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L\0^ f./D/ 



Slave a holly, jolly exam period with 

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LGMB claims presidency in US 


Val Colden. 

To ike Investigative Team 

Washington DC. November 25. 
2000. 9:1 1 am - After the confusion 
over who would be the next 
American president entered its third 
week, martial law was briefly 
declared, and George W Bush named 
himself as the next president. But 
while attempting to move his 
belongings into the White House. 
Bush was confronted by a loud and 
apparently drunk group who 
identified themselves as the Lady 
Godiva Memorial Bnad. He 
attempted to call White House 
security, only to discover that since 
the declaration of martial law. the 
rambunctious troup had created 
their own Bnad's Fucking Cecuritee. 
To add injury to insult, the bnad 
proceeded to serenade Bush with 
their rendition of Louie Louie, 
causing his eardrums to rupture. 

The LGMB were able, even in 
their drunken state (DC), to organize 
and conduct a press conference. At 


this conference it was revealed that 
the Bnad arranged for the 
controversial "butterfly ballot" to be 
used in Florida, and thus confuse the 
simple-minded voters there. They 
had intended to immediately claim 
the presidency after it was discovered 
that the vote count was inconclusive, 
but they hesitated, instead partaking 
in a post-midterm bender in their 
newly-acquired country of 
Greenland. By the time they had 
reasonably sobered, the United 
States of America became the 
Divided States of No Known Leader, 
and the declaration of martial law 
had the effect of actually bringing 
more order to the country, 
compared to the chaos of re-re-re- 
recounting the votes. The bnad had 
to act fast, so they quickly staggered 
in and took the presidency as they 
had previously planned. 

When asked what their next 
target would be. the LGMB was 
secretive. They muttered 
incoherently among themselves. 



The motley crew trying a new number Chariots of Fire (tile photo) 


then finally revealed that they were 
going to press Northwards, back into 
Toronto, and take over the Nathan 
Philips Square skating rink and the 
Peel Pub (not necessarily in that 
order). One member said that they 
would then move into Alaska, but 


another member corrected him. 
saying "there's nothing up there 
anyway, why bother?" Having 
completed their press conference, 
the bnad did a troop move of a few 
units back to Greenland, took their 
card, and passed the dice. 


Shocking new study! 

Exams are health nightmare 


Danny Sundararajan. 

To ike Investigative Team 

In a recent health study, a group 
of researchers has come to the 
conclusion that exams are unhealthy 
for engineers' health. During a typical 
exam schedule, engineers' healths 
deteriorate. Not only is the 

combination of little sleep and too 
much stress unhealthy, but also shown 
to be a contributing factor is the huge 
amounts of caffeine ingested. 

This reporter wanted to learn 
more, so he headed to the office of the 
head of the study for comment. 
Doctor Foolish had this to say. "I really 
don't understand why this occurs, 
when I was an undergrad. I never had 
stress during exams." Doctor Foolish 
also related something else. 'While this 
does occur during the time of exams, 
there is also another troubling time, 
which we call the day of the last exam, 
where there is a huge consumption of 
alcohol within a short amount of time. 

1 just don't understand, after a time of 
so little sleep. I know I would sleep, why 
don't engineers do that?" 

This reporter was about to attempt 
to explain to the doctor the reason 


when this reporter looked at the 
doctor's degree and saw that his 
undergrad came from the Faculty of 
Arts & Science. Knowing that there 
was no point then, this reporter made 
ready to leave when Doctor Foolish 
related an anecdote. "I once went up 
to a doctor in my practice who had a 
leather jacket on with the words 
Skule™ printed on them. 
Remembering my investigations of 
engineers. I remembered that that was 
their code word. When I got closer 
the jacket had Eng Sci on its sleeve. I 
asked my colleague if he could explain 
my findings to me. He read the report, 
smiled, tapped his ring (possibly made 
of steel or something) on his finger, 
and walked away laughing. Do you 
know why he would do that?" Doctor 
Foolish finished recounting his story 
and then asked. "Why are you laughing 
too. what's with you engineers?" This 
reporter promptly left the good 
Doctor's office in mirth. 

Seriously readers, while exams are 
hell, don't kill yourself over them 
(otherwise how will you be able to 
enjoy the future issues of the Toifce!). 


