
CHAP. VIII. How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully be-
leagured how the renowned Wouter fell into a pro-
found doubt, and how he finally evaporated, ^^ 137
-
CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM
THE TESTY.
CHAP. I. Showing the nature of History in general ;
containing furthermore the universal acquirements of
William the Testy, and how a man may learn so much
as to render himself good for nothing, 144
CHAP. II. In which are recorded the sage Projects of a
Ruler of universal Genius. The art of Fighting by Pro-
clamation, and how that the valiant Jacobus Van Cur-
let came to be foully dishonoured at Fort Goed Hoop, 153
CHAP. III. Containing the fearful wrath of William the
Testy, and the great dolor of the New-Amsterdammers,
because of the affair of Fort Goed Hoop. And more-
over how William the Testy did strongly fortify the
city. Together with the exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff, 1 59
CHAP. IV. Philosophical reflections on the folly of being
happy in times of prosperity Sundry troubles on the
southern frontiers. How William the Testy had well
nigh ruined the province through a Cabalistic word.
As also the secret expedition of Jan Jansen Alpendam,
and his astonishing reward,~~, ~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~ 166
CHAP. V. How William the Testy enriched the province
by a multitude of laws, and came to be the Patron of
Lawyers and Bumbailiffs. And how the people became
exceedingly enlightened and unhappy under his in-
structions, wssrssjM^.^,^^.,^^^ ^^M^M-MSftssttrttrsf 174
CONTENTS. ix
PAGE
CHAP. VI. Of the great pipe plot and of the dolorous
perplexities into which William the Testy was thrown,
by reason of his having enlightened the multitude, - 181
CHAP. VII. Containing divers fearful accounts of Border
Wars, and the flagrant outrages of the Moss-troopers of
Connecticut ; with the rise of the great Amphyctionic
Council of the east, and the decline of William the
Testy, ________ ~ ------------ 187
CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER
STUYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYC-
TIONIC COUNCIL.
CHAP. I. In which the death of a great man is shown
to be no very inconsolable matter of sorrow ; and how
Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great name from the un-
common strength of his head, ~ ---- ~~~~ --- 197
CHAP. II. Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred
himself among the rats and cobwebs on entering into
office, and the perilous mistake he was guilty of, in his
dealings with the Amphyctions, ~* ~~~~~~~ 203
CHAP. III. Containing various speculations ori War and
Negociations showing that a treaty of peace is a great
national evil, ~~~ ^ 208
CHAP. IV. How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by
his adversaries the Moss-troopers and his conduct
thereupon,. _. ftffff 214
CHAP. V. How the New-Amsterdammers became great
in arms, and of the direful catastrophe of a mighty army
together with Peter Stuyvesant's measures to fortify
the city and how he was the original founder of the
Battery,
CONTENTS.
PAGE
CHAP. VI. How the people of the East Country were
suddenly afflicted with a diabolical evil and their ju-
dicious measures for the extirpation thereof ~~ _ 228
CHAP. VII. Which records the rise and renown of a
valiant Commander ; showing that a man, like a blad-
der, may be puffed up to greatness and importance by
mere wind, ____ ~* _ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ___ ~~~~~^~~ _ JJJfJ . f 233
CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER
THE HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS
ON THE DELAWARE.
CHAP. I. In which is exhibited a warlike portrait of the
great Peter and how General Vpn Poffenburgh dis-
tinguished himself at Fort Casimir, ____ 242
CHAP. II. Showing how profound secrets are often
brought to light ; with the proceedings of Peter the
Headstrong, when he heard of the misfortune of Gene-
ral Von Poffenburgh, ~~<^~~~~~~~~~~*^~~~*^~~~~ fM ^ 252
CHAP. III. Containing Peter Stuyvesant's voyage up
the Hudson, and the wonders and delights of that re-
nowned river, ^ w ~~~~~~ ~~~ 259
CHAP. IV. Describing the powerful Army that assembled
at the city of New-Amsterdam together with the in-
terview between Peter the Headstrong, and General
Von Poffenburgh ; and Peter's sentiments touching un-
fortunate great men, ~~~ ~ ,^~.~ 266
CHAP. V. In which the author discourses very ingeni-
ously of himself. After which is to be found much
interesting history about Peter the Headstrong and his
followers, ,, r . , i 272
CONTENTS. xi
PAGE
CHAP. VI. Showing the great advantage that the author
has over his reader in time of battle together with
divers portentous movements; which betoken that
something terrible is about to happen, ~~ ------ 281
CHAP. VII. Containing the most horrible battle ever re-
corded in poetry or prose ; with the admirable exploits
of Peter the Headstrong, ---------- ~ ~~ -- 287
CHAP. VIII. In which the author and the reader, while
reposing after the battle, fall into a very grave discourse
after which is recorded the conduct of Peter Stuy-
vesant after his victory, ----- ~~~ -- ~ ---- , -- 298
CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER
THE HEADSTRONG - HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH
NATION; AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH
DYNASTY.
CHAP. I. How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the sovereign
people from the burthen of taking care of the nation
with sundry particulars of his conduct in time of peace, 307
CHAP. II. How Peter Stuyvesant was much molested by
the Moss-troopers of the East, and the giants of Merry.
land ; and how a dark and horrid conspiracy was car-
ried on in the British Cabinet against the prosperity of
the Manhattoes, ~~ ___ '317
CHAP. III. Of Peter Stuyvesant' s expedition into the
East Country ; showing that though an old bird, he
did not understand trap, ____ ~~ 323
CHAP. IV. How the people of New- Amsterdam were
thrown into a great panic, by the news of a threatened
invasion ; and the manner in which they fortified
themselves,., rrff , f , ffffJ , Jff , J , ff ^ Jf ,^ J ^ JfJ , JJJJWJJJ ^^ f , JJJfJJf , _ f ^^ f 332
xii CONTENTS.
PAGE
CHAP. V. Showing how the Grand Council of the New
Netherlands came to be miraculously gifted with long
tongues. Together with a great triumph of Economy, 335
CHAP. VI. In which the troubles of New-Amsterdam
appear to thicken Showing the bravery, in time of
peril, of a people who defend themselves by resolutions, 340
CHAP. VII. Containing a doleful disaster of Anthony
the Trumpeter ; and how Peter Stuyvesant like a se-
cond Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a Rump Parlia-
ment, ~~~ ~~~~~~ JJJJJJJJJJJ .- JJJ . JJ>rJJJ - JJJJJJJJJJJJfJJJ - J -xj- J rr J -r fJ - J r fJ -rrx JJJJJJJJ/ x 34$
CHAP. VIII. How Peter Stuyvesant defended the city
of New- Amsterdam for several days, by dint of the
strength of his head, ~~ ~~~**~~^~ 354
CHAP. IX. Containing the dignified retirement, and
mortal surrender of Peter the Headstrong, f 36%
CHAP. X. The Author's reflections upon what has been
_ , _, ^ 368
ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.
AT was some time, if I recollect right, in the early part of the
fall of 1 808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at the Inde-
pendent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry- street, of which I am
Landlord. He was a small, brisk-looking old gentleman,
dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of olive velvet breeches,
and a small cocked hat. He had a few gray hairs plaited and
clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be of some eight and
forty hours' growth. The only piece of finery which he bore
about him, was a bright pair of square silver shoe-buckles :
and all his baggage was contained in a pair of saddle-bags,
which he carried under his arm. His whole appearance was
something out of the common run ; and my wife, who is a
very shrewd body, at once set him down for some eminent
country schoolmaster.
As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small house,
I was a little puzzled at first where to put him ; but my wife,
who seemed taken with his looks, would needs put him in her
best chamber, which is genteelly set off with the profiles of the
whole family, done in black, by those two great painters, Jar-
vis and Wood ; and commands a very pleasant view of the
new grounds on the Collect, together with the rear of the
c
xiv ACCOUNT OF
Poor- House and Bridewell, and the full front of the Hospital ;
so that it is the cheerfullest room in the whole house.
During the whole time that he staid with us, we found him
a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman, though a little
queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for days to-
gether, and if any of the children cried, or made a noise about
his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, with his
hands full of papers, and say something about " deranging his
ideas ;" which made my wife believe sometimes that he was
not altogether compos. Indeed there was more than one rea-
son to make her think so, for his room was always covered
with scraps of paper and old mouldy books, lying about at
sixes and sevens, which he never would let any body touch ;
for he said he had laid them all away in their proper places,
so that he might know where to find them ; though for that
matter, he was half his time worrying about the house in
search of some book or writing which he had carefully put
out of the way. I shall never forget what a pother he once
made, because my wife cleaned out his room when his back
was turned, and put every thing to rights ; for he swore he
would never be able to get his papers in order again in a
twelvemonth. Upon this my wife ventured to ask him, what
he did with so many books and papers ? and he told her, that
he was " seeking for immortality ;" which made her think
more than ever, that the poor old gentleman's head was a little
cracked.
He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his room
was continually poking about town, hearing all the news, and
prying into every thing that was going on : this was particu-
larly the case about election time, when he did nothing but
bustle about from poll to poll, attending all ward meetings and
committee rooms; though I could never find that he took part
THE AUTHOR. xv
with either side of the question. On the contrary, he would
come home and rail at both parties with great wrath and
plainly proved one day to the satisfaction of my wife and three
old ladies who were drinking tea with her, that the two par-
ties were like two rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the na-
tion ; and that in the end they would tear the very coat off its
back, and expose its nakedness. Indeed he was an oracle
among the neighbours, who would collect around him to hear
him talk of an afternoon, as he smoked his pipe on the bench
before the door ; and I really believe he would have brought
over the whole neighbourhood to his own side of the question,
if they could ever have found out what it was.
He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it, phi-
losophize, about the most trifling matter, and to do him justice,
I never knew any body that was a match for him, except it
was a grave looking gentleman who called now and then to
see him, and often posed him in an argument. But this is
nothing surprising, as I have since found out this stranger is
the city librarian ; and, of course, must be a man of great
learning : and I have my doubts, if he had not some hand in
the following history.
As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we had never
received any pay, my wife began to be somewhat uneasy, and
curious to find out who and what he was. She accordingly
made bold to put the question to his friend, the librarian, who
replied in his dry way, that he was one of the Literati ; which
she supposed to mean some new party in politics. I scorn to
push a lodger for his pay, so I let day after day pass on without
dunning the old gentleman for a farthing : but my wife, who
always takes these matters on herself, and is, as I said, a
shrewd kind of a woman, at last got out of patience, and
hinted, that she thought it high time "some people should
xvi ACCOUNT OF
have a sight of some people's money." To which the old gen-
tleman replied in a mighty touchy manner, that she need not
make herself uneasy, for that he had a treasure there, (point-
ing to his saddle-bags,) worth her whole house put together.
This was the only answer we could ever get from him ; and as
my wife, by some of those odd ways in which women find out
every thing, learnt that he was of very great connexions, be-
ing related to the Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin-
german to the Congress-man of that name, she did not like to
treat him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, merely
by way of making things easy, to let him live scot-free, if he
would teach the children their letters ; and to try her best and
get the neighbours to send their children also : but the old
gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and seemed so affronted at
being taken for a schoolmaster, that she never dared speak on
the subject again.
About two months ago, he went out of a morning, with a
bundle in his hand and has never been heard of since. All
kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. I wrote
to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for answer, that
he had not been there since the year before last, when he had
a great dispute with the Congress-man about politics, and left
the place in a huff, and they had neither heard nor seen any
thing of him from that time to this. I must own I felt very
much worried about the poor old gentleman, for I thought
something bad must have happened to him, that he should be
missing so long, and never return to pay his bill. I therefore
advertised him in the newspapers, and though my melancholy
advertisement was published by several humane printers, yet
I have never been able to learn any thing satisfactory about
him.
My wife now said it was high time to take care of ourselves,
THE AUTHOR. xvii
and see if he had left any thing behind in his room, that would
pay us for his board and lodging. We found nothing, how-
ever, but some old books and musty writings, and his pair of
saddle-bags ; which being opened in presence of the librarian,
contained only a few articles of worn out clothes, and a large
bundle of blotted paper. On looking over this, the librarian
told us, he had no doubt it was the treasure which the old
gentleman had spoke about ; as it proved to be a most excel-
lent and faithful HISTORY OF NEW-YORK, which he advised us
by all means to publish : assuring us that it would be so eagerly
bought up by a discerning public, that he had no doubt it
would be enough to pay our arrears ten times over. Upon
this we got a very learned schoolmaster, who teaches our
children, to prepare it for the press, which he accordingly has
done ; and has, moreover, added to it a number of notes of
his own ; and an engraving of the city, as it was at the time
Mr. Knickerbocker writes about.
This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for having
this work printed, without waiting for the consent of the au-
thor : and I here declare, that if he ever returns, (though I
much fear some unhappy accident has befallen him,) I stand
ready to account with him like a true and honest man.
Which is all at present
From the public's humble servant,
SETH HANDASIDE.
Independent Columbian Hotel,
New- York.
THE foregoing account of the author was prefixed to the first
edition of this work. Shortly after its publication, a letter was
xviii ACCOUNT OF
received from him, by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch
village on the banks of the Hudson, whither he had travelled
for the purpose of inspecting certain ancient records. As
this was one of those few and happy villages, into which
newspapers never find their way, it is not a matter of surprise,
that Mr. Knickerbocker should never have seen the numerous
advertisements that were made concerning him ; and that he
should learn of the publication of his history by mere accident.
He expressed much concern at its premature appearance, as
thereby he was prevented from making several important cor-
rections and alterations : as well as from profiting by many
curious hints which he had collected during his travels along
the shores of the Tappan Sea, and his sojourn at Haverstraw
and Esopus.
Finding that there was no longer any immediate necessity
for his return to New- York, he extended his journey up to
the residence of his relations at Scaghtikoke. On his way
thither, he stopped for some days at Albany, for which city
he is known to have entertained a great partiality. He found
it, however, considerably altered, and was much concerned at
the inroads and improvements which the Yankees were mak-
ing, and the consequent decline of the good old Dutch man-
ners. Indeed he was informed that these intruders were
making sad innovations in all parts of the state ; where they
had given great trouble and vexation to the regular Dutch
settlers, by the introduction of turnpike gates, and country
school-houses. It is said also, that Mr. Knickerbocker shook
his head sorrowfully at noticing the gradual decay of the great
Vander Hey den palace ; but was highly indignant at finding
that the ancient Dutch church, which stood in the middle of
the street, had been pulled down, since his last visit.
The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's history having reached
THE AUTHOR. xix
even to Albany, he received much flattering attention from its
worthy burghers, some of whom, however, pointed out two or
three very great errors he had fallen into, particularly that of
suspending a lump of sugar over the Albany tea-tables, which,
they assured him, had been discontinued for some years past.
Several families, moreover, were somewhat piqued that their
ancestors had not been mentioned in his work, and showed
great jealousy of their neighbours who had been thus dis-
tinguished; while the latter, it must be confessed, plumed
themselves vastly thereupon ; considering these recordings in
the light of letters patent of nobility, establishing their claims
to ancestry which, in this republican country, is a matter of
no little solicitude and vainglory.
It is also said, that he enjoyed high favour and countenance
from the governor, who once asked him to dinner, and was
seen two or three times to shake hands with him, when they
met in the street ; which certainly was going great lengths,
considering that they differed in politics. Indeed, certain of
the governor's confidential friends, to whom he could venture
to speak his mind freely on such matters, have assured us, that
he privately entertained a considerable goodwill for our author
nay, he even once went so far as to declare, and that openly
too, and at his own table, just after dinner, that " Knicker-
bocker was a very well-meaning sort of an old gentleman, and
no fool." From all which many have been led to suppose, that,
had our author been of different politics, and written for the
newspapers instead of wasting his talents on histories, he might
have risen to some post of honour and profit : peradventure to
be a notary public, or even a justice in the ten pound court.
Besides the honours and civilities already mentioned, he was
much caressed by the literati of Albany ; particularly Mr.
John Cook, who entertained him very hospitably at his circu-
xx ACCOUNT OF
lating library and reading room, where they used to drink Spa
water, and talk about the ancients. He found Mr. Cook a
man after his own heart of great literary research, and a
curious collector of books. At parting, the latter, in testi-
mony of friendship, made him a present of the two oldest
works in his collection ; which were, the earliest edition of the
Hiedel burgh Catechism, and Adrian Vander Donck's famous
account of the New Netherlands : by the last of which, Mr.
Knickerbocker profited greatly in this his second edition.
Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, our
author proceeded to Scaghtikoke ; where, it is but justice to
say, he was received with open arms, and treated with won- ]
derful loving-kindness. He was much looked up to by the
family, being the first historian of the name ; and was con-
sidered almost as great a man as his cousin the Congress-man
with whom, by the by, he became perfectly reconciled, and
contracted a strong friendship.
In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations, and their
great attention to his comforts, the old gentleman soon became
restless and discontented. His history being published, he
had no longer any business to occupy his thoughts, or any
scheme to excite his hopes and anticipations. This, to a busy
mind like his, was a truly deplorable situation ; and, had he
not been a man of inflexible morals and regular habits, there
would have been great danger of his taking to politics, or
drinking both which pernicious vices we daily see men
driven to, by mere spleen and idleness.
It is true, he sometimes employed himself, in preparing a
second edition of his history, wherein he endeavoured to cor-
rect and improve many passages with which he was dissatis-
fied, and to rectify some mistakes that had crept into it; for
he was particularly anxious that his work should be noted for
THE AUTHOR. xxi
its authenticity ; which, indeed, is the very life and soul of
history. But the glow of composition had departed he had
to leave many places untouched, which he would fain have
altered ; and even where he did make alterations, he seemed
always in doubt whether they were for the better or the worse,
After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke, he began to
feel a strong desire to return to New- York, which he ever re^
garded with the warmest affection ; not merely because it was
his native city, but because he really considered it the very best
eity in the whole world. On his return he entered into the
full enjoyment of the advantages of a literary reputation. He
was continually importuned to write advertisements, petitions,
hand^bills, and productions of similar import; and, although
he never meddled with the public papers, yet had he, the credit
of writing innumerable essays, and smart things, that appeared
on all subjects, and all sides of the question ; in all which he
was clearly detected " by his style."
He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt at the posU
office, in consequence of the numerous letters he received from
authors and printers soliciting his subscription he was applied
to by every charitable society for yearly donations, which he
gave very cheerfully, considering these applications as so many
compliments. He was once invited to a great corporation din*
ner; and was even twice summoned to attend as a juryman
at the court of quarter-sessions. Indeed, so renowned did he
become, that he could no longer pry about, as formerly, in all
holes and corners of the city, according to the bent of his humour,
unnoticed and uninterrupted ; but several times when he has
been sauntering the streets, on his usual rambles of observation,
equipped with his cane and cocked hat, the little boys at play
have been known to cry, " there goes Diedrich!" at which
the old gentleman seemed not a little pleased, looking upon
hese salutations in the light of the praises of posterity.
d
xxii ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.
In a word, if we take into consideration all these various
honours and distinctions, together with an exuberant eulogium
passed on him in the Port Folio (with which, we are told,
the old gentleman was so much overpowered, that he was sick
for two or three days) it must be confessed, that few authors
have ever lived to receive such illustrious rewards, or have so
completely enjoyed in advance their own immortality.
After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker took
up his residence at a little rural retreat, which the Stuy vesants
had granted him on the family domain, in gratitude for his
honourable mention of their ancestor. It was pleasantly situ-
ated on the borders of one of the salt marshes beyond Cor-
lear's Hook: subject, indeed, to be occasionally overflowed,
and much infested, in the summer time, with musquitoes ; but
otherwise very agreeable, producing abundant crops of salt-
grass and bulrushes.
Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell dan-
gerously ill of a fever, occasioned by the neighbouring marshes.
When he found his end approaching, he disposed of his worldly
affairs, leaving the bulk of his fortune to the New- York Histo-
rical Society : his Hiedelburg Catechism, and Vander Donck's
work to the City Library ; and his saddle-bags to Mr. Handa-
side. He forgave all his enemies that is to say, all that bore
any enmity towards him; for as to himself, he declared he died
in goodwill to all the world. And, after dictating several kind
messages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as to certain of
our most substantial Dutch citizens, he expired in the arms of
his friend the librarian.
His remains were interred, according to his own request, in
St. Mark's Churchyard, close by the bones of his favourite hero,
Peter Stuy vesaut ; and it is rumoured, that the Historical So-
ciety have it in mind to erect a wooden monument to his me-
mory in the Bowling green.
f O THE PUBLIC.
T rescue from oblivion the memory of former incidents,
and to render a just tribute of renown to the many great and
wonderful transactions of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich
Knickerbocker, native of the city of New- York, produces this
historical essay." * Like the great Father of History whose
words I have just quoted, I treat of times long past, over
which the twilight of uncertainty had already thrown its sha-
dows, and the night of forge tfulness was about to descend for
ever. With great solicitude did I long behold the early his-
tory of this venerable and ancient city, gradually slipping from
our grasp, trembling on the lips of narrative old age, and day
by day dropping piecemeal into the tomb. In a little while,
thought I, and those reverend Dutch burghers, who serve as
the tottering monuments of good old times, will be gathered
to their fathers ; their children, engrossed by the empty plea-
sures or insignificant transactions of the present age, will ne-
glect to treasure up the recollections of the past, and posterity
shall search in vain, for memorials of the days of the Patriarchs.
The origin of our city will be buried in eternal oblivion, and
even the names and atchievements of Wouter Van Twiller,
William Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt
* Beloe's Herodotus.
xxiv PREFACE.
and fiction, like those of Romulus and Remus, of Charie-
magne, King Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of Bologne.
Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threatened
misfortune, I industriously sat myself to work, to gather toge-
ther all the fragments of our ancient history which still existed,
and like my revered prototype, Herodotus, where no written
records could be found, have endeavoured to continue the
chain of history by well authenticated traditions.
In this arduous undertaking, which has been the sole busi-
ness of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the number of
learned authors I have consulted ; and all to but little purpose.
Strange as it may seem, though such multitudes of excellent
works have been written about this country, there are none
extant which give any full and satisfactory account of the early
history of New- York, or of its three first Dutch governors. I
have, however, gained much valuable and curious matter from an
elaborate manuscript written in exceeding pure and classic low
Dutch, excepting a few errors in orthography, which was found
in the archives of the Stuyvesant family. Many legends, letters,
and other documents, have I likewise gleaned, in my researches
among the family chests and lumber garrets of our respectable
Dutch citizens : and I have gathered a host of well authenti-
cated traditions from divers excellent old ladies of my acquain-
tance, who requested that their names might not be mentioned.
Nor must I neglect to acknowledge how greatly I have been
assisted by that admirable and praiseworthy institution, the
NEW- YORK HISTORICAL SOCIETY, to which I here publicly
feturn my sincere acknowledgments*
In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted no
individual model, but on the contrary have simply contented
myself with combining and concentrating the excellencies of
the most approved ancient historians. Like Xenophon, I have
PREFACE. xxv
maintained the utmost impartiality, and the strictest adherence
to truth throughout my history. I have enriched it, after the
manner of Sallust, with various characters of ancient worthies,
drawn at full length and faithfully coloured. I have seasoned
it with profound political speculations like Thucydides, sweet-
ened it with the graces of sentiment like Tacitus, and infused
into the whole, the dignity, the grandeur, and magnificence of
Livy.
I am aware that I shall incur the censure of numerous very
learned and judicious critics, for indulging too frequently in
the bold excursive manner of my favourite Herodotus. And
to be candid, I have found it impossible always to resist the
allurements of those pleasing episodes, which like flowery
banks and fragrant bowers, beset the dusty road of the histo-
rian, and entice him to turn aside, and refresh himself from
his wayfaring. But I trust it will be found, that I have always
resumed my staff, and addressed myself to my weary journey
with renovated spirits, so that both my readers and myself
have been benefited by the relaxation.
Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and uniform
endeavour, to rival Polybius himself, in observing the requi-
site unity of History, yet the loose and unconnected manner
in which many of the facts herein recorded have come to hand,
rendered such an attempt extremely difficult. This difficulty
was likewise increased, by one of the grand objects contem-
plated in my work, which was to trace the rise of sundry cus-
toms and institutions in this best of cities, and to compare
them when in the germ of infancy, with what they are in the
present old age of knowledge and improvement.
But the chief merit on which I value myself, and found my
hopes for future regard, is that faithful veracity with which I
have compiled this invaluable little work ; carefully winnow-
xxvi PREFACE.
ing away the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tares of
fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke the seeds of
truth and wholesome knowledge. Had I been anxious to cap-
tivate the superficial throng, who skim like swallows over the
surface of literature ; or had I been anxious to commend my
writings to the pampered palates of literary epicures I might
have availed myself of the obscurity that overshadows the in-
fant years of our city, to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions.
But I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy tale and mar-
vellous adventure, whereby the drowsy air of summer indolence
might be enthralled ; jealously maintaining that fidelity, gra-
vity, and dignity, which should ever distinguish the historian.
" For a writer of this class," observes an elegant critic, " must
sustain the character of a wise man, writing for the instruction
of posterity : one who has studied to inform himself well, who
has pondered his subject with care, and addresses himself to
our judgment, rather than to our imagination."
Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned city, in hav-
ing incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history ; and
doubly thrice happy is it in having such a historian as myself,
to relate them. For after all, gentle reader, cities of themselves,
and in fact, empires of themselves, are nothing without an his-
torian. It is the patient narrator who records their prosperity
as they rise who blazons forth the splendour of their noontide
meridian who props their feeble memorials as they totter to
decay who gathers together their scattered fragments as they
rot and who piously at length collects their ashes into the
mausoleum of his work, and rears a triumphal monument to
transmit their renown to all succeeding ages.
What has been the fate of many fair cities of antiquity,
whose nameless ruins encumber the plains of Europe and Asia,
and awaken the fruitless inquiry of the traveller ?- they have
PREFACE. xxvii
sunk into dust and silence they have perished from remem-
brance for want of a historian ! The philanthropist may weep
over their desolation the poet may wander among their moul-
dering arches and broken columns, and indulge the visionary
flights of his fancy but alas! alas! the modern historian, whose
pen, like my own, is doomed to confine itself to dull matter of
fact, seeks in vain among their oblivious remains, for some
memorial that may tell the instructive tale, of their glory and
their ruin.
" Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristotle, " destroy
nations, and with them ail their monuments, their discoveries,
and their vanities. The torch of science has more than once
been extinguished and rekindled a few individuals, who have
escaped by accident, reunite the thread of generations."
The same sad misfortune which has happened to so many
ancient cities, will happen again, and from the same sad cause,
to nine-tenths of those which now flourish on the face of the
globe. With most of them the time for recording their history
is gone by ; their origin, their foundation, together with the
early stages of their settlement, are forever buried in the rub-
bish of years ; and the same would have been the case with
this fair portion of the earth, if I had not snatched it from ob-
scurity in the very nick of time, at the moment that those
matters herein recorded, were about entering into the wide-
spread insatiable maw of oblivion if I had not dragged them
out, as it were, by the very locks, just as the monster's ada-
mantine fangs were closing upon them for ever ! And here
have I, as before observed, carefully collected, collated, and
arranged them, scrip and scrap, " punt en punt, gat en gal"
and commenced in this little work, a history to serve as a foun-
dation, on which other historians may hereafter raise a noble
superstructure, swelling in process of time, until Knickerbocker's
xxviii PREFACE.
Nerv~York may be equally voluminous, with Gibbons Rome,
or Hume and SmolletCs England !
And now indulge me for a moment : while I lay down my
pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of two or
three hundred years a-head ; and, casting a bird's eye glance
over the waste of years that is to roll between, discover my-
self little I ! at this moment the progenitor, prototype, and
precursor of them all, posted at the head of this host of literary
worthies, with my book under my arm, and New- York on my
hack, pressing forward like a gallant commander, to honour
and immortality !
Such are the vain glorious imaginings that will now and
then enter into the brain of the author that irradiate, as with
celestial light, his solitary chamber, cheering his weary spirits,
and animating him to persevere in his labours. And I have
freely given utterance to these rhapsodies whenever they have
occurred; not, I trust, from an unusual spirit of egotism,
but merely that the reader may for once have an idea, how an
author thinks and feels while he is writing a kind of know-
ledge very rare and curious, and much to be desired,
CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILOSO-
PHIC SPECULATIONS CONCERNING THE CREATION AND
POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE
HISTORY OF NEW-YORK.
CHAPTER J,
Description of the World.
A.CCORDING to the best authorities, the world in which
we dwell is a huge, opaque, reflecting, inanimate mass,
floating in the vast ethereal ocean of infinite space. It
has the form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curi-
ously flattened at opposite parts, for the insertion of two
imaginary poles, which are supposed to penetrate and
unite at the centre; thus forming an axis on which the
mighty orange turns with a regular diurnal revolution.
The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed
the alternations of day and night, are produced by this
diurnal revolution successively presenting the different
parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The latter is,
according to the best, that is to say, the latest accounts,
a luminous or fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, from
which this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling
power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal or at-
tractive force ; otherwise called the attraction of gravita-
A
2 HISTORY OF
tion; the combination, or rather the counteraction of
these two opposing impulses producing a circular and
annual revolution. Hence result the different seasons of
the year, viz. spring, summer, autumn, and winter.
This I believe to be the most approved modern theory
on the subject though there be many philosophers who
have entertained very different opinions ; some too of them,
entitled to much deference from their great antiquity and
illustrious characters. Thus it was advanced by some of
the ancient sages, that the earth was an extended plain,
supported by vast pillars; and by others, that it rested
on the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tortoise
but as they did not provide a resting place for either the
pillars or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to the ground,
for want of proper foundation.
The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon the
earth, and the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in
the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding
along the edge of the horizon to their original stations
during the night ; * while, according to the Pauranicas of
India, it is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of milk,
nectar, and other delicious liquids ; that it is studded with
seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre by a
mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and that a great
dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts
for the phenomena of lunar eclipses. {
Besides these, and many other equally sage opinions,
we have the profound conjectures of ABOUL-HASSANALY,
son of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of
Abdallah, son of Masoud-el-Hadheli, who is commonly
called MASOUDI, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who
takes the humble title of Lahebar-rasoul, which means
* Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus. note b. 7.
t Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Incl. Xod.
NEW. YORK. A
the companion of the ambassador of God. He has writ-
ten a universal history, entitled " Mouroudge-ed-dhahrab,
or, the Golden Meadows, and the mines of precious
Stones." * In this valuable work he has related the his-
tory of the world, from the creation down to the moment
of writing; which was under the Khaliphat of Mothi
Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th
year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs
us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina con-
stitute the head, Persia and India the right wing, the land
of Gog the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us>
moreover, that an earth has existed before the present,
(which he considers as a mere chicken of 7000 years,)
that it has undergone divers deluges, and that, according
to the opinion of some well-informed Brahmins of his ac-
quaintance, it will be renovated every seventy thousandth
hazarouam; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 years.
These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of
philosophers concerning the earth, and we find that the
learned have had equal perplexity as to the nature of the
sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have affirmed that
it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire;-f- others, that it is mere-
ly a mirror or sphere of transparent crystal ; { and a third
class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, maintained
that it was nothing but a huge ignited mass of iron or
stone indeed, he declared the heavens to be merely a
vault of stone, and that the stars were stones whirled up-
wards from the earth, and set on fire by the velocity of its
revolutions. But I give little attention to the doctrines
* MSS. Bibliot. Hoi. Fr.
f Plut de Plac. Philos. lib. ii. cap. 20.
J Achill. Tat. Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob. Eclog.
Phjs. lib. i. p, 56. Plut. de. Plac. Philos.
Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t. i. p. 26.
Plut. de Plac. Philos. Xenoph. Mem. 1. iv. p. 815.
4 HISTORY OF
of this philosopher, the people of Athens having fully re*
futed them, by banishing him from their city ; a concise
mode of answering unwelcome doctrines much resorted to
in former days. Another sect of philosophers do declare,
that certain fiery particles exhale constantly from the earth,
which concentrating in a single point of the firmament by
day$ constitute the sun, but being scattered and rambling
about in the dark at night, collect in various points, and
form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extinguish-
ed j not unlike to the lamps in our streets, and require a
fresh supply of exhalations for the next occasion. *
It is even recorded, that at certain remote and ob-
scure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel,
the sun has been completely burnt out, and sometimes
not rekindled for a month at a time. A most melancholy
circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast concern to
Heraclitus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity.
In addition to these various speculations, it was the opi-
nion of Herschel, that the sun is a magnificent, habitable
abode ; the light it furnishes arising from certain empy-
real, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swimming in its tran-
sparent atmosphere, -j-
But we will not enter further at present into the na-
ture of the sun, that being an inquiry not immediately
necessary to the developement of this history; neither
will we embroil ourselves in any more of the endless dis-
putes of philosophers touching the form of this globe, but
content ourselves with the theory advanced in the be-
ginning of this chapter, and will proceed to illustrate by
experiment, the complexity of motion therein ascribed to
this our rotatory planet.
Arlstot. Meteor. 1. ii.c. 2. Idem. Probl. see. 15. Stob. Eel. Phys.
1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil; t. L p. 1154, &c.
f Philos. Trans. 1795. p. 7?, Idem. 1801. p. 265. Nich. Philos.
Jbuni. i p. 13i
NEW-YORK. 5
Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the
name may be rendered into English) was long celebrated
in the university of Leyden, for most profound gravity of
deportment, and his talent at going to sleep in the midst
of examinations ; to the infinite relief of his hopeful stu-
dents, who thereby worked their way through college
with great ease and little study. In the course of one
of hisjectures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of
water* swung it round his head at arm's length ; the im-
pulse with which he threw the vessel from him being a
centrifugal force, the retention of his arm operating as a
centripetal power, and the bucket, which was a substitute
for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the
globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von Podding-
coft, which formed no bad representation of the sun. All
of these particulars were duly explained to the class of
gaping students around him. He apprised them more-
over, that the same principle of gravitation which retained
the water in the bucket, restrains the ocean from flying
from the earth in its rapid revolutions ; and he further
informed them, that should the motion of the earth be
suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall into the sun,
through the centripetal force of gravitation ; a most ruin-
ous event 'to this planet* and one which would also ob-
scure, though it most probably would not extinguish the
solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, one of those va-
grant geniuses who seem sent into the world merely to
annoy worthy men of the puddinghead order, desirous of
ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, suddenly
arrested the arm of the professor just at the moment that
the bucket was in its zenith, which immediately descended
with astonishing precision on the philosophic head of the
instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss
attended the contact, but the theory was in the amplest
manner illustrated, for the unfortunate bucket perished in
the conflict; but the blazing countenance of Professor
6 HISTORY OF
Von Poddingcoft, emerged from amidst the waters, glow-
in cr fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation where-
by the students were marvellously edified, and departed
considerably wiser than before.
It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes
many a pains-taking philosopher, that nature often refuses
to second his most profound and elaborate efforts ; so that
often after having invented one of the most ingenious and
natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness
to act directly in the teeth of his system, and flatly con-
tradict his most favourite positions. This is a manifest^
and unmerited grievance, since it throws the censure of
the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher;
whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which
is unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of dame
nature, who, with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is
continually indulging in coquetries and caprices, and seems
really to take pleasure in violating all philosophic rules,
and jilting the most learned and indefatigable of her
adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the foregoing
satisfactory explanation of the motion of our planet; it
appears that the centrifugal force has long since ceased to
operate, while its antagonist remains in undiminished po-
tency : the world therefore, according to the theory as it
originally stood, ought, in strict propriety, to tumble into
the sun philosophers were convinced that it would do so,
and awaited, in anxious impatience, the fulfilment of their
prognostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously con-
tinued her course, notwithstanding that she had reason,
philosophy, and a whole university of learned professors
opposed to her conduct. The philosophers took this in
very ill part, and it is thought they would never have par-
doned the slight and affront which they conceived put
upon them by the world, had not a goodnatured professor
kindly officiated as a mediator between the parties, and
effected a reconciliation.
NEW-YORK. 7
Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the
theory, he wisely determined to accommodate the theory
to the world : he therefore informed his brother philoso-
phers, that the circular motion of the earth round the sun
was no sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses
above described, than it became a regular revolution, inde-
pendent of the causes which gave it origin. His learned
brethren readily joined in the opinion, being heartily glad
of any explanation that would decently extricate them from
embarrassment and ever since that memorable era the
world has been left to take her own course, and to revolve
around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper.
CHAPTER II.
Cosmogony, or Creation of the World; with a multitude of excel-
lent Theories, by which the Creation of a World is shown to be
no such difficult matter as common Folks would imagine.
HAVING thus briefly introduced my reader to the world,
and given him some idea of its form and situation, he will
naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and
how it was created. And indeed the clearing up of these
points is absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if
this world had not been formed, it is more than probable,
that this renowned island, on which is situated the city of
New- York, would never have had an existence. The
regular course of my history, therefore, requires that I
should proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of
this our globe.
And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am
about to plunge for a chapter or two, into as complete a
labyrinth as ever historian was perplexed withal ; there-
fore, I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep
8 HISTORY OF
close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand nor
to the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligi-
ble learning, or have their brains knocked out by some
of those hard Greek names which will be flying about in
all directions. But should any of them be too indolent or
chicken-hearted to accompany me in this perilous under-
taking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait
for me at the beginning of some smoother chapter.
Of the creation of the world, we have a thousand con-*
tradictory accounts; and though a very satisfactory one
is furnished by divine revelation, yet every philosopher
feels himself in honour bound to furnish us with a better.
As an impartial historian, I consider it my duty to notice
their several theories, by which mankind have been so ex-
ceedingly edified and instructed.
Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that
the earth and the whole system of the universe, was the
deity himself; * a doctrine most strenuously maintained
by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by
Strato and the sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pytha-
goras likewise inculcated the famous numerical system of
the monad, dyad, and tryad ; and by means of his sacred
quaternary elucidated the formation of the world, the
arcana of nature, and the principles both of music and
morals. }- Other sages adhered to the mathematical system
of squares and triangles ; the cube, the pyramid, and the
sphere ; the tetrahedon, the octahedron, the icosahedron,
and the dodecahedron. J While others advocated the
great elementary theory, which refers the construction of
our globe and all that it contains, to the combinations of
four material elements, air, earth, fire, and water; with
* Aristot. ap. Cic, lib. i. cap. 3.
f- Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5. Idem de Coelo, 1. iii. c. 1. Rousseau,
Mem. sur. Musique Ancien. p. 39. Plutarch de Plac.Philos. lib.i. cap. 3,
Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii. p. 90.
NEW- YORK. 9
the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and vivifying prin-
ciple.
Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system
taught by old Moschus before the siege of Troy ; revived
by Democritus of laughing memory ; improved by Epi-
curus, that king of good fellows ; and modernised by the
fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring, whether the
atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are
'eternal or recent ; whether they are animate or inanimate ;
whether, agreeably to the opinion of Atheists, they were
fortuitously aggregated ; or, as the Theists maintain, were
arranged by a supreme intelligence. * Whether, in fact,
the earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be animated
by a soul ; -f- which opinion was strenuously maintained by
a host of philosophers, at the head of whom stands the
great Plato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold
water of philosophy on the form of sexual intercourse, and
inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love an exquisitely
refined intercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal
inhabitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis, than to the
sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, which
populates the little matter of fact island we inhabit.
Besides these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical
theogony of old Hesiod, who generated the whole universe
in the regular mode of procreation, and the plausible opi-
nion of others, that the earth was hatched from the great
egg of night, which floated in chaos, and was cracked by
the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last doc-
trine, Burnet, in his theory of the earth, J has favoured
us with an accurate drawing and description, both of the
* Aristot. Nat. Auscult, 1. ii. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph. lib. i. cap. 3.
ic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin Mart. Oral, ad Gent, p 20.
t Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim de Anim. Mund. ap.
Plat. lib. iii. Mem. de PAcad. des Belles Lettres, t. xxxii. p. 19 et al.
J Book i. ch. 5.
10 HISTORY OF
form and texture of this mundane egg ; which is found to
bear a near resemblance to that of a goose. Such of my
readers as take a proper interest in the origin of this our
planet, will be pleased to learn, that the most profound
sages of antiquity, among the Egyptians, Chaldeans, Per-
sians, Greeks, and Latins, have alternately assisted at the
hatching of this strange bird ; and that their cacklings
have been caught, and continued, in different tones and
inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto the pre-
sent day.
But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of
ancient sages, let me not pass over, with neglect, those of
other philosophers ; which, though less universal and re-
nowned, have equal claims to attention, and equal chance
for correctness. Thus it is recorded by the Brahmins, in
the pages of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bist-
noo, transformed himself into a great boar, plunged into
the watery abyss, and brought up the earth on his tusks.
Then issued from him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty
snake ; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the back
of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head of
the snake. *
The negro philosophers of Congo affirm, that the world
was made by the hands of angels, excepting their own
country, which the Supreme Being constructed himself,
that it might be supremely excellent. And he took great
pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black and
beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, he was
well pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face,
and. hence his nose, and the nose of all his descendants,
became flat.
The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant
woman fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise took
Holwell. Gent. Philosophy.
NEW-YORK. 1 i
her upon its back, because every place was covered with
water; and, that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise,
paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the
earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became
higher than the water. *
But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient
and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance,
in despite of all their erudition, compelled them to write
in languages which but few of my readers can understand ;
and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible
and fashionable theories of their modern successors.
And first I shall mention the great Buffon, who conjec-
tures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire,
scintillated from the body of the sun, by the percussion of
a comet, as a spark is generated by the collision of flint
and steel. That at first it was surrounded by gross va-
pours, which cooling and condensing in process of time,
constituted, according to their densities, earth, water, and
air; which gradually arranged themselves, according to
their respective gravities, round the burning or vitrified
mass, that formed their centre.
Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at
first were universally paramount ; and he terrifies himself
with the idea that the earth must be eventually washed
away, by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents,
until it is confounded with the ocean, or, in other words,
absolutely dissolves into itself. Sublime idea ! far sur-
passing that of the tender-hearted damsel of antiquity,
who wept herself into a fountain ; or the good dame of
Narbonne in France, who, for a volubility of tongue
unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred
thousand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually ran
* Johannes Megapolensis, jun. Account of Maquaas or Mohawk
Indians, 1644.
12 HISTORY OF
out at her eyes, before half the hideous task was accom-*
plished.
Whiston, the sairie ingenious philosopher who rivalled
Ditton in his researches after the longitude, (for which the
mischief-loving Swift discharged on their heads a most
savoury stanza,) has distinguished himself by a very ad-
mirable theory respecting the earth. He conjectures that
it was originally a chaotic comet, which, being selected for
the abode of man, was removed from its eccentric orbit,
and whirled round the sun in its present regular motion ;
by which change of direction, order succeeded to confu-
sion in the arrangement of its component parts. The
philosopher adds, that the deluge was produced by an
uncourteous salute from the watery tail of another comet ;
doubtless through sheer envy of its improved condition :
thus, furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may pre-
vail, even among the heavenly bodies, and discord inter-
rupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, so melodiously
sung by the poets.
But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among
which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and White*-
hurst ; regretting extremely that my time will not suffer
me to give them the notice they deserve And shall con-
clude with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This
learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme
as reason, and for goodnatured credulity as serious research;
and who has recommended himself wonderfully to the good
graces of the ladies, by letting them into all the gallantries,
amours, debaucheries, and other topics of scandal of the
court of Flora ; has fallen upon a theory worthy of his
combustible imagination. According to his opinion, the
huge mass of chaos took a sudden occasion to explode,
like a barrel of gunpowder, and, in that act, exploded the
sun which in its flight by a similar convulsion, exploded
the earth which in like guise exploded the moon and
thus, by a concatenation of explosions, the whole solar"
NEW. YORK, /is
system was produced, and set most systematically in
motion ! *
By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every
one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found sur-
prisingly consistent in all its parts ; my unlearned readers
will perhaps be led to conclude, that the creation of a
world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined.
I have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in
which a world could be constructed; and, I have no
doubt, that had any of the philosophers above quoted, the
use of a good manageable comet, and the philosophical
warehouse, chaos^ at his command, he would engage to
manufacture a planet as good, or if you would take his
word for it, better than this we inhabit.
And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of provi-
dence, in creating comets for the great relief of bewildered
philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions
and transitions are effected in the system of nature, than
are wrought in a pantomimic exhibition, by the wonder-
working sword of harlequin. Should one of our modern
sages, in his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find
himself lost in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into
the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a
comet by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he
gallops in triumph, like an enchanter on his hippogriff, or
a Connecticut witch on her broomstick, " to sweep the
cobwebs out of the sky."
It is an old and vulgar saying, about a " beggar on
horseback," which I would not for the world have applied
to these reverend philosophers ; but I must confess, that
some of them, when they are mounted on one of those
fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvettings as was Phaeton
* Darw. Bot. Garden. Part I. Cant. i. 1. 105*
14 HISTORY OF
of yore, when he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoe-
bus. One drives his comet at full speed against the sun,
and knocks the world out of him with the mighty concus-
sion ; another more moderate, makes his comet a kind of
beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply of food
and fagots; a third, of more combustible disposition,
threatens to throw his comet, like a bombshell into the
world, and blow it up like a powder magazine ; while a
fourth, with no great delicacy to this planet, and its in-
habitants, insinuates that some day or other* his comet
my modest pen blushes while I write it shall absolutely turn
tail upon our world and deluge it with water ! Surely, as
I have already observed, comets were bountifully provided
by providence for the benefit of philosophers, to assist
them in manufacturing theories.
And now, having adduced several of the most prominent
theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my judici-
ous readers at full liberty to choose among them. They
are all serious speculations of learned men all differ essen-
tially from each other and all have the same title to be-
lief. It has ever been the task of one race of philosophers
to demolish the works of their predecessors, and elevate
more splendid fantasies in their stead, which, in their turn,
are demolished and replaced by the air-castles of a suc-
ceeding generation. Thus, it would seem that knowledge
and genius, of which we make such great parade, consist
but in detecting the errors and absurdities of those who
have gone before, and devising new errors and absurdities,
to be detected by those who are to come after us. The-
ories are the mighty soap-bubbles, with which the grown-
up children of science amuse themselves ; while the honest
vulgar stand gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these
learned vagaries with the name of wisdom ! Surely So-
crates was right in his opinion, that philosophers are but a
soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things to-
NEW-YORK. 15
tally incomprehensible, or which, if they could be com-
prehended, would be found not worthy the trouble of dis-
covery.
For my own part, until the learned have come to an
agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with
the account handed down to us by Moses ; in which I do
but follow the example of our ingenious neighbours of
Connecticut; who at their first settlement proclaimed,
that the colony should be governed by the laws of God -
until they had time to make better.
One thing however appears certain from the unani-
mous authority of the before quoted philosophers, sup-
ported by the evidence of our own senses, (which, though
very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as ad-
ditional testimony,) it appears, I say, and I make the as-
sertion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, that this
globe really was created, and that it is composed of land
and water. It further appears that it is curiously divided
and parcelled out into continents and islands, among which
I boldly declare the renowned ISLAND OF NEW-YORK will
be found by any one who seeks for it in its proper place.
CHAPTER III.
How far that famous Navigator, Noah, was shamefully nick-
named ; and how he committed an unpardonable oversight in
not having Four Sons: with the great trouble of Philosophers
caused thereby, and the Discovery of America.
NOAH, who is the first sea-faring man we read of, begat
three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Authors it is true
are not wanting, who affirm that the patriarch had a num-
ber of other children. Thus Berosus makes him father
of the gigantic Titans, Methodius gives him a son called
16 HISTORY OF
Jonithus, or Jonicus, (who was the first inventor of Johnny
cakes,) and others have mentioned a son, named Thuiscon,
from whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or in
other words the Dutch nation.
I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not
permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers,
by investigating minutely the history of the great Noah.
Indeed such an undertaking would be attended with more
trouble than many people would imagine; for the good
old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his
day, and to have passed under a different name in every
country that he visited. The Chaldeans for instance give
us his story, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus
a trivial alteration, which, to an historian skilled in ety-
mologies, will appear wholly unimportant. It appears
likewise, that he had exchanged his tarpawling and qua-
drant among the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous insignia of
royalty, and appears as a monarch in their annals. The
Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris; the
Indians as Menu; the Greek and Roman writers con-
found him with Ogyges, and the Theban with Deucalion
and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly rank a-
mong the most extensive and authentic historians, inas-
much as they have known the world much longer than
any one else, declare that Noah was no other than Fohi ;
and what gives this assertion some air of credibility is,
that it i$ a fact, admitted by the most enlightened literati,
that Noah travelled into China, at the time of the building
of the tower of Babel, (probably to improve himself in the
study of languages,) and the learned Dr. Shuckford gives
us the additional information, that the ark rested on a
mountain on the frontiers of China.
From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypo-*-
theses, many satisfactory deductions might be drawn ; but
I shall pontent myself with the simple fact stated in the
Bible, viz. that Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and
NEW-YORK. 17
Japhet. It is astonishing on what remote and obscure
contingencies the great affairs of this world depend, and
how events the most distant and to the common observer
unconnected, are inevitably consequent the one to the
other. It remains to the philosopher to discover these
mysterious affinities, and it is the proudest triumph of his
skill, to detect and drag forth some latent chain of causa-
tion, which at first sight appears a paradox to the inexpe-
rienced observer. Thus many of my readers will doubt-
less wonder, what connexion the family of Noah can pos-
sibly have with this history and many will stare when
informed, that the whole history of this quarter of the
world has taken its character and course, from the simple
circumstance of the patriarch's having but three sons *
but to explain.
Noah, we are told by sundry very credible historians,
becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the earth,
in fee simple, after the deluge, like a good father portioned
out his estate among his children. To Shem he gave
Asia, to Ham, Africa, and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is
a thousand times to be lamented that he had but three
sons, for had there been a fourth, he would doubtless have
inherited America; which of course would have been
dragged forth from its obscurity on the occasion; and
thus many a hard working historian and philosopher
would have been spared a prodigious mass of weary con-
jecture, respecting the first discovery and population of
this country. Noah, however, having provided for his
three sons, looked, in all probability, upon our country as
mere wild, unsettled land, and said nothing about it, and
to this unpardonable taciturnity of the patriarch may we
ascribe the misfortune, that America did not come into
the world, as early as the other quarters of the globe.
It is true, some writers have vindicated him from this
misconduct towards posterity, and asserted that he really
did discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Mark
C
18 HISTORY OF
Lescarbot, a French writer, possessed of that ponderosity
of thought, and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to
Jiis nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah peo-
pled this quarter of the globe, and that the old patriarch
himself, who still retained a passion for the seafaring life,
superintended the transmigration. The pious and enlight-
ened father Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable for
his aversion to the marvellous, common to all great travel-
lers, is conclusively of the same opinion ; nay, he goes still
further, and decides upon the manner in which the dis-
covery was effected, which was by sea, and under the im-
mediate direction of the great Noah. " I have already
observed," exclaims the good father in a tone of becoming
indignation, " that it is an arbitrary supposition that the
grandchildren of Noah were not able to penetrate into
the new world, or that they never thought of it. In ef-
fect, I can see no reason that can justify such a notion.
Who can seriously believe, that Noah and his immediate
descendants knew less than we do, and that the builder
and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a ship which
was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so
many shoals and quicksands to guard against, should be
ignorant of, or should not have communicated to his de-
scendants the art of sailing on the ocean ? Therefore they
did sail on the ocean therefore they sailed to America
therefore America was discovered by Noah !"
Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so
strikingly characteristic of the good father, being addressed
to the faith, rather than the understanding, is flatly op-
posed by Hans de Laet, who declares it a real and most
ridiculous paradox, to suppose that Noah ever entertained
the thought of discovering America; and as Hans is a
Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe he must have been
much better acquainted with the worthy crew of the ark
than his competitors, and of course possessed of more ac-
curate sources of information. It is astonishing how inti-
NEW-YORK. 19
mate historians do daily become with the patriarchs and
other great men of antiquity. As intimacy improves with
time, and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and
familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, I should
not be surprised, if some future writers should gravely
give us a picture of men and manners as they existed be-
fore the flood, far more copious and accurate than the
Bible ; and that, in the course of another century, the log-
book of the good Noah should be as current among his-
torians, as the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned
history of Robinson Crusoe.
I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass
of additional suppositions, conjectures, and probabilities
respecting the first discovery of this country, with which
unhappy historians overload themselves, in their endeav-
ours to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is
painful to see these laborious wights panting and toiling,
and sweating under an enormous burden, at the very out-
set of their works, which on being opened, turns out to be
nothing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, by
unwearied assiduity, they seem to have established the fact,
to the satisfaction of all the world, that this country has
been discovered, I shall avail myself of their useful labours
to be extremely brief upon this point.
I shall not therefore stop to inquire, whether America
was first discovered by a wandering vessel of that cele-
brated Phoenician fleet, which, according to Herodotus,
circumnavigated Africa ; or by that Carthaginian expedi-
tion, which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us, discovered
the Canary Islands ; or whether it was settled by a tempo-
rary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Seneca.
I shall neither inquire whether it was first discovered by
the Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness advances,
nor by the Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn; nor by
Behem, the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeav-
20 HISTORY OF
cured to prove to the s^avaiis of the learned city of Phila-
delphia.
Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the
Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the
eleventh century, who having never returned, it has since
been wisely concluded that he must have gone to America,
and that for a plain reason if he did not go there, where
else could he have gone ? a question which, most Socra-
tically, shuts out all further dispute.
Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above-men-
tioned, with a multitude of others, equally satisfactory, I
shall take for granted the vulgar opinion, that America
was discovered on the 12th of October, 1492, by Christo-
vallo Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nick-named
Golumbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the
voyages and adventures of this Colon, I shall say nothing,
seeing that they are already sufficiently known. Nor shall
I undertake to prove that this country should have been
called Colonia, after his name, that being notoriously self-
evident.
Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the
Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impatience to enter
upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in full ex-
pectation that I will immediately deliver it into their pos-
session. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of
a regular bred historian. No no most curious and
thrice learned readers, (for thrice learned ye are if ye have
read all that has gone before, and nine times learned shall
ye be, if ye read that comes after,) we have yet a world of
work before us. Think you the first discoverers of this
fair quarter of the globe, had nothing to do but go on
shore and find a country ready laid out and cultivated
like a garden, wherein they might revel at their ease ? No
such thing they had forests to cut down, underwood to
grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to exterminate.
NEW-YORK. 21
In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away,
questions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain, before I
permit you to range at random ; but these difficulties once
overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right merrily
through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in
a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same
manner as the sound of poetry has been found by certain
shrewd critics, to echo the sense this being an improve-
ment in history, which I claim the merit of having in-
vented.
CHAPTER IV.
Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have had in peopling
America and horv the Aborigines came to be begotten by acci-
dent, to the great relief and satisfaction of the Author.
THE next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular
course of our history, is to ascertain, if possible, how this
country was originally peopled ; a point fruitful of incredi-
ble embarrassments ; for unless we prove that the aborigi-
nes did absolutely come from somewhere, it will be im-
mediately asserted in this age of scepticism, that they did
not come at all ; and if they did not come at all, then was
this country never populated a conclusion perfectly agree-
able to the rules of logic, but wholly irreconcileable to
every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogisti-
cally prove fatal to the innumerable aborigines of this po-
pulous region.
To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical
annihilation so many millions of fellow-creatures, how
many wings of geese have been plundered ! what oceans
of ink have been benevolently drained ! and how many
capacious heads of learned historians have been addled and
22 HISTORY OF
for ever confounded ! I pause with reverential awe, when
I contemplate the ponderous tomes in different languages,
with which they have endeavoured to solve this question,
so important to the happiness of society, but so invol-
ved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. Historian af-
ter historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypo-
thetical argument, and after leading us a weary chace
through octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the
end of his work, just as wise as we were at the beginning.
It was doubtless some philosophical wild-goose chase of
the kind, that made the old poet Macrobius rail in such a
passion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily,
as "an irksome, agonizing care, a superstitious industry
about unprofitable things, an itching humour to see what
is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies nothing
when it is done." But to proceed :
Of the claims of the children of Noah, to the original
population of this country, I shall say nothing, as they have
already been touched upon in my last chapter. The claim-
ants next in celebrity, are the descendants of Abraham.
Thus Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) when
he first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola immedi-
ately concluded, with a shrewdness that would have done
honour to a philosopher, that he had found the ancient
Ophir, from whence Solomon procured the gold for em-
bellishing the temple at Jerusalem : nay, Colon even ima-
gined that he saw the remains of furnaces of veritable He-
braic construction, employed in refining the precious ore.
So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fascinating
extravagance, was too tempting not to be immediately
snapped at by the gudgeons of learning; and accordingly,
there were divers profound writers, ready to swear to its
correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authorities,
and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vatablus
and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be more
clear : Arius Montanus, without the least hesitation, asserts
NEW-YORK. 23
that Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early
settlers of the country ; while Possevin, Becan, and several
other sagacious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the
fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted in the mighty
hypothesis, like the key-stone of an arch, gives it in their
opinion, perpetual durability.
Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly
superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite au-
thors, with Hans de Laet the great Dutchman at their
head ; and at one blow, tumbles the whole fabric about
their ears. Hans, in fact, contradicts outright all the
Israelitish claims to the first settlements of this country,
attributing all those equivocal symptoms, and traces of
Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to be
found in divers provinces of the New World, to the Devil,
who has always affected to counterfeit the worship of the
true Deity. " A remark," says the knowing old Padre
d'Acosta, " made by all good authors who have spoken
of the religion of nations newly discovered, and founded
besides on the authority of the fathers of the church. 9 '
Some writers again, among whom it is with great regret
I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara, and Juan
de Leri, insinuate that the Canaanites, being driven from
the land of promise by the Jews, were seized with such a
panic that they fled without looking behind them, until
stopping to take breath, they found themselves safe in
America. As they brought neither their national lan-
guage, manners, nor features, with them, it is supposed
they left them behind in the hurry of their flight. I can-
not give my faith to this opinion.
I pass over the supposition of the learned Grotius, who
being both an ambassador and a Dutchman to boot, is
entitled to great respect ; that North America was peopled
by a strolling company of Norwegians, and that Peru was
founded by a colony from China Manco, or Mungo Ca-
pac, the first Incas, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall I
24 HISTORY OF
more than barely mention, that father Kircher ascribes
the settlement of America to the Egyptians, Budbeck to
the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus Petri
to a skaiting party from Friesland, Milius to the Celtse,
Marinocus the Sicilian to the Romans, Le Comte to the
Phoenicians, Postel to the Moors, Martin d'Angleria to
the Abyssinians, together with the sage surmise of De
Laet, that England, Ireland, and the Orcades may con-
tend for that honour.
Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the
idea that America is the fairy region of Zipangri, described
by that dreaming traveller Marco Polo the Venetian ; or
that it comprises the visionary island of Atlantis, described
by Plato. Neither will I stop to investigate the heathen-
ish assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of the
globe was originally furnished with an Adam and Eve : or
the more flattering opinion of Dr. Romayne, supported
by many nameless authorities, that Adam was of the In-
dian race : or the startling conjecture of Buffon, Helve tius,
and Darwin, so highly honourable to mankind, that the
whole human species is accidentally descended from a re-
markable family of monkeys !
This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very
suddenly and very ungraciously. I have often beheld the
clown in a pantomime, while gazing in stupid wonder at
the extravagant gambols of a harlequin, all at once elec-
trified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his
shoulders. Little did I think at such times, that it would
ever fall to my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy,
and that while I was quietly beholding these grave philo-
sophers emulating the eccentric transformations of the hero
of pantomime, they would on a sudden turn upon me and
my readers, and with one hypothetical flourish metamor-
phose us into beasts ! I determined from that moment
not to burn my fingers with any more of their theories,
but content myself with detailing the different methods by
NEW-YORK. 25
which they transported the descendants of these ancient
and respectable monkeys, to this great field of theoretical
warfare.
This was done either by migrations by land or trans-
migrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph d'Acosta enu-
merates three passages by land, first by the north of Eu-
rope, secondly by the north of Asia, and thirdly by regions
southward of the straits of Magellan. The learned Grotius
marches his Norwegians by a pleasant route across frozen
rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland,
Estotiland, and Naremberga. And various writers, among
whom are Angleria, De Hornn, and Buffon, anxious for
the accommodation of these travellers, have fastened the
two continents together by a strong chain of deductions
by which means they could pass over dryshod. But should
even this fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gentleman,
who compiles books, and manufactures Geographies, has
constructed a natural bridge of ice, from continent to con-
tinent, at the distance of four or five miles from Behring's
straits for which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of
all the wandering aborigines who ever did or ever will
pass over it.
It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the wor-
thy writers above quoted, could ever commence his work,
without immediately declaring hostilities against every
writer who had treated of the same subject. In this par-
ticular, authors may be compared to a certain sagacious
bird, which in building its nest is sure to pull to pieces the
nests of all the birds in its neighbourhood. This unhappy
propensity tends grievously to impede the progress of
sound knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle pro-
ductions, and when once committed to the stream, they
should take care that like the notable pots which were fel-
low-voyagers, they do not crack each other.
For my part, when I beheld the sages I have quoted
gravely accounting for unaccountable things, and discourse
D
26 HISTORY OF
ing thus wisely about matters for ever hidden from their
eyes, like a blind man describing the glories of light, and
the beauty and harmony of colours, I fell back in aston-
ishment at the amazing extent of human ingenuity.
If, cried I to myself, these learned men can weave whole
systems out of nothing, what would be their productions
were they furnished with substantial materials if they can
argue and dispute thus ingeniously about subjects beyond
their knowledge, what would be the profundity of their
observations, did they but know what they were talking
about ! Should old Rhadamanthus, when he comes to
decide upon their conduct while on earth, have the least
idea of the usefulness of their labours, he will undoubtedly
class them with those notorious wise men of Gotham, who
milked a bull, twisted a rope of sand, and wove a velvet
purse from a sow's ear.
My chief surprise is, that among the many writers I
have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that this
country was peopled from the moon or that the first in-
habitants floated hither on islands of ice, as white bears
cruize about the northern oceans or that they were con-
veyed hither by balloons, as modern aeronauts pass from
Dover to Calais or by witchcraft, as Simon Magus posted
among the stars or after the manner of the renowned
Scythian Abaris, who like the New- England witches on
full-blooded broomsticks, made most unheard-of journeys
on the back of a golden arrow, given him by the Hyper-
borean Apollo.
But there is still one mode left by which this country
could have been peopled, which I have reserved for the
last, because I consider it worth all the rest; it is by ac-
cident ! Speaking of the islands of Solomon, New- Guinea,
and New-Holland, the profound father Charlevoix ob-
serves, " in fine, all these countries are peopled, and it is
possible, some have been so by accident. Now if it could
have happened in that manner, why might it not have been
NEW-YORK. 27
at the same time, and by the same means, with the other parts
of the globe ?" This ingenious mode of deducing certain
conclusions from possible premises, is an improvement in
syllogistic skill, and proves the good father superior even
to Archimedes, for he can turn the world without any
thing to rest his lever upon. It is only surpassed by the
dexterity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in another
place, cuts the gordian knot " Nothing," says he, " is
more easy. The inhabitants of both hemispheres are cer-
tainly the descendants of the same father. The common
father of mankind received an express order from Heaven
to people the world, and accordingly it has been peopled.
To bring this about, it was necessary to overcome all diffi-
culties in the way, and they have also been overcome!" Pious
Logician ! How does he put all the herd of laborious
theorists to the blush, by explaining in five words, what
it has cost them volumes to prove they knew nothing
about !
They have long been picking at the lock, and fretting
at the latch, but the honest father at once unlocks the door
by bursting it open, and when he has it once a-jar, he is
at full liberty to pour in as many nations as he pleases.
This proves to a demonstration that a little piety is better
than a cart-load of philosophy, and is a practical illustra-
tion of that scriptural promise By faith ye shall move
mountains."
From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety of
others which I have consulted, but which are omitted
through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader I can
only draw the following conclusions, which, luckily how-
ever, are sufficient for my purpose First, That this part
of the world has actually been peopled (Q. E. D.) : to sup-
port which, we have living proofs in the numerous tribes
of Indians that inhabit it. Secondly, That it has been
peopled in five hundred different ways, as proved by a
cloud of authors, who from the positiveness of their asser-
28 HISTORY OF
tions seem to have been eye-witnesses to the fact Third-
ly, That the people of this country had a variety of fathers,
which as it may not be thought much to their credit by
the common run of readers, the less we say on the subject
the better. The question therefore, I trust, is for ever at
rest.
CHAPTER V.
In which the Author 'puts a mighty Question to the rout, by the
assistance of the Man in the Moon which not only delivers
thousands of People from great embarrassment) but likewise
concludes this introductory book.
THE writer of a history may, in some respects, be lik-
ened unto an adventurous knight, who having undertaken
a perilous enterprize, by way of establishing his fame, feels
bound in honour and chivalry, to turn back for no diffi-
culty nor hardship, and never to shrink or quail, whatever
enemy he may encounter. Under this impression, I re-
solutely draw my pen and fall to with might and main, at
those doughty questions and subtle paradoxes, which, like
fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset the entrance to my
history, and would fain repulse me from the very threshold.
And at this moment a gigantic question has started up,
which I must needs take by the beard and utterly subdue,
before I can advance another step in my historic under-
taking but I trust this will be the last adversary I shall
have to contend with, and that in the next book I shall be
enabled to conduct my readers in triumph into the body
of my work.
The question which has thus suddenly arisen, is, What
right had the first discoverers of America to land and take
possession of a country, without first gaining the consent
NEW- YORK. 29
of its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate compen-
sation for their territory? a question which has withstood
many fierce assaults, and has given much distress of mind
to multitudes of kind-hearted folks. And indeed, until it
be totally vanquished, and put to rest, the worthy people
of America can by no means enjoy the soil they inhabit,
with clear right and title, and quiet, unsullied consciences.
The first source of right, by which property is acquired
in a country, is DISCOVERY. For as all mankind have an
equal right to any thing, which has never before been ap-
propriated ; so any nation, that discovers an uninhabited
country, and takes possession thereof, is considered as en-
joying full property, and absolute, unquestionable empire
therein. *
This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly, that
the Europeans who first visited America, were the real
discoverers of the same ; nothing being necessary to the
establishment of this fact, but simply to prove that it was
totally uninhabited by man. This would at first appear
to be a point of some difficulty, for it is well known, that
this quarter of the world abounded with certain animals,
that walked erect on two feet ; had something of the hu-
man countenance; uttered certain unintelligible sounds,
very much like language ; in short, had a marvellous re-
semblance to human beings. But the zealous and en-
lightened fathers, who accompanied the discoverers, for
the purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by es-
tablishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on earth, soon
cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of his ho-
liness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers and dis-
coverers.
They plainly proved, and as there were no Indian writ-
ers arose on the other side, the fact was considered as fully
Grotius. Puftendorf, b. v. c. 4-. Yattel* b i. e. 18, &c.
30 HISTORY OF
admitted and established, that the two legged race of ani*
mals before mentioned, were mere cannibals, detestable
monsters, and many of them giants ; which last description
of vagrants have, since the times of Gog, Magog, and
Goliath, been considered as outlaws, and have received no
quarter in either history, chivalry, or song. Indeed, even
the philosophic Bacon, declared the Americans to be peo-
ple proscribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they
had a barbarous custom of sacrificing men, and feeding
upon man's flesh.
Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism :
among many other writers of discernment, Ulloa tells us,
" their imbecility is so visible, that one can hardly form
an idea of them different from what one has of the brutes.
Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally
insensible to disasters and to prosperity. Though half
naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his most
splendid array. Fear makes no impression on them, and
respect as little." All this is furthermore supported by
the authority of M. Bouguer. " It is not easy," says he,
" to describe the degree of their indifference for wealth
and all its advantages. One does not well know what
motives to propose to them when one would persuade
them to any service. It is vain to offer them money, they
answer that they are not hungry." And Vanegas con-
firms the whole, assuring us that " ambition they have
none, and are more desirous of being thought strong than
valiant* The objects of ambition with us, honour, fame,
reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions, are unknown
among them. So that this powerful spring of action, the
cause of so much seeming good and real evil in the world,
has no power over them. In a word, these unhappy mor-
tals may be compared to children, in whom the develope-
ment of reason is not completed."
Now all these peculiarities, although in the unenlight-
ened states of Greece, they would have entitled their pos-
NEW-YORK. 31
sessors to immortal honour, as having reduced to practice
those rigid and abstemious maxims, the mere talking about
which, acquired certain old Greeks the reputation of sages
and philosophers; yet were they clearly proved in the
present instance, to betoken a most abject and brutified
nature, totally beneath the human character. But the be-
nevolent fathers, who had undertaken to turn these un-
happy savages into dumb beasts, by dint of argument, ad-
vanced still stronger proofs ; for as certain divines of the
sixteenth century, and among the rest Lullus, affirm, the
Americans go naked, and have no beards ! " They have
nothing," says Lullus, " of the reasonable animal, except
the mask." And even that mask was allowed to avail
them but little, for it was soon found that they were of a
hideous copper complexion and being of a copper com-
plexion, it was all the same as if they were negroes and
negroes are black, " and black," said the pious fathers,
devoutly crossing themselves, " is the colour of the devil !"
Therefore, so far from being able to own property, they
had no right even to personal freedom, for liberty is too
radiant a deity, to inhabit such gloomy temples. All which
circumstances plainly convinced the righteous followers of
Cortes arid Pizarro, that these miscreants had no title to
the soil that they infested that they were a perverse, illi-
terate, dumb, beardless, black-seed mere wild beasts of
the forests, and like them should either be subdued or ex-
terminated.
From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a vari-
ety of others equally conclusive, which I forbear to enu-
merate, it was clearly evident that this fair quarter of the
globe, when first visited by Europeans, was a howling
wilderness, inhabited by nothing but wild beasts; and
that the transatlantic visitors acquired an incontrovertible
property therein, by the right of discovery.
This right being fully established, we now come to the
next, which is the right acquired by cultivation. " The
32 HISTORY OF
cultivation of the soil," we are told, " is an obligation im-
posed by nature on mankind. The whole world is ap-
pointed for the nourishment of its inhabitants: but it
would be incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Every
nation is then obliged by the law of nature to cultivate
the ground that has fallen to its share. Those people,
like the ancient Germans and modern Tartars, who, hav-
ing fertile countries, disdain to cultivate the earth, an,d
choose to live by rapine, are wanting .to themselves, and
deserve to be exterminated as savage arid pernicious beasts." *
Now it is notorious, that the savages knew nothing of
agriculture, when first discovered by the Europeans, but
lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life,
rambling from place to place, and prodigally rioting upon
the spontaneous luxuries of nature, without tasking her
generosity to yield them any thing more; whereas it has
been most unquestionably shown, that heaven intended
the earth should be ploughed and sown, and manured,
and laid out into cities, and towns, and farms, and coun-
try seats, and pleasure grounds, and public gardens, all
which the Indians knew nothing about therefore they
did not improve the talents providence had bestowed on
them therefore they were careless stewards therefore
they had no right to the soil therefore they deserved to
be exterminated.
It is true the savages might plead that they drew all
the benefits from the land which their simple wants re-
quired they found plenty of game to hunt, which, toge-
ther with the roots and uncultivated fruits of the earth,
furnished a sufficient variety for their frugal repasts;
and that as heaven merely designed the earth to form the
abode, and satisfy the wants of man ; so long as those pur-
poses were answered, the will of heaven was accomplished.
Vattel, !>. i, c. 17. See likewise Grotius, Puffendorf, &c.
NEW-YORK. 33
But this otily proves how undeserving they were of the
blessings around them they were so much the more sa-
vages for not having more wants; for knowledge is in
some degree an increase of desires, and it is this superio
rity^ both in the riiimber and magnitude of his desires,
that distinguishes the man from the beast, Therefore the
Indians, in not having more wants, were very unreason-
able animals; and it was but just that they should make
way for the Europeans, who had a thousand wanfcs fe)
their one, and therefore would turn the earth to more
account, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfil the will of
heaven. Besides Grotius and Lauterbach, and Puffen-
4orf, and Titius, and many wise men beside, who have
considered the matter properly, have determined, that the
property of a country cannot be acquired by hunting, cut-
ting wood, or drawing water in it nothing but precise
demarcation of limits, and the intention of cultivation, can
establish the possession. Now as the savages (probably
from never having read the authors above quoted) had
never complied with any of these necessary forms, it plainly
followed that they had no right to the soil, but that it was
completely at the disposal of the first comers, who had
more knowledge, more wants, and more elegant, that is
to say, artificial desires, than themselves.
In entering upon a newly discovered, uncultivated coun-
try, therefore, the new comers were but taking possession
of what, according to the aforesaid doctrine, was their own
property therefore in opposing them, the savages were
invading their just rights, infringing the immutable laws
of nature, and counteracting the will of heaven therefore
they were guilty of impiety, burglary, and trespass on the
case therefore they were hardened offenders against God
and man therefore they ought to be exterminated.
But a more irresistible right than either that I have men-r
tioned, and one which will be the most readily admitted
by my reader, provided he be blessed >yith bowels of cha-
E
34 HISTORY OF
rity and philanthropy, is the right acquired by civilization.
All the world knows the lamentable state in which these
poor savages were found. Not only deficient in the com-
forts of life, but what is still worse, most piteously and
unfortunately blind to the miseries of their situation. But
no sooner did the benevolent inhabitants of Europe behold
their sad condition than they immediately went to work
to ameliorate and improve it. They introduced among
them rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life
and it is astonishing to read how soon the poor savages
learnt to estimate these blessings they likewise made
known to them a thousand remedies, by which the most
inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed, and that
they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy the com-
forts of these medicines, they previously introduced among
them the diseases which they were calculated to cure. By
these and a variety of other methods was the condition of
these poor savages wonderfully improved ; they acquired
a thousand wants of which they had before been ignorant,
and as he has most sources of happiness, who has most
wants to be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a
much happier race of beings.
But the most important branch of civilization, and
which has most strenuously been extolled, by the zealous
and pious fathers of the Romish Church, is the introduc-
tion of the Christian faith. Jt was truly a sight that might
well inspire horror, to behold these savages, stumbling
among the dark mountains of paganism, and guilty of the
most horrible ignorance of religion. It is true, they nei-
ther stole nor defrauded ; they were sober, frugal, conti-
nent, and faithful to their word; but though they acted
right habitually, it was .all in vain, unless they acted so
from precept. The new comers therefore used every me-
thod, to induce them to embrace and practise the true re-
ligion except indeed that of setting them the example.
But notwithstanding all these complicated labours for
NEW. YORK. 35
their good, such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these
stubborn wretches, that they ungratefully refused to ac-
knowledge the strangers as their benefactors, and persis-
ted in disbelieving the doctrines they endeavoured to in-
culcate ; most insolently alleging, that from their conduct,
the advocates of Christianity did not seem to believe in it
themselves. Was not this too much for human patience?
would not one suppose, that the benign visitants from
Europe, provoked at their incredulity, and discouraged
by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would for ever have aban-
doned their shores, and consigned them to their original
ignorance and misery? But no so zealous were they to
effect the temporal comfort and eternal salvation of these
pagan infidels, that they even proceeded from the milder
means of persuasion to the more painful and troublesome
one of persecution Let loose among them whole troops
of fiery monks and furious bloodhounds purified them
by fire and sword, by stake and fagot ; in consequence of
which indefatigable measures, the cause of Christian love
and charity was so rapidly advanced, that in a very few
years, not one-fifth of the number of unbelievers existed
in South America, that were found there at the time of its
discovery.
