L\0^ f./D/
Slave a holly, jolly exam period with
Ji*r* * 4
laxkg axk?
'F^iE'E in 'Canada * $19.96 by mall order * 1 litre of ^gg 3Jog elsewhere
LGMB claims presidency in US
Val Colden.
To ike Investigative Team
Washington DC. November 25.
2000. 9:1 1 am - After the confusion
over who would be the next
American president entered its third
week, martial law was briefly
declared, and George W Bush named
himself as the next president. But
while attempting to move his
belongings into the White House.
Bush was confronted by a loud and
apparently drunk group who
identified themselves as the Lady
Godiva Memorial Bnad. He
attempted to call White House
security, only to discover that since
the declaration of martial law. the
rambunctious troup had created
their own Bnad's Fucking Cecuritee.
To add injury to insult, the bnad
proceeded to serenade Bush with
their rendition of Louie Louie,
causing his eardrums to rupture.
The LGMB were able, even in
their drunken state (DC), to organize
and conduct a press conference. At
this conference it was revealed that
the Bnad arranged for the
controversial "butterfly ballot" to be
used in Florida, and thus confuse the
simple-minded voters there. They
had intended to immediately claim
the presidency after it was discovered
that the vote count was inconclusive,
but they hesitated, instead partaking
in a post-midterm bender in their
newly-acquired country of
Greenland. By the time they had
reasonably sobered, the United
States of America became the
Divided States of No Known Leader,
and the declaration of martial law
had the effect of actually bringing
more order to the country,
compared to the chaos of re-re-re-
recounting the votes. The bnad had
to act fast, so they quickly staggered
in and took the presidency as they
had previously planned.
When asked what their next
target would be. the LGMB was
secretive. They muttered
incoherently among themselves.
The motley crew trying a new number Chariots of Fire (tile photo)
then finally revealed that they were
going to press Northwards, back into
Toronto, and take over the Nathan
Philips Square skating rink and the
Peel Pub (not necessarily in that
order). One member said that they
would then move into Alaska, but
another member corrected him.
saying "there's nothing up there
anyway, why bother?" Having
completed their press conference,
the bnad did a troop move of a few
units back to Greenland, took their
card, and passed the dice.
Shocking new study!
Exams are health nightmare
Danny Sundararajan.
To ike Investigative Team
In a recent health study, a group
of researchers has come to the
conclusion that exams are unhealthy
for engineers' health. During a typical
exam schedule, engineers' healths
deteriorate. Not only is the
combination of little sleep and too
much stress unhealthy, but also shown
to be a contributing factor is the huge
amounts of caffeine ingested.
This reporter wanted to learn
more, so he headed to the office of the
head of the study for comment.
Doctor Foolish had this to say. "I really
don't understand why this occurs,
when I was an undergrad. I never had
stress during exams." Doctor Foolish
also related something else. 'While this
does occur during the time of exams,
there is also another troubling time,
which we call the day of the last exam,
where there is a huge consumption of
alcohol within a short amount of time.
1 just don't understand, after a time of
so little sleep. I know I would sleep, why
don't engineers do that?"
This reporter was about to attempt
to explain to the doctor the reason
when this reporter looked at the
doctor's degree and saw that his
undergrad came from the Faculty of
Arts & Science. Knowing that there
was no point then, this reporter made
ready to leave when Doctor Foolish
related an anecdote. "I once went up
to a doctor in my practice who had a
leather jacket on with the words
Skule™ printed on them.
Remembering my investigations of
engineers. I remembered that that was
their code word. When I got closer
the jacket had Eng Sci on its sleeve. I
asked my colleague if he could explain
my findings to me. He read the report,
smiled, tapped his ring (possibly made
of steel or something) on his finger,
and walked away laughing. Do you
know why he would do that?" Doctor
Foolish finished recounting his story
and then asked. "Why are you laughing
too. what's with you engineers?" This
reporter promptly left the good
Doctor's office in mirth.
Seriously readers, while exams are
hell, don't kill yourself over them
(otherwise how will you be able to
enjoy the future issues of the Toifce!).
Down with
Hooray for
Elf S. Independent Columnist
Around this time of year, the
good Gentile girls and boys expect a
visit from Santa Claus to give them
all sorts of toys and presents. Santa,
the "jolly old soul" who delivers toys
to near and far, has the respect of
millions of people worldwide for
bringing joy and cheer. 1 think it is
time for the truth to be known!