Down with 
Hooray for 

Elf S. Independent Columnist 
Around this time of year, the 
good Gentile girls and boys expect a 
visit from Santa Claus to give them 
all sorts of toys and presents. Santa, 
the "jolly old soul" who delivers toys 
to near and far, has the respect of 
millions of people worldwide for 
bringing joy and cheer. 1 think it is 
time for the truth to be known! 
Santa is entirely undeserving of such 
respect, and we. the Elves Requiring 
True Words to be spoken, demand 
that you stop this mindless worship 
Santa Claus (or Heavy C as he 
likes us to call him) is largely in the 
public spotlight nowadays. He's 
often seen in malls, storefronts, 
parades. Canadian Tire commercials, 
etc. With all these public 
appearances, when do you thinh he 
makes all the toys that you whine 
and make insane promises for? 
Simple, he doesn't While he's out 
getting all the glory, the true 
workers are back at the North Pole 
slaving away. Why is that? He can't 
do the work himself. Brace yourself 
for a shock: Santa is an Arts and 


Santa! 

Elves! 



Sciences graduate! He lacks both the 
skills and knowledge necessary to 
make even basic toys such as the 
rubber ball. So he hires all of us 
underprivileged elves, possessors of 
Engineering degrees but unable to 
find work due to the migration of jobs 
Southward f where else will they go 
from the North Pole? -Ed.], for a 
pittance to do all the work. I mean, 
look at your average Artsie off the 
street. Do you think they have any 
idea how a Slinky works, much less 
how to make one? Santa is no better 
off. 

It's time to give credit where 
credit is due! Down with Heavy C! 
Boycott his parades! Ignore his 
photo sessions! Demand to see the 
real heroes of this holiday time! 


http://toike.skule.ca 

bttp://engsoc. skule. ca 

Funniness Online - hosted by EGate Communications 

Engineering News Online - hosted by EGate Communications 



Page 2 


Volume #94 No. 4 




5Joliday procrastination 


Favourite Holiday Songs 
of People Around Eng Soc 

A random selection of students around Eng Soc 
and the Atrium were polled, and gave us their 
favourite festive tunes: 

"My personal favourite has to be 'I “What conference?" 

Saw Three Ships'." -Whars-her-face. 

-Mark Ford. some officer or something 

former Concrete Canoeist 

"Nothing says 'festive' like the 1812 
"It's all aboot fs/cJVne 'Good King Overture." 

Wenceslas'. Did you know that the -Dave Wright, 

tune for that can be used with the former Chief Attiiiator 

words to Godiva's Hymn? Pretty 

fucked up. eh? And the tune from "Whenever I hear my Commodore 
Blues Traveller's Hook' sounds 64 play strains of 'Silent Night' on 
exactly lihe Canon in D." its all-powerful SID chip, it brings a 

-Adam Walker tear to my eye." 

LGMB junior ieedur -Matt Parker. 

Eng Com System Administrator 

“I'd have to say 'Here we go a 

wassailing' is my favourite. It's my dirty little secret that my 
Wassailing means drinhing, right? favourite song is 'White Christmas'. 
Man. I could go for a drinh. Anyone If you tell anyone I'll hill you." 
else? Anyone?” -Matt darkiord' Lenner 

-Ken McNeil, aspiring Suds 

co-manager “Anything beats the silence I've had 
to worh through. Whoever stole the 
“It's not really a holiday song, but speahers from Eng Com is gonna 
I've been greatly inspired by pay!" 

Counting Crows' 'I've been Hanging -Dave Perry. 

Arou n d . ' ” Toike editor (and not bitter) 



Engineering Students defective? 


Toike Investigative Team 

A situation recently arose at the minutes of deliberation all the 
University of Toronto's Faculty of board members were in agreement. 
Engineering The administration is Starting school on a Thursday and 
forcing a recall on all students by ending on a Wednesday just makes 
Thursday. January 4th. According sense." 

to several staff members, it appears All students are expected to 
that several, if not all students are return to school at 9 am. Thursday, 
defective. January 4th. 2000 where the faculty 

"What can we say? We’ve been will proceed with the following 
examining some students and it schedule: 

seems that they're not performing 9:00 am: Line up inside Sanford 
up to par with our standards. Fleming 

They're obviously not functioning 10:00 am: Speeches by the heads of 
correctly, they must be defective." the faculty 

said Professor Meekes. 1 1:00 am: Hard kicks to the posterior 

Administration agrees; "By for each student (given by staff) 
calling the students back on the 12:00 pm : Departmental Lunches 
Thursday, we are effectively cutting 1:00 pm: Congratulational 

their vacation by a whopping four Speeches 

days, now that's efficiency!", said 2:00 pm : Second round of kicks 
Gordon Ross, a U of T executive. 3:00 pm: Pop quizzes 
"We looked at our alternatives