What stronger right need the European settlers advance
to the country than this ? Have not whole nations of un-
informed savages been made acquainted with a thousand
imperious wants and indispensable comforts, of which they
were before wholly ignorant Have they not been literally
hunted and smoked out of the dens and lurking places of
ignorance and infidelity, and absolutely scourged into the
right path ?- Have not the temporal things, the vain bau-
bles and filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt to
engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been benevolently
taken from them ; and have they not instead thereof, been
taught to set their affections on things above ? And final-
ly, to use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in a let-
86 HIS? ORY OF
ter to his superior iri Spain " Can any one have the?
presumption to say, that these savage Pagans, have yield-
ed any thing more than an inconsiderable recompense to
their benefactors ; in surrendering to them a little pitiful
tract of this dirty sublunary planet, in exchange for a glq*
rioiis inheritance iri the kingdom of Heaven !"
Here then are three complete and undeniable sources
of right established, any one of which was more than am-
ple ito establish a property in the newly discovered regions
of America. Now, so it has happened in certain parts of
this delightful quarter of the globe, that the right of dis-
covery has been so strenuously asserted, the influence of
cultivation so industriously extended, and the progress of
salvation and civilization so zealously prosecuted; that$
what with their attendant wars, persecutions, oppressions,
diseases, and other partial evils that often hang on the
skirts of great benefits, the savage aborigines have, some
how or another, been utterly annihilated ; and this all at
once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth all the
others put together ; for the original claimants to the soil
being all dead and buried, and no one remaining to inherit
or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as the next immediate
occupants, entered upon the possession as clearly as the
hangman succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor and
as they have Blackstdhe, * and all the learned expounders
of the law on their side, they may set all actions of eject-
ment at defiance and this last right may be entitled, the
RIGHT BY EXTERMINATION, or in other words, the RIGHT
fcY GUNPOWDER.
But lest any scruples of conscience should remain on
this head, and to settle the question of right for ever, his
holiness Pope Alexander VI. issued a mighty bull, by
which he generously granted the newly discovered quarter
1. Com. b. ii. c. 1.
NEW-YORK, 37
of the globe to the Spaniards and Portuguese ; who, thus
having law and gospel on their side, and being inflained
with great spiritual zeal, showed the pagan savages neither
favour nor affection, but prosecuted the work of discovery,
colonization, civilization, and extermination, with ten times
more fury than -ever.
Thus were the European worthies who first discovered
America clearly entitled to the soil ; and not only entitled
to the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these in-
fidel savages, for having come so far, endured so many
perils by sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains,
for no other purpose but to improve their forlorn, uncivi-
lized, and heathenish condition for having made them
acquainted with the comforts of life for having introduced
among them the light of religion ; and, finally, for having
hurried them out of the world, to enjoy its reward !
But as argument is never so well understood by us sel-
fish mortals, as when it comes home to ourselves, and as
I am particularly anxious that this question should be put
to rest for ever, I will suppose a parallel case, by way of
arousing the candid attention of my readers.
Let us suppose then, that the inhabitants of the moon,
by astonishing advancement in science, and by a profound
insight itito that ineffable lunar philosophy, the mere flick-
erings of which have of late years dazzled tjie feeble optics,
and addled the shallow brains of the good people of our
globe let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the
moon, by these means, had arrived at such a command of
their energies, such an enviable state of perfectibility, as to
control the elements, and navigate the boundless regions
of space. Let us suppose a roving crew of these soaring
philosophers, in the course of an aerial voyage of discovery
among the stars, should chance to alight upon this outlan-
dish planet.
And here I beg my readers will not have the unchari-
tableness to smile, as is too frequently the fault of volatile
38 HISTORY OF
readers, when perusing the grave speculations of philoso-
phers. I am far from indulging in any sportive vein at
present; nor is the supposition I have been making, so
wild as many may deem it. It has long been a very se-
rious and anxious question with me, and many a time and
oft, in the course of my overwhelming cares and contriv-
ances for the welfare and protection of this my native
planet, have I lain awake whole nights, debating in my
riiind, whether it were most probable we should first dis-
cover and civilize the moon, or the moon discover and
civilize our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sailing
in the air and cruising among the stars be a whit more as-
tonishing and incomprehensible to us, than was the Eu-
ropean mystery of navigating floating castles through the
world of waters to the simple savages. We have already
discovered the art of coasting along the aerial shores of
our planet, by means of balloons, as the savages had, of
venturing along their sea coasts in canoes ; and the dis-
parity between the former, and the aerial vehicles of the
philosophers from the moon, might not be greater than
that between the bark canoes of the savages and the
mighty ships of their discoverers. I might here pursue
an endless chain of similar speculations ; but as they would
be unimportant to my subject, I abandon them to my
reader, particularly if he be a philosopher, as matters
well worthy his attentive consideration.
To return then to my supposition let us suppose that
the aerial visitants I have mentioned, possessed of vastly
superior knowledge to ourselves ; that is to say, possessed
of superior knowledge in the art of extermination riding
on hippogriffs defended with impenetrable armour
armed with concentrated sunbeams, and provided with
vast engines to hurl enormous moonstones : in short, let
us suppose them, if our vanity will permit the supposi-
tion, as superior to us in knowledge, and consequently in
power, as the Europeans were to the Indians when they
NEW-YORK. 39
first discovered them. All this is very possible, it is only
our self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise ; and I
warrant the poor savages, before they had any knowledge
of the white men, armed in all the terrors of glittering
steel and tremendous gunpowder, were as perfectly con-
vinced that they themselves were the wisest, the most vir-
tuous, powerful and perfect of created beings, as are, at
this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of old Eng-
land, the volatile populace of France, or even the self-sa-
tisfied citizens of this most enlightened republic.
Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers,
finding this planet to be nothing but a howling wilderness,
inhabited by us poor savages and wild beasts, shall take
formal possession of it, in the name of his most gracious
and philosophic excellency, the man in the moon. Find-
ing, however, that their numbers are incompetent to hold
it in complete subjection, on account of the ferocious bar-
barity of its inhabitants ; they shall take our worthy Pre-
sident, the King of England, the Emperor of Hayti, the
mighty Bonaparte, and the great King of Bantam, and
returning to their native planet, shall carry them to court,
as were the Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the
courts of Europe.
Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the
court requires, they shall address the puissant man in the
moon, in, as near as I can conjecture, the following terms :
" Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose dominions
extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on the Great
Bear, useth the sun as a looking-glass, and maintaineth
unrivalled control over tides, madmen and see-crabs-
We, thy liege subjects, have just returned from a voy-
age of discovery, in the course of which we have landed
and taken possession of that obscure little dirty planet,
which thou beholdest rolling at a distance. The five un-
couth monsters, which we have brought into this august
presence, were once very important chiefs among their
40 HISTORY OF
fellow-savages, who are a race of beings totally destitute
of the common attributes of humanity ; and differing in
every thing from the inhabitants of the moon, inasmuch
as they carry their heads upon their shoulders, instead of
under their arms have two eyes instead of one are ut-<
terly destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly com*
plexions, particularly of a horrible whiteness, instead of
pea-green.
" We have moreover found these miserable savages
sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity,
every man shamelessly living with his own wife and rear-
ing his own children, instead of indulging in that com-
munity of wives enjoined by the law of nature, as expound^
ed by the philosophers of the moon. In a word, they
have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among them, but
are, in fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses and barbarians.
Taking compassion, therefore, on the sad condition of ,
these sublunary wretches, we have endeavoured, while
we remained on their planet, to introduce among them
the light of reason and the comforts of the moon. We
have treated them to mouthfuls of moonshine, and draughts
of nitrous oxyde, which they swallowed with incredible
voracity, particularly the females ; and we have likewise
endeavoured to instil into them the precepts of lunar phi*
losophy. We have insisted upon their renouncing the
contemptible shackles of religion and common sense, and
adoring the profound, omnipotent and all perfect energy,
and the extatic, immutable, immoveable perfection. But
such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these wretched sa-r
vages, that they persisted in cleaving to their wives and
adhering to their religion, and absolutely set at nought
the sublime doctrines of the moon nay, among other abo-?
minable heresies, they even went so far as blasphemous-?
ly to declare, that this ineffable planet was made of no-^
thing more nor less than green cheese !"
At these words, the great man in the mo&n (being a
NEW-YORK. 41
very profound philosopher) diall fall into a terrible pas-
sion, and possessing equal authority over things that do
not belong to him, as did whilome his holiness the Pope,
shall forthwith issue a formidable bull specifying, " That
whereas a certain crew or lunatics have lately discovered
and taken possession of a newly discovered planet, called
the earth; and that whereas it is inhabited by none but a
race of two-legged animals that carry their heads- on their
shoulders instead of under their arms cannot talk the lu-
natic language have two eyes instead of one. are desti-r
tute of tails, and of a horrible whiteness, instead of pea-
green ; therefore, and for a variety of other excellent rea-r
sons, they are considered incapable of possessing any pro-*
perty in the planet they infest, and the right and title to
it are confirmed to its original discoverers.- And further-
more, the colonists who are now about to depart to the
aforesaid planet, are authorized and commanded to. use
every means to convert these infidel savages from the dark-
ness of Christianity, and make them thorough and abso-
lute lunatics-/'
In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philosophic
benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They seize up-
on our fertile territories, scourge us from our rightful pos-
sessions, relieve us from our wives ; and when we are;un-?
reasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us
and say, miserable barbarians ! ungrateful wretches !
have we not come thousands of miles to improve your
worthless planet ? have we not fed you with moon shine ?
have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxyde ? does
not our moon give you light every night ? and have you
the baseness to murmur, when we claim a pitiful return
for all these benefits ? But finding that we not only per-
sist in absolute contempt of their reasoning, and disbelief
in their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to de-
fend our property, their patience shall be exhausted, and
they shall resort to their superior powers of argument
F
42 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK.
hunt us with hippogriffs, timjsfix us with concentrated sun-
beams, demolish our cities with moon-stones ; until hav-
ing by main force, converted us to the true faith, they
shall graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of
Arabia, or the frozen regions of Lapland, there to enjoy
the blessings of civilization and the charms of lunar philo-
sophy in much the same manner as the reformed and en-
lightened savages of this country, are kindly suffered to
inhabit the inhospitable forests of the north, or the impe-
netrable wildernesses of South America.
Thus, I hope I have clearly proved, and strikingly il-
lustrated, the right of the early colonists to the possession
of this country; and thus is this gigantic question com-
pletely vanquished : so having manfully surmounted all
obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remains but
that I should forthwith conduct my readers into the city
which we have been so long in a manner besieging ? But
hold before I proceed another step, I must pause to take
breath and recover from the excessive fatigue I have un-
dergone, in preparing to begin this most accurate of his-
tories. And in this I do but imitate the example of a re-
nowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who took a start of
three miles for the purpose of jumping over a hill; but
having run himself out of breath by the time he reached
the foot, sat himself quietly down for a few moments to
blow, and then walked over it at his leisure.
END OF BOOK FIRST.
TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE
OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS.
CHAPTER L
In which are contained divers reasons why a man should not
write in a hurry. Also of Master Hendrick Hudson, his
discovery of a strange country and how he was magnificently
rewarded by the munificence of their High Mightinesses.
J\XY great grandfather, by the mother's side, Hermanns
Van Clattercop, when employed to build the large stone
church at Rotterdam, which stands about three hundred
yards to your left, after you turn off from the Boomkeys ;
and which is so conveniently constructed, that all the
zealous Christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a
sermon there, to any other church in the city. My great
grandfather, I say, when employed to build that famous
church, did in the first place send to Delft for a box of
long pipes; then having purchased a new spitting-box and
a hundred-weight of the best Virginia, he sat himself down
and did nothing for the space of three months, but smoke
most laboriously. Then did he spend full three months
more on trudging on foot, and voyaging in the trekschuit,
from Rotterdam to Amsterdam to Delft to Haerlem
to Leyden to the Hague, knocking his head and break-
ing his pipe against every church in his road. Then did
he advance gradually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam,
until he came in full sight of the identical spot, whereon
44 HISTORY OF
the church was to be built. Then did he spend three
months longer in walking round it and round it ; contem-
plating it, first from one point of view, and then from a-
nother : now would he be paddled by it on the canal
iiow would he peep at it through a telescope, from the
other side of the Meuse; and now would he take a bird's
eye glance at it, from the top of one of those gigantic-
windmills, which protect the gates of the city. The
good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of expectation
and impatience notwithstanding all the turmoil of my
great grandfather, not a symptom of the church was yet to
be seen; they even began to fear it would never be brought
into the world, but that its great projector would lie down
and die in labour of the mighty plan he had conceived.
At length, having occupied twelve good months in puf-
fing and paddling, and talking and walking having tra-
velled over all Holland, and even taken a peep into France
and Germany having smoked five hundred and ninety-
nine pipes, and three hundred-weight of the best Virgi-
nia tobacco my great grandfather gathered together all
that knowing and industrious class of citizens, who prefer
attending to any body's business sooner than their own,
and having pulled off his coat and five pair of breeches,
he advanced sturdily up, and laid the corner-stone of the
church, in the presence of the whole multitude -just at
the commencement of the thirteenth month.
In a similar manner, and with the example of my wor-
thy ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in
writing this most authentic history. The honest Rotter-
dammers no doubt thought my great grandfather was do-
ing nothing at all to the purpose, while he was making
such a world of prefatory bustle, about the building of
his church ; and many of the ingenious inhabitants of this
fair city, will unquestionably suppose that all the preli-
minary chapters, with the discovery, population, and fi-
nal settlement of America, were totally irrelevant and su-
NEW- YORK. 45
perfluous; and that the main business, the history of
New- York, is not a jot more advanced than if I had never
taken up my pen. Never were wise people more mistak-
en in their conjectures. In consequence of going to work
slowly and deliberately, the church came out of my grand-
father's hands, one of the most sumptuous, goodly, and
glorious edifices in the known world excepting that,
like our magnificent capitol at Washington, it was begun
on so grand a scale, that the good folks could not afford
to finish more than the wing of it. So likewise, I trust,
if ever I am enabled to finish this work on the plan I have
commenced, (of which, in simple truth, I sometimes have
my doubts,) it will be found, that I have pursued the lat-
est rules of my art, as exemplified in the writings of all
the great American Historians, and wrought a very large
liistory out of a small subject which, now-a-days, is con-
sidered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. To
proceed then with the thread of my story.
In the ever memorable year of our Lord, 1 609, on a
Saturday morning, the five and twentieth day of March,
old style, did that " worthy and irrecoverable discoverer,
(as he has justly been called,) Master Henry Hudson,"
set sail from Holland in a stout vessel called the Half
Moon, being employed by the Dutch East India Compa-
ny, to seek a North-west passage to China.
Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hendrick)
Hudson, was a seafaring man of renown, who had learned
to smoke tobacco under Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said
to have been the first to introduce it into Holland, which
gained him much popularity in that country, and caused
him to find great favour in the eyes of their High Mighti-
nesses, the lords states-general, and also of the honoura-
ble West India Company. He was a short, square, braw-
ny old gentleman, with a double chin, a mastiff mouth,
and a broad copper nose, which was supposed in those
4,6 HISTORY OF
days, to have acquired its fiery hue from the constant
neighbourhood of his tobacco pipe.
He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a leathern
belt, and a commodore's cocked hat one side of his head,
He was remarkable for always jerking up his breeches
when he gave out his orders, and his voice sounded not
unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet, owing to the number
of hard north-westers which he had swallowed in the course
of his sea-faring.
Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard
so much, and know so little ; and I have been thus parti-
cular in his description, for the benefit of modern painters
and statuaries, that they may represent him as he was ;
and not, according to their common custom, with modern
heroes, make him look like Caesar, or Marcus Aurelius,
or the Apollo of Belvidere.
As chief mate and favourite companion, the commodore
chose Master Robert Juet, of Limehouse, in England.
By some his name has been spelled Chewit, and ascribed
to the circumstance of his having been the first man that
ever chewed tobacco ; but this I believe to be a mere flip-
pancy ; more especially as certain of his progeny are living
at this day, who write their names Juet. He was an old
comrade and early school-mate of the great Hudson, with
whom he had often played truant and sailed chip boats in
a neighbouring pond, when they were little boys from
whence it is said the commodore first derived his bias to-
wards a sea-faring life. Certain it is, that the old people
about Limehouse declared Robert Juet to be an unlucky
urchin, prone to mischief, that would one day or other
come to the gallows.
He grew up as boys of that kind often grow up, a ram-
bling, heedless varlet, tossed about in all quarters of the
world meeting with more perils and wonders than did
Sindbad the sailor, without growing a whit more wise, pru-
NEW-YORK. 47
dent or ill-natured. Under every misfortune, he comfort-
ed himself with a quid of tobacco, and the truly philoso-
phic maxim, that " it will be all the same thing a hundred
years hence." He was skilled in the art of carving anchors
and true lovers' knots on the bulk-heads and quarter-rail-
ings, and was considered a great wit on board ship, in con-
sequence of his playing pranks on every body around, and
now and then even making a wry face at old Hendrick,
when his back was turned.
To this universal genius are we indebted for many par-
ticulars concerning this voyage, of which he wrote a his-
tory, at the request of the commodore, who had an un-
conquerable aversion to writing himself, from having re-
ceived so many floggings about it when at school. To
supply the deficiences of Master Juet's journal, which is
written with true log-book brevity, I have availed myself
of divers family traditions, handed down from my great
great grandfather, who accompanied the expedition in
the capacity of cabin boy.
From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of re-
mark happened in the voyage; and it mortifies me exceed-
ingly, that I have to admit so noted an expedition into my
work, without making any more of it Oh ! that I had
the advantages of that most authentic writer of yore, Apol-
lonius Rhodius, who, in his account of the famous Argo-
nautic expedition, has the whole mythology at his dispo-
sal, and elevates Jason and his compeers into heroes and
demigods; although all the world knows them to have
been a mere gang of sheep-stealers, on a marauding expe-
dition ; or that I had the privileges of Dan Homer and
Dan Virgil, to enliven my narration with giants and Ly-
strigonians ; to entertain our honest mariners with an oc-
casional concert of syrens and mermaids, and now and
then with the raree-show of honest old Neptune and his
fleet of frolicksome cruisers. But, alas ! the good old
times have long gone by, when your waggish deities would
48 HISTORY OF
descend upon this terraqueous globe, in their own proper
persons, and play their pranks upon its wondering inhabi-
tants.
Suffice it then to say, the voyage was prosperous and
tranquil the crew being a patient people, much given to
slumber and vacuity, and but little troubled with the dis-
ease of thinking a malady of the mind, which is the
sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had laid in abun-
dance of gin and sour crout, and every man was allowed
to sleep quietly at his post unless the wind blew. True
it is, some slight dissatisfaction was shown on two or three
occasions, at certain unreasonable conduct of Commodore
Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forbore to shorten sail
when the wind was light, and the weather serene, which
was considered among the most experienced Dutch sea-
men, as certain weather-breeders, or prognostics, that the
weather would change for the worse. He acted more-
over, in direct contradiction to that ancient and sage rule
of the Dutch navigators, who always took in sail at night;
put the helm a-port, and turned in ; by which precaution
they had a good night's rest, were sure of knowing where
they were the next morning, and stood but little chance
of running down a continent in the dark. He likewise
prohibited the seamen from wearing more than five jackets,
and six pair of breeches, under pretence of rendering them
more alert ; and no man was permitted to go aloft, and
hand in sails, with a pipe in his mouth, as is the invaria-
ble Dutch custom at the present day. All these griev-
ances, though they might ruffle for a moment the consti-
tutional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, made but
transient impression; they eat hugely, drank profusely,
and slept immeasurably; and being under the especial
guidance of providence, the ship was safely conducted to
the coast of America ; where, after sundry unimportant
touchings and standings off and on, she at length, on the
fourth day of September, entered that majestic bay, which
NEW-YORK. 49
at this day expands its ample bosom before the city of
New- York, and which had never before been visited by
any European. *
It has been traditionary in our family, that when the
great navigator was first blessed with a view of this en-
chanting island, he was observed for the first and only
time in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms of astonish-
ment and admiration. He is said to have turned to Mas-
ter Juet, and uttered these remarkable words, while he
pointed towards this paradise of the new world See !
there !" and thereupon, as was always his way when he
was uncommonly pleased, he did puff out such clouds of
* True it is and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a certain a-
pocryphal book of voyages, compiled by one Hacluy t, is to be found
a letter written to Francis the First, by one Giovanne, or John Ve-
razzani, on which some writers are inclined to found a belief, that this
delightful bay had been visited nearly a century previous to the voy-
age of the enterprising Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met with the
countenance of certain very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter
disbelief, and that for various good and substantial reasons First, Be-
cause on strict examination it will be found, that the description giv-
en by this Verazzani, applies about as well to the bay of New -York,
as it does to my night- cap Secondly, Because that this John Veraz-
zani, for whom I already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a na-
tive of Florence; and every body knows the crafty wile of these losel
Florentines, by which they filched away the laurels from the brows of
the immortal Colon (vulgarly called Columbus), and bestowed them
on their officious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci and I make no doubt
they are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson of the credit of
discovering this beauteous Isknd, adorned by the city of New- York,
and placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America. And
thirdly, I award my decision in favour of the pretensions of Hendrick
Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, being truly
and absolutely a Dutch enterprise ; and though all the proofs in the
world were introduced on the other side, I would set them at nought,
as undeserving my attention. If these three reasons be not sufficient
to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city, all I can say is, they are
degenerate descendants from their venerable Dutch ancestors, and to-
tally unworthy the trouble of convincing. Thus, therefore, the title
of Hendrick Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated.
G
50 HISTORY OF
dense tobacco smoke, that in one minute the vessel was
out of sight of land, and Master Juet was fain to wait un-
til the winds dispersed this impenetrable fog.
It was indeed as my great great grandfather used to
say though in truth I never heard him, for he died, as
might be expected, before I was born " It was indeed
a spot on which the eye might have revelled for ever, in
ever new and never ending beauties." The island of
Manna-hata spread wide before them, like some sweet
vision of fancy, or some fair creation of industrious magic.
Its hills of smiling green swelled gently one above another,
crowned with lofty trees of luxuriant growth; some point-
ing their tapering foliage towards the clouds, which were
gloriously transparent; and others loaded with a verdant
burthen of clambering vines, bowing their branches to the
earth, that was covered with flowers. On the gentle de-
clivities of the hills were scattered in gay profusion, the
dog-wood, the sumach and the wild brier, whose scarlet
berries and white blossoms glowed brightly among the
deep green of the surrounding foliage; and here and there
a curling column of smoke rising from the little glens that
opened along the shore, seemed to promise the weary voy-
agers a welcome at the hands of their fellow-creatures.
As they stood gazing with entranced attention on the scene
before them, a red man crowned with feathers, issued from
one of these glens, and after contemplating in silent won-
der the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately swan swim-
ming on a silver lake, sounded the war-whoop, and bound-
ed into the woods like a wild deer, to the utter astonish-
ment of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard
such a noise, or witnessed such a caper in their whole lives.
Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages,
and how the latter smoked copper pipes and ate dried cur-
rants ; how they brought great store of tobacco and oys-
ters ; how they shot one of the ship's crew, and how he
was buried, I shall say nothing; being that I consider
NEW. YORK. 51
them unimportant to my history. After tarrying a few
days in -the bay, in order to refresh themselves after their
sea-faring, our voyagers weighed anchor, to explore a
mighty river which emptied into the bay. This river, it
is said, was known among the savages by the name of the
Shatemuck; though we are assured in an excellent little
history published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent., that
it was called the Mohegan, * and Master Richard Bloome,
who wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same so that
I very much incline in favour of the opinion of these two
honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, up this river did the
adventurous Herxdrick proceed, little doubting but it would
turn out to be the much looked-for passage to China !
The journal goes on to make mention of divers inter-
views between the crew and the natives in the voyage up
the river ; but as they would be impertinent to my history,
I shall pass over them in silence, except the following dry
joke, played off' by the old commodore and his school-fel-
low Robert Juet ; which does such vast credit to their ex-
perimental philosophy, that I cannot refrain from insert-
ing it. " Our master and his mate determined to try some
of the chiefe men of the countrey, whether they had any
treacherie in them. So they tooke them downe into the
cabin, and gave them so much wine and acqua vitae, that
they were all merrie ; and one of them had his wife with
him, which sate so modestly, as any of our countrey-wo-
men would do in a strange place. In the end, one of
them was drunke, which had been aboarde of our ship all
the time we had beene there, and that was strange to them,
for they could not tell how to take it." -f-
Having satisfied himself by this ingenious experiment,
* This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map, as Manhattan,
Noordt, Montaigne, and Mauritius river.
-f Juet's Journ. Furch. Fil.
52 HISTORY OF
that the natives wfere an honest, social race of jolly roys*
ters, who had no objection to a drinking bout, and were
very merry in their cups, the old commodore chuckled
hugely to himself, and thrusting a double quid of tobacco
in his cheek, directed Master Juet to have it carefully re-
corded, for the satisfaction of all the natural philosophers
of the university of Leyden which done, he proceeded
on his voyage, with great self-complacency. After sail-
ing, however, above an hundred miles up the river, he
found the watery world around him began to grow more
shallow and confined, the current more rapid, and perfect-
ly fresh phenomena not uncommon in the ascent of ri-
vers, but which puzzled the honest Dutchmen prodigious-
ly. A consultation was therefore called, and having de-
liberated full six hours, they were brought to a determina-
tion, by the ship's running aground ; whereupon they
unanimously concluded, that there was but little chance of
getting to China in that direction. A boat, however, was
despatched to explore higher up the river, which oft its re-
turn, confirmed the opinion: upon this the ship was warp-
ed off and put about with great difficulty, being like most of
her sex, exceeding hard to govern ; and the adventurous
Hudson, according to the account of my great great
grandfather, returned down the river with a prodigious
flea in his ear !
Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of getting
to China, unless like the blind man, he returned from
whence he sat out, and took a fresh start, he forthwith re-
crossed the sea to Holland, where he was received with
great welcome by the honourable East-India Company,
who were very much rejoiced to see him come back safe
with their ship ; and at a large and respectable meeting
of the first merchants and burgomasters of Amsterdam,
it was unanimously determined, that as a munificent re-
ward for the eminent services he had performed, and the
important discovery he had made, the great river Mohe-
NEW-YORK. 53
gan should be called after his name ! and it continues to
be called Hudson river unto this very day.
CHAPTER II.
Containing an account of a mighty Ark rvhich floated under the
protection of St. Nicholas, from Holland to Gibbet Island-*
the descent of the strange Animals therefrom a great victory,
and a description of the ancient village of Communipaw.
THE delectable accounts given by the great Hudson
and Master Juet, of the country they had discovered, ex-
cited not a little talk and speculation among the good peo-
ple of Holland. Letters patent were granted by govern-
ment to an association of merchants, called the West-In-
dia Company, for the exclusive trade on Hudson river,
on which they erected a trading house called Fort Aura-
nia, or Orange, from whence did spring the great city of
Albany. But I forbear to dwell on the various commer-
cial and colonizing enterprizes which took place ; among
which was that of Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered
and gave a name to Block Island, since famous for its
cheese and shall barely confine myself to that, which
gave birth to this renowned city.
It was some three or four years after the return of the
immortal Hendrick, that a crew of honest, low Dutch co-
lonists set sail from the city of Amsterdam, for the shores
of America. It is an irreparable loss to history, and a
great proof of the darkness of the age, and the lamenta-
ble neglect of the noble art of book-making, since so in-
dustriously cultivated by knowing sea-captains, and learned
supercargoes, that an expedition so interesting and im-
portant in its results, should be passed over in utter si-
lence. To my great great grandfather am I again indebt-
54 HISTORY OF
ed for the few facts, I am enabled to give concerning it ;
he having once more embarked for this country, with a
full determination, as he said, of ending his days here ;
and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers, that should
rise to be great men in the land.
The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail
was called the Goede Vrouw, or Good Woman, in compli-
ment to the wife of the president of the West-India Com-
pany, who was allowed by every body (except her hus-
band) to be a sweet tempered lady, when not in liquor.
It was in truth a most gallant vessel, of the most approved
Dutch construction, and made by the ablest ship-carpen-
ters of Amsterdam, who, it is well known, always model
their ships after the fair forms of their country-women.
Accordingly it had one hundred feet in the beam, one
hundred feet in the keel, and one hundred feet from the
bottom of the stern post to the tafferel. Like the beau-
teous model, who was declared to be the greatest belle in
Amsterdam, it was full in the bows, with a pair of enor-
mous cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal, a most pro-
digious poop !
The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man,
far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such as Ju-
piter, Neptune or Hercules, (which heathenish abomina-
tions, I have no doubt, occasion the misfortunes and ship-
wreck of many a noble vessel,) he, I say, on the contrary,
did laudably erect for a head, a goodly image of St. Ni-
cholas, equipped with a low broad brimmed hat, a huge
pair of Flemish trunk hose, and a pipe that reached to th
end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly furnished, the staunch
ship floated sideways, like a majestic goose, but of the har-
bour of the great city of Amsterdam, and all the bells,
that were not otherwise engaged, rung a triple bob-major
on the joyful occcasion.
My great great grandfather remarks, that the voyage
was uncommonly prosperous, for, being under the espe-
NEW-YORK. 55 -
cial care of the ever-revered St. Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw
seemed to be endowed with qualities unknown to com-
mon vessels.v Thus she made as much lee-way as head-
way, could get along very nearly as fast with the wind a-
head, as when it was a-poop and was particularly great
in a calm ; in consequence of which singular advantages,
she made out to accomplish her voyage in a very few
months, and came to anchor at the mouth of the Hudson,
a little to the east of Gibbet island. *
Here lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what is at
present called the Jersey shore, a small Indian village,
pleasantly embowered in a grove of spreading elms, and
the natives all collected on the beach, gazing in stupid ad-
miration at the Goede Vrouw. A boat was immediately
despatched to enter into a treaty with them, and approach-
ing the shore, hailed them through a trumpet in the most
friendly terms ; but so horribly confounded were these
poor savages at the tremendous and uncouth sound of the
low Dutch language, that they one and all took to their
heels, scampered over the Bergen hills, nor did they stop,
until they had buried themselves, head and ears, in the
marshes on the other side, where they all miserably pe-
rished to a man, and their bones being collected, and
decently covered by the Tammany Society of that day,
formed that singular mound called Rattle-snake-hill, which
rises out of the centre of the salt marshes, a little to the
east of the Newark Causeway.
Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our valiant he-
roes sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of the soil
as conquerors, in the name of their High Mightinesses the
lords states-general, and marching fearlessly forward, car-
ried the village of Communipaw by storm, notwithstand-
ing that it was vigorously defended by some half a score
* So called, because one Joseph Andrews, a pirate and murderer, was
hanged in chains on that island, the 23d May, 1769.
56 HISTORY OF
of old squaws and poppooses. On looking about them
they were so transported with the excellencies of the place,
that they had very little doubt the blessed St. Nicholas
had guided them thither, as the very spot whereon to set-
tle their colony. The softness of the soil was wonderful-
ly adapted to the driving of piles; the swamps and marshes
around them afforded ample opportunities for the con-
structing of dykes and dams; the shallowness of the shore
was peculiarly favourable to the building of docks in a
word, this spot abounded with all the requisites for the
foundation of a great Dutch city. On making a faithful
report therefore, to the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they
one and all determined that this was the destined end of
their voyage. Accordingly they descended from the
Goede Vrouw, men, women, and children, in goodly
groups, as did the animals of yore from the ark, and
formed themselves into a thriving settlement, which they
called by the Indian name Communipaw.
As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquainted with
Communipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat
of it in the present work ; but my readers will please to
recollect, that notwithstanding it is my chief desire to sa-
tisfy the present age, yet I write likewise for posterity,
and have to consult the understanding and curiosity of
some half a score of centuries yet to come; by which time
perhaps, were it not for this invaluable history, the great
Communipaw, like Babylon, Carthage, Nineveh, and
other great cities, might be perfectly extinct sunk and
forgotten in its own mud its inhabitants turned into oys-
ters, * and even its situation, a fertile subject of learned
controversy and hardheaded investigation among indefa-
tigable historians. Let me then piously rescue from ob-
livion, the humble reliques of a place, which was the egg
from whence was hatched the mighty city of New- York !
* * s Men by inaction degenerate into oysters." Kaimes.
NEW-YORK. 57
Communipaw is at present but a small village, pleasant-
ly situated among rural scenery, on that beauteous part
of the Jersey shore which was known in ancient legends
by the name of Pavonia, -f- and commands a grand pros-
pect of the superb bay of New- York. It is within but
half an hour's sail of the latter place provided you have a
fair wind, and may be distinctly seen from the city. Nay,
it is a well known fact, which I can testify from my own
experience, that on a clear, still summer evening, you
may hear from the battery of New- York, the opstreperous
peals of the broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes
at Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are famous
for their risible powers. This is peculiarly the case on
Sunday evenings ; when, it is remarked by an ingenious
and observant philosopher, who has made great discover-
ies in the neighbourhood of this city, that they always
laugh loudest; which he attributes to the circumstance
of their having their holy day clothes on.
These negroes in fact, like the monks in the dark ages,
engross all the knowledge of the place, and being infinite-
ly more adventurous and more knowing than their mas-
ters, carry on all the foreign trade, making frequent voy-
ages to town in canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk,
and cabbages. They are great astrologers, predicting the
different changes of weather almost as accurately as an al-
manac ; they are moreover exquisite performers on three
stringed fiddles : in whistling, they almost boast the far-
famed powers of Orpheus his lyre, for not a horse or an
ox in the place, when at the plough or before the wag-
gon, will budge a foot until he hears the well known whis-
tle of his black driver and companion : and from their
amazing skill at casting up accounts upon their fingers,
they are regarded with as much veneration as were the
-I* Payoni, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of country extend-
ing from about Hoboken to Amboy.
H
58 HISTORY OF
disciples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the sa-
cred quaternary of numbers.
As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like wise
men and sound philosophers, they never look beyond their
pipes, nor trouble their heads about any affairs out of their
immediate neighbourhood; so that they live in profound
and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anxieties and
revolutions of this distracted planet. I am even told that
many among them do verily believe that Holland, of which
they have heard so much from tradition, is situated some-
where on Long-Island that Spiking-devil and the Nar-
rows, are the two ends of the world that the country is
still under the dominion of their High Mightinesses; and
that the city of New- York still goes by the name of Nieuw
Amsterdam. They meet every Saturday afternoon, at
the only tavern in the place, which bears as a sign, a
square headed likeness of the prince of Orange ; where
they smoke a silent pipe by way of promoting social con-
viviality, and invariably drink a mug of cider to the suc-
cess of Admiral Von Tromp, who they imagine is still
sweeping the British channel, with a broom at his mast
head.
Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little
villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, which
are so many strong holds and fastnesses, whither the pri-
mitive manners of our Dutch forefathers have retreated,
and where they are cherished with devout and scrupulous
strictness. The dress of the original settlers is handed
down inviolate, from father to son the identical broad
brimmed hat, broad skirted coat, and broad bottomed
breeches, continue from generation to generation; and
several gigantic knee-buckles of massy silver, are still in
wear, that made such gallant display in the days of the
patriarchs of Communipaw. The language likewise con-
tinues unadulterated by barbarous innovations ; and so
critically correct is the village schoolmaster in his dialect,
NEW-YORK. 59
that his reading of a law Dutch psalm has much the same
effect on the serves as the filing of a hand-saw.
CHAPTER III.
In which is set forth the true art of making a bargain toge-
ther with the miraculous Escape of a great Metropolis in a Fog
and the Biography of certain Heroes of Communipaw.
HAVING, in the trifling digression which concluded the
last chapter discharged the filial duty which the city of
New- York owed to Communipaw as being the mother
settlement; and having given a faithful picture of it as it
stands at present, I return with a soothing sentiment of
self-approbation, to dwell upon its early history. The
crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh
importations from Holland, the settlement went jollily on
increasing in magnitude and prosperity. The neighbour-
ing Indians in a short time became accustomed to the un-
couth sound of the Dutch language, and an intercourse
gradually took place between them and the new comers.
The Indians were much given to long talks, and the
Dutch to long silence in this particular, therefore, they
accommodated each other completely. The chiefs would
make long speeches about the big bull, the wabash, and
the great spirit, to which the others would listen very at-
tentively, smoke their pipes, and grunt yah myn-her
whereat the poor savages were wondrously delighted.
They instructed the new settlers in the best art of curing
and smoking tobacco, while the latter in return, made
them drunk with true Hollands and then learned them
the art of making bargains.
A brisk trade for furs was soon opened; the Dutch
traders were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and
HISTORY Of
purchased by weight, establishing it as an invariable ta-
ble of avoirdupoise, that the hand of a Dutchman weighed
one pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true, the sim-
ple Indians were often puzzled by the great dispropor-
tion between bulk and weight, for let them place a bun-
dle of furs never so large, in one scale, and a Dutchman
put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle was sure to
kick the beam never was a package of furs known to
weigh more than two pounds, in the market of Communi-*
paw !
This is a singular fact but I have it direct from my
great great grandfather, who had risen to considerable
importance in the colony, being promoted to the office
A of weigh-master, on account of the uncommon heaviness
of his foot.
The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began
now to assume a very thriving appearance, and were com-
prehended under the general title of Nieuw Nederlandts;
on account, as the sage Vander Donck observes, of their
great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands which in-
deed was truly remarkable, excepting that the former
were rugged and mountainous, and the latter level and
marshy. About this time the tranquillity of the Dutch
colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary interruption.
In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under a com-
mission from Dale, governor of Virginia, visited the Dutch
settlements on Hudson river, and demanded their sub-
mission to the English crown and Virginian dominion.
To this arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to
resist it, they submitted for the time^ like discreet and
reasonable men*
It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested the
settlement of Communipaw ; on the contrary, I am told
that when his vessel first hove in sight, the worthy
burghers were seized with such a panic, that they fell to
smoking their pipes with astonishing vehemence, inso-
NEW-YORK. 61
much that they quickly raised a cloud, which, combining
with the surrounding woods and marshes, completely en-
veloped and concealed their beloved village; and over-
hung the fair regions of Pavonia : so that the terrible
Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspicious that a stur-
dy little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the mud, .
under cover of all this pestilent vapour. In commemo-
ration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants
have continued to smoke almost without intermission un-
to this very day ; which is said to be the cause of the re-
markable fog that often hangs over Communipaw of a
clear afternoon.
Upon the departure of the enemy, our magnanimous
ancestors took full six months to recover their wind, hav-
ing been exceedingly discomposed by the consternation
and hurry of affairs. They then called a council of safe-
ty to smoke over the state of the province. After six
months more of mature deliberation, during which nearly
five hundred words were spoken, and almost as much to-
bacco was smoked as would have served a certain modern
general through a whole winter's campaign of hard drink-
ing, it was determined to fit out an armament of canoes,
and dispatch them on a voyage of discovery, to search if
peradventure some more sure and formidable position
might not be found, where the colony would be less sub-
ject to vexatious visitations.
This perilous enterprize was entrusted to the superin-
tendence of Mynheers Oloffe Van Kortlandt, Abraham
Hardenbroeck, Jacobus Van Zandt, and Winant Ten
Broeck four indubitably great men; but of whose his-
tory, although I have made diligent inquiry, I can learn
but little previous to their leaving Holland. Nor need
this occasion much surprise, for adventurers, like pro-
phets, though they make great noise abroad, have seldom
much celebrity in their own countries; but this much is
certain, that the overflowings and offscourings of a coun-
62 HISTORY OF
try are invariably composed of the richest parts of the
soil. And here I cannot help remarking how convenient
it would be to many of our great men and great families
of doubtful origin, could they have the privilege of the
heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was involved
in obscurity, modestly announced themselves descended
from a god ; and who never visited a foreign country, but
what they told some cock and bull stories about their be-
ing kings and princes at home; This venial trespass on
the truth, though it has occasionally been played off by
some pseudp marquis, .baronet,- and other illustrious fo-
reigner, in our land of goodnatured credulity, has been
completely discountenanced in this sceptical, matter-of-
fact age. And I even question whether any tender vir-
gin, who was accidentally and unaccountably enriched
with a bantling, would save her character at parlour fire-
sides and evening tea-parties, by ascribing the phenome-
non to a swan, a shower of gold, or a river god.
Thus being denied the benefit of mythology and classic
fable, I should have been completely at a loss as to the
early biography of my heroes, had not a gleam of light
been thrown upon their origin from their names.
By this simple means have I been enabled to gather
some particulars concerning the adventurers in question.
Van Kortlandt for instance, was one of those peripatetic
philosophers, who tax providence for a livelihood, and
like Diogenes enjoy a free and unincumbered estate in
sunshine. He was usually arrayed in garments suitable
to his fortune, being curiously fringed and fangled by the
hand of time; and was helmeted with an old fragment of
a hat which had acquired the shape of a sugar loaf; and
so far did he carry his contempt for the adventitious dis-
tinction of dress, that it is said, the remnant of a shirt,
which covered his back, and dangled like a pocket hand-
kerchief out of a hole in his breeches, was never washed,
except by the bountiful showers of heaven. In this garb
NEW-YORK. 63
was he usually to be seen, sunning himself at noon-day,
with a herd of philosophers of the same sect, on the side
of the great canal of Amsterdam. Like your nobility of
Europe, he took his name of Kortlandt (or Lack-land ) from
his landed estate, which lay somewhere in Terra incognita.
Of the next of our worthies, might I have had the be-
nefit of mythological assistance, the want of which I have
just lamented, I should have made honourable mention,
as boasting equally illustrious pedigree with the proudest
hero of antiquity. His name was Van Zandt, which be-
ing freely translated, signifies from the dirt, meaning, be-
yond a doubt, that like Triptolemus, Themis the Cy-
clops and the Titans, he sprung from dame Terra, or the
earth ! This supposition is strongly corroborated by his
size, for it is well known that all the progeny of mother
earth were of a gigantic stature ; and Van Zandt, we are
told, was a tall raw-boned man, above six feet high with
an astonishingly hard head. Nor is this origin of the illus-
trious Van Zandt a whit more improbable or repugnant
to belief, than what is. related and universally admitted of
certain of our greatest, or rather richest men; who, we
are told with the utmost gravity, did originally spring
from a dunghill !
Of the third hero, but a faint description has reached
to this time, which mentions, that he was a sturdy, obsti-
nate, burly, bustling little man ; and from being usually
equipped with an old pair of buckskins, was familiarly
dubbed Harden Broeck, or Tough Breeches.
Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is
a singular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not scrupu-
lous in recording the whole truth, I should almost be
tempted to pass over in silence, as incompatible with the
gravity and dignity of history, that this worthy gentleman
should likewise have been nicknamed from the most whim-
sical part of his dress. In fact the small clothes seems
to have been a very important garment in the eyes of our
64 HISTORY OF
venerated ancestors, owing in all probability to its really
being the largest article of raiment among them. The
name of Ten Broeck or Tin Broeck is indifferently trans-
lated into Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches the high
Dutch commentators incline to the former opinion ; and
ascribe it to his being the first who introduced into the
settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of wearing ten pair
of breeches. But the most elegant and ingenious writers
on the subject declare in favour of Tin, or rather Thin
Breeches ; from whence they infer, that he he was a poor
but merry rogue, whose galligaskins were none of the
soundest, and who was the identical author of that truly
philosophical stanza :
" Then why should we quarrel for riches,
Or any such glittering toys ;
A light heart and thin pair of breeches,
Will go through the world, my brave boys !"
Such was the gallant junto chosen to conduct this voy-
age into unknown realms, and the whole was put under
the superintending care and direction of Oloffe Van Kort-
landt; who was held in great reverence among the sages
of Communipaw, for the variety and darkness of his
knowledge. Having, as I before observed, passed a great
part of his life in the open air, among the peripatetic phi-
losophers of Amsterdam, he had become amazingly well
acquainted with the aspect of the heavens, and could as
accurately determine when a storm was brewing or a
squall rising, as a dutiful husband can foresee, from the
brow of his spouse, when a tempest is gathering about his
ears. He was moreover a great seer of ghosts and gob-
lins, and a firm believer in omens; but what especially
recommended him to public confidence, was his marvel-
lous talent at dreaming, for there never was any thing of
consequence happened at Communipaw, but what he de-
clared he had previously dreamt it ; being one of those
NEW-YORK. 65
infallible prophets, that always predict a thing, after it
has come to pass.
This supernatural gift was as highly valued among the
burghers of Pavonia, as it was among the enlightened na^
tions of antiquity. The wise Ulysses was more indebted
to his sleeping than his waking moments, for all his sub-*
tie achievements, and seldom undertook any great exploit,
without first soundly sleeping upon it ; and the same may
truly be said of the good Van Kortlandt, who was thence
aptly denominated, Oloffe the Dreamer.
This cautious commander having chosen the crews that
should accompany him in the proposed expedition, ex*
horted them to repair to their homes, take a good night's
rest, settle all family affairs, and make their wills, before
departing on this voyage into unknown realms. And in-
deed this last was a precaution always taken by our fore-
fathers, even in after times, when they became more ad-
venturous, and voyaged to Haverstraw or Kaatskill, or
Groodt Esopus, or any other far country that lay beyond
the great waters of the Tappaan Zee.
CHAPTER IV.
How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell-Gate, and
how they were received there.
AND now the rosy blush of morn began to mantle in
the east, and soon the rising sun, emerging from amidst
golden and purple clouds, shed his blithsome rays on the
tin weathercocks of Communipaw. It was that delicious
season of the year, when nature, breaking from the chil-
ling thraldom of old winter, like a blooming damsel from
the tyranny of a sordid old father, threw herself, blushing
with ten thousand charms, into the arms of youthful spring.
I
66 HISTORY OF
Every tufted copse and blooming grove, resounded with
the notes of hymeneal love. The very insects, as they
sipped the dew that gemmed the tender grass of the mea-
dows, joined in the joyous epithalamium the virgin bud
timidly put forth its blushes, " the voice of the turtle was
heard in the land," and the heart of man dissolved away
in tenderness. Oh ! sweet Theocritus ! had I thine oat-
en reed, wherewith thou erst did charm the gay Sicilian
plains Or Oh ! gentle Bion ! thy pastoral pipe, wherein
the happy swains of the Lesbian isle so much delighted;
then might I attempt to sing in soft Bucolic or negli-
gent Idyllium, the rural beauties of the scene- but hav-
ing nothing, save this jaded goose quill, wherewith to wing
my flight, I must fain resign all poetic disportings of the
fancy, and pursue my narrative in humble prose ; com-
forting myself with the hope, that though it may not steal
so sweetly upon the imagination of my reader, yet may it
commend itself, with virgin modesty, to his better judg-
ment, clothed in the chaste and simple garb of truth.
No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phcebus dart
into the windows of Communipaw, than the little settle-
ment was all in motion. Forth issued from his castle the
sage Van Kortlandt, and seizing a conch-shell, blew a far
resounding blast, that soon summoned all his lusty follow-
ers. Then did they trudge resolutely down to the water
side, escorted by a multitude of relatives and friends, who
all went down, as the common phrase expresses it, " to
see them off." And this shows the antiquity of those long
family processions, often seen in our city ; composed of all
ages, sizes and sexes, laden with bundles and bandboxes,
escorting some bevy of country cousins, about to depart
for home in a market boat.
The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squadron of
three canoes, and hoisted his flag on board a little round
Dutch boat, shaped not unlike a tub, which had formerly
been the jolly-boat of the Goede Vrouw. And now, all
NEW-YORK. 07
being embarked, they bid farewell to the gazing throng
upon the beach, who continued shouting after them, even
when out of hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, advis-
ing them to take good care of themselves, not to get
drowned with an abundance other of those sage and in-
valuable cautions, generally given by landsmen to such as
go down to the sea in ships, and adventure upon the deep
waters. In the mean while the voyagers cheerily urged
their course across the crystal bosom of the bay, and soon
left behind them the green shores of ancient Pavonia.
And first they touched at two small islands which lie
nearly opposite Communipaw, and which are said to have
been brought into existence about the time of the great ir-
ruption of the Hudson, when it broke through the High-
lands and made its way to the ocean. * For in this tre-
mendous uproar of the waters, we are told that many huge
fragments of rock and land were rent from the mountains
and swept down by this runaway river for sixty or seven-
ty miles ; where some of them ran aground on the shoals
just opposite Communipaw, and formed the identical isl-
ands in question, while others drifted out to sea, and were
never heard of more ! A sufficient proof of the fact is,
that the rock which forms the basis of these islands, is ex-
actly similar to that of the Highlands, and moreover one
of our philosophers, who has diligently compared the a-
* It is a matter long since established by certain of our philosophers,
that is to say, having been often advanced, and never contradicted, it
has grown to be pretty nigh equal to a settled fact, that the Hudson
was originally a lake, dammed up by the mountains of the Highlands.
In process of time, however, becoming very mighty and obstreperous,
and the mountains waxing pursy, dropsical, and weak in the back, by
reason of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, and af-
ter a violent struggle, effected its escape. This is said to have come to
pass in very remote time, probably before that rivers had lost the art of
running up hill. The foregoing is a theory in which I do not pretend
to be skilled, notwithstanding that I do fully give it my belief.
6S HISTORY Of
greement of their respective surfaces, has even gone so far 1
as to assure me, in confidence, that Gibbet Island was
originally nothing more nor less than a wart on Anthony's
nose. *
Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next coasted
by Governor's Island, since terrible from its frowning for-
tress and grinning batteries. They would by no means,
however, land upon this island, since they doubted much
it might be the abode of demons and spirits, which in those
days did greatly abound throughout this savage and pa-
gan country.
Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came rolling
and tumbling by, turning up their sleek sides to the sun,
and spouting up the briny element in sparkling showers.
No sooner 1 did the sage OlofFe mark this than he was great-
ly rejoiced. " This," exclaimed he, " if I mistake not,
augurs well the porpoise is a fat, well conditioned fish
a burgomaster among fishes his looks betoken ease$ plen-
ty and prosperity I greatly admire this round fat fishj
and doubt not, but this is a happy omen of the success of
our undertaking." So saying, he directed his squadron to
steer in the tract of these aldermen fishes.
Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they swept up
the strait, vulgarly called the East River. And here
the rapid tide which courses through this strait, seizing
on the gallant tub in which Commodore Van Kortlandt
had embarked, hurried it forward with a velocity unpa-
ralleled in a Dutch boat, navigated by Dutchmen ; inso-
much that the good commodore, who had all his life long
been accustomed only to the drowsy navigation of canals,
was more than ever convinced that they were in the hands
of some supernatural power, and that the jolly porpoises
were towing them to some fair haven that was to fulfil all
their wishes and expectations.
* A promontory in the Highlands.
NEW-YORK. 69
Thus borne away by the resistless current, they doubled
that boisterous point of land, since called Corlear's Hook,*
and leaving to the right the rich winding cove of the Wai-
labout, where our infant navy is now-a-days put out to
nurse, they drifted into a magnificent expanse of water^
surrounded by pleasant shores, whose verdure was exceed*
ingly refreshing to the eye. While the voyagers were look-
ing around them, on what they conceived to be a serene
and sunny lake, they beheld at a distance, a crew of painted
savages, busily employed in fishing, who seemed more like
the genii of this romantic region their slender canoe
lightly balanced like a feather on the undulating surface
of the bay.
At sight of these, the hearts of the heroes of Communi-
paw were not a little troubled. But as good fortune would
have it, at the bow of the commodore's boat was stationed
a very valiant man, named Hendrick Kip, (which being
interpreted, means chicken, a name given him in token of
his courage). No sooner did he behold these varlet hea-
thens than he trembled with excessive valour, and although
a good half mile distant, he seized a musquetoon that lay
at hand, and turning away his head, fired it most intre-
pidly in the face of the blessed sun. The blundering wea-
pon recoiled and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious kick,
that laid him prostrate with uplifted heels in the bottom
of the boat. But such was the effect of this tremendous
fire, that the wild men of the woods, struck with conster-
nation, seized hastily upon their paddles, and shot away
into one of the deep inlets of the Long-Island shore.
This signal .victory gave new spirits to the hardy voy-
agers, and in honour of the achievement they gave the
name of the valiant Kip to the surrounding bay, and it has
continued to be called KIP'S BAY, from that time to the
present. The heart of the good Van Kortlandt who,
* Properly spelt Uocck (i. e.) a point of land.
70 HISTORY OF
having no land of his own, was a great admirer of other
people's expanded at the sumptuous prospect of rich un-
settled country around him, and faUing into a delicious
reverie, he straightway began to riot in the possession of
vast meadows of salt marsh and interminable patches of
cabbages. From this delectable vision he was all at once
awakened by the sudden turning of the tide, which would
soon have hurried him from this land of promise, had not
the discreet navigator given signal to steer for shore; where
they accordingly landed hard by the rocky heights of Bel-
le vue that happy retreat, where our jolly aldermen eat
for the good of the city, arid fatten the turtle that are sa-
crificed on civic solemnities.
Here, seated on the green sw^ard, by the side of a small
stream that ran sparkling among the grass, they refreshed
themselves after the toils of the seas, by feasting lustily on
the ample stores which they had provided for this perilous
voyage. Thus having well fortified their deliberative
powers, they fell into an earnest consultation, what was
further to be done. This was the first council dinner ever
eaten at Bellevue by Christian burghers ; and here, as tra-
dition relates, did originate the great family feud between
the Hardenbroecks and the Tenbroecks, which afterwards
had a singular influence on the building of the city. The
sturdy Hardenbroeck, whose eyes had been wondrously
delighted with the salt marshes that spread their reeking
bosoms along the coast, at the bottom of Kip's Bay, coun-
selled by all means to return thither, and found the intend-
ed city. This was strenuously opposed by the unbending
Ten Broeck, and many testy arguments passed between
them. The particulars of this controversy have not reached
us, which is ever to be lamented; this much is certain,
that the sage Oloflfe put an end to the dispute, by deter-
mining to explore still further in the route which the mys-
terious porpoises had so clearly pointed out : whereupon
the sturdy Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition, took
NEW. YORK. 71
possession ot'a neighbouring hill, and in a fit of great wrath
peopled all that tract of country, which has continued to
be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks unto this very day.
By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton urchin,
sporting on the side of a green hill, began to roll down
the declivity of the heavens ; and now, the tide having once
more turned in their favour, the resolute Pavonians again
committed themselves to its discretion, and coasting along
the western shores were borne towards the straits of Black-
well's Island.
And here the capricious wanderings of the current, oc-
casioned not a little marvel and perplexity to these illus-
trious mariners. Now would they be caught by the wan-
ton eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting point, would
wind deep into some romantic little cove, that indented
the fair island of Manna-hatta, now were they hurried nar-
rowly by the very bases of impending rocks, mantled with
the flaunting grape vine, and crowned with groves that
threw a broad shade on the waves beneath ; and anon they
were borne away into the mid-channel, and wafted along
with a rapidity that very much discomposed the sage Van
Kortlandt, who, as he saw the land swiftly receding on ei-
ther side, began exceedingly to doubt that terra firma was
giving them the slip.
Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new crea-
tion seemed to bloom around. No signs of human thrift
appeared to check the delicious wildness of nature, who
here revelled in all her luxuriant variety. Those hills now
bristled, like the fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars,
(vain, upstart plants ! minions of wealth and fashion ! )
were then adorned with the vigorous natives of the soil.
The lordly oak, the generous chesnut, the graceful elm
while here and there the tulip-tree reared his majestic head,
the giant of the forest where now are seen the gay retreats
of luxury villas half buried in twilight-bowers, whence
the amorous flute oft breathes the sighings of some city
72 HISTORY OF
swain there the fish-hawk built his solitary nest, on some
dry tree that overlooked his watery domain. The timid
deer fed undisturbed along those shores now hallowed by
the lover's moon-light walk, and printed by the slender
foot of beauty ; and a savage solitude extended over those
happy regions, where now are reared the stately towers of
the Joneses, the Schermerhornes and the Rhinelanders.
Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new and
unknown scenes, the gallant squadron of Pavonia swept
by the foot of a promontory, that strutted forth boldly into
the waves, and seemed to frown upon them as they brawled
against its base. This is the bluff well known to modern
mariners by the name of Grade's point, from the fair cas-
tle, which, like an elephant, it carries upon its back. And
here broke upon their view a wild and varied prospect,
where land and water were beauteously intermingled, as
though they had combined to heighten and set off each
other's charms. To their right lay the sedgy point of
Blackwell's Island, drest in the fresh garniture of living
green : beyond it stretched the pleasant coast of Sunds-
wick, and the small harbour well known by the name of
Hallet's cove a place infamous, in latter days, by reason
of its being the haunt of pirates who infest these seas, rob-
bing orchards and water-melon patches, and insulting gen-
tlemen navigators, when voyaging in their pleasure boats.
To the left a deep bay, or rather creek, gracefully receded
between shores fringed with forests, and forming a kind of
vista, through which were beheld the sylvan regions of
Haerlem, Morrissania, and East Chester. Here the eye
reposed with delight on a richly wooded country, diversi-
fied by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and waving lines
of upland, swelling above each other; while over the whole,
the purple mists of spring diffused a hue of soft voluptu-
ousness.
Just before them the grand course of the stream making
a sudden bend, wound among embowered promontories
NEW-YORK. 73
and shores of emerald verdure, that seemed to melt into,
the wave. A character of gentleness and mild fertility pre-
vailed around. The sun had just descended, and the thin
haze of twilight, like a transparent veil, drawn over the bo-
som of virgin beauty, heightened the charms, which it half
concealed.
Ah ! witching scenes of foul delusion ! Ah ! hapless
voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on these Circean
shores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor easy souls, who listen
to the seductions of a wicked world treacherous are its
smiles ! fatal its caresses. He who yields to its entice-
ments launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his fee-
ble bark among the dimpling eddies of a whirlpool ! And
thus it fared with the worthies of Pavonia, who, little mis-
trusting the guileful scene before them, drifted quietly on,
until they were aroused by an uncommon tossing and agi-
tation of their vessels. For now the late dimpling current
began to brawl around them, and the waves to boil and
foam with horrific fury. Awakened as if from a dream,
the astonished Oloffe bawled aloud to put about, but his
words were lost amid the roaring of the waters. And now
ensued a scene of direful consternation : at one time they
were borne with dreadful velocity, among tumultuous
breakers, at another hurried down boisterous rapids. Now
they were nearly dashed upon the Hen and Chickens, (in-
famous rocks! more voracious than Scylla and her
whelps;) and anon they seemed sinking into yawning
gulphs, that threatened to entomb them beneath the waves.
All the elements combined to produce a hideous confusion.
The waters raged the winds howled and as they were
hurried along, several of the astonished mariners beheld
the rocks and trees of the neighbouring shores, driving
through the air !
At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van Kort-
landt was drawn into the vortex of that tremendous whiriU
K
74 HISTORY OF
pool called the Pot, where it was whirled about in giddy
mazes, until the senses of the good commander and his
crew were overpowered by the horror of the scene, and the
strangeness of the revolution.
How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was snatched from
the jaws of this modern Charybdis, has never been truly
made known; for so many survived to tell the tale, and,
what is still more wonderful, told it in so many different
ways, that there has ever prevailed a great variety of opi-
nions on the subject.
As to the commodore and his crew, when they came to
their senses they found themselves stranded on the Long-
island shore. The worthy commodore indeed, used to re-
late many and wonderful stories of his adventures in this
time of peril, which by his account, did far exceed those
of the sage Ulysses, in the straits of Charybdis. For he
saw spectres flying in the air, and heard the yelling of
hobgoblins, and put his hand into the Pot when they were
whirled around, and found the water scalding hot, and be-
held several uncouth looking beings seated on rocks, and
skimming it with huge ladles ; but particularly he declared
with great exultation, that he saw the losel porpoises,
which had betrayed them into this peril, some broiling on
the gridiron, and others hissing in the frying-pan.
These, however, were considered by many as mere phan-
tasies of the commodore's imagination, while he lay in a
trance ; especially as he was known to be given to dream-
ing ; and the truth of them has never been clearly ascer-
tained. It is certain, however, that to the accounts of O-
loffe and his followers may be traced the various traditions
handed down of this marvellous strait, as how the devil
has been seen there, sitting astride of the hog's back and
playing on the fiddle how he broils fish there before a
storm ; and many other stories, in which we must be cau-
tious of putting too much faith. In consequence of all
NEW-YORK. 75
these terrific circumstances, the Pavonian commander gave
this pass the name ofHelle-gat, or as it has been interpreted,
Hell-gate ; * which it continues to bear at the present day.
CHAPTER V.
How the heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat wiser than
they went and how the sage Oloffe dreamed, a dream and the
dream tit at he dreamed.
THE darkness of night had closed upon this disastrous
day, and doleful night was it to the shipwrecked Pavo-
nians, whose ears were incessantly assailed with the raging
of the elements, and the howling of the hobgoblins that in-
fested this perfidious strait. But when the morning dawned,
the horrors of the preceding evening had passed away ; ra-
pids, breakers and whirlpools had disappeared ; the Stream
again ran smooth and dimpling, and having changed its
tide, rolled gently back, towards the quarter where lay
their much regretted home.
The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each other
* This is a narrow strait in the sound, at the distance of six miles a-
bove New-York. It is dangerous to shipping, unless under the care
of skilful pilots, by reason of numerous rocks, shelves, and whirlpools.
These have received sundry appellations, such as the gridiron, frying-
pan, hog's back, pot, &c. ; and are very violent and turbulent at certain
times of tide. Certain wise men who instruct these modern days have
softened the above characteristic name into Hurl-gate* which means
nothing. I leave them to give their own etymology. The name as
given by our author is supported by the map in Vander Donck's his-
tory, published in 1656, by Ogilvie's history of America, 1671, as also
by a journal still extant, written in the 16th century, and to be found
in Hazard's State Papers. And an old MS. written in French, speak-
ing of various alterations in names about this city, observes, " De
Hell-gate, trou d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell-gate, porte d'Enfer."
76 HISTORY OF
with rueful countenances; their squadron had, been total*
ly dispersed by the late disaster- Some were, cast upon
the western shore, where, headed by one Ruleff Hopper,
they took possession of all the country lying about the six
mile stone ; which is held by the Hoppers at this present
writing.
The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather to a
distant coast, where, having with them a jug of genuine
Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate the savages, set-
ting up a kind of tavern ; from whence, it is said, did
spring the fair town of Haerlem,. in which their descen-
dants have ever since continued to be reputable publicans.
As to the Suydams, they were thrown upon the Long-
island coast, and may still be found in those parts. But
the most singular luck attended the great Ten Broeck,
who, falling overboard, was miraculously preserved from
sinking by the multitude of his nether garments. Thus
buoyed up, he floated on the waves, like a merman, until
he landed safely on a rock, where he was found the next
morning, busily drying his many breeches in the sunshine.
I forbear to treat of the long consultation of our adven-
turers how they determined that it would not do to found
a city in this diabolical neighbourhood, and how at length,
with fear and trembling, they ventured once more upon
the briny element, and steered their course back for Com-
munipaw. Suffice it, in simple brevity, to say, that after
toiling back through the scenes of their yesterday's voyage,
they at length opened the southern point of Manna-hata,
and gained a distant view of their beloved Communipaw.
And here they were opposed by an obstinate eddy, that
resisted all the efforts of the exhausted mariners. Weary
and dispirited, they could no longer make head against
the power of the tide, or rather, as some will have it, of
old Neptune, who, anxious to guide them to a spot, where-
on should be founded his strong-hold in this western world,
sent half a score of potent billows, that rolled the tub of
NEW-YORK. 77
Commodore Van Kortlandt high and dry on the shores
of Manna-hata.
Having thus in a manner been guided by supernatural
power to this delightsome island, their first care was to
light a fire at the foot of a large tree, that stood upon the
point at present called the battery. Then gathering toge-
ther great store of oysters which abounded on the shore,
and emptying the contents of their wallets, they prepared
and made a sumptuous council repast. The worthy Van
Kortlandt was observed to be particularly zealous in his
devotions to the trencher ; for having the cares of the ex-
pedition especially committed to his care, he deemed it in-
cumbent on him to eat profoundly for the public good.
In proportion as he filled himself to the very brim with the
dainty viands before him, did the heart of this excellent
Burgher seem to rise up towards his throat, until he seemed
crammed and almost choked with good eating and good
nature. And at such times it is, when a man's heart is in
his throat, that he may more truly be said to speak from
it, and his speeches abound with kindness and good fel-
lowship. Thus the worthy Oloffe having swallowed the
last possible morsel, and washed it down with a fervent
potation, felt his heart yearning, and his whole frame in a
manner dilating with unbounded benevolence. Every
thing around him seemed excellent and delightful; and,
laying his hands on each side of his capacious periphery,
and rolling his half closed eyes around on the beautiful
diversity of land and water before him, he exclaimed,
in a fat half smothered voice, " What a charming pros-
pect !" The words died away in his throat he seemed to
ponder on the fair scene for a moment his eyelids heavi-
ly closed over their orbs his head drooped upon his bo-
som -he slowly sunk upon the green turf, and a deep sleep
stole gradually upon him.
And the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream and lo, the good
St. Nicholas came riding over the tops of the trees, in that
78 HISTORY OF
self-same waggon wherein he brings his yearly presents to
children ; and he came and descended hard by where the
heroes of Communipaw had made their late repast. And
the shrewd Van Kortlandt knew him by his broad hat, his
long pipe, and the resemblance which he bore to the fi-
gure on the bow of the Goede Vrouw. And he lit his pipe
by the fire, and he sat himself down and smoked ; and as
he smoked, the smoke from his pipe ascended into the air
and spread like a cloud over head. And the sage Oloffe
bethought him, and he hastened and climbed up to the top
of one of the tallest trees, and saw that the smoke spread
over a great extent of country ; and as he considered it
more attentively, he fancied that the great volume of smoke
assumed a variety of marvellous forms, where in dun ob-
scurity he saw shadowed out palaces and domes, and lof-
ty spires, all which lasted but a moment, and then faded
away, until the whole rolled off, and nothing but the green
woods were left. And when St. Nicholas had smoked his
pipe, he twisted it in his hat-band, and laying his finger
beside his nose gave the astonished Van Kortlandt a very
significant look ; then mounting his waggon, he returned
over the tree tops and disappeared.
And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly in-
structed, and he aroused his companions and related to
them his dream : and interpreted it, that it was the will of
St. Nicholas that they should settle down and build the
city here. And that the smoke of the pipe was a type
how vast should be the extent of the city ; inasmuch as
the volumes of its smoke should spread over a vast extent
of country. And they all with one voice assented to this
interpretation excepting Mynheer Ten Broeck, who de-
clared the meaning to be that it should be a city wherein
a little fire should occasion a great smoke, or, in other
words, a very vapouring little city both which interpre-
tations have strangely come to pass !
The great object of their perilous expedition, therefore,
NEW-YORK. 79
being thus happily accomplished, the voyagers returned
merrily to Communipaw, where they were received with
great rejoicings. And here calling a general meeting of
all the wise men and the dignitaries of Pavonia, they re-
lated the whole history of their voyage and of the dream
of Oloffe Van Kortlandt. And the people lifted up their
voices and blessed the good St. Nicholas, and from that
time forth the sage Van Kortlandt was held in more ho-
nour than ever, for his great talent at dreaming, and was
pronounced a most useful citizen and a right good man
when he was asleep.
CHAPTER VI.
Containing an attempt at etymology and of the founding of
the great city of New- Amsterdam.
THE original name of the island wherein the squadron
of Communipaw was thus propitiously thrown, is a matter
of some dispute, and has already undergone considerable
vitiation a melancholy proof of the instability of all sub-
lunary things, and the vanity of all our hopes of lasting
fame; for who can expect his name will live to posterity,
when even the names of mighty islands are thus soon lost
in contradiction and uncertainty !
The name most current at the present day, and which
is likewise countenanced by the great historian Vander
Donck, is Manhattan ; which is said to have originated in
a custom among the squaws, in the early settlement, of
wearing men's hats, as is still done among many tribes.
" Hence," as we are told by an old governor who was
somewhat of a wag, and flourished almost a century since,
and had paid a visit to the wits of Philadelphia " Hence
arose the appellation of man-hat-on, first given to the In-
80 HISTORY OF
dians, and afterwards to the island:" a stupid joke ! but
well enough for a governor.
Among the more venerable sources of information on
this subject, is that valuable history of the American pos-
sessions, written by Master Richard Blome in 1 687, *
wherein it is called Manhadaes and Maiiahanent; nor
must I forget the excellent little book, full of precious
matter, of that authentic historian, John Josselyn, Gent. }-
who expressly calls it Manadaes.
Another etymology still more ancient, and sanctioned
by the countenance of our ever to be lamented Dutch an-
cestors, is that found in certain letters still extant ;J which
passed between the early governors and their neighbour-
ing powers, wherein it is called indifferently Monhattoes,
Munhatos, and Manhattoes, which are evidently unim-
portant variations of the same name ; for our wise fore-
fathers set little store by those niceties either in orthogra-
phy or orthoepy, which form the sole study and ambition
of many learned men and women of this hypercritical age.
This last name is said to be derived from the great Indian
spirit Manetho; who was supposed to make this island
his favourite abode on account of its uncommon delights.
For the Indian traditions affirm, that the bay was once a
translucid lake, filled with silver and golden fish, in the
midst of which lay this beautiful island, covered with every
variety of fruits and flowers ; but that the sudden irruption
of the Hudson laid waste these blissful scenes, and Ma-
netho took his flight beyond the great waters of Ontario.
These, however, are fabulous legends, to which very
cautious credence must be given ; and although I am wil-
ling to admit the last quoted orthography of the name, as
* This history is to be found in the library of the New-York His*
torical Society,
f Idem.
$ Vide Hazard's Col. Stat. Pap.
NEW. YORK. 81
very suitable for prose, yet is there another one founded
on still more ancient and indisputable authority, which I
particularly delight in, seeing that it is at once poetical,
melodious, and significant; and this is recorded in the
before-mentioned voyage of the great Hudson, written by
Master Juet; who clearly and correctly calls it MANNA-
HATA : that is to say, the island of Manna, or in other
words, " a land flowing with milk and honey !"
It having been solemnly resolved that the seat of em-
pire should be transferred from the green shores of Pa-
vonia to this delectable island, a vast multitude embarked,
and migrated across the mouth of the Hudson, under the
guidance of Oloffe the Dreamer, who was appointed pro-
tector or patron to the new settlement.
And here let me bear testimony to the matchless ho-
nesty and magnanimity of our worthy forefathers, who
purchased the soil of the native Indians, before erecting a
single roof; a circumstance singular and almost incredible
in the annals of discovery and colonization.
The first settlement was made on the southwest point
of the island, on the very spot where the good St. Nicholas
had appeared in the dream. Here they built a mighty
and impregnable fort and trading house, called Fort Am-
sterdam, which stood on that eminence at present occupied
by the custom-house, with the open space now called the
bowling-green, in front.
Around this potent fortress was soon seen a numerous
progeny of little Dutch houses, with tiled roofs, all which
seemed most lovingly to nestle under its walls, like a broo<J
of half fledged chickens sheltered under the wings of the
mother hen. The whole was surrounded by an enclosure
of strong palisadoes, to guard against any sudden irrup-
tion of the savages who wandered in hordes about the
swamps and forests, that extended over those tracts of
country at present called Broadway, Wall-street, WiL-
Ham-street, and Pearl-street.
82 HISTORY OF
No sooner was the colony once planted than it took
root and throve amazingly, for it would seem that this
thrice favoured island is like a munificent dunghill, where
every foreign weed finds kindly nourishment, and soon
shoots up, and expands to greatness.
And now the infant settlement having advanced in age
and stature, it was thought high time it should receive an
honest Christian name, and it was accordingly called New-
Amsterdam. It is true there were some advocates for the
original Indian name, and many of the best writers of the
province did long continue to call it by the title of " The
Manhattoes," but this was discountenanced by the autho-
rities, as being heathenish and savage. Besides, it was
considered an excellent and praiseworthy measure to name
it after a great city of the old world ; as by that means it
was induced to emulate the greatness and renown of its
namesake in the manner that little snivelling urchins are
called after great statesmen, saints, and worthies, and re-
nowned generals of yore, upon which they all industri-
ously copy their examples, and come to be very mighty
men in their day and generation.
The thriving state of the settlement, and the rapid in-
crease of houses, gradually awakened the good Oloffe from
a deep lethargy, into which he had fallen after the building
of the fort. He now began to think it was time some plan
should be devised, on which the increasing town should
be built. Summoning, therefore, his counsellors and co-
adjutors together, they took pipe in mouth, and forthwith
sunk into a very stiund deliberation on the subject.
At the very outset of the business an unexpected diffe-
rence of .opinion arose, and I mention it with much sor-
rowing, .as being the first altercation on record in the
councils of New- Amsterdam. It was a breaking forth of
the grudge and heartburning, that had existed between
those two eminent burghers, Mynheers Tenbroeck and
Hardenbroeck, ever since their unhappy .altercation on
NEW-YORK. 83
the coast of Bellevue. The great Hardenbroeck had
waxed very wealthy and powerful from his domains,
which embraced the whole chain of Apulean mountains
that stretch along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and from part of
which his descendants have been expelled in latter ages
by the powerful clans of the Joneses and the Shermer-
hornes.
An ingenious plan for the city was offered by Mynheer
Tenbroeck, who proposed that it should be cut up and
intersected by canals, after the manner of the most ad-
mired cities in Holland. To this Mynheer Hardenbroeck
was diametrically opposed, suggesting in place thereof,
that they should run out docks and wharfs, by means of
piles, driven into the bottom of the river, on which the
town should be built. " By these means," said he tri-
umphantly, " shall we rescue a considerable space of
territory from these immense rivers, and build a city
that shall rival Amsterdam, Venice, or any amphibious
city in Europe." To this proposition, Ten Broeck (or
Ten Breeches) replied, with a look of as much scorn as
he could possibly assume. He cast the utmost censure
upon the plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous,
and against the very order of things, as he would leave to
every true Hollander. " For what," said he, " is a town
without canals? It is like a body without veins and ar-
teries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of the
vital fluid." Tough Breeches, on the contrary, retorted
with a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat of
an arid, dry boned habit ; he remarked, that as to the cir-
culation of the blood being necessary to existence, Myn-
heer Ten Breeches was a living contradiction to his own
assertion; for every body knew there had not a drop of
blood circulated through his wind-dried carcase for good
ten years, and yet there was not a greater busybody in the
whole colony. Personalities have seldom much effect in
making converts in argument; nor have I ever seen a man
84 HISTORY OF
convinced of error, by being convicted of deformity. At
least such was not the case at present. Ten Breeches was
very acrimonious in reply, and Tough Breeches, who was
a sturdy little man, and never gave up the last word, re-
joined with increasing spirit Ten Breeches had the ad-
vantage of the greatest volubility, but Tough Breeches
had that invaluable coat of mail in argument called obsti-
nacy^ Ten Breeches had, therefore, the most mettle, but
Tough Breeches the best bottom so that though Ten
Breeches made a dreadful clattering about his ears, and
battered and belaboured him with hard words and sound
arguments ; yet Tough Breeches hung on most resolutely
to the last. They parted, therefore, as is usual in all ar-
guments where both parties are in the right, without com-
ing to any conclusion ; but they hated each other most
heartily for ever after, and a similar breach with that be-
tween the houses of Capulet and Montague, did ensue be-
tween the families of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches.