Santa is entirely undeserving of such
respect, and we. the Elves Requiring
True Words to be spoken, demand
that you stop this mindless worship
Santa Claus (or Heavy C as he
likes us to call him) is largely in the
public spotlight nowadays. He's
often seen in malls, storefronts,
parades. Canadian Tire commercials,
etc. With all these public
appearances, when do you thinh he
makes all the toys that you whine
and make insane promises for?
Simple, he doesn't While he's out
getting all the glory, the true
workers are back at the North Pole
slaving away. Why is that? He can't
do the work himself. Brace yourself
for a shock: Santa is an Arts and
Santa!
Elves!
Sciences graduate! He lacks both the
skills and knowledge necessary to
make even basic toys such as the
rubber ball. So he hires all of us
underprivileged elves, possessors of
Engineering degrees but unable to
find work due to the migration of jobs
Southward f where else will they go
from the North Pole? -Ed.], for a
pittance to do all the work. I mean,
look at your average Artsie off the
street. Do you think they have any
idea how a Slinky works, much less
how to make one? Santa is no better
off.
It's time to give credit where
credit is due! Down with Heavy C!
Boycott his parades! Ignore his
photo sessions! Demand to see the
real heroes of this holiday time!
http://toike.skule.ca
bttp://engsoc. skule. ca
Funniness Online - hosted by EGate Communications
Engineering News Online - hosted by EGate Communications
Page 2
Volume #94 No. 4
5Joliday procrastination
Favourite Holiday Songs
of People Around Eng Soc
A random selection of students around Eng Soc
and the Atrium were polled, and gave us their
favourite festive tunes:
"My personal favourite has to be 'I “What conference?"
Saw Three Ships'." -Whars-her-face.
-Mark Ford. some officer or something
former Concrete Canoeist
"Nothing says 'festive' like the 1812
"It's all aboot fs/cJVne 'Good King Overture."
Wenceslas'. Did you know that the -Dave Wright,
tune for that can be used with the former Chief Attiiiator
words to Godiva's Hymn? Pretty
fucked up. eh? And the tune from "Whenever I hear my Commodore
Blues Traveller's Hook' sounds 64 play strains of 'Silent Night' on
exactly lihe Canon in D." its all-powerful SID chip, it brings a
-Adam Walker tear to my eye."
LGMB junior ieedur -Matt Parker.
Eng Com System Administrator
“I'd have to say 'Here we go a
wassailing' is my favourite. It's my dirty little secret that my
Wassailing means drinhing, right? favourite song is 'White Christmas'.
Man. I could go for a drinh. Anyone If you tell anyone I'll hill you."
else? Anyone?” -Matt darkiord' Lenner
-Ken McNeil, aspiring Suds
co-manager “Anything beats the silence I've had
to worh through. Whoever stole the
“It's not really a holiday song, but speahers from Eng Com is gonna
I've been greatly inspired by pay!"
Counting Crows' 'I've been Hanging -Dave Perry.
Arou n d . ' ” Toike editor (and not bitter)
Engineering Students defective?
Toike Investigative Team
A situation recently arose at the minutes of deliberation all the
University of Toronto's Faculty of board members were in agreement.
Engineering The administration is Starting school on a Thursday and
forcing a recall on all students by ending on a Wednesday just makes
Thursday. January 4th. According sense."
to several staff members, it appears All students are expected to
that several, if not all students are return to school at 9 am. Thursday,
defective. January 4th. 2000 where the faculty
"What can we say? We’ve been will proceed with the following
examining some students and it schedule:
seems that they're not performing 9:00 am: Line up inside Sanford
up to par with our standards. Fleming
They're obviously not functioning 10:00 am: Speeches by the heads of
correctly, they must be defective." the faculty
said Professor Meekes. 1 1:00 am: Hard kicks to the posterior
Administration agrees; "By for each student (given by staff)
calling the students back on the 12:00 pm : Departmental Lunches
Thursday, we are effectively cutting 1:00 pm: Congratulational
their vacation by a whopping four Speeches
days, now that's efficiency!", said 2:00 pm : Second round of kicks
Gordon Ross, a U of T executive. 3:00 pm: Pop quizzes
"We looked at our alternatives, and We hope that all students
we've thought long and hard about adhere to the regulations of the
the students schedule. After tiring Faculty.
® weloe Days of
by gmsan Sxrylb
On the ‘FTRST day of exams my professors gave to me,
an 9 in 99J7180.