I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters
of fact, but that my duty as a faithful historian, requires
that I should be particular; and in truth, as I am now
treating of the critical period, when our city, like a young
twig, first received the twists and turns, that have since
contributed to give it the present picturesque irregularity
for which it is celebrated, I cannot be too minute in de-
tailing their first causes.
After the unhappy altercation I have just mentioned, I
do not find that any thing further was said on the subject
worthy of being recorded. The council, consisting of the
largest and oldest heads in the community, met regularly
once a week, to ponder on this momentous subject; but
either they were deterred by the war of words they had
witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the exercise of
the tongue, and the consequent exercise of the brains
certain it is, the most profound silence was maintained-
the question as usual lay on the table the members qui-
NEW-YORK. 85
etly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without
ever enforcing any, and in the mean time the affairs of the
settlement went on as it pleased God;
As most of the council were but little skilled in the
mystery of combining pot-hooks and hangers, they deter-
mined, most judiciously, not to puzzle either themselves or
posterity with voluminous records. The secretary, how-
ever, kept the minutes of the council with tolerable preci-
sion, in a large vellum folio, fastened with massy brass
clasps ; the journal of each meeting consisted but of two
lines, stating in Dutch, that, " the council sat this day,
and smoked twelve pipes on the affairs of the colony."
By which it appears that the first settlers did not regulate
their time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner as they
measure distances in x Holland at this very time; an admi-
rably exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth of a true
born Dutchman, is never liable to those accidents and ir-
regularities that are continually putting our clocks out of
order.
In this manner did the profound council of NEW- AM-
STERDAM smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to
week, month to month, and year to year, in what manner
they should construct their infant settlement : mean while,
the town took care of itself and like a sturdy brat which
is suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and
bandages, and other abominations, by which your notable
nurses and sage old women cripple and disfigure the chil-
dren of men, increased so rapidly in strength and magni-
tude, that before the honest burgomasters had determined
upon a plan, it was too late to put it in execution where-
upon they wisely abandoned the subject altogether.
86 HISTORY OF
CHAPTER VII.
tiorv the City of New- Amsterdam waxed great, under the
protection of Oloffe the Dreamer.
THERE is something exceedingly delusive in thus look-
ing back, through the long vista of departed years, and
catching a glimpse of the fairy realms of antiquity that lie
beyond. Like some goodly landscape melted into dis-
tance, they receive a thousand charms from their very
obscurity, and the fancy delights to fill up their outlines
with graces and excellencies of its own creation. Thus
beam on my imagination those happier days of our city,
when as yet New- Amsterdam was a mere pastoral town,
shrouded in groves of sycamore and willows, and sur-
rounded by trackless forests and wide spreading waters,
that seemed to shut out all the cares and vanities of a
wicked world.
In those days did this embryo city present the rare and
noble spectacle of a community governed without laws ;
and thus being left to its own course, and the fostering
care of providence, increased as rapidly as though it had
been burthened with a dozen panniers full of those sage
laws that are usually heaped on the backs of young cities
in order to make them grow. And in this particular
I greatly admire the wisdom and sound knowledge of hu-
man nature, displayed by the sage Oloffe the Dreamer,
and his fellow legislators. For my part I have not so bad
an opinion of mankind as many of my brother philoso-
phers. I do not think poor human nature so sorry a piece
of workmanship as they would make it out to be ; and as
far as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that man, if left
to himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. It
is only this eternally sounding in his ears that it is his duty
NEW-YORK. 87
to go right, that makes him go the very reverse. The no*
ble independence of his nature revolts at this intolerable
tyranny of law, and the perpetual interference of officious
morality, which is ever besetting his path with finger-posts
and directions to " keep to the right, as the law directs ;"
and like a spirited urchin, he turns directly contrary, and
gallops through mud and mire, over hedges and ditches,
merely to show that he is a lad of spirit, and out of his
leading strings. And these opinions are amply substan-
tiated by what I have above said of our worthy ancestors;
who never being be-preached and be-lectured, and guided
and governed by statutes and laws and bye-laws, as are
their more enlightened descendants, did one and all de-
mean themselves honestly and peaceably, out of pure ig-
norance, or in other words because they knew no better.
Nor must I omit to record, one of the earliest measures
of this infant settlement, inasmuch as it shows the piety of
our forefathers, and that, like good Christians, they were
always ready to serve God, after they had first served
themselves. Thus, having quietly settled themselves down,
and provided for their own comfort, they bethought them*
selves of testifying their gratitude to the great and good
St, Nicholas, for his protecting care, in guiding them to
this delectable abode. To this end they built a fair and
goodly chapel within the fort, which they consecrated to
his name; whereupon he immediately took the town of
New- Amsterdam under his peculiar patronage, and he has
ever since been, and I devoutly hope will ever be, the tu-
telar saint of this excellent city.
I am moreover told that there is a little legendary book,
somewhere extant, written in low Dutch, which says, that
the image of this renowned saint, which whilome graced
the bowsprit of the Goede Vrouw, was elevated in front of
this chapel, in the very centre of what, in modern days,
is called the Bowling Green. And the legend further
treats of divers miracles wrought by the mighty pipe which
88 HISTORY OF
the saint held in his mouth ; a whiff of whieh was a sove-
reign cure for an indigestion an invaluable relique in this
colony of brave trenchermen. As, however, in spite of
the most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this
little book, I must confess that I entertain considerable
doubt on the subject.
Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicholas, the
burghers of New-Amsterdam beheld their settlement in-
crease in magnitude and population, and sopn become the
metropolis of divers settlements, and an extensive terri-
tory. Already had the disastrous pride of colonies and
dependencies, those banes of a sound-hearted empire, en-
tered into their imaginations; and Fort Aurania on the
Hudson, Fort Nassau on the Delaware, and Fort Goede
Hoep on the Connecticut river, seemed to be the darling
offspring of the venerable council. * Thus prosperously,
to all appearance, did the province of New Netherlands
advance in power ; and the early history of its metropolis
presents a fair page, unsullied by crime or calamity.
Hordes of painted savages still lurked about the tangled
forests and rich bottoms of the unsettled part of the Island
the hunter pitched his rude bower of skins and bark be-
side the rills that ran through the cool and shady glens,
while here and there might be seen on some sunny knoll,
a group of Indian wigwams, whose smoke arose above the
* The province about this time, extended on the north to Fort Au-
rania or Orange (now the city of Albany) situated about 1 60 miles up
the Hudson river. Indeed the province claimed quite to the river St,
Lawrence ; but this claim was not much insisted on at the time, as the
country beyond Fort Aurania was a perfect wilderness. On the south
the province reached to Fort Nassau, on the south river, since called
the Delaware ; and on the east it extended to the Varshe (or fresh) ri-
ver, now the Connecticut. On this last frontier was likewise erected a
fort and trading house, much about the spot where at present is situa-
ted the pleasant town of Hartford. This was called Fort Goede Hoep,
(or Good Hope) and was intended as well for the purpose of trade, as
of defence.
NEW- YORK. 89
neighbouring trees, and floated in the transparent atmos-
phere. By degrees a mutual goodwill had grown up be-
tween these wandering beings and the burghers of New-
Amsterdam. Our benevolent forefathers endeavoured as
much as possible to ameliorate their situation, by giving
them gin, rum, and glass beads, in exchange for their pel-
tries, for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen had con-
ceived a great friendship for their savage neighbours, on
account of their being pleasant men to trade with, and lit-
tle skilled in the art of making a bargain.
Now and then a crew of these half-human sons of the
forest would make their appearance in the streets of New*
Amsterdam, fantastically painted and decorated with beads
and flaunting feathers, sauntering about with an air of list-
less indifference sometimes in the market-place, instruct-
ing the little Dutch boys in the use of the bow and arrow
at other times, inflamed with liquor, swaggering and
whooping and yelling about the town like so many fiends,
to the great dismay of all the good wives, who would hur-
ry their children into the house, fasten the doors, and throw
water upon the enemy from the garret windows. Jt is
worthy of mention here, that our forefathers were very par~
ticular in holding up these wild men as excellent domes*-
tic examples ; and for reasons that may be gathered from
the history of Master Ogilvie, who tells us, that " for the
least offence the bridegroom soundly beats his wife and
turns her out of doors, and marries another, insomuch that
some of them have every year a new wife." Whether
this awful example had any influence or not, history does
not mention ; but it is certain that our grandmothers were
miracles of fidelity and obedience.
True it is, that the good understanding between our an-
cestors and their savage neighbours, was liable to occa-
sional interruptions, and I have heard my grandmother,
who was a very wise old woman, and well versed in the
history of these parts, tell a long story, of a winter's even-
M
90 HISTORY OF
ing, about a battle between the New- Amsterdammers and
the Indians, which was known by the name of the peach-
war ; and which took place near a peach orchard, in a
dark glen, which for a long while went by the name of
Murderer's Valley.
The legend of this sylvan war was long current among
the nurses, old wives, and other ancient chroniclers of the
place ; but time and improvement have almost obliterated
both the tradition and the scene of battle ; for what was
once the blood stained valley is now in the centre of this
populous city, and known by the name of Dey-street.
The accumulating wealth and consequence of New- Am-
sterdam and its dependencies, at length awakened the ten-
der solicitude of the mother country; who finding it a
thriving and opulent colony, and that it promised to yield
great profit, and no trouble, all at once became wonder-
fully anxious about its safety, and began to load it with
tokens of regard, in the same manner that your knowing
people are sure to overwhelm rich relations with their af-
fection and loving-kindness.
The usual marks of protection shown by mother coun-
tries to wealthy colonies, were forthwith manifested ; the
first care always being to send rulers to the new settle-
ment, with orders to squeeze as much revenue from it as
it will yield. Accordingly in the year of our Lord, 1 629,
Mynheer WOUTER VAN TWILLER, was appointed gover-
nor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the com-
mission and control of their High Mightinesses, the Lords
States-General of the United Netherlands, and the privi-
leged West-India Company.
This renowned old gentleman arrived at New- Amster-
dam in the merry month of June, the sweetest month in
ail the year; when Dan Apollo seems to dance up the
transparent firmament when the robin, the thrush, and
a thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to re-
sound with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little bob-
NEW-YORK. 98
lincon revels among the clover blossoms of the meadows ;
all which happy coincidences persuaded the old dames of
New- Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art of foretel-
ling events, that this was to be a happy and prosperous ad-
ministration.
But as it would be derogatory to the consequence of the
first Dutch governor of the great province of Nieuw Ne-
derlandts, to be thus scurvily introduced at the end of a
chapter, I will put an end to this second book of my his-
tory, that I may usher him in with more dignity in the be-
ginning of my next.
END OF BOOK SECOND.
Mack
IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN RfilGtf
WOUTER VAN TWILLER.
CHAPTER L
Of the renowned Wouter Van Twitter, his unparalleled virtues-**
as likewise his unutterable wisdom in the law case of Wandle
Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker and the great admiration
of the public thereat.
(JTRIEVOUS and very much to be commiserated is the task
of the feeling historian, who writes the history of his na-
tive land. If it fall to his lot to be the sad recorder of
calamity or crime, the mournful page is watered with his
tears i nor can he recall the most prosperous and 'blissful
era, without a melancholy sigh at the reflection, that it has
passed away for ever ! I know not whether it be owing
to an immoderate love for the simplicity of former times,
or to that certain tenderness of heart incident to all senti-
mental historians; but I candidly confess that I cannot
look back on the happier days of our city, which I now
describe, without a sad dejection of the spirits. With a
faultering hand do I withdraw the curtain of oblivion, that
veils the modest merit of our venerable ancestors ; and as
their figures rise to my mental vision, humble myself be-
fore the mighty shades.
Such are my feelings when I revisit the family mansion
of the Knickerbockers, and spend a lonely hour in the
chamber where hang the portraits of my forefathers)
HISTORY OF NEW-YORK, g$
shrouded in dust, like the forms they represent. With
pious reverence do I gaze on the countenances of those
renowned burghers, who have preceded me in the steady
march of existence : whose sober and temperate blood
now meanders through my veins, flowing slower and
slower in its feeble conduits, until its current shall soon
be stopped for ever !
These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials of the
mighty men who flourished in the days of the patriarchs ;
but who, alas, have long since mouldered in that tomb,
towards which my steps are insensibly and irresistibly
hastening ! As I pace the darkened chamber and lose
myself in melancholy musings, the shadowy images around
me almost seem to steal once more into existence : their
countenances to assume the animation of life their eyes
to pursue me in every movement ! Carried away by the
delusions of fancy, I almost imagine myself surrounded
by the shades of the departed, and holding sweet converse
with the worthies of antiquity ! Ah, hapless Diedrich !
born in a degenerate age, abandoned to the buiFettings of
fortune a stranger and a weary pilgrim in thy native
land ; blest with no weeping wife, nor family of helpless
children ; but doomed to wander neglected through those
crowded streets, and elbowed by foreign upstarts from
those fair abodes where once thine ancestors held sove-
reign empire !
Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, nor
suffer the doating recollections of age to overcome me,
while dwelling with fond garrulity on the virtuous days of
the patriarchs on those sweet days of simplicity and ease,
which never more will dawn on the lovely island of Man-
na-hata !
The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller, was
descended from a long line of Dutch burgomasters, who
had successively dozed away their lives, and grown fat
upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam ; and who
04 HISTORY OF
had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and
propriety, that they were never either heard or talked of
which, next to being universally applauded, should be
the object of ambition to all sage magistrates and rulers.
His surname of Twiller, is said to be a corruption of
the original Twijjler 9 which in English means doubter ; a
name admirably descriptive of his deliberative habits. For
though he was a man, shut up within himself like an
oyster, and of such a profoundly reflective turn, that he
scarcely ever spoke except in monosyllables ; yet did he
never make up his mind on any doubtful point. This
was clearly accounted for by his adherents, who affirmed
that he always conceived every subject on so comprehen-
sive a scale, that he had not room in his head to turn it
over and examine both sides of it ; so that he always re-
mained in doubt, merely in consequence of the astonish-
ing magnitude of his ideas !
There are two opposite ways by which some men get
into notice one by talking a vast deal and thinking a lit-
tle, and the other by holding their tongues and not think-
ing at all. By the first, many a vapouring superficial
pretender acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts
by the other, many a vacant dunderpate, like the owl,
the stupidest of birds, comes to be complimented, by a dis-
cerning world, with all the attributes of wisdom. This,
by the way, is a mere casual remark, which I would not
for the universe have it thought I apply to Governor Van
Twiller. On the contrary, he was a very wise Dutchman,
for he never said a foolish thing ; and of such invincible
gravity, that he was never known to laugh, or even to
smile, through the course of a long and prosperous life.
Certain, however, it is, there never was a matter proposed,
however simple, and on which your common narrow
minded mortals would rashly determine at the first glance,
but what the renowned Wouter put on a mighty myste-
rious, vacant kind of look, shook his capacious head, and
NEW-YORK. 95
having smoked for five minutes with redoubled earnest-
ness, sagely observed, that " he had his doubts about the
matter:" which, in process of time, gained him the cha-
racter of a man slow of belief, and not easily imposed on.
The person of this illustrious old gentleman was a sregu-
larly formed, and nobly proportioned, as though it had
been moulded by the hands of some cunning Dutch sta-
tuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He
was exactly five feet six inches in height, and six feet five
inches in circumference. His head was a perfect sphere,
far excelling in magnitude that of the great Pericles (who
was thence waggishly called Schenocephalus, or onion
head) indeed, of such stupendous dimensions was it, that
dame Nature herself, with all her sex's ingenuity, would
have been puzzled to construct a neck capable of support-
ing it; wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and
settled it firmly on the top of his back-bone, just between
the shoulders ; where it remained, as snugly bedded as a
ship pf war in the mud of the Potowmac. His body was
of an oblong form, particularly capacious at bottom;
which was wisely ordered by providence, seeing that he
was a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the
idle labour of walking. His legs, though exceeding short,
were sturdy in proportion to the weight they had to sus-
tain ; so that when erect he had not a little the appear-
ance of a robustious beer barrel, standing on skids. His
face, that infallible index of the mind, presented a vast
expanse perfectly unfurrowed or deformed by any of those
lines and angles, which disfigure the human countenance
with what is termed expression. Two small grey eyes
twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser mag-
nitude, in a hazy firmament ; and his full fed cheeks, which
seemed to have taken toll of every thing that went into his
mouth, were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky
red, like a Spitzenberg apple.
His habits were as regular as his person. He daily
96 HISTORY OF
took his four stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour
to each ; he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept
the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such was
the renowned Wouter Van Twiller a true philosopher,
for his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly set-
tled below, the cares and perplexities of this world, He
had lived in it for years, without feeling the least curiosity
to know whether the sun revolved round it, or it round
the sun ; and he had even watched for at least half a cen-
tury, the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, with*
out once troubling his head with any of those numerous
theories, by which a philosopher would have perplexed
his brain, in accounting for its rising above the surround-
ing atmosphere.
In his council he presided with great state and solemnity.
He sat in a huge chair of solid oak hewn in the celebrated
forest of the Hague, fabricated by an experienced Tim-
merman of Amsterdam, and curiously carved about the
arms and feet, into exact imitations of gigantic eagles' claws.
Instead of a sceptre, he swayed a long Turkish pipe,
wrought with jasmin and amber, which had been presented
to a stadtholder of Holland, at the conclusion of a treaty
with one of the petty Barbary powers. In this stately
chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe would he
smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion,
and fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of
Amsterdam, which hung in a black frame against the op- 1
posite wall of the council chamber. Nay, it has even
been said, that when any deliberation of extraordinary
length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned
Wouter would absolutely shut his eyes for full two hours
at a time, that he might not be disturbed by external ob-
jects; and at such times the internal commotion of his
mind, was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds,
which his admirers declared were merely the noise of
conflict made by his contending doubts and opinions.
NEW-YORK. 97
It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to col-
lect these biographical anecdotes of the great man under
consideration. The facts respecting him were so scattered
and vague, and divers of them so questionable in point of
authenticity, that I have had to give up the search after
many, and decline the admission of still more, which would
have tended to heighten the colouring of his portrait.
I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the per-
son and habits of the renowned Van Twiller, from the con-
sideration that he was not only the first, but also the besi
governor that ever presided over this ancient and respec-
table province; and so tranquil and benevolent was his
reign, that I do not find throughout the whole of it, a sin-
gle instance of any offender being brought to punishment;
a most indubitable sign of a mercifol governor, and a
case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the illustrious
King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van
Twiller was a lineal descendant.
The very outset of the career of this excellent magis-
trate, like that of Solomon, or to speak more appropriate^
ly, like that of the illustrious governor of Barataria, was
distinguished by an example of legal acumen, that gave
flattering presage of a wise and equitable administration.
The very morning after he had been solemnly installed in
office, and at the moment that he was making his break-
fast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and
Indian pudding, he was suddenly interrupted by the ap-
pearance of one Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important
old burgher of New?- Amsterdam, who complained bitterly
of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he fraudulently re-
fused to come to a settlement of accounts, seeing that there
was a heavy balance in favour of the said Wandle. Go-
vernor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, was a
man of few words ; he was likewise a mortal enemy to
multiplying writings, or being disturbed at his breakfast.
Having listened attentively to the statement of
N
98 HISTORY OF
Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he shovelled
a mighty spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth ei-
ther as a sign that he relished the dish, or comprehended
the story : he called unto him his constable, and pulling
out of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife, despatched
it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied by his
tobacco box as a warrant.
This summary process was as effectual in those simple
days, as was the seal ring of the great Haroun Alraschid,
among the true believers. The two parties, being con-
fronted before him, each produced a book of accounts,
written in a language and character that would have puz-
zled any but a high Dutch commentator, or a learned de-
cypherer of Egyptian obelisks, to understand. The sage
Wouter took them one after the other, and having poised
them in his hands, and attentively counted over the num-
ber of leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and
smoked for half an hour without saying a word ; at length,
laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting his eyes for
a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a
subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his
mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with
marvellous gravity and solemnity pronounced that ha-
ving carefully counted over the leaves and weighed the
books, it was found, that one was justas thick and as heavy
as the other therefore tt was the final opinion of the court,
that the accounts were equally balanced therefore Wan-
die should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give
Wandle a receipt and the constable should pay the costs.
This decision being straightway made known, diffused
general joy throughout New- Amsterdam ; for the people
immediately perceived, that they had a very wise and equi-
table magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest effect
was, that not another law-suit took place throughout the
whole of his administration ; and the office of constable
fell into such decay, that there was not one of those losel
NEW-YORK. 99
scouts known in the province for many years. I am the
more particular in dwelling on this transaction, not only
because I deem it one of the most sage and righteous judg-
ments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern
magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the
history of the renowned Wouter being the only time he
was ever known to come to a decision, in the whole course
of his life.
CHAPTER II.
Containing some account of the grand Council of New- Amster-
dam, as also divers especial good philosophical reasons why an
Alderman should be fat with other particulars touching the
state of the Province.
IN treating of the early governors of the province, I
must caution my readers against confounding them, in
point of dignity and power, with those worthy gentlemen,
who are whimsically denominated governors in this en-
lightened republic a set of unhappy victims of populari-
ty, who are in fact the most dependent, hen-pecked beings
in the community doomed to bear the secret goadings
and corrections of their own party, and the sneers and re-
vilings of the whole world beside set up, like geese at
Christmas holidays, to be pelted and shot at by every
whipster and vagabond in the land. On the contrary, the
Dutch governors enjoyed that uncontrolled authority ves-
ted in all commanders of distant colonies or territories.
They were in a manner absolute despots in their little do-
mains, lording it, if so disposed, over both law and gos-
pel, and accountable to none but the mother country;
which, it is well known, is astonishingly deaf to all com-
plaints against its governors, provided they discharge the
100 HISTORY OF
main duty of their station squeezing out a good revenue.
This hint will be of importance, to prevent my readers
from being seized with doubt and incredulity, whenever,
in the course of this authentic history, they encounter the
uncommon circumstance, of a governor acting with inde-
pendence, and in opposition to the opinions of the multi-
tude.
To assist the 'doubtful Wouter in the arduous business
of legislation, a board of magistrates was appointed, which
presided immediately over the police. This potent body
consisted of a schout or bailiff, with powers between those
of the present mayor and sheriff; five burgermeesters, who
were equivalent to aldermen ; and five schepens, who offi-
ciated as scrubs, sub-devils, or bottle-holders to the bur-
germeesters, in the same manner as do assistant aldermen
to their principals at the present day it being their duty
to fill the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters, hunt the mar-
kets for delicacies for corporation dinners^ and to discharge
such other little offices of kindness, as were occasionally
required. It was, moreover, tacitly understood, though
not specifically enjoined, that they should consider them-
selves as butts for the blunt wits of the burgermeestersj
and should laugh most heartily at all their jokes ; but this
last was a duty as rarely called in action in those days as
it is at present, and was shortly remitted, in consequence
of the tragical death of a fat little schepen, who actually
died of suffocation in an unsuccessful effort to force a laugh
at one of burgermeester Van Zandt's best jokes.
In return for these humble services, they were permit-
ted to say yes and no at the council board, and to have that
enviable privilege, the run of the public kitchen ; being
graciously permitted to eat, and drink, and smoke, at all
those snug junketings and public gormandizings, for which
the ancient magistrates were equally famous with their more
modern successors. The post of schepen, therefore, like
that of assistant alderman, was eagerly coveted by all your
NEW-YORK. 101
burghers of a Certain description, who have a huge relish
for good feeding, and an humble ambition to be great men,
in a small way who thirst after a little brief authority,
that shall render them the terror of the almshouse and the
bridewell that shall enable them to lord it. over obsequi-
ous poverty, vagrant vice, outcast prostitution, and huli-
ger-driven dishonesty that shall place in their hands the
lesser, but galling scourge of the law, and give to their
beck a hound-like pack of catchpoles and bum-bailiffs-
tenfold greater rogues than the culprits they hunt down !
My readers will excuse this sudden warmth, which I
confess is unbecoming of a grave historian ; but I have a
mortal antipathy to catchpoles, bum-bailiffs, and little great
men.
The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded with
those of the present time no less in form, magnitude, and
intellect, than in prerogative and privilege. The burgo-
masters* like our aldermen, were generally chosen by
weight; and not only the weight of the body, but likewise
the weight of the head. It is a maxim practically observed
in all honest, plain thinking, regular cities, that an alder-
man should be fat and the wisdom of this can be proved
to a certainty. That the body is in some measure an
image of the mind, or rather that the mind is moulded to
the body, like melted lead to the clay in which it is cast,
has been insisted on by many men of science, who have
made human nature their peculiar study. For as a learned
gentleman of our own city observes, " there is a constant
relation between the moral character of all intelligent crea-
tures, and their physical constitution between their habits
and the structure of their bodies." Thus we see, that a
lean, spare, diminutive body, is generally accompanied by
a petulant, restless, meddling mind. Either the mind
wears down the body by its continual motion ; or else the
body, not affording the mind sufficient house-room, keeps
it continually in a state of fretfulness, tossing and worry-
102 HISTORY OF
ing about, from the uneasiness of its situation. Whereas
your round, sleek, fat* unwieldy periphery is ever attend-
ed by a mind like itself, tranquil, torpid, and at ease ; and
we may always observe, that your well fed, robustious
burghers are in general very tenacious of their ease and
comfort ; being great enemies to noise, discord, and dis-
turbance : and surely none are more likely to study the
public tranquillity than those who are so careful of their
own. Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herd-
ing together in turbulent mobs? No no it is your lean,
hungry men, who are continually worrying society, and
setting the whole community by the ears.
The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not sufficiently
attended to by philosophers of the present age, allows to
every man three souls : one immortal and rational, seated
in the brain, that it may overlook and regulate the body
a second consisting of the surly and irascible passions,
which, like belligerent powers, lie encamped around the
heart a third mortal and sensual, destitute of reason,
gross and brutal in its propensities, and enchained in the
belly, that it may not disturb the divine soul, by its rave-
nous bowlings. Now, according to this excellent theory,
what can be more clear, than that your fat alderman is
most likely to have the most regular and well conditioned
mind. His head is like a huge, spherical chamber, con-
taining a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the ra-
tional soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a feather
bed ; and the eyes, which are the windows of the bed-
chamber, are usually half closed, that its slumberings may
not be disturbed by external objects. A mind thus com-
fortably lodged, and protected from disturbance, is mani-
festly most likely to perform its functions with regularity
and ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover, the mor-
tal and malignant soul, which is confined in the belly ; and
which, by its raging and roaring, puts the irritable soul in
the neighbourhood of the heart in an intolerable passion,
NEW-YORK, 103
and thus renders men crusty and quarrelsome when hungry
is completely pacified, silenced, an/l put to rest : where-
upon a host of honest good-fellow qualities, and kind-
hearted affections, which had lain perdue, slyly peeping
out of the loop-holes of the heart, finding this Cerberus
asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn out one and all in
their holyday suits, and gambol up and down the dia-
phragm disposing their possessor to laughter, good-
humour, and a thousand friendly offices towards his fellow
mortals.
As a board of magistrates, formed on this model, think
but very little, they are the less likely to differ and wrangle
about favourite opinions; and as they generally transact
business upon a hearty dinner, they are naturally disposed
to be lenient and indulgent in the administration of their
duties. Charlemagne was conscious of this, and therefore
(a pitiful measure, for which I can never forgive him)
ordered in his cartularies, that no judge should hold a
court of justice, except in the morning, on an empty sto-
mach. A rule which, I warrant, bore hard upon all the
poor culprits in his kingdom. The more enlightened and
humane generation of the present day, have taken an op-
posite course, and have so managed, that the aldermen
are the best fed men in the community; feasting lustily
on the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily oys-
ters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire the
activity of the one, and the form, the waddle, and the
green fat of the other. The consequence is, as I have
just said ; these luxurious feastings do produce such a dul-
cet equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and irra-
tional, that their transactions are proverbial for unvarying
monotony; and the profound laws, which they enact in their
dozing moments, amid the labours of digestion, are quietly
suffered to remain as dead letters, and never enforced, when
awake. In a word, your fair round-bellied burgomaster,
like a full fed mastiff dozes quietly at the house-door, al-
104 HISTORY OF
ways at home, and always at hand to watch over its safety :
but as to electing a lean, meddling candidate to the office,
as has now and then been done, I would as lief put a grey-
hound to watch the house, or a race-horse to drag an ox-
waggon.
The burgomasters then, as I have already mentioned,
were wisely chosen by weight, and the schepens, or assist-
ant aldermen, were appointed to attend upon them, and
help them to eat ; but the latter, in the course of time, when
they had been fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of body
and drowsiness of brain, became very eligible candidates
for the burgomasters' chair ; have fairly eaten themselves
into office, as a mouse eats his way into a comfortable
lodgement in a goodly blue-nosed, skimm'd milk, New~
England cheese.
Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that
took place between the renowned Wouter, and these his
worthy compeers, unless it be the sage divans of some of
our modern corporations. They would sit for hours smok-
ing and dozing over public affairs, without speaking a word
to interrupt that perfect stillness, so necessary to deep re-
flection. Under the sober sway of Wouter Van Twiller
and these his worthy coadjutors, the infant settlement
waxed vigorous apace, gradually emerging from the
swamps and forests, and exhibiting that mingled appear*-
ance of town and country, customary in new cities, and
which at this day may be witnessed in the city of Wash-
ington ; that immense metropolis, which makes so glori-
ous ail appearance on paper.
It was a pleasing sight in those times, to behold the
honest burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seated on the
bench at- the door of his white-washed house, under the
shade of some gigantic sycamore, or overhanging willow.
Here would he smoke his pipe of a sultry afternoon, en-
joying the soft southern breeze, and listening with silent
gratulation to the clucking of his hens, the cackling of his
NEW-YORK. 105
geese, and the sonorous grunting of his swine ; that com-
bination of farm-yard melody, which may truly be said to
have a silver sound, inasmuch as it conveys a certain as-
surance of profitable marketing.
The modern spectator, who wanders through the streets
of this populous city, can scarcely form an idea of the dif-
ferent appearance they presented in the primitive days of
the Doubter. The busy hum of multitudes, the shouts of
revelry, the rumbling equipages of fashion, the rattling of
accursed carts, and all the spirit-grieving sounds of brawl-
ing commerce, were unknown in the settlement of New-
Amsterdam. The grass grew quietly in the highways;
the bleating sheep and frolicksome calves sported about
the verdant ridge where now the Broadway loungers take
their morning stroll; the cunning fox or ravenous wolf
skulked in the woods where now are to be seen the dens
of Gomez and his righteous fraternity of money-brokers ;
and flocks of vociferous geese cackled about the fields
where now the great Tammany wigwam and the patriotic
tavern of Martling echo with the wranglings of the mob.
In these good times did a true and enviable equality of
rank and property prevail, equally removed from the ar-
rogance of wealth, and the servility and heart-burnings of
repining poverty ; and what in my mind is still more con-
ducive to tranquillity and harmony among friends, a happy
equality of intellect was likewise to be seen. The minds
of the good burghers of New Amsterdam seemed all to
have been cast in one mould, and to be those honest, blunt
sort of minds, which, like certain manufactures, are made
by the gross, and considered as exceedingly good for com-
mon use.
Thus it happens that your true dull minds are generally
preferred for public employ, and especially promoted to
city honours ; your keen intellects, like razors, being con-
sidered too sharp for common service. I know that it is
common to rail at the unequal .distribution .of riches .as the
o
106 HISTORY OF
great source of jealousies, broils, and heart-breakings ;
whereas for my part, 1 verily believe it is the sad inequa-
lity of intellect that prevails, that embroils communities
more than any thing else ; and I have remarked that your
knowing people, who are so much wiser than any body
else, are eternally keeping society in a ferment. Happily
for New- Amsterdam nothing of the kind was known within
its walls the very words of learning, education, taste, and
talents, were unheard of a bright genius was an animal
unknown, a blue-stocking lady would have been regarded
with as much wonder as a horned frog or a fiery dragon.
No man in fact seemed to know more than his neighbour,
nor any man to know much more than an honest man
ought to know, who has nobody's business to mind but his
own ; the parson and the council clerk were the only men
that could read in the community, and the sage Van Twil-
ler always signed his name with a cross.
Thrice happy and ever to be envied little Burgh ! exist-
ing in all the security of harmless insignificance unnoticed
and unenvied by the world, without ambition, without vain-
glory, without riches, without learning, and all their train of
carking cares ; and as of yore, in the better days of man,
the deities were wont to visit him on earth, and bless his
rural habitations ; so we are told, in the sylvan days of
New- Amsterdam, the good St. Nicholas would often make
his appearance, in his beloved city, of a holyday afternoon,
riding jollily among the tree-tops, or over the roofs of the
houses, now and then drawing forth magnificent presents
from his breeches pockets, and dropping them down the
chimneys of his favourites. Whereas in these degenerate
days of iron and brass he never shows us the light of his
countenance, nor ever visits us, save one night in the year;
when he rattles down the chimneys of the descendants of
the patriarchs, confining his presents merely to the chil-
dren, in token of the degeneracy of the parents.
Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of a fat
NEW-YORK. 107
government The province of the New Netherlands, des-
titute of wealth, possessed a sweet tranquillity, that wealth
could never purchase. It seemed indeed as if old Saturn
had again commenced his reign, and renewed the days of
primeval simplicity. For the golden age, says Ovid, was
totally destitute of gold, and for that very reason was called
the golden age ; that is, the happy and fortunate age
because the evils produced by the precious metals, such as
avarice, covetousness, theft, rapine, usury, banking, note-
shaving, lottery-insuring, and the whole catalogue of
crimes and grievances, were then unknown. In the iron
age there was abundance of gold ; on that very account it
was called the iron age, because of the hardships, the la-
bours, the dissensions, and the wars, occasioned by the
thirst of gold.
The genial days of Wouter Van Twiller, therefore,
may truly be termed the golden age of our city. There
were neither public commotions, nor private quarrels;
neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms; neither prosecu-
tions, nor trials, nor punishments ; nor were there coun-
sellors, attorneys, catchpoles, or hangmen. Every man
attended to what little business he was lucky enough to
have, or neglected it if he pleased, without asking the opi-
nion of his neighbour. In those days nobody meddled
with concerns above his comprehension, nor thrust his
nose into other people's affairs ; nor neglected to correct
his own conduct, and reform his own character, in his
zeal to pull-to pieces the characters of others; but in a
word, every respectable citizen eat when he was not
hungry, drank when he was not thirsty, and went regu-
larly to bed when the sun set and the fowls went to roost,
whether he were sleepy or not; all which tended so re-
markably to the population of the settlement, that I am
told every dutiful wife throughout New- Amsterdam, made
a point of always enriching her husband with at least one
child a year, and very often a brace : this superabundance
108 HISTORY OF
of good things clearly constituting the true luxury of life,
according to the favourite Dutch maxim, that " more than
enough constitutes a feast." Every thing therefore went
on exactly as it should do, and in the usual words em*-
ployed by historians to express the welfare of a country,
" the profoundest tranquillity and repose reigned through-
out the province."
CHAPTER IIL
the town of New -Amsterdam arose out of mud, and came to
be marvellously polished and polite-*-together with a picture of
our great great Grandfathers*
MANIFOLD are the tastes and dispositions of the
ened literati, who turn over the pages of history. Some
there be whose hearts are brimful of the yeast of courage,
and whose bosoms do work, and swell, and foam, with
untried valour, like a barrel of new cider, or a train*band
captain, fresh from under the hands of his tailor. This
doughty class of readers can be satisfied with nothing but
bloody battles, and horrible encounters; they must be
continually storming forts, sacking cities, springing mines*
marching up to the muzzles of cannon, charging bayonet
through every page, and revelling in gunpowder and car-
nage. Others, who are of a less martial, but equally ar-
dent imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to the
marvellous, will dwell with wondrous satisfaction on de-
scriptions of prodigies, unheard of events, hair-breadth
escapes, hardy adventures, and all those astonishing nar-
rations, that just amble along the boundary line of possi-
bility. A third class, who, not to speak slightly of them,
are of a lighter turn, and skim over the records of past
times, as they do over the edifying pages of a novel*
NEW. YORK. 109
merely for relaxation and innocent amusement ; do singu*
larly delight in treasons, executions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin
outrages, conflagrations, murders, and all the other cata-
logue of hideous crimes, that like Cayenne in cookery, do
give a pungency and flavour to the dull detail of history ;
while a fourth class, of more philosophic habits, do dili-
gently pore over the musty chronicles of time, to investi-
gate the operations of the human mind, and watch the
gradual changes in men and manners, effected by the
progress of knowledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the
influence of situation*
If the three first classes find but little wherewithal to
solace themselves in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van
Twiller, I entreat them to exert their patience for awhile,
and bear with the tedious picture of happiness, prosperity >
and peace, which my duty as a faithful historian obliges
me to draw; and I promise them, that as soon as I can
possibly light upon any thing horrible, uncommon, or im-
possible, it shall go hard, but I will make it afford them
entertainment. This being premised, I turn with great
complacency to the fourth class of my readers, who are
men, or, if possible, women after my own heart ; grave,
philosophical, and investigating ; fond of analyzing cha-
racters, of taking a start from first causes, and so hunting
a nation down, through all the mazes of innovation and
improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to witness
the first developement of the newly hatched colony, and
the primitive manners and customs, prevalent among its
inhabitants, during the halcyon reign of Van Twiller or
the Doubter.
I will not grieve their patience, however, by describing
minutely the increase and improvement of New- Amster-
dam. Their own imaginations will doubtless present to
them the good burghers, like so many pains-taking and
persevering beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their la-
bours ; they will behold the prosperous transformation
110 HISTORY OF
from the rude log hut to the stately Dutch mansion, with
brick front, glazed windows, and tiled roof; from the
tangled thicket to the luxuriant cabbage-garden ; and from
the skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster. In a
word, they will picture to themselves the steady, silent,
and undeviating march to prosperity, incident to a city
destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat govern-
ment, and whose citizens do nothing in a hurry.
The sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding
chapter, not being able to determine upon any plan for
the building of their city ; the cows, in a laudable fit of
patriotism, took it under their particular charge, and as
they went to and from pasture, established paths through
the bushes, on each side of which the good folks built
their houses ; which is one cause of the rambling and pic-
turesque turns and labyrinths, which distinguish certain
streets of New- York at this very day.
Some, it must be noted, who were strenuous partizans
of Mynheer Ten Breeches, (or Ten Broeck,) vexed that
his plan of digging canals was not adopted, made a com-
promise with their inclinations, by establishing themselves
on the margins of those creeks and inlets, which mean-
dered through various parts of the ground laid put for im-
provement. To these may be particularly ascribed the
first settlement of Broad-street ; which originally was built
along a creek, that ran up, to what at present is called
Wall-rstreet. The lower part soon became very busy and
populous; and a ferry-house * was in process of time
established at the head of it; being at that day called
" the head of inland navigation."
The disciples of Mynheer Tough Breeches, on the
* This house has been several times repaired, and at present is a
small yellow brick house, No. 23, Broad-street, with the gable-end to
the street > surmounted with an iron rod, on which, until within three
or four years, a little iron ferry-boat officiated as weather-cock*
NEW. YORK. Ill
other hand, no less enterprising, and more industrious
than their rivals, stationed themselves along the shore of
the river, and laboured, with unexampled perseverance,
in making little docks and dykes, from which originated
that multitude of mud traps with which this city is fringed.
To these docks would the old burghers repair, just at those
hours when the falling tide had left the beach uncovered,
that they might snuff up the fragrant effluvia of mud and
mire ; which they observed had a truly wholesome smell,
and reminded them of the canals of Holland. To the in-
defatigable labours, and praiseworthy example of this lat-
ter class of projectors, are we indebted for the acres of
artificial ground, on which several of our streets in the vi-
cinity of the rivers are built; and which, if we may credit
the assertions of several learned physicians of this city,
have been very efficacious in producing the yellow fever.
The houses of the higher class were generally construc-
ted of wood, excepting the gable-end, which was of small
black and yellow Dutch bricks, and always faced on the
street ; as our ancestors, like their descendants, were very
much given to outward show, and were noted for putting
the best leg foremost. The house was always furnished
with abundance of large doors and small windows on every
floor ; the date of its erection was curiously designated by
iron figures on the front; and on the top of the roof was
perched a fierce little weather-cock, to let the family into
the important secreit, which way the wind blew. These,
like the weather-cocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed
so many different ways, that every man could have a wind
to his mind; and you would have thought old ./Bolus had
set all his bags of wind adrift, pell-mell, to gambol about
this windy metropolis ; the most staunch and loyal citizens,
however, always went according to the weather-cock on
the top of the governor's house, which was certainly the
most correct, as he had a trusty servant employed every
HISTORY OF
morning to climb up and point it whichever way the wind
blew.
In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, a passion
for cleanliness was the leading principle in domestic eco-
nomy, and the universal test of an able housewife: a
character which formed the utmost ambition of our unen-
lightened grandmothers. The front door was never opened
except on marriages, funerals, new-year's-days, the festival
of St. Nicholas, or some such great occasion. It was
ornamented ttith a gorgeous brass knocker, curiously
wrought, sometimes into the device of a dog, and some-
times of a lion's head ; and was daily burnished with such
religious zeal, that it was oft times worn out by the very
precautions taken for its preservation. The whole house
was constantly in a state of inundation, under the discip-
line of mops and brooms, and scrubbing-brushes; and the
good housewives of those days were a kind of amphibious
animal, delighting exceedingly to be dabbling in water
insomuch, that an historian of the day gravely tells us, that
many of his townswomen grew to have webbed fingers
like unto a duck ; and some of them, he had little doubt,
could the matter be examined into, would be found to
have the tails of mermaids ; but this I look upon to be a
mere sport of fancy, or what is worse, a wilful misrepre-
sentation.
The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, where
the passion for cleaning was indulged without control. In
this sacred apartment no one was permitted to enter, ex-
cepting the mistress and her confidential maid, who visited
it once a week ; for the purpose of giving it a thorough
cleaning, and putting things to rights ; always taking the
precaution of leaving their shoes at the door, and entering
devoutly on their stocking feet. After scrubbing the floor,
sprinkling it with fine white sand, which was curiously
stroked into angles and curves, and rhomboids, with a
NE W.YORK. us
broom after washing the windows, rubbing and polish-
ing the furniture, and putting a new bunch of evergreens
in the fire-place ; the window-shutters were again closed
to keep out the flies, and the room carefully locked up
until the revolution of time brought round the weekly
cleaning day.
As to the family, they always entered in at the gate*
and most generally lived in the kitchen. To have seen q,
numerous household assembled around the fire, one would
have imagined that he was transported back to those hap<-
py days of primeval simplicity, which float before our ima-
ginations like golden visions. The fire-places were of a
truly patriarchal magnitude, where the whole family, old
and young, master and servant, black and white, nay, even
the very cat and dog enjoyed a community of privilege,
and had each a prescriptive right to a corner. Here the
old burgher would sit in perfect silence, puffing his pipe,
looking in the fire with half shut eyes, and thinking of no-
thing for hours together ; the goede vrouw on the oppo-
site side would employ herself diligently in spinning her
yarn, or knitting stockings. The young folks would crowd
around the hearth, listening with breathless attention to
some old crone of a negro, who was the oracle of the fa-
mily ; and who, perched like a raven in a corner of the
chimney, would croak forth for a long winter afternoon
a string of incredible stories about New-England witches;
grisly ghosts ; horses without heads ; and hairbreadth es-
capes, and bloody encounters among the Indians.
In those happy days a well regulated family always rose
with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed at sun
down. Dinner was invariably a private meal, and the fat
,old burghers showed incontestable symptoms pf disappro-
bation and uneasiness, at being surprised by a visit from
a neighbour on such occasions. But though our worthy
Ancestors were thus singularly averse to giving dimmers,
P
HISTORY OF
yet they kept up the social bands of intimacy by occasion-
al banquettings, called tea parties.
As this is the first introduction of those delectable or-
gies, which have since become so fashionable in this city,
I am conscious my fair readers will be very curious to re-
ceive information on the subject. Sorry am I, that there
will be but little in my description calculated to excite their
admiration. I can neither delight them with accounts of
suffocating crowds, no*- brilliant drawing-rooms, nor tower-
ing feathers, nor sparkling diamonds, nor immeasurable
trains. I can detail no choice anecdotes of scandal, for
in those primitive times the simple folk wtere either too stu-
pid, or too good natured to pull each other's characters to
pieces: nor can I furnish any whimsical anecdotes of brag;
how one lady cheated, or another bounced into a passion;
for as yet there was no junto of dulcet old dowagers, who
met to win each other's money, and lose their own tempers
at a card-table.
These fashionable parties were generally consigned to
the higher classes, or noblesse, that is to say, such as kept
their own cows, and drove their own waggons. The com-
pany commonly assembled at three o'clock, and went a-
way about six, unless it was in winter time, when the fa-
shionable hours were a little earlier, that the ladies might
get home before dark. I do not find that they ever treat-
ed their company to iced creams, jellies, or syllabubs : or
regaled them with musty almonds, mouldy raisins, or sour
oranges, as is often done in the present age of refinement.
Our ancestors were fottd of more sturdy, substantial fere.
The tea-table was crowned with a huge earthen dish, well
stored with slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into mor-
sels, and swimming in gravy. The company being seated
around the genial board, and each furnished with a fork,
evinced their dexterity in launching at the fattest pieces
in this mighty dish : in much the same manner as sailors
NEW- YORK. 115
harpoon porpoises at sea 3 or our Indians spear salmon in
the lakes. Sometimes the table was graced with immense
apple-pies, or saucers full of preserved peaches and pears;
but it was always sure to boast an enormous dish of balls
of sweetened dough, fried in hog's fat, and called dough
nuts, or oly koeks : a delicious kind of cake, at present
scarce known in this city, excepting in genuine Dutch fa-
milies.
The tea was served out of a majestic delf tearpot, orna-
mented with paintings of fat little Dutch shepherds and
shepherdesses, tending pigs with boats sailing in the air,
and houses built in the clouds, and sundry other ingeni-
ous Dutch fantasies, The beaux distinguished themselves
by their adroitness in replenishing this pot, from a huge
copper tea-kettle, which would have made the pigmy ma-
caronies of these degenerate days sweat, merely to look at
it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump of sugar was laid
beside each cup and the company alternately nibbled and
sipped with great decorum, until an improvement was in-
troduced by a shrewd and economic old lady, which was,
to suspend a large lump directly over the tea-table, by a
string from the ceiling, so that it could be swung from
mouth to mouth an ingenious expedient, which is still
kept up by some families in Albany ; but which prevails
without exception in Communipaw, Bergen, Flat-Bush,
and all our uncontaminated Dutch villages.
At these primitive tea-parties the utmost propriety and
dignity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor coquet-
tingno gambling of old ladies, nor hoyden chattering
and romping of young ones no self-satisfied struttings of
wealthy gentlemen, with their brains in their pockets; nor
amusing conceits, and monkey divertisements of smart
young gentlemen, with no brains at all. On the contrary,
the young ladies seated themselves demurely in their rush-
bottomed chairs, and knit their own woollen stockings;
nor ever opened their lips, excepting to say yah Mynheer,
116 HISTORY OF
or yah ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked thetn }
behaving, in all things, like decent, well-educated dam-
sels. As to the gentlemen, each of them tranquilly smoked
his pipe, and seemed lost in contemplation of the blue and
white tiles, with which the fire places were decorated $
wherein sundry passages of scripture were piously pour-
tray ed : Tobit and his dog figured to great advantage ;
Haman swung conspicuously on his gibbet; and Jonah
appeared :inost manfully bouncing out of the whale, like
Harlequin through a barrel of fire.
The parties broke up without noise and without confu-
sion. They were carried home by their own carriages,
that is to say, by the vehicles nature had provided them,
excepting such of the wealthy, as could afford to keep a
waggon. The gentlemen gallantly attended their fair ones
to their respective abodes, and took leave of them with a
hearty smack at the door : which, as it was an established
piece of etiquette, done in perfect simplicity and honesty
of heart, occasioned no scandal at that time, nor should it
at the present if our great grandfathers approved of the
custom, it would argue a great want of reverence in their
descendants to say a word against it*
CHAPTER IV.
Containing further particulars of the Golden Age, and what con*
stituted a Jlne Lady and Gentleman in the days of Walter the
Doubter.
IN this dulcet period of my history, when the beaute-
ous island of Manna-hata presented a scene, the very coun-
terpart of those glowing pictures drawn of the golden reign
of Saturn, there was, as I have before observed, a happy
ignorance, an honest simplicity prevalent among its inha*
NEW- YORK.
bitaiits, which, were I even able to depict, would be but
little understood by the degenerate age for which I am
doomed to write. Even the female sex, those arch inno-
vators upon the tranquillity, the honesty, and grey-beard
customs of society, seemed for a while to conduct them-
selves with incredible sobriety and comeliness, and indeed
behaved almost as if they had not been sent into the world
to bother mankind, baffle philosophy, and confound the
universe.
Their hair untortured by the abominations of art, was
scrupulously pomatumed back from their foreheads with
a candle, and covered with a little cap of quilted calico,
which fitted exactly to their heads. Their petticoats of
linsey woolsey w r ere striped with a variety of gorgeous dyes,
rivalling the many coloured robes of Iris though I must
confess these gallant garments were rather short, scarce
reaching below the knee; but then they made up in the
number, which generally equalled that of the gentlemen's
small-clothes ; and what is still more praise-worthy, they
were all of their own manufacture of which circumstance,
as may well be supposed, they were not a little vain.
These were the honest days, in which every woman
staid at home, read the Bible, and wore pockets aye, and
that too of a goodly size, fashioned with patch-work into
many curious devices, and ostentatiously worn on the out-
side. These, in fact, were convenient receptacles, where
all good housewives carefiilly stored away such things as
they wished to have at hand ; by which means they often
came to be incredibly crammed and I remember there
Was a story current when I was a boy, that the lady of
Wouter Van Twiller once had occasion to empty her right
pocket in search of a wooden ladle, and the utensil was
discovered lying among some rubbish in one corner ; but
we must not give too much faith to all these stories, the
anecdotes of these remote periods being very subject to
exaggeration.
118 HISTORY OF
Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore scis-
sors and pincushions suspended from their girdles by red
ribbands, or among the more opulent and showy classes,
by brass, and even silver chains indubitable tokens of
thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters I cannot say
much in vindication of the shortness of the petticoats ; it
doubtless was introduced for the purpose of giving the
stockings a chance to be seen, which were generally of
blue worsted with magnificent red clocks or perhaps to
display a well-turned ankle, and a neat though serviceable
foot, set off' by a high-heeled leathern shoe, with a large
and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find that the gentle
sex in all ages, have shown the same disposition to infringe
a little upon the laws of decorum, in order to betray a
lurking beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery.
From the sketch here given, it will be seen, that our
good grandmothers differed considerably in their ideas of
a fine figure, from their scantily dressed descendants of
the present day. A fine lady, in those times, waddled un-
der more clothes, even on a fair summer's day, than would
have clad the whole bevy of a modern ball room. Nor
were they the less admired by the gentlemen in conse-
quence thereof. On the contrary, the greatness of a lover's
passion seemed to increase in proportion to the magnitude
of its object and a voluminous damsel, arrayed in a dozen
of petticoats, was declared by a low Dutch sonnetteer of
the province, to be radiant as a sunflower, and luxuriant
as a full-blown cabbage. Certain it is, that in those days,
the heart of a lover could not contain more than one lady
at a time ; whereas the heart of a modern gallant has often
room enough to accommodate half a dozen ; the reason of
which 1 conclude to be, that either the hearts of the gen-
tlemen have grown larger, or the persons of the ladies
smaller; this however is a question for physiologists to
determine.
But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which
NEW. YORK. 119
no doubt entered into the consideration of the prudent
gallants. The wardrobe of a lady was in those days her
only fortune ; and she who had a good stock of petticoats
and stockings, was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kamts-
chatka damsel with a store of bear-skins, or a Lapland
belle with a plenty of rein-deer. The ladies, therefore,
were very anxious to display these powerful attractions to
the greatest advantage ; and the best rooms in the house,
instead of being adorned with caricatures of dame nature*
in water colours and needle-work, were always hung round
with abundance of homespun garments, the manufacture
and the property of the females a piece of laudable os-
tentation that still prevails among the heiresses of our
Dutch villages. Such were the beauteous belles of the
ancient city of New- Amsterdam, rivalling in primeval
simplicity of manners the renowned and courtly dames, so
loftily sung by Dan Homer who tells us that the prin-
cess Nausicaa washed the family linen, and the fair Pene-
lope wove her own petticoats.
The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the circles of
the gay world in these ancient times, corresponded, in
most particulars, with the beauteous damsels whose smiles
they were ambitious to deserve. True it is, their merits
would make but a very inconsiderable impression upon the
heart of a modern fair ; they neither drove their curricles
nor sported their tandems, for as yet those gaudy vehicles
were not even dreamt of; neither did they distinguish
themselves by their brilliancy at the table, and their con*-
sequent rencontres with watchmen; for our forefathers
were of too pacific a disposition to need those guardians of
the night, every soul throughout the town being in full
snore before nine o'clock. Neither did they establish their
claims to gentility at the expense of their tailors, for as yet
those offenders against the pockets of society, and the tran-
quillity of all aspiring young gentlemen, were unknown in
New- Amsterdam ; every good housewife made the clothes
120 HISTORY OF
of her husband and family, and even the goede vrouw of
Van Twiller himself, thought it no disparagement to cut
out her husband's linsey woolsey galligaskins.
Not but what there were some two or three youngsters
who manifested the first dawnings of what is called fire
and spirit. Who held all labour in contempt; skulked
about docks and market-places ; loitered in the sunshine ;
squandered what little money they could procure, at hustle*-
cap and chuck-farthing ; swore, boxed, fought cocks, and
raced their neighbours' horses in short, who promised to
be the wonder, the talk, and abomination of the town, had
not their stylish career been unfortunately cut short, by an
affair of honour with a whipping-post.
Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentleman
of those days his dress, which served for both morning
and evening, street and drawing room, was a linsey wool*
sey coat, made, perhaps, by the fair hands of the mistress
of his affections, and gallantly bedecked with abundance
of large brass buttons. Half a score of breeches height-
ened the proportions of his figure his shoes were deco-
rated by enormous copper buckles a low crowned broad
brimmed hat overshadowed his burley visage, and his hair
dangled down his back in a prodigious queue of eel skin.
Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with pipe
in mouth to besiege some fair damsel's obdurate heart
not such a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis did sweetly
tune in praise of his Galatea, but one of true delft manu-
facture, and furnished with a charge of fragrant Cow-pen
tobacco. With this would he resolutely set himself down
before the fortress, and rarely failed, in the process of time,
to smoke the fair enemy into a surrender, upon honour*-
able terms.
Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, ce-
lebrated in many a long-forgotten song as the real golden
age, the rest being nothing but counterfeit copper-washed
xx>in. In that delightful period, a sweet and holy calm
NEW-YORK. 1^21
reigned over the whole province. The burgomaster
smoked his pipe in peace the substantial solace of his
domestic cares, after her daily toils were done, sat soberly
at the door, with her arms crossed over her apron of snowy
white, without being insulted by ribald street-walkers or
vagabond boys those unlucky urchins who do so infest
our streets, displaying under the roses of youth, the thorns
and briers of iniquity. Then it was that the lover with ten
breeches, and the damsel with petticoats of half a score,
indulged in all the innocent endearments of virtuous love,
without fear and without reproach, for what had that vir-
tue to fear, which was defended by a shield of good linsey
woolseys, equal at least to the seven bull-hides of the in*
vincible Ajax ?
Ah blissful, and never to be forgotten age ! when every
thing was better than it has ever been since, or ever will be
again when Buttermilk channel was quite dry at low water
when the shad in the Hudson were all salmon: and when
the moon shone with a pure and resplendent whiteness,
instead of that melancholy yellow light, which is the con-
sequence of her sickening at the abominations she every
night witnesses in this degenerate city 1
Happy would it have been for New- Amsterdam could
it always have existed in this state of blissful ignorance and
lowly simplicity; but, alas ! the days of childhood are too
sweet to last ! Cities, like men, grow out of them in time,
and are doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the cares,
and miseries of the world. Let no man congratulate him-
self, when he beholds the child of his bosom, or the city of
his birth, increasing in magnitude and importance let the
history of his own life teach him the dangers of the one,
and this history of Manna-hata convince him of the cala?
jnities of the other.
122 HISTORY OF
CHAPTER V.
|
In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable walk, which ends
very differently from what it commenced.
IN the year of our Lord, one thousand eight hundred
and four, on a fine afternoon, in the glowing month of
September, I took my customary walk upon the battery,
which is at once the pride and bulwark of this ancient and
impregnable city of New- York. I remember well the sea-
son, for it immediately preceded that remarkably cold
winter, in which our sagacious corporation, in a freak of
economical philanthropy, pulled to pieces, at an expense
of several hundred dollars, the wooden ramparts, which
had cost them several thousand ; and distributed the rotten
fragments, which were worth considerably less than nothing,
among the shivering poor of the city. Never, since the fall
of the walls of Jericho, or the heaven-built battlements of
Troy, had there been known such a demolition nor did it
go unpunished ; multitudes were blinded, in vain attempts
to smoke themselves warm, with this charitable substitute
for fire-wood ; and an epidemic complaint of sore eyes was
moreover produced, which has since recurred every win-
ter, particularly among those who undertake to burn rot-
ten logs who warm themselves with the charity of others
or who use patent chimneys.
On the year and month just designated, did I take my
accustomed walk of meditation, on that same battery,
which, though at present no battery, furnishes the most
delightful walk, and commands the noblest prospect in
the whole known world. The ground on which I trod
was hallowed by recollections of the past, and as I slowly
wandered through the long alley of poplars, which, like so
many birch brooms standing on end, diffused a melancholy
NEW-YORK. 123
and lugubrious shade, my imagination drew a contrast
between the surrounding scenery, and what it was in the
classic Says of our forefathers. Where the government
house by name, but the custom-house by occupation,
proudly reared its brick walls and wooden pillars, there
whilome stood the low but substantial red-tiled mansion
of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. Around it the
mighty bulwarks of fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to
every absent foe ; but, like many a whiskered warrior and
gallant militia captain, confined their martial deeds to
frowns alone ; alas ! those threatening bulwarks had long
since been sapped by time, and like the walls of Carthage,
presented no traces to the inquiring eye of the antiquarian.
The mud breast-works had long been levelled with the
earth, and their site converted into the green lawns and
leafy alleys of the battery ; where the gay apprentice sport-
ed his Sunday coat, and the laborious mechanic, relieved
from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured his weekly
tale of love into the half-averted ear of the sentimental
chambermaid. The capacious bay still presented the same
expansive sheet of water, studded with islands, sprinkled
with fishing boats, and bounded by shores of picturesque
beauty. But the dark forests which once clothed these
shores had been violated by the savage hand of cultivation,
and their tangled mazes, and impenetrable thickets, had
degenerated into teeming orchards and waving fields of
grain. Even Governor's Island, once a smiling garden,
appertaining to the sovereigns of the province, was now
covered with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous block-
house so that this once peaceful island resembled a fierce
little warrior in a big cocked hat, breathing gunpowder
and defiance to the world !
For some time did I indulge in this pensive train of
thought ; contrasting in sober sadness, the present day
with the hallowed years behind the mountains ; lamenting
the melancholy progress of improvement, and praising the
124 HISTORY OF
zeal, with which our worthy burghers endeavour to pre-*
serve the wrecks of venerable customs, prejudices, and
errors, from the overwhelming tide of modern innovation <
when by degrees my ideas took a different turn, and I in-
sensibly awaked to an enjoyment of the beauties around me.
It was one of those rich autumnal days which heaven
particularly bestows upon the beauteous island of Manna-
hata and its vicinity not a floating cloud obscured the
azure firmament the sun, rolling in glorious splendour
through his ethereal course, seemed to expand his honest
Dutch countenance into an unusual expression of bene-
volence, as he smiled his evening salutation upon a city,
which he Helights to visit with his most bounteous beams :
the very winds seemed to hold in their breaths in mute at-
tention, lest they should ruffle the tranquillity of the hour
and the waveless bosom of the bay presented a polished
mirror, in which Nature beheld herself and smiled. The
standard of our city, which, like a choice handkerchief, is
reserved for days of gala, hung motionless on the flag-staff,
which forms the handle to a gigantic churn ; and even the
tremulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen, which, like
the tongues of the immortal sex, are seldom still, now
ceased to vibrate to the breath of heaven. Every thing
seemed to acquiesce in the profound repose of nature.
The formidable eighteen pounders slept in the embrazures
of the wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh strength
to fight the battles of their country on the next 4th of July
the solitary drum on Governor's Island forgot to call
the garrison to their shovels the evening gun had not yet
sounded its signal, for all the regular, well meaning poul-
try throughout the country, to go to roost ; and the fleet
of canoes, at anchor between Gibbet-Island arid Commu-
nipaw, slumbered on their rakes, and suffered the innocent
oysters to lie for a while unmolested, in the soft mud of
their native banks ! My own feelings sympathized with
the contagious tranquillity, and I should infallibly have
NEW-YORK.
dozed upon one of those fragments of benches, which our
benevolent magistrates have provided for the benefit of
convalescent loungers, had not the extraordinary inconve-
nience of the couch set all repose at defiance.
In the midst of this soothing slumber of the soul, my
attention was attracted to a black speck, peering above the
western horizon, just in the rear of Bergen steeple gra-
dually it augments and overhangs the would-be cities of
Jersey, Harsimus, and Hoboken, which, like three jock-
eys, are starting on the course of existence, and jostling
each other at the commencement of the race. Now it
skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia, spreading its
wide shadows from the high settlements of Weehawk quite
to the lazaretto and quarantine, erected by the sagacity of
our police, for the embarrassment of commercement now
it climbs the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling over
cloud, like successive billows, shrouding the orb of day,
darkening the vast expanse, and bearing thunder and hail,
and tempest in its bosom. The earth seems agitated at
the confusion of the heavens the late waveless mirror is
lashed into furious waves, that roll their broken surges in
hollow murmurs to the shore the oyster-boats, that erst
sported in the placid vicinity of Gibbet-Island, now hurry
affrighted to the shore the late dignified, unbending pop-
lar, writhes and twists before the merciless blast descend-
ing torrents of drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the
battery-walk, the gates are thronged by 'prentices, servant
maids, and little Frenchmen, with their pocket handker-
chiefs over their hats, scampering from the storm the
late beauteous prospect presents one scene of anarchy and
wild uproar, as though old Chaos had resumed his reign,
and was hurling back, into one vast turmoil, the conflict-
ing elements of nature. Fancy to yourself, oh reader ! the
awful combat sung by old Hesiod, of Jupiter 'and the Ti-
tans fancy to yourself the long rebellowing artillery of
heaven, streaming at the heads of the gigantic sons of
126 HISTORY OF
earth. In short, fancy to yourself all that has ever been
said or sung, of tempest, storm, and hurricane, and you
will save me the trouble of describing it.
Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained
boldly at my post, as our gallant train band captains, who
march their soldiers through the rain without flinching
are points which I leave to the conjecture of the reader.
It is possible he may be a little perplexed also to know the
reason why I introduced this most tremendous and unheard
of tempest, to disturb the serenity of my work. On this
latter point I will gratuitously instruct his ignorance. The
panorama view of the battery was given, merely to gratify
the reader with a correct description of that celebrated
place, and the parts adjacent: secondly, the storm was
played off, partly to give a little bustle and life to this
tranquil part of my work, and to keep my drowsy readers
from falling asleep ; and partly to serve as a preparation,
or rather an overture, to the tempestuous times, that are
about to assail the pacific province of Nieuw Nederlandts,
and that overhang the slumbrous administration of the
renowned Wouter Van Twiller. It is thus the experienced
play-wright puts all the fiddles, the French horns, the
kettle-drums and trumpets of his orchestra in requisition,
to usher in one of those horrible and brimstone uproars,
called melo-drames : and it is thus he discharges his thun-
der, his lightning, his rosin and saltpetre, preparatory to
the raising of a ghost, or the murdering of a hero. We
will now proceed with our history.
Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to the
contrary, I am of opinion, that, as to nations, the old max-
im, that " honesty is the best policy," is a sheer and ruin-
ous mistake. It might have answered well enough in the
honest times when it was made ; but in these degenerate
days, if a nation pretends to rely merely upon the justice
of its dealings, it will fare something like an honest man
among thieves, who, unless he have something more than
NEW-YORK. 127
his honesty to depend upon, stands but a poor chance of
profiting by his company. Such at least was the case with
the guileless government of the New Netherlands ; which,
like a worthy unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled it-
self down into the city of New- Amsterdam, as into a snug
elbow chair, and fell into a comfortable nap ; while in the
meantime its cunning neighbours stepped in and picked its
pockets. Thus may we ascribe the commencement of all
the woes of this great province, and its magnificent metro-
polis, to the tranquil security, or to speak more accurate-
ly, to the unfortunate honesty of its government. But
as I dislike to begin an important part of my history to-
wards the end of a chapter ; and as my readers, like my-
self, must doubtless be exceedingly fatigued with the long
walk we have taken, and the tempest we have sustained,
I hold it meet we shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and
having thus refreshed our spirits, take a fair start in the
next chapter.
CHAPTER VI.
Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Connecticut and
thereabouts Showing, moreover, the true meaning of liberty of
conscience, and a curious device among these sturdy barbarians,
to keep up a harmony of intercourse, and promote population.
THAT my readers may the more fully comprehend the
extent of the calamity, at this very moment impending
over the honest, unsuspecting province of Nieuw Neder-
landts, and its dubious governor, it is necessary that I
should give some account of a horde of strange barbarians,
bordering upon the eastern frontier.
Now so it came to pass, that many years previous to the
time of which we are treating, the sage cabinet of England
128 HISTORY OF
had adopted a certain national creed, a kind of public
walk of faith, or rather a religious turnpike, in which every
loyal subject was directed to travel to Zion taking care
to pay the toll-gatherers by the way.
Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very much
given to indulge their own opinions, on all manner of sub-
jects, (a propensity exceedingly obnoxious to your free go-
vernments of Europe,) did most presumptuously dare to
think for themselves in matters of religion, exercising what
they considered a natural and unextinguishable right the
liberty of conscience.
As, however, they possessed that ingenuous habit of
mind which always thinks aloud ; which in a manner rides
cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is for ever galloping into
other people's ears ; it naturally followed that their liber-
ty of conscience likewise implied liberty of speech^ which
being freely indulged, soon put the country in a hubbub,
and aroused the pious indignation of the vigilant fathers
of the church.
The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, that
in those days were considered so efficacious in bringing
back stray sheep to the fold; that is to say, they were
coaxed, they were admonished, they were menaced, they
were buffeted line upon line, precept upon precept, lash
upon lash, here a little and there a great deal, were ex-
hausted without mercy, and without success ; until at
length the worthy pastors of the church, wearied out by
their unparalleled stubbornness, were driven in the excess
of their tender mercy, to adopt the scripture text, and li-
terally " heaped live embers on their heads."
Nothing, however, could subdue that invincible spirit of
independence which has ever distinguished this singular
race of people ; so that rather than submit to such horri^
ble tyranny, they one and all embarked for the wilderness
of America, where they might enjoy unmolested, the ines-
timable luxury of talking. No sooner did they land on
NEW-YORK. 129
this loquacious soil, than as if they had caught the disease
from the climate, they all lifted up their voices at once,
and for the space of one whole year did keep up such a
joyful clamour, that we are told they frightened every bird
and beast out of the neighbourhood, and so completely
dumb-founded certain fish, which abound on their coast,
that they have been called dumb-Jish ever since.
From this simple circumstance, unimportant as it may
seem, did first originate that renowned privilege so loudly
boasted of throughout this country which is so eloquent-
ly exercised in newspapers, pamphlets, ward-meetings, pot-
house committees, and congressional deliberations which
establishes the right of talking without ideas and without
information of misrepresenting public affairs of decry-
ing public measures of aspersing great characters, and
destroying little ones ; in short, that grand palladium of
our country, the liberty of speech.
The simple aborigines of the land for a while contem-
plated these strange folk in utter astonishment ; but disco~
vering that they wielded harmless though noisy weapons,
and were a lively, ingenious, good-humoured race of men,
they became very friendly and sociable, and gave them the
name of FanoHes, which in the Mais-Tchusaeg 5 (or Mas-
sachusett) language signifies silent men & waggish appel-
lation, since shortened into the familiar epithet of YAN-
KEES, which they retain unto the present day.
True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will not allow
me to pass it over in silence, that the zeal of these good
people, to maintain their rights and privileges unimpaired,
did for a while betray them into errors, which it is easier
to pardon than defend. Having served a regular appren-
ticeship in the school of persecution, it behoved them to
show that they had become proficients in the art. They
accordingly employed their leisure hours in banishing,
scourging, or hanging divers heretical papists, quakers ?
R
ISO HISTORY OF
and anabaptists, for daring to abuse the liberty of con-
science ; which they now clearly proved to imply nothing
more, than that every man should think as he pleased in
matters of religion provided he thought right ; for other-
wise it would be giving a latitude to damnable heresies.
Now as they (the majority) were perfectly convinced, that
they alone thought right, it consequently followed, that
whoever thought different from them thought wrong ; and
whoever thought wrong, and obstinately persisted in not
being convinced and converted, was a flagrant violator of
the inestimable liberty of conscience, and a corrupt and
infectious member of the body politic, and deserved to be
lopped off and cast into the fire.
Now I'll warrant there are hosts of my readers ready at
once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that virtuous in-
dignation with which we always contemplate the faults and
errors of our neighbours, and to exclaim at these well-
meaning but mistaken people, for inflicting on others the
injuries they had suffered themselves for indulging the
preposterous idea of convincing the mind by tormenting
the body, and establishing the doctrine of charity and for-
bearance by intolerant persecution. But, in simple truth,
what are we doing at this very day, and in this very en-
lightened nation, but acting upon this very same principle,
in our political controversies ? Have we not within but a
few years released ourselves from the shackles of a govern-
ment, which cruelly denied us the privilege of governing
ourselves, and using in full latitude that invaluable mem-
ber, the tongue ? And are we not at this very moment
striving our best to tyrannize over the opinions, tie up the
tongues, or ruin the fortunes of one another ? What are
our great political societies, but mere political inquisitions?
Our pot-house committees, but little tribunals of denun-
ciation ? Our newspapers, but mere whipping-posts and
pillories, where the unfortunate individuals are pelted with
NEW-YORK. 131
rotten eggs ? And our council of appointment, but a grand
auto dafe, where culprits are annually sacrificed for their
political heresies ?
Where then is the difference in principle between our
measures and those you are so ready to condemn among
the people I am treating ? There is none ; the difference
is merely circumstantial. Thus we denounce, instead of
banishing we libel, instead of scourging we turn out of
office, instead of hanging; and where they burnt an offen-
der in proprid persona, we either tar and feather or burn
him in effigy this political persecution being, some how
or other, the grand palladium of our liberties, and an in-
trovertible proof that this is a free country !
But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this
holy war was prosecuted against the whole race of unbe-
lievers, we do not find that the population of this new co-
lony was in any ways hindered thereby ; on the contrary,
they multiplied to a degree which would be incredible
to any man unacquainted with the marvellous fecundity of
this growing country.
This amazing increase may indeed be partly ascribed to
a singular custom prevalent among them, and which was
probably borrowed from the ancient republic of Sparta ;*
where we are told the young ladies, either from being
great romps and hoydens, or else, like many modern he-
roines, very fond of meddling with matters that did not
appertain to their sex, used frequently to engage with the
men, in wrestling, and other athletic exercises of the gym-
nasium. The custom to which I allude was vulgarly known
by the name of bundling a superstitious rite observed by
the young people of both sexes, with which they usually
terminated their festivities ; and which was kept up with
religious strictness, by the more bigotted and vulgar part
of the community. This ceremony was likewise, in those
primitive times, considered as an indispensable prelimi-
nary to matrimony; their courtships commencing where
132 HISTORY OF
ours usually finish. By which means they acquired thai
intimate acquaintance with each other's good qualities be-
fore marriage, which has been pronounced by philosophers
the sure basis of a happy union* Thus early did this
cunning and ingenious people display a shrewdness at
making a bargain, which has ever since distinguished them
^ and a strict adherence to the good old vulgar maxim
about " buying a pig in a poke."
To this sagacious custom, therefore, do 1 chiefly attri-
bute the unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or Yankee
tribe ; for it is a certain fact, well authenticated by court
records and parish registers, that wherever the practice of
bundling prevailed, there was an amazing number of stur-
dy brats annually born unto the state, without the license
of the law, or the benefit of clergy ; and it is truly asto-
nishing that the learned Malthus, in his treatise on popu-
lation, has entirely overlooked this singular fact. Neither
did the irregularity of their birth operate in the least to
their disparagement. On the contrary, they grow up a
long sided, raw boned, hardy race of whoreson whalers,
wood-cutters, fishermen, and pedlars, and strapping corn-
fed wenches ; who, by their united efforts, tended marvel-
lously towards populating those notable tracts of country,
called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod.
CHAPTER VII.
How these simple Barbarians turned out to be notorious squaiterg.
How they built air-castles, and attempted to initiate the
Nederlanders in the mystery of bundling.
IN the last chapter I have given a faithful and unpreju-
diced account of the origin of that singular race of people,
inhabiting the country eastward of the Nieuw Nederlandts;
NEW- YORK. 133
but I have yet to mention certain peculiar habits which
rendered them exceedingly obnoxious to our ever honoured
Dutch ancestors.
The most prominent of these was a certain rambling
propensity, with which, like the sons of Ishmael, they
seem to have been gifted by heaven, and which continually
goads them on, to shift their residence from place to place,
so that a Yankee farmer is iii a constant state of migra-
tion ; tarrying occasionally here and there ; clearing lands
for other people to enjoy 5 building houses for others to
inhabit, and in a manner may be considered the wander-
ing Arab of America.
His first thought, on coming to the years of manhood,
is to settle himself in the world which means nothing more
nor less than to begin his rambles. To this end he takes
unto himself for a wife some dashing country heiress;
that is to say, a buxom rosy-cheeked wench, passing rich
in red ribands, glass beads, and mock tortoise-shell combs,
with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday; and
deeply skilled in the mystery of making apple sweetmeats,
long sauce, and pumpkin pie*
Having thus provided himself, like a true pedlar with a
heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders through
the journey of life, he literally sets out on the peregrina-
tion. His whole family, household furniture, and farming
utensils, are hoisted into a covered cart ; his own and his
wife's wardrobe packed up in a firkin : which done, he
shoulders his axe, takes staff' in hand, whistles " yankee
doodle," and trudges off to the woods, as confident of the
protection of providence, and relying as cheerfully upon
his own resources, as did ever a patriarch of yore, when
he journeyed into a strange country of the Gentiles. Hav-
ing buried himself in the wilderness, he builds himself a
log-hut, clears away a corn-field and potato patch, and,
Providence smiling upon his labours, is soon surrounded
134 HISTORY OF
by a snug farm and some half a score of flaxen-headed
urchins, who, by their size, seem to have sprung all at once
out of the earth, like a crop of toad-stools*
But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of spe-
culators to rest contented with any state of sublunary en-
joyment improvement is his darling passion, and having
thus improved his lands, his next care is to provide a man-
sion worthy the residence of a landholder. A huge palace
of pine boards immediately springs up in the midst of the
wilderness, large enough for a parish church, and furnished
with windows of all dimensions, but so ricketty and flimsy
withal, that every blast gives it a fit of the ague.