On the S‘E C 809J© day of exams my professors gave to
me,
two failed bridges, and an T In 99)7180.
On the 79)9$S) day of exams my professors gave to me,
three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an 7 in
99)7180.
On tbe < F0 C USL C T9) day of exams my professors gave to
me,
four delta epsilons, three cups of coffee, two failed
bridges, and an 7 In 99)7180.
On tbe ^779) day of exams my professors gave to me,
five sleepless nlgbts!!! ‘pour delta epsilons, three cups
of coffee, two failed bridges, and an 7 in 99)7180.
On tbe 879)79) day of exams my professors gave to me,
six minutes remaining, five sleepless nights! ‘Four delta
epsilons, three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an
7 in 99)7180
On tbe 87 C V £ E9)79) day of exams my professors gave to
me,
seven unsolved equations, six minutes left, five sleepless
nights! ‘pour delta epsilons, three cups of coffee, two
failed bridges, and an 7 in 99)7180.
On tbe £ E9 C 89)99) day of exams my professors gave to me,
eight unknown values, seven unsolved equations, six
Do you Engineering Science
students find making snowballs
too practical? Not enough theory?
Try the new auto-ball.
Only $90.95 from K-Tel.
JJere wa go a-waffllng among tbe leave* so green. ..waitamlnlt...
thg (iDiki
Volume #94 No. 4
Page 3
l£xnm%
minutes left, five sleepless nights! 'pour delta epsilons,
three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an T in
99JT180.
On the 9! c I9f < T51 day of exams my professors gave to me
nine eigenvectors, eight unknown values, seven unsolved
equations, six minutes remaining, five sleepless nights!
Tour delta epsilons, three cups of coffee, two failed
bridges, and an T in 95W180.
On the C T < E3J C T5J day of exams my professors gave to me,
ten recursive functions, nine eigenvectors, eight
unknown values, seven unsolved equations, six minutes
remaining, five sleepless nights! Tour delta epsilons,
three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an T In
95I°fl80.
On the < E c L < E c V‘E3i c r9J day of exams my professors gave
to me,
eleven full strength aspirin, ten recursive functions,
nine eigenvectors, eight unknown values, seven unsolved
equations, six minutes remaining, five sleepless nights!
Tour delta epsilons, three cups of coffee, two failed
bridges, and an T 1» 95JT180.
On the TWEI/FTSt day of exams my professors gave to
me,
twelve differentials, eleven full strength aspirin, ten
recursive functions, nine eigenvectors, eight unknown
values, seven unsolved equations, six minutes
remaining, five sleepless nights! Tour delta epsilons,
three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an T 1»
99JT180.
Hrand& Toy :
gifts people actually use
[Christmas 2000
Geek removal
spatula from
Dacor.
Tickle - me
EMINEM
Only $19.95
Only $39.95
}
Holiday Programming Schedule
Get ready for another fantastic year of holiday television viewing. It is
the time of the season for corporations to remind us just how much we
need them through the sponsoring of holiday television programs. The
Toike has compiled the following list of holiday specials that you
shouldn't miss.
Martha Stewart's Christmas Special
From the Diva of the home comes
the newest in her series of Christmas
specials. Building on last year lesson
of killing turkeys for the holidays,
this year we will learn how to clean
and gut them. Miss Piggy is
guaranteed to make an appearance
and hit on some guy who is way out
of her league. Also, look for the long
line of drunken celebrities. Last year
was Dennis Franz (NYPD Blue) who
talked for over seven minutes on the
benefits of "wassailing".
CBS Dec 12 - 18:00 EST
Christmas Sing-AIong Death Match:
Anne Murray vs. Rita MacNeil
This year's release of Christmas Sing-
Along Death Match features two of
Canada's most acclaimed singer/
songwriters. Anne Murray and Rita
MacNeil, both canucks from the East
coast, will face each other in a to-
the-death sing-along with under-
privileged children. Rita has been
the champion for the last two years,
replacing John Denver as the
champion. Rita has been perfecting
her 'rolling belly' finishing move.
Will she beat Murray, the upbeat
children's crooner, and take the
crown for a third time? Tune in to
find out.
CBC Dec. 22- 17:00 EST
The Muppets and Carlos Santana
Supernatural Christmas Special
Every child's favourite comedy
troupe of stuffed socks will be hosting
their traditional Christmas special.