By the time the outside of this mighty air-castle is com-
pleted, either the funds or the zeal of our adventurer are
exhausted, so that he barely manages to half finish one
room within, where the whole family burrow together;
while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing of
pumpkins, or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is deco-
rated with fanciful festoons of wilted peaches and dried
apples. The outside remaining unpainted, grows vene-
rably black with time ; the family wardrobe is laid under
contribution for old hats, petticoats, and breeches, to stuff
into the broken windows ; while the four winds of heaven
keep up a whistling and howling about this aerial palace,
and play as many unruly gambols, as they did of yore, in
the cave of old JEolus.
The humble log-hut, which whilome nestled this improv-
ing family snugly within its narrow but comfortable walls,
stands hard by in ignominious contrast, degraded into a
cow-house or pig-stye ; and the whole scene reminds one
forcibly of a fable, which I am surprised has never been
recorded, of an aspiring snail, who quits his humble habi-
tation, which he filled with great respectability, to crawl
into the empty shell of a lobster where he would no doubt
have resided with great style and splendour, the envy and
NEW-YORK. 135
hate of all the pains-taking snails of his neighbourhood,
had he not accidentally perished with cold in one corner
of his stupendous mansion.
Being thus completely settled, and to use his own words,
" to rights," one would imagine that he would begin to
enjoy the comforts of his situation, to read newspapers,
talk politics, neglect his own business, and attend to the
affairs of the nation, like a useful and patriotic citizen ;
but now it is that his wayward disposition begins again to
operate. He soon grows tired of a spot where there is no
longer any room for improvement, sells his farm, air-castle,
petticoat windows and all, reloads his cart, shoulders his
axe, puts himself at the head of his family, and wanders
away in search of new lands again to fell trees again to
clear cornfields again to build a shingle palace, and again
to sell off, and wander.
Such were the people of Connecticut, who bordered
upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw Nederlandts, and my
readers may easily imagine what obnoxious neighbours this
light hearted but restless tribe must have been to our tran-
quil progenitors. If they cannot, I would ask them, if they
have ever known one of our regular, well organized Dutch
families, whom it hath pleased heaven to afflict with the
neighbourhood of a French boarding-house. The honest
old burgher cannot take his afternoon's pipe, on the bench
before his door, but he is persecuted with the scraping of
fiddles, the chattering of women, and the squalling of chil-
drenhe cannot sleep at night for the horrible melodies of
some amateur, who chooses to serenade the moon, and
display his terrible proficiency in execution, by playing de-
misemiquavers in alt on the clarionet, the hautboy, or some
other soft-toned instrument nor can he leave the street-
door open, but his house is defiled by the unsavoury visits
of a troop of pug-dogs, who even sometimes carry their
loathsome ravages into the sanctum sanctorum, the parlour.
If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of such
136 HISTORY OF
a family, so situated, they may form some idea how our
worthy ancestors were distressed by their mercurial neigh*
hours of Connecticut.
Gangs of these marauders, we are told, penetrated into
the New Netherland settlements, and threw whole villages
into consternation by their unparalleled volubility, and
their intolerable inquisitiveness two evil habits hitherto
unknown in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ;
for our ancestors were noted, as being men of truly Spar-
tan taciturnity, and who neither knew nor cared aught
about any body's concerns but their own. Many enormi-
ties were committed on the highways, where several un-
offending burghers were brought to a stand, and tortured
with questions and guesses ; which outrages occasioned as
much vexation and heart-burning as does the modern
right of search on the high seas.
Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, by their inter-*
meddling and successes among the divine sex ; for being
a race of brisk, lively, pleasant-tongued varlets, they soon
seduced the light affections of the simple damsels from
their ponderous Dutch gallants, Among other hideous
customs, they attempted to introduce among them that of
bundling, which the Dutch lasses of the Nederlandts, with
that eager passion for novelty and foreign fashions natu-
ral to their sex, seemed very well inclined to follow ; but
that their mothers, being more experienced in the world,
and better acquainted with men and things, strenuously
discountenanced all such outlandish innovations.
But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors with
these strange folk, was an unwarrantable liberty which
they occasionally took, of entering in hordes into the ter-
ritories of the New Netherlands, and settling themselves
down, without leave or license, to improve the land, in the
manner I have before noticed. This unceremonious mode
of taking possession of new land was technically termed
squatting, and hence is derived the appellation of squatters , f
NEW-YORK. 137
a name odious in the ears of all great landholders, and
which is given to those enterprising worthies, who seize
upon land first, and take their chance to make good their
title to it afterwards.
All these grievances, and many others which were con*
stantly accumulating, tended to form that dark and por-
tentous cloud, which, as I observed in a former chapter,
was slowly gathering over the tranquil province of New
Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of Van Twiller, how*
ever, as will be perceived in the sequel, bore them all with
a magnanimity that redounds to their immortal credit
becoming by passive endurance inured to this increasing
mass of wrongs ; like the sage old woman of Ephesus, who
by dint of carrying about a calf from the time it was born,
continued to carry it without difficulty when it had grown
to be an ox,
CHAPTER VIII.
How the Fort Goed Hoop w as fearfully beleagured how the
renowned W outer fell into a profound doubt, .and how he
finally evaporated..
BY this time my readers must fully perceive what an ar-
duous task I have undertaken collecting and collating
with painful minuteness the chronicles of past times, whose
events almost defy the powers of research exploring a
little kind of Herculaneum of history, which had lain near-
ly for ages, buried under the rubbish of years, and almost
totally forgotten raking up the limbs and fragments of
disjointed facts; and endeavouring to put them scrupu-
lously together, so as to restore them to their original form
and connexion now lugging forth the character of an al-
raost forgotten hero, like a mutilated statue now decy-,
JS
138 HISTORY OF
phering a half defaced inscription ; and now lighting upon
a mouldering manuscript, which, after painful study, scarce
repays the trouble of perusal.
In such case how much has the reader to depend upon
the honour and probity of his author, lest, like a cunning
antiquarian, he either impose upon him some spurious fa-
brication of his own, for a precious relique from antiquity,
or else dress up the dismembered fragment, with such false
trappings, that it is scarcely possible to distinguish the truth
from the fiction with which it is enveloped. This is a
grievance which I have more than once had to lament, in
the course of my wearisome researches among the works
of my fellow historians ; who have strangely disguised and
distorted the facts respecting this country ; and particular-
ly respecting the great province of New Netherlands ; as
will be perceived by any who will take the trouble to com-
pare their romantic effusions, tricked out in the meretri-
cious gauds of fable, with this authentic history.
I have had more vexations of the kind to encounter, in
those parts of my history which treat of the transactions
on the eastern border, than in any other, in consequence
of the troops of historians who have infested those quar-
ters, and have shown the honest people of Nieuw Neder-
landts no mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr.
Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly declares, that " the Dutch
were always mere intruders." Now to this I shall make
no other reply, than to proceed in the steady narration of
niy history, which will contain not only proofs that the
Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair valleys of
the Connecticut, and that they were wrongfully dispos-
sessed thereof; but likewise that they have been scanda-
lously maltreated ever since, by the misrepresentations of
the crafty historians of New England. And in this I shall
be guided by a spirit of truth and impartiality, and a re-
gard to immortal fame; for I would not wittingly disho-
nour my work by a single falsehood, misrepresentation or
NEW- YORK. 139
prejudice, though it should gain our forefathers the whole
country of New England.
It was at an early period of the province, and previous
to the arrival of the renowned Wouter, that the cabinet
of Nieuw Nederlandts purchased the lands about the Con-
necticut, and established, for their superintendence and
protection, a fortified post on the banks of the river, which
was called Fort Goed Hoop, and was situated hard by the
present fair city of Hartford. The command of this im-
portant post, together with the rank, title, and appoint-
ments of commissary, were given in charge to the gallant
Jacobus Van Curlet, or, as some historians will have it,
Van Curlis ; a most doughty soldier, of that stomachful
class, of which we have such numbers on parade days;
who are famous for eating all they kill. He was of a very
soldierlike appearance, and would have been an exceeding
tall man, had his legs been in proportion to his body ; but
the latter being long, and the former uncommonly short,
it gave him the uncouth appearance of a tall man's body,
mounted upon a little man's legs. He made up for this
turnspit construction of body by throwing his legs to such
an extent when he marched, that you would have sworn
he had on the identical seven-league boots of the farfamed
Jack the giant-killer; and so astonishingly high did he
tread on any great military occasion, that his soldiers
were oft times alarmed, lest he should trample himself un-
der foot.
But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, and the
appointment of this ugly little man of war as a commander,
the intrepid Yankees continued those daring interlopings
which I have hinted at in my last chapter ; and, taking
advantage of the character which the cabinet of Wouter
Van Twiller soon acquired, for profound and phlegmatic
tranquillity did audaciously invade the territories of the
Nieuw Nederlandts, and squat themselves down within the
very jurisdiction of Fort Goed Hoop.
140 HISTORY OF
On beholding this outrage, the long bodied Van Curlet
proceeded as became a prompt and valiant officer. He
immediately protested against these unwarrantable en-
croachmeiits, in low Dutch, by way of inspiring more ter^
ror, and forthwith despatched a copy of the protest to the
governor at New- Amsterdam, together with a long and
bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This done*
he ordered his men, one and all, to be of good cheer--
shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipes 2 went to bed*
and awaited the result with a resolute and intrepid tran-
quillity, that greatly animated his adherents, and no doubt
struck sore dismay and affright into the hearts of the ene-
my.
Now it came to pass^ that about this time, the renowned
Wouter Van Twiller* full of years and honours, and coun-
cil dinners, had reached that period of life and faculty^
which, according to the great Gulliver, entitles a man to
admission into the ancient order of Struldbruggs* He
employed his time in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an
assemblage of sages, equally enlightened, and nearly as
venerable as himself, and who, for their silence, their gra-
vity, their wisdom, and their cautious averseness to com*
ing to any conclusion in business, are only to be equalled
by certain profound corporations which I have known in
my time. Upon reading the protest of the gallant Jaco*
bus Van Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell straightway
into one of the deepest doubts that ever he was known to
encounter; his capacious head gradually drooped on his
chest, * he closed his eyes, and inclined his ear to one side,
as if listening with great attention to the discussion that
was going on in his belly ; which all who knew him de-
clared to be the huge court-house, or council chamber of
" Perplexed with vast affairs of state and town,
** His great head being overset, hangs down."
TELECLIDES, in Pericles*
NEW- YORK. 141
his thoughts; forming to his head what the house of Re-
presentatives do to the senate. An inarticulate sound,
very much resembling a snore, occasionally escaped him ;
but the nature of this internal cogitation was never known,
as he never opened his lips on the subject to man, woman,
or child. In the meantime, the protest of Van Curlet
laid quietly on the table, where it served to light the pipes
of the venerable sages assembled in council ; and in the
great smoke which they raised, the gallant Jacobus, his
protest, and his mighty Fort Goed Hoop, were soon as
completely beclouded and forgotten, as is a question of
emergency swallowed up in the speeches and resolutions
of a modern session of congress.
There are certain emergencies when your profound le-
gislators and sage deliberative councils, are mightily in the
Way of a nation ; and when an ounce of hair-brained de-
cision is worth a pound of sage doubt, and cautious dis-
cussion. Such at least was the case at present ; for while
the renowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily battling with
his doubts, and his resolution growing weaker and weaker
in the contest, the enemy pushed further and further into
his territories, and assumed a most formidable appearance
in the neighbourhood of Fort Goed Hoop. Here they
founded the mighty town of Pyquag$ or, as it has since
been called, Weathersfield ; a place which, if we may cre-
dit the assertions of that worthy historian John Josselyn,
Gent. " hath been infamous by reason of the witches there-
in." And so daring did these men of Pyquag become,
that they extended those plantations of onions, for which
their town is illustrious, under the very noses of the gar-
rison of Fort Goed Hoop insomuch that the honest
Dutchmen could not look toward that quarter without tears
in their eyes.
This crying injustice was regarded with proper indig-
nation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. He absolute-
ly trembled with the amazing violence of his choler, and
14<2 HISTORY OF
the exacerbations of his valour ; which seemed to be the
more turbulent in their workings, from the length of the
body in which they were agitated. He forthwith proceed-
ed to strengthen his redoubts, heighten his breast-works,
deepen his fosse, and fortify his position with a double row
of abbatis ; after which valiant precautions, he with unex-
ampled intrepidity, despatched a fresh courier with tremen-
dous accounts of his perilous situation. Never did the
modern hero, who immortalized himself at the second Sa-
bine war, show greater valour in the art of letter- writing,
or distinguish himself more gloriously upon paper, than
the heroic Van Curlet.
The courier chosen to bear these alarming despatches,
was a fat, oily little man, as being least liable to be worn
out, or to lose leather on the journey ; and to insure his
speed, he was mounted on the fleetest waggon-horse in the
garrison, remarkable for his length of limb, largeness of
bone, and hardness of trot ; and so tall, that the little mes-
senger was obliged to climb on his back by means of his
tail and crupper. Such extraordinary speed did he make,
that he arrived at Fort Amsterdam in little less than a
month, though the distance was full two hundred pipes,
or about 120 miles.
The extraordinary appearance of this portentous stran-
ger would have thrown the whole town of New- Amster-
dam into a quandary, had the good people troubled them-
selves about any thing more than their domestic affairs.
With an appearance of great hurry and business, and
smoking a short travelling pipe, he proceeded on a long
swing trot through the muddy lanes of the metropolis, de-
molishing whole batches of dirt pies, which the little Dutch
children were making in the road ; and for which kind of
pastry the children of this city have ever been famous.
On arriving at the governor's house, he climbed down
from his steed in great trepidation roused the gray-head-
ed doorkeeper, old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant
NEW. YORK. 143
and faithful representative, the venerable crier of our court,
was nodding at his post rattled at the door of the coun-
cil chamber, and startled the members as they were do-
zing over a plan for establishing a public market.
At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep-
drawn snore was heard from the chair of the governor, a
whiff of smoke was at the same instant observed to escape
from his lips, and a light cloud to ascend from the bowl of
his pipe. The council of course supposed him engaged
in deep sleep for the good of the community, and accord-
ing to custom in all such cases established, every man
bawled out Silence, in order to maintain tranquillity;
when of a sudden, the door flew open, and the little cou-
rier straddled into the apartment, cased to the middle in
a pair of Hessian boots, which he had got into for the sake
of expedition. In his right hand he held forth the omi-
nous despatches, and with his left he grasped firmly the
waist-band of his galligaskins, which had unfortunately
given way in the exertion of descending from his horse.
He stumped resolutely up to the governor, and with more
hurry than perspicuity delivered his message. But fortu-
nately his ill tidings came too late to ruffle the tranquillity
of this most tranquil of rulers. His venerable excellency
had just breathed and smoked his last his lungs and his
pipe having been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul
having escaped in the last whiff that curled from his tobac-
co-pipe. In a word, the renowned Walter the Doubter,
wjho had so often slumbered with his contemporaries, now
slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus Kieft governed in
his stead.
END OF BOOK THIRD,
CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM
THE TESTY.
CHAPTER I.
Showing the nature of History in general ; containing further-
more the universal acquirements of William the Testy, and how
a man may learn so much as to render himself good for nothing.
W HEN the lofty Thucydides is about to enter on his de-
scription of the plague that desolated Athens, one of his
modern commentators * assures the reader, that his histo-
ry " is now going to be exceeding solemn, serious, and
pathetic ;" and hints, with that air of chuckling gratulation,
with which a good dame draws forth a choice morsel from
a cupboard to regale a favourite, that this plague will give-
his history a most agreeable variety.
In like manner did my heart leap within me, when I
came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort Good Hope, which
I at once perceived to be the forerunner of a series of great
events and entertaining disasters. Such are the true sub-
jects for the historic pen. For what is history, in fact, but
a kind of Newgate kalendar, a register of the crimes and
miseries that man has inflicted on his fellow man. It is
a huge libel on human nature, to which we industriously
.add page after page, volume after volume, as if we were
Smith's Thucyd Vol. I.
HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 145
building up a monument to the honour rather than the in-
famy of our species. If we turn over the pages of these
chronicles that man has written of himself, what are the
characters dignified by the appellation of great, and held
up to the admiration of posterity? Tyrants, robbers, con-
querors, renowned only for the magnitude of their mis-
deeds, and the stupendous wrongs and miseries they have
inflicted on mankind warriors, who have hired themselves
to the trade of blood, not from motives of virtuous patriot-
ism, or to protect the injured and defenceless, but merely
to gain the vaunted glory of being adroit and successful in
massacring their fellow beings ! What are the great events
that constitute a glorious era ? The fall of empires the
desolation of happy countries splendid cities smoking in
their ruins the proudest works of art tumbled in the dust
the shrieks and groans of whole nations ascending unto
heaven !
It is thus the historians may be said to thrive on the
miseries of mankind they are like the birds of prey that
hover over the field of battle, to fatten on the mighty dead.
It was observed by a great projector of inland lock navi-
gation, that rivers, lakes, and oceans, were only formed to
feed canals. In like manner I am tempted to believe, that
plots, conspiracies, wars, victories, and massacres, are or-
dained by providence only as food for the historian.
It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, in
studying the wonderful economy of nature, to trace the
mutual dependencies of things, how they are created reci-
procally for each other, and how the most noxious and ap-
parently unnecessary animal has its uses. Thus those
swarms of flies, which are so often execrated as useless ver-
min, are created for the sustenance of spiders; and spiders,
on the other hand, are evidently made to devour flies. So
those heroes who have been such pests in the world, were
bounteously provided as themes for the poet and the his-
T
146 HISTORY OF
tqrian, while the poet and historian were destined to re-
cord the achievements of heroes !
These, and many similar reflections, naturally arose in
my mind, as I took up my pen to commence the reign of
William Kieft ; for now the stream of our history, which
hitherto has rolled in a tranquil current, is about to de-
part for ever from its peaceful haunts, and brawl through
many a turbulent and rugged scene. Like some sleek ox,
which, having fed and fattened in a rich clover field, lies
sunk in luxurious repose, and will bear repeated taunts
and blows, before it heaves its unwieldy limbs, and clum-
sily arouses from its slumbers ; so the province of the
Nieuw Nederlandts, having long thriven and grown cor-
pulent under the prosperous reign of the Doubter, was re-
luctantly awakened to a melancholy conviction, that, by
patient sufferance, its grievances had become so numerous
and aggravating, that it was preferable to repel than en-
dure them. The reader will now witness the manner in
which a peaceful community advances towards a state of
war ; which it is too apt to approach, as a horse does a
drum, with much prancing and parade, but with little pro-
gress, and too often with the wrong end foremost.
WILHELMUS KIEFT, who in 1634 ascended the Guber-
natorial chair, (to borrow a favourite though clumsy appel-
lation of modern phraseologists,) was in form, feature and
character, the very reverse of Wouter Van Twiller, his
renowned predecessor. He was of very respectable de-
scent, his father being Inspector of Windmills in the an-
cient town of Saardam ; and our hero, we are told, made
very curious investigations into the nature and operations
of those machines when a boy, which is one reason why
he afterwards came to be so ingenious a governor. His
name, according to the most ingenious etymologists, was
a corruption of Kyver, that is to say, a wrangler or scolder,
and expressed the hereditary disposition of his family,
NEW- YORK. 147
which, for nearly two centuries, had kept the windy town
of Saardam in hot water, and produced more tartars and
brimstones than any ten families in the place ; and so truly
did Wilhelmus Kieft inherit this family endowment, that
he had scarcely been a year in the discharge of his govern-
ment, before he was universally known by the appellation
of WILLIAM THE TESTY.
He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, who had
dried and withered away, partly through the natural pro-
cess of years, and partly from being parched and burnt up
by his fiery soul, which blazed like a vehement rushlight
in his bosom, constantly inciting him to most valorous
broils, altercations, and misadventures. I have heard it
observed by a profound and philosophical judge of human
nature, that if a woman waxes fat as she grows old, the te-
nure of her life is very precarious ; but if haply she wi-
thers, she lives for ever : such likewise was the case with
William the Testy^ who grew tougher in proportion as he
dried. He was some such a little Dutchman as we may
now arid theri see, stumping briskly about the streets of
our city, in a broad-skirted coat, with buttons nearly as
large as the shield of Ajax, an old-fashioned cocked hat
stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as high as his
chin. His visage was broad, but his features sharp ; his
nose turfted up with a most petulant curl ; his cheeks, like
the regions of Terra del Fuego, were scorched into a dusky
red doubtless, ift consequence of the neighbourhood of
two fierce little grey eyes, through which his torrid soul
beamed as fervently, as a tropical sun blazing through a
pair of burning glasses. The corners of his mouth were
curiously modelled into a kind of fret- work, not a little re-
sembling the wrinkled proboscis of an irritable pug dog;
in a word, he was one of the most positive, restless, ugly,
little men, that ever put himself in a passion about nothing.
Such were the personal endowments of William the
Testy ; but it was the sterling riches of his mind that raised
148 HISTORY OF
him to dignity and power. In his youth he had passed
with great credit through a celebrated academy at the
Hague, noted for producing finished scholars with a des-
patch unequalled, except by certain of our American col-
leges, which seem to manufacture bachelors of arts by some
patent machine. Here he skirmished very smartly on the
frontiers of several of the sciences, and made so gallant an
inroad in the dead languages, as to bring off captive a host
of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, together with divers pithy
saws and apophthegms ; all which he constantly paraded
in conversation and writing, with as much vainglory as
would a triumphant general of yore display the spoils of
the countries he had ravished. He had moreover puzzled
himself considerably with logic, in which he had advanced
so far as to attain a very familiar acquaintance, by name at
least, with the whole family of syllogisms and dilemmas ;
but what he chiefly valued himself on, was his knowledge
of metaphysics, in which having once upon a time ventured
too deeply, he came well nigh being smothered in a slough
of unintelligible learning a fearful peril, from the effects
of which he never perfectly recovered. In plain words,
like many other profound intermeddlers in this abstruse,
bewildering science, he so confused his brain with abstract
speculations which he could not comprehend, and artificial
distinctions which he could not realize, that he could never
think clearly on any subject, however simple, through the
whole course of his life afterwards. This, I must confess,
was in some measure a misfortune, for he never engaged in
argument, of which he was exceeding fond, but what, be-
tween logical deductions and metaphysical jargon, he soon
involved himself and his subject in a fog of contradictions
and perplexities, and then would get into a mighty passion
with his adversary, for not being convinced gratis.
It is in knowledge as in swimming, he who osten-
tatiously sports and flounders on the surface, makes more
noise and splashing, and attracts more attention than the
NEW-YORK. 149
industrious pearl-diver, who plunges in search of treasures
to the bottom. The " universal acquirements" of William
Kieft were the subject of great marvel and admiration
among his countrymen ; he figured about at the Hague
with as much vainglory, as does a profound Bonze at
Pekin, who has mastered half the letters of the Chinese
alphabet; and, in a word, was unanimously pronounced
a universal genius ! I have known many universal geni-
uses in my time, though, to speak my mind freely, I never
knew one, who, for the ordinary purposes of life, was
worth his weight in straw ; but for the purposes of govern-
ment, a little sound judgment, and plain common sense, is
worth all the sparkling genius that ever wrote poetry, or
invented theories.
Strange as it may sound, therefore, the universal acquire-
ments of the illustrious Wilhelmus, were very much in his
way ; and had he been a less learned man, it is possible he
would have been a much greater governor. He was ex-
ceedingly fond of trying philosophical and political expe-
riments : and having stuffed his head full of scraps and
remnants of ancient republics, and oligarchies, and aris-
tocracies, and monarchies, and the laws of Solon, and
Lycurgus, and Charondas, and the imaginary common-
wealth of Plato, and the Pandects of Justinian, and a
thousand other fragments of venerable antiquity, he was
for ever bent upon introducing some one or other of them
into use ; so that between one contradictory measure and
another, he entangled the government of the little province
of Nieuw Nederlandts in more knots during his admini-
stration, than half a dozen successors could have untied.
No sooner had this bustling little man been blown by a
whiff of fortune in the seat of government, than he called
together his council, and delivered a very animated speech
on the affairs of the province. As every body knows what
a glorious opportunity a governor, a president, or even an
emperor has, of drubbing his enemies in his speeches, mes-
150 HISTORY OF
sages, and bulletins, where he has the talk all on his own
side, they may be sure the high-mettled William Kieft
did not suffer so favourable an occasion to escape him, of
evincing that gallantry of tongue common to all able le-
gislators. Before he commenced, it is recorded that he
took out his pocket handkerchief, and gave a very sonorous
blast of the nose, according to the usual custom of great
orators. This, in general, I believe, is intended as a sig-
nal trumpet, to call the attention of the auditors ; but with
William the Testy it boasted a more classic cause, for he
had read of the singular expedient of that famous dema-
gogue Caius Gracchus, who, when he harangued the Ro-
man populace, modulated his tones by an oratorical flute
or pitch-pipe.
This preparatory symphony being performed, he com-
menced by expressing a humble sense of his own want of
talents, his utter unworthiness of the honour conferred
upon him, arid his humiliating incapacity to discharge the
important duties of his new station : in short, he expressed
so contemptible an opinion of himself, that many simple
country members present, ignorant that these were mere
words of course, always used on such occasions, were very
uneasy, and even felt wroth that he should accept an office,
for which he was consciously so inadequate.
He then proceeded in a manner highly classic, pro-
foundly erudite, and nothing at all to the purpose ; being
nothing more than a pompous account of all the govern-
ments of ancient Greece, and the wars of Rome and Car-
thage, together with the rise and fall of sundry outlandish
empires, about which the assembly knew no more than
their great grandchildren who were yet unborn. Thus
having, after the manner of your learned orators, convinced
the audience that he was a man of many words and great
erudition, he at length came to the less important part of
his speech, the situation of the province ; and here he soon
worked himself into a fearful rage against the Yankees,
NEW-YORK. 151
whom he compared to the Gauls who desolated Rome,
and the Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains
of Europe nor did he forget to mention, in terms of ade-
quate opprobrium, the insolence with which they had en-
croached upon the territories of New Netherlands, and
the unparalleled audacity with which they had commenced
the town of New- Plymouth, and planted the onion patches
of Weathersfield under the very walls of Fort Goed Hoop.
Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of terror to a
climax, he assumed a self-satisfied look, and declared, with
a nod of knowing import, that he had taken measures to
put a final stop to these encroachments that he had been
obliged to have recourse to a dreadful engine of warfare,
lately invented, awful in its effects, but authorized by dire-
ful necessity. In a word, he was resolved to conquer the
Yankees by proclamation.
For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous instru-
ment of the kind ordering, commanding, and enjoining
the intruders aforesaid forthwith to remove, depart, and
withdraw from the districts, regions, and territories afore-
said, under pain of suffering all the penalties, forfeitures,
and punishments in such case made and provided, &c.
This proclamation, he assured them, would at once exter-
minate the enemy from the face of the country ; and he
pledged his valour as a governor, that within two months
after it was published, not one stone should remain on
another in any of the towns which they had built.
The council remained for some time silent after he had
finished; whether struck dumb with admiration at the
brilliancy of his project, or put to sleep by the length of
his harangue, the history of the times doth not mention.
Suffice it to say, they at length gave a general grunt of
acquiescence ; the proclamation was immediately des-
patched with due ceremony, having the great seal of the
province, which was about the size of a buckwheat pancake,
attached to it by a broad red riband. Governor Kieft,
152 HISTORY OF
having thus vented his indignation, felt greatly relieved
adjourned the council sine die put on his cocked hat and
corduroy small-clothes, and mounting a tall raw boned
charger, trotted out to his country seat, which was situated
in a sweet, sequestered swamp, now called Dutch Street,
but more commonly known by the name of Dog's Misery.
Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of
legislation, taking lessons in government, not from the
Nymph Egeria, but from the honoured wife of his bosom ;
who was one of that peculiar kind of females, sent upon
earth a little before the flood, as a punishment for the sins
of mankind, and commonly known by the appellation of
knowing women. In fact, my duty as an historian obliges
me to make known a circumstance which was a great se-
cret at the time, and consequently was riot a subject of
scandal at more than half the tea-tables of New- Amster-
dam, but which, like many other great secrets, has leaked
out in the lapse of years ; and this was, that the great Wil-
helmus the Testy, though one of the most potent little
men that ever breathed, yet submitted at home to a species
of government, neither laid down in Aristotle nor Plato ;
in short, it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed ty-
ranny, and is familiarly denominated petticoat government.
An absolute sway, which, though exceedingly common in
these modern days, was very rare among the ancients, if
we may judge from the rout made about the domestic eco-
nomy of honest Socrates, which is the only ancient case on
record.
The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers and
sarcasms of his particular friends, who are ever ready to
joke with a man on sore points of the kind, by alleging
that it was a government of his own election, to which he
submitted through choice ; adding at the same time a pro-
found maxim which he had found in an ancient author,
that " he who would aspire to govern, should first learn
to obey."
NEW-YORK. 153
CHAPTER II.
In which are recorded the sage Projects of a Ruler of universal
Genius. The art of Fighting by Proclamation, and how
that the valiant Jacobus Van Curlet came to be foully di$~
honoured at Fort Goed Hoop.
NEVER was a more comprehensive, a more expeditious,
or, what is still better, a more economical measure devised,
than this, of defeating the Yankees by proclamation; an
expedient, likewise, so humane, so gentle, and pacific,
there were ten chances to one in favour of its succeeding,
but then there was one chance to ten that it would not
succeed ; as the illnatured fates would have it, that single
chance carried the day ! The proclamation was perfect
in all its parts, well constructed, well written, well sealed,
and well published all that was wanting to insure its effect
was, that the Yankees should stand in awe of it ; but, pro-
voking to relate, they treated it with the most absolute
contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose, and thus did
the first warlike proclamation come to a shameful end
a fate which I am credibly informed, has befallen but too
many of its successors.
It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kieft could be
persuaded, by the united efforts of all his counsellors, that
his war measures had failed in producing any effect. On
the contrary, he flew in a passion whenever any one dared
to question its efficacy .; and swore, that though it was slow
in operating, yet when once it began to work, it would
soon purge the land of these rapacious intruders. Time,
however, that test of all experiments both in philosophy
and politics, at length convinced the great Kieft, that his
proclamation was abortive ; and that, notwithstanding he
had waited four years in a state of constant irritation, yet
U
154 HISTORY OF
he was still further off than ever from the object of his
wishes. His implacable adversaries in the east became
more and more troublesome in their encroachments, and
founded the thriving colony of Hartford close upon the
skirts of Fort Goed Hoop. They moreover commenced
the fair settlement of Newhaven (alias the Red Hills)
within the domains of their high mightinesses while the
onion patches of Pyquag were a continual eyesore to the
garrison of Van Curlet. Upon beholding, therefore, the
inefficacy of his measure, the sage Kieft, like many a
worthy practitioner of physic, laid the blame, not to the
medicine, but the quantity administered; and resolutely
resolved to double the dose.
In the year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth year
of his reign, he fulminated against them a second procla-
mation, of heavier metal than the former ; written in thun-
dering long sentences, not one word of which was under
five syllables. This, in fact, was a kind of non-intercourse
bill, forbidding and prohibiting all commerce and connex-
ion, between any and every of the said Yankee intruders,,
and the said fortified post of Fort Goed Hoop ; and order-
ing, commanding, and advising all his trusty, loyal, and
well-beloved subjects, to furnish them with no supplies of
gin, gingerbread, or sour crout; to buy none of their
pacing horses, meazly pork, apple brandy, Yankee rum,
cider water, apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, or
wooden bowls ; but to starve and exterminate them from
the face of the land.
Another pause of a twelvemonth ensued, during which
the last proclamation received the same attention, and
experienced the same fate as the first; at the end of which
term, the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet despatched his an-
nual messenger, with his customary budget of complaints
and entreaties. Whether the regular interval of a year,
intervening between the arrival of Van Curlet' s couriers,
was occasioned by the systematic regularity of his move-
NEW-YORK. 155
ments, or by the immense distance at which he was sta-
tioned from the seat of government, is a matter of uncer-
tainty. Some have ascribed it to the slowness of his mes-
sengers, who, as I have before noticed, were chosen from
the shortest and fattest of his garrison, as least likely to
be worn out on the road ; and who, being pursy, short-
winded little men, generally travelled fifteen miles a-day,
and then laid by a whole week to rest. All these, how-
ever, are matters of conjecture ; and I rather think it may
be ascribed to the immemorial maxim of this worthy coun-
try, and which has ever influenced all its public transac-
tions not to do things in a hurry.
The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet in his despatches re-
spectfully represented, that several years had now elapsed,
since his first application to his late excellency, the re-
nowned Wouter Van Twiller; during which interval, his
garrison had been reduced nearly one-eighth, by the death
of two of his most valiant and corpulent soldiers, who had
accidentally over-eaten themselves on some fat salmon,
caught in the Varsche river. He further stated, that the
enemy persisted in their inroads, taking no notice of the
fort or its inhabitants, but squatting themselves down, and
forming settlements all around it ; so that, in a little while,
he should find himself enclosed and blockaded by the
enemy, and totally at their mercy.
But among the most atrocious of his grievances, I find
the following still on record, which may serve to show the
bloody-minded outrages of these savage intruders. " In
the meane time, they of Hartford have not onely usurped
and taken in the lands of Connecticott, although unright-
eously and against the lawes of nations, but have hindered
our nation in sowing theire owne purchased broken up
lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the night,
which the Netherlanders had broken up and intended to
sowe : aud have beaten the servants of the high and mighty
the honored companie, which were labouring upon theire
156 HISTORY OF
master's lands, from theire lands, with sticks and plott j
staves in hostile manner laming, and amongst the rest*
struck Ever Duckings * a hole in his head, with a stick,
soe that the blood ran downe very strongly downe upon
his body."
But what is still more atrocious
" Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the
honored companie, under pretence that it had eaten of
theire grounde grass, when they had not any foot of inher-
itance. They proffered the hogg for 5s. if the commis-
sioners would have given 5s. for damage ; which the com*-
missioners denied, because noe man's owne hogg (as men
use to say) can trespass uponhis owne master's grounde."-f-
The receipt of this melancholy intelligence incensed the
whole community there was something in it that spoke
to the dull comprehension, and touched the obtuse feelings
even of the puissant vulgar, who generally require a kick
in the rear, to awaken their. slumbering dignity. I have
known my profound fellow-citizens bear without murmur,
a thousand essential infringements of their rights, merely
because they were not immediately obvious to their senses;
but the moment the unlucky Pearce was shot upon our
coasts, the whole body politic was in a ferment : so the en-
lightened Nederlanders, though they had treated the en-
croachments of their eastern neighbours with but little re-
gard, and left their quill-valiant governor to bear the whole
brunt of the war, with his single pen ; yet now every in-
dividual felt his head broken in the broken head of Duck-
ings and the unhappy fate of their fellow-citizen the hog,
being impressed, carried and sold into captivity, awakened
a grunt of sympathy from every bosom.
* This name is no doubt misspelt. In some old Dutch MSS. of the
time, we find the name of Evert Duyckingh, who is unquestionably
the unfortunate hero above alluded to.
f Haz. Col. Stat. Pass.
NEW-YORK, 157
The goveinor and council, goaded by the clamours of
the multitude, now sat themselves earnestly to deliberate
Upon what was to be done. Proclamations had at length
fallen into temporary disrepute; some were for sending
the Yankees a tribute, as we make peace-offerings to the
petty Barbary powers, or as the Indians sacrifice to the
devil. Others were for buying them out ; but this was op-
posed, as it would be acknowledging their title to the land
they had seized. A variety of measures were, as usual in
such cases, proposed, discussed, and abandoned ; and the
council had at last, to adopt the means, which being the
most common and obvious, had been knowingly overlook-
ed; for your amazing acute politicians are forever looking
through telescopes, which only enable them to see such
objects as are far off, and unattainable ; but which inca-
pacitate them to see such things as are in their reach, and
obvious to all simple folks, who are content to look with
the naked eyes heaven has given them. The profound
council, as I have said, in their pursuit after Jack-o'-lan-
terns, accidentally stumbled on the very measure they were
in need of; which was to raise a body of troops, and des-
patch them to the relief and reinforcement of the garrison.
This measure was carried into such prompt operation, that
in less than twelve months, the whole expedition, consist-
ing of a serjeant and twelve men, was ready to march ; and
was reviewed for that purpose, in the public square, now
known by the name of the Bowling Green. Just at this
juncture the whole community was thrown into conster-
nation, by the sudden arrival of the gallant Jacobus Van
Curlet ; who came straggling into town at the head of his
crew of tatterdemalions, and bringing the melancholy ti-
dings of his own defeat, and the capture of the redoubta-
ble post of Fort Goed Hoop by the ferocious Yankees.
The fate of this important fortress, is an impressive warn-
ing to all military commanders. It was neither carried by
storm, nor famine ; no practicable breach was effected by
158 HISTORY OF
cannon or mines ; no magazines were blown up by red-hot
shot ; nor were the barracks demolished, or the garrison
destroyed, by the bursting of bombshells. In fact, the
place was taken by a stratagem no less singular than effec-
tual; and one that can never fail of success, whenever an
opportunity occurs of putting it in practice. Happy am
I to add, for the credit of our illustrious ancestors, that it
was a stratagem, which though it impeached the vigilance,
yet left the bravery of the intrepid Van Curlet and his gar-
rison perfectly free from reproach.
It appears that the crafty Yankees, having heard of the
regular habits of the garrison, watched a favourable op-
portunity, and silently introduced themselves into the fort,
about the middle of a sultry day; when its vigilant defend-
ers, having gorged themselves with a hearty dinner, and
smoked out their pipes, were one and all snoring most ob-
streperously at their posts, little dreaming of so disastrous
an occurrence. The enemy most inhumanly seized Jaco-
bus Van Curlet and his sturdy myrmidons by the nape of
the neck, gallanted them to the gate of the fort, and dis-
missed them severally, with a kick on the crupper, as
Charles the Twelfth dismissed the heavy bottomed Rus-
sians, after the battle of Narva only taking care to give
two kicks to Van Curlet, as a signal mark of distinction.
A strong garrison was immediately established in the
fort, consisting of twenty long sided, hard fisted Yankees,
with Weathersfield onions stuck in their hats, by way of
cockades and feathers long rusty fowling pieces for mus-
kets hasty pudding, dumb fish, pork, and molasses for
stores ; and a huge pumpkin was hoisted on the end of a
pole, as a standard liberty caps not having as yet come
into fashion.
NEW-YORK. 159
CHAPTER III.
Containing the fearful wrath of William the Testy, and the great
dolor of the Ncrv-Amsterdammers, because of the affair of Fort
Goed Hoop. And moreover how William the Testy did strong-
ly fortify the city. Together with the exploits of Stoffel Brin-
kerhoff.
LANGUAGE cannot express the prodigious fury, into
which the testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown by this pro-
voking intelligence. For three good hours the rage of the
little man was too great for words, or rather the words
were too great for him ; and he was nearly choked by some
dozen huge, misshapen, nine cornered Dutch oaths, that
crowded all at once into his gullet. Having blazed off the
first broadside, he kept up a constant firing for three whole
days anathematizing the Yankees, man, woman, and child,
body and soul, for a set of dieven, schobbejaken, deuge-
nieten, twist-zoekeren, loozen-schalken, blaes-kaken, kak-
ken-bedden, and a thousand other names of which, unfor-
tunately for posterity, history does not make particular
mention. Finally he swore that he would have nothing
more to do with such a squatting, bundling, guessing, ques-
tioning, swapping, pumpkin-eating, molasses-daubing,
shingle-splitting, cider- watering, horse-jockeying, notion-
peddling crew that they might stay at Fort Goed Hoop
and rot, before he would dirty his hands by attempting to
drive them away ; in proof of which he ordered the new
raised troops to be marched forthwith into winter-quar-
ters^ although it was not as yet quite midsummer. Go-
vernor Kieft faithfully kept his word, and his adversaries
as faithfully kept their post ; and thus the glorious river
Connecticut, and all the gay valleys through which it rolls,
together with the salmon, shad, and other fish within its
160 HISTORY OF
waters, fell into the hands of the victorious Yankees, by
whom they are held at this very day.
Great despondency seized upon the city of New- Am-
sterdam, in consequence of these melancholy events. The
name of Yankee became as terrible among our good an-
cestors, as was that of Gaul among the ancient Romans :
and all the sage old women of the province used it as a
bugbear, wherewith to frighten their unruly children into
obedience.
The eyes of all the province were now turned upon
their governor, to know what he would do for the protec-
tion of the common weal, in these days of darkness and
peril. Great apprehensions prevailed among the reflect-
ing part of the community, especially the old women, that
these terrible warriors of Connecticut, not content with
the conquest of Fort Goed Hoop, would incontinently
march on to New- Amsterdam and take it by storm and
as these old ladies, through means of the governor's spouse,
who, as has been already hinted, was " the better horse,"
had obtained considerable influence in public affairs, keep-
ing the province under a kind of petticoat government, it
was determined that measures should be taken for the
effective fortification of the city.
Now it happened that at this time there sojourned in
New- Amsterdam one Anthony Van Corlear, * a jolly fat
Dutch trumpeter, of a pleasant burley visage, famous for
his long wind and his huge whiskers; and who, as the
story goes, could twang so potently upon his instrument,
as to produce an effect upon all within hearing, as though
ten thousand bagpipes were singing most lustily i' the
* David Pietrez De Vries in his " Reyze naer Nieuw-Nederlandt
onder bet year 1640," makes mention of one Corlear , a trumpeter in
Fort Amsterdam, who gave name to Corlear's Hook, and who was
doubtless this same champion, described by Mr. Knickerbocker.;
EDITOR.
NEW-YORK. 161
nose. Him did the illustrious Kieft pick out as the man
of all the world, and most fitted to be the champion of
New- Amsterdam, and to garrison its fort; making little
doubt but that his instrument would be as effectual and
offensive in war as was that of the Paladin Astolpho, or
the more classic horn of Alecto. It would have done one's
heart good to have seen the governor snapping his fingers
and fidgetting with delight, while his sturdy trumpeter
strutted up and down the ramparts, fearlessly twanging
his trumpet in the face of the whole world, like a thrice
valorous editor, daringly insulting all the principalities and
powers on the other side of the Atlantic.
Nor was he content with thus strongly garrisoning the
fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to its strength, by
furnishing it with a formidable battery of quaker-guns-r-
rearing a stupendous flag-staff in the centre, which over-
topped the whole city and moreover by building a great
windmill on one of the bastions. * This last, to be sure,
was somewhat of a novelty in the art of fortification, but
as I have already observed, William Kieft was notorious
for innovations and experiments, and traditions do affirm
that he was much given to mechanical inventions con*.
structing patent smoke-jacks carts that went before the
horses and especially erecting windmills, for which ma-
chines he had acquired a singular predilection in Jus n^
tive town of Saardam.
All these scientific vagaries of the little governor were
cried up with ecstacy by his adherents, as proofs of his
universal genius ; but there were not wanting ill-natured
grumblers, who railed at him as employing his mind in
frivolous pursuits, and devoting that time to sjnokerjacks
* De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the south-east
bastion, and it is likewise to be seen, together with the flag-staff, in
Justus Banker's View of New- Amsterdam, prefixed to this history,
X
162 HISTORY OF
and windmills, which should have been occupied in the
more important concerns of the province. Nay, they even
went so far as to hint once or twice, that his head was
turned by his experiments, and that he really thought to
manage his government, as he did his mills by mere
wind ! Such is the illiberality and slander to which en-
lightened rulers are ever subject.
Notwithstanding all the measures, therefore, of William
the Testy to place the city in a posture of defence, the in-
habitants continued in great alarm and despondency. But
Fortune, who seems always careful, in the very nick of
time, to throw a bone for Hope to feed upon, that the
starveling elf may be kept alive, did about this time crown
the arms of the province with success in another quarter,
and thus cheered the drooping hearts of the forlorn Ned-
erlanders ; otherwise there is no knowing to what lengths
they might have gone in the excess of their sorrowing
" for grief," says the profound historian of the seven
champions of Christendom, " is companion with despair,
and despair a procurer of infamous death !"
Among the numerous inroads of the Moss-troopers of
Connecticut, which, for some time past, had occasioned
such great tribulation, I should particularly have men-
tioned a settlement made on the eastern part of Long-
Island, at a place which, from the peculiar excellence of
its shell-fish, was called Oyster Bay. This was attacking
the province in a most sensible part, and occasioned great
agitation at New- Amsterdam.
It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to skilful phy-
siologists, that the high road to the affections is through
the throat; and this may be accounted for on the same
principles which I have already quoted in my strictures on
fat aldermen. Nor is the fact unknown to the world at
large; and hence do we observe, that the surest way to
gain the hearts of the million, is to feed them well and
that a man is never so disposed to flatter, to please and
NEW-YORK. 163
serve another, as when he is feeding at his expense;
which is one reason why your rich men, who give frequent
dinners, have such abundance of sincere and faithful
friends. It is on this principle that our knowing leaders
of parties secure the affections of their partizans, by re-
warding them bountifully with loaves and fishes; and
entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating them
with bull feasts and roasted oxen. I have known many a
man, in this same city, acquire considerable importance in
society, and usurp a large share of the good-will of his
fellow citizens, when the only thing that could be said in
his eulogium was, " that he gave a good dinner, and kept
excellent wine.'*
Since then the heart and the stomach are so nearly al-
lied, it follows conclusively that what affects the one must
sympathetically affect the other. Now it is an equally in-
controvertible fact, that of all offerings to the stomach,
there is none more grateful than the testaceous marine
animal, known commonly by the vulgar name of Oyster.
And in such great reverence has it ever been held by
my gormandizing fellow citizens, that temples have been
dedicated to it, time out of mind, in every street, lane, and
alley, throughout this well-fed city. It is not to be ex-
pected, therefore, that the seizing of Oyster Bay, a place
abounding with their favourite delicacy, would be tolerated
by the inhabitants of New- Amsterdam. An attack upon
their honour they might have pardoned ; even the massacre
of a few citizens might have been passed over in silence ;
but an outrage that affected the larders of the great city of
New- Amsterdam, and threatened the stomachs of its cor-
pulent burgomasters, was too serious to pass unrevenged.
The whole council was unanimous in opinion; that the in-
truders should be immediately driven by force of arms
from Oyster Bay and its vicinity, and a detachment was
accordingly despatched for the purpose, under command
of one Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or Brinkerhoofd (i. e. Stoffel,
164 HISTORY OF
the head-breaker) ; so called because he was a man of*
mighty deeds, famous throughout the whole extent of
Nieuw Nederlandts for his skill at quarterstaff ; and for
size, he would have been a match for Colbrand, the Dan-
ish champion, slain by Guy of Warwick.
Stoffel Brinkerhoffwas A man of few words, but prompt
actions -one of your straight-going officers, who march
directly forward, and do their orders without making any
parade about it. He used no extraordinary speed in his
movements, but trudged steadily on, through Nineveh and
Babylon, and Jericho and Patchog, and the mighty town
of Quag, and various other renowned cities of yore, which,
by some unaccountable witchcraft of the Yankees, have
been strangely transplanted to Long-Island, until he ar-
rived in the neighbourhood of Oyster Bay.
Here was he encountered by a tumultuous host of valiant
warriors, headed by Preserved Fish* and Habakkuk Nut-
ter, and Return Strong* and Zerubbabel Fisk, and Jona-
than Doolittle, and Determined Cock ! At the sound of
whose names the courageous Stoffel verily believed that
the whole parliament of Praise God Barebones had been
let loose to discomfit him. Finding, however, that this
formidable body was composed merely of the " select
men " of the settlement, armed with no other weapon but
their tongues, and that they had issued forth with no other
intent, than to meet him on the field of argument he
succeeded in putting them to the rout with little difficulty,
and completely broke up their settlement. Without wait-
ing to write an account of his victory on the spot, and thus
letting the enemy slip through his fingers, while he was
securing his own laurels, as a more experienced general
would have done, the brave Stoffel thought of nothing
but completing his enterprize, and utterly driving the Yan-
kees from the Island. This hardy enterprize he performed
in much the same manner as he had been accustomed to
drive his oxen ; for as the Yankees fled before him, he
NEW- YORK. 165
pulled up his breeches and trudged steadily after them,
and would infallibly have driven them into the sea, had
they not begged for quarter, and agreed to pay tribute.
The news of this achievement was a seasonable restora-
tive to the spirits of the citizens of New- Amsterdam. To
gratify them still more, the governor resolved to astonish
them with one of those gorgeous spectacles, known in the
days of classic antiquity, a full account of which had been
flogged into his memory, when a school-boy at the Hague.
A grand triumph, therefore, was decreed to StoiFel Brink-
erhoff, who made his triumphant entrance into town rid-
ing on a Naraganset pacer; five pumpkins, which, like
Roman eagles, had served the enemy for standards, were
carried before hitti fifty cart-loads of oysters, five hun-
dred bushels of Weathersfield onions, a hundred quintals
of codfish, two hogsheads of molasses, and various other
treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and tribute of the
Yankees; while three notorious counterfeiters of Man-
hattan notes * were led captive to grace the hero's triumph.
The procession was enlivened by martial music, from the
trumpet of Anthony Van Corlear, the champion, accom-
panied by a select band of boys and negroes, performing
on the national instruments of rattle-bones and clam-shells.
The citizens devoured the spoils in sheer gladness of heart
every man did honour to the conqueror, by getting de-
voutly drunk on New England rum; and the learned Wil-
helmus Kieft, calling to mind, in a momentary fit of en-
thusiasm and generosity, that it was customary among the
ancients to honour their victorious generals with public
statues, passed a gracious decree, by which every tavern-
* This is one of those trivial anachronisms, that now and then occur
in the course of this otherwise authentic history. How could Man-
hattan notes be counterfeited, when as yet Banks were unknown in
this country and our simple progenitors had not even dreamt of
those inexhaustible mines of paper opulence? Print. Dev.
166 HISTORY OF
keeper was permitted to paint the head of the intrepid
Stoffel on his sign !
CHAPTER IV.
Philosophical reflections on the folly of being happy in times of
prosperity* Sundry troubles on the southern frontiers. *-How
William the Testy had well nigh ruined the province through a
Cabalistic word. As also the secret expedition of Jan Jansen
Alpendam, and his astonishing reward.
IF we could but get a peep at the tally of Dame For-
tune, where, like a notable landlady, she regularly chalks
up the debtor and creditor accounts of mankind, we should
find that, upon the whole, good and evil are pretty nearly
balanced in this world : and that though we may for a long
while revel in the very lap of prosperity, the time will at
length come, when we must ruefully pay off the reckoning.
Fortune, in fact, is a pestilent shrew, and withal a most
inexorable creditor ; for though she may indulge her fa-
vourites in long credits, and overwhelm them with her
favours, yet sooner or later she brings up her arrears,
with the rigour of an experienced publican, and washes
out her scores with their tears. " Since," says good old
Boetius in his Consolations of Philosophy, " since no man
can retain her at his pleasure, and since her flight is so
deeply lamented, what are her favours but sure prognosti-
cations of approaching trouble and calamity !"
There is nothing that more moves my contempt at the
stupidity and want of reflection of my fellow men, than
to behold them rejoicing, and indulging in security and
self-confidence, in times of prosperity. To a wise man,
who is blessed with the light of reason, those are the very
moments of anxiety and apprehension ; well knowing that
NEW-YORK. 167
according to the system of things, happiness is at best but
transient ; and that the higher he is elevated by the capri-
cious breath of fortune, the lower must be his proportion-
ate depression. Whereas, he who is overwhelmed by cala-
mity, has the less chance of encountering fresh disasters,
as a man at the bottom of a ladder, runs very little risk
of breaking his neck by tumbling to the top.
This is the very essence of true wisdom, which consists
in knowing when we ought to be miserable ; and was dis-
covered much about the same time with that invaluable
secret, " that every thing is vanity and vexation of spirit;"
in consequence of which maxim your wise men have ever
been the unhappiest of the human race ; esteeming it as
an infallible mark of genius to be distressed without rea-
son ; since any man may be miserable in time of misfor-
tune, but it is the philosopher alone who can discover
cause for grief in the very hour of prosperity.
According to the principle I have just advanced, we
find that the colony of New Netherlands, which, under
the reign of the renowned Van Twiller, had flourished in
such alarming and fatal serenity, is now paying for its for-
mer welfare, and discharging the enormous debt of comfort
which it contracted. Foes harass it from different quar-
ters ; the city of New- Amsterdam, while yet in its infancy,
is kept in constant alarm; and its valiant commander,
William the Testy, answers the vulgar, but expressive
idea of " a man in a peck of troubles."
While busily engaged repelling his bitter enemies
the Yankees, on one side, we find him suddenly molested
in another quarter, and by other assailants. A vagrant
colony of Swedes, under the conduct of Peter Minnewits,
and professing allegiance to that redoubtable virago, Chris-
tina, queen of Sweden, had settled themselves and erected
a fort on south (or Delaware) river ; within the boundaries
claimed by the government of the New Netherlands. His-
tory is mute as to the particulars of their first landing, and
168 HTSTORY OF
their real pretensions to the soil ; and this is the more to
be lamented, as this same colony of Swedes will hereafter
be found most materially to affect, not only the interests
of the Nederlanders, but of the world at large !
In whatever manner, therefore, this vagabond colony of
Swedes first took possession of the country, it is certain
that in 1638 they established a fort, and Minnewits, ac-
cording to the off-hand usage of his contemporaries, de-
clared himself governor of all the adjacent country, under
the name of the province of NEW SWEDEN. No sooner
did this reach the ears of the choleric Wilhelmus, than,
like a true spirited chieftain, he immediately broke into a
violent rage, and calling together his council, belaboured
the Swedes most lustily in the longest speech that had ever
been heard in the colony, since the memorable dispute of
Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. Having thus given
vent to the first ebullitions of his indignation, he had resort
to his favourite measure of proclamation, and despatched
one piping hot, in the first year of his reign, informing
Peter Minnewits that the whole territory, bordering on the
south river, had, time out of mind, been in possession of
the Dutch colonists, having been " beset with forts, and
sealed with their blood."
The latter sanguinary sentence would convey an idea of
direful war and bloodshed, were we not relieved by the
information, that it merely related to a fray, in which some
half a dozen Dutchmen had been killed by the Indians, in
their benevolent attempts to establish a colony and promote
civilization. By this it will be seen that William Kieft,
though a very small man, delighted in big expressions,
and was much given to a praiseworthy figure in rhetoric,
generally cultivated by your little great men, called hyper-
bole. A figure which has been found of infinite service
among many of his class, and which has helped to swell
the grandeur of many a mighty, self-important, but windy
chief magistrate. Nor can 1 resist in this place, froni
NEW. YORK. 169
observing how much my beloved country is indebted to
this same figure of hyperbole, for supporting certain of
her greatest characters statesmen, orators, civilians, and
divines ; who, by dint of big words, inflated periods, and
windy doctrines, are kept afloat on the surface of society,
: as ignorant swimmers are buoyed up by blown bladders.
The proclamation against Minnewits concluded by or-
dering the self-dubbed governor, and his gang of Swedish
adventurers, immediately to leave the country, under pen-
alty of the high displeasure, and inevitable vengeance of
the puissant government of the Nieuw Nederlandts. This
^ strong measure," however, does not seem to have had a
whit more effect than its predecessors, which had beer?
thundered against the Yankees the Swedes resolutely
held on to the territory they had taken possession of;
whereupon matters for the present remained in statu quo.
That Wilhelmus Kieft should put up with this insolent
obstinacy in the Swedes would appear incompatible with
his valorous temperament;; but we find that about this
time the little man had his hands full, and with one an?
jioyance and another, was kept continually on the bounce.
There is a certain description of active legislators, who,
by shrewd management, contrive always to have a hundred
irons on the anvil, every one of which must be immedi-
ately attended to ; who consequently are ever full of tem-
porary shifts and expedients, patching up the public wel-
fare, and cobbling the national affairs, so as to make nine
holes where they mend one stopping chinks and flaws
with whatever comes first to hand, like the Yankees J
have mentioned stuffing old clothes in broken windows.
Of this class of statesmen was William the Testy; and
had he only been blessed with powers equal to his zeal, or
his zeal been disciplined by a little discretion, there is very
little doubt but he would have made the greatest governor
of his size on record ; the renowned governor of the island
,of Barataria alone excepted.
Y
170 HISTORY OF
The great defect of Wilhelmus Kieft's policy was, that
though no man could be more ready to stand forth in an
hour of emergency, yet he was so intent upon guarding
the national pocket, that he suffered the enemy to break
its head : in other words, whatever precaution for public
safety he adopted, he was so intent upon rendering it
cheap, that he invariably rendered it ineffectual. All this
was a remote consequence of his profound education at
the Hague ; where, having acquired a smattering of know-
ledge, he was ever after a great Conner of indexes, con-
tinually dipping into books, without ever studying to the
bottom of any subject; so that he had the scum of all
kinds of authors fermenting in his pericranium. In some
of these titlepage researches, he unluckily stumbled over
a grand political cabalistic word, which, with his customary
facility, he immediately incorporated into his great scheme
of government, to the irretrievable injury and delusion of
the honest province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and the eter-
nal misleading of all experimental rulers.
In vain have I pored over the Theurgia of the Chal-
deans, the Cabala of the Jews, the Necromancy of the A-
rabians, the Magic of the Persians, the Hocus Pocus of
the English, the Witchcraft of the Yankees, or the Pow-
wowing of the Indians, to discover where the little man
first laid his eyes on this terrible word. Neither the Se-
phir Jezirah, that famous cabalistic volume, ascribed to the
Patriarch Abraham; nor the pages of the Zoheir, contain-
ing the mysteries of the cabala, recorded by the learned
Rabbi Simeon Jochaides, yield any light to my inquiries :
nor am I in the least benefited by my painful researches
in the Shem-hamphorah of Benjamin, the wandering Jew,
though it enabled Davidus Elm to make a ten days' jour-
ney in twenty-four hours. Neither can I perceive the
slightest affinity in the Tetragrammaton, or sacred name
of four letters, the profoundest word of the Hebrew Ca-
bala ; a mystery, sublime, ineffable, and incommunicable.
NEW-YORK. 171
and the letters of which, Jod-He-Vau-He, having been
stolen by the Pagans, constituted their great name Jao, or
Jove. In short, in all my cabalistic, theurgic, necromantic,
magical, and astrological researches, from the Tetractys
of Pythagoras, to the recondite works of Breslaw and Mo-
ther Bunch, I have not discovered the least vestige of an
origin of this word, nor have I discovered any word of suf-
ficient potency to counteract it.
Not to keep my reader in any suspense, the word which
had so wonderfully arrested the attention of William the
Testy, and which in German characters had a particular-
ly black and ominous aspect, on being fairly translated in-
to the English, is no other than ECONOMY a talismanic
term, which, by constant use and frequent mention, has
ceased to be formidable in our eyes, but which has as ter-
rible potency as any in the arcana of necromancy.
When pronounced in a national assembly it has an im-
mediate effect in closing the hearts, beclouding the intel-
lects, drawing the purse-strings, and buttoning the breech-
es-pockets, of all philosophic legislators. Nor are its effects
on the eyes less wonderful. It produces a contraction of
the retina, an obscurity of the chrystalline lens, a viscidity
of the vitreous, and an inspissation of the aqueous humours,
an induration of the tunica sclerotica, and a convexity of
the cornea; insomuch that the organ of vision loses its
strength and perspicuity, and the unfortunate patient be-
comes myopes, or, in plain English, purblind ; perceiving
only the amount of immediate expense, without being able
to look farther, and regard it in connexion with the ulti-
mate object to be effected; " so that," to quote the words
of the eloquent Burke, " a briar at his nose is of greater
magnitude than an oak at five hundred yards distance."
Such are its instantaneous operations, and the results are
still more astonishing. By its magic influence seventy-
fours shrink into frigates, frigates into sloops, and sloops
into gun-boats As the defenceless ships of Eneas, at the
172 HISTORY OF
command of the protecting Venus, changed into sea-
nymphs, and protected themselves by diving; so the mighty
navy of America, by the cabalistic word of economy, dwin-
dles into small craft, and shelters itself in a mill-pond !
This all-potent word, which served as his touchstone in
politics, at once explains the whole system of proclama-
tions, protests, empty threats, windmills, trumpeters, and
paper war, carried on by Wilhelmus the Testy; and we
may trace its operations in an armament which he fitted
out in 164-2, in a moment of great wrath, consisting of two
sloops and thirty men, under the command of Mynheer
Jan Jansen Alpendam, as admiral of the fleet, and com-
mander-in-chief of the forces. This formidable expedition,
Which can only be paralleled by some of the daring cruizes
of our infant navy about the bay and up the sound, was
intended to drive the Marylanders from the Schuylkill, of
which they had recently taken possession, and which was
claimed as part of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts; for
it appears that at this time our infant colony was in that
enviable state so much coveted by ambitious nations ; that
is to say, the government had a vast extent of territory,
part of which it enjoyed, and the greater part of which it
had continually to quarrel about.
Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of great met-
tle and prowess, and no way displayed at the character of
the enemy, who were represented as a gigantic, gunpow-
der race of men, who lived oh hoe-cakes and bacon, drank
mint-juleps and apple-toddy ; and were exceedingly expert
at boxing, biting, gouging, tar and feathering, and a va-
riety of other athletic accomplishments, which they had
borrowed from their cousins-german and prototypes the
Virginians, to whom they have ever borne considerable re-
semblance. Notwithstanding all these alarming represen-
tations, the admiral entered the Schuylkill most undaunt-
edly with his fleet, and arrived without disaster or oppo-
sition at the place of destination^
NEW-YORK. 173
Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech in low
Jt)utch, which the wary Kieft had previously put in his
pocket; wherein he courteously commenced by calling
them a pack of lazy, louting, dram-drinking, cock-fight-
ing, horse-racing, slave-driving, tavern4iaunting, sabbath-
breaking, mulatto-breeding upstarts; and concluded by
ordering them to evacuate the country immediately; to
which they most laconically replied in plain English,
"they'd see him d d first."
Now this was a reply for which neither Jan Jansen Al-
pendam, nor Wilhelmus Kieft, had made any calculation;
and finding himself totally unprepared to answer so terri-
ble a rebuff with suitable hostility, he concluded that his
wisest course was to return home and report progress.
He accordingly sailed back to New- Amsterdam, where he
was received with great honours, and considered as a pat-
tern for all commanders ; having achieved a most hazard-
ous enterprize, at a trifling expense of treasure, and with-
out losing a single man to the state ! He was unanimous-
ly called the deliverer of his country (an appellation libe-
rally bestowed on all great men) ; his two sloops having
done their duty, were laid up (or dry-docked) in a cove
now called the Albany Basin^ where they quietly rotted in
the mud ; and to immortalize his name, they erected by
subscription, a magnificent shingle monument on the top
of Flatten-barrack * Hill, which lasted three whole years,
when it fell to pieces, and was burnt for fire-wood.
* A corruption of Varleth's bergh, or Varieties hill, so called from
one Varleth, who lived upon that hill in the early days of the settle-
ment*
174 HISTORY OF
CHAPTER V,
How William the Testy enriched the province by a multitude of
lam, and came to be the Patron of Lawyers and Bumbailiffs.
And how the people became exceedingly enlightened and un-
happy under his instructions.
AMONG the many wrecks and fragments of exalted wis-
dom which have floated down the stream of time from ve-
nerable antiquity, and have been carefully picked up by
those humble but industrious wights, who ply along the
shores of literature, we find the following sage ordinance
of Charondas, the Locrian legislator: Anxious to pre-
serve the ancient laws of the state from the additions and
improvements of profound " country members," or offi-
cious candidates for popularity, he ordained, that whoever
proposed a new law, should do it with a halter about his
neck, so that in case his proposition was rejected, they just
hung him up, and there the matter ended.
This salutary institution had such an effect, that for
more than two hundred years there was only one trifling
alteration in the criminal code; and the whole race of
lawyers starved to death for want of employment. The
consequence of this was, that the Locrians being unpro-
tected by an overwhelming load of excellent laws, and un-
defended by a standing army of pettifoggers and sheriff's
officers, lived very lovingly together, and were such a
happy people, that they scarce make any figure through-
out the whole Grecian history ; for it is well known that
none but your unlucky, quarrelsome, rantipole nations
make any noise in the world.
Well would it have been for William the Testy, had he
haply in the course of his "universal acquirements,'' stum-
bled upon this precaution of the good Charondas. On the
NEW- YORK. 175
contrary, he conceived that the true policy of a legislator
was to multiply laws, and thus secure the property, the
persons, and the morals of the people, by surrounding
them in a manner with men-traps and spring-guns, and
besetting even the sweet sequestered walks of private life,
with quickset-hedges, so that a man could scarcely turn
without the risk of encountering some of these pestiferous
protectors. Thus was he continually coining petty laws
for every petty offence that occurred, until in time they be-
came too numerous to be remembered, and remained, like
those of certain modern legislators, mere dead letters, re-
vived occasionally for the purpose of individual oppression,
or to entrap ignorant offenders.
Petty courts consequently began to appear, where the
law was administered with nearly as much wisdom and
impartiality as in those august tribunals, the aldermen's
and justices' courts of the present day. The plaintiff was
generally favoured, as being a customer, and bringing
business to the shop ; the offences of the rich were dis-
creetly winked at, for fear of hurting the feelings of their
friends ; but it could never be laid to the charge of the
vigilant burgomasters, that they suffered vice to sculk un-
punished, under the disgraceful rags of poverty.
About this time may we date the first introduction of
capital punishments : a goodly gallows being erected on
the waterside, about where Whitehall stairs are at pre-
sent, a little to the east of the battery. Hard by also
was erected another gibbet, of a very strange, uncouth,
and unmatchable description, but on which the ingenious
William Kieft valued himself not a little, being a punish-
ment entirely of his own invention. *
It was for loftiness of altitude not a whit inferior to
that of Haman, so renowned in bible history ; but the
* Both the gibbets may be seen in the sketch of Justus Danker,
prefixed to the work.
176 HISTORY OF
marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of
being suspended by the neck, according to venerable cus-
tom, was hoisted by the waistband, and was kept for an
hour together, dangling and sprawling between heaven
and earth, to the infinite entertainment, and doubtless
great edification of the multitude of respectable citizens,
who usually attend upon exhibitions of the kind.
It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at be-
holding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars thus swinging
by the crupper, and cutting antic gambols in the air. He
had a thousand pleasantries., and mirthful conceits to utter
upon these occasions. He called them his dandle-lions
his wild-fowl his high-fliers his spread-eagles his
goshawks his scarecrows and finally, his gallows-birds ;
which ingenious appellation, though originally confined
to worthies who had taken the air in this strange manner,
has since grown to be a cant-name given to all candidates
for legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, if we
may credit the assertions of certain grave etymologists,
gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or strapping,
by which our forefathers braced up their multifarious
breeches, and which has of late years been revived, and
.continues to be worn at the present day,
Such were the admirable improvements of Williain
Kieft in criminal law ; nor was his civil code less a mat-
ter of wonderment : and much does it grieve me* that the
limits of my work will not suffer me to expatiate on both
with the prolixity they deserve. Let it suffice then to
say, that in a little while the blessings of innumerable
Jaws became notoriously apparent. It was soon found
necessary to have a certain class of men to expound and
confound them; divers pettifoggers accordingly made
their appearance, under whose protecting care the com-
munity was soon set together by the ears.
I would not here be thought to insinuate any thing de-
rogatory to the profession of the law, or to its dignified
NEW. YORK. 177
members, Well am I aware that we have in this ancient
eity innumerable worthy gentlemen, who have embraced
that honourable order, not for the sordid love of filthy
lucre, nor the selfish cravings of renown, but through no
other motives than a fervent zeal for the correct adminis-
tration of justice, and a generous and disinterested devo-
tion to the interests of their fellow-citizens ! Sooner
would I throw this trusty pen into the flames, and cork
up my inkbottle for ever, than infringe, even for a naiFs-
breadth, upon the dignity of this truly benevolent class
of citizens ; on the contrary, I .allude solely to that crew
of caitiff scouts, who, in these latter days of evil, h,ave j>e?
come so numerous who infest the skirts of the profes-
sion, as did the recreant Cornish knights the honourable
order of chivalry who, under its auspices, .commit their
depredations on society who thrive by quibbles, quirks,
and chicanery ; and, like vermin, swarm most where their
is most corruption.
Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions as
the facility of gratification. The courts of law would
never be so constantly crowded with petty, vexatious,
and disgraceful suits, were it not for the herds pf petti-
fogging lawyers that infest them. These tamper with
the passions of the lower and more ignorant classes ; who,
as if poverty were not a sufficient misery in itself, are al-
ways ready to heighten it, by the bitterness of litigation.
They are in law what quacks are in medicine exciting
the malady for the purpose of profiting by the cure ; apd
retarding the cure for the purpose of augmenting the fees,
Where one destroys the constitution, the other impo-
verishes the purse; and it may likewise be observed, that
a patient, who has once been under the hands of a quack,
is ever after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning himself
with infallible remedies ; and an ignorant man, who has
once meddled with the law, under the auspices of one of
ihese empirics, is for ever after embroiling himself witfe
Z
178 HISTORY OF
his neighbours, and impoverishing himself with success-
ful lawsuits. My readers will excuse this digression,
into which I have been unwarily betrayed ; but I could
not avoid giving a cool, unprejudiced account of an a-
bomination too prevalent in this excellent city, and with
the effects of which I am unluckily acquainted to my
cost ; having been nearly ruined by a lawsuit, which was
unjustly decided against me, and my ruin having been
completed by another, which was decided in my favour.
It has been remarked by the observant writer of the
Stuyvesant manuscript, that under the administration of
Wilhelmus Kieft, the disposition of the inhabitants of
New-Amsterdam experienced an essential change, so that
they became very meddlesome and factious. The con-
stant exacerbations of temper into which the little gover-
nor was thrown, by the maraudings on his frontiers, and
unfortunate propensity to experiment and innovation, oc-
casioned him to keep his council in a continual worry
and the council being to the people at large, what yeast
or leaven is to a batch, they threw the whole community
into a ferment and the people at large being to the city
what the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions
they underwent operated most disastrously upon New-
Amsterdam insomuch, that in certain of their parox-
ysms of consternation and perplexity, they begat several
of the most crooked, distorted, and abominable streets,
lanes, aud alleys, with which this metropolis is disfigured.
But the worst of the matter was, that just about this
time, the mob, since called the sovereign people, like Bal-
aam's ass, began to grow more enlightened than its rider,
and exhibited a strange desire of governing itself. This
was another effect of the "universal acquirements" of Wil-
liam the Testy. In some of his pestilent researches
among the rubbish of antiquity, he was struck with admi-
ration at the institution of public tables among the Lace-
daemonians, where they discussed topics of a general and
NEW-YORK. 179
interesting nature at the schools of the philosophers,
where they engaged in profound disputes upon politics
and morals where grey beards were taught the rudiments
of wisdom, and youths learned to become little men, be-
fore they were boys. " There is nothing," said the inge-
nious Kieft, shutting up the book " there is nothing more
essential to the well management of a country, than edu-
cation among the people ; the basis of a good government
should be laid in the public mind." Now this was true
enough, but it was ever the wayward fate of William the
Testy, that when he thought right, he was sure to go to
work wrong. In the present instance, he could scarcely
eat or sleep, until he had set on foot brawling debating
societies, among the simple citizens of New- Amsterdam.
This was the one thing wanting to complete his confusion.
The honest Dutch burghers, though in truth but little
given to argument or wordy altercation, yet by dint of
meeting often together, fuddling themselves with strong
drink, beclouding their brains with tobacco smoke, and
listening to the harangues of some half a dozen oracles,
soon became exceedingly wise, and, as is always the case
where the mob is politically enlightened, exceedingly dis-
contented. They found out, with wonderful quickness of
discernment, the fearful error in which they had indulged,
in fancying themselves the happiest people in creation ; and
were fortunately convinced, that, all circumstances to the
contrary notwithstanding, they were a very unhappy, de-
luded, and consequently, ruined people !
In a short time the quidnuncs of New- Amsterdam formed
themselves into sage juntos of political croakers, who dai-
ly met together to groan over political affairs, and make
themselves miserable ; thronging to these unhappy assem-
blages with the same eagerness, that zealots have in all
ages abandoned the milder and more peaceful paths of re-
ligion, to crowd to the howling convocations of fanaticism.
We are naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious af-
ISO HISTORt OF
ter imaginary causes of lamentation: like lubberly monks,
we belabour our own shoulders, and seem to take a vast
satisfaction in the music of our own groans. Nor is this
said for the sake of paradox ; daily experience shows the
truth of these observations. It is next to a farce to offer
consolation, or to think of elevating the spirits of a man
groaning under ideal calamities ; but nothing is more easy
than to render him wretched, though on the pinnacle of
felicity ; as it is an Herculean task to hoist a man to the
top of a steeple, though the merest child can topple him
off thence.
In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the philosophic
reader will at once perceive the faint germs of those sapi-
ent convocations called popular meetings, prevalent in our
day. Thither resort all those idlers and " squires of low
degree," who, like rags, hang loose upon the back of so-
ciety $ and are ready to be blown away by every wind of
doctrine. Cobblers abandoned their stalls, and hastened
thither to give lessons on political economy blacksiniths
left their handicraft and suffered their own fires to go out,
while they blew the bellows and stirred up the fire of fac-
tion ; and even tailors, though but the shreds and patches,
the ninth parts of humanity, neglected their own measures,
to attend to the measures of government. Nothing was
wanting but half a dozen newspapers and patriotic editors,
to have completed this public illumination, and to have
throwii the whole province in an uproar !
I should not forget to mention, that these popular meet-
ings were always held at a noted tavern ; for houses of that
description have always been found the most congenial
nurseries of politics ; abounding with those genial streams
which give strength and sustenance to faction. We are
told that the ancient Germans had an admirable mode of
treating any question of importance ; they first deliberated
upon it when drunk, and afterwards reconsidered it when
sober. The shrewder mobs of America, who dislike hav-
NEW-YORK. 181
ing two minds upon a subject, both determine and act up-
on it drunk ; by which means a world of cold and tedious
speculations is dispensed with and as it is universally al-
lowed, that when a man is drunk he sees double; it follows
most conclusively that he sees twice as well as his sober
neighbours.
CHAPTER VI.
Of the great pipe plot and of the dolorous perplexities into whidh
William the Testy was thrown, by reason of his having enlight-
ened the multitude.
WILHELMUS KIEFT, as has already been made mani-
fest, was a great legislator upon a small scale. He was of
an active, or rather a busy mind ; that is to say, his was
one of those small, but brisk minds, that make up by bus-
tle and constant motion, for the want of great scope and
power. He had, when quite a youngling, been impressed
with the advice of Solomon, " Go to the ant, thou slug-
gard, consider her ways and be wise :" in conformity to
which, he had ever been of a restless, ant-like turn, worry-
ing hither and thither, busying himself about little matters,
with an air of great importance and anxiety laying up
wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling and puffing at a
grain of mustard-seed, under the full conviction that he
was moving a mountain.
Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one of his
fits of mental bustle, which he termed deliberation, he
framed an unlucky law, to prohibit the universal practice
of smoking. This he proved, by mathematical demonstra-
tion, to be not merely a heavy tax on the public pocket,
but an incredible consumer of time, a hideous encourager
of idleness, and, of course^ a deadly bane to the prosperi-
ty and morals of the people. Ill fated Kieft ! had he
182 HISTORY OF
lived in this enlightened and libel-loving age, and attempt-
ed to subvert the inestimable liberty of the press, he could
not have struck more closely on the sensibilities of the mil-
lion.
The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the consti-
tutional gravity of their deportment would permit : a mob
of factious citizens had even the hardihood to assemble be-
fore the governor's house, where, setting themselves reso-
lutely down, like a besieging army before a fortress, they
one and all fell to smoking with a determined persever-
ance, that seemed as though it were their intention to smoke
him into terms. The Testy William issued out of his
mansion like unto a wrathful spider, and demanded to
know the cause of this seditious assemblage, and this law-
less fumigation; to which these sturdy rioters made no
other reply, than to loll back most phlegmatically in their
seats, and puff' away with redoubled fiiry ; whereby they
raised such a murky cloud, that the governor was fain to
take refuge in the interior of his castle.
The governor immediately perceived the object of this
unusual tumult, and that it would be impossible to sup-
press a practice, which, by long indulgence had become a
second nature. And here I would observe, partly to ex-
plain why I have so often made mention of this practice
in my history, that it was inseparably connected with all
the affairs, both public and private, of our revered ances-
tors. The pipe, in fact, was never from the mouth of the
true-born Nederlander. It was his companion in solitude,
the relaxation of his gayer hours his counsellor, his con-
soler, his joy, his pride ; in a word, he seemed to think
and breathe through his pipe.
When William the Testy bethought himself of all these
matters, which he certainly did ; although a little too late,
he came to a compromise with the besieging multitude.
The result was, that though he continued to permit the
custom of smoking, yet did he abolish the fair long pipes
NE W-YORK. 133
which were used in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, de-
noting ease, tranquillity, and sobriety of deportment ; and
in place thereof, did introduce little captious short pipes,
two inches in length ; which, he observed, could be stuck
in one corner of the mouth, or twisted in the hat-band,
and would not be in the way of business. By this the
multitude seemed somewhat appeased, and dispersed to
their habitations. Thus ended this alarming insurrection,
which was long known by the name of the pipe plot, and
which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did end,
like most other plots, seditions, and conspiracies, in mere
smoke.
But mark, Oh reader ! the deplorable consequences
that did afterwards result. The smoke of these villainous
little pipes, continually ascending in a cloud about the
nose., penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum, dried
up all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the
people that used them as vapourish and testy as their re-
nowned little governor nay, what is more, from a good
burly race of folk, they became, like our worthy Dutch
farmers, who smoke short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke*-
rdried, leathern-hided race of men.
Nor was this all, for from hence may we date the rise
of parties in this province. Certain of the more wealthy
and important burghers adhering to the ancient fashion,
formed a kind of aristocracy, which went by the appella-
tion of the Long Pipes, while the lower orders, submitting
to the innovation, which they found to be more conveni-r
,ent in their handicraft employments, and to leave them
more liberty of action, were branded with the plebeian
name of Short Pipes. A third party likewise sprang up,
differing from both the others, headed by the descendants
of the famous Robert Chewit, the companion of the great
Hudson. These entirely discarded the use of pipes, and
took to chewing tobacco, and hence they were called Quids.
It is worthy of notice, that this last appellation has since
184 HISTORY OF
eome to be invariably applied to those mongrel or third
parties, that will sometimes spring up between two great
contending parties, as a mule is produced between a horse
and an ass.
And here I would remark the great benefit of these par-
ty distinctions, by which the people at large are saved the
vast trouble of thinking. Hesiod divides mankind into
three classes, those who think for themselves, those who
let others think for them, and those who will neither do
one nor the other. The second class, however, comprises,
the great mass of society, and hence is the origin of party,
by which is meant a large body of people, some few of
whom think, and all the rest talk. The former, who are
called the leaders, marshal out and discipline the latter,
teaching them what they must approve what they must
hoot at what they must say whom they must support ;
but, above all, whom they must hate ; for no man can be
a right good partizan, unless he be a determined and
thorough-going hater.
But when the sovereign people are thus properly bro-
ken to the harness, yoked, curbed, and reined, it is delec-
table to see with what docility and harmony they jog on-*
ward, through mud and mire, at the will of their drivers,
dragging the dirt-carts of faction at their heels. How many
a patriotic member of congress have I seen, who would never
have known how to make up his mind on any question,
and might have run a great risk of voting right by mere
accident, had he not had others to think for him, and a
file leader to vote after.
Thus then the enlightened inhabitants of the Manhat-
toes, being divided into parties, were enabled to organize
dissension, and to oppose and hate one another more ac-
curately. And now the great business of politics went
bravely on; the parties assembling in separate beer-
bouses, and smoking at each other with implacable anir
niosity, to the great support of the state, and emolument
NBW-YORK. 185
of the tavern-keepers. Some, indeed, who were more sea*
lous than the rest, went further, and began to bespatter
one another with numerous very hard names ai)d scanda-
lous little words, to be found in the Duteh language;
every partizan believing religiously that he was serving his
country, when he traduced the character, or impoverished
the pocket of a political adversary. But, however, they
might differ between themselves, all parties agreed ori
one point to cavil at and condemn every measure of go^-
vernment whether right or wrong; for as the governor
was by his station independent of their power, and was
not elected by their choice, and as he had not decided in
favour of either faction, neither of them was interested in
his success, nor in the prosperity of the country while unr
der his administration.
" Unhappy William Kieft J" explaijns the sage writer
of the Stuyvesant manuscript, "doomed to contend with
enemies too knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over a
people too wise to be governed !" All his expeditions $-
gainst his enemies were baffled and set at naught, an(J all
his measures for the public safety were cavilled at by the
people. Did he propose levying an efficient body of troops
for internal defence the mob, that is to say, those vaga-
bond members of the community who have nothing to lose,
immediately took the alarm, vociferated that their interests
were in danger; that a standing army was a legion of
moths, preying on ithe pockets of society ; a rod of iron in
the hands of government ; and that a government with a
military force at its c,ommand, would inevitably swell into
a despotism. Did he, as was but too commonly the case,
defer preparation until the moment of emergency, and then
hastily collect a handful of undisciplined vagrants the
irjeasure was hooted at, as feeble and inadequate ; as trif-
Jing with the public dignity and safety ; and as lavishing
the public funds on impotent enterprises. Did he resort
o the economic measure of proclamation he was laughed
2 A
186 HISTORY OF
at by the Yankees. Did he back it by non-intercourse
it was evaded and counteracted by his own subjects.
Whichever way he turned himself he was beleaguered
and distracted by petitions of " numerous and respectable
meetings," consisting of some half a dozen brawling pot-
house politicians ; all of which he read, and what is worse,
all of which he attended to. The consequence was, that
by incessantly changing his measures, he gave none of
them a fair trial ; and by listening to the clamours of the
mob, and endeavouring to do every thing, he, in sober
truth, did nothing.
I would not have it supposed, however, that he took all
these memorials and interferences good naturedly, for such
an idea would do an injustice to his valiant spirit ; on the
contrary, he never received a piece of advice in the whole
course of his life, without first getting into a passion with
the giver. But I have ever observed that your passionate
little men, like small boats with large sails, are the easiest
upset or blown out of their course ; and this is demonstrated
by Governor Kieft, who, though in temperament as hot
as an old radish, and with a mind, the territory of which
was subjected to perpetual whirlwinds and tornadoes, yet
never failed to be carried away by the last piece of advice
that was blown into his ear. Lucky was it for him that
his power was not dependant on the greasy multitude, and
that as yet the populace did not possess the important pri
vilege of nominating their chief magistrate. They, how-
ever, like a true mob, did their best to help along public
affairs ; pestering their governor incessantly, by goading
him on with harangues and petitions ; and then thwarting
his fiery spirit with reproaches and memorials, like a knot
of Sunday-jockeys, managing an unlucky devil of a hack-
horse : so that Wilhelmus Kieft may be said to have been
kept either on a worry or a hand-gallop, throughout the
whole of his administration.
NEW- YORK. 187
CHAPTER VII.
Containing divers fearful accounts of Border Wars, and the fla-
grant outrages of the Moss-troopers of Connecticut ; with the rise
of the great Amphyctiontc Council of the east, and the decline
of William the Testy.
IT was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, who
were intimately acquainted with these matters, that at the
gate of Jupiter's palace lay two huge tuns, the one filled
with blessings, the other with misfortunes ; and it verily
seems as if the latter had been completely overturned, and
left to deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw Nederlandts.
Among the many internal and external causes of irrita-
tion, the incessant irruptions of the Yankees upon his fron-
tiers were continually adding fuel to the inflammable tem-
per of William the Testy. Numerous accounts of these
molestations may still be found among the records of the
times ; for the commanders on the frontiers were especially
careful to evince their vigilance and zeal, by striving who
should send home the most frequent and voluminous bud-
gets of complaints, as your faithful servant is eternally
running with complaints to the parlour, of all the petty
squabbles and misdemeanours of the kitchen. All these
valiant tale-bearings were listened to with great wrath by
the passionate Kieft and his subjects, who were to the full
as eager to hear, and credulous to believe these frontier
fables, as are my fellow-citizens to swallow those amusing
stories with which our papers are daily filled, about Bri-
tish aggressions at sea, French sequestrations on shore,
Spanish infringements in the promised land of Louisiana,
and, above all, internal plots and conspiracies.
We are told by the good Plutarch, in his life of Nicias,
that the terrible defeat of the Athenians in Sicily was first
188 PIISTORY OF
mentioned in the shop of a gossiping barber at the Piraeus*
Whereupon, with the customary officiousness of his tribe*
he ran up into Athens to have the first telling of the sto-
iy, and threw the whole forum into consternation. Not
being able, however, to substantiate his tale, the unlucky
shaver was put upon the wheel and whirled about, as a re-
ward for his trouble, until he was exculpated by the arriv-
al of other evidence.
Such was the manner in which busy alarmists, and ma-
nufacturers of fearful news were treated in Athens, whereas
in our more enlightened country we support whole herds
of editors for no other purpose, than to gratify a public
appetite for direful news, and any man who can foist up
a full-sounding, hobgoblin story of a plot or conspiracy,
may command his own price for it* I have known two
or three of these tales of terror td be bought up by go-
vernment, for the sovereign people to amuse themselves
withal ; which goes further to prove, What I have before
asserted, that your enlightened people Idve to be miserable.
Fai* be it from me to insinuate, however, that our wor-
thy ancestors indulged in groundless alarms ; on the
contrary, they were daily suffering a repetition of cruel
wrongs, * not one of which but was a sufficient reason,
according to the maxims of national dignity and honour*
for throwing the whole universe into hostility and confu-
sion.
Oh ye powers ! into what indignation did every one of
* From among a multitude of bitter grievances still on record* I
select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my readers to judge, if
our ancestors were not justifiable in getting into a very valiant passion
on the occasion.
24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford haVe taken a hogg out of the
vlact, or common, and shut it up out of meer hate or other prejudice*
causing it to starve for hunger in the stye !
26 July. The foremencioned English did againe drive the Com-
paiiie's hoggs out of the vlact of Sicojoke into Hartford ; contending
NEW-YORK, 189
these outrages throw the philosophic William ! Letter
after letter, protest after protest, proclamation after pro-
clamation, bad Latin) worse English, and hideous low
Dutch, were exhausted in vain upon the inexorable Yan-
kees; and the four-and-twenty letters of the alphabet^
which, excepting his champion the sturdy trumpeter Van
Corlear, composed the only standing army he had at his
command, were never off duty throughout the whole of his
administration. Nor did Anthony, the trumpeter* remain
a whit behind his patron the gallant Kieft, in his fiery
zeal 5 but like a faithful champion and preserver of the
public safety, on the arrival of every fresh article of news,
he was sure to sound his trumpet from the ramparts, with
most disastrous notes, throwing the people into violent
alarms, and disturbing their rest at all times and seasons;
Which caused him to be held in very great regard, the
public pampering and rewarding him, .as we do brawling
editors* for reasons that have just beeil mentioned.
I am well aware of the perils that environ me in this
part of my history. While raking with curious hands but
pious heart, among the mouldering remains of former days*
anxious to draw therefrom the honey of wisdom, I may
fare somewhat like that valiant worthy Sampson, who in
meddling with the carcase of a dead lion, drew a swarm
of bees about his ears. Thus while narrating the many
daily with reproaches, blows, beating the people with all disgrace that
they could imagine.
May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently cut loose
a horse of the honored Companie's, that stood bound upon the com-
mon or vlact.
May 9, 1643. The Companie's horses pastured upon the Compa-
nie's ground, were driven away by them of Connecticott or Hartford,
and the herdsman lustily beaten with hatchets and sticks.
16. Again they sold a young hogg belonging to the Companies
which piggs had pastured on the Companie*s land.
7/tfz. Col. State Pap.
190 HISTORY OF
misdeeds of the Yanokie, or. Yankee tribe, it is ten chances
to one but I offend the morbid sensibilities of certain of
their unreasonable descendants, who may fly out and raise
such a buzzing about this unlucky head of mine, that I
shall need the tough hide of an Achilles, or an Orlando
Furioso, to protect me from their stings.
Should such be the case, I should deeply and sincerely
lament not my misfortune in giving offence, but the
wrong-headed perverseness of an ill-natured generation,
in taking offence at any thing I say. That their ancestors
did use my ancestors ill, is true, and I am very sorry for
it. I would with all my heart the fact were otherwise ;
but as I am recording the sacred events of history, I'd not
bate one nail's breadth of the honest truth, though I were
sure the whole edition of my work should be bought up
and burnt by the common hangman of Connecticut. And
in sooth, now that these testy gentlemen have drawn me
out, I will make bold to go further, and observe, that this
is one of the grand purposes for which we impartial his-
torians are sent into the world to redress wrongs and ren-
der justice on the heads of the guilty. So that though a
powerful nation may wrong its neighbours with temporary
impunity, yet sooner or later an historian springs up, who
wreaks ample chastisement on it in return.
Thus these moss-troopers of the east, little thought, I'll
warrant it, while they were harassing the inoffensive pro-
vince of Nieuw Nederlandts, and driving its unhappy go-
vernor to his wits' end, that an historian should ever arise,
and give them their own, with interest. Since then I am
but performing my bounden duty as an historian, in aveng-
ing the wrongs of our revered ancestors, I shall make no
further apology ; and indeed, when it is considered that I
have all these ancient borderers of the east in my power,
and at the mercy of my pen, I trust that it will be admit-
ted I conduct myself with great humanity and moderation.
To resume then the course of my history. Appearances
NEW. YORK. 191
to the eastward began now to assume a more formidable
aspect than ever; for I would have you note that hitherto
the province had been chiefly molested by its immediate
neighbours, the people of Connecticut, particularly of
Hartford ; which, if we may judge from ancient chronicles,
was the strong hold of these sturdy moss-troopers, from
whence they sallied forth, on their daring incursions, car-
rying terror and devastation into the barns, the hen-roosts,
and pig-styes of our revered ancestors.
Albeit about the year i 643, the people of the east coun-
try, inhabiting the colonies of Massachusets, Connecticut,
New- Plymouth, and New- Haven, gathered together into
a mighty conclave, and after buzzing and debating for
many days, like a political hive of bees in swarming time,
at length settled themselves into a formidable confedera-
tion, under the title of the United Colonies of New- Eng-
land. By this union they pledged themselves to stand by
one another in all perils and assaults, and to co-operate in
all measures, offensive and defensive, against the surround-
ing savages, among which were doubtlessly included Our
honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes; and to give more
strength and system to this confederation, a general assem-
bly or grand council was to be annually held, composed
of representatives from each of the provinces.
On receiving accounts of this puissant combination, the
fiery Wilhelmus was struck with vast consternation, and,
for the first time in his whole life, forgot to bounce, at
hearing an unwelcome piece of intelligence ; which a ve-
nerable historian of the times observes, was especially no-
ticed among the sage politicians of New- Amsterdam. The
truth was, on turning over in his mind all that he had read
at the Hague, about leagues and combinations, he found
that this was an exact imitation of the famous Amphycti-
onic council, by which the states of Greece were enabled
to attain such power and supremacy, and the very idea
192 HISTORY OF
made his heart to quake for the safety of his empire at the
Manhattoes.
He strenuously insisted, that the whole object of this
confederation was to drive the Nederlanders out of their
fair domains ; and always flew into a great rage if any one
presumed to doubt the probability of his conjecture. Nor
was he wholly unwarranted in such a suspicion ; for at the
very first annual meeting of the grand council, held at
Boston, (which governor Kieft denominated the Delphos
of this truly classic league,) strong representations were
made against the Nederlanders, for as much as that in
their dealing with the Indians they carried on a traffic in
" guns, powther, and shott a trade damnable and injuri-
ous to the colonists."* Not but what certain of the Con-
necticut traders did likewise dabble a little in this " dam-
nable traffic," but then they always sold the Indians such
scurvy guns, that they burst at the first discharge and
consequently hurt no one but these pagan savages.
The rise of this potent confederacy was a death blow to
the glory of William the Testy, for from that day forward,
it was remarked by many, he never held up his head, but
appeared quite crest-fallen. His subsequent reign, there-
fore, affords but scanty food for the historic pen we find
the grand council continually augmenting in power, and
threatening to overwhelm the mighty but defenceless pro-
vince of Nieuw Nederlandts ; while Wilhelmus Kieft kept
constantly firing off his proclamations and protests, like a
shrewd sea-captain firing off so many carronades and swi-
vels, in order to break and disperse a water-spoutbut,
alas ! they had no more effect than if they had been SQ
many blank cartridges.
* Haz. Col. S. Tapers.
NEW-YORK. 193
The last document on record of this learned, philosophic,
jbut unfortunate little man, is a long letter to the council
of the Amphyctions ; wherein, in the bitterness of his
heart, he rails at the people of New- Haven, or Red Hills,
for their uncourteous contempt of his protest, levelled at
them for squatting within the province of their high mighti*
nesses. From this letter, which is a model of epistolary
writing, abounding with pithy apophthegms and classic
figures, my limits will barely allow me to extract the fol-
lowing recondite passage:* "Certainly when we heare
the Inhabitants of New- Hartford compteyninge of us, we
seein to he^re IJsop's wolfe coijiplayruDge of the l$mb, or
the .admonition of the younge man, who crye4 opt to his
mother, chideing with her neighboures, < Oh Mother, re^
yile her, lest she first take up that practice against you,'
But being taught by precedent passages, we received sucji
an answer to our protest from the inhabitants of New-
Hay en as we expected : the flagle always despiseth the
Beetle-fly ; yet notwithstanding we doe undauntedly con-
tinue on our purpose of pursuing our own right, by just
arms and righteous means, and doe hope without scruple
to execute the express commands of our superiours." TO
show that this last sentence was not a mere empty njenace,
he concluded his letter, by intrepidly protesting against
the whole council, as a horde of squatters and interlopers;
inasmuch as they held their meeting at New-Haven, or
the Red Hills, whiph he claimed as being within the Prp-
vince of the New Netherlands.
Thus end tfce authenticated chronicles of the reign of
William the Testy ; for henceforth, in the troubles, the
perplexities, and the confusion of the times, he seems to
have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped for evor
through the fingers of scrupulous history. Indeed, for
* Vide 11*2. Col. State Papers,
2B
194 HISTORY OF
some cause or other which I Cannot divine, there appears
to have been a combination among historians to sink his
very name into oblivion ; in consequence of which they
have one and all forborne even to speak of his exploits.
This shows how important it is for great men to cultivate
the favoui* of the teamed, if they are ambitious of honour
and renown. " Insult not the dervise," said a wise Caliph
to his son, " lest thou offend thine historian ;" and many
a mighty man of the olden time, had he observed so ob-
vious a maxim, might have escaped divers cruel wipes of
the pen, which have been drawn across his character.
It has been a matter of deep concern to me, that such
darkness and obscurity should hang over the latter days
of the illustrious Kieft ; for he was a mighty and great lit-
tle man, worthy of being utterly renowned, seeing that he
was the first potentate that introduced into this land the
art of fighting by proclamation, and defending a country
by trumpeters and windmills ; an economic and humane
mode of warfare, since revived with great applause, and
which promises, if it can ever be carried into full effect,
to save great trouble and treasure, and spare infinitely
more bloodshed than either the discovery of gunpowder,
or the invention of torpedoes.
It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of
whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts,
taking the advantage of the mysterious exit of William the
Testy, have fabled, that like Romulus, he was* translated
to the skies, and forms a very fiery little star, somewhere
on the left claw of the crab; while others equally fanciful,
declare that he had experienced a fate similar to that of
the good king Arthur; who, we are assured by ancient
bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy
land, where he still exists, in pristine worth and vigour,
and will one day or another return to rescue poor old
England from the hands of paltry, flippant, pettifogging
cabinets, and restore the gallantry, the honour, and the
NEW-YORK. 195
immaculate probity, which prevailed in the glorious days
of the Round Table,*
All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cob-
web visions of those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which
I would not have my judicious reader attach any credibi-
lity. Neither am I disposed to yield any credit to the as-
sertion of an ancient and rather apocryphal historian, who
alledges that the ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by
the blowing down of one of his windmills; nor to that of
a writer of later times, who affirms that he fell a victim to
a philosophical experiment, which he had for many years
been vainly striving to accomplish ; having the misfortune
to break his neck from the garret window of the Stadt-
house, in an ineffectual attempt to catch swallows, by
sprinkling fresh salt upon their tails.
The most probable account, and to which I am inclined
to give my implicit faith, is contained in a very obscure
tradition, which declares, that what with the constant
troubles on his frontiers, the incessant schemings, and pro-
jects going on in his own pericranium the memorials,
petitions, remonstrances, and sage pieces of advice from
divers respectable meetings of the sovereign people, toge-
ther with the refractory disposition of his council, who
were sure to differ from him on every point, and uniformly
to be in the wrong : all these, I say, did eternally operate
to keep his mind in a kind of furnace heat, until he at
length became as completely burnt out as a Dutch family
*The old Welsh bards believed that King Arthur wasnot[dead, but
carried awaie by the faries into some pleasent place, where he shold
remaine for a time, and then returne againe and reigne in as great
authority as ever. HOLLINGSHED.
The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Bri-
taigne, for certes this is the prophicye of Merlyn, He say'd that his
deth shall be doubteous ; and said soth, for men thereof yet have
double and shullen for ever more for men \vyt not whether that he
lyveth or is dede. DE I EEW. OH RON.
1 9 6 HISTORY OF
pipe which has passed through three generations of hard
smokers. In this manner did the choleric but magnani-
mous William the Testy undergo a kind of animal com-
bustion, consuming away like a farthing rush-light ; so that
when grim death finally snuffed him out, there was scarce
left enough of him to bury !
END OF BOOK FOURTH-
CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF
STUYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYC-
TIONIC COUNCIL.
CHAPTER I.
Ib which the death of a great man is shown to be no very incon*
salable matte?' of sorrow ; and how Peter Stuyvesant ac-
quired a great name from the uncommon strength of his head.
J. o a profound philosopher, like myself, who am apt to
see clear through a subject, whei*e the penetration of or-
dinary people extends but half way, there is no fact more
simple and manifest, than that the death of a great man is
a matter of very little importance. Much as we may
think of ourselves, and much as we may excite the empty
plaudits of the million, it is certain that the greatest among
us do actually fill but an exceeding small space hi the
world ; and it is equally certain, that even that small space
is quickly supplied, when we leave it vacant. " Of what
consequence is it," said the elegant Pliny, " that indivi-
duals appear, or make their exit ? the world is a theatre
whose scenes and actors are continually changing." Ne-
ver did philosopher speak more correctly, and I only won-
der, that so wise a remark could have existed so many
ages, and mankind not have laid it more to heart. Sage
follows on in the footsteps of sage ; one hero just steps out
of his triumphal car, to make way for the hero who comes
after him ; and of the proudest monarch it is merely said,
198 HISTORY OF
that" he slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned
in his stead,"
The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for
their loss, and if left to itself would soon forget to grieve ;
and though a nation has often been figuratively drowned
in tears on the death of a great man, yet it is ten chances
to one if an individual tear has been shed on the occasion,
excepting from the forlorn pen of some hungry author.
It is the historian, the biographer, and the poet, who have
the whole burden of grief to sustain who, kind souls ! like
undertakers in England, act the part of chief mourners
who inflate a nation with sighs it never heaved, and deluge
it with tears, it never dreamt of shedding. Thus, while
the patriotic author is weeping and howling, in prose, in
blank verse, and in rhyme, and collecting the drops of
public sorrow into his volume, as into a lachrymal vase, it
is more than probable his fellow-citizens are eating and
drinking, fiddling and dancing, as utterly ignorant of the
bitter lamentations made in their name, as are those men
of straw, John Doe and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs for
whom they are generously pleased on divers occasions to
become sureties.
The most glorious and praise-worthy hero that ever de-
solated nations, might have mouldered junto oblivion among
the rubbish of his own monument, did not some historian
take him into favour, and benevolently transmit his name
to posterity : and much as the valiant William Kieft wor-
ried, and bustled, and turmoiled, while he had the desti-
nies of a whole colony in his hand, I question seriously,
whether he will not be obliged to this authentic history,
for all his future celebrity.
His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New-
Amsterdam or its vicinity: the earth trembled not, neither
did any stars shoot from their spheres the heavens were
not shrouded in black, as poets would fain persuade us
they have been, on the unfortunate death of a hero the
NEW-YORK. 199
rocks (hard hearted varlets ! ) melted not into tears, nor
did the trees hang their heads in silent sorrow ; and as to
the sun, he laid a-bed the next night, just as long, and
showed as jolly a face when he arose, as he ever did on
the same day of the month in any year, either before or
since. The good people of New- Amsterdam, one and all,
declared that he had been a very busy, active, bustling lit-
tle governor that he was " the father of his country,"
that he was " the noblest work of God" that " he was a
man, take him for all in all, they never should look upon
his like again" together with sundry other civil and affec-
tionate speeches, that are regularly said on the death of all
great men ; after which they smoked their pipes, thought
no more about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to his
station.
Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned
Wouter Van Twiller, he was also the best of our ancient
Dutch governors. Wouter having surpassed all who pre-
ceded him, and Pieter or Piet, as he was sociably called
by the old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to fami-
liarize names, having never been equalled by any succes-
sor. He was in fact the very man fitted by nature to re-
trieve the desperate fortunes of her beloved province, had
not the fates, those most potent, immaculate, and unrelent-
ing of all ancient and immortal spinsters, destined them to
inextricable confusion.
To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him
great injustice he was in truth a combination of heroes;
for he was of a sturdy, raw-boned make, like Ajax Tela-
mon, so famous for his prowess in belabouring the little
Trojans-'-with a pair of round shoulders, that Hercules
would have given his hide for, (meaning his lion's hide,)
when he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was,
moreover, as Plutarch describes Coriolanus, not only ter-
rible for the force of his arm, but likewise of his voice,
which sounded as though it came out of a barrel ; and like
200 HISTORY OF
the self-same warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt
for the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which was
enough of itself to make the very bowels of his adversaries
quake with terror and dismay. All this martial excellency
of appearance was inexpressibly heightened by an accident-*
al advantage, with which I am surprised that neither Ho^
mer nor Virgil have graced any of their heroes ; for it is
worth all the scars and wounds in the Iliad and Eneid, or
Lucan's Pharsalia into the bargain. This was nothing
less than a redoubtable wooden leg, which was the only
prize he had gained, in bravely fighting the battles of his
country ; but of which he was so proud., that he was often
heard to declare he valued it more than all his other limbs
put together ; indeed so highly did he esteem it, that he
had it gallantly enchased and relieved with silver devices,
which caused it to be related in divers histories and legends
that he wore a silver leg. *
Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was somewhat
subject to extempore bursts of passion, which were oft-
times rather unpleasant to his favourites and attendants,
whose perceptions he was apt to quick<en, after the manner
of his illustrious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing
their shoulders with his walking staff.
But the resemblance for which 1 most value him >vas
that which he bore in many particulars to the renowned
Charlemagne. Though I cannot find that he had read
Plato, or Aristotle, pr Hobbes, or Bacon, or Algernon
Sydney, or Tom Paine ; yet did he sometimes manifest a
shrewdness and sagacity in his measures, that one wou!4
hardly .expect from a man, who did not know Greek, and
had never studied the ancients. True it is, and I confess
it with sorrow, that he had an unreasonable aversion to ex-
periments, and was fond of governing his province aft^j?
See the Histories of Masters Josselyn and Blome.
NEW-YORK, 201
the simplest manner ; but then he contrived to keep it in
better order than did the erudite Kieft, though he had all
the philosophers, ancient and modern, to assist and per-
plex him. I must likewise own that he made but very
few laws, but then again he took care that those few were
rigidly and impartially enforced ; and I do not know but
justice on the whole, was as well administered as if there
had been volumes of sage acts and statutes yearly m^de,
and daily neglected and forgotten.
He was, in fact, the very reverse of his predecessors, be-
ing neither tranquil and inert, like Walter the Doubter,
nor restless and fidgetting, like William the Testy ; but a
man, or rather a governor, of such uncommon activity and
decision of mind, that he never sought or accepted the ad-
yice of others; depending confidently upon his single head,
as did the heroes of yore upon their single arms, to work
his way through all difficulties and dangers. To tell the
simple truth, he wanted no other requisite for a perfect
statesman, than to think always right, for no one can deny
that he always acted as he thought ; and if he wanted in
correctness, he made up for it in perseverance An excelr
lent quality ! since it is surely more dignified for a rule*
to be persevering and consistent in error, than wavering
and contradictory in endeavouring to do what is right ;
this much is certain, and it is a maxim worthy the atten-
tion of all legislators, both great and small, who stand
shaking in the wind, without knowing which way to steer.
A ruler who acts according to his own will, is sure of pleas-
ing himself; while he who seeks to satisfy the wishes and
whims of others, runs a great risk of pleasing nobody.
The clock that stands still, and points stedfastly in one dir
rection, is certain of being right twice in the four and twen-
ty hours ; while others may keep going continually, amj
continually be going wrong.
Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the disceri*-
ment of the good people of Nieuw Nederlandts ; on the
2C
202 HISTORY OF
contrary, so high an opinion had they of the independent
mind and vigorous intellects of their new governor, that
they universally called him Hard-koppig Piet, or PETER
THE HEADSTRONG a great compliment to his under-
standing !
If from all that I have said thou dost not gather, wor-
thy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, sturdy, va-
liant, weather-beaten, mettlesome, obstinate, leathern-sid-
ed, lion-hearted, generous-spirited old governor, either I
have written to but little purpose, or thou art very dull
at drawing conclusions.
This most excellent governor, whose character I have
thus attempted feebly to delineate, commenced his admi-
nistration on the 29th of May, 1 647 ; a remarkably stormy
day, distinguished in all the almanacks of the time which
have come down to us, by the name of Windy Friday.
As he was very jealous of his personal and official dignity,
he was inaugurated into office with great ceremony ; the
goodly oaken chair of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller
being carefully preserved for such occasions, in like man-
ner as the chair and stone were reverentially preserved at
Scone in Scotland, for the coronation of the Caledonian
monarchs.
I must not omit to mention, that the tempestuous state
of the elements, together with its being that unlucky day
of the week, termed "hanging day," did not fail to excite
much grave speculation, and divers very reasonable appre-
hensions among the more ancient and enlightened inhabi-
tants ; and several of the sager sex, who were reputed to
be not a little skilled in the mysteries of astrology and for-
tune-telling, did declare outright, that they were omens of
a disastrous administration an event that came to be la-
mentably verified, and which proves, beyond dispute, the
wisdom of attending to those preternatural intimations,
furnished by dreams and visions, the flying of birds, fal-
ling of stones, -and cackling of geese.; on which the sages
NEW-YORK. 20S
and rulers of ancient times placed such reliance; or to
those shootings of stars, eclipses of the moon, bowlings of
dogs, and flarings of candles, carefully noted and inter-
preted by the oracular sybils of our day; who, in my
humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors and preserv-
ers of the ancient science of divination. This much is cer-
tain, that Governor Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of
state at a turbulent period ; when foes thronged and threat-
ened from without ; when anarchy and stiff-necked oppo-
sition reigned rampant within ; when the authority of their
high mightinesses the lords states general, though founded
on the broad Dutch bottom of unoffending imbecility;
though supported by economy, and defended by speeches,
protests, proclamations, yet tottered to its very centre ; and
when the great city of New- Amsterdam, though fortified
by flag-staffs, trumpeters, and windmills, seemed like some
fair lady of easy virtue, to lay open to attack, and ready
to yield to the first invader.
CHAPTER II.
Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself among the
rats and cobwebs on entering into office ; and the perilous mis-
take he was guilty of, in his dealings with the Amphyctions.
THE very first movements of the great Peter, on taking
the reins of government, displayed the magnanimity of his
mind, though they occasioned not a little marvel and un-
easiness among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding
himself constantly interrupted by the opposition, and an-
noyed by the sage advice of his privy council, the members
of which had acquired the unreasonable habit of thinking
and speaking for themselves during the preceding reign ;
he determined at once to put a stop to such grievous abo-
minations. Scarcely, therefore, had he entered upon his
2104 HISTORY Of
authority, than he turned out of office all those meddle-
some spirits that composed the factious cabinet of William
the Testy, in place of whom he chose unto himself coun-
sellors from those fat, somniferous, respectable families,
that had flourished and slumbered under the easy reign of
Walter the Doubter^ All these he caused to be furnished
with abundance of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with
frequent corporation dinners, admonishing them to smoke
and eat and sleep for the good of the nation, while he took
all the burden of government upon his own shoulders
&ri arrangement to which they all gave hearty acquies-
cence.
Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among
the inventions and expedients of his learned predecessor
demolishing his flag-staffs and windmills j which, like
mighty giants, guarded the ramparts of New-Amsterdam
pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of quaker-guns
footing up his patent gallows, where caitiff* vagabonds
were suspended by the waistband ; and in a word, turning
topsy-turvy the whole philosophic, economic, and wind-
mill system of the immortal sage of Saardam.
The honest folk of New- Amsterdam began to quake now
for the fate of their matchless champion Anthony the trum-*
peter, who had acquired prodigious favour in the eyes of
the women, by means of his whiskers and his trumpet*
Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into
his presence, and eyeing him for a moment from head to
footj with a countenance that would have appalled any
thing else than a sounder of brass : " Prythee, who and
what art thou?" said he. " Sire," replied the other, in
no wise dismayed; "for my name, it is Anthony Van
Coiiear for my parentage, I am the son of my mother
for my profession, I am champion and garrison of this
great city of New-Amsterdam." " I doubt me much,"
said Peter Stuyvesant, " that thou art some scurvy costarcL-
monger knave how didst thou acquire this paramount
NEW-YORK. 205
honour and dignity ?" " Marry, Sir," replied the other,
like many a great man before me, simply by sounding my
own trumpet" " Aye, is it so?" quoth the governor,
" why then let us have a relish of thy art." Whereupon
he put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a charge,
with such a tremendous outset, such a delectable quaver,
and such a triumphant cadence, that it was enough to
tnake your heart leap out of your mouth only to be within
a mile of it* Like as a war-worn charger, while sporting
in peaceful plains, if by chance he hear the strains of
martial music, pricks up his ears, and snorts and paws and
kindles at the noise : so did the heroic soul of the mighty
Peter joy to hear the clangour of the trumpet; for of him
might truly be said what was recorded of the renowned
St* George of England " there was nothing in all the
World that more rejoiced his heart, than to hear the plea-
sant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth their
steeled weapons." Casting his eyes more kindly, there-
fore, upon the sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to
be a jolly, fat little man, shrew r d in his discourse, yet o(
great discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway
conceived a vast kindness for him, and discharging him
from the troublesome duty of garrisoning, defending, and
alarming the city, ever after retained him about his per-
son, as his chief favourite, confidential envoy, and trusty
squire. Instead of disturbing the city with disastrous
notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight the gover-
nor while at his repasts, as did the minstrels of yore in the
days of glorious chivalry and on all public occasions to
rejoice the ears of the people with warlike melody; there-
by keeping alive a noble and martial spirit.
Many other alterations and reformations, both for the
better and for the worse, did the governor make, of which
my time will not serve me to record the particulars ; suf-
fice it to say, he soon contrived to make the province feel
that he was its master^ and treated the sovereign people
206 HISTORY OF
with such tyrannical rigour, that they were all fain to hold
their tongues* stay at home* and attend to their business ;
insomuch that party feuds and distinctions were almost
forgotten, and many thriving keepers of taverns and dram-
shops were utterly ruined for want of business.
Indeed the critical state of public affairs at this titne
demanded the utmost vigilance and promptitude. The
formidable council of the Amphyctions, which had caused
so much tribulation to the unfortunate Kieft, still continued
augmenting its forces, and threatened to link within its
union all the mighty principalities and powers of the east.
In the very year following the inauguration of Governor
Stuyvesant a grand deputation departed from the city of
Providence, (famous for its dusty streets and beauteous
women,) in behalf of the puissant plantation of Rhode Is-
land, praying to be admitted into the league.
The following mention is made of this application in
certain records of that assemblage of worthies, which are
still extant.*
" Mr. Will Cottington and Captain Partridg of Rhoode
Hand presented this insewing request to the commissioners
in wrighting
" Our request and motion is in behalfe of Rhoode Hand,
that wee the Ilanders of Rhoode Hand may be rescauied
into combination with all the united colonyes of New-
England in a firme and perpetuall league of friendship
and amity of ofence and defence, mutuall advice and succor
upon all just occasions for our mutuall safety and well-
faire, &c.
Will Cottington,
Alicxsander Patridg."
* Haz, Col Stat. Pap.
NEW-YORK. 207
There is certainly something in the very physiognomy
of this document, that might well inspire apprehension.
The name of Alexander, however misspelt, has been war-
like in every age; and though its fierceness is in some mea-
sure softened by being coupled with the gentle cognomen
of Partridge ; still, like the colour of scarlet, it bears an
exceeding great resemblance to the sound of a trumpet.
From the style of the letter, moreover, and the soldier-like
ignorance of orthography displayed by the noble captain,
Alicxsander Partridg, in spelling his own name, we may
picture to ourselves this mighty man of Rhodes, like a se-
cond Ajax, strong in arms, potent in the field, and as great a
scholar as though he had been educated among that learned
people of Thrace, who, Aristotle assures us, could not
count beyond the number four.
But whatever might be the threatening aspect of this
famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant was not a man to
be kept in a state of incertitude and vague apprehension ;
he liked nothing so much as to meet danger face to face,
and take it by the beard. Determined, therefore, to put
an end to all these petty maraudings on the borders, he
wrote two or three categorical letters to the grand council ;
which, though neither couched in bad Latin, nor yet graced
by rhetorical tropes about wolves and lambs, and beetle-
flies, yet had more effect than all the elaborate epistles,
protests, and proclamations of his learned predecessor put
together. In consequence of his urgent propositions, the
great confederacy of the east agreed to enter into a final
adjustment of grievances and settlement of boundaries, to
the end that a perpetual and happy peace might take place
between the two powers. For this purpose Governor
Stuyvesant deputed two ambassadors to negotiate with
commissiojiers from the grand council of the league, and
a treaty was solemnly concluded at Hartford. On recerw
ing the intelligence of this event, the whole community was
in an uproar of excitation. The trumpet of the sturdy
208 HISTORY OF
Van Coiiear sounded all day with joyful clangour from the
ramparts of Fort Amsterdam, and at night the city was
magnificently illuminated with two hundred and fifty tallow
candles ; besides a barrel of tar, which was burnt before
the governor's house, on the cheering aspect of public afc
fairs.
And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like the great
and good Peter, congratulating himself with the idea, that
his feelings will no longer be molested by afflicting details
of stolen horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all
the other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties, that dis-
graced these border wars. But if he should indulge in
such expectations, it is a proof that he is but little versed
in the paradoxical ways of cabinets ; to convince him of
which, I solicit his serious attention to my next chapter,
wherein I will show that Peter Stuyvesant has already
committed a great error in politics $ and by effecting a
peace, has materially jeopardized the tranquillity of the
province.
CHAPTER IIJ,
Containing various speculations on War and Negotiations
showing that a treaty of peace is a great national evil.
IT was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, Lucre-
tius, that war was the original state of man ; whom he de-
scribed as being primitively a savage beast of prey, engaged
in a constant state of hostility with his own species, and
that this ferocious spirit was tamed and ameliorated by
society. The same opinion has been advocated by the
learned Hobbes, * nor have there been wanting many
other philosophers to admit and defend it.
* Hobbes' Leviathajj, part i. chap. 13.
NEW-YORK, 209
For my part, though prodigiously fond of these valua-
ble speculations, so complimentary to human nature, yet,
in this instance, I am inclined to take the proposition by
halves, believing with Horace,* that though war may
have been originally the favourite amusement anci indus-
trious employment of our progenitors; yet, like many
other excellent habits, so far from being ameliorated, it
has been cultivated and confirmed by refinement and civir
lization, and increases in exact proportion as we approach
towards that state of perfection, which is the ne plus ultra
of modern philosophy.
The first conflict between man and man was the mere
exertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary weapon s-^-
his arm was his buckler, his fist was his mace, and a brpr
ken head the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle
of unassisted strength was succeeded by the more rugged
one of stones and clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary
aspect. As man advanced in refinement, as his faculties
expanded, and his sensibilities b.ecarne more exquisite, he
grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced in the art
of murdering his fellow beings. He invented a thousand
devices to defend and to assault the helmet, the cuirass,
and the buckler, the sword, the dart, and the javelin, prer
pared him to elude the wound, as well as to launch the
blow. Still urging on, in the brilliant and philanthropic
.career of invention, he enlarges and heightens his powers
of defence and injury. The aries, the scorpio, the balista,
and the catapulta, give a horror and sublimity tp war;
and magnify its glory, by increasing its desolation. Still
insatiable, though armed with machinery that seemed to
* Cum prorepserunt primis animalia terris,
Mutum ac turpe pec us, glandem atque cubilia propter,
Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro
Pugnabant armis, quse post fabricaverat usus.
Hor. Sat. L. i.
2 D
210 HISTORY OF
reach the limits of destructive invention, and to yield a
power of injury, commensurate even with the desires of
revenge still deeper researches must be made in the dia-
bolical arcana. With furious zeal he dives into the bow-
els of the earth ; he toils midst poisonous minerals and
deadly salts the sublime discovery of gunpowder blazes
upon the world and, finally, the dreadful art of fighting
by proclamation, seems to endow the demon of war with
ubiquity and omnipotence !
This, indeed, is grand ! this, indeed, marks the powers
of mind, and bespeaks that divine endowment of reason,
which distinguishes us from the animals, our inferiors.
The unenlightened brutes content themselves with the
native force which providence has assigned them. The
angry bull butts with his horns, as did his progenitors be-
fore him the lion, the leopard, and the tyger, seek only
with their talons and their fangs to gratify their sanguinary
fury ; and even the subtle serpent darts the same venom,
and uses the same wiles, as did his sire before the flood.
Man alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes on from
discovery to discovery- enlarges and multiplies his powers
of destruction ; arrogates the tremendous weapons of Dei-
ty itself, and tasks creation to assist him in murdering his
brother worm !
In proportion as the art of war has increased in im-
provement, has the art of preserving peace advanced in
equal ratio ; and as we have discovered in this age of won-
ders and inventions, that proclamation is the most formi-
dable engine in war, so have we discovered the no less
ingenious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual nego-
ciations.
A treaty, or to speak more correctly, a negociation,
therefore, according to the acceptation of experienced
statesmen, learned in these matters, is no longer an at-
tempt to accommodate differences, to ascertain rights, and
to establish an equitable exchange of kind offices ; but a
NEW-YORK. 211
contest of skill between two powers, which shall overreach,
and take in the other. It is a cunning endeavour to ob-
tain by peaceful manoeuvre, and the chicanery of cabinets,
those advantages, which a nation would otherwise have
wrested by force of arms. In the same manner that a con-
scientious highwayman reforms and becomes an excellent
and praise- worthy citizen, contenting himself with cheat-
ing his neighbour out of that property he would former-
ly have seized with open violence.
In fact, the only time when two nations can be said to be
in a state of perfect amity, is when a negociation is open,
and a treaty pending. Then, as there are no stipulations
entered into, no bonds to restrain the will, no specific li-
mits to awaken that captious jealousy of right implanted
in our nature, as each party has some advantage to hope
and expect from the other then it is that the two nations
are so gracious and friendly to each other ; their ministers
professing the highest mutual regard, exchanging billets-
doux, making fine speeches, and indulging in all those lit-
tle diplomatic flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings, that do
so marvellously tickle the good humour of the respective
nations. Thus it may paradoxically be said, that there is
never so good an understanding between two nations, as
when there is a little misunderstanding ; and that so long
as they are on no terms, they are on the best terms in the
world.
I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit of
having made the above political discovery, It has in fact
long been secretly acted upon by certain enlightened cabi-
nets, and is, together with divers other notable theories,
privately copied out of the common-place book of an illus-
trious gentleman, who has been member of congress, and
enjoyed the unlimited confidence of heads of department.
To this principle may be ascribed the wonderful ingenuity
that has been shown of late years in protracting and inter-
rupting negociations. Hence the cunning measure of ap-
HISTORY OF
pbiiiting as ambassador some political pettifogger skilled
in delays, sophisms, and misapprehensions, and dexterous
in the art of baffling argument; or some blundering states-
man j whose errors and misconstructions may be a plea for
refusing to ratify his engagements. And hence, too, that
most notable expedient^ so popular with our government,
of sending out a brace of ambassadors ; who having each
an individual will to consult, character to establish, and
interest to promote, you may as well look for unanimity
and concord between two lovers with one mistress, two
dogs with one bone, or two naked rogues with one pair of
breeches. This disagreement, therefore, is continually
breeding delays and impediments, in consequence of which
the negociation goes on swimmingly, inasmuch as there is
no prospect of its ever coming to a close. Nothing is lost
by these delays and obstacles but time, and in a negocia-
tion, according to the theory I have exposed, all time lost
is in reality so much time gained : with what delightful
paradoxes does modern political economy abound !
Now all that I have here advanced is so notoriously
true, that I almost blush to take up the time of my read-
ers$ with treating of matters which must many a time have
stared them in the face. But the proposition to which I
would most earnestly call their attention is this, that
though a negociation be the most harmonizing of ah 1 na-
tional transactions, yet a treaty of peace is a great political
evil and one of the most fruitful sources of war.
I have rarely seen an instance of any special contract
between individuals, that did not produce jealousies, bick-
erings, and often downright ruptures between them ; nor
did I ever know of a treaty between two nations that did
not occasion continual misunderstandings. How many
worthy country neighbours have I known, who after liv-
ing in peace and good fellowship for years, have been
thrown into a state of distrust, cavilling, and animosity,
by some ill-starred agreement about fences, runs of water,
NEW- YORK. 213
&nd stray cattle. And how many well-meaning nations,
who would otherwise have remained in the most amicable
disposition towards each other, have been brought to
swords' points about the infringement or misconstruction
of some treaty, which in an evil hour they had concluded
by way of making their amity more sure.
Treaties at best are but complied with so long as inte-
rest requires their fulfilment; consequently, they are vir-
tually binding on the weaker party only* or in plain truth,
they are not binding at all. No nation will wantonly go
to war with another, if it has nothing to gain thereby, and
therefore needs no treaty to restrain it from violence ; and
if it have any thing to gain, I much question, from what
I have witnessed of the righteous conduct of nations,
whether any treaty could be made so strong that it could
not thrust the sword through ; nay, I would hold ten to
one, the treaty itself would be the very source to which
resort would be had to find a pretext for hostilities*
Thus, therefore, I conclude, that though it is the best
of all policies for a nation to keep up a constant negoeia-
tioii with its neighbours, yet it is the summit of folly, for
it ever to be beguiled into a treaty ; for then comes on the
non-fulfilment and infraction then remonstrance, theft
altercation, then retaliation, then recrimination, and final-
ly> open war. In a word, negociation is like courtship, a
time of sweet words, gallant speeches, soft looks, and en-
dearing caresses, but the marriage-ceremony is the signal
for hostilities.
214 HISTORY OF
CHAPTER IV.
How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by his adversaries ike
Moss-troopers and his conduct thereupon.
IF my pains-taking reader be not somewhat perplexed,
in the course of the ratiocination of my last chapter, he
will doubtless at one glance perceive, that the great Peter,
in concluding a treaty with his eastern neighbours, was
guilty of a lamentable error and heterodoxy in politics.
To this unlucky agreement may justly be ascribed a world
of little infringements, altercations, negociations, and bick-
erings, which afterwards took place between the irreproach-
able Stuyvesant, and the evil-disposed council of Amphyc-
tions. All these did not a little disturb the constitutional
serenity of the good burghers of Mannahata ; but in sooth
they were so very pitiful in their nature and effects, that a
grave historian, who grudges the time spent in any thing
less than recording the fall of empires, and the revolution
of worlds, would think them unworthy to be inscribed on
his sacred page.
The reader is therefore to take it for granted, though I
scorn to waste in the detail that time which my furrowed
brow and trembling hand inform me is invaluable, that all
the while the great Peter was occupied in those tremen-
dous and bloody contests, that I shall shortly rehearse,
there was a continued series of little, dirty, snivelling,
skirmishes, scourings, broils, and maraudings, made on
the eastern frontiers, by the moss-troopers of Connecticut.
But like that mirror of chivalry, the sage and valorous
Don Quixote, I leave these petty contests for some future
Sancho Panza of a historian, while I reserve my prowess
and my pen for achievements of higher dignity.
Now did the great Peter conclude, that his labours had
NEW-YORK. 215
come to a close in the east, and that he had nothing to do
but apply himself to the internal prosperity of his beloved
Manhattoes. Though a man of great modesty, he could
not help boasting that he had at length shut the temple of
Janus ; and that, were all rulers like a certain person who
should be nameless, it would never be opened again. But
the exultation of the worthy governor was put to a speedy
check, for scarce was the treaty concluded, and hardly
was the ink dried on the paper, before the crafty and dis-
courteous council of the league sought a new pretence for
re-illuming the flames of discord.
It seems to be the nature of confederacies, republics,
and such-like powers, that want the true masculine cha-
racter, to indulge exceedingly in certain feminine panics
and suspicions. Like some good lady of delicate and
sickly virtue, who is in constant dread of having her ves-
tal purity contaminated or seduced ; and who if a man do
but take her by the hand, or look her in the face, is ready
to cry out, rape ! and ruin ! so these squeamish govern-
ments are perpetually on the alarm for the virtue of the
country every manly measure is a violation of the consti-
tution every monarchy or other masculine government
around them is laying snares for their seduction ; and they
are for ever detecting infernal plots, by which they were
to be betrayed, dishonoured, and brought upon the
town."
If any proof were wanting of the truth of these opinions,
I would instance the conduct of a certain republic of our
day, who, good dame, has already withstood so many plots
and conspiracies against her virtue, and has so often come
near being made " no better than she should be." I
would notice her constant jealousies of poor old England,
who, by her own account, has been incessantly trying to
sap her honour, though, from my soul, I never could be-
lieve the honest old gentleman meant her any rudeness.
Whereas, on the contrary, I think I have several times
216 HISTORY OF
eaught her squeezing hands, and indulging in certain amo-
rous oglings with that sad fellow Bonaparte, who all the
world knows to be a great despoiler of national virtue, to
have ruined all the empires in his neighbourhood, and to
have debauched every republic that came in his way; but
so it is, these rakes seem always to gain singular favour
with the ladies.
But I crave pardon of my reader for thus wandering,
and will endeavour, in some measure, to apply the forego-?
ing remarks; for in the year 165J, we are told, that the
great confederacy of the east accused the immaculate Pe-
ter, (the soul of honour and heart of steel,) that, by divers
gifts and promises, he had been secretly endeavouring to
instigate the Narrohigansett, (or Narraganset,) Mohaque, >
and Pequot Indians, to surprize and massacre the Yan-
kee settlements. " For," as the council slanderously ob-
served, " the Indians round about for divers hundred miles
cercute, seeme to have drunke deep of an intoxicating
cupp, att or from the Manhatoes against the English, whoe
have sought their good both in bodily and spirituall re-
spects."
History does not make mention how the great council
of the Amphyctions came by this precious plot ; whether
it were honestly bought at a fair market price, or discovered
by sheer good fortune. It is certain, however, that they
examined divers Indians, who all swore to the fact, as stmv
dily as though they had been so many Christian troopers:
and to be more sure of their veracity, the sage council pre-
viously made every mother's son of them devoutly drunk,
remembering an old and trite proverb, which it is not ne-
cessary for me to repeat.
Though descended from a family which suffered much
injury from the losel Yankees of those times, my great
grandfather having had a yoke of oxen and his best pacer
stolen, and having received a pair of black eyes and a bloody
nose in one of these border wars ; and my grandfather,
NEW-YORK. 217
when a very little boy tending pigs, having been kidnapped
and severely flogged by a long-sided Connecticut school-
master; yet I should have passed over all these wrongs
with forgiveness and oblivion : I could even have suffered
them to have broken Evert Ducking's head, to have kicked
the doughty Jacobus Van Curlet and his ragged regiment
out of doors, carried every hog into captivity, and depo-
pulated every hen-roost on the face of the earth with per-
fect impunity; but this wanton attack upon one of the most
gallant and irreproachable heroes of modern times, is too
much even for me to digest, and has overset, with a single
puff, the patience of the historian, and the forbearance of
the Dutchman.
Oh reader, it was false I swear to thee, it was false !
If thou hast any respect for my word, if the undeviat-
ing character for veracity which I have endeavoured to
maintain throughout this work, has its due weight with
thee, thou wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander ;
for I pledge my honour and my immortal fame to thee,
that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant was not only innocent
of this foul conspiracy, but would have suffered his right
arm, or even his wooden leg, to consume with slow and
everlasting flames, rather than attempt to destroy his ene-
mies in any other way than open, generous warfare. Be-
shrew those caitiff scouts, that conspired to sully his honest
name by such an imputation !
Peter Stuyvesant, though he perhaps had never heard
of a Knight Errant, yet had he as true a heart of chivalry
as ever beat at the round table of King Arthur. There
was a spirit of native gallantry, a noble and generous har-
dihood diffused through his rugged manners, which alto-
gether gave unquestionable tokens of a heroic mind. He
was, in truth, a hero of chivalry struck off by the hand of
nature at a single heat ; and though she had taken no fur-
ther care to polish and refine her workmanship, he stood
forth a miracle of her skill.
2 E
218 HISIUKY U*
But not to be figurative, (a fault in historic writing
which I particularly eschew,) the great Peter possessed,
in an eminent degree, the seven renowned and noble vir-
tues of knighthood, which, as he had never consulted
authors, in the disciplining and cultivating of his mind, I
verily believe must have been implanted in a corner of his
heart by dame Nature herself where they flourished a-
mong his hardy qualities, like so many sweet wild flowers,
shooting forth and thriving with redundant luxuriance
among stubborn rocks. Such was the mind of Peter the
Headstrong, and if my admiration for it has, on this oeca*-
sion, transported my style beyond the sober gravity which
becomes the laborious scribe of historic events, I can plead
as an apology, that though a little, gray headed Dutch-
man, arrived almost at the bottom of the down-hill of life,
I still retain some portion of that celestial fire, which
sparkles in the eye of youth, when contemplating the vir-
tues and achievements of ancient worthies. Blessed, thrice
and nine times blessed be the good St. Nicholas that I
have escaped the influence of that chilling apathy, which
too often freezes the sympathies of age ; which, like a
churlish spirit, sits at the portals of the heart, repulsing
every genial sentiment, and paralyzing every spontaneous
glow of enthusiasm.
No sooner then, did this scoundrel imputation on his
honour reach the ear of Peter Stuyvesant, than he pro-
ceeded in a manner which would have redounded to his
credit, even though he had studied fbr years in the libra-
ry of Don Quixote himself. He immediately despatched
his valiant trumpeter and squire, Anthony Van Corlear,
with orders to ride night and day, as herald, to the Am-
phyctionic council, reproaching them in terms of noble in-
dignation, for giving ear to the slanders of heathen infi-
dels, against the character of a Christian, a gentleman, and
a soldier and declaring, that as to the treacherous and
bloody plot alleged against him, whoever affirmed it to be
NEW- YORK. 219
true, lied in his teeth ! to prove which, he defied the pre-
sident of the council and all of his compeers, or if they
pleased, their puissant champion, Captain Alicxsander
Partridg, that mighty man of Rhodes, to meet him in a
single combat, where he would trust the vindication of his
innocence to the prowess of his arm.
This challenge being delivered with due ceremony,
Anthony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet of defiance be-
fore the whole council, ending with a most horrific and
nasal twang, full in the face of Captain Partridg, who al-
most jumped out of his skin in an ecstacy of astonishment
at the noise. This done he mounted a tall Flanders mare,
which he always rode, and trotted merrily towards the
Manhattoes passing through Hartford, and Pyquag, and
Middletown, and all the other border towns twanging
his trumpet like a very devil, so that the sweet valleys and
banks of the Connecticut resounded with the warlike me-
lody and stopping occasionally to eat pumpkin pies, dance
at country frolics, and bundle with the beauteous lasses of
those parts, whom he rejoiced exceedingly with his soul-
stirring instrument.
But the grand council being composed of considerate
men, had no idea of running a tilting with such a fiery
hero as the hardy Peter^on the contrary they sent him
an answer, couched in the meekest, the most mild and pro-
voking terms ; in which they assured him that his guilt
was proved to their perfect satisfaction, by the testimony
of divers sober and respectable Indians, and concluding
with this truly amiable paragraph. " For youre confi-
dant denialls of the Barbarous plott charged will waigh
little in balance against such evidence, soe that we must
still require and seeke due satisfaction and cecuritie; soe
we rest,
" Sir,
" Youres in wayes of Righteousness, &c."
220 HISTORY OF
I am aware that the above transaction has been differ-
ently recorded by certain historians of the east, and else-
where ; who seem to have inherited the bitter enmity of
their ancestors to the brave Peter and much good may
their inheritance do them. These declare, that Peter
Stuyvesant requested to have the charges against him in-
quired into, by commissioners to be appointed for the pur-
pose ; and yet that when such commissioners were appoint-
ed, he refused to submit to their examination. In this
artful account there is but the semblance of truth ; he did
indeed, most gallantly offer, when that he found a deaf ear
was turned to his challenge, to submit his conduct to the
rigorous inspection of a court of honour but then he ex-
pected to find it an august tribunal, composed of courteous
gentlemen, the governors and nobility of the confederate
plantations, and of the province of New-Netherlands;
where he might be tried by his peers, in a manner worthy
of his rank and dignity whereas, let me perish, if they
did not send to the Manhattoes two lean sided hungry
pettifoggers, mounted on Narraganset pacers, with saddle-
bags under their bottoms, and green satchels under their
arms, as though they were about to beat the hoof from one
county-court to another in search of a law-suit.
The chivalric Peter, as might be expected, took no no-
tice of these cunning varlets ; who, with professional in-
dustry fell to prying and sifting about, in quest of ex parte
evidence ; perplexing divers simple Indians and old wo-
men, with their cross-questioning, until they had contra-
dicted and forswore themselves most horribly, as is too
often done in our courts of justice. Thus having fulfilled
their errand to their own satisfaction, they returned to the
grand council with their satchels and saddle-bags stuffed
full of villanous rumours, apocryphal stories, and outra-
geous calumnies for all which the great Peter did not
care a tobacco-stopper ; but, I warrant me, had they at-
NEW-YORK. 221
tempted to play off the same trick upon William the Tes-
ty* he would have treated them both to an aerial gambol
on his patent gallows.
The grand council of the east held a very solemn meet-
ing on the return of their envoys, and after they had pon-
dered a long time on the situation of affairs, were upon
the point of adjourning without being able to agree upon
any thing. At this critical moment one of those meddle-
some, indefatigable spirits, who endeavour to establish a
character for patriotism by blowing the bellows of party,
until the whole furnace of politics is red-hot with sparks
and cinders ; and who have just cunning enough to know,
that there is no time so favourable for getting on the
people's backs, as when they are in a state of turmoil,
and attending to every body's business but their own.
This aspiring imp of faction, who was called a great po-
litician, because he had secured a seat in council by
calumniating all his opponents : he, I say, conceived this
a fit opportunity to strike a blow that should secure his
popularity among his constituents, who lived on the bor-
ders of Nieuw-Nederlandts, and were the greatest poachers
in Christendom, excepting the Scotch border nobles.
Like a second Peter the Hermit, therefore, he stood
forth and preached up a crusade against Peter Stuyve-
sant, and his devoted city.
He made a speech which lasted six hours, according
to the ancient custom in these parts ; in which he repre-
sented the Dutch as a race of impious heretics, who nei-
ther believed in witchcraft, nor the sovereign virtues of
horse-shoes who left their country for the lucre of gain ;
not like themselves, for the enjoyment of liberty of con-
science who, in short, were a race of mere cannibals and
anthropophagi, inasmuch as they never eat cod-fish on
Saturdays, devoured swine's flesh without molasses, and
held pumpkins in utter contempt.
This speech had the desired effect ; for the council, be-
222 HISTORY OF
ing awakened by the serjeant-at-arms, rubbed their eyes,
and declared that it was just and politic to declare instant
war against these unchristian anti-pumpkinites. But it was
necessary that the people at large should first be prepared
for this measure, and for this purpose the arguments of
the orator were preached from the pulpit for several Sun-
days subsequent, and earnestly recommended to the con-
sideration of every good Christian, who professed, as well
as practised, the doctrine of meekness, charity, and the
forgiveness of injuries. This is the first time we hear of
the " Drum Ecclesiastic " beating up for political recruits
in our country ; and it proved of such signal efficacy, that
it has since been called into frequent service throughout
our union. A cunning politician is often found skulking
under the clerical robe, with an outside all religion, and
an inside all political rancour. Things spiritual and
things temporal are strangely jumbled together, like poi-
sons and antidotes on an apothecary's shelf; and instead
of a devout sermon, the simple church-going folk have
often a political pamphlet thrust down their throats, la-
belled with a pious text from Scripture.
CHAPTER V.
How the New-Amsterdammers became great in arms, and of the
direful catastrophe of a mighty army- together with Peter
Stuyvesant's measures to fortify the city and how he was the
original founder of the Battery.
BUT notwithstanding that the grand council, as I have
already shown, were amazingly discreet in their proceed-
ings respecting the New-Netherlands, and conducted the
whole with almost as much silence and mystery, as does
the sage British cabinet one of its ill-starr'd secret expcdi-
NEW-YORK. 223
tibjw - yet did the ever watchful Peter receive as full and
accurate information of every movement, as does the court
of France of all the notable enterprises I have mentioned.
He accordingly sat himself to work, to render the ma-
chinations of his bitter adversaries abortive.
I know that many will censure the precipitation of this
stout-hearted old governor, in that he hurried into the
expenses of fortification, without ascertaining whether
they were necessary, by prudently waiting until the ene-
my was at the door. But they should recollect that Peter
Stuyvesant had not the benefit of an insight into the mo-
dern arcana of politics, and was strangely bigotted to cer-
tain obsolete maxims of the old school; among which he
firmly believed, that, to render a country respected abroad,
it was necessary to make it formidable at home ; and that
a nation should place its reliance for peace and security,
more upon its own strength than on the justice or good-
will of its neighbours. He proceeded, therefore, with all
diligence, to put the province and metropolis in a strong
posture of defence.
Among the few remnants of ingenious inventions which
remained from the days of William the Testy, were those
impregnable bulwarks of public safety, militia laws ; by
which the inhabitants were obliged to turn out twice a-
year, with such military equipments. as it pleased God ;
an<J were put under the command of very valiant tailors
and man-milliners, who, though on ordinary occasions
the meekest, pippin-hearted little men in the world, were
very devils at parades and court-martials, when they had
cocked hats on their heads, and swords by their sides.
Under the instructions of these periodical warriors, the
gallant train-bands made marvellous proficiency in the
mystery of gunpowder. They were taught to face to the
right, to wheel to the left, to snap off empty firelocks
Without winking, to turn a corner without any great up-
roar or irregularity, and to march through sun and rain
224- H1STUKY OF
from one end of the town to the other without flinching :
until in the end they became so valorous that they fired
off blank-cartridges, without so much as turning away
their heads could hear the largest field-piece discharged,
without stopping their ears, or falling into much confu-
sion; and would even go through all the fatigues and
perils of a summer day's parade, without having their
ranks much thinned by desertion !
True it is, the genius of this truly pacific people was
so little given to war, that during the intervals which oc-
curred between field-days, they generally contrived to
forget all the military tuition they had received ; so that
when they re-appeared on parade, they scarcely knew the
butt-end of the musket from the muzzle, and invariably
mistook the right shoulder for the left a mistake which,
however, was soon obviated, by chalking their left arms,
But whatever might be their blunders and awkwardness,
the sagacious Kieft declared them to be of but little im-
portance since, as he judiciously observed, one campaign
would be of more instruction to them than a hundred pa-
rades ; for though two-thirds of them might be food for
powder, yet such of the other third as did not run away,
would become most experienced veterans.
The great Stuyvesant had no particular veneration for
the ingenious experiments and institutions of his shrewd
predecessor, and among other things, held the militia sys-
tem in very considerable contempt, which he was often
heard to call in joke for he was sometimes fond of a
joke Governor Kieft's broken reed. As, however, the
present emergency was pressing, he was obliged to avail
himself of such means of defence as were next at hand,
and accordingly appointed a general inspection and parade
of the train-bands. But oh ! Mars and Bellona, and all
ye other powers of war, both great and small, what a
turning out was here ! Here came men without officers,
and officers without men long fowling-pieces, and short
NEW-YORK. 225
blunderbusses muskets of all sorts and sizes, some with-
out bayonets, others without locks, others without stocks,
and many without lock, stock, or barrel. Cartridge-boxes,
shot-belts, powder-horns, swords, hatchets, snicker-snees,
crow-bars, and broomsticks, all mingled higgledy piggledy
like one of our continental armies at the breaking out
of the revolution.
This sudden transformation of a pacific community into
a band of warriors, is, doubtless, what is meant in modern
days, by "putting a nation in armour," and "fixing it in
an attitude." In which armour and attitude it makes as
martial a figure, and is likely to acquit itself with as much
prowess, as the renowned Sancho Panza, when suddenly
equipped to defend his Island of Barataria.
The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment with some
such rueful aspect as a man would eye the devil ; but
knowing, like a wise man, that all he had to do was to
make the best out of a bad bargain, he determined to give
his heroes a seasoning. Having, therefore, drilled them
through the manual exercise over and over again, he or-
dered the fifes to strike up a quick march, and trudged
his sturdy boots backwards and forwards, about the streets
of New- Amsterdam, and the fields adjacent, until their
short legs ached, and their fat sides sweated again. But
this was not all: the martial spirit of 'the old governor
caught fire from the sprightly music of the fife, ai^d he re-
solved to try the mettle of his troops, and give them a
taste of the hardships of iron war. To this end he en-
camped them as the shades of evening fell, upon a hill
formerly called Bunker's hill, at some distance from the
town, with a full intention of initiating them into the dis-
cipline of camps, and of renewing the next day, the toils
and perils of the field. But so it came to pass, that, in
the night, there fell a great and heavy rain, which descend-
ed in torrents upon the camp, and the mighty army
strangely melted away before it; so that when Gaffer
g F
226 HISTORY OF
Phoebus came to shed his morning-beams upon the place,
saving Peter Stuy vesant and his trumpeter. Van Corlear,
scarce one was to be found of all the multitude that had
encamped there the night before.
This awful dissolution of his army would have appalled
a commander of less nerve than Peter Stuyvesant; but
he considered it as a matter of but small importance,
though he thenceforward regarded the militia system with
ten times greater contempt than ever, and took care to
provide himself with a good garrison of chosen men, whom
he kept in pay ; of whom he boasted, that they at least
possessed the quality, indispensable in soldiers, of being
water-proof.
The next care of the vigilant Stuy vesant was to strengthen
and fortify New- Amsterdam. For this purpose he caused
to be built a strong picket-fence, that reached across the
island, from river to river, being intended to protect the
city, not merely from the sudden invasions of foreign ene-
mies, but likewise from the incursions of the neighbouring
savages.*
Some traditions, it is true, have ascribed the building
of this wall to a later period, but they are wholly incorrect ;
for a memorandum in the Stuyvesant manuscript, dated
towards the middle of the governor's reign, mentions this
wall particularly, -as a very strong and curious piece of
workmanship, and the admiration of all the savages in the
neighbourhood. And it mentions, moreover, the alarm-
* In an antique view of New-Amsterdam, taken some years after
the above period, is a representation of this wall, which stretched along
the course of Wall-street, so called in commemoration of this great bul-
wark. One gate, called the Land-Poort, opened upon Broad- way, hard
by where at present stands the Trinity Church ; and another called the
Water-Poort stood about where the Tontine Coffee-house is at present,
opening upon Smits Vleye, or as it is commonly called Smith Fly,
then a marshy valley, with a creek or inlet extending up what we call
Maiden-lane.
NEW-YORK. 227
ing circumstance of a drove of stray cows breaking through
the grand wall of a dark night ; by which the whole com-
munity of New- Amsterdam was thrown into a terrible
panic.
In addition to this great wall, he cast up several out-
works to Fort Amsterdam, to protect the sea-board at the
point of the island. These consisted of formidable mud-
batteries, solidly faced, after the manner of the Dutch
ovens, common in those days, with clam shells.
These frowning bulwarks, in process of time, came to
be pleasantly overrun by a verdant carpet of grass and
clover, and their high embankments overshadowed by
wide-spreading sycamores, among whose foliage the little
birds sported about, rejoicing the ear with their melodious
notes. The old burghers would repair of an afternoon to
smoke their pipes under the shade of their branches, con-
templating the golden sun as he gradually sunk into the
west, an emblem of that tranquil end toward which them-
selves were hastening ; while the young men and the dam-
sels of the town would take many a moonlight stroll among
these favourite haunts, watching the silver beams of chaste
Cynthia tremble along the calm bosom of the bay, or light
up the white sail of some gliding bark, and interchange
the honest vows of constant affection. Such was the ori-
gin of that renowned walk, The Battery, which, though
ostensibly devoted to the purposes of war, has ever been
consecrated to the sweet delights of peace the favourite
walk of declining age the healthful resort of the feeble
invalid the Sunday refreshment of the dusty tradesman
the scene of many a boyish gambol the rendezvous of
many a tender assignation the comfort of the citizen
the ornament of New- York and the pride of the lovely
island of Mannahata.
228 HISTORY OF
CHAPTER VI.
tfofv the people of the East country rvert suddenly afflicted with
a diabolical evil and their judicious measures for the extirpa*
lion thereof,
HAVING thus provided for the temporary security of
New- Amsterdam, and guarded it against any sudden sur-
prise, the gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snuff, and
snapping his fingers, set the great council of Amphyctions,
and their champion the doughty Alicxsander Partridg, at
defiance. It is impossible to say, notwithstanding, what
might have been the issue of this affair, had not the coun-
cil been all at once involved in sad perplexity, and as
much dissension sown among its members, as of yore was
stirred up in the camp of the brawling warriors of Greece.
The council of the league, as I have shown in my last
chapter, had already announced its hostile determinations*
and already was the mighty colony of New-Haven and the
puissant town of Pyquag, otherwise called Weathefsfield
famous for its onions and witches and the great trad-
ing house of Hartford, and all the other redoubtable bor-
der towns, in a prodigious turmoil* furbishing up their
rusty fowling-pieces, and shouting aloud for war; by which
they anticipated easy conquests, and gorgeous spoils, from
the little fat Dutch villages. But this joyous brawling was
soon silenced by the conduct of the colony of Massachu-
setts. Struck with the gallant spirit of the brave old Pe-
ter, and convinced by the chivalric frankness and heroic
warmth of his vindication, they refused to believe him
guilty of the infamous plot most wrongfully laid at his
door. With a generosity for which I would yield them
immortal honour, they declared, that no determination of
the grand council of the league, should bind the general
NEW-YORK.
court of Massachusetts to join in an offensive war, which
should appear to such general court to be unjust.*
This refusal immediately involved the colony of Massa-
chusetts, and the other combined colonies, in very serious
difficulties and disputes ; and would no doubt have pro-
duced a dissolution of the confederacy, but that the coun-
cil of Amphyctions, finding that they could not stand a-
lone, if mutilated by the loss of so important a member as
Massachusetts, were fain to abandon for the present their
hostile machinations against the Manhattoes. Such is the
marvellous energy and the puissance of those confedera-
cies, composed of a number of sturdy, self-willed, discor-
dant parts, loosely banded together by a puny general
government. As it was, however, the warlike towns of
Connecticut had no cause to deplore this disappointment
of their martial ardour ; for by my faith though the
combined powers of the league might have been too po-
tent in the end, for the robustious warriors of the Man-
hattoes : yet, in the interim, would the lion-hearted Peter
and his myrmidons have choaked the stomachful heroes
of Pyquag with their own onions, and have given the other
little border-towns such a scouring, that I warrant they
would have> had no stomach to squat on the land, or in-
vade the hen-roost of a New Nederlander for a century to
come.
Indeed there was more than one cause to divert the at-
tention of the good people of the east, froih their hostile
purposes; for just about this time were they horribly be-
leaguered and harassed by the inroads of the prince of
darkness, divers of whose liege subjects they detected,
lurking within their camp, all of whom they incontinently
roasted as so many spies and dangerous enemies. Not to
speak in parables, we are informed, that at this juncture,
the New- England provinces were exceedingly troubled by
* Huz. Col. & Pap.
230 HISTORY OF
multitudes of losel witches, who wrought strange devices
to beguile and distress the multitude ; and notwithstand-
ing numerous judicious and bloody laws had been enacted
against all solem conversing or compacting with the divil,
by way of conjuracion or the like," * yet did the dark crime
of witchcraft continue to increase to an alarming degree,
that would almost transcend belief, were not the fact too
well authenticated to be even doubted for an instant.
What is particularly worthy of admiration is, that this
terrible art, which so long has baffled the painful research-
es, and abstruse studies of philosophers, astrologers, alchy-
mists, theurgists, and other sages, was chiefly confined to
the most ignorant, decrepid, and ugly old women in the
community, who had scarcely more brains than the broom-
sticks they rode upon. Where they first acquired their
infernal education whether from the works of the ancient
theurgists the demonology of the Egyptians the belo-
mancy, or divination by arrows of the Scythians the spec-
trology of the Germans the magic of the Persians the
enchantment of the Laplanders or from the archives of
the dark and mysterious caverns of the Dom Daniel is a
question pregnant with many learned and ingenious doubts;
particularly as most of them were totally unversed in the
occult mysteries of the alphabet.
When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who love
dearly to be in a panic, are not long in want of proofs to
support it. Raise but the cry of yellow fever, and imme-
diately every head-ache, and indigestion, and overflowing
of the bile, is pronounced the terrible epidemic. In like
manner in the present instance, whoever was troubled
with a colic or lumbago, was sure to be bewitched, and
wo to any unlucky old woman that lived in his neigh-
bourhood. Such a howling abomination could not be
suffered to remain long unnoticed, and it accordingly soon
* New Plymouth Record.
NEW-YORK. 231
attracted the fiery indignation of the sober and reflective
part of the community more especially of those, who,
whilome, had evinced so much active benevolence in the
conversion of quakers and anabaptists. The grand coun-
cil of the Amphyctions publicly set their faces against so
deadly and dangerous a sin, and a severe scrutiny took
place after those nefarious witches, who were easily de-
tected by devil's pinches, black cats, broomsticks, and the
circumstance of their only being able to weep three tears,
and those out of the left eye.