The sometimes adult-themed show
will be full of the familiar antics of
Gonzo. Kermit et al. As is the norm,
the show will feature a mystery guest
This year it's Carlos Santana. As in
all of his appearances of late. Carlos
Santana will also have a mystery
guest. This time it's Rob Thomas
from Matchbox Twenty. This evening
will be fun for all. The semantics of
the guest-within-a-guest problem
will surely delight many an Eng Sci.
FOX Dec. 18 - 23.00 EST
Dis is da'Chief of the (non-existant)
BFC. I have bracked this article
becausel wanted to recommend a
holiday special to you all. The
episode of Seinfeld where George
celebrates Festivus instead of
Christmas by raising a pole in his
house is very inspiring. In fact, I
believe that we will have a Festivus
celebration of our own here at the
Bakery, thanks to the engineers at
Queens. But I recommend you
watch it. And remember: WE ARE
WATCHING.
A Traditional Christmas with
Eminem
Everyone should tune into this fun-
filled hour with everyone's favourite
rapper. Eminem, under fire of late
for not selling enough hate-
mongering records, is making his
attempt to reach an even younger
demographic. Eminem has promised
to make this evening "f**king fun for
all" through a happy mixture of
content for adults and children. This
is a true family special where parents
can learn valuable lessons on how
not to raise children, and the little
ones can learn valuable lessons in
fake wife killing, pistol-whipping, and
general bigotry As an added extra.
Eminem will share his secret "how to
twist the media around your pinkie
finger" recipe. CMT Dec. 6 - 17:00 EST
This ad is real. Please support our supporters
SPRING BREAK & NEW YEAR’S TRIPS!
Daytona Beach, Acapulco, Montreal &
Quebec from $129!
Party with Thousands for New Year's &
Spring Break with Breakaway Tours,
Canada’s #1 Student Tour Operator!
Organize a small group and TRAVEL FREE!
Call 416-974-9774
www.breakawaytou rs.com
Tm not looking forward to exam.. H don’t think tb.y’ll be qulning m. on bow to edit . new.paper.
Page 4
Cjlfrr (Strike ([Dike
Volume #94 No. 4
You can’t make this crap up!
Germans seeking airport
toilet end up in Moscow
FRANKFURT (Reuters) - Two
drunken Germans, apparently
looking for a toilet during a
conference at Frankfurt airport, got
on a plane by mistake and flew to
Moscow.
The 20-year-old men were
wandering round the
airport when they
found themselves on
the tarmac and
boarded a shuttle bus
which drove to a
Lufthansa plane
bound for the
Russian capital.
"They got in and
sat in the back of the
aeroplane which
then flew to Moscow." said Frankfurt
state prosecutor Job Tilmann.
"They weren't even at the airport
to fly anywhere. They were at a
conference and had been walking
around, evidently in a drunken
stupor." he told Reuters on
Wednesday.
On arrival in Moscow, they
realised they had no passports. let
alone entry visas. Russian police put
them on a flight back to Frankfurt,
where Federal Border Police charged
them with joyriding.
Bild newspaper said the men had
been looking for a toilet at the
mu
I bet you didn thnow the bnad was German '
airport. "That may be so." said
Tilmann.
A Lufthansa spokeswoman said:
"There is no way they could have got
down to the tarmac without passing
a security check. We don't know how
they got there. The problem is they
don't remember."
-submitted by Don
Blue and Gold Drink contest winner
The winner of the contest to create a drink we can be proud to call
a Blue and Gold is Dan Siegal. The winning drink is a shooter, a mixture
of Blue Curacao and Goldschlager. "They don't layer." Siegal said, "but
they make this cool holographic effect."
The drink is now available as a standard shooter at Suds. Siegal’s
entry won a narrow victory over another mixed drink, beer and beer.
Elderly male drives car into
subway station
Spadina Street car
service was shutdown
for nearly two hours at
around 8pm last
Thursday. Toronto
Fire crews responded
to the report of a fire
in the Spadina subway
station as smoke filled
the subway platform
and bellowed from the
street car entrance
above. Upon arriving,
fire crews discovered
the source of the smoke was
originating from burning rubber
from a Ford Taurus station wagon
that had driven down the street car
tunnel, despite the huge sign reading
"No Rubber Tired Vehicles Allowed."