It is incredible the number of offences that were de-
tected, " for every one of which," says the profound and
reverend Cotton Mather, in that excellent work, the his-
tory of New England " we have such a sufficient evi-
dence, that no reasonable man in this whole country ever
did question them ; and it will be unreasonable to do it in
any other. 99 *
Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, John
Josselyn, Gent., furnishes us with unquestionable facts on
this subject. " There are none," observes he, " that beg
in this country, but there be witches too many bottle-
bellied witches, and others, that produce many strange
apparitions, if you will believe report of a shallop at sea
manned with women, and of a ship and great red horse
standing by the mainmast ; the ship being in a small cove
to the eastward vanished of a sudden," &c.
The number of delinquents, however, and their magi-
cal devices, were not more remarkable than their diaboli-
cal obstinacy. Though exhorted in the most solemn,
persuasive, and affectionate manner, to confess themselves
guilty, and be burnt for the good of religion and the en-
tertainment of the public, yet did they most pertinaciously
persist in asserting their innocence. Such incredible ob-
stinacy was in itself deserving of immediate punishment,
* Mather's Hist. New-Eng. b. vi. ch. 7.
232 HISTORY OF
and was sufficient proof, if proof were necessary, that they
were in league with the devil, who is perverseness itself.
But their judges were just and merciful, and were deter-
mined to punish none that were not convicted on the best
of testimony; not that they needed any evidence to satisfy
their own minds, for, like true and experienced judges,
their minds were perfectly made up, and they were tho-
roughly satisfied of the guilt of the prisoners, before they
proceeded to try them ; but still something was necessary
to convince the community at large to quiet those pry-
ing quidnuncs who should come after them ; in short, the
world must be satisfied. Oh the world, the world ! all
the world knows the world of trouble the world is eternal-
ly occasioning ! The worthy judges, therefore, were driv-
en to the necessity of sifting, detecting, and making evident
as noon-day, matters which were at the commencement all
clearly understood and firmly decided upon in their own
pericraniums; so that it may truly be said, that the witch-
es were burnt to gratify the* populace of the day, but were
tried for the satisfaction of the whole world that should
come after them !
Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound rea-
son, nor friendly entreaty had any avail on these hardened
offenders, they resorted to the more urgent arguments of
the torture ; and having thus absolutely wrung the truth
from their stubborn lips, they condemned them to undergo
the roasting due unto the heinous crimes they had con-
fessed. Some even carried their perverseness so far, as
to expire under the torture, protesting their innocence to
the last; but these were looked upon as thoroughly and
absolutely possessed by the devil, arid the pious bye-stand-
ers only lamented that they had not lived a little longer to
have perished in the flames.
in the city of Ephesus, we are told, that the plague was
expelled by stoning a ragged old beggar to death, whom
Apollonius pointed out as being the evil spirit that caused
NEW-YORK. , 233
it, and who actually showed himself to be a demon, by
changing into a shaggy dog. In like manner, and by
measures equally sagacious, a salutary check was given to
this growing evil. The witches were all burnt, banished,
or panic-struck, and in a little while there was not an ugly
old woman to be found throughout New England, which
is doubtless one reason why all the young women there
are so handsome. Those honest folk who had suffered
from their incantations gradually recovered, excepting such
as had been afflicted with twitches and aches, which, how-
ever, assumed the less alarming aspects of rheumatisms,
sciatics. andlumbagos; and the good people of New Eng-
land, abandoning the study of the occult sciences, turned
their attention to the more profitable hocus pocus of trade,
and soon became expert in the legerdemain art of turning
a penny. Still, however, a tinge of the old leaven is dis-
cernible, even unto this day, in their characters ; witches
occasionally start up among them in different disguises, as
physicians, civilians, and divines. The people at large
show a keenness, a cleverness, and a profundity of wis-
dom, that savours strongly of witchcraft ; and it has been
remarked, that whenever any stones fall from the moon,
the greater part of them are sure to tumble into New Eng-
land !
CHAPTER VII.
Which records the rise and renown of a valiant Commander ;
showing that a man, like a bladder, may be puffed up to great-
ness and importance by mere wind.
WHEN treating of those tempestuous times, the unknown
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, breaks out into a ve-
2G
234 HISTORY OF
hement apostrophe, in praise of the good St. Nicholas;
to whose protecting care he entirely ascribes the strange
dissensions that broke out in the council of the Amphyc-
tions, and the direful witchcraft that prevailed in the east
country ; whereby the hostile machinations against the Ne-
derlanders were for a time frustrated, and his favourite
city of New- Amsterdam preserved from imminent peril
and deadly warfare. Darkness and lowering superstition
hung over the fair valleys of the east the pleasant banks
of the Connecticut no longer echoed with the sounds of
rustic gaiety direful phantoms and portentous apparitions
were seen in the air gliding spectrums haunted every
wild brook and dreary glen strange voices, made by view-
less forms, were heard in desert solitudes and the border-
towns were so occupied in detecting and punishing the
knowing old women that had produced these alarming ap-
pearances, that for a while the province of Nieuw Neder-
landt and its inhabitants were totally forgotten.
The great Peter, therefore, finding that nothing was to
be immediately apprehended from his eastern neighbours,
turned himself about, with a praise- worthy vigilance that
ever distinguished him, to put a stop to the insults of the
Swedes. These freebooters, my attentive reader will re-
collect, had begun to be very troublesome towards the lat-
ter part of the reign of William the Testy, having set the
proclamations of that doughty little governor at naught,
and put the intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam to a perfect
non plus !
Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already been shown,
was a governor of different habits and turn of mind. With-
out more ado, he immediately issued orders for raising a
corps of troops to be stationed on the southern frontier,
under the command of brigadier-general Jacobus Von Pof-
fenburgh. This illustrious warrior had risen to great im-
portance during the reign of Wilhelmus Kieft ; and if his-
NEW-YORK. 235
tories speak true, was second in command to the hapless
Van Curlet, when he and his ragged regiment were inhu-
manly kicked out of Fort Good Hope by the Yankees.
In consequence of having been in such a " memorable af-
fair," and of having received more wounds on a certain
honourable part that shall be nameless, than any of his
comrades, he was ever after considered as a hero, who had
" seen some service." Certain it is, he enjoyed the unli-
mited confidence and friendship of William the Testy;
who would sit for hours, and listen with wonder to his gun-
powder narratives of surprising victories he had never
gained ; and dreadful battles from which he had run a-
way; and the governor was once heard to declare, that had
he lived in ancient times, he might unquestionably have
claimed the armour of Achilles being not merely like A-
jax, a mighty blustering man of battle ; but in the cabinet
a second Ulysses, that is to say, very valiant of speech,
and long winded all which, as nobody in New- Amster-
dam knew aught of the ancient heroes in question, passed
totally uncontradicted.
It was tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that
heaven had infused into some men at their birth a portion
of intellectual gold; into others, of intellectual silver; while
others were bounteously furnished out with abundance of
brass and iron. Now, of this last class was undoubtedly
the great General Von Poffenburgh, and from the display
he continually made thereof, I am inclined to think that
dame Nature, who will sometimes be partial, had blessed
him with enough of those valuable materials to have fitted
up a dozen ordinary braziers. But what is most to be ad-
mired is, that he contrived to pass off all his brass and
copper upon Wilhelmus Kieft, who was no great judge of
base coin, as pure and genuine gold. The consequence
was, that upon the resignation of Jacobus Van Curlet,
who, after the loss of Fort Goed Hoop, retired like a ve-
236 HISTORY OF
teran general, to live under the shade of his laurels, the
mighty " copper captain " was promoted to his station.
This he filled with great importance, always styling him-
self " commander-m- chief of the armies of the New Ne-
therlands j" though, to tell the truth, the armies, or rather
army, consisted of a handful of hen-stealing, bottle- bruis-
ing raggamuffins.
Such was the character of the warrior appointed by Pe-
ter Stuyvesant to defend his southern frontier, nor may it
be uninteresting to my reader to have a glimpse of his per-
son. He was not very tall, but notwithstanding, a huge,
full bodied man, whose bulk did not so much arise from
his being fat, as windy ; being so completely inflated with
his own importance, that he resembled one of those bags
of wind, which Eolus, in an incredible fit of generosity,
gave to that wandering warrior Ulysses.
His dress comported with his character, for he had al-
most as much brass and copper without, as nature had
stored away within. His coat was crossed and slashed, and
carbonadoed with stripes of copper lace, and swathed round
the body with a crimsoii sash, of the size and texture of a
fishing net, doubtless to keep his valiant heart from burst-
ing through his ribs. His head and whiskers were pro-
fusely powdered, from the midst of which his full blooded
face glowed like a fiery furnace ; and his magnanimous
soul seemed ready to bounce out at a pair of large glassy
blinking eyes, which projected like those of a lobster.
I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie not this
warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to
have seen him accoutred cap-a-pie, in martial array
booted to the middle sashed to the chin collared to the
ears whiskered to the teeth crowned with an overshad-
owing cocked hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inch-
es broad, from which trailed a faulchion, of a length that
I dare not mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about,
NEW-YORK. 237
as bitter looking a man of war as the far-famed More of
More Hall, when he sallied forth, armed at all points, to
slay the dragon of Wantley. *
Notwithstanding all the great endowments and tran-
scendant qualities of this renowned general, I must con-
fess he was not exactly the kind of man that the gallant
Peter would have chosen to command his troops but
the truth is, that in those days the province did not a-
bound, as at present, in great military characters ; who,
like so many Cincinnatuses, people every little village
marshalling out cabbages, instead of soldiers, and signa-
lizing themselves in the corn-field, instead of the field of
battle : who have surrendered the toils of war, for the
more useful but inglorious arts of peace ! and so blended
the laurel with the olive, that you may have a general for
a landlord, a colonel for a stage-driver, and your horse
shod by a valiant " captain of volunteers." Neither had
Peter Stuyvesant an opportunity of choosing, like modern
rulers, from a loyal band of editors of newspapers no
mention being made in the histories of the times of any
such class of mercenaries being retained in pay by govern-
ment, either as trumpeters, champions, or body guards.
The redoubtable General Von Poffenburgh, therefore,
was appointed to the command of the new levied troops,
chiefly because there were no competitors for the station,
and partly because it would have been a breach of military
* Had you but seen him in this dress
How fierce he look'd and how big;
You would have thought him for to be
Some Egyptian Porcupig.
He frighted all, cats, dogs, and all,
Each cow, each horse, and each hog ;
For fear they did flee, for they took him to be
Some strange outlandish hedge-hog."
Ballad of Drag, of Want.
238 HISTORY OF
etiquette, to have appointed a younger officer over his
head an injustice, which the great Peter would have ra-
ther died than have committed.
No sooner did this thrice valiant copper captain receive
marching orders, than he conducted his army undaunted-
ly to the southern frontier ; through wild lands and sa-
vage deserts ; over insurmountable mountains, across im-
passable floods, and through impenetrable forests; en-
countering more perils, according to his own account,
than did ever the great Xenophon in his far famed re-
treat with his ten thousand Grecians. All this accom-
plished, he established on the South (or Delaware) river,
a redoubtable redoubt, named FORT CASIMER, in honour
of a favourite pair of brimstone-coloured trunk breeches
of the governor. As this fort will be found to give rise
to very important and interesting events, it may be worth
while to notice that it was afterwards called Nieuw-Am-
stel, and was the original germ of the present flourishing
town of NEW-CASTLE, an appellation erroneously substi-
tuted for No Castle, there neither being, nor ever having
been, a castle, or any thing of the kind upon the premises.
The Swedes did not suffer tamely this menacing move-
ment of the Nederlanders ; on the contrary, Jan Printz,
at that time governor of New Sweden, issued a protest
against what he termed an encroachment upon his juris-
diction. *But the valiant Von Poffenburgh had become
too well versed in the nature of proclamations and pro-
tests, while he served under William the Testy, to be in
any wise daunted by such paper warfare. His fortress
being finished, it would have done any man's heart good
to behold into what a magnitude he immediately swelled.
He would stride in and out a dozen times a-day, survey-
ing it in front and in rear; on this side and on that.
Then would he dress himself in full regimentals, and strut
backwards and forwards, for hours together, on the top
of his little rampart like a vainglorious cock-pigeon va-
NEW-YORK. 239
pouring on the top of his coop. In a word, unless my
readers have noticed, with curious eye, the petty com-
mander of one of our little, snivelling, military posts, swel-
ling with all the vanity of new regimentals, and the pom-
posity derived from commanding a handful of tatterde-
malions, I despair of giving them any adequate idea of
the prodigious dignity of General Von Poffenburgh.
It is recorded in the delectable romance of Pierce Fo-
rest, that a young knight being dubbed by king Alexan-
der, did incontinently gallop into an adjoining forest, and
belaboured the trees with such might and main, that the
whole court was convinced that he was the most potent
and courageous gentleman on the face of the earth. In
like manner the great Von Poffenburgh would ease off
that valorous spleen, which like wind is so apt to grow
unruly in the stomachs of new made soldiers, impelling
them to box-lobby brawls, and broken headed quarrels.
For at such times, when he found his martial spirit
waxing hot within him, he would prudently sally forth
into the fields, and lugging out his trusty sabre, would
lay about him most lustily, decapitating cabbages by pla-
toons ; hewing down whole phalanxes of sunflowers, which
he termed gigantic Swedes ; and if, peradventure, he es-
pied a colony of honest big-bellied pumpkins quietly bask-
ing themselves in the sun, " Ah, caitiff Yankees," would
he roar, " have I caught ye at last !" so saying, with
one sweep of his sword, he would cleave the unhappy ve-
getables from their chins to their waistbands : by which
warlike havoc, his choler being in some sort allayed, he
would return to his garrison with a full conviction, that
he was a very miracle of military prowess.
The next ambition of General Von Poffenburgh was
to be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well knowing that
discipline is the soul of all military enterprise, he enforced
it with the most rigorous precision ; obliging every man
to turn out his toes, and hold up his head on parade ;
240 HISTORY OF
and prescribing the breadth of their ruffles to all such as
had any shirts to their backs.
Having one day, in the course of his devout researches
in the Bible, (for the pious Eneas himself could not ex-
ceed him in outward religion,) encountered the history of
Absalom and his melancholy end, the general, in an evil
hour, issued orders for cropping the hair of both officers
and men throughout the garrison. Now it came to pass,
that among his officers was one Kildermeester ; a sturdy
veteran, who had cherished through the course of a long
life, a rugged mop of hair, not a little resembling the shag
of a Newfoundland dog ; terminating with an immoderate
queue, like the handle of a frying-pan ; and queued so
tightly to his head, that his eyes and mouth generally
stood ajar, and his eyebrows were drawn up to the top
of his forehead. It may naturally be supposed that the
possessor of so goodly an appendage would resist with
abhorrence an order condemning it to the shears Samp-
son himself could not have held his locks more sacred
and on hearing the general orders, he discharged a tem-
pest of veteran, soldier-like oaths, and dunder and blixums
swore he would break any man's head who attempted
to meddle with his tail queued it stiffer than ever, and
whisked it about the garrison, as fiercely as the tail of a
crocodile.
The eel-skin queue of old Kildermeester became in-
stantly an affair of the utmost importance. The com-
mander-in-chief was too enlightened an officer not to per-
ceive that the discipline of the garrison, the subordination
and good order of the armies of the Nieuw Nederlandts,
the consequent safety of the whole province, and ultimate-
ly the dignity and prosperity of their high mightinesses,
the lords states general, but, above all, the dignity of the
great General Von Poffenburgh all imperiously deman-
ded the docking of that stubborn queue. He therefore
determined that old Kildermeester should be publicly
NEW-YORK. 241
shorn of his glories in presence of the whole garrison
the old man as resolutely stood on the defensive where-
upon the general, as became a great man, was highly ex-
asperated, and the offender was arrested and tried by a
court martial for mutiny, desertion, and all the other list
of offences noticed in the articles of war, ending with a
" videlicet, in wearing an eel-skin queue, three feet long,
contrary to orders." Then came on arraignments, and
trials, and pleadings, and the whole country was in a fer-
ment about this unfortunate queue. As it is well known
that the commander of a distant frontier post has the
power of acting pretty much after his own will, there is
little doubt but that the veteran would have been hanged
or shot at least, had he not luckily fallen ill of a fever,
through mere chagrin and mortification and most flagi-
tiously deserted from earthly command, with his beloved
locks un violated. His obstinacy remained unshaken to
the very last moment, when he directed that he should
be carried to his grave with his eel-skin queue sticking
out of a hole in his coffin.
This magnanimous affair obtained the general great
credit as an excellent disciplinarian, but it is hinted that
he was ever after subject to bad dreams, and fearful visi-
tations in the night when the grisly spectrum of old Kil-
dermeester would stand centinel by the bedside, erect as
a pump, his enormous queue strutting out like the handle.
END OF BOOK FIFTH.
2H
CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OP PETER
THE HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS
ON THE DELAWARE.
CHAPTER I.
In which is exhibited a warlike portrait of the great Peter and
how General Von Poffenburgh distinguished himself at Fort
Casimir.
HITHERTO, most venerable and courteous reader, have
I shown thee the administration of the valorous Stuyve-
sant, under the mild moonshine of peace, or rather the
grim tranquillity of awful expectation ; but now the war-
drum rumbles from afar, the brazen trumpet brays its
thrilling note, and the rude clash of hostile arms speaks
fearful prophecies of coming troubles. The gallant war-
rior starts from soft repose, from golden visions, and vo-
luptuous ease ; where, in the dulcet, " piping time of
peace," he sought sweet solace after all his toils. No
more in beauty's syren lap reclined, he weaves fair gar-
lands for his lady's brows ; no more entwines with flowers
his shining sword ; nor through the live-long lazy sum-
mer's day chaunts forth his lovesick soul in madrigals.
To manhood roused, he spurns the amorous flute; doffs
from his brawny back the robe of peace, and clothes his
pampered limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow,
where late the myrtle waved where wanton roses breathed
enervate love he rears the beaming casque and nodding
HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 243
plume; grasps the bright shield, and shakes the ponder-
ous lance ; or mounts with eager pride his fiery steed,
and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry !
But soft, worthy reader ! I would not have you ima-
gine, that any preux chevalier, thus hideously begirt with
iron, existed in the city of New-Amsterdam. This is but
a lofty and gigantic mode in which heroic writers always
talk of war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing as-
pect; equipping our warriors with bucklers, helms, and
lances, and such like outlandish and obsolete weapons,
the like which perchance they had never seen or heard
of; in the same manner that a cunning statuary arrays a
modern general, or an admiral, in the accoutrements of a
Caesar or an Alexander. The simple truth then of all
this oratorical flourish is this that the valiant Peter Stuy-
vesant, all of a sudden found it necessary to scour his
trusty blade, which too long had rusted in its scabbard,
and prepare himself to undergo those hardy toils of war,
in which his mighty soul so much delighted.
Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagina-
tionor rather, I behold his goodly portrait, which still
hangs up in the family mansion of the Stuy vesants, ar-
rayed in all the terrors of a true Dutch general. His
regimental coat of German blue, gorgeously decorated
with a goodly show of large brass buttons, reaching from
his waistband to his chin. The voluminous skirts turned
up at the corners, and separating gallantly behind, so as
to display the seat of a sumptuous pair of brimstone-co-
loured trunk breeches a graceful style still prevalent
among the warriors of our day, and which is in conformi-
ty to the custom of ancient heroes, who scorned to defend
themselves in rear. His face rendered exceeding terrible
and warlike by a pair of black mustachios ; his hair strut-
ting out on each side in stiffly pomatumed ear-locks, and
descending in a rat-tail queue below his waist ; a shining
stock of black leather supporting his chin, and a little,
244 HISTORY OF
but fierce cocked-hat stuck with a gallant and fiery air
over his left eye. Such was the chivalric port of Peter
the Headstrong ; and when he made a sudden halt, plant-
ed himself firmly on his solid supporter, with his wooden
leg inlaid with silver, a little in advance, in order to
strengthen his position, his right hand grasping a gold-
headed cane, his left resting upon the pummel of his
sword ; his head dressing spiritedly to the right, with a
most appalling and hard-favoured frown upon his brow-
he presented altogether one of the most commanding bit-
ter looking, and soldier-like figures that ever strutted up-
on canvas. Proceed we now to inquire the cause of this
warlike preparation.
The encroaching disposition of the Swedes, on the
south, or Delaware river, has been duly recorded in the
chronicles of the reign of William the Testy. These en-
croachments having been endured with that heroic mag-
nanimity, which is the corner-stone, or, according to Aris-
totle, the left hand neighbour of true courage, had been
repeated and wickedly aggravated.
The Swedes who were of that class of cunning preten-
ders to Christianity, who read the Bible upside down,
whenever it interferes with their interests, inverted the
golden maxim ; and when their neighbour suffered them
to smite him on the one cheek, they generally smote him
on the other also, whether turned to them or not. Their
repeated aggressions had been among the numerous
sources of vexation, that conspired to keep the irritable
sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kieft in a constant fever ; and
it was only owing to the unfortunate circumstance, that
he had always a hundred things to do at once, that he
did not take such unrelenting vengeance as their offences
merited. But they had now a chieftain of a different
character to deal with ; and they were soon guilty of a
piece of treachery, that threw his honest blood in a fer-
ment, and precluded all further sufferance.
NEW-YORK. 245
Printz, the governor of the province of New-Sweden,
being either deceased or removed, for of this fact some un-
certainty exists, was succeeded by Jan Risingh, a gigantic
Swede, and who, had he not been rather knock-kneed and
splay-footed, might have served for the model of a Samp-
son, or a Hercules. He was no less rapacious than
mighty, and withal as crafty as he was rapacious ; so that,
in fact, there is very little doubt, had he lived some four or
five centuries before, he would have been one of those
wicked giants, who took such a cruel pleasure in pocket-
ing distressed damsels, when gadding about the world ;
and locking them up in enchanted castles, without a toilet,
a change of linen, or any other convenience. In conse-
quence of which enormities, they fell under the high dis-
pleasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant
knights were instructed to attack and slay outright any
miscreant they might happen to find, above six feet high ;
which is doubtless one reason that the race of large men
is nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages so ex-
ceeding small.
No sooner did Governor Risingh enter upon his office,
than he immediately cast his eyes upon the important
post of Fort Casimir, and formed the righteous resolu-
tion of taking it into his possession. The only thing that
remained to consider, was the mode of carrying his reso-
lution into effect ; and here I must do him the justice to
say, that he exhibited a humanity rarely to be met with
among leaders, and which I have never seen equalled in
modern times, excepting among the English, in their glo-
rious affair at Copenhagen. Willing to spare the effu-
sion of blood, and the miseries of open warfare, he be-
nevolently shunned every thing like avowed hostility or
regular siege, and resorted to the less glorious, but more
merciful expedient of treachery.
Under pretence therefore, of paying a neighbourly vi-
sit to General Von Poffenburgh, at his new post of Fort
246 HISTORY OF
Casimir, he made requisite preparation, sailed in great
state up the Delaware, displayed his flag with the most
ceremonious punctilio, and honoured the fortress with a
royal salute, previous to dropping anchor. The unusual
noise awakened a veteran Dutch centinel, who was nap-
ping faithfully at his post, and who having suffered his
match to go out, contrived to return the compliment, by
discharging his rusty musket with the spark of a pipe,
which he borrowed from one of his comrades. The sa-
lute indeed would have been answered by the guns of the
fort, had they not unfortunately been out of order, and
the magazine deficient in ammunition accidents to which
forts have in all ages been liable, and which were the
more excusable in the present instance, as Fort Casimir
had only been erected about two years, and General Von
Poffenburgh, its mighty commander, had been fully oc-
cupied with matters of much greater importance.
Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous reply to
his salute, treated the fort to a second, for he well knew
its commander was marvellously delighted with these little
ceremonials, which he considered as so many acts of hom-
age paid unto his greatness. He then landed in great
state, attended by a suite of thirty men a prodigious and
vainglorious retinue, for a petty governor of a petty settle-
ment, in those days of primitive simplicity ; and to the
full as great an army as generally swells the pomp and
marches in the rear of our frontier commanders at the
present day.
The number in fact might have awakened suspicion,
had not the mind of the great Von Poffenburgh been so
completely engrossed with an all-pervading idea of him-
self, that he had not room to admit a thought besides.
In fact he considered the concourse of Risingh's followers
as a compliment to himself so apt are great men to stand
between themselves and the sun, and completely eclipse
the truth by their own shadow.
NEW-YORK. 247
It may readily be imagined how much General Von
Poffenburgh was flattered by a visit from so august a per-
sonage ; his only embarrassment was, how he should re-
ceive him in such a manner as to appear to the greatest
advantage, and make the most advantageous impression.
The main guard was ordered immediately to turn out,
and the arms and regimentals (of which the garrison pos-
sessed full half-a-dozen suits) were equally distributed a-
mong the soldiers. One tall lank fellow appeared in a
coat intended for a small man, the skirts of which reached
a little below his waist, the buttons were between his
shoulders, and the sleeves half-way to his wrists, so that
his hands looked like a couple of huge spades ; and the
coat not being large enough to meet in front, was linked
together by loops, made of a pair of red worsted garters.
Another had an old cocked-hat, stuck on the back of his
head and decorated with a bunch of cock's tails a third
had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging about his heels while
a fourth, who was a short duck-legged little Trojan, was
equipped in a huge pair of the general's cast-off breeches,
which he held up with one hand, while he grasped his
firelock with the other. The rest were accoutred in simi-
lar style, excepting three graceless ragamuffins, who had
no shirts, and but a pair and half of breeches between
them, wherefore they were sent to the black-hole, to keep
them out of view. There is nothing in which the talents
of a prudent commander are more completely testified,
than in thus setting matters off to the greatest advantage ;
and it is for this reason that our frontier posts at the pre-
sent day (that of Niagara for example) display their best
suit of regimentals on the back of the centinel who stands
in sight of travellers.
His men being thus gallantly arrayed those who lack-
ed muskets shouldering spades and pickaxes, and every
man being ordered to tuck in his shirt-tail and pull up his
brogues, General Von Poffenburgh first took a sturdy
248 HISTORY OF
draught of foaming ale, iVhich, like the magnanimous More
of Morehall,* was his invariable practice on all great oc-
casions ; which done, he put himself at their head, ordered
the pine planks, which served as a drawbridge, to be laid
down, and issued forth from his castle, like a mighty giant,
just refreshed with wine. But when the two heroes met,
then began a scene of warlike parade and chivalric courtesy,
that beggars all description. Risingh, who, as I before
hinted, was a shrewd, cunning politician, and had grown
grey much before his time, in consequence of his craftiness,
saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great Von Pof-
fenburgh, and humoured him in all his valorous fantasies.
Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front
of each other; they carried arms, and they presented
arms ; they gave the standing salute and the passing sa-
lute : they rolled their drums, they flourished their fifes,
and they waved their colours they faced to the left, and
they faced to the right, and they faced to the right about :
they wheeled forward, and they wheeled backward, and
they wheeled into echelon: they marched and they coun-
ter-marched, by grand divisions, by single divisions, and
by sub-divisions by platoons, by sections, and by files
in quick time, in slow time, and in no time at all : for,
having gone through all the evolutions of two great armies,
including the eighteen manoeuvres of Dundas ; having ex-
hausted all that they could recollect or imagine of military
tactics, including sundry strange and irregular evolutions,
the like of which were never seen before or since, except-
ing among certain of our newly raised militia the two
great commanders and their respective troops came at
length to a dead halt, completely exhausted by the toils of
" as soon as he rose,
To make him strong and mighty,
lie drank by the tale, six pots of ale,
And a quart of Aqua Vitae."
NEW-YORK, 249
war. Never did two valiant train band captains, or two
buskined theatric heroes, in the renowned tragedies of
Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other heroical and fighting
tragedy, marshal their gallows-looking, duck-legged, hea-
vy-heeled myrmidons, with more glory and self-admiration.
These military compliments being finished, General
Von Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious visitor, with
great ceremony, into the fort ; attended him throughout
the fortifications; showed him the horn- works, crown-
works, half-moons, and various other out- works ; or rather
the places where they ought to be erected; and where
they might be erected if he pleased ; plainly demonstra-
ting, that it was a place of "great capability," and though
at present but a little redoubt, yet that it evidently was a
formidable fortress, in embryo. This survey over, he
next had the whole garrison put under arms, exercised
and reviewed, and concluded by ordering the three bride-
well birds to be hauled out of the black hole, brought up
to the halberts, and soundly flogged for the amusement of
his visitor, and to convince him that he was a great disci-
plinarian.
There is no error more dangerous than for a commander
to make known the strength, or, as in the present case,
the weakness of his garrison ;' this will be exemplified be-
fore I have arrived to an end of my present story, which
thus carries its moral, like a roasted goose his pudding, in
the very middle. The cunning Risingh, while he pre-
tended to be struck dumb outright, with the puissance
of the great Von Poffenburgh, took silent note of the in-
competency of his garrison, of which he gave a hint to his
trusty followers, who tipped each other the wink, and
laughed most obstreperously in their sleeves.
The inspection, review, and flogging being concluded,
the party adjourned to the table ; for among his other
great qualities, the general was remarkably addicted to huge
entertainments, or rather carousals ; and in one afternoon's
2 I
250 HISTORY OF
campaign would leave more dead men on the field, than
he ever did in the whole course of his military career.
Many bulletins of these bloodless victories do still remain
on record; and the whole province was once thrown in
amaze, by the return of one of his campaigns ; wherein it
was stated, that though, like Captain Bobadil, he had only
twenty men to back him, yet, in the short space of six
months, he had conquered and utterly annihilated sixty
oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred sheep, ten thousand cab-
bages, one thousand bushels of potatoes, one hundred and
fifty kilderkins of small beer, two thousand seven hun-
dred and thirty-five pipesj seventy-eight pounds of sugar-
plums, and forty bars of iron, besides sundry small meats,
game, poultry, and garden-stuff. An achievement unpar-
alleled since the days of Pantagruel, and his all-devouring
army ; and which showed that it was only necessary to let
bellipotent Von Poffenburgh and his garrison loose in an
enemy's country, and in a little while they would breed a
famine, and starve all the inhabitants.
No sooner, therefore, had the general received the first
intimation of the visit of Governor Risingh, than he or-
dered a great dinner to be prepared ; and privately sent
out a detachment of his most experienced veterans, to rob
all the hen-roosts in the neighbourhood, and lay the pig-
styes under contribution a service to which they had
been long inured, and which they discharged with such
incredible zeal and promptitude, that the garrison-table
groaned under the weight of their spoils.
I wish, with all my heart, my readers could see the val-
iant Von Poffenburgh, as he presided at the head of the
banquet. It was a sight worth beholding : there he sat,
in his greatest glory, surrounded by his soldiers, like that
famous wine-bibber, Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he
did most ably imitate ; telling astounding stories of his
hair-breadth adventures and heroic exploits, at which,
though all his auditors knew them to be most incontinent
NEW-YORK. 251
and outrageous gasconadoes, yet did they cast up their
eyes in admiration, and utter many interjections of aston-
ishment. Nor could the general pronounce any thing that
bore the remotest semblance to a joke, but the stout Ri-
singh would strike his brawny fist upon the table, till every
glass rattled again, throwing himself back in his chair,
and uttering gigantic peals of laughter, swearing most
horribly it was the best joke he ever heard in his life.
Thus all was rout and revelry and hideous carousal within
Fort Casimir ; and so lustily did Von Poffenburgh ply the
bottle, that in less than four short hours he made himself
and his whole garrison, who all sedulously emulated the
deeds of their chieftain, dead drunk, in singing songs,
quaffing bumpers, and drinking patriotic toasts, none of
which but was as long as a Welsh pedigree, or a plea in
chancery.
No sooner did things come to this pass, than the crafty
Risingh and his Swedes, who had cunningly kept them-
selves sober, rose on their entertainers, tied them neck and
heels, and took formal possession of the fort, and all its
dependencies, in the name of Queen Christina of Sweden ;
administering, at the same time, an oath of allegiance to
all the Dutch soldiers who could be made sober enough
to swallow it. Risingh then put the fortifications in or-
der, appointed his discreet and vigilant friend Suen Scutz,
a tall, wind-dried, water-drinking Swede, to the command ;
and departed, bearing with him this truly amiable garri-
son and their puissant commander, who, when brought
to himself by a sound drubbing, bore no little resemblance
to a " deboshed fish," or bloated sea-monster, caught upon
dry land.
The transportation of the garrison was done to prevent
the transmission of intelligence to New- Amsterdam ; for
much as the cunning Risingh exulted in his stratagem, he
dreaded the vengeance of the sturdy Peter Stuyvesant,
whose name spread as much terror in the neighbourhood,
252 HISTORY OF
as did whilome that of the unconquerable Scanderbeg a-
mong his scurvy enemies the Turks.
CHAPTER II.
Showing how profound secrets are often brought to light ; with
the proceedings of Peter the Headstrong, rvhen he heard of the
misfortune of General Von Pojfenburgh.
WHOEVER first described common fame, or rumour, as
belonging to the sager sex, was a very owl for shrewdness.
She has in truth certain feminine qualities to an astonish-
ing degree; particularly that benevolent anxiety to take
care of the affairs of others, which keeps her continually
hunting after secrets, and gadding about proclaiming them.
Whatever is done openly, and in the face of the world,
she takes but transient notice of; but whenever a transac-
tion is done in a corner, and attempted to be shrouded in
mystery, then her goddesship is at her wit's end to find it
out, and takes a most mischievous and lady-like pleasure
in publishing it to the world. It is this truly feminine
propensity that induces her continually to be prying into
cabinets of princes, listening at the key-holes of senate-
chambers, and peering through chinks and crannies, when
our worthy congress are sitting with closed doors, delibe-
rating between a dozen excellent modes of ruining the na-
tion. It is this which makes her so obnoxious to all wary
statesmen and intriguing commanders such a stumbling-
block to private negociations and secret expeditions, which
she often betrays by means and instruments which never
would have been thought of by any but a female head.
Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Casimir.
No doubt the cunning Risingh imagined that, by securing
the garrison, he should for a long time prevent the history
of its fate from reaching the ears of the gallant Stuyvesant ;
NEW-YORK. 253
but his exploit was blown to the world when he least ex-
pected it, and by one of the last beings he would ever
have suspected of enlisting as trumpeter to the wide-
mouthed deity.
This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker), a kind of
hanger-on to the garrison, who seemed to belong to no-
body, and in a manner to be self-outlawed. He was one
of those vagabond cosmopolites, who shark about the
world, as if they had no right or business in it ; and who
infest the skirts of society, like poachers and interlopers.
Every garrison and country village has one or more scape-
goats of this kind, whose life is a kind of enigma, whose
existence is without motive, who comes from the Lord
knows where, who lives the Lord knows how, and seems
to be made for no other earthly purpose but to keep up
the ancient and honourable order of idleness. This va-
grant philosopher was supposed to have some Indian blood
in his veins, which was manifested by a certain Indian
complexion and cast of countenance ; but more especially
by his propensities and habits. He was a tall, lank fellow,
swift of foot, and long-winded. He was generally equip-
ped in a half Indian dress, with belt, leggings, and moc-
casons. His hair hung in strait gallows-locks about his
ears, and added not a little to his sharking demeanour. It
is an old remark, that persons of Indian mixture are half
civilized, half savage, and half devil ; a third half being
expressly provided for their particular convenience. It
is for similar reasons, and probably with equal truth,
that the back-wood men of Kentucky are styled half man,
half horse, and half alligator, by the settlers on the Mis-
sissippi, and held accordingly in great respect and abhor-
rence.
The above character may have presented itself to the
garrison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, whom they fami-
liarly dubbed Gallows Dirk. Certain it is, he acknow-
ledged allegiance to no one- was an utter enemy to work,
254 HISTORY OF
holding it in no manner of estimation but lounged about
the fort, depending upon chance for a subsistence, getting
drunk whenever he could get liquor, and stealing what-
ever he could lay his hands on. Every day or two he
was sure to get a sound rib-roasting for some of his mis-
demeanours, which, however, as it broke no bones, he
made very light of, and scrupled not to repeat the offence
whenever another opportunity presented. Sometimes, in
consequence of some flagrant villany, he would abscond
from the garrison, and be absent for a month at a time ;
skulking about the woods and swamps, with a long fowl-
ing-piece on his shoulder, laying in ambush for game, or
squatting himself down on the edge of a pond catching
fish for hours together, and bearing no little resemblance
to that notable bird ycleped the Mud-poke. When he
thought his crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he
he would sneak back to the fort with a bundle of skins,
or a bunch of poultry, which perchance he had stolen,
and would exchange them for liquor, with which, having
well soaked his carcass, he would lay in the sun and en-
joy all the luxurious indolence of that swinish .philosopher
Diogenes. He was the terror of all the farm-yards in the
country, into which he made fearful inroads ; and some-
times he would make his sudden appearance at the garri-
son at daybreak, with the whole neighbourhood at his
heels, like a scoundrel thief of a fox, detected in his ma-
raudings, and hunted to his hole. Such was this Dirk
Schuiler ; and from the total indifference he showed to
the world or its concerns, and from his truly Indian stoi-
cism and taciturnity, no one would ever have dreamt that
he would have been the publisher of the treachery of Ri-
singh.
When the carousal was going on, which proved so fa-
tal to the brave Von Poffenburgh and his watchful garri-
son, Dirk skulked about from room to room, being a kind
of privileged vagrant or useless hound, whom nobody no-
NEW-YORK. 255
ticed. But though a fellow of few words, yet like your
taciturn people, his eyes and ears were always open, and
in the course of his prowlings he overheard the whole plot
of the Swedes. Dirk immediately settled in his own mind
how he should turn the matter to his own advantage. He
played the perfect jack-of-both-sides ; that is to say, he
made a prize of every thing that came in his reach, rob-
bed both parties, stuck the copper-bound cocked-hat of
the puissant Von Poffenburgh on his head, whipped a
huge pair of Risingh's jackboots under his arm, and took
to his heels, just before the catastrophe and confusion at
the garrison.
Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt
in this quarter, he directed his flight towards his native
place, New- Amsterdam, from whence he had formerly
been obliged to abscond precipitately, in consequence of
misfortune in business, that is to say, having been detec-
ted in the act of sheep-stealing. After wandering many
days in the woods, toiling through swamps, fording
brooks, swimming various rivers, and encountering a
world of hardships, that would have killed any other be-
ing but an Indian, a back-wood man, or the devil ; he at
length arrived, half-famished, and lank as a starved wea-
sel, at Communipaw, where he stole a carioe, and pad-
dled over to New- Amsterdam. Immediately on landing,
he repaired to Governor Stuyvesant, and in more words
than he had ever spoken before in the whole course of his
life^ gave an account of the disastrous affair.
On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant Peter
started from his seat, as did the stout King Arthur when
at " merry Carleile," the news was brought him of the
uncourteous misdeeds of the " grim barone" without ut-
tering a word, he dashed the pipe he was smoking against
the back of the chimney, thrust a prodigious quid of ne-
gro-head tobacco into his left cheek, pulled up his galli-
gaskins, and strode up and down the room, humming, as
256 HISTORY OF
was customary with him when in a passion, a hideous
north-west ditty. But, as I have before shown, he was
not a man to vent his spleen in idle vapouring. His first
measure after the paroxysm of wrath had subsided, was
to stump up stairs, to a huge wooden chest, which served
as his armoury, from whence he drew forth that identical
suit of regimentals described in the preceding chapter.
In these portentous habiliments he arrayed himself, like
Achilles in the armour of Vulcan, maintaining all the
while a most appalling silence, knitting his brows, and
drawing his breath through his clinched teeth. Being
hastily equipped, he strode down into the parlour, jerked
down his trusty sword from over the fireplace, where it
was usually suspended ; but before he girded it on his
thigh he drew it from its scabbard, and as his eye cours-
ed along the rusty blade, a grim smile stole over his iron
visage. It was the first smile that had visited his coun-
tenance for five long weeks ; but every one who beheld
it, prophesied that there would soon be warm work in the
province !
Thus armed at all points, with grisly war depicted in
each feature, his very cocked-hat assuming an air of un-
common defiance, he instantly put himself on the alert,
and despatched Anthony Van Corlear hither and thither,
this way and that way, through all the muddy streets and
crooked lanes of the city, summoning by sound of trum-
pet his trusty peers to assemble in instant council. This
done, by way of expediting matters, according to the cus-
tom of people in a hurry, he kept in continual bustle,
shifting from chair to chair, popping his head out of every
window, and stumping up and down stairs with his wood-
en leg in such brisk and incessant motion, that, as we are
informed by an authentic historian of the times, the con-
tinual clatter bore no small resemblance to the music of a
cooper hooping a flour barrel.
A summons so peremptory, and from a man of the go-
NEW-YORK. 257
yernorY mettle, was not to be trifled with; the sages
forthwith repaired to the council chamber, where the gal-
lant Stuyvesant entered in martial style, and took his
chair, like another Charlemagne among his Paladins.
The counsellors seated themselves with the utmost tran?.
quillity, and lighting their long pipes, gazed with unruf-
fled composure on his excellency and his regimentals;
being, as all counsellors should be, not easily flustered,
or taken by surprise. The governor, looking around for
a moment with a lofty and soldierlike air, and resting one
hand on the pummel of his sword, and flinging the other
forth, in a free and spirited manner, addressed them in a
short, but soul-stirring harangue.
I am extremely sorry that I have not the advantages of
Livy, Thucydides, Plutarch, and others of my predeces-*
sors, who were furnished, as I am told, with the speeches
of all their great emperors, generals, and orators, taken
down in short-hand, by the most accurate stenographers
of the time ; whereby they were enabled wonderfully to
enrich their histories, and delight their readers with su-
blime strains of eloquence. Not having such important
auxiliaries, I cannot possibly pronounce what was the
tenor of Governor Stuyvesant's speech. Whether he
with maiden coyness hinted to his hearers, that " there
was a speck of war in the horizon ;" that it would be ne-
cessary tp resort to the " unprofitable trial of which could
do each other the most harm," or any other delicate
contraction of language, whereby the odious subject of
war is handled so fastidiously by modern statesmen ; as a
gentleman volunteer handles his filthy saltpetre weapons
with gloves, lest he should soil his dainty fingers.
I am bold, however, to say, from the tenor of Peter
Stuyvesant's character, that he did not wrap his rugged
subject in silks and ermines, and other sickly trickeries
of phrase; but spoke forth, like a man of nerve and vi-r
$cmr, who scorned to shrink in words, from those dan?
9 K
258 HISTORY OF
gers which he stood ready to encounter in very deed.
This much is certain, that he concluded by announcing
his determination bf leading on his troops in person, and
routing these costardmonger Swedes, from their usurped
quarters at Fort Casimir. To this hardy resolution, such
of his council as were awake gave their usual signal of
concurrence, and as to the rest, who had fallen asleep a-
bout the middle of the harangue (their " usual custom in
the afternoon") they made not the least objection.
And now was seen in the fair city of New.- Amsterdam,
a prodigious bustle and preparation for iron war. Re-
cruiting parties marched hither and thither, calling lustily
upon all the scrubs, the runagates, and tatterdemalions of
the Manhattoes and its vicinity, who had any ambition of
sixpence a-day, and immortal fame into the bargain, to
enlist in the cause of glory. For I would have you note,
that your warlike heroes who trudge in the rear of con-
querors, are generally of that illustrious class of gentle-
men, who are equal candidates for the army or the bride-
well the halberts or the whipping-post: for whom dame
fortune has cast an even die, whether they shall make
their exit by the sword or the halter ; and whose deaths
shall, at all events, be a lofty example to their country-
men.
But notwithstanding all this martial rout and invita-
tion, the ranks of honour were but scantily supplied ; so
averse were the peaceful burghers of New- Amsterdam
from enlisting in foreign broils, or stirring beyond that
home, which rounded all their earthly ideas. Upon be-
holding this, the great Peter, whose noble heart was all
on fire with war and sweet revenge, determined to wait
no longer for the tardy assistance of these oily citizens,
but to muster up his merry men of the Hudson ; who,
brought up among woods and wilds and savage beasts,
like our yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in nothing so
much as desperate adventures and perilous expeditions
NEW-YORK. 259
through the wilderness. Thus resolving, he ordered his
trusty squire, Anthony Van Corlear, to have his state
galley prepared and duly victualled; which being per-
formed, he attended public service at the great church of
St. Nicholas, like a true and pious governor, and then
leaving peremptory orders with his council to have the
chivalry of the Manhattoes marshalled out and appointed
against his return, departed upon his recruiting voyage
up the waters of the Hudson.
CHAPTER III.
Containing Peter Stuyvesant's voyage up the Hudson, and the
wonders and delights of that renowned river.
Now did the soft breezes of the south steal sweetly over
the beauteous face of nature, tempering the panting heats
of summer into genial and prolific warmth : when that
miracle of hardihood and chivalric virtue, the dauntless
Peter Stuyvesant, spread his canvas to the wind, and de-
parted from the fair island of Mannahata. The galley in
which he embarked was sumptuously adorned with pen-
dants and streamers of gorgeous dyes, which fluttered
gaily in the wind, or drooped their ends in the bosom of
the stream. The bow and poop of this majestic vessel
were gallantly bedight, after the rarest Dutch fashion,
with figures of little pursy cupids with periwigs on their
heads, and bearing in their hands garlands of flowers,
the like of which are not to be found in any book of bo-
tany ; being the matchless flowers which flourished in the
golden age, and exist no longer, unless it be in the ima-
ginations of ingenious carvers of wood and discolourers
of canvas.
Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the state of the
20 HISTORY OF
puissant potentate of the Manhattoes$ did the galley of
Peter Stuyvesarit launch forth upon the bosom of the
lordly Hudson ; which, as it rolled its broad waves to the
Ocean, seemed to pause for a while and swell with pride,
as if conscious of the illustrious burthen it sustained.
But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the scene pre-
sented to the contemplation of the crew, from that which
may be witnessed at this degenerate day. Wildness and
savage majesty reigned on the borders of this mighty
river the hand of cultivation had not as yet laid low the
dark forests, and tamed the features of the landscape;
nor had the frequent sail of commerce yet broken in up-
on the profound and awful solitude of ages. Here and
there might be seen a rude wigwam perched among the
cliffs of the mountains, with its curling column of smoke
mounting iri the transparent atmosphere ; but so loftily
situated, that the whoopings of the savage children, gam-
bolling on the margin of the dizzy heights, fell almost as
faintly on the ear, as do the notes of the lark, when lost
in the azure vault of heaven. Now and then from the
beetling brow of some rocky precipice, the wild deer
would look timidly down upon the splendid pageant as it
passed below ; and then, tossing his branching antlers in
the air, would bound away into the thickest of the forest.
Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Peter
Stuyvesant pass. Now did they skirt the bases of the
rocky heights of Jersey, which spring up like everlasting
walls, reaching from the waves unto the heavens ; and
were fashioned, if tradition may be believed, in times long
past, by the mighty spirit Manetho, to protect his favour-
ite abodes from the unhallowed eyes of mortals. Now did
they career it gaily across the vast expanse of Tappan
Bay, whose wide extended shores present a vast variety
of delectable scenery here the bold promontory, crown-
ed with embowering trees, advancing into the bay there
the long woodland slope, sweeping up from the shore in
NEW. YORK. 261
rich luxuriance, and terminating in the upland precipice
. while at a distance a long waving line of rocky heights^
threw their gigantic shades across the water. Now would
thety pass where some modest little interval, opening a-
mong these stupendous scenes, yet retreating as it were!
for protection into the embraces of the neighbouring
mountains, displayed a rural paradise, fraught with sweet
and pastoral beauties ; the velvet tufted lawn, the bushy
copse$ the tinkling rivulet^ stealing through the fresh and
vivid verdure* on whose banks was situated some little
Indian village, Or peradventure, the rude cabin of some
solitary hunter.
The different periods of the revolving day seemed each
with cunning magic, to diffuse a different charm over the
scene. Now would the jovial sun break gloriously from
the east, blazing from the summits of the eastern hills,
and sparkling the landscape with a thousand dewy gems ;
while along the borders of the river were seen heavy
masses of mist, which like midnight caitiffs, disturbed at
his approach, made a sluggish retreat, rolling in sullen
reluctance up the mountains. At such times all was
brightness^ and life, and gaiety; the atmosphere seemed
of an indescribable pureness and transparency the birds
broke forth in wanton madrigals, and the freshening
breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But
when the sun sunk amid a flood of glory in the west,
mantling the heavens and the earth with a thousand gor-
geous dyes ; then all was calm, and silent, and magnifi-
cent. The late swelling sail hung lifelessly against the
mast the simple seaman with folded arms leaned against
the shrouds, lost in that involuntary musing which the so-
ber grandeur of nature commands in the rudest of her chil-
dren. The vast bosom of the Hudson was like an un-
ruffled mirror, reflecting the golden splendour of the
heavens, excepting that now and then a bark canoe would
steal across its surface, filled with painted savages, whose
262 HISTORY OF
gay feathers glared brightly, as perchance a lingering ray
of the setting sun gleamed upon them from the western
mountains,
But when the hour of twilight spread its magic mists
around, then did the face of nature assume a thousand
fugitive charms, which to the worthy heart that seeks en-
joyment in the glorious works of its Maker, are inexpres-
sibly captivating. The mellow dubious light that pre-
vailed, just served to tinge with illusive colours the sof-
tened features of the scenery. The deceived but delight-
ed eye sought vainly to discern in the broad masses of
shade, the separating line between the land and water;
or to distinguish the fading objects that seemed sinking
into chaos. Now did the busy fancy supply the feeble-
ness of vision, producing with industrious craft a fairy
creation of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren
rocks frowned upon the watery waste, in the semblance of
lofty towers and high embattled castles trees assumed
the direful forms of mighty giants, and the inaccessible
summits of the mountains seemed peopled with a thou-
sand shadowy beings.
Now broke forth from the shores the notes of an innu-
merable variety of insects, who filled the air with a strange
but not inharmonious concert ; while ever and anon was
heard the melancholy plaint of the Whip-poor-will, who,
perched on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night with
his incessant moanings. The mind, soothed into a hal-
lowed melancholy by the solemn mystery of the scene,
listened with pensive stillness to catch and distinguish
each sound, that vaguely echoed from the shore now
and then startled perchance by the whoop of some strag-
gling savage, or the dreary howl of some caitiff wolf, steal-
ing forth upon his nightly prowlings.
Thus happily did they pursue their course, until they
entered upon those awful defiles denominated THE HIGH-
LANDS, where it would seem that the gigantic Titans had
NEW-YORK. 263
erst waged their impious war with heaven, piling up cliffs
on cliffs, and hurling vast masses of rock in wild confu-
sion. But in sooth very different is the history of these
cloud-capt mountains. These in ancient days, before the
Hudson poured his waters from the lakes, formed one
vast prison, within whose rocky bosom the omnipotent
Manetho confined the rebellious spirits who repined at
his control. Here, bound in adamantine chains, or
jammed in rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks,
they groaned for many an age. At length the conquer-
ing Hudson, in his irresistible career towards the ocean,
burst open their prison-house, rolling his tide triumphant-
ly through its stupendous ruins.
Still, however, do many of them lurk about their old
abodes ; and these it is, according to venerable legends,
that cause the echoes which resound throughout these
awful solitudes ; which are nothing but their angry cla-
mours when any noise disturbs the profoundness of their
repose. For when the elements are agitated by tempest,
when the winds are up and the thunder rolls, then horri-
ble is the yelling and howling of these troubled spirits,
making the mountains to rebellow with their hideous up-
roar ; for at such times it is said, that they think the great
Manetho is returning once more to plunge them in gloomy
caverns, and renew their intolerable captivity.
But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost upon
the gallant Stuyvesant; nought occupied his mind but
thoughts of iron war, and proud anticipations of hardy
deeds of arms. Neither did his honest crew trouble their
vacant heads with any romantic speculations of the kind.
The pilot at the helm quietly smoked his pipe, thinking
of nothing either past, present, or to come those of his
comrades who were not industriously snoring under the
hatches, were listening with open mouths to Anthony
Van Corlear ; who, seated on the windlass, was relating
264 HISTORY OF
to them the marvellous history of those myriads of fire-
flies, that sparkled like gems and spangles upon the dusky
robe of night. These, according to tradition, were origi-
nally a race of pestilent sempiternous beldames, who peo-r
pled these parts long before the memory of man; being. of
that abominated race emphatically .called brimstones : and
who for their innumerable sins against the children of men,
and to furnish an awful warning to the beauteous sex 9
were doomed to infest the earth in the shape of these threat-
ening and terrible little bugs ; enduring the internal tor-
ments of that fire, which they formerly carried in their
hearts and breathed forth in their words; but now are
sentenced to bear about for ever in their tails !
And now I am going to tell a fact, which I doubt much
my readers will hesitate to believe ; but if they do, they are
welcome not to believe a word in this whole history, for
nothing which it contains is more true. It must be known
then that the nose of Anthony the trumpeter was of a very
lusty size, strutting boldly from his countenance like
mountain of Golconda : being sumptuously bedecked with
rubies and other precious stones the true regalia of a king
of good fellows, which jolly Bacchus grants to all who
bouse it heartily at the flagon. Now thus it happened,
that bright and early in the morning, the good Anthony
having washed his burly visage, was leaning over the quar-
ter railing of the galley, contemplating it in the glassy wave
below. Just at this moment the illustrious sun, breaking
in all his splendour from behind one of the high bluffs of
the Highlands, did dart one of his most potent beams full
upon the refulgent nose of the sounder of brass the re-
flection of which shot straightway down, hissing hot, into
the water, and killed a mighty sturgeon that was sporting
beside the vessel ! This huge monster being with infinite
labour hoisted on board, furnished a luxurious repast to
all the crew, being accounted of excellent flavour, except*
NEW-YORK. 265
ing about the wound, where it smacked a little of brim-
stone ; and this, on my veracity, was the first time that ever
sturgeon was eaten in these parts by Christian people.*
When this astonishing miracle came to be made known
to Peter Stuyvesant, and that he tasted of the unknown
fish, he, as may well be supposed, marvelled exceedingly;
and as a monument thereof, he gave the name of Anthony's
Nose to a stout promontory in the neighbourhood and it
has continued to be called Anthony's Nose ever since that
time.
But hold Whither am I wandering ? By the Mass,
if I attempt to accompany the good Peter Stuyvesant on
this voyage, I shall never make an end, for never was there
a voyage so fraught with marvellous incidents, nor a river
so abounding with transcendant beauties, worthy of being
severally recorded. Even now I have it on the point of
my pen to relate, how his crew were most horribly fright-
ened, on going on shore above the Highlands, by a gang
of jnerry roistering devils, frisking and curvetting on a
huge flat rock, which projected into the river and which
is called the DuyveVs Dans-Kamer to this very day. But
no ! Diedrich Knickerbocker it becomes thee not to idle
thus in thy historic wayfaring.
Recollect that while dwelling with the fond garrulity of
age over these fairy scenes, endeared to thee by the recol-
lections of thy youth, and the charms of a thousand legend-
ary tales which beguiled the simple ear of thy childhood ;
recollect that thou are trifling with those fleeting moments
which should be devoted to loftier themes.- Is not time-
relentless time ! shaking, with palsied hand, his almost
1 The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating of the country about
Albany, in a letter which was written some time after the settlement
thereof, says, * There is in the river great plenty of Sturgeon, which
we Christians do not make use of; but the Indians eatethem greedilie."
2 L
266 HISTORY OF
exhausted hour-glass before thee ? hasten then to pursue
thy weary task, lest the last sands be run ere thou hast fi-
nished thy history of the Manhattoes.
Let us then commit the dauntless Peter, his brave gal-
ley, and his loyal crew, to the protection of the blessed
St. Nicholas ; who I have no doubt will prosper him in his
voyage, while we await his return at the great city of New-
Amsterdam.
CHAPTER IV.
Describing the powerful Army that assembled at the city of New-
Amsterdam together with the interview between Peter the
Headstrong, and General Von Pojfenburgh ; and Peter's sen-
timents touching unfortunate great men.
WHILE thus the enterprising Peter was coasting, with
flowing sail, up the shores of the lordly Hudson, and arous-
ing all the phlegmatic little Dutch settlements upon its bor-
ders, a great and puissant concourse of warriors was as-
sembling at the city of New- Amsterdam. And here that
invaluable fragment of antiquity, the Stuyvesant manu-
script, is more than commonly particular; by which means
I am enabled to record the illustrious host that encamped
itself in the public square, in front of the fort, at present
denominated the Bowling Green.
In the centre then, was pitched the tent of the men of
battle of the Manhattoes, who being the inmates of the
metropolis, composed the life-guards of the governor.
These were commanded by the valiant Stoffel Brinker-
hoof, who whilome had acquired such immortal fame at
Oyster Bay they displayed as a standard, a beaver ram-
NEW-YORK. 267
pant on a field of orange ; being the arms of the province,
and denoting the persevering industry, and the amphibi-
ous origin of the Nederlanders. *
On their right hand might be seen the vassals of that
renowned Mynheer Michael Paw, -j- who lorded it over
the fair regions of ancient Pavonia, and the lands away
south, even unto the Navesink mountains, j and was more-
over patroon of Gibbet-Island. His standard was borne
by his trusty squire, Cornelius Van Vorst; consisting of a
huge oyster recumbent upon a sea-green field ; being the
armorial bearings of his favourite metropolis, Communi-
paw. He brought to the camp a stout force of warriors,
heavily armed, being each clad in ten pair of linsey wool-
sey breeches, and overshadowed by broad brimmed bea-
vers, with short pipes twisted in their hat-bands. These
were the men who vegetated in the mud along the shores
of Pavonia ; being of the race of genuine copperheads, and
were fabled to have sprung from oysters.
At a little distance was encamped the tribe of warriors
who came from the neighbourhood of Hell-Gate. These
were commanded by the Suy Dams, and the Van Dams,
incontinent hard swearers, as their names betoken they
were terrible looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted gaber-
* This was likewise the great seal of the New Netherlands, as may
still be seen in ancient records.
j- Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS. I have found men-
tion ina<de of this illustrious Patroon in another manuscript, which says:
*' De Heer (or the Squire) Michael Paw, a Dutch subject, about lOlh
Aug; 1630, by deed purchased Staten-Island. N. B. The same Mi-
chael Paw had what the Dutch called a colonie at Pavonia, on the Jer-
sey shore, opposite New- York, and his overseer in 1636, was named
Corns. Van Vorst a person of the same name in 1769, owned Pawles
Hook, and a large farm at Favonia, and is a lineal descendant from Van
Vorst."
$ So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited these
parts at present they are erroneously denominated the Neversink, or
Neversunk mountains.
268 HISTORY OF
dines, of that curious coloured cloth called thunder and
lightning ; and bore as a standard three Devil's-darning-
needles, volant, in a flame-coloured field.
Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the
marshy borders of the WaeW>ogtig,* and the country
thereabouts^ these were of a sour aspect, by reason that
they lived on crabs, which abound in these parts : they
were the first institutors of that honourable order of knight-
hood, called Fly market shirks ; and if tradition speak true,
did likewise introduce the far-famed step in dancing, called
" double trouble." They were commanded by the fear-
less Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had moreover, a jolly
band of Breukelen -f- ferry-men, who performed a brave
concerto on conch-shells.
But I refrain from pursuing this minute description,,
which goes on to describe the warriors of Bloemen-dael^
and Wee-hawk, and Hoboken, and sundry other places,
well known in history and song for now does the sound
of martial music alarm the people of New- Amsterdam,
sounding afar from beyond the walls of the city. But this
alarm was in a little time relieved, for lo, from the midst
of a vast cloud of dust, they recognized the brimstone-
coloured breeches, and splendid silver leg of Peter Stuy-
vesant, glaring in the sun-beams; and beheld him ap-
proaching at the head of a formidable army, which he
had mustered along the banks of the Hudson. And here
the excellent but anonymous writer of the Stuyvesant
manuscript breaks out into a brave and glorious descrip-
tion of the forces, as they defiled through the principal
gate of the city, that stood by the head of Wall-street.
First of all came the Van Bummels, who inhabit the
* I. E. The Winding Bay, named from the winding of its shores.
This has since been corrupted by the vulgar into the Wallabout, and is
the basin which shelters our infant navy.
f Now spelt Brooklyn.
NEW-YORK. 269
pleasant borders of the Bronx. These were short fat men,
wearing exceeding large trunk breeches, and are renowned
for feats of the trencher: they were the first inventors of
suppawn or mush and milk. Close in their rear marched
the Van Vlotens, of Kaats Kill, most horrible quarters of
new cyder, and arrant braggarts in their liquor. After
them came the Van Pelts of Groodt Esopus, dexterous
horsemen, mounted upon goodly switch-tailed steeds of
the Esopus breed : these were mighty hunters of minks
and musk-rats, whence came the word Peltry. Then the
Van Nests of Kinderhoeck, valiant robbers of birds' nests,
as their name denotes : to these, if report may be believed,
are we indebted for the invention of slap-jacks, or buck-
wheat cakes. Then the Van Higginbottoms, of Wap-
ping's Creek: these came armed with ferules and birchen
rods, being a race of schoolmasters, who first discovered
the marvellous sympathy between the seat of honour and
the seat of intellect, and that the shortest way to get know-
ledge into the head was to hammer it into the bottom.
Then the Van Grolls, of Anthony's Nose, who carried
their liquor in fair, round little pottles, by reason they
could not bouse it out of their canteens, having such rare
long noses. Then the Gardeniers, of Hudson and there-
abouts, distinguished by many triumphant feats, such as
robbing water-melon patches, smoking rabbits out of their
holes, and the like, and by being great lovers of roasted
pigs'-tails : these were the ancestors of the renowned con-
gress-man of that name. Then the Van Hoesens, of
Sing- Sing, great choristers and players upon the Jew's-
harp : these marched two and two, singing the great song
of St. Nicholas. Then the Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hol-
low : these gave birth to a jolly race of publicans, who
first discovered the magic artifice of conjuring a quart of
wine into a pint bottle. Then the Van Kortlands, who
lived on the wild banks of the Croton, and were great kil-
lers of wild ducks, being much spoken of for their skill in
270 HISTORY OF
shooting with the long bow. Then the Van Bunschotens,
of Nyack and Kakiat, who were the first that did ever
kick with the left foot : they were gallant bush-whackers,
and hunters of racoons by moonlight. Then the Van
Winkles, of Haerlem, potent suckers of eggs, and noted
for running of horses, and running up of scores at taverns :
they were the first that ever winked with both eyes at
once. Lastly came the KNICKERBOCKERS, of the great
town of Schahtikoke, where the folk lay stones upon the
houses in windy weather, lest they should be blown away.
These derive their name, as some say, from Knicker, to
shake, and Beker, a goblet, indicating thereby that they
were sturdy tosspots of yore ; but, in truth!, it was derived
from Knicker^ to nod, and Boeken> books, plainly meaning
that they were great nodders or dozers over books : from
them did descend the writer of this history.
Such was the legion of sturdy bush-beaters that poured
in at the grand gate of New- Amsterdam. The Stuyvesant
manuscript, indeed, speaks of many more, whose names I
omit to mention, seeing that it behoves me to hasten to
matters of greater moment. Nothing could surpass the
joy and martial pride of the lion-hearted Peter, as he
reviewed this mighty host of warriors; and he deter-
mined no longer to defer the gratification of his much-
wished-for revenge, upon the scoundrel Swedes at Fort
Casimir.
But before I hasten to record those unmatchable events
which will be found in the sequel of this faithful history,
let me pause to notice the fate of Jacobus Von Poffenburgh,
the discomfited commander-in-chief of the armies of the
New Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitableness
of human nature, that scarcely did the news become pub-
lic of his deplorable discomfiture at Fort Casimir, than a
thousand scurvy rumours were set afloat in New- Amster-
dam ; wherein it was insinuated, that he had in reality a
treacherous understanding with the Swedish commander;
NEW. YORK. 271
that he had long been in the practice of privately com-
municating with the Swedes ; together with divers hints
about "secret-service money," to all which deadly charges
I do not give a jot more credit than I think they deserve.
Certain it is, that the general vindicated his character
by the most vehement oaths and protestations, and put
every man out of the ranks of honour who dared to doubt
his integrity. Moreover, on returning to New- Amster-
dam, he paraded up and down the streets with a crew of
hard swearers at his heels, sturdy bottle-companions,
whom he gorged and fattened, and who were ready to
bolster him through all the courts of justice, heroes of
his own kidney, fierce-whiskered, broad-shouldered, col-
brand-looking swaggerers, not one of whom but looked as
though he could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth with the
horns. These life-guard men quarrelled all his quarrels,
were ready to fight all his battles, and scowled at every
man that turned up his nose at the general, as though they
would devour him alive. Their conversation was inter-
spersed with oaths like minute-guns, and every bombastic
rhodomontado was rounded off by a thundering execra-
tion, like a patriotic toast honoured with a discharge of
artillery.
All these valorous vapourings had a considerable effect
in convincing certain profound sages, many of whom be-
gan to think the general a hero of unutterable loftiness
and magnanimity of soul, particularly as he was continu-
ally protesting on the honour of a soldier, a marvellously
high-sounding asseveration. Nay, one of the members of
the council went so far as to propose they should immor-
talize him by an imperishable statue of plaster of Paris.
But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not thus to
be deceived. Sending privately for the commander-in-
chief of all the armies, and having heard all his story, gar-
nished with the customary pious oaths, protestations, and
ejaculations " Harkee, comrade," cried he, " though by
272 HISTORY OF
your own account you are the most brave, upright, and
honourable man in the whole province, yet do you lie un-
der the misfortune of being damnably traduced, and im-
measurably despised. Now though it is certainly hard to
punish a man for his misfortunes, and though it is very
possible you are totally innocent of the crimes laid to your
charge ; yet as heaven, at present, doubtless for some wise
purpose, sees fit to withhold all proofs of your innocence,
far be it from me to counteract its sovereign will. Be-
side, I cannot consent to venture my armies with a com-
mander whom they despise, or to trust the welfare of my
people to a champion whom they distrust. Retire there-
fore, my friend, from the irksome toils and cares of public
life, with this comforting reflection that if you be guilty,
you are but enjoying your just reward and if innocent,
that you are not the first great and good man, who has
most wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in this
wicked world doubtless to be better treated in a better
world, where there shall neither be error, calumny, nor
persecution. In the mean time let me never see your face
again, for I have a horrid antipathy to the countenances
of unfortunate great men like yourself."
CHAPTER V.
In which the Author discourses very ingenuously of himself.
After which is to be found much interesting history about Peter
the Headstrong and his followers.
As my readers and myself are about entering on as
many perils, as ever a confederacy of meddlesome knights-
errant wilfully ran their heads into ; it is meet that like
those hardy adventurers, we should join hands, bury all
differences, and swear to stand by one another, in weal or
NEW-YORK. 27S
wo, to the end of the enterprize. My readers must doubt-
less perceive, how completely I have altered my tone and
deportment, since we first set out together. I warrant
they then thought me a crabbed, cynical, impertinent little
son of a Dutchman; for I scarcely ever gave them a civil
word, nor so much as touched my beaver, when I had oc-
casiou to address them. But as we jogged along together,
in the high-road -of my history, I gradually began to relax,
to grow more courteous, and occasionally to enter into
familiar discourse; until at length J came to conceive '4
most social, companionable kind of regard for them. This
is just my way I am always a little cold and reserved at
first, particularly to people, whom I neither knpw nor
care for ; and am only to be completely won by long in-?
timacy.
Besides, why should I have been sociable to the crowd
of how-d'ye-do acquaintances, that flocked around me at
my first appearance ? Many were merely attracted by a
new face; and ha,ving stared me full in the titiepage,
walked off without saying a word ; while others lingered
yawningly through the preface, and having gratified their
shortlived curiosity, soon dropped off one by one. But
more especially to try their mettle, J had recourse to an
expedient, similar to one, which we are told was used, by
that peerless flower of chivalry, king Arthur ; who, before
he admitted any knight to his intimacy, first required that
he should show himself superior to danger or hardships^
by encountering unheard of mishaps, slaying some dozen
giants, vanquishing wicked enchanters, not to say a word
of dwarfs, hippogriffs and fiery dragons. On a similar
principle, I cunningly led my readers, at the first sally,
into two or three knotty .chapters, where they were .most
wofully belaboured and buffeted by a host pf pagan philo-
sophers, and infidel writers. Though naturally a very
grave njan, yet could I scarce refrain from smiling out-
right at seeing the utter confusion and dismay of my va
2 M
HISTORY OF
liant cavaliers some dropped down dead (asleep) on the
field ; others threw down my book in the middle of the
first chapter, took to their heels, and never ceased scam-
pering until they had fairly run it out of sight ; when they
stopped to take breath, to tell their friends what troubles
they had undergone, and to warn all others from venturing
on so thankless an expedition. Every page thinned my
ranks more and more ; and of the vast multitude that first
set out, but a comparatively few made shift to survive, in
exceedingly battered condition, through the five introduc-
tory chapters.
What then ! would you have had me take such sun-
shine, faint-hearted recreants to my bosom, at our first
acquaintance? No, no; I reserved my friendship for
those who deserved it; for those who undauntedly bore
me company, in despite of difficulties, dangers, and fa-
tigues. And now, as to those who adhere to me at pre-
sent, I take them affectionately by the hand. Worthy
and thrice beloved readers ! brave and well-tried com-
rades ! who have faithfully followed my footsteps through
all my wanderings I salute you from my heart I pledge
myself to stand by you to the last ; and to conduct you (so
heaven speed this trusty weapon which I now hold between
my fingers) triumphantly to the end of this our stupendous
undertaking,
But, hark ! while we are thus talking, the city of New-
Amsterdam is in a bustle. The gallant host of warriors
encamped in the Bowling Green are striking their tents ;
the brazen trumpet of Anthony Van Corlear makes the
welkin to resound with portentous clangour the drums
beat the standards of the Manhattoes, of Hell-gate, and
of Michael Paw, wave proudly in the air. And now be-
hold where the mariners are busily employed, hoisting the
sails of yon top-sail schooner, and those two clump built
Albany sloops, which are to waft the army of the Neder-
landers to gather immortal honours 011 the Delaware !
NEW-YORK. 275
The entire population of the city, man, woman, and
child, turned out to behold the chivalry of New- Amster-
dam, as it paraded the streets previous to embarcation.
Many a handkerchief was waved out of the windows ;
many a fair nose was blown in melodious sorrow, on the
mournful occasion. The grief of the fair dames and beau-
teous damsels of Grenada could not have been more voci-
ferous on the banishment of the gallant tribe of Abencer-
rages, than was that of the kind-hearted fair ones of New-
Amsterdam, on the departure of their intrepid warriors.
Every love-sidk maiden fondly crammed the pockets of
her hero with gingerbread and dough-nuts many a cop-
per ring was exchanged, and crooked sixpence broken, in
pledge of eternal constancy and there remain extant to
this day some love verses written on that occasion, suffi-
ciently crabbed and incomprehensible to confound the
whole universe.
But it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, how
they hung about the doughty Anthony Van Corlear; for
he was a jolly, rosy faced, lusty bachelor, fond of his joke,
and withal a desperate rogue among the women. Fain
would they have kept him to comfort them while the army
was away ; for besides what I have said of him, it is no
more than justice to add, that he was a kind hearted soul,
noted for his benevolent attentions in comforting discon-
solate wives during the absence of their husbands; and
this made him to be very much regarded by the honest
burghers of the city. But nothing could keep the valiant
Anthony from following the heels of the old governor,
whom he loved as he did his very soul so embracing all
the young vrouws, and giving every one of them that had
good teeth and rosy lips, a dozen hearty smacks ; he de-
parted loaded with their kind wishes.
Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter among the
least causes of public distress. Though the old governor
was by no means indulgent to the follies and wayward-
t??6 HISTORY OF
ness of* his subjects, yet somehow or other he had become
strangely popular among the people. There is something
so captivating in personal bravery, that, with the common
mass of mankind, it takes the lead of most other merits.
The simple folk of New- Amsterdam looked upon "Peter
Stuyvesant as a prodigy of valour. His wooden leg, that
trophy of his martial encounters, was regarded with rever-
ence and admiration. Every old burgher had a budget of
miraculous stories to tell about the exploits of Hard-koppig
. Piet, wherewith he regaled his children, of a long winter
hight ; and on which he dwelt with as much delight and
Exaggeration, as do our honest country yeomen on the
hardy adventures of old General Putnam (or as he is fa-
miliarly termed, Old Put) during our glorious revolution.
Not an individual but verily believed the old governor was
a match for Beelzebub himself; and there was even a story
told, with great mystery, and under the rose, of his having
shot the devil with a silver bullet one dark stormy night,
iis he was sailing in a canoe through Hell-gate. But this
I do not record as an absolute fact perish the man who
would let fall a drop to discolour the pure stream of his-
tory !
Certain it is, not an old woman in New- Amsterdam but
considered Peter Stuyvesant as a tower of strength, and
rested satisfied, that the public welfare was secure sti long
as he was in the city. It is not surprising then that they
looked upon his departure as a sore affliction. With
heavy hearts they draggled at the heels of his troop, as
they marched down to the river side to embark. The
governor from the stern of his schooner, gave a short, but
truly patriarchal address to his citizens; wherein he re-
commended them to comport like loyal and peaceful sub-
jects to go to church regularly on Sundays, and to mind
their business all the week besides. That the women
should be dutiful and affectionate to their husbands
looking after nobody's concerns but their own : eschewing
NEW-YORK. 2177
all gossippings, and morning gaddings; and carrying short
tongues and long petticoats. That the men should abstain
from intermeddling in public concerns, entrusting the cares
of government to the officers appointed to support them
^staying at home, like good citizens, making money for
themselves, and getting children for the benefit of their
country That the burgomasters should look well to the
public interest not oppressing the poor, or indulging the
rich not tasking their security to devise new laws, but
faithfully enforcing those which were already made rather
bending their attention to prevent evil than to punish it;
ever recollecting that civil magistrates should consider
themselves more as guardians of public morals, than rat-
catchers employed to entrap public delinquents. Finally,
he exhorted them, one and all, high and low, rich and
poor, to conduct themselves as well as they could; assuring
them that if they faithfully and conscientiously complied
with this golden rule, there was no danger but that they
would all conduct themselves well enough. This done,
he gave them a paternal benediction j the sturdy Anthony
sounded a most loving farewell with his trumpet, the jolly
crews put up a lusty shout of triumph, and the invincible
armada swept off proudly down the bay.
The good people of New- Amsterdam crowded down
to the Battery that blest resort, from whence so ma-
ny a tender prayer has been wafted so many a fair
hand waved so many a tearful look been cast by love-
sick damsel, after the lessening bark, which bore her
adventurous swain to distant climes ! Here the populace
watched with straining eyes the gallant squadron, as it
slowly floated down the bay; and when the intervening
land at the Narrows shut it from their sight, gradually
dispersed with silent tongues and downcast countenances.
A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city the
honest burghers smoked their pipes in profound thought-
fulness, casting many a wistful look to the weather-cock,
278 HISTORY OF
on the church of St. Nicholas; and all the old women,
having no longer the presence of Peter Stuyvesant to
hearten them, gathered their children home, and barrica-
doed the doors and windows every evening at sun-down.
In the mean while the armada of the sturdy Peter pro-
ceeded prosperously on its voyage, and after encountering
about as many storms and water-spouts and whales, and
other horrors and phenomena, as generally befall adventu-
rous landsmen, in perilous voyages of the kind ; and after
undergoing a severe scouring from that deplorable and
unpitied malady called sea-sickness ; the whole squadron
arrived safely in the Delaware.
Without so much as dropping anchor and giving his
wearied ships time to breathe after labouring so long in
the ocean, the intrepid Peter pursued his course up the
Delaware, and made a sudden appearance before Fort
Casimir. Having summoned the astonished garrison by
a terrific blast from the trumpet of the long-winded Van
Corlear, he demanded, in a tone of thunder, an instant
surrender of the fort. To this demand, Suen Scutz, the
wind-dried commandant, replied in a shrill, whiffling voice,
which, by reason of his extreme spareness, sounded like
the wind whistling through a broken bellows " that he
had no very strong reasons for refusing, except that the
demand was particularly disagreeable, as he had been or-
dered to maintain his post to the last extremity." He
requested time therefore to consult with Governor Risingh,
and proposed a truce for that purpose.
The choleric Peter, indignant at having his rightful fort
so treacherously taken from him, and thus pertinaciously
withheld, refused the proffered armistice, and swore by
the pipe of St. Nicholas, which like the sacred fire was
never extinguished, that unless the fort were surrendered
in ten minutes, he would incontinently storm the works,
make all the garrison run the gauntlet, and split their
scoundrel of a commander, like a pickled shad. To give
NEW-YORK. 279
this menace the greater effect, he drew forth his trusty
sword, and shook it at them with such a fierce and vigo-
rous motion, that doubtless, if it had not been exceeding-
rusty, it would have lightened terror into the eyes and
hearts of the enemy. He then ordered his men to bring
a broadside to bear upon the fort, consisting of two swi-
vels, three muskets, a long duck fowling-piece, and two
brace of horse-pistols.
In the mean time the sturdy Van Corlear marshalled
all his forces, and commenced his warlike operations.
Distending his cheeks like a very Boreas, he kept up a
most horrific twanging of his trumpet the lusty choristers
of Sing- Sing broke forth into a hideous song of battle
the warriors of Breukelen and the Wael-bogtig blew a
potent and astounding blast on their conch-shells : all
together forming as outrageous a concerto, as though five
thousand French orchestras were displaying their skill in
a modern overture.
Whether the formidable front of war, thus suddenly
presented, smote the garrison with sore dismay, or whe-
ther the concluding terms of the summons, which men-
tioned that he should surrender " at discretion," were
mistaken by Suen Scutz, who though a Swede, was a very
considerate, easy-tempered man, as a compliment to his
discretion, I will not take upon me to say ; certain it is,
he found it impossible to resist so courteous a demand.
Accordingly, in the very nick of time, just as the cabin-boy
had gone after a coal of fire, to discharge the swivel, a
chamade was beat on the rampart by the only drum in
the garrison, to the no small satisfaction of both parties ;
who, notwithstanding their great stomach for fighting, had
full as good an inclination to eat a quiet dinner, as to ex-
change black eyes and bloody noses.
Thus did this impregnable fortress once more return to
the domination of their high mightinesses ; Scutz and his
garrison of twenty men were allowed to inarch out with
280 HISTORY OF
the honours of war ; and the victorious Peter, who was as
generous as brave, permitted them to keep possession of
all their arms and ammunition, the same on inspection
being found totally unfit for service, having long rusted in
the magazine of the fortress, even before it was wrested by
the Swedes from the magnanimous, but windy Von Poi-
fenburgh. But I must not omit to mention, that the go-
vernor was so well pleased with the services of his faithful
squire, Van Corlear, in the reduction of this great fortress,
that he made him on the spot lord of a goodly domain in
the vicinity of New- Amsterdam, which goes by the name
of Corlear's Hook unto this very day. *
The unexampled liberality of the valiant Stuyvesant
towards the Swedes, occasioned great surprise in the city
of New- Amsterdam ; nay, certain of those factious indivi^
duals, who had been enlightened by the political meetings
that prevailed during the days of William the Testy, but
who had not dared to indulge their meddlesome habits
under the eye of their present ruler, now emboldened by
his absence, dared even to give vent to their censures in
the streets murmurs were heard in the very council
chamber of New- Amsterdam ; and there is no knowing
whether they would not have broken out into downright
speeches and invectives, had not Peter Stuyvesant pri-
vately sent home his walking-staff, to be laid as a mace on
the table of the council chamber, in the midst of his coun~
sellors ; who, like wise men, took the hint, and forever af-
ter held their peace.
* De Vriez makes mention, in one of bis voyages, of Corlear's Hocck,
: and Ccrlear*s Plitntagie, or Bouy>ery f
NEW-YORK. 281
CHAPTER VI.
Showing the great advantage that the author has over his reader
in time of battle together with divers portentous movements ;
which betoken that something terrible is about to happen.
LIKE as a mighty alderman, when at a corporation feast
the first spoonful of turtle soup salutes his palate, feels his
impatient appetite but tenfold quickened, and redoubles
his vigorous attacks upon the tureen, while his voracious
eyes, projecting from his head, roll greedily round, de-
vouring every thing at table so did the mettlesome Peter
Stuyvesant feel that intolerable hunger for martial glory,
which raged within his very bowels, inflamed by the cap-
ture of Fort Casimer, and nothing could allay it but the
conquest of all New Sweden. No sooner therefore had he
secured his conquest, than he stumped resolutely on,
flushed with success, to gather fresh laurels at Fort Chris-
tina. *
This was the grand Swedish post, established on a small
river (or as it is more improperly termed, creek) of the
same name ; and here that crafty governor, Jan Risingh,
lay grimly drawn up, like a gray-bearded spider in the
citadel of his web.
But before we hurry into the direful scenes that must
attend the meeting of two such powerful chieftains, it is
advisable that we pause for a moment, and hold a kind of
warlike council. Battles should not be- rushed into precipi-
tately by the historian and his readers, any more than by the
general and his soldiers. The great commanders of anti-
quity never engaged the enemy, without previously prepar-
This is at present a flourishing town called Christiana, or Chris-
teen, about thirty- seven miles from Philadelphia, on the post-road to
Baltimore,
2 N
282 HISTORY OF
ing the minds of their followers by animating harangues ;
spiriting them up to heroic feelings, assuring them of the
protection of the gods, and inspiring them with a confi-
dence in the prowess of their leaders. So the historian
should awaken the attention and enlist the passions of his
readers, and having set them all on fire with the importance
of his subject, he should put himself at their head, flourish
his pen, and lead them on to the thickest of the fight.
An illustrious example of this rule may be seen in that
mirror of historians, the immortal Thucydides. Having
arrived at the breaking out of the Peloponnesian war, one
of his commentators observes, that " he sounds the charge
in all the disposition and spirit of Homer. He catalogues
the allies on both sides. He awakens our expectations,
and fast engages our attention. All mankind are concerned
in the important point now going to be decided. Endea-
vours are made to disclose futurity. Heaven itself is inte-
rested in the dispute. The earth totters, and nature
seems to labour with the great event. This is his solemn,
sublime manner of setting out. Thus he magnifies a war
between two, as Rapin calls them, petty states ; and thus
artfully he supports a little subject by treating it in a great
and noble method." *
In like manner, having conducted my readers into the
very teeth of peril having followed the adventurous Peter
and his band into foreign regions surrounded by foes,
and stunned by the horrid din of arms at this important
moment, while darkness and doubt hang o'er each coming
chapter, I hold it meet to harangue them, and prepare
them for the events that are to follow.
And here I would premise one great advantage which,
as the historian, I possess over my reader; and this it is
that though I cannot save the life of my favourite hero,
* Smith's Thucyd. Vol. I. p. Ixx.
NEW-YORK.
nor absolutely contradict the event of a battle, (both which
liberties, though often taken by the French writers of the
present reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a scrupu-
lous historian,) yet I can now and then make him bestow
on his enemy a sturdy back-stroke, sufficient to fell a
giant; though in honest truth, he may never have done
any thing of the kind or I can drive his antagonist clear
round and round the field, as did Homer make that fine
fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round the walls of
Troy; for which, if ever they have encountered one
another in the Elysian fields, I'll warrant the prince of
poets has had to make the most humble apology.
I am aware that many conscientious readers will be
ready to cry out " foul play !" whenever I render a little
assistance to my hero but I consider it one of those
privileges exercised by historians of all ages and one
which has never been disputed. In fact, an historian is,
as it were, bound in honour to stand by his hero the
fame of the latter is entrusted to his hands, and it is his
duty to do the best by it he can. Never was there a
general, an admiral, or any other commander, who, in
giving an account of any battle that he had fought, did
not sorely belabour the enemy; and I have no doubt
that, had my heroes written the history of their own
achievements, they would have dealt much harder blows
than any that I shall recount. Standing forth, therefore,
as the guardian of their fame, it behoves me to do them
the same justice they would have done themselves; and
if 1 happen to be a little hard upon the Swedes, I give
free leave to any of their descendants, who may write a
history of the State of Delaware, to take fair retaliation,
and belabour Peter Stuyvesant as hard as they please.
Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody noses !
my pen has long itched for a battle siege after siege
have I carried on, without blows or bloodshed ; but now
I have at length got a chance, and I vow to heaven and
284 HISTORY OF
St. Nicholas, that, let the chronicles of the times say what
they please, neither Sallust, Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, nor
any other battlemonger of them all, did ever record a
fiercer fight, than that in which my valiant chieftains are
now about to engage.
And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, for your
faithful adherence, I could cherish in the warmest corner
of my heart be not uneasy trust the fate of our favourite
Stuyvesant to me for by the rood, come what may, I'll
stick by Hard-koppig Piet to the last; I'll make him
drive about these losels vile, as did the renowned Laun-
celot of the Lake, a herd of recreant Cornish knights; and
if he does fall, let me never draw my pen to fight another
battle, in behalf of a brave man, if I don't make these lub-
berly Swedes pay for it !
No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before fort
Christina than he proceeded without delay to entrench
himself, and immediately on running his first parallel,
despatched Anthony Van Corlear to summon the fortress
to surrender. Van Corlear was received with all due for-
mality, hoodwinked at the portal, and conducted through
a pestiferous smell of salt-fish and onions, to the citadel,
a substantial hut built of pine logs. His eyes were here
uncovered, and he found himself in the august presence of
Governor Risingh. This chieftain, as I have before noted,
was a very giantly man: and was clad in a coarse blue
coat, strapped round the waist with a leathern belt, which
caused the enormous skirts and pockets to set off* with a
very warlike sweep. His ponderous legs were cased in a
pair of foxy-coloured jack-boots, and he was straddling in
the attitude of the Colossus of Rhodes, before a bit of
broken looking-glass, shaving himself with a villanously
dull razor. This afflicting operation caused him to make
a series of horrible grimaces, that heightened exceedingly
the grisly terrors of his visage. On Anthony Van Cor-
1 ear's being announced, the grim commander paused for a
NEW-YORK. 285
moment, in the midst of one of his most hard-favoured
contortions, and after eyeing him askance over the shoul-
der, with a kind of snarling grin on his countenance, re-
sumed his labours at the glass.
This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once more to
the trumpeter, and demanded the purport of his errand.
Anthony Van Corlear delivered in a few words, being a
kind of short-hand speaker, a long message from his ex-
cellency, recounting the whole history of the province,
with a recapitulation of grievances, and enumeration of
claims, and concluded with a peremptory demand of in-
stant surrender ; which done, he turned aside, took his
nose between his thumb and finger, and blew a tremen-
dous blast, not unlike the flourish of a trumpet of defiance;
which it had doubtless learned from a long and intimate
neighbourhood with that melodious instrument.
Governor Risingh heard him through, trumpet and all,
but with infinite impatience ; leaning at times, as was his
usual custom, on the pommel of his sword, and at times
twirling a huge steel watch chain, or snapping his fingers.
Van Corlear having finished, he bluntly replied, that Pe-
ter Stuyvesant and his summons might go to the d 1,
whither he hoped to send him and his crew of ragamuffins
before supper time. Then unsheathing his brass hilted
sword, and throwing away the scabbard " Fore gad,"
quod he, " but I will not sheathe thee again, until I make
a scabbard of the smoke-dried, leathern hide of this runa-
gate Dutchman." Then having flung a fierce defiance in
the teeth of his adversary, by the lips of his messenger,
the latter was reconducted to the portal, with all the cere-
monious civility due to the trumpeter, squire, and ambas-
sador of so great a commander ; and being again unblirid-
ed, was courteously dismissed with a tweak of the nose, to
assist him in recollecting his message.
No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this insolent re-
ply, than he let fly a tremendous volley of red-hot execra-
tions, that would infallibly have battered down the fortifi-
286 HISTORY OF
cations, and blown up the powder magazine, about the
ears of the fiery Swede, had not the ramparts been re-
markably strong, and the magazine bomb-proof. Per-
ceiving that the works withstood this terrific blast, and
that it was utterly impossible (as it really was in those un-
philosophic days) to carry on a war with words, he ordered
his merry men all, to prepare for an immediate assault.
But here a strange murmur broke out among his troops,
beginning with the tribe of the Van Bummels, those va-
liant trencher-men of the Bronx, and spreading from man
to man, accompanied with certain mutinous looks and dis-
contented murmurs. For once in his life, and only for
once, did the great Peter turn pale ; for he verily thought
his warriors were going to faulter in this hour of perilous
trial, and thus tarnish for ever the fame of the province of
New Nederlands.
But soon did he discover, to his great joy, that in this
suspicion he deeply wronged this most undaunted army ;
for the cause of this agitation and uneasiness simply was,
that the hour of dinner was at hand, and it would have
almost broken the hearts of these regular Dutch warriors
to have broken in upon the invariable routine of their ha-
bits. Beside, it was an established rule among our valiant
ancestors, always to fight upon a full stomach ; and to this
may be doubtless attributed the circumstance that they
came to be so renowned in arms.
And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, and
their no less hearty comrades, all lustily engaged under
the trees, buffeting stoutly with the contents of their wal-
lets, and taking such affectionate embraces of their can-
teens and pottles, as though they verily believed they were
to be the last. And as I foresee we shall have hot work
in a page or two, I advise my readers to do the same ; for
which purpose I will bring this chapter to a close ; giving
them my word of honour, that no advantage shall be taken
of this armistice, to surprise, or in any way molest, the
honest Nederlanders, while at their vigorous repast.
NEW-YORK; 587
CHAPTER VII.
Containing the most horrible battle ever recorded in poetry or
prose; with the admirable exploits of Peter the Headstrong.
" Now had the Dutchmen snatch'd a huge repast," and
finding themselves wonderfully encouraged and animated
thereby, prepared to take the field. Expectation, says the
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript Expectation now
stood on stilts. The world forgot to turn round, or rather
stood still, that it might witness the affray; like a fat,
round bellied alderman, watching the combat of two chi-
valric flies upon his jerkin. The eyes of all mankind, as
usual in such cases, were turned upon Fort Christina.
The sun, like a little man in a crowd, at a puppet-shew,
scampered about the heavens, popping his head here and
there, and endeavouring to get a peep between the unman-
nerly clouds, that obtruded themselves in his way. The
historians filled their inkhorns the poets went without
their dinners, either that they might buy paper and goose-
quills, or because they could not get any thing to eat
antiquity scowled sulkily out of its grave^ to see itself out-
done while even posterity stood mute, gazing in gaping
ecstacy of retrospection, on the eventful field.
The immortal deities, who, whilom, had seen service at
the " affair " of Troy now mounted their feather-bed
clouds, and sailed over the plain, or mingled among the
combatants in different disguises, all itching to have a fin-
ger in the pie. Jupiter sent off* his thunderbolt to a noted
coppersmith, to have it furbished up for the direful occa-
sion. Venus swore by her chastity she'd patronize the
Swedes ; and in semblance of a blear-eyed trull, paraded
the battlements of Fort Christina, accompanied by Diana,
as a Serjeant's widow, of cracked reputation. The noted
288 HISTORY OF
bully. Mars, stuck two horse-pistols into his belt, shoul-
dering a rusty firelock, and gallantly swaggered at their
elbow, as a drunken corporal while Apollo trudged in
their rear, as a bandy-legged fifer, playing most villanously
out of tune.
On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had gained a
pair of black eyes overnight, in one of her curtain lectures
with old Jupiter, displayed her haughty beauties on a bag-
gage-waggon Minerva, as a brawny gin-suttler, tucked
up her skirts, brandished her fists, and swore most hero-
ically, in exceeding bad Dutch, (having but lately studied
the language,) by way of keeping up the spirits of the sol-
diers; while Vulcan halted as a club-footed blacksmith,
lately promoted to be a captain of militia. All was silent
horror, or bustling preparation; war reared his horrid
front, gnashed loud his iron fangs, and shook his direful
crest of bristling bayonets.
And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out their
hosts. Here stood stout Risingh, firm as a thousand
rocks encrusted with stockades, and entrenched to the
chin in mud batteries. His artillery consisting of two
swivels and a carronade, loaded to the muzzle, the touch-
holes primed, and a whiskered bombardier stationed at
each, with lighted match in hand, waiting the word. His
valiant infantry lined the breast-work in grim array, each
having his mustachios fiercely greased, and his hair poma-
tomed back, and queued so stiffly that he grinned above
the ramparts like a grisly death's head.
There came on the intrepid Hard-koppig Piet, a second
Bayard, without fear or reproach his brows knit, his teeth
clenched, his breath held hard, rushing on like ten thou-
sand bellowing bulls of Bashan. His faithful squire, Van
Corlear, trudged valiantly at his heels, with his trumpet
gorgeously bedecked with red and yellow ribands, the re-
membrances of his fair mistresses at the Manhattoes. Then
came waddling on his sturdy comrades, swarming like the
NEW-YORK. 289
myrmidons of Achilles. There were the Van Wycks and
the Van Dycks and the Ten Eycks the Van Nesses, the
Van Tassels, the Van Grolls, the Van Hcesens, the Van
Giesons, and the Van Blarcoms. The Van Warts, the
Van Winkles, the Van Dams, the Van Pelts, the Van
Rippers, and the Van Brunts. There were the Van
Homes, the Van Hooks, the Van Bunschotens, the Van
Gelders, the Van Arsdales, and the Van Bummels. The
Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the Vander Voorts, the
Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, and the Vander Spie-
gels; there came the Hoffmans, the Hooghlands, the
Hoppers, the Cloppers, the Ryckmans, the Dyckmans,
the Hogebooms, the Rosebooms, the Oothouts, the Quack-
enbosses, the Roerbacks, the Garrebrantzs, the Bensons,
the Brouwers, the Waldrons, the Onderdonks, the Varra
Vangers, the Schermerhorns, the Stoutenburghs, the
Brinkerhoffs, the Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, the
Hockstrassers, t:he Ten Breecheses, and the Tough Bree^
cheses, with a host more of valiant worthies, whose names
are too crabbed to be written, or if they could be written,
it would be impossible for man to utter all fortified with
a mighty dinner, and to use the words of a great Dutch
poet,
" Brimful of wrath and cabbage !"
For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the midst of
his career, and mounting on a stump, addressed his troops
iu eloquent low Dutch, exhorting them to fight like duy-
vds, and assuring them, that if they conquered they should
get plenty of booty ; if they fell, they should be allowed
the unparalleled satisfaction, while dying, of reflecting that
it was in the service of their country ; and after they were
dead, of seeing their names inscribed in the temple of re-
nown, and handed down, in company with all the other
great men of the year, for the admiration of posterity.
Finally, he swore to them, on the word of a governor,
2 O
290 HISTORY OF
(and they knew him too well to doubt it for a moment,)
that if he caught any mother's son of them looking pale,
or playing craven, he'd curry his hide till he made him
run out of it like a snake in spring-time. Then lugging
out his trusty sabre, he brandished it three times over his
head, ordered Van Corlear to sound a tremendous charge,
and shouting the word " St. Nicholas and the Manhat-
toes !" courageously dashed forwards. His warlike fol-
lowers, who had employed the interval in lighting their
pipes, instantly stuck them in their mouths, gave a furious
puff, and charged gallantly under cover of the smoke.
The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning Risingh
not to fire until they could distinguish the whites of their
assailants' eyes, stood in horrid silence on the covert-way,
until the eager Dutchmen had ascended the glacis. Then
did they pour into them such a tremendous volley, that
the very hills quaked around, and were terrified even unto
an incontinence of water, insomuch that certain springs
burst forth from their sides, which continue to run unto
the present day. Not a Dutchman but would have bitten
the dust beneath that dreadful fire, had not the protecting
Minerva kindly taken care that the Swedes should, one
and all, observe their usual custom of shutting their eyes
and turning away their heads, at the moment of dis-
charge.
The Swedes followed up their fire, by leaping the coun-
terscarp, and falling tooth and nail upon the foe, with fu-
rious outcries. And now might be seen prodigies of va-
lour, of which neither history nor song have ever recorded
a parallel. Here was beheld the sturdy Stoffel Brinker-
hoff brandishing his lusty quarter-staff, like the terrible
giant Blanderon his oak-tree, (for he scorned to carry any
other weapon,) and drumming a horrific tune upon the
heads of whole squadrons of Swedes. There were the
crafty Van Kortlandts, posted at a distance, like the Lo-
crian archers of yore, and plying it most potently with the
NEW-YORK. 291
long-bow, for which they were so justly renowned. At
another place were collected on a rising knoll the valiant
men of Sing-Sing, who assisted marvellously in the fight*
by chaunting forth the great song of St, Nicholas ; but as
to the Gardeniers of Hudson, they were absent from the
battle, having been sent out on a marauding party, to lay
waste the neighbouring water-melon patches. In a diffe-
rent part of the field might be seen the Van Grolls of An-
thony's nose ; but they were horribly perplexed in a defile
betwseen two little hills, by reason of the length of their
noses. There were the Van Bunschotens of Nyack and
Kakiat, so renowned for kicking with the left foot; but
their skill availed them little at present, being short of
wind, in consequence of the hearty dinner they had eaten :
and they would irretrievably have been put to rout, had
they not been reinforced by a gallant corps of Voltigeurs,
composed of the Hoppers, who advanced to their assis-
tance nimbly on one foot. Nor must I omit to mention
the incomparable achievements of Anthony Van Corlear,
who, for a good quarter of an hour, Waged stubborn fight
with a little pursy Swedish drummer, whose hide he drum-
med most magnificently ; and had he not come into the
battle with no other weapon but his trumpet, would infal-
libly have put him to an untimely end.
But now the combat thickened: on came the mighty
Jacobus Varra Vanger, and the fighting men of the Wall-
about ; after them thundered the Van Pelts of Esopus,
together with the Van Rippers and the Van Brunts, bear-
' ing down all before them ; then the Suy Dams and the
Van Dams, pressing forward with many a blustering oath,
at the head of the warriors of Hell-gate, clad in their
thunder and lightning gaberdines; and lastly, the stan-
dard-bearers and body-guards of Peter Stuyvesant, bear-
ing the great beaver of the Manhattoes.
And now commenced the horrid din, the desperate
struggle, the maddening ferocity, the frantic desperation,
292 HISTORY OF
the confusion, and self-abandonment of war. Dutehmaft
and Swede commingled, tugged, panted, and blowed. The
heavens were darkened with a tempest of missives. Bang !
went the guns whack ! struck the broad swords thump !
went the cudgels crash ! went the musket-stocksblows
kicks cuffs scratches black eyes and bloody noses
swelling the horrors of the scene ! Thwick-thwack, cut and
hack, helter-skelter, higgledy-piggledy, hurley-burley,
head over heels, rough and tumble ! Dunder and blixum !
swore the Dutchmen splitter and splutter! cried the
Swedes. Storm the works! shouted Hard-koppig Peter.
Fire the mine! roared stout Risingh. Tantara-ra-ra !
twang' d the trumpet of Anthony Van Corlear until all
voice and sound became unintelligible ; grunts of pain,
yells of fury, and shouts of triumph commingled in one
hideous clamour* The earth shook as if struck with a
paralytic stroke trees shrunk aghast, and withered at the
sight rocks burrowed in the ground like rabbits, and
even Christina-creek turned from its course, and ran up a
mountain in breathless terror.
Long hung the contest doubtful ; for though a heavy
shower of rain, sent by the " cloud-compelling Jove," in
some measure cooled their ardour, as doth a bucket of
water thrown on a group of fighting mastiffs, yet did they
but pause for a moment, to return with tenfold fury to
the charge, belabouring each other with black and bloody
bruises. Just at this juncture was seen a vast and dense
column of smoke, slowly rolling towards the scene of
battle, which for a while made even the furious combatants
to stay their arms in mute astonishment ; but the wind for
a moment dispersing the murky cloud, from the midst
thereof emerged the flaunting banner of the immortal
Michael Paw. This noble chieftain came fearlessly on,
leading a solid phalanx of oyster-fed Pavonians, who had
remained behind, partly as a corps de reserve, and partly
to digest the enormous dinner they had eaten. These
NEW-YORK.
sturdy yeomen, nothing daunted, did trudge manfully
forward, smoking their pipes with outrageous vigour, so
as to raise the awful cloud that has been mentioned ; but
marching exceedingly slow, being short of leg, and of
great rotundity in the belt.
And now the protecting deities of the army of New*
Amsterdam, having unthinkingly left the field, and stept
into a neighbouring tavern to refresh themselves with a
pot of beer, a direful catastrophe had well nigh chanced
to befal the Nederlanders. Scarcely had the myrmidons
of the puissant Paw attained the front of battle, before
the Swedes, instructed by the cunning Risingh, levelled a
shower of blows full at their tobacco-pipes. Astounded at
this unexpected assault, and totally discomfited at seeing
their pipes broken, the valiant Dutchmen fell into vast
confusion. Already they begin to fly; like a frightened
drove of unwieldy elephants, they throw their own army in
an uproar, bearing down a whole legion of little Hoppers;
the sacred banner, on which is emblazoned the gigantic
oyster of Communipaw, is trampled in the dirt; the Swedes
pluck up new spirits, and pressing on their rear, apply
their feet, a parte poste, with a vigour that prodigiously
accelerates their motions ; nor doth the renowned Paw
himself fail to receive divers grievous and dishonourable
visitations of shoe-leather !
But what, oh Muse ! was the rage of the gallant Peter,
when from afar he saw his army yield ? With a voice of
thunder did he roar after his recreant warriors, putting
up such a war-whoop as did the stern Achilles, when the
Trojan troops were on the point of burning all his galleys.
The men of the Manhattoes plucked up new courage, when
they heard their leader; or rather, they dreaded his fierce
displeasure, of which they stood in more awe than of all
the Swedes in Christendom; but the daring Peter, not
waiting for their aid, plunged, sword in hand, into the
thickest of the foe. Then did he display some such
HISTORY OF
incredible achievements as have never been known since
the miraculous days of the giants. Wherever he went,
the enemy shrunk before 'him : with fierce impetuosity he
pushed forward, driving the Swedes, like dogs, into their
own ditch; but as he fearlessly advanced, the foe, like
rushing waves which close upon the scudding bark,
thronged upon his rear, and hung upon his flank with
fearful peril. One crafty Swede, advancing warily on one
side, drove his dastard sword full at the hero's heart; but
the protecting power that watches over the safety of all
great and good men, turned aside the hostile blade, and
directed it to a side-pocket, where reposed an enormous
iron tobacco-box, endowed, like the shield of Achilles, with
supernatural powers, no doubt in consequence of its being
piously decorated with a portrait of the blessed St. Nicholas.
Thus was the dreadful blow repelled, but not without
occasioning to the great Peter a fearful loss of wind.
Like as a furious bear, when gored by worrying curs,
turns fiercely round, gnashes his teeth, and springs upon
the foe, so did our hero turn upon the treacherous Swede.
The miserable varlet sought in flight for safety ; but the
active Peter, seizing him by an immeasurable queue, that
dangled from his head, Ah, whoreson caterpillar !"
roared he, "here is what shall make dog's meat of thee !"
So saying, he whirled his trusty sword, and made a blow
that would have decapitated him, had he, like Briareus,
half a hundred heads, but that the pitying steel struck
short, and shaved the queue for ever from his crown.
At that very moment, a cunning arquebusier, perched
on the summit of a neighbouring mound, levelled his
deadly instrument, and would have sent the gallant Stuy-
vesant a wailing ghost to haunt the Stygian shore, had
not the watchful Minerva, who had just stopped to tie up
her garters, saw the great peril of her favourite chief, and
despatched old Boreas with his bellows, who, in the very
nick of time, just as the direful match descended to the
NEW-YORK. 295
pan, gave such a lucky blast as blew all the priming from
the touch-hole !
Thus waged the horrid fight, when the stout Risingh,
surveying the battle from the top of a little ravelin,
perceived his faithful troops banged, beaten, and kicked
by the invincible Peter. Language cannot describe the
choler with which he was seized at the sight. He only
stopped for a moment, to disburthen himself of five
thousand anathemas ; and then drawing his immeasurable
faulchion, straddled down to the field of combat, with
some such thundering strides as Jupiter is said by Hesiod
to have taken, when he strode down the spheres, to hurl
his thunderbolts at the Titans.
No sooner did these two rival heroes come face to face,
than they each made a prodigious start, such as is made
by your most experienced stage-champions. Then did
they regard each other for a moment with bitter aspect, like
two furious ram-cats on the very point of a clapper-clawing.
Then did they throw themselves in one attitude, then in
another, striking their swords on the ground, first on the
right side, then on the left ; at last, at it they went, like
five hundred houses on fire ! Words cannot tell the
prodigies of strength and valour displayed on this direful
encounter an encounter, compared to which the far-famed
battles of Ajax with Hector, of Eneas withTurnus, Orlando
with Rodomont, Guy of Warwick with Colbrand the
Dane, or of that renowned Welsh knight, Sir Owen of the
Mountains with the giant Guylon, were all gentle sports
and holiday recreations. At length the valiant Peter,
watching his opportunity, aimed a fearful blow, with the
full intention of cleaving his adversary to the very chine ;
but Risingh, nimbly raising his sword, warded it off so
narrowly, that glancing on one side, it shaved away a
huge canteen that he always carried swung on one side;
thence pursuing its trenchant course, it severed off a deep
coat-pocket, stored with bread and cheese; all which
296 HISTORY OF
dainties, rolling among the armies, occasioned a fearful
scrambling between the Swedes and Dutchmen, and made
the general battle to wax ten times more furious than ever.
Enraged to see his military stores thus wofully laid
waste, the stout Risingh, collecting all his forces, aimed a
mighty blow full at the hero's crest. In vain did his fierce
little cocked-hat oppose its course; the biting steel clove
through the stubborn ram beaver, and would infallibly
have cracked his crown, but that the skull was of such
adamantine hardness, that the brittle weapon shivered into
pieces, shedding a thousand sparks, like beams of glory,
round his grisly visage.
Stunned with the blow, the valiant Peter reeled, turned
up his eyes and beheld fifty thousand suns, besides moons
and stars, dancing about the firmament : at length, missing
his footing, by reason of his wooden leg, down he came, on
his seat of honour, with a crash that shook the surrounding
hills, and would infallibly have wracked his anatomical
system, had he not been received into a cushion softer than
velvet, which providence, or Minerva, or St. Nicholas,
or some kindly cow, had benevolently prepared for his
reception.
The furious Risingh, in despite of that noble maxim,
cherished by all true knights, that " fair play is a jewel,"
hastened to take advantage of the hero's fall ; but just as
he was stooping to give the fatal blow, the ever vigilant
Peter bestowed him a sturdy thwack over the sconce, with
his wooden leg, that set some dozen chimes of bells ringing
triple bobmajors in his cerebellum. The bewildered
Swede staggered with the blow, and in the mean time the
wary Peter, espying a pocket pistol lying hard by, (which
had dropped from the wallet of his faithful squire and
trumpeter, Van Corlear, during his furious encounter
with the drummer,) discharged it full at the head of the
reeling Risingh. Let not my reader mistake it was not
a murderous weapon loaded with powder and ball, but a
NEW-YORK. 297
little sturdy stone pottle, charged to the muzzle with a
double dram of true Dutch courage, which the knowing
Van Corlear always carried about him by way of replenish-*
ing his valour. The hideous missive sung through the air,
and true to its course, as was the mighty fragment of a
rock, discharged at Hector by bully Ajax, encountered the
huge head of the gigantic Swede with matchless violence,
This heaven^ directed blow decided the eventful battle.
The ponderous pericranium of General Jan Risingh sunk
upon his breast; his knees tottered under him; a deathlike
torpor seized upon his Titan frame, and he tumbled to
the earth with such tremendous violence, th^t pld Pluto
started with affright, lest he should have broken through
the roof of his infernal palace.
His fall was the signal of defeat and victory. The
Swedes gave way the Dutch pressed forward the former
took to their heels the latter hotly pursued, Some entered
with them, pell mell, through the sallyport others stormed
the bastion, and others scrambled over the curtain. Thus
in a little while the impregnable fortress of Fort Christina,
which, like another Troy, had stood a siege of full ten
hours, was finally carried by assault, without the loss of SL
single man on either side. Victory, in the likeness of a
gigantic ox^fly, sat perched upon the cocked-hat of the
gallant Stuyvesant; and it was universally declared, by
all the writers whom he hired to write the history of
his expedition, that on this memorable day he gained a
sufficient quantity of glory to immortalize a dozen of the
greatest herpes in Christendom !
2 P
298 HISTORY OF
CHAPTER VIII.
In which the author and the reader, while reposing after the
battle, fall into a very grave discourse after which is recorded
the conduct of Peter Stuyvesant after his victory.
THANKS to St. Nicholas, we have safely finished this
tremendous battle : let us sit down, my worthy reader, and
cool ourselves, for I am in a prodigious sweat and agitation.
Truly this fighting of battles is hot work ! and if your great
commanders did but know what trouble they give their
historians, they would not have the conscience to achieve
so many horrible victories. But methinks I hear my read-
er complain, that throughout this boasted battle, there is
not the least slaughter, nor a single individual maimed, if
we except the unhappy Swede, who was shorn of his queue
by the trenchant blade of Peter Stuyvesant ; all which, he
observes, is a great outrage on probability, and highly in-
jurious to the interest of the narration.
This is certainly an objection of no little moment; but
it arises entirely from the obscurity that envelopes the re-
mote periods of time, about which I have undertaken to
write. Thus, though doubtless, from the importance of
the object, and the prowess of the parties concerned, there
must have been terrible carnage, and prodigies of valour
displayed before the walls of Christina; yet, notwithstand-
ing that I have consulted every history, manuscript, and
tradition, touching this memorable, though long forgotten
battle, 1 cannot find mention made of a single man killed
or wounded in the whole affair.
This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme modesty
of our forefathers, who, like their descendants, were never
prone to vaunt of their achievements; but it is a virtue that
places their historian in a most embarrassing predicament;
for, having promised my readers a hideous and unparalleled
NEW- YORK. 299
battle, and having worked them up into a warlike and blood-
thirsty state of mind, to put them off without any havoc and
slaughter, was as bitter a disappointment, as to summons
a multitude of good people to attend an execution, and then
cruelly baulk them by a reprieve.
Had the inexorable fates only allowed me some half a
score dead men I had been content; for I would have made
them such heroes as abounded in the olden time, but whose
race is now unfortunately extinct. Any one of whom, if
we may believe those authentic writers, the poets, could
drive great armies like sheep before him, and conquer
and desolate whole cities by his single arm.
But seeing that I had not a single life at my disposal,
all that was left me was to make the most I could of my
battle, by means of kicks and cuffs and bruises, and such
like ignoble wounds. And here I cannot but compare my
dilemma, in some sort, to that of the divine Milton, who,
having arrayed with sublime preparation his immortal
hosts against each other, is sadly put to it, how to manage
them, and how he shall make the end of his battle answer
to the beginning; inasmuch as, being mere spirits, he
cannot deal a mortal blow, nor even give a flesh-wound to
any of his combatants. For my part, the greatest diffi-
culty I found, was, when I had once put my warriors in a
passion, and let them loose into the midst of the enemy,
to keep them from doing mischief. Many a time had I
to restrain the sturdy Peter, from cleaving a gigantic
Swede to the very waistband, or spitting half a dozen lit-
tle fellows on his sword, like so many sparrows. And
when 1 had set some hundreds of missives flying in the
air, I did not dare to suffer one of them to reach the
ground, lest it should have put an end to some unlucky
Dutchman.
The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it is to a
writer, thus in a manner to have his hands tied, and how
many tempting opportunities I had to wink at, where I
300 HISTORY Of
might have made as fine a death-blow, as any recorded itt
history or song.
From my owil experience* I begin to doubt most po-
tently of the authenticity of many of Homer's stories. I
verily believe, that when he had once launched one of his
favourite heroes among a crowd of the enemy, he cut
down many an honest fellow, without any authority for so
doing, excepting that he presented a fair mark and that
often a poor devil was sent to grim Pluto's domains, mere-
ly because he had a name that would give a sounding turn
to a period. But I disclaim all such unprincipled liber-
ties let me but have truth and the law on my side, and
no man would fight harder than myself i but since the va-
rious records I consulted did not warrant it, I had too
much conscience to kill a single soldier. By St. Nicholas,
but it would have been a pretty piece of business. My
enemies, the critics, who I foresee will be ready enough
to lay any crime they can discover at my door, might have
charged me with murder outright; and I should have
esteemed myself lucky to escape with no harsher verdict
than manslaughter.
And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly sitting
down here, smoking our pipes, permit me to indulge in a
melancholy reflection which at this moment passes across
my mind. How vain, how fleeting, how uncertain, are
all those gaudy bubbles after which we are panting and
toiling in this world of fair delusions* The wealth which
the miser has amassed with so many weary days, so many
sleepless nights, a spendthrift heir may squander away in
joyless prodigality. The noblest monuments which pride
has ever reared to perpetuate a frame* the hand of time
will shortly tumble into ruins ; and even the brightest lau-
rels, gained by feats of arms, may wither and be for ever
blighted by the chilling neglect of mankind. " How many
illustrious heroes," says the good Boetius, " who were
once the pride and glory of the age, hath the silence of
NEW-YORK. 301
historians buried in eternal oblivion!" And this it was
that induced the Spartans when they went to battle, so-
lemnly to sacrifice to the muses, supplicating that their
achievements should be worthily recorded. Had not Ho-
mer tuned his lofty lyre, observes the elegant Cicero* the
valour of Achilles had remained unsung* And such too,
after all the toils and perils he had braved, after all the
gallant actions he had achieved, such too had nearly been
the fate of the chivalric Peter Stuy vesant, but that I for-
tunately stepped in and engraved his name on the indeli-
ble tablet of history, just as the caitiff Time was silently
brushing it away for ever !
The more I reflect, the more am I astonished at the
important character of the historian. He is the sovereign
censor $ to decide upon the renown Or infamy of his fellow-
men. He is the patron of kings and conquerors, on whom
it depends whether they shall live in after ages, or be for-
gotten as were their ancestors before them. The tyrant
may oppress while the object of his tyranny exists ; but
the historian possesses superior might, for his power ex-
tends even beyond the grave. The shades of departed
and long forgotten heroes anxiously bend down from
above, while he writes, watching each movement of his
pen, whether it shall pass by their names with neglect, or
inscribe them on the deathless pages of renown. Even
the drop of ink that hangs trembling on his pen, which
he may either dash upon the floor, or waste in idle scrawl-
ings that very drop, which to him is not worth the twen-
tieth part of a farthing, may be of incalculable value to
some departed worthy may elevate half a score, in one
moment, to immortality, who would have given worlds,
had they possessed them, to insure the glorious meed.
Let not my readers imagine, however, that I am in-
dulging in vainglorious boastings, or am anxious to blazon
forth the importance of my tribe. On the contrary, I
shrink when I reflect on the awful responsibility we his-
302 HISTORY OF
torians assume I shudder to think what direful commo-
tions and calamities we occasion in the world I swear to
thee, honest reader, as I am a man, I weep at the very
idea! -Why, let me ask, are so many illustrious men
daily tearing themselves away from the embraces of their
families slighting the smiles of beauty despising the
allurements of fortune, and exposing themselves to the
miseries of war? Why are kings desolating empires, and
depopulating whole countries ? In short, what induces
all great men, of all ages and countries, to commit so
many victories and misdeeds, and inflict so many miseries
upon mankind and on themselves, but the mere hope that
some historian will kindly take them into notice, and ad-
mit them into a corner of his volume. For, in short, the
mighty object of all their toils, their hardships, and pri-
vations, is nothing but immortal fame and what is im-
mortal fame ! why, half a page of dirty paper !
Alas ! alas ! how humiliating the idea that the renown
of so great a man as Peter Stuyvesant should depend up-
on the pen of so little a man as Diedrich Knickerbocker !
And now, having refreshed ourselves after the fatigues
and perils of the field, it behoves us to return once more
to the scene of conflict, and inquire what were the results
of this renowned conquest. The fortress of Christina
being the fair metropolis, and in a manner the key to New
Sweden, its capture was speedily followed by the entire
subjugation of the province. This was not a little pro-
moted by the gallant and courteous deportment of the
chivalric Peter. Though a man terrible in battle, yet in
the hour of victory was he endued with a spirit generous,
merciful, and humane. He vaunted not over his enemies,
nor did he make defeat more galling by unmanly insults ;
for like that mirror of knightly virtue, the renowned Pa-
ladin Orlando, he was more anxious to do great actions,
than to talk of them after they were done. He put no man
to death ; ordered no houses to be burnt down ; permitted
NEW-YORK. 303
no ravages to be perpetrated on the property of the van-
quished ; and even gave one of his bravest officers a severe
admonition with his walking-staff, for having been detected
in the act of sacking a hen-roost.
He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting the inha-
bitants to submit to the authority of their high mighti-
nesses; but declaring 3 with unexampled clemency, that
whoever refused should be lodged at the public expense,
in a goodly castle provided for the purpose, and have an
armed retinue to wait on them in the bargain. In conse-
quence of these beneficent terms, about thirty Swedes
stepped manfully forward and took the oath of allegiance;
in reward for which they were graciously permitted to re-
main on the banks of the Delaware, where their descend-
ants reside at this very day. But I am told by divers
observant travellers, that they have never been able to get
over the chap-fallen looks of their ancestors, and do still
unaccountably transmit from father to son, manifest marks
of the sound drubbing given them by the sturdy Amster-
dammers.
The whole country of New Sweden having thus yielded
to the arms of the triumphant Peter, was reduced to a
colony called South River, and placed under the superin-
tendence of a lieutenant governor; subject to the control
of the supreme government at New- Amsterdam. This
great dignitary was called Mynheer William Beekman, or
rather .Becfc-man, who derived his surname, as did Ovidius
Naso of yore, from the lordly dimensions of his nose, which
projected from the centre of his countenance, like the beak
of a parrot. He was the great progenitor of the tribe of
the Beekmans, one of the most ancient and honourable
families of the province, the members of which do grate-
fully commemorate the origin of their dignity, not as your
noble families in England would do, by having a glowing
proboscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, but by one
304 HISTORY OF
and all, wearing a right goodly nose, stuck in the very
middle of their faces.
'
Thus was this perilous en terprize gloriously terminated,
with the loss of only two men : Wolfert Van Home, a
tall spare man, who was knocked overboard by the boom
of a sloop, in a flaw of wind ; and fat Brom Van Bummel,
who was suddenly carried off by an indigestion: both,
however, were immortalized, as having bravely fallen in
the service of their country. True it is, Peter Stuyvesant
had one of his limbs terribly fractured, being shattered to
pieces in the act of storming the fortress; but as it was
fortunately his wooden leg, the wound was promptly and
effectually healed.
And now nothing remains to this branch of my history,
but to mention, that this immaculate hero, and his victori-
ous army, returned joyously to the Manhattoes, marching
under the shade of their laurels, as did the followers of
young Malcolm, under the moving forest of Dunsinane,
Thus did they make a solemn and triumphant entry into
New- Amsterdam, bearing with them the conquered Ri^
singh, and the remnant of his battered crew, who had re-
fused allegiance. For it appears that the gigantic Swede
had only fallen into a swound, at the end of the battle,
from whence he was speedily restored by a wholesome
tweak of the nose.
These captive heroes were lodged, according to the
promise of the governor, at the public expense, in a fair
and spacious castle ; being the prison of state, of which
Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the immortal conqueror of Oyster
Bay, was appointed governor ; and which has ever since
remained in the possession of his descendants,*
* This castle, though very much altered and modernized, is still in
being, and stands at the corner of PearUstreet, facing Coentie's slip.
NEW-YORK. SOS
It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness the joy of
the people of New- Amsterdam, at beholding their warri-
ors once more returned from this war in the wilderness.
The old women thronged round Anthony Van Corlear,
who gave the whole history of the campaign with match-
less accuracy ; saving that he took the credit of fighting
the whole battle himself, and especially of vanquishing the
stout Risingh, which he considered himself as clearly
entitled to, seeing that it was effected by his own stone
pottle.
The schoolmasters throughout the town gave holiday
to their little urchins, who followed in droves after the
drums, with paper caps on their heads, and sticks in their
breeches, thus taking the first lesson in the art of war.
As to the sturdy rabble, they thronged at the heels of Pe-
ter Stuyvesant wherever he went, waving their greasy
hats in the air, and shouting " Hard-koppig Piet for
ever !"
It was, indeed, a day of roaring rout and jubilee. A
huge dinner was prepared at the Stadthouse in honour of
the conquerors, where were assembled in one glorious con-
stellation, the great and the little luminaries of New- Am-
sterdam. There were the lordly schout and his obsequi-
ous deputy the burgomasters with their officious schepens
at their elbows the subaltern officers at the elbows of the
schepens ; and so on, to the lowest grade of illustrious
hangers-on of police ; every tag having his rag at his side,
to finish his pipe, drink off his heel-taps, and laugh at his
flights of immortal dulness. In short, for a city feast is a
city feast all the world over, and has been a city feast ever
since the creation ; the dinner went off much the same as
do our great corporation jimkettings, and fourth of July
banquets. Loads offish, flesh, and fowl, were devoured,
oceans of liquor drank, thousands of pipes smoked, and
many a dull joke honoured with much obstreperous fat-
sided laughter.
2 Q
306 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK.
I must not omit to mention, that to this far-famed vic-
tory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for another of his
many titles; for so hugely delighted were the honest burgh-
ers with his achievements, that they unanimously ho-
noured him with the name of Pieter de Groodt, that is to
say, Peter the Great, or as it was translated by the people
of New- Amsterdam, Pitt de Pig an appellation which
he maintained even unto the day of his death.
END OF BOOK SIXTH.
CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER
THE HEADSTRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH
NATION ; AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH
DYNASTY.
CHAPTER I.
How Peter Stuyvesani relieved the sovereign people from the bur-
then of taking care of the nation with sundry particulars of
his conduct in time of peace.
JT HE history of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant furnishes a
melancholy picture of the incessant cares and vexations in-
separable from government ; and may serve as a solemn
warning, to all who are ambitious of attaining the seat of
power. Though crowned with victory, enriched by con-
quest, and returning in triumph to his metropolis, his ex-
ultation was checked by beholding the sad abuses that had
taken place during the short interval of his absence.
The populace, unfortunately for their own comfort, had
taken a deep draught of the intoxicating cup of power,
during the reign of William the Testy; and though, upon
the accession of Peter Stuyvesant, they felt, with a certain
instinctive perception, which mobs as well as cattle pos-
sess, that the reigns of government had passed into strong-
er hands ; yet could they not help fretting, and chafing,
and champing upon the bit, in restive silence.
It seems by some strange and inscrutable fatality, to be
the destiny of most countries, (and more especially of your
308 HISTORY OF
enlightened republics), always to be governed by the most
incompetent man in the nation ; so that you will scarcely
find an individual throughout the whole community, but
who will detect to you innumerable errors in administra-
tion, and convince you in the end, that had he been at the
head of affairs, matters would have gone on a thousand
times more prosperously. Strange ! that government,
which seems to be so generally understood, should inva-
riably be so erroneously administered strange, that the
talent of legislation, so prodigally bestowed, should be de-
nied to the only man in the nation to whose station it is
requisite !
Thus it was in the present instance, not a man of all the
herd of pseudo-politicians in New- Amsterdam, but was an
oracle on topics of state, and could have directed public
affairs incomparably better than Peter Stuyvesant. But
so severe was the old governor in his disposition, that he
would never suffer one of the multitude of able counsel-
lors by whom he was surrounded, to intrude his advice,
and save the country from destruction.
Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his expedition
against the Swedes, than the old factions of William Kieft's
reign began to thrust their heads above water, and to ga-
ther together in political meetings, to discuss " the state
of the nation." At these assemblages the busy burgomas-
ters and their officious schepens made a very considerable
figure. These worthy dignitaries were no longer the fat,
well fed, tranquil magistrates, that presided in the peace-
ful days of Wouter Van Twiller. On the contrary, be-
ing elected by the people, they formed in a manner a stur-
dy bulwark, between the mob and the administration.
They were great candidates for popularity, and strenuous
advocates for the rights of the rabble ; resembling in dis-
interested zeal the wide-mouthed tribunes of ancient Rome,
or those virtuous patriots of modern days, emphatically
denominated " the friends of the people."
NEW-YORK. 309
Under the tuition of these profound politicians, it is as-
tonishing how suddenly enlightened the swinish multitude
became, in matters above their comprehensions. Cob-
blers, tinkers, and tailors all at once felt themselves in-
spired, like those religious idiots, in the glorious times of
monkish illumination ; and without any previous study or
experience, became instantly capable of directing all the
movements of government. Nor must I neglect to men-
tion a number of superannuated, wrong-headed old burgh-
ers, who had come over when boys, in the crew of the Goede
Vrouw, and were held up as infallible oracles by the en-
lightened mob. To suppose that a man who had helped
to discover a country did not know how it ought to be go-
verned, was preposterous in the extreme. It would have
been deemed as much a heresy, as at the present day to
question the political talents, and universal infallibility, of
our old " heroes of '76" and to doubt that he who had
fought for a government, however stupid he might natu-
rally be, was not competent to fill any station under it.
But as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular inclination to
govern his province without the assistance of his subjects,
he felt highly incensed on his return to find the factious
appearance they had assumed during his absence. His
first measure, therefore, was to restore perfect order, by
prostrating the dignity of the sovereign people.
He accordingly watched his opportunity, and one even-
ing, when the enlightened mob was gathered together, lis-
tening to a patriotic speech from an inspired cobbler, the
intrepid Peter, like his great namesake of all the Russias,
all at once appeared among them, with a countenance suf-
ficient to petrify a millstone. The whole meeting was
thrown into consternation the orator seemed to have re-
ceived a paralytic stroke in the very middle of a sublime
sentence, and stood aghast with open mouth and trembling
knees, whilst the words horror ! tyranny ! liberty ! rights !
taxes ! death ! destruction ! and a deluge of other patriotic
HlSTOllY OF
phrases came roaring from his throat, before he had
power to close his lips. The shrewd Peter took no notice
of the skulking throng around him, but advancing to the
brawling bully-ruffian, and drawing out a huge silver watch,
which might have served in times of yore as a town-clock,
and which is still retained by his descendants as a family
curiosity, requested the orator to mend it, and set it going.
The orator humbly confessed it was utterly out of his power,
as he was unacquainted with the nature of its construction.
" Nay, but," said Peter, " try your ingenuity, man : you
see all the springs and wheels, and how easily the clumsi-
est hand may stop it, and pull it to pieces ; and why should
it not be equally easy to regulate as to stop it?" The
orator declared that his trade was wholly different, he was
a poor cobbler, and had never meddled with a watch in
his life. That there were men skilled in the art, whose
business it was to attend to those matters ; but for his part,
he should only mar the workmanship, and put the whole
in confusion " Why, harkee, master of mine," cried Pe-
ter, turning suddenly upon him, with a countenance that
almost petrified the patcher of shoes into a perfect lapstone
dost thou pretend to meddle with the movements of
government to regulate and correct and patch and cob-
ble a complicated machine, the principles of which are
above thy comprehension, and its simplest operations too
subtle for thy understanding, when thou canst not correct
a trifling error in a common piece of mechanism, the whole
mystery of which is open to thy inspection ? Hence with
thee to the leather and stone, which are emblems of thy
head ; cobble thy shoes, and confine thyself to the vocation
for which heaven has fitted thee But," elevating his voice
until it made the welkin ring, " if ever I catch thee, or any
of thy tribe, meddling again with the affairs of government
by St. Nicholas, but I'll have every mother's bastard of ye
flea'd alive, and your hides stretched for drum-heads, that
ye may thenceforth make a noise to some purpose !"
NEW-YORK. 311
This threat, and the trer endous voice in which it was
uttered, caused the whole multitude to quake with fear.
The hair of the orator rose on his head like his own
swine's bristles, and not a knight of the thimble present
but his heart died within him, and he felt as though he
could have verily escaped through the eye of a needle.
But though this measure produced the desired effect in
reducing the community to order, yet it tended to injure
the popularity of the great Peter among the enlightened
vulgar. Many accused him of entertaining highly aristo-
cratic sentiments, and of leaning too much in favour of
the patricians. Indeed there appeared to be some grounds
for such an accusation, as he always carried himself with
a very lofty, soldier-like port, and was somewhat particu-
lar in his dress ; dressing himself, when not in uniform, in
simple but rich apparel ; and was especially noted for hav-
ing his sound leg (which was a very comely one) always
arrayed in a red stocking, and high-heeled shoe. Though
a man of great simplicity of manners, yet there was some-
thing about him that repelled rude familiarity, while it
encouraged frank, and even social intercourse.
He likewise observed some appearance of court cere-
mony and etiquette. He received the common class of
visitors on the stoop * before his door, according to the
custom of our Dutch ancestors. But when visitors were
formally received in his parlour, it was expected they
would appear in clean linen; by no means to be bare
footed, and always to take their hats off. On public oc-
casions he appeared with great pomp of equipage, (for in
truth, his station required a little show and dignity,) and
always rode to church in a yellow waggon, with flaming
red wheels.
These symptoms of state and ceremony occasioned con-
Properly spelled start: the porch commonly built in front of
Dutch houses, with benches on each side.
312 HISTORY OF
siderable discontent among the vulgar. They had been
accustomed to find easy access to their former governors,
and in particular had lived on terms of extreme familiar-
ity with William the Testy. They therefore were very
impatient of these dignified precautions, which discourag-
ed intrusion. But Peter Stuyvesant had his own way of
thinking in these matters, and was a staunch upholder of
the dignity of office.
He always maintained that government to be the least
popular, which is most open to popular access and con-
trol ; and that the very brawlers against court ceremony,
and the reserve of men in power, would soon despise
rulers among whom they found even themselves to be of
consequence. Such, at least, had been the case with the
administration of William the Testy; who, bent on mak-
ing himself popular, had listened to every man's advice,
suffered every body to have admittance to his person at
all hours; and, in a word, treated every one as his tho-
rough equal. By this means every scrub politician, and
public busybody, was enabled to measure wits with him,
and to find out the true dimensions, not only of his per-
son, but his mind. And what great man can stand such
scrutiny ?
It is the mystery that envelopes great men, that gives
them half their greatness. We are always inclined to
think highly of those who hold themselves aloof from our
examination. There is likewise a kind of superstitious
reverence for office, which leads us to exaggerate the me-
rits and abilities of men in power, and to suppose that
they must be constituted different from other men. And,
indeed, faith is as necessary in politics as in religion. It
certainly is of the first importance, that a country should
be governed by wise men ; but then it is almost equally
important, that the people should believe them to be wise;
for this belief alone can produce willing subordination.
To keep up, therefore, this desirable confidence in
NEW- YORK. 313
rulers, the people should be allowed to see as little of
them as possible. He who gains access to cabinets soon
finds out by what foolishness the world is governed. He
discovers that there is quackery in legislation, as well as
in every thing else ; that many a measure, which is sup-
posed by the million to be the result of great wisdom and
deep deliberation, is the effect of mere chance, or perhaps
of hair-brained experiment. That rulers have their whims
and errors as well as other men, and after all are not SQ
wonderfully superior to their fellow-creatures as he at first
imagined ; since he finds that even his own opinions have
had some weight with them. Thus awe subsides into con-
fidence, confidence inspires familiarity, and familiarity pro-
duces contempt. Peter Stuyvesant, on the contrary, by
conducting himself with dignity and loftiness, was Ipoked
up to with great reverence. As he never gave his r/easpns
for any thing he did, the public always gave him credit
for very profound ones. Every movement, however in-
trinsically unimportant, was a matter of speculation ; and
his very red stocking excited some respect, as being t dif-
ferent from the stockings of other men.
To these times may we refer the rise of family pride and
aristocratic distinctions ; * and indeed 1 cannot but look
back with reverence to the early planting of jtljose mighty
Dutch families, which have taken such vigorous root, and
branched out so luxuriantly in our state. The blood
which has flowed down uncontaminated through a succes-
sion of steady, virtuous generations, since the times of tfye
patriarchs of Communipaw, must certainly be pure and
worthy. And if so, then are the Van Rensellaers, the
* In a work published many years after the time here treate4
(in 1701 by C. W. A. M.) it is mentioned that Frederick Philipse was
counted the richest Mynheer in New- York, and was said to have whole
hogsheads of Indian money or wampum; and had a son and daughter,
according to the Dutch custom, should divide it equally.
2 R
HISTORY OF
Van Zandts, the Van Homes, the Rutgers, the Bensons,
the Brinkerhoffs, the Schermerhorns, and all the true de-
scendants of the ancient Pavonians, the only legitimate
nobility and real lords of the soil.
I have been led to mention thus particularly, the well
authenticated claims of our genuine Dutch families, be-
cause I have noticed with great sorrow and vexation, that
they have been somewhat elbowed aside in latter days, by
foreign intruders. , It is really astonishing to behold how
many great families have sprung up of late years, who
pride themselves excessively on the score of ancestry.
Thus he who can look up to his father without humilia-
tion assumes not a little importance he who can safely
talk of his grandfather, is still more vainglorious but he
who can look back to his great grandfather, without blush-
ing, is absolutely intolerable in his pretensions to family.
Bless us ! what a piece of work is here, between these
mushrooms of an hour, and these mushrooms of a day !
But from what I have recounted in the former part of
this chapter, I would not have my reader imagine that
the great Peter was a tyrannical governor, ruling his sub-
jects with a rod of iron on the contrary, where the dig-
nity of authority was not implicated, he abounded with
generosity and courteous condescension. In fact he really
believed, though I fear my more enlightened republican
readers will consider it a proof of his ignorance and illi-
berality, that in preventing the cup of social life from be-
ing dashed with the intoxicating ingredient of politics, he
promoted the tranquillity and happiness of the people-
and by detaching their minds from subjects which they
could not understand, and which only tended to inflame
their passions, he enabled them to attend more faithfully
and industriously to their proper callings ; becoming more
useful citizens and more attentive to their families and for-
tunes.
So far from having any unreasonable austerity, he de-
NEW-YORK. 315
lighted to see the poor and the labouring man rejoice, and
for this purpose was a great promoter of holidays and
public amusements. Under his reign was first introduced
the custom of cracking eggs at Paas or Easter. New
year's day was also observed with extravagant festivity
and ushered in by the ringing of bells and firing of guns.
Every house was a temple to the jolly god. Oceans of
cherry brandy, true Hollands, and mulled cyder, were set
afloat on the occasion ; and not a poor man in town, but
made it a point to get drunk, out of a principle of pure
economy taking in liquor enough to serve him for half a
year afterwards.
It would have done one's heart good also. to have seen
the valiant Peter, seated among the old burghers and their
wives of a Saturday afternoon, under the great trees that
spread their shade over the Battery, watching the young
men and women as they danced on the green. Here he
would smoke his pipe, crack his joke, and forget the rug-
ged toils of war, in the sweet oblivious festivities of peace.
He would occasionally give a nod of approbation to those
of the young men who shuffled and kicked most vigorous-
ly, and now and then give a hearty smack, in all honesty
of soul, to the buxom lass that held out longest, and tired
down all her competitors, which he considered as infallible
proofs of her being the best dancer. Once it is true the
harmony of the meeting \yas rather interrupted. A young
vrouw, of great figure in the gay world, and who, having
lately come from Holland, of course led the fashions in
the city, made her appearance in not more than half a
dozen petticoats, and these too of most alarming short-
ness. An universal whisper ran through the assembly,
the old ladies all felt shocked in the extreme, the young
ladies blushed, and felt excessively for the " poor thing,"
and even the governor himself was observed to be a little
troubled in mind. To complete the astonishment of the
good folks, she undertook in the course of a jig, to de-
316 HISTORY OF
scribe sbriie astonishing figures in algebra, which she had
learned from a dancing master in Rotterdam. Whether
she was too animated in flourishing her feet, or whether
softie vagabond Zephyr took the liberty of obtruding his
services, certain it is, that in the course of a grand evolu-
tion, which would not have disgraced a modern ball-room,
she made a most unexpected display whereat the whole
assembly was thrown into great admiration, several grave
country members were not a little moved, and the good
Peter himself, who wzis a man of unparalleled modesty*
felt himself grievously scandalized;
The shortness of the female dresses, which had conti-
nued in fashion ever since the days of William Kieft, had
long offended his eye ; and though extremely averse to
riieddlirig with the petticoats of the ladies, yet he immedi-
ately recoiutnended, that every one should be furnished
Ivith a flounce to the bottbrh. He likewise ordered that
the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen* should use no other
step in dancing, than shuffle and turn* and double trouble ;
and forbade, under pain of his high displeasure, any young
lady thenceforth to attempt what was termed, " exhibit-
ing the graces."
These were the tinly restrictions he ever imposed upon
the sefc, arid these were cohsidered by them as tyrannical
oppressions, arid resisted with that becoming spirit always
manifested by the gentle sex, whenever their privileges are
invaded In fact, Peter Stuyvesant plainly perceived, that
if he attempted to push the matter any further, there was
danger of their leaving-off petticoats altogether; so like a
wise man, experienced in the ways of women, he held his
peace, and suffered them ever after to wear their petticoats
and cut their capers, as high as they pleased.
NEW-YORK; 317
CHAPTER IL
How Peter Stuyvesant was much molested by the Moss-troopers
of the East, and the Giants of Merryland ; and how a dark
and horrid conspiracy was carried on in the British Cabinet
against the prosperity of the Manhattoes.
WE are now approaching towards the crisis of our
\tork, and if I be not mistaken in my forebodings* we
shall have a world of business to despatch in the ensuing
chapters.
It is with some communities as it is with certain med-
dlesome individuals, they have a wonderful facility at get-
ting into scrapes; and I have always remarked, that those
are most liable to get in who have the least talent at get-
ting out again. This is, doubtless, owing to the excessive
valour of those states ; for I have likewise noticed, that
this rampant and ungovernable quality is always most un-
ruly where most confined, which accounts for its vapour-
ing so amazingly in little states, little men, and ugly little
women more especially.
Thus, when one reflects that the province of the Man-
hattoes, though of prodigious importance in the eyes of its
inhabitants and its historianj was really of no very great
consequence in the eyes of the rest of the world ; that it
had but little wealth or other spoils to reward the trouble
of assailing it, and that it had nothing to expect from run-
ning wantonly into war, save an exceeding good beating;
on pondering these things, I say, one would utterly de-
spair of finding in its history either battle or bloodshed,
or any other of those calamities which give importance to
a nation, and entertainment to the reader. But> on the
contrary, we find, so valiant is this province, that it has
already drawn upon itself a host of enemies; has had as
318 HISTORY OF
many bufferings as would gratify the ambition of the most
warlike nation ; and is, in sober sadness, a very forlorn,
distressed, and wo-begone little province ! all which was,
no doubt, kindly ordered by providence, to give interest
and sublimity to this pathetic history.
But I forbear to enter into a detail of the pitiful maraud-
ings and harassments that for a long while after the vic-
tory on the Delaware, continued to insult the dignity, and
disturb the repose of the Nederlanders. Suffice it in
brevity to say, that the implacable hostility of the people
of the east, which had so miraculously been prevented
from breaking out, as my readers must remember, by the
sudden prevalence of witchcraft, and the dissensions in the
council of Amphyctions, now again displayed itself in a
thousand grievous and bitter scourings upon the borders.
Scarcely a month passed but what the Dutch settle-
ments on the frontiers were alarmed by the sudden appear-
ance of an invading army from Connecticut. This would
advance resolutely through the country, like a puissant
caravan of the deserts, the women and children mounted
in carts loaded with pots and kettles, as though they meant
to boil the honest Dutchmen alive, and devour them like
so many lobsters. At the tail of these carts would stalk a
crew of long-limbed, lank-sided varlets, with axes on their
shoulders, and packs on their backs, resolutely bent upon
improving the country in despite of its proprietors. These
settling themselves down, would in a short time completely
dislodge the unfortunate Nederlanders, elbowing them out
of those rich bottoms and fertile valleys, in which our
Dutch yeomanry are so famous for nestling themselves ;
for it is notorious, that wherever these shrewd men of the
east get a footing, the honest Dutchmen do gradually dis-
appear, retiring slowly, like the Indians before the Whites,
being totally discomfited by the talking, chaffering, swap-
ping, bargaining disposition of their new neighbours.
All these audacious infringements on the territories of
NEW- YORK. 319
their high mightinesses were accompanied, as has before
been hinted, by a world of rascally brawls, rib-roastings,
and bundlings, which would doubtless have incensed the
valiant Peter to wreak immediate chastisement, had he not
at the very same time been perplexed by distressing ac-
counts from Mynheer Beckman, who commanded the
territories at South river.
The restless Swedes, who had so graciously been suf-
fered to remain about the Delaware, already began to
show signs of mutiny and disaffection. But what was
worse, a peremptory claim was laid to the whole territory,
as the rightful property of Lord Baltimore, by Fendal, a
chieftain who lived over the colony of Maryland, or Mer-
ry-land, as it was anciently called, because the inhabit-
ants, not having the fear of the Lord before their eyes,
were notoriously prone to get fuddled and make merry
with mint-julep and apple-toddy. Nay, so hostile was
this bully Fendal, that he threatened, unless his claim were
instantly complied with, to march incontinently at the head
of a potent force of the roaring boys of Merry-land, toge-
ther with a great and mighty train of giants, who infested
the banks of the Susquehannah ; * and to lay waste and
depopulate the whole country of South river.
By this it is manifest, that this boasted colony, like all
great acquisitions of territory, soon became a greater evil
* We find very curious and wonderful accounts of these strange
people (who were doubtless the ancestors of the present Mary-
landers) made by Master Hariot, in his interesting history. " The
Susquesahanocks," observes he, " are a giantly people, strange in
proportion, behaviour, and attire; their voice sounding from them
as if out a cave. Their tobacco-pipes were three quarters of a yard
long, carved at the great end with a bird, beare, or other device, suf-
ficient to beat out the braines of a horse, (and how many asses' braines
are beaten out, or rather men's braines smoked out, and asses' brains
haled in, by our lesser pipes at home). The calfe of one of their legges
was measured three quarters of a yard about, the rest of his limbs
proportionable."
Master Harlots Journ. Purch. PIL
320 HISTORY OF
to the conqueror, than the loss of it was to the conquered ;
and caused greater uneasiness and trouble, than all the
territory of the New Netherlands besides. Thus provir-
dence wisely orders, that one evil shall balance another.
The conqueror who wrests the property of his neighbour,
who wrongs a nation and desolates a country, though he
may acquire increase of empire, and immortal fame, yet
insures his own inevitable punishment. He takes to him-
self a cause of endless anxiety he incorporates with his
late sound domain, a loose part a rotten, disaffected
member 5 which is an exhaustless source of internal trea-
son and disunion, and external altercation and hostility.
Happy is that nation, which, compact, united, loyal in all
its parts, and concentrated in its strength, seeks no idle
acquisition of unprofitable and ungovernable territory
which, content to be prosperous and happy, has no ambir-
tion to be great. It is like a man well organized in all
his system, sound in health, and full of vigour ; unincum-
bered by useless trappings, and fixed in an unshaken at-
titude. But the nation, insatiable of territory, whose do-
mains are scattered, feebly united, and weakly organized,
is like a senseless miser sprawling among golden stores,
open to every attack, and unable to defend the riches he
vainly endeavours to overshadow.
At the time of receiving the alarming dispatches from
South river, the great Peter was busily employed in quell-
ing certain Indian troubles that had broken out about Eso-
pus, and was moreover meditating how to relieve his east-
ern borders on the Connecticut. He, however, sent word
to Mynheer Beckman to be of good heart, to maintain
incessant vigilance, and to let him know, if matters wore
a more threatening appearance ; in which case he would
incontinently repair with his warriors of the Hudson, to
spoil the merriment of these Merryrlanders ; for he cor
veted exceedingly to have a bout, hand to hand, with some
half a score of these giants having never encountered a
NEW-YORK. 321
giant in his whole life, unless we may so call the stout
Risingh, and he was but a Uttle one.
Nothing further, however, occurred to molest the tran*
quillity of Mynheer Beckman and his colony. Feudal
and his myrmidons remained at home, carousing it soundly
upon hoe-cakes, bacon, and mint-julep, and running horses,
and fighting cocks, for which they were greatly renowned.
At hearing of this, Peter Stuy vesant was very well pleased ;
for, notwithstanding his inclination to measure weapons
with these monstrous men of the Susquehannafr, yet he
had already as much employment nearer home, ^s he
could turn his hands to. Little did he think, worthy soul,
that this southern calm was but the deceitful prelude to a
most terrible and fatal storm, then brewing, which was
soon to burst forth and overwhelm the unsuspecting city
of New Amsterdam !
Now so it was, that while this excellent governor was
giving his little senate laws, and not only giving them,
but enforcing them too while he was incessantly travel-?
ling the rounds of his beloved province posting frorn
place to place to redress grievances, and while busy at one
corner ,of his dominions, all the rest getting into an uproar.
At this very time, I say, a dark and direful plot was hatch-
ing against hirn, in that nursery of monstrous projects, the
British cabinet, The news of his achievements on the
Delaware, according to a sage old historian of New- Am-
sterdam, had occasioned not a little talk and marvel in
the courts of Europe. And the same profound writer as-
sures us that the cabinet of England began to entertain
great jealousy and uneasiness at the increasing power of
the Manhattoes, and the valour of its sturdy yeomanry.
Agents, the historian observes, were sent by the Am-
phyctionic council of the east, to entreat the assistance of
the British cabinet in subjugating this mighty province.
Lord Sterling also asserted his right to Long-Island ; and,
$t the same time, Lord Baltimore, whose agent, as has
2 S
HISTORY OF
before been mentioned, had so alarmed Mynheer Beck-
man, laid his claim before the cabinet, to the lands of
South river, which he complained were unjustly and for-
cibly detained from him, by these daring usurpers of the
Nieuw Nederlandts.
Thus did the unlucky empire of the Manhattoes stand
in imminent danger of experiencing the fate of Poland,
and being torn limb from limb to be shared among its
savage neighbours. But while these rapacious powers
were whetting their fangs, and waiting for the signal to fall
tooth and nail upon this delicious little fat Dutch empire ;
the lordly lion, who sat as umpire, all at once laid his
mighty paw upon the spoil, and settled the claims of all
parties, by granting none of them. For we are told, that
his majesty, Charles the Second, not to be perplexed by
adjusting these several pretensions, made a present of a
large tract of North America, including the province of
New Netherlands, to his brother, the Duke of York a
donation truly royal, since none but great monarchs have
a right to give away what does not belong to them.
That this munificent gift might not be merely nominal,
his majesty, on the 12th of March, 1664, ordered that an
armament should be forthwith prepared, to invade the
city of New- Amsterdam by land and water, and put his
brother in complete possession of the premises.
Thus critically are situated the affairs of the New
Netherlanders. The honest burghers, so far from think-
ing of the jeopardy in which their interests are placed,
are soberly smoking their pipes, and thinking of nothing
at all the privy counsellors of the province are at this
moment snoring in full quorum, like the drones of five
hundred bagpipes ; while the active Peter, who takes all
the labour of thinking and acting upon himself is busily
devising some method of bringing the grand council of
Amphyctions to terms. In the meanwhile an angry cloud
is darkly scowling on the horizon soon shall it rattle about
NE W-YORK. 323
the ears of these dozing Nederlanders, and put the mettle
of their stout-hearted governor completely to the trial.
But come what may, I here pledge my veracity that in
all warlike conflicts and subtle perplexities, he shall still
acquit himself with the gallant bearing and spotless honour
of a noble-minded obstinate old cavalier. Forward, then,
to the charge ! shine out propitious stars on the renowned
city of the Manhattoes ; and may the blessings of St. Ni-
cholas go with thee honest Peter Stuyvesant !
CHAPTER III.
Of Peter Stuyvesant's expedition into the East Country ; showing
that though an old bird, he did not understand trap.
GREAT nations resemble great men in this particular,
that their greatness is seldom known until they get in
trouble ; adversity, therefore, has been wisely denominated
the ordeal of true greatness, which, like gold, can never
receive its real estimation, until it has passed through the
furnace. In proportion therefore as a nation, a community,
or an individual (possessing the inherent quality of great-
ness) is involved in perils and misfortunes, in proportion
does it rise in grandeur and even when sinking under
calamity, makes, like a house on fire, a more glorious dis-
play, than ever it did, in the fairest period of its pros-
perity.
The vast empire of China, though teeming with popu-
lation, and imbibing and concentrating the wealth of
nations, has vegetated through a succession of drowsy
ages ; and were it not for its internal revolution, and the
subversion of its* ancient government by the Tartars,
might have presented nothing but an uninteresting detail
of dull, monotonous prosperity. Pompeii and Herculan-
MIST DRY OF
inight have' passed into oblivion, with a herd of their
contemporaries, had they not been fortunately overwhelm-
ed by a volcano. The renowned city of Troy has acquired
celebrity only from its ten years' distress, and final confla-
gration ; Paris rises in importance by the plots and mas-
sacres, which have ended in the exaltation of the illustri-
ous Napoleon ; and even the mighty London itself has
skulked through the records of time, celebrated for nothing
of moment, excepting the plague, the great fire, and Guy
Faux's gunpowder plot ! Thus cities and empires seem
to creep along, enlarging in silent obscurity under the pen
of the historian, until at length they burst forth in some
tremendous calamity, and snatch, as it were, immortality
from the explosion !
The above principle being admitted, my reader will
plainly perceive that the city of New- Amsterdam and its
dependent province are on the high road to greatness.
Dangers and hostilities threaten from every side, and it is
really a matter of astonishment to me, how so small a state
has been able in so short a time to entangle itself in so
many difficulties. Ever since the province was first taken
by the nose, at the Fort of Good Hope, in the tranquil
days of Wouter Van Twiller, has it been gradually in-
creasing in historic importance ; and never could it have
had a more appropriate chieftain to conduct it to the pin-
nacle of grandeur than Peter Stuy vesant.
In the fiery heart of this iron-headed old warrior sat
enthroned all those five kinds of courage described by
Aristotle ; and had the philosopher mentioned five hundred
more to the back of them j I verily believe, he would have
been found master of them all. The only misfortune was,
that he was deficient in the better part of valour called dis-
cretion, a cold-blooded virtue which could not exist in the
tropical climate of his mighty soul. Hence it was, he was
continually hurrying into those unheard-of enterprises that
325
give *tn air of chivalric romance to all his history; and
hence it was, that he now conceived a project worthy of
the hero of La Mancha himself.