When the elderly male realized this
The unfortunate driver getting his ticket
"Now how do we get it out?"
was not the drive through metropass
kiosk, he attempted to turn his
vehicle around. Lodged in the
tunnel, his bumper caught on the
elevated street car rails. Not
realizing this, he stepped on [the]
accelerator, burning out his tires
[and] filling the tunnel
with smoke.
It took crews nearly
two hours to extract his
vehicle from the
tunnel. No injuries
were reported. Officials
are still investigating
whether there is any
connection with this
incident and the
disgruntled passnger
phone calls the TTC has
been receiving lately.
-submitted by Lam my
One Eng Sci found
at Dinner Dance
On November the llth the
Engineering Science Division
planned and executed a dinner
dance at the Colony Hotel. When
the Toike Investigative Team (TIT)
heard about Eng Scis socializing, we
had to go to witness this rare
occurrence.
When the team reached the
hotel, what was found was
spectacular. While the place was well
decorated, there was only one
person there! When the team
questioned this lone eng-sci. he had
this to say "I got here with all my
books and thought that this was
going to be a big extra help session.
All the posters saying things like
'Enchantment Under the C+ + ' and
'FETa cheese' confused me. Besides,
what would you think if you heard
about students from every year and
faculty coming together for an
evening?" Content with that answer,
the team made use of the bar. and
then left.
$ ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DOLLAR $
Ever wonder where all those high tuition dollars go? Well
you're in luck, because the Toike Oike Analysis and Statistics
Team (T.O.A.S.T.) has gone ahead and done the math for you.
The following figures are all based on a complicated algorithm
which considers the following factors: An 0T4's average
tuition, the average amount of time spent in class per week,
and Factor of Safety 2.0...
A 20 MINUTE NAP in class costs $2.20,
assuming you nap 3 times a week, you
will spend nearly $198 in the whole year.
Might as well bring a pillow to make
it worthwhile.
PROVING that 0 does in fact
equal - 0 costs a whopping $3.00.
In a smaller class of 120, that still
costs everyone $360. That's half
an hour of your life and $3 you'll
never see again.
OCCASIONALLY something
good shall come of your time
in class. Cross your fingers
and hope that Kool-Ald Man
crashes your lecture, or maybe,
just maybe, you'll understand
delta-epsilon... who knows?
ATTENDING A LECTURE you don't
understand costs you $6.60.
Assuming you Just don't get It 1.5
times a week, you've just spont
$297. Now hold on a second, if an
entire class of 240 students fires a
blank, then that's $71,280 down the
drain.
Concept by Kovln Au, Adrlane Lau, and Monty Nandra. Copyright (C) 2000
A STUPID QUESTION asked by your
classmate costs the entire class up to
$30.80 a minute, that's over $150 for a
5-minute question. FLUSHHHHHI
FAILING A QUIZ costs $13.20,
spending two hours on one that
will never be counted In your
mark costs the same.
Where does all your hard work
and studying go? All that time
you were hunched over the
desk crunching numbers and
racking your brains? (hope
that's all you were racking.)
Unfortunately you don't pay
for it... It's "worthless" in the
big picture. So go to class,
because that's where your
, money goes.
Toike Oike Volume #94 No.3 is brought to you by: Contributors quoted
in bylines, plus other people I've forgotten Editor-in-Chief David Perry
Web Bitch Bob J Distributors firosh volunteers Eng Com Chair Erin
Barkel Eng Com SysAdmin Matt Parker (PageMangler hasn't crashed
since you took over) Publisher Weller Publishing Inc. Special Thanks
to John Wheeler. E-Gate Communications. Engineering Stores. M B.
Disclaimer
(This part is real)
The Toike Oike is intended to
be a humourous newspaper.
Thus nothing in it should be
taken as fact. Do not attempt
anything you read in this
newspaper. The opinions
expressed do not necessarily
represent those of the University
of Toronto, its Engineering
Society. our sponsors,
contributors, or the army of
Santa Claus impersonators in
malls.
Any names used were chosen
at random for humorous
content. They do not. and are
not intended, to represent actual
persons, living, dead, real,
imaginary, or any combination
of the above, if your name was
used in a story, congratulations!
You beat the odds.
We are aware that not
everyone shares this sense of
humour, if you don't find
anything in this newspaper
funny, send something funny to
me. 1 have a mailbox in the
Engineering Society, or you can
email it to me at toike@skule.ca .
That is also the address to mail
complaints and job offers.
c §ood luck to everyone on your exams! 3ind remember: we may not get 2 whole weeks off, but we’ll always have rgodiva Week.