This was no other than to repair in person to the great
council of the Amphyctions, bearing the sword in one
hand, and the olive branch in the other ; to require imme-
diate reparation for the innumerable violations of that
treaty, which, in an evil hour, he had formed ; to put a
stop to those repeated maraudings on the eastern borders;
or else to throw his gauntlet, and appeal to arms foi 4 sa-
tisfaction*
On declaring this resolution in his privy council, the
venerable members were seized with vast astonishment:
for once in their lives they ventured to remonstrate, set-
ting forth the rashness of exposing his sacred person in
the midst of a strange and barbarous people, with sundry
other weighty remonstrances all which had about as much
influence upon the determination of the headstrong Peter,
as though you were to endeavour to turn a rusty weather-
cock with a broken-winded bellows*
Summoning, therefore, to his presence his trusty follow-
er, Anthony Van Corlear, he commanded him to hold
himself in readiness to accompany him the following morn-
ing on this his hazardous enterprise. Now Anthony, the
trumpeter, was a little stricken in years, yet by dint of
keeping up a good heart, and having never known cal*e
or sorrow (having never been married) he was still a hear-
ty, jocund, rubicond, gamesome wag, and of great capa-
city in the doublet. This last was ascribed to his living a
jolly life on those domains at the Hook, which Peter Stuy-
vesant had granted to him for his gallantry at Fort Casi-
mir.
Be this as it may, there was nothing that more delighted
Anthony than this command of the great Peter ; for he
could have followed the stout-hearted old governor to the
world's end, with love and loyalty: and he moreover still
326 HISTORY OF
remembered the frolicking, and dancing, and bundling,
and other disports of the east country ; and entertained
dainty recollection of numerous kind and buxom lasses,
whom he longed exceedingly again to encounter.
Thus, then, did this mirror of hardihood set forth, with
no other attendant but his trumpeter, upon one of the most
perilous enterprises ever recorded in the annals of knight-
errantry. For a single warrior to venture openly among
a whole nation of foes; but, above all, for a plain, down-
right Dutchman to think of negociating with the whole
council of New- England never was there known a more
desperate undertaking ! Ever since J have entered upon
the chronicles of this peerless, but hitherto uncelebrated
chieftain, has he kept me in a state of incessant action and
anxiety with the toils and dangers he is constantly encoun-
tering. Oh ! for a chapter of the tranquil reign of W ou-
ter Van T wilier, that I might repose on it as on a feather-
bed !
Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have once
already rescued thee from the machinations of these terri-
ble Amphyctions, by bringing the whole powers of witch-
craft to thine aid ? Is it not enough, that I have followed
thee undaunted, like a guardian spirit, into the midst of
the horrid battle of Fort Christina ? That I have been
put incessantly to my trumps to keep thee safe and sound
now warding off with my single pen the shower of das-
tard blows that fell upon thy rear now narrowly shield-
ing thee from a deadly thrust, by a mere tobacco-box
now casing thy dauntless skull with adamant, when even
thy stubborn ram-beaver failed to resist the sword of the
stout Risingh and now, not merely bringing thee off
alive, but triumphant, from the clutches of the gigantic
Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone pottle ?
Is not all this enough, but must thou still be plunging
into new difficulties, and jeopardizing in headlong enter-
prises thyself, thy trumpeter, and thy historian ?
NEW-YORK. 327
And now the ruddy faced Aurora, like a buxom cham-
ber-maid, draws aside the sable curtains of the night, and
out bounces from his bed the jolly red-haired Phoebus,
startled at being caught so late in the embraces of Dame
Thetis. With many a stable oath, he harnessed his bra-
zen-footed steeds, and whips and lashes, and splashes up
the firmament, like a loitering post-boy, half an hour be-
hind his time. And now behold that imp of fame and
prowess, the headstrong Peter, bestriding a raw-boned,
switch-tailed charger, gallantly arrayed in full regimentals,
and bracing on his thigh that trusty brass-hilted sword,
which had wrought such fearful deeds on the banks of
the Delaware.
Behold, hard after him, his doughty trumpeter, Van
Corlear, mounted on a broken- winded, wall-eyed, calico
mare; his stone pottle, which had laid low the mighty
Risingh, slung under his arm, and his trumpet displayed
vauntingly in his right hand, decorated with a gorgeous
banner, on which is emblazoned the great beaver of the
Manhattoes. See them proudly issuing out of the city
gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, with his faithful squire
at his heels, the populace following them with their eyes,
and shouting many a parting wish, and hearty cheering.
Farewell, Hard-koppig Piet ! Farewell, honest An-
thony ! Pleasant be your way-faring prosperous your
return ! The stoutest hero that ever drew a sword, and
the worthiest trumpeter that ever trod shoe leather.
Legends are lamentably silent about the events that be-
fel our adventurers, in this their adventurous travel, ex-
cepting the Stuyvesant manuscript, which gives the sub-
stance of a pleasant little heroic poem, written on the
occasion by Domini JEgidius Luyck, * who appears to
This Luyck was, moreover, rector of the Latin school in Nieuw-
Nederlandt, 1663. There are two pieces of jEgidius Luyck in D. Se-
lyn's MSS. of poesies, upon his marriage with Judith Isendoorn,
Old. MS.
328 HISTORY OF
have been the poet-laureat of New- Amsterdam. This in-
estimable manuscript assures us, that it was a rare spectacle
to behold the great Peter and his loyal follower, hailing
the morning sun, and rejoicing in the clear countenance
of nature, as they pranced it through the pastoral scenes
of Bloemen Dael ; * which, in those days, was a sweet and
rural valley, beautified with many a bright wild flower,
refreshed by many a pure streamlet, and enlivened here
and there by a delectable little Dutch cottage, sheltered
under some sloping hill, and almost buried in embower-
ing trees.
Now did they enter upon the confines of Connecticut,
where they encountered many grievous difficulties and pe-
rils. At one place they were assailed by a troop of coun-
try squires and militia colonels, who, mounted on goodly
steeds, hung upon their rear for several miles, harassing
them exceedingly with guesses and questions, more espe-
cially the worthy Peter, whose silver-chas'd leg excited
not a little marvel. At another place, hard by the re-
nowned town of Stamford, they were set upon by a great
and mighty legion of church deacons, who imperiously
demanded of them five shillings for travelling on Sunday,
and threatened to carry them captive to a neighbouring
church, whose steeple peer'd above the trees ; but these
the valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, insomuch
that they bestrode their canes and gallopped off in horri-
ble confusion, leaving their cocked hats behind in the hur-
ry of their flight. But not so easily did he escape from
the hands of a crafty man of Pyquag; who, with undaunted
perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly bargained him
out of his goodly switch-tailed charger, leaving him in
place thereof a villanous, spavined, foundered Narraganset
pacer.
But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued their
* Now called Blooming Dale, about four miles from New-York.
NEW-YORK. 329
journey cheerily along the course of the soft flowing Con-
necticut, whose gentle waves, says the song, roll through
many a fertile vale, and sunny plain ; now reflecting the
lofty spires of the bustling city, and now the rural beauties
of the humble hamlet; now echoing with the busy hum of
commerce, and now with the cheerful song of the peasant.
At every town would Peter Stuy vesant, who was noted
for warlike punctilio, order the sturdy Anthony to sound
a courteous salutation ; though the manuscript observes,
that the inhabitants were thrown into great dismay when
they heard of his approach. For the fame of his incompa-
rable achievements on the Delaware, had spread through-
out the east country, and they dreaded lest he had come
to take vengeance on their manifold transgressions.
But the good Peter rode through these towns with a
smiling aspect; waving his hand with inexpressible majesty
and condescension; for he verily believed that the old
clothes which these ingenious people had thrust into their
broken windows, and the festoons of dried apples and
peaches which ornamented the fronts of their houses,
were so many decorations in honour of his approach ; as
it was the custom in the days of chivalry, to compliment
renowned heroes, by sumptuous displays of tapestry and
gorgeous furniture. The women crowded to the doors to
gaze upon him as he passed, so* much does prowess in
arms delight the gentle sex. The little children too, ran
after him in troops, staring with wonder at his regimentals,
his brimstone breeches, and the silver garniture of his
wooden leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy which
many strapping wenches betrayed, at beholding the jovial
Van Corlear, who had whilome delighted them so much
with his trumpet, when he bore the great Peter's challenge
to the Amphyctions. The kind-hearted Anthony alighted
from his calico mare, and kissed them all with infinite
loving-kindness and was right pleased to see a crew of
little trumpeters crowding around him for his blessing j
2T
330 HISTORY OF
each of whom he patted on the head, bade him be a good
boy, and gave him a penny to buy molasses candy.
The Stuyvesant manuscript makes but little further
mention of the governor's adventures upon this expedition,
excepting that he was received with extravagant courtesy
and respect by the great council of the Amphyctions, who
almost talked him to death with complimentary and con-
gratulatory harangues. I will not detain my readers by
dwelling on his negociations with the grand council.
Suffice it to mention, it was like all other negociations
a great deal was said, and very little done : one conversa-
tion led to another one conference begat misunderstan-
dings which it took a dozen conferences to explain ; at the
end of which the parties found themselves just where they
were at first; excepting that they had entangled themselves
in a host of questions of etiquette, and conceived a cordial
distrust of each other, that rendered their future negocia-
tions ten times more difficult than ever. *
In the midst of all these perplexities, which bewildered
the brain and incensed the ire of the sturdy Peter, who
was perhaps, of all men in the world, least fitted for di-
plomatic wiles, he privately received the first intimation
of the dark conspiracy which had been matured in the
Cabinet of England. To this was added the astounding
intelligence that a hostile squadron had already sailed
from England, destined to reduce the province of New
Netherlands, and that the grand council of Amphyctions
lhad (engaged to co-operate, by sending a great army to
invade New- Amsterdam by land.
^Unfortunate Peter ! did I not enter with sad forebod-
ings upon this ill-starred expedition ? Did I not tremble
when I saw thee, with no other counsellor but thine own
* For certain of the particulars of this ancient negociation, see Haz.
Col. State i*ap. It is singular that Smith is entirely silent with respect
to this memorable expedition of Peter Stuyvesant.
NEW. YORK. 331
heacU with no other armour but an honest tongue, a
spotless conscience, and a rusty sword with no other
protector but St. Nicholas and no other attendant but a
trumpeter ? Did I not tremble when I beheld thee thus
sally forth to contend with all the knowing powers of New
England ?
Oh how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar, when
he found himself thus entrapped, like a lion in the hunter's
toil ! Now did he determine to draw his trusty sword,
and manfully to fight his way through all the countries of
the east. Now did he resolve to break in upon the coun-
cil of the Amphyctions, and put every mother's son of
them to death. At length, as his direful wrath subsided,
he resorted to safer though less glorious expedients.
Concealing from the council his knowledge of their
machinations, he privately despatched a trusty messenger
with missives to his counsellors at New- Amsterdam, ap-
prizing them of the impending danger, commanding them
immediately to put the city in a posture of defence, while
in the mean time he would endeavour to elude his enemies
and come to their assistance. This done, he felt himself
marvellously relieved, rose slowly, shook himself like a
rhinoceros, and issued forth from his den, in much the
same manner as Giant Despair is described to have issued
from Doubting Castle, in the chivalric history of the Pil-
grim's Progress.
And now much does it grieve me that I must leave the
gallant Peter in this imminent jeopardy : but it behoves
us to hurry back and see what is going on at New- Am-
sterdam, for greatly do I fear that city is already in a tur-
moil. Such was ever the fate of Peter Stuy vesant ; while
doing one thing with heart and soul, he was too apt to
leave every thing else at sixes and sevens. While, like
a potentate of yore, he was absent attending to those things
in person, which in modern days are trusted to generals
and ambassadors, his little territory at home was sure te>
332 HISTORY OF
get in an uproar all which was owing to that uncommon
strength of intellect, which induced him to trust to nobody
but himself, and which had acquired him the renowned
appellation of Peter the Headstrong.
CHAPTER IV.
How the people of New -Amsterdam were thrown into a great pa-
nic, by the news of a threatened invasion ; and the manner in
which they fortified themselves.
THERE is no sight more truly interesting to a philoso*-
pher, than to contemplate a Community where every indi-
vidual has a voice in public affairs* where every individual
thinks himself the Atlas of the nation, and where every
individual thinks it his duty to bestir himself for the good
of his country, I say, there is nothing more interesting
to a philosopher, than to see such a community in a sud-
den bustle of war. Such a clamour of tongues, such a
bawling of patriotism, such running hither and thither,
every body in a hurry, every body up to the ears in trouble,
every body in the way, and every body interrupting his
industrious neighbour, who is busily employed in doing
nothing ! It is like witnessing a great fire, where every
man is at work like a hero ; some dragging about empty
engines ; others scampering with full buckets, and spilling
the contents into the boots of their neighbours ; and others
ringing the church-bells all night, by way of putting out
the fire. Little firemen, like sturdy little knights storm-
ing a breach, clambering up and down scaling-ladders,
and bawling through tin trumpets, by way of directing the
attack. Here one busy fellow, in his great zeal to save
the property of the unfortunate, catches up an anonymous
chamber-utensil, and gallants it off with an air of as much
NEW-YORK. 333
self-importance, as if he had rescued a pot of money ;
another throws looking-glasses and china out of the win-
dow, to save them from the flames ; while those, who can
do nothing else to assist the great calamity, run up and
down the streets with open throats, keeping up an inces-
sant cry of Fire ! Fire I Fire !
" When the news arrived at Sinope," says the grave
and profound Lucian, though I own the story is rather
trite, " that Philip was about to attack them, the inhabi-
tants were thrown into violent alarm. Some ran to fur-
bish up their arms ; others rolled stones to build up the
walls ; every body, in short, was employed, and every
body was in the way of his neighbour. Diogenes alone
was the only man who could find nothing to do ; where-
upon, determining not to be idle when the welfare of his
country was at stake, he tucked up his robe, and fell to
rolling his tub with might and main, up and down the
Gymnasium." In like manner did every mother's son,
in the patriotic community of New- Amsterdam, on re-
ceiving the missives of Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself
most mightily in putting things in confusion, and assist-
ing the general uproar. " Every man," saith the Stuy-
vesant manuscript, " flew to arms !" By which is meant,
that not one of our honest Dutch citizens would venture
to church or to market, without an old-fashioned spit of
a sword dangling at his side, and a long Dutch fowling-
piece on his shoulder ; nor would he go out of a night
without a lanthorn ; nor turn a corner without first peep-
ing cautiously round, lest he should come unawares upon
a British army; and we are informed, that Stoffel Brin-
kerhoff, who was considered by the old women almost as
brave a man as the governor himself, actually had two
one-pound swivels mounted in his entry, one pointing out
at the front door, and the other at the back.
But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this
awful occasion, and one which has since been found of
334 HISTORY OF
wonderful efficacy, was to assemble popular meetings.
These brawling convocations, I have already shown, were
extremely offensive to Peter Stuyvesant ; but as this was
a moment of unusual agitation, and as the old governor
was not present to repress them, they broke out with in-*-
tolerable violence. Hither, therefore, the orators and
politicians repaired, and there seemed to be a competi-
tion among them who should bawl the loudest, and ex-
ceed the others in hyperbolical bursts of patriotism, and
in resolutions to uphold and defend the government. In
these sage and all-powerful meetings it was determined,
nem. con., that they were the most enlightened, the most
dignified, the most formidable, and the most ancient com-
munity upon the face of the earth. Finding that this re-
solution was so universally and readily carried, another
was immediately proposed,- Whether it were not possir
ble and politic to exterminate Great Britain? Upon
which sixty-nine members spoke most eloquently in the
affirmative, and only one arose to suggest some doubts,
who, as a punishment for his treasonable presumption, was
immediately seized by the mob, and tarred and feathered ;
which punishment being equivalent to the Tarpeian Rock,
he was afterwards considered as an outcast from society,
and his opinion went for nothing, The question, there-
fore, being unanimously carried in the affirmative, it was
recommended to the grand council to pass it into a law,
which was accordingly done ; by this measure the hearts
of the people at large were wonderfully encouraged, and
they waxed exceeding choleric and valorous. Indeed,
the first paroxysm of alarm having in some measure sub-
sided, the old women having buried all the money they
could lay their hands on, and their husbands daily getting
fuddled with what was left the community began even
to stand on the offensive. Songs were manufactured in
low Dutch, and sung about the streets, wherein the Eng-
lish were most wofUlly beaten, and shown no quarter;
NEW-YORK. 335
and popular addresses were made, wherein it was proved
to a certainty, that the fate of Old England depended up-
on the will of the New- Amsterdammers.
Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals of
Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser inhabitants assem-
bled, and having purchased all the British manufactures
they could find, they made thereof a huge bonfire ; and,
in the patriotic glow of the moment, every man present,
who had a hat or breeches of English workmanship, pul-
led it off, and threw it most undauntedly into the flames
to the irreparable detriment, loss, and ruin of the Eng-
lish manufacturers. In commemoration of this great ex-
ploit, they erected a pole on the spot, with a device on
the top intended to represent the province of Nieuw Ne-
derlandts destroying Great Britain, under the similitude
of an Eagle picking the little Island of Old England out
of the globe ; but either through the unskilfulness of the
sculptor, or his ill-timed waggery, it bore a striking re-
semblance to a goose vainly striving to get hold of a
dumpling.
CHAPTER V.
Shoeing how the Grand Council of the New Netherlands came
to be miraculously gifted with long tongues. Together with a
great triumph of Economy.
IT will need but very little penetration in any one ac-
quainted with the character and habits of that most po-
tent and blustering monarch the sovereign people to
discover, that, notwithstanding all the bustle and talk of
war that stunned him in the last chapter, the renowned
city of New- Amsterdam is, in sad reality, not a whit bet-
ter prepared for defence than before. Now, though the
336 HISTORY OF
people, having gotten over the first alarm, and finding no
enemy immediately at hand, had, with that valour of
tongue, for which your illustrious rabble is so famous,
run into the opposite extreme, and by dint of gallant va-
pouring and rhodomontado, had actually talked them-
selves into the opinion, that they were the bravest and
most powerful people under the sun ; yet were the privy
counsellors of Peter Stuyvesant somewhat dubious on
that point. They dreaded, moreover, lest that stern hero
should return and find, that, instead of obeying his pe-
remptory orders, they had wasted their time in listening
to the hectorings of the mob, than which, they well knew
there was nothing he held in more exalted contempt.
To make up therefore as speedily as possible for lost
time, a grand divan of the counsellors and burgomasters
was convened, to talk over the critical state of the pro-
vince, and devise measures for its safety. Two things
were unanimously agreed upon in this venerable assem-
bly : first, that the city required to be put in a state of
defence and secondly, that as the danger was imminent,
there should be no time lost which points being settled,
they immediately fell to making long speeches, and bela-
bouring one another in endless and intemperate disputes.
For about this time was this unhappy city first visited by
that talking endemic, so universally prevalent in this
country, and which so invariably evinces itself, wherever
a number of wise men assemble together ; breaking out
in long windy speeches, caused, as physicians suppose, by
the foul air which is ever generated in a crowd. Now it
was, moreover, that they first introduced the ingenious
method of measuring the merits of an harangue by the
hour-glass; he being considered the ablest orator who
spoke longest on a question for which excellent inven-
tion, it is recorded, we are indebted to the same profound
Dutch critic who judged of books by their size.
This sudden passion for endless harangues, so little
NEW-YORK. S3T
consonant with the customary gravity and taciturnity of
our sage forefathers, was supposed by certain learned phi-
losophers, to have been imbibed, together with divers
other barbarous propensities, from their savage neigh-
bours ; who were peculiarly noted for their long talks and
council fires ; who would never undertake any affair of the
least importance, without previous debates and harangues
among their chiefs and old men. But the real cause was,
that the people, in electing their representatives to the
grand council, were particular in choosing them for their
talents at talking, without inquiring whether they posses-
sed the more rare, difficult, and oft times important
talent, of holding their tongues. The consequence was,
that this deliberative body was composed of the most lo-
quacious men in the community. As they considered
themselves placed there to talk, every man concluded that
his duty to his constituents, and, what is more, his popu-
larity with them, required that he should harangue on
every subject, whether he understood it or not. There
was an ancient mode of burying a chieftain, by every
soldier throwing his shield full of earth on the corpse,
until a mighty mound was formed ; so whenever a ques-
tion was brought forward in this assembly, every member
pressing forward to throw on his quantum of wisdom, the
subject was quickly buried under a huge mass of words.
We are told in the Attic nights of Aulus Gellius, that
when disciples were admitted into the school of Pythago-
ras, they were for two years enjoined silence, and were
neither permitted to ask questions nor make remarks.
After they had thus acquired the inestimable art of hold-
ing their tongues, they were gradually permitted to make
inquiries, and finally to communicate their own opinions.
What a pity is it, that while superstitiously hoarding
up the rubbish and rags of antiquity, we should suffer
these precious gems to lie unnoticed. What a beneficial
effect would this wise regulation of Pythagoras have, if
2U
338 HISTORY OF
introduced in legislative bodies -rand how wonderfully
would it have tended to expedite business in the grand
council of the Manhattoes.
Thus however, did dame Wisdom, (whom the wags of
antiquity have humorously personified as a woman,) seem
to take mischievous pleasure in jilting the venerable coun-
sellors of New- Amsterdam. The old factions of long
pipes and short pipes, which had been almost strangled
by the Herculean grasp of Peter Stuyvesant, now sprung
up with tenfold violence. Not that the original cause of
difference still existed, but it has ever been the fate of
party names and party rancour to remain, long after the
principles that gave rise to them have been forgotten.
To complete the public confusion and bewilderment, the
fatal word Economy, which one would have thought was
dead and buried with William the Testy, was once more
set afloat, like the apple of discord, in the grand council
of Nieuw Nederlandts according to which sound princi-
ple of policy, it was deemed more expedient to throw away
twenty thousand guilders upon an inefficient plan of de-
fence, than thirty thousand on a good and substantial one,
the province thus making a clear saving of ten thousand
guilders.
But when they came to discuss the mode of defence,
then began a war of words that baffles all description.
The members being, as I observed, enlisted in opposite
parties, were enabled to proceed with amazing system and
regularity in the discussion of the questions before them.
Whatever was proposed by a long pipe, was opposed by
the whole tribe of short pipes, who, like true politicians,
considered it their first duty, to effect the downfal of the
long pipes their second, to elevate themselves; and
their third, to consult the welfare of the country. This
at least was the creed of the most upright among the par-
ty ; for as to the great mass, they left the third considera-
tion out of the question altogether.
NEW- YORK. 339
In thi& gfeat collision of hard heads, it is astonishing
the number of projects for defence, that were struck out ;
not one of which had ever been heard of before, nor Ms
been heard of since, unless it be in very modern days
^projects that threw the windmill system of the ingenious
Kieft completely in the back ground. Still; however,
nothing could be decided on; for so soon as a formidable
host of air castles were reared by one party, they were de-
molished by the other ; the simple populace stood gazing
in anxious expectation of the mighty egg that was to be
hatched with all this cackling, but they gazed in vain, for
it appeared that the grand council was determined to pro-
tect the province, as did the'noble and gigantic Pantagruel
his army, by covering it with his tongue.
Indeed there was a portion of the members consisting
of fat, self-important old burghers, who smoked their pipes
and said nothing, excepting to negative every plan of de-
fence that was.offered. These were of that class of wealthy
old citizens who having amassed a fortune, button up their
pockets, shut their mouths, look rich, and are good for
nothing all the rest of their lives. Like some phlegmatic
oyster, which having swallowed a pearl, closes its shell,
settles down in the mud, and parts with its life sooner
than its treasure. Every plan of defence seemed to these
worthy old gentlemen pregnant with ruin. An armed
force was a legion of locusts, preying upon the public pro-
perty ; to fit out a naval armament was to throw their money
into the sea ; to build fortifications was to bury it in the
dirt. In short, they settled it as a sovereign maxim, so
long as their pockets were full r no matter how much they
were drubbed. A kick left no scar; a broken head cured
itself; but an empty purse was of all maladies the slowest
to heal, and one in which nature did nothing to the pa-
tient.
Thus did this venerable assembly of sages lavish away
that time which the urgency of affairs rendered invaluable,
340 HISTORY OF
in empty brawls and long-winded speeches, without ever
agreeing, except on the point with which they started,
namely, that there was no time to be lost, and delay was
ruinous. At length St. Nicholas, taking compassion on
their distracted situation, and anxious to preserve them
from anarchy, so ordered, that in the midst of o*ie of their
most noisy debates on the subject of fortification and de-
fence, when they had nearly fallen to loggerheads in con-
sequence of not being able to convince each other, the
question was happily settled by a messenger, who bounced
into the chamber and informed them, that the hostile fleet
had arrived, and was actually advancing up the boy \
Thus was all further necessity of either fortifying or
disputing completely obviated; and thus was the grand
council saved a world of words, and the province a world
of expense a most absolute and glorious triumph of eco-
nomy.
CHAPTER VI.
In which the troubles of New- Amsterdam appear to thicken
Showing the bravery, in time of peril, of a people who defend
themselves by resolutions.
LIKE as an assemblage of politic cats, engaged in clamo-
rous gibberings and catterwaulings, eyeing one another
with hideous grimaces, spitting in each other's faces, and
on the point of breaking forth into a general clapper-claw-
ing, are suddenly put to scampering, rout, and confusion,
by the startling appearance of a house-dog so was the
no less vociferous council of New- Amsterdam amazed, as-
tounded, and totally dispersed, by the sudden arrival of
the enemy. Every member made the best of his way
home, waddling along as fast as his short legs could fag
NEW-YORK. 341
under their heavy burthen, and wheezing as he went with
corpulenfcy and terror. When he arrived at his castle, he
barricadoed the street-door, and buried himself in the ci-
der cellar, without daring to peep out, lest he should have
his head carried off by a cannon ball.
The sovereign people all crowded into the market place,
herding together with the instinct of sheep, who seek for
safety in each other's company, when the shepherd and
his dog are absent, and the wolf is prowling round the
fold. Far from finding relief, however, they only increased
each other's terrors. Each man looked ruefully in his
neighbour's face, in search of encouragement, but only
found in its wo-begone lineaments, a confirmation of his
own dismay. Not a word now was to be heard of con-
quering Great Britain, not a whisper about the sovereign
virtues of economy while the old women heightened the
general gloom, by clamorously bewailing their fate, and
incessantly calling for protection on St. Nicholas and Pe-
ter Stuyvesant.
Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the lion-hearted
Peter ! and how did they long for the comforting pre-
sence of Anthony Van Corlear ! Indeed, a gloomy un-
certainty hung over the fate of these adventurous heroes.
Day after day had elapsed since the alarming message
from the governor, without bringing any further tidings
of his safety. Many a fearful conjecture was hazarded as
to what had befallen him and his loyal squire. Had
they not been devoured alive by the cannibals of Marble-
head and Cape Cod ? Were they not put to the question
by the great council of Amphyctions ? Were they not
smothered in onions by the terrible men of Pyquag ? In
the midst of this consternation and perplexity, when hor-
ror, like a mighty night-mare, sat brooding upon the little,
fat, plethoric city of New- Amsterdam, the ears of the mul-
titude were suddenly startled by a strange and distant
sound it approached it grew louder and louder and
342 HISTORY OF
now it resounded at the city gate. The public could not
be mistaken in the well-known sound. A shout of joy
burst from their lips, as the gallant Peter, covered with
dust, and followed by his faithful trumpeter, came gallop-
ping into the market-place.
The first transports of the populace having subsided,
they gathered round the honest Anthony, as he dismounted
from his horse, overwhelming him with greetings and
congratulations. In breathless accents he related to
them the marvellous adventures through which the old
governor and himself had gone, in making their escape
from the clutches of the terrible Amphyctions. But
though the Stuyvesant manuscript, with its customary
minuteness where any thing touching the great Peter is
concerned, is very particular as to the incidents of this
masterly retreat, yet the particular state of the public af-
fairs will not allow me to indulge in a full recital thereof.
Let it suffice to say, that, while Peter Stuyvesant was
anxiously revolving in his mind, how he could make
good his escape with honour and dignity, certain of the
ships sent out for the conquest of the Manhattoes touched
at the eastern ports, to obtain needful supplies, and to call
on the grand council of the league for its promised co-
operation. Upon hearing of this, the vigilant Peter per-
ceiving that a moment's delay were fatal, made a secret
and precipitate decampment ; though much did it grieve
his lofty soul, to be obliged to turn his back even upon a
nation of foes. Many hair-breadth 'scapes and divers
perilous mishaps did they sustain, as they scoured, with-
out sound of trumpet, through the fair regions of the east*
Already was the country in an uproar with hostile prepara-
tion, and they were obliged to take a large circuit in their
flight, lurking along, through the woody mountains of the
Devil's Backbone ; from whence the valiant Peter sallied
forth one day, like a lion, and put to route a whole legion
of squatters, consisting of three generations of a prolific
NEW-YORK. 34,3
family, who were already on their way to take possession
of some corner of the New- Netherlands. Nay, the faith-
ful Anthony had great difficulty at sundry times, to pre-
vent him, in the excess of his wrath, from descending
down from the mountains, and falling sword in hand,
upon certain of the border-towns, who were marshalling
forth their draggle-tailed militia.
The first movements of the governor on reaching his
dwelling, was to mount the roof, from whence he contem-
plated with rueful aspect the hostile squadron. This had
already come to an anchor in the bay, and consisted of
two stout frigates, having on board, as John Josselyn,
Gent., informs us, " three hundred valiant red coats."
Having taken this survey, he sat himself down, and wrote
an epistle to the commander, demanding his reason of an-
choring in the harbour without obtaining previous per-
mission so to do. This letter was couched in the most
dignified and courteous terms, though I have it from un-
doubted authority, that his teeth were clinched, and he
had a bitter sardonic grin upon his visage, all the while
he wrote. Having despatched his letter, the grim Peter
stumped to and fro about the town, with a most war-be-
tokening countenance, his hands thrust into his breeches
pockets, and whistling a low Dutch Psalm tune, which
bore no small resemblance to the music of a north-east wind,
when a storm is brewing. The very dogs, as they eyed
him, skulked away in dismay while all the old and ugly
women of New- Amsterdam ran howling at his heels, im-
ploring him to save them from murder, robbery, and pi-
tiless ravishment !
The reply of Col. Nichols, who commanded the inva-
ders, was couched in terms of equal courtesy with the let-
ter of the governor declaring the right and title of his
British majesty to the province ; where he affirmed the
Dutch to be mere interlopers; and demanding that the
town, forts, &c. should be forthwith rendered into his
344 HISTORY OF
majesty's obedience and protection promising at the
same time, life, liberty, estate, and free trade, to every
Dutch denizen, who should readily submit to his majesty's
government.
Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle with
some such harmony of aspect as we may suppose a crusty
farmer, who has long been fattening upon his neighbour's
soil, reads the loving letter of John Stiles, that warns him
of an action of ejectment. The old governor, however,
was not to be taken by surprise, but thrusting the sum-
mons into his breeches pocket, he stalked three times
across the room, took a pinch of snuff with great vehe-
mence, and then loftily waving his hand, promised to
send an answer the next morning. In the mean time he
called a general council of war of his privy counsellors
and burgomasters, not for the purpose of asking their ad-
vice, for that, as has been already shown, he valued not
a rush ; but to make known unto them his sovereign de-
termination, and require their prompt adherence.
Before, however, he convened his council, he resolved
upon three important points ; first, never to give up the
city, without a little hard fighting, for he deemed it highly
derogatory to the dignity of so renowned a city, to suffer
itself to be captured and stripped, without receiving a few
kicks into the bargain. Secondly, that the majority of his
grand council was composed of arrant poltroons, utterly
destitute of true bottom ; and, thirdly , that he would not
therefore suffer them to see the summons of Col. Nichols,
lest the easy terms it held out might induce them to cla-
mour for a surrender.
His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteous
sight to behold the late valiant burgomasters, who had
demolished the whole British empire in their harangues;
peeping ruefully out of their hiding places, and then crawl-
ing cautiously forth, dodging through narrow lanes and
alleys ; starting at every little dog that barked, as though
NEW-YORK, 545
it had been a discharge of artillery -mistaking lamp-posts
for British grenadiers, and in the excess of their panic,
metamorphosing pumps into formidable soldiers, levelling
blunderbusses at their bosoms ! Having, however, in
despite of numerous perils and difficulties of the kind, ar-
rived safe, without the loss of a single man, at the hall of
assembly, they took their seats and awaited in fearful si-
lence the arrival of the governor. In a few moments the
wooden leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in regular
and stout-hearted thumps upon the staircase. He enter-
ed the chamber, arrayed in full suit of regimentals, and car-
rying his trusty toledo, not girded on his thigh, but tucked
under his arm. As the governor never equipped himself
in this portentous manner, unless something of martial na-
ture were working within his fearless pericranium, his
council regarded him ruefully, as a very Janus, bearing-
fire and sword in his iron countenance, and forgot to light
their pipes in breathless suspense.
The great Peter was as eloquent as he was valorous;
indeed, these two rare qualities seemed to go hand in
hand in his composition ; and, unlike most great states-
men, whose victories are only confined to the bloodless
field of argument, he was always ready to enforce his har-
dy words by no less hardy deeds. His speeches were ge-
nerally marked by a simplicity, approaching to bluntness,
and by truly categorical decision. Addressing the grand
council, he touched briefly upon the perils and hardships
he had sustained, in escaping from his crafty foes. He
next reproached the council, for wasting in idle debate,
and party feuds, that time which should have been devoted
to their country. He was particularly indignant at those
brawlers, who, conscious of individual security, had dis-
graced the councils of the province, by impotent hectorings
and scurrilous invectives, against a noble and a powerful
enemy those cowardly curs, who were incessant in their
barkings and yelpings at the lion, while distant or asleep,
sx
346 HISTORY OF
but the moment he approached, were the first to skulk a-
way. He now called on those who had been so valiant
in their threats against Great Britain, to stand forth and
support their vauntings by their actions for it was deeds,
not words, that bespoke the spirit of a nation. He pro-
ceeded to recal the golden days of former prosperity,
which were only to be gained by manfully withstanding
their enemies ; for the peace, he observed, which is affected
by force of arms, is always more sure and durable, than
that which is patched up by temporary accommodations.
He endeavoured, moreover, to arouse their martial fire,
by reminding them of the time, when, before the frowning
walls of fort Christina, he had led them on to victory.
He strove likewise to awaken their confidence, by assur-
ing them of the protection of St. Nicholas, who had hi-
therto maintained them in safety, amid all the savages of
the wilderness, the witches and squatters of the east, and
the giants of Merry-land. Finally, he informed them of
the insolent summons he had received, to surrender ; but
concluded by swearing to defend the province as long as
heaven was on his side, and he had a wooden leg to stand
upon. Which noble sentence he emphasized by a tremen-
dous thwack with the broad side of his sword upon the
table, that totally electrified his auditors.
The privy counsellors, who had long been accustomed
to the governor's way, and in fact had been brought into
as perfect discipline, as were ever the soldiers of the great
Frederick, saw that there was no use in saying a word
so lighted their pipes and smoked away in silence like fat
and discreet counsellors. But the burgomasters being less
under the governor's control, considering themselves as
representatives of the sovereign people, and being more-
over inflated with considerable importance and self-suffici-
ency, which they had acquired at those notable schools of
wisdom and morality, the popular meetings were not so
easily satisfied. Mustering up fresh spirit, when they
NEW-YORK. 34?
found there was some chanee of escaping from their pre-
sent jeopardy, without the disagreeable alternative of fight-
ing, they requested a copy of the summons to surrender,
that they might show it to a general meeting of the people.
So insolent and mutinous a request would have been
enough to have roused the gorge of the tranquil Van
Twiller himself- what then must have been its effect upon
the great Stuyvesant, who was not only a Dutchman, a
governor, and a valiant wooden-legged soldier to boot, but
withal a man of the most stomachful and gunpowder dis-
position. He burst forth into a blaze of noble indignation,
to which the famous rage of Achilles was a mere pouting
fit swore not a mother's son of them should see a sylla-
ble of it that they deserved, every one of them, to be
hanged, drawn, and quartered, for traitorously daring to
question the infallibility of government; that as to their
advice or concurrence, he did not care a whiff of tobacco
for either ; that he "had long been harassed and thwarted
by their cowardly councils; but that they might thence-
forth go home, and go to bed like old women, for he was
determined to defend the colony himself, without the as-
sistance of them or their adherents ! So saying he tucked
his sword under his arm, cocked his hat upon his head,
and girding up his loins, stumped indignantly out of the
council-chamber, every body making room for him as he
passed.
No sooner had he gone than the busy burgomasters
called a public meeting in front of the Stadt-house, where
they appointed as chairman one Dofue Roerback, a mighty
gingerbread-baker in the land, and formerly of the cabinet
of William the Testy. He was looked up to with great
reverence by the populace, who considered him a man of
dark knowledge, seeing he was the first that imprinted
new-year cakes with the mysterious hieroglyphics of the
cock and breeches, and such like magical devices.
This great burgomaster, who still chewed the cud of ill-
348 HISTORY OF
will against the valiant Stuyvesant* in consequence of
having been ignominiously kicked out of his cabinet at
the time of his taking the reins of government, addressed
the greasy multitude in what is called a patriotic speech ;
in which he informed them of the courteous summons to
surrender of the governor's refusal to comply therewith
of his denying the public a sight of the summons, which,
he had no doubt, contained conditions highly to the ho-
nour and advantage of the province.
He then proceeded to speak of his excellency in high
sounding terms, suitable to the dignity and grandeur of
his station, comparing him to Nero, Caligula, and those
other great men of yore, who are generally quoted by
popular orators on similar occasions. Assuring the peo*-
pie that the history of the world did not contain a despo-
tic outrage to equal the present for atrocity, cruelty, ty-
ranny, and blood-thirstiness ; that it would be recorded
in letters of fire on the blood-stained tablet of history !
that ages would roll back with sudden horror, when they
came to view it ! That the womb of time (by the way
your orators and writers take strange liberties with the
womb of time, though some would fain have us believe
that time is an old gentleman) that the womb of time,
pregnant as it was with direful horrors, would never pro-
duce a parallel enormity ! with a variety of other heart-
rending, soul-stirring tropes and figures, which I cannot
enumerate. Neither, indeed, need I, for they were ex-
actly the same that are used in all popular harangues and
patriotic orations at the present day, and may be classed
in rhetoric under the general title of RIGMAROLE.
The speech of this inspired burgomaster being finished,
the meeting fell into a kind of popular fermentation, which
produced not only a string of right wise resolutions, but
likewise a most resolute memorial, addressed to the go-
vernor, remonstrating at his conduct ; which was no sooner
handed to him, than he handed it into the fire ; and thus
NEW* YORK. 349
deprived posterity of an invaluable document, that might
have served as a precedent to the enlightened cobblers
and tailors of the present day, in their sage intermeddlings
with politics.
CHAPTER VIL
Containing a doleful disaster of Anthony the Trumpeter ; and
how Peter Stuyvesant, like a second Cromivell, suddenly dis-
solved a Rump Parliament.
Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt shower
down a pannier-load of benedictions upon his burgomas-
ters, for a set of self-willed, obstinate, headstrong varlets,
who would neither be convinced nor persuaded ; and de-
termined thenceforth to have nothing more to do with
them, but to consult merely the opinion of his privy
counsellors, w^hich he knew from experience to be the
best in the world, inasmuch as it never differed from his
own. Nor did he omit, now that his hand was in, to be-
stow some thousand left-handed compliments upon the
sovereign people, whom he railed at for a herd of pol-
troons, who had no relish for the glorious hardships and
illustrious misadventures of battle but would rather stay
at home, and eat and sleep in ignoble ease, than gain im-
mortality and a broken head, by valiantly fighting in a
ditch.
Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his beloved
city, in despite even of itself, he called unto him his trusty
Van Corlear, who was his right-hand man in all times of
emergency. Him did he adjure to take his war-denoun-
cing trumpet, and mounting his horse, to beat up the
country, night and day sounding the alarm along the
350 HISTORY OF
pastoral borders of the Bronx startling the wild soli-^
tudes of Croton- arousing the rugged yeomanry of Wee-^
hawk and Hoboeken the mighty men of battle of Tap-
pan Bay * and the brave boys of Tarry town and Sleepy
hollow together with all the other warriors of the coun-
try round about; charging them one and all, to sling
their powder-horns, shoulder their fowling-pieces, and
march merrily down to the Manhattoes.
Now there was nothing in all the world, the divine sex
excepted, that Anthony Van Corlear loved better than
errands of this kind. So, just stopping to take a lusty
dinner, and bracing to his side his junk- bottle, well
charged with heart-inspiring Hollands, he issued jollily
from the city gate, that looked out upon what is at pre-
sent called Broad-way; sounding as usual a farewell
strain, that rung in sprightly echoes through the winding
streets of New- Amsterdam Alas ! never more were they
to be gladdened by the melody of their favourite trum-
peter !
It was a dark and stormy night when the good Anthony
arrived at the famous creek (sagely denominated Haer-
lem river) which separates the island of Manna-hata from
the main land. The wind was high, the elements were
in an uproar, and no Charon could be found to ferry the
adventurous sounder of brass across the water. For a
short time he vapoured like an impatient ghost upon the
brink, and then, bethinking himself of the urgency of his
errand, took a hearty embrace of his stone bottle, swore
most valorously that he would swim across, en spij't den
duyvel (in spite of the devil !) and daringly plunged into
the stream. Luckless Anthony ! scarce had he buffeted
half-way over, when he was observed to struggle violently,
* A corruption of Top-paun ; so called from a tribe of Indians
which boasted 150 fighting men. See Ogilvie's History.
NEW-YORK. 351
as if battling with the spirit of the waters instinctively
he put his trumpet to his mouth, and, giving a vehement
blast, sunk for ever to the bottom !
The potent clangour of his trumpet, like the ivory
horn of the renowned Paladin Orlando, when expiring in
the glorious field of Roncesvalles, rung far and wide
through the country, alarming the neighbours round,
who hurried in amazement to the spot. Here an old
Dutch burgher, famed for his veracity, and who had been
a witness of the fact, related to them the melancholy af-
fair ; with the fearful addition (to which I am slow of
giving belief), that he saw the duyvel, in the shape of a
huge moss-bonker, seize the sturdy Anthony by the leg,
and drag him beneath the waves. Certain it is, the place,
with the adjoining promontory, which projects into the
Hudson, has been called Spijt den duyvel, or Spiking
duyvd) ever since the restless ghost of the unfortunate
Anthony still haunts the surrounding solitudes, and his
trumpet has often been heard by the neighbours, of a
stormy night, mingling with the howling of the blast.
Nobody ever attempts to swim over the creek after dark ;
on the contrary, a bridge has been built to guard against
such melancholy accidents in future and as to moss-
bonkers, they are held in such abhorrence, that no true
Dutchman will admit them to his table, who loves good
fish, and hates the devil.
Such was the end of Anthony Van Corlear a man
deserving of a better fate. He lived roundly and sound-
ly, like a true and jolly bachelor, until the day of his
death ; but though he was never married, yet did he leave
behind some two or three dozen children, in different
parts of the country fine chubby, brawling, flatulent
little urchins, from whom, if legends speak true (and they
are not apt to lie), did descend the innumerable race of
editors, who people and defend this country, and who are
bountifully paid by the people for keeping up a constant
352 HISTORY OF
alarm and making them miserable. Would that they
inherited the worth, as they do the wind, of their re-
nowned progenitor !
The tidings of this lamentable catastrophe imparted a
severer pang to the bosom of Peter Stuyvesant, than did
even the invasion of his beloved Amsterdam. It came
ruthlessly home to those sweet affections, that grow close
around the heart, and are nourished by its warmest cur-
rent. As some lone pilgrim wandering in trackless
wastes, while the tempest whistles through his locks, and
dreary night is gathering around, sees stretched, cold and
lifeless, his faithful dog the sole companion of his jour-
neying who had shared his solitary meal, and so often
licked his hand in humble gratitude ; so did the gene-
rous-hearted hero of the Manhattoes contemplate the un-
timely end of his faithful Anthony. He had been the
humble attendant of his footsteps he had cheered him
in many a heavy hour, by his honest gaiety ; and had
followed him in loyalty and affection, through many a
scene of direful peril and mishap. He was gone for ever
and that too at a moment when every mongrel cur
seemed skulking from his side. This, Peter Stuyvesant
this was the moment to try thy fortitude ; and this
was the moment, when thou didst indeed shine forth
Peter the Headstrong.
The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors of the
last stormy night, still all was dull and gloomy. The
late jovial Apollo hid his face behind lugubrious clouds,
peeping out now and then for an instant, as if anxious,
yet fearful, to see what was going on in his favourite city.
This was the eventful morning, when the great Peter was
to give his reply to the summons of the invaders. Al-
ready was he closeted with his privy council, sitting in
grim state brooding over the fate of his favourite trumpe-
ter, and anon boiling with indignation as the insolence of
his recreant burgomasters flashed upon his mind. While
NEW-YORK. S53
in this state of irritation, a courier arrived in all haste
from Winthrop, the subtle governor of Connecticut, coun-
selling him in the most affectionate and disinterested man-*-
ner to surrender the province, and magnifying the dan-
gers and calamities to which a refusal would subject him.
What a moment was this to intrude officious advice upon
a man who never took advice in his whole life! The
fiery old governor strode up and down the chamber, with
a vehemence that made the bosoms of his counsellors to
quake with awe, railing at his unlucky fate, that thus
made him the constant butt of factious subjects and Je-
suitical advisers.
Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the officious burgo-
masters, who were now completely on the watch, and had
heard of the arrival of mysterious dispatches, came march-
ing in a resolute body into the room, with a legion of sche-
pens and toad-eaters at their heels, and abruptly demanded
a perusal of the letter. Thus to be broken in upon by
what he esteemed a " rascal rabble," and that too at the
very moment he was grinding under an irritation from
abroad, was too much for the spleen of the choleric Pe-
ter. He tore the letter in a thousand pieces,* threw it
in the face of the nearest burgomaster, broke his pipe
over the head of the next, hurled his spitting-box at an
unlucky s.chepen, who was just fnaking a masterly retreat
out at the door, axicj finally prorogued the whole meeting
sine die, by kicking them down stairs with his wooden
leg.
As soon as the burgomasters could recover from the con-
fusiou into which their sudden exit had thrown them, and
had taken a little time to breathe, they protested against
the conduct of the governor, which they did not hesitate
to pronounce tyrannical, unconstitutional, highly indecent,
#nd somewhat disrespectful. They then called a public
* Smith's History of N. y,
2 Y*
354 HISTORY OF
meeting, where they read the protest, and addressing the
assembly in a set speech, related at full length, and with
appropriate colouring and exaggeration, the despotic and
vindictive deportment of the governor ; declaring that, for
their own parts, they did not value a straw the being
kicked, cuffed, and mauled by the timber toe of his ex-
cellency, but they felt for the dignity of the sovereign
people, thus rudely insulted by the outrage committed on
the seats of honour of their representatives. The latter
part of the harangue had a violent effect upon the sensi-
bility of the people, as it came home at once to that deli-
cacy of feeling and jealous pride of character vested in all
true mobs ; who, though they may bear injuries without
a murmur, yet are marvellously jealous of their sovereign
dignity; and there is no knowing to what act of resent-
ment they might have been provoked against the re-
doubtable Peter, had not the greasy rogues been some-
what more afraid of their sturdy old governor, than they
were of St. Nicholas, the English, or the D 1 himself.
CHAPTER VIII.
How Peter Stuyvesant defended the city of New- Amsterdam for
several days, by dint of the strength of his head.
THERE is something exceedingly sublime and melan-
choly in the spectacle which the present crisis of our his-
tory presents. An illustrious and venerable little city,
the metropolis of an immense extent of uninhabited coun-
try, garrisoned by a doughty host of orators, chairmen,
committeemen, burgomasters, schepens, and old women,
governed by a determined and strong-headed warrior,
and fortified by mud-batteries, palisadoes, and resolu-
tions, blockaded by sea, beleagured by land, and threat-
NEW-YORK. 355
ened with direful desolation from without, while its very
vitals are torn with internal faction and commotion ! Ne-
ver did historic pen record a page of more complicated
distress, unless it be the strife that distracted the Israelites
during the siege of Jerusalem, where discordant parties
were cutting each other's throats, at the moment when
the victorious legions of Titus had toppled down their
bulwarks, and were carrying fire and sword into the very
Sanctum Sanctorum of the temple.
Governor Stuy vesant having triumphantly, as has been
recorded, put his grand council to the rout, and thus de-
livered himself from a multitude of impertinent advisers,
despatched a categorical reply to the commanders of the
invading squadron; wherein he asserted the right and
title of their high mightinesses the lords states general
to the province of New Netherlands, and trusting in the
righteousness of his cause, set the whole British nation at
defiance ! My anxiety to extricate my readers and my-
self from these disastrous scenes, prevents me from giv-
ing the whole of this gallant letter, which concluded in
these manly and affectionate terms :
" As touching the threats in your conclusion, we have
nothing to answer, only that we fear nothing but what
God (who is as just as merciful) shall lay upon us all
things being in his gracious disposal and we may as well
be preserved by Him with small forces, as by a great
army; which makes us to wish you all happiness and
prosperity, and recommend you to his protection. My
lords, your thrice humble and affectionate servant and
friend,
" P. STUYVESANT."
Thus having resolutely thrown his gauntlet, the brave
Peter stuck a pair of horse-pistols in his belt girded an
immense powder-horn on his side thrust his sound leg
356 HISTORY OF
into a hesslan boot and, clapping his fierce little war-
hat on the top of his head, paraded up and down in front
of his house, determined to defend his beloved city to the
last.
While all these woful struggles and dissensions were
prevailing in the unhappy city of New-Amsterdam, and
while its worthy, but ill-starred governor was framing
the above quoted letter, the English commanders did not
remain idle. They had agents secretly employed to fo-
ment the fears and clamours of the populace ; and more-
over circulated far and wide, through the adjacent coun-
try, a proclamation, repeating the terms they had already
held out in their summons to surrender, and beguiling
the simple Netherlanders with the most crafty and conci-
liating professions. They promised that every man who
Voluntarily submitted to the authority of his British ma-
jesty, should retain peaceable possession of his house, his
vrouw, and his cabbage garden. That he should be suf-
fered to smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as hiany
breeches as he pleased, and import bricks, tiles, and stone
jugs from Holland, instead of manufacturing them on the
spot that he should on no account be compelled to learn
the English language, or keep accounts in any other way
than by casting them upon his fingers, and chalking them
down upon the crown of his hat I as is still observed a-
mong the Dutch yeomanry at the present day. That
every man should be allowed quietly to inherit his father's
hat, coat, shoe-buckles, pipe, and every other personal
appendage ; and that nd man should be obliged to con-
form to any improvements, inventions^ or any other mo-
dern innovations ; but, on the contrary, should be per-
mitted to build his house, follow his trade, manage his
farm, rear his hogs, and educate his children, precisely
as his ancestors did before him since time immemorial.
Finally, that he should have all the benefits of free trade,
and should not be required to acknowledge any othei*
NEW-YORK. 357
saint in the calendar than Saint Nicholas* who should
thenceforward, as before, be considered the tutelar saint
of the city.
These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very satis-
factory to the people, who had a great disposition to enjoy
their property unmolested, and a most singular aversion
to engage in a contest, where they could gain little more
than honour and broken heads the first of which they
held in philosophic indifference, the latter in utter detes-
tation. By these insidious means, therefore, did the Eng-
lish succeed in alienating the confidence and affections of
the populace from their gallant old governor, whom they
considered as obstinately bent upon running them into hi-
deous misadventures ; and did not hesitate to speak their
minds freely, and abuse him most heartily behind his
back.
Like As a mighty grampus, who though assailed and
buffetted by roaring waves and brawling surges, still keeps
oil an undeviating course ; and though overwhelmed by
boisterous billows, still emerges from the troubled deep,
spouting and blowing with tenfold violence so did the
inflexible Peter pursue, unwavering, his determined career,
and rise contemptuous above the clamours of the rabble.
But when the British warriors found, by the tenor of
his reply, that he set their power at defiance, they forth-
with despatched recruiting officers to Jamaica, and Jericho,
and Nineveh, and Quag, and Patchog, and all those towns
on Long Island, which had been subdued of yore by the
immortal Stoffel Brinkerhoff ; stirring up the valiant pro-
geny of Preserved Fish, and Determined Cock, and those
other illustrious squatters, to assail the city of New- Am-
sterdam by land. In the mean while the hostile ships
made awful preparation to commence an assault by water*
The streets of New- Amsterdam now presented a scene
of wild dismay and consternation. In vain did the sral-
o
lant Stuyvesant order the citizens to arm and assemble in
358 HISTORY OF
the public square or market-place. The whole party of
short pipes in the course of a single night had changed
into arrant old women a metamorphosis only to be par-
alleled by the prodigies recorded by Livy as having hap-
pened to Rome at the approach of Hannibal ; when statues
sweated in pure affright, goats were converted into sheep,
and cocks turning into hens ran cackling about the streets.
The harassed Peter, thus menaced from without and
tormented from within baited by the burgomasters and
hooted at by the rabble chafed, and growled, and raged
like a furious bear tied to a stake, and worried by a legion
of scoundrel curs. Finding, however, that all further
attempts to defend the city were vain, and hearing that an
irruption of borderers and moss-troopers was ready to de-
luge him from the east, he was at length compelled, in
spite of his proud heart, which swelled in his throat until
it had nearly choked him, to consent to a treaty of sur-
render.
Words cannot express the transports of the people, on
receiving this agreeable intelligence ; had they obtained a
conquest over their enemies, they could not have indulged
greater delight. The streets resounded with their con-
gratulations they extolled their governor as the father
and deliverer of his country they crowded to his house
to testify their gratitude, and were ten times more noisy
in their plaudits, than when he returned, with victory
perched upon his beaver, from the glorious capture of
Fort Christina ; but the indignant Peter shut his doors
and windows, and took refuge in the innermost recesses of
his mansion, that he might not hear the ignoble rejoicings
of the rabble.
In consequence of this consent of the governor, a parley
was demanded of the besieging forces to treat of the terms
of surrender. Accordingly a deputation of six commis-
sioners was appointed on both sides, and on the 27th
August, 1664, a capitulation highly favourable to the pro-
NEW-YORK. 359
vince, and honourable to Peter Stuyvesant, was agreed to
by the enemy, who had conceived a high opinion of the
valour of the men of the Manhattoes, and the magnanimity
and unbounded discretion of their governor.
One thing alone remained, which was, that the articles
of surrender should be ratified, and signed by the gover-
nor. When the commissioners respectfully waited upon
him for this purpose, they were received by the hardy old
warrior with the most grim and bitter courtesy. His war-
like accoutrements were laid aside an old India night-
gown was wrapped around his rugged limbs, a red night
cap overshadowed his frowning brow, and an iron gray
beard, of three days' growth, gave additional grimness to
his visage. Thrice did he seize a little worn-out stump of
a pen, and essay to sign the loathsome paper thrice did
he clinch his teeth, and make a most horrible countenance,
as though a pestiferous dose of rhubarb, senna, and ipe-
cacuanha, had been offered to his lips ; at length, dashing
it from him, he seized his brass hilted sword, and jerking
it from the scabbard, swore by St. Nicholas, he'd sooner
die than yield to any power under heaven.
In vain was every attempt to shake this sturdy resolu-
tion menaces, remonstrances, revilings were exhausted
to no purpose ; for two whole days was the house of the
valiant Peter besieged by the clamorous rabble, and for
two whole days did he betake himself to his arms, and per-
sist in a magnanimous refusal to ratify the capitulation
thus, like another Horatius Codes, bearing the whole
brunt of war, and defending this modern Rome, with the
prowess of his single arm !
At length the populace, finding that boisterous measures
did but incense more determined opposition, bethought
themselves of an humble expedient, by which, haply, the
governor's lofty ire might be soothed, and his resolution
undermined. And now a solemn and mournful procession,
headed by the burgomasters and schepens, and followed
360 HISTORY OF
by the populace, moves slowly to the governor's dwelling,
bearing the capitulation. Here they found the stout old
hero, drawn up like a giant into his castle, the doors
strongly barricadoed, and himself in full regimentals, with
his cocked hat on his head, firmly posted with a blunder-
buss at the garret window.
There was something in this formidable position that
struck even the ignoble vulgar with awe and admiration.
The brawling multitude could not but reflect with self-
abasement, upon their own pusillanimous conduct, when
they beheld their hardy but deserted old governor, thus
faithful to his post, like a forlorn hope, and fully prepared
to defend his ungrateful city to the last. These compunc-
tions, however, were soon overwhelmed by the recurring
tide of public apprehension. The populace arranged
themselves before the house, taking off* their hats with
most respectful humility Burgomaster Roerback, who
was of that popular class of orators, described by old Sal-
lust, as being talkative rather than eloquent," stepped
forth and addressed the governor in a speech of three
hours' length; detailing in the most pathetic terms the
calamitous situation of the province, and urging him in a
constant repetition of the same arguments and words, to
sign the capitulation.
The mighty Peter eyed him from his little garret win-
dow in grim silence now and then his eye would glance
over the surrounding rabble, and an indignant grin, like
that of an angry mastiff, would mark his iron visage ; but
though he was a man of most undaunted mettle though
he had a heart as big as an ox, and a head that would have
set adamant to scorn yet after all he was a mere mortal :
wearied out by these repeated oppositions, and this
eternal haranguing, and perceiving that unless he com-
plied the inhabitants would follow their inclinations, or ra-
ther their fears, without waiting for his consent, he testily
ordered them to hand him up the paper. It was according-
NEW-YORK. 361
ly hoisted to him on the end of a pole, and having scrawled
his name at the bottom of it he anathematized them all for
a set of cowardly, mutinous, degenerate poltroons threw
the capitulation at their heads, slammed down the window,
and was heard stumping down stairs with the most vehe-
ment indignation. The rabble incontinently took to their
heels ; even the burgomasters were not slow in evacuating
the premises, fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue
from his den, and greet them with some unwelcome testi-
monial of his displeasure.
Within three hours after the surrender, a legion of Bri-
tish beef-fed warriors poured into New- Amsterdam, taking
possession of the fort and batteries. And now might be
heard, from all quarters, the sound of hammers made by
the old Dutch burghers, who were busily employed, nail-
ing up their doors and windows, to protect their vrouws
from these fierce barbarians, whom they contemplated in
silent sullenness from the garret windows, as they paraded
through the streets.
Thus did Col. Richard Nichols, the commander of the
British forces, enter into quiet possession of the conquered
realm as locum lenens for the Duke of York. The victory
was attended with no other outrage than that of changing
the name of the province and its metropolis, which thence-
forth were denominated NEW- YORK, and so have contin-
ued to be called unto the present day. The inhabitants,
according to treaty, were allowed to maintain quiet posses-
sion of their property ; but so inveterately did they retain
their abhorrence to the British nation, that in a private
meeting of the leading citizens, it was unanimously deter-
mined, never to ask any of their conquerors to dinner.
362 HISTORY OF
CHAPTER IX.
Containing the dignified retirement) and mortal surrender of
Peter the Headstrong.
THUS then have I concluded this great historical enter-
prize ; but before I lay aside my weary pen, there yet re-
mains to be performed one pious duty. If among the
variety of readers that may peruse this book, there should
haply be found any of those souls of true nobility, which
glow with celestial fire, at the history of the generous and
the brave, they will doubtless be anxious to know the fate
of the gallant Peter Stuyvesant. To gratify one such ster-
ling heart of gold I would go more lengths, than to instruct
the cold-blooded curiosity of a whole fraternity of philo-
sophers.
No sooner had that high-mettled cavalier signed the ar-
ticles of capitulation, than, determined not to witness the
humiliation of his favourite city, he turned his back on
its walls and made a growling retreat to his Bouwery, or
country-seat, which was situated about two miles off;
where he passed the remainder of his days in patriarchal
retirement. There he enjoyed that tranquillity of mind,
which he had never known amid the distracting cares of
government; and tasted the sweets of absolute and uncon-
trolled authority, which his factious subjects had so often
dashed with the bitterness of opposition.
No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit the city
on the contrary, he would always have his great arm-
chair placed with its back to the windows which looked
in that direction ; until a thick grove of trees planted by
his own hand grew up and formed a screen, that effectually
excluded it from the prospect. He railed continually at
the degenerate innovations and improvements introduced
NEW-YORK. 363
by the conquerors forbade a word of their detested lan-
guage to be spoken in his family, a prohibition readily o-
beyed, since none of the household could speak any thing
but Dutch and even ordered a fine avenue to be cut
down in front of his house, because it consisted of English
cherry-trees.
The same incessant vigilance, that blazed forth when
he had a vast province under his care, now showed itself
with equal vigour, though in narrower limits. He patrol-
led with unceasing watchfulness around the boundaries of
his little territory; repelled every encroachment with in-
trepid promptness; punished every vagrant depredation
upon his orchard or his farm-yard with inflexible severity ;
and conducted every stray hog or cow in triumph to the
pound. But to the indigent neighbour, the friendless
stranger, or the weary wanderer, his spacious door was
ever open, and his capacious fire-place, that emblem of
his own warm and generous heart, had always a corner to
receive and cherish them. There was an exception to this,
I must confess, in case the ill-starred applicant was an
Englishman or a Yankee; to whom, though he might ex-
tend the hand of assistance, he could never be brought to
yield the rites of hospitality. Nay, if peradventure some
straggling merchant of the east, should stop at his door,
with his cart-load of tin-ware or wooden bowls, the fiery
Peter would issue forth like a giant from his castle, and
make such a furious clattering among his pots and kettles,
that the vender of " notions' 9 was fain to betake himself to
instant flight.
His ancient suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by the
brush, were carefully hung up in the state bed-chamber,
and regularly aired the first fair day of every month ; and
his cocked-hat and trusty sword were suspended in grim
repose, over the parlour mantel-piece, forming supporters
to a full length portrait of the renowned Admiral Von
Tromp. In his domestic empire he maintained strict dis-
364 HISTORY OF
cipline, and a well organized, despotic government; but
though his own will was the supreme law, yet the good of
his subjects was his constant object. He watched over,
not merely their immediate comforts, but their morals,
and their ultimate welfare; for he gave them abundance
of excellent admonition, nor could any of them complain,
that when occasion required, he was by any means nig-
gardly in bestowing wholesome correction.
The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical demon-
strations of an overflowing heart and a thankful spirit,
which are falling into sad disuse among my fellow-citizens,
were faithfully observed in the mansion of Governor Stuy-
vesant. New-year was truly a day of open-handed libe-
rality, of jocund revelry, and warm-hearted congratulation
when the bosom seemed to swell with genial good-fel-
lowship; and the plenteous table was attended with an
unceremonious freedom, and honest broad-mouthed mer-
riment, unknown in these days of degeneracy and refine-
ment. Paas and Pinxter were scrupulously observed
throughout his dominions; nor was the day of St. Nicholas
suffered to pass by, without making presents, hanging the
stocking in the chimney, and complying with all its other
ceremonies.
Once a-year, on the first day of April, he used to array
himself in full regimentals, being the anniversary of his
triumphal entry into New- Amsterdam, after the conquest
of New Sweden. This was always a kind of Saturnalia
among the domestics, when they considered themselves at
liberty in some measure, to say and do what they pleased;
for on this day their master was always observed to un-
bend, and become exceeding pleasant and jocose, sending
the old gray-headed negroes on April fools' errands for
pigeon's milk ; not one of whom but allowed himself to be
taken in, and humoured his old master's jokes, as became
a faithful and well disciplined dependant. Thus did he
reign, happily and peacefully on his own land injuring
NEW-YORK. 365
no man envying no man molested by no outward strifes
perplexed by no internal commotions ; and the mighty
monarchs of the earth, who were vainly seeking to main-
tain peace, and promote the welfare of mankind, by war
and desolation, would have done well to have made a voy-
age to the little island of Manna-hata, and learned a lesson
in government from the domestic economy of Peter Stuy-
vesant.
In process of time, however, the old governor, like all
other children of mortality, began to exhibit evident to-
kens of decay. Like an aged oak, which, though it long
has braved the fury of the elements, and still retains its
gigantic proportions, yet begins to shake and groan with
every blast so the gallant Peter, though he still bore the
port and semblance of what he was in the days of his har-
dihood and chivalry, yet did age and infirmity begin to
sap the vigour of his frame ; but his heart, that most un-
conquerable citadel, still triumphed unsubdued. With
matchless avidity would he listen to every article of intel-
ligence concerning the battles between the English and
Dutch. Still would his pulse beat high, whenever he
heard of the victories of De Ruyter ; and his countenance
lower, and his eyebrows knit, when fortune turned in fa-
vour of the English. At length, as on a certain day, he
had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was napping after din-
ner, in his arm-chair, conquering the whole British nation
in his dreams, he was suddenly aroused by a fearful ring-
ing of bells, rattling of drums, and roaring of cannon, that
put all his blood in a ferment. But when he learnt, that
these rejoicings were in honour of a great victory obtained
by the combined English and French fleets, over the brave
De Ruyter, and the younger Von Tromp, it went so much
to his heart, that he took to his bed, and in less than three
days, was brought to death's door, by a violent cholera
morbus ! But even in this extremity, he still displayed
the unconquerable spirit of Peter the Headstrong ; holding
366 HISTORY OF
out, to the last gasp, with the most inflexible obstinacy,
against a whole army of old women, who were bent upon
driving the enemy out of his bowels, after a true Dutch
mode of defence, by inundating the seat of war with cat-
nip and pennyroyal.
While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of dissolu-
tion, news was brought him, that the brave Ruyter had
suffered but little loss had made good his retreat and
meant once more to meet the enemy in battle. The clos-
ing eye of the old warrior kindled at the words he partly
raised himself in bed a flash of martial fire beamed across
his visage he clinched his withered hand, as if he felt
within his gripe that sword which waved in triumph before
the walls of Fort Chris tin a^ and giving a grim smile of
exultation, sunk back upon his pillow, and expired.
Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, a valiant soldier, a loyal
subject, an upright governor, and an honest Dutchman
who wanted only a few empires to desolate, to have been
immortalized as a hero !
His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the utmost
grandeur and solemnity. The town was perfectly emptied
of its inhabitants, who crowded in throngs to pay the last
sad honours to their good old governor. All his sterling
qualities rushed in full tide upon their recollections, while
the memory of his foibles, and his faults, had expired with
him. The ancient burghers contended who should have
the privilege of bearing the pall the populace strove who
should walk nearest to the bier and the melancholy pro-
cession was closed by a number of gray-headed negroes,
who had wintered and summered in the household of their
departed master, for the greater part of a century.
With sad and gloomy countenances, the multitude ga-
thered round the grave. They dwelt with mournful hearts
on the sturdy virtues, the signal services, and the gallant
exploits of the brave old worthy. They recalled, with se-
cret upbraidings, their own factious oppositions to his go-
NEW-YORK. 367
vernment and many an ancient burgher, whose phleg-
matic features had never been known to relax, nor his eyes
to moisten, was now observed to puff a pensive pipe, and
the big drop to steal down his cheek while he muttered,
with affectionate accent, and melancholy shake of the head
" Well den ! Hard-koppig Peter ben gone at last."
His remains were deposited in the family vault, under
a chapel, which he had piously erected on his estate, and
dedicated to St. Nicholas and which stood on the iden-
tical spot at present occupied by St. Mark's Church, where
his tombstone is still to be seen. His estate, or Bouwery,
as it was called, has ever continued in the possession of
his descendants ; who, by the uniform integrity of their
conduct, and their strict adherence to the customs and
manners that prevailed in the " good old times," have prov-
ed themselves worthy of their illustrious ancestor. Many
a time and oft, has the farm been haunted at night by en-
terprizing money-diggers, in quest of pots of gold, said to
have been buried by the old governor though I cannot
learn that any of them have ever been enriched by their
researches and who is there, among my native-born
fellow-citizens, that does not remember, when in the
mischievous days of his boyhood, he conceived it a great
exploit, to rob Stuyvesant's orchard " on a holiday af-
ternoon ?
At this strong hold of the family may still be seen cer-
tain memorials of the immortal Peter. His full length
portrait frowns in martial terrors from the parlour wall
his cocked-hat and sword still hang up in the best bed-
room. His brimstone-coloured breeches were for a long
while suspended in the hall, until some years since they
occasioned a dispute between a new married couple. And
his silver mounted wooden-leg is still treasured up in the
store-room, as an invaluable relique.
368 HISTORY OF
CHAPTER X.
The Author's reflections upon what has been said.
AMONG the numerous events, which are each in their
turn, the most direful and melancholy of all possible oc-
currences, in your interesting and authentic history, there
is none that occasions such deep and heart-rending griefj
as the decline and fall of your renowned and mighty em-
pires. Where is the reader who can contemplate without
emotion, the disastrous events by which the great dynas-
ties of the world have been extinguished ? While wan-
dering, in imagination, among the gigantic ruins of states
and empires, and marking the tremendous convulsions
that wrought their overthrow, the bosom of the melan-
choly inquirer swells with sympathy commensurate to the
surrounding desolation. Kingdoms, principalities, and
powers, have each had their rise, their progress, and their
downfal each in its turn has swayed a potent sceptre
each has returned to its primeval nothingness ; and thus
did it fare with the empire of their high mightinesses, at
the Manhattoes, under the peaceful reign of Walter the
Doubter the fretful reign of William the Testy and
the chivalric reign of Peter the Headstrong.
Its history is fruitful of instruction, and worthy of being
pondered over attentively ; for it is by thus raking among
the ashes of departed greatness, that the sparks of true
knowledge are found, and the lamp of wisdom illumined.
Let then the reign of Walter the Doubter warn against
yielding to that sleek, contented security, that overween-
ing fondness for comfort and repose, that are produced by
a state of prosperity and peace. These tend to unnerve
a nation, to destroy its pride of character ; to render it
patient of insult, deaf to the calls of honour and of justice;
NEW-YORK. 369
and cause it to cling to peace, like the sluggard to his
pillow, at the expense of every valuable duty and conside-
ration. Such supineness insures the very evil from which
it shrinks. One right yielded up, produces the usurpa-
tion of a second ; one encroachment passively suffered,
makes way for another ; and the nation that thus, through
a doting love of peace, has sacrificed honour and interest,
will at length have to fight for existence.
Let the disastrous reign of William the Testy serve as
a salutary warning against that fitful, feverish mode of
legislation, that acts without system ; depends on shifts
and projects, and trusts to lucky contingencies ; that he-
sitates, and wavers, and at length decides with the rash-
ness of ignorance and imbecility. That stoops for popu-
larity by courting the prejudices, and flattering the arro-
gance, rather than commanding the respect of the rabble.
That seeks safety in a multitude of counsellors, and dis-
tracts itself by a variety of contradictory schemes and
opinions. That mistakes procrastination for deliberate
wariness hurry for decision starveling parsimony for
wholesome economy bustle for business and vapouring
for valour. That is violent in council, sanguine in ex~
pectation, precipitate in action, and feeble in execution.
That undertakes enterprizes without forethought, enters
upon them without preparation, conducts them without
energy, and ends them in confusion and defeat.
Let the reign of the good Stuyvesant show the effects
of vigour and decision, even when destitute of cool judg-
ment, and surrounded by perplexities. Let it show how
frankness, probity, and high-souled courage will command
respect, and secure honour, even where success is unat-
tainable. But, at the same time, let it caution against a
too ready reliance on the good faith of others, and a too
honest confidence in the loving professions of powerful
neighbours, who are most friendly when they most mean
to betray. Let it teach a judicious attention to the opi-
3 A
370 HISTORY OF
nions and wishes of the many, who, in times of peril,
must be soothed and led, or apprehension will overpower
the deference to authority.
Let the empty wordiness of his factious subjects their
intemperate harangues their violent "resolutions" their
hectorings against an absent enemy, and their pusillanimi-
ty on his approach teach us to distrust and despise those
clamorous patriots, whose courage dwells but in the tongue.
Let them serve as a lesson to repress that insolence of
speech, destitute of real force, which too often breaks
forth in popular bodies, and bespeaks the vanity rather
than the spirit of a nation. Let them caution us against
vaunting too much of our own power and prowess, and
reviling a noble enemy. True gallantry of soul would
always lead us to treat a foe with courtesy and proud
punctilio; a contrary conduct but takes from the merit
of victory, and renders defeat doubly disgraceful.
But I cease to dwell on the stores of excellent example
to be drawn from the ancient chronicles of the Manhat-
toes. He who reads attentively will discover the threads
of gold, which run throughout the web of history, and are
invisible to the dull eye of ignorance. But before I con-
clude, let me point out a solemn warning, furnished in
the subtle chain of events by which the capture of Fort
Casirnir has produced the present convulsions of our globe.
Attend then, gentle reader, to this plain deduction,
which if thou art a king, an emperor, or other powerful
potentate, I advise thee to treasure up in thy heart, though
little expectation have I that my work will fall into such
hands ; for well I know the care of crafty ministers, to
keep all grave and edifying books of the kind out of the
way of unhappy monarchs, lest, peradventure, they should
read them and learn wisdom.
By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimir then did
the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient triumph ; but drew
upon their heads the vengeance of Peter Stuyvesant, who
NEW. YORK. 371
wrested all New Sweden from their hands. By the con-
quest of New Sweden, Peter Stuyvesant aroused the
claims of Lord Baltimore ; who appealed to the cabinet
of Great Britain; who subdued the whole province of
New Netherlands. By this great achievement the whole
extent of North America from Nova Scotia to the Flori-
das, was rendered one entire dependency upon the British
crown ; but mark the consequence. The hitherto scat-
tered colonies being thus consolidated, and having no ri-
val colonies to check or keep them in awe, waxed great
and powerful ; and, finally, becoming too strong for the
mother country, were enabled to shake off its bonds, and
by a glorious revolution became an independent empire.
But the chain of effects stopped not here ; the successful
revolution in America produced the sanguinary revolution
in France, which produced the puissant Bonaparte, who
produced the French despotism, which has thrown the
whole world in confusion ! Thus have these great powers
been successively punished for their ill-starred conquests ;
and thus, as I asserted, have all the present convulsions,
revolutions, and disasters, that overwhelm mankind, ori-
ginated in the capture of the little Fort Casimir, as re-
corded in this eventful history.
And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad farewell
which, alas ! must be for ever willingly would I part in
cordial fellowship, and bespeak thy kind-hearted remem-
brance. That I have not written a better history of the
days of the patriarchs is not my fault had any other per-
son written one as good, I should not have attempted it
at all that many will hereafter spring up and surpass me
in excellence, I have very little doubt, and still less care ;
well knowing, that when the great Christovallo Colon
(who is vulgarly called Columbus) had once stood his egg
upon its end, every one at table could stand his up a
thousand times more dexterously. Should any reader
find matter of offence in this history, I should heartily
372 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK.
grieve, though I would on no account question his pene-
tration* by telling him he is mistaken his good nature,
by telling him he is captious or his pure conscience, by
telling him he is startled at a shadow. Surely if he is so
ingenious in finding offence where none is intended, it
were a thousand pities he should npt be suffered to enjoy
the benefit of his discovery.
I have too high an opinion of the understanding of my
fellow-citizens, to think of yielding them any instruction,
and I covet too much their good will, to forfeit it by giv-
ing them good advice. I am none of those cynics who
despise the world, because it despises them on the con-
trary, though but low in its regard, I look up to it with
the most perfect good nature, and my only sorrow is, that
it does not prove itself more worthy of the unbounded
love I bear it.
If, however, in this my historic production the scanty
fruit of a long and laborious life I have failed to gratify
the dainty palate of the age, I can only lament my mis-
fortune for it is too late in the season for me even to
hope to repair it. Already has withering age showered
his sterile snows upon my brow ; in a little while, and this
genial warmth, which still lingers around my heart, and
throbs worthy reader throbs kindly towards thyself,
will be chilled for ever. Haply this frail compound of
dust, which while alive may have given birth to nought
but unprofitable weeds, may form an humble sod of the
valley, from whence may spring many a sweet wild flower,
to adorn my beloved island of Manna-hata !
FINIS.
Printed by R. Chapman, Glasgow,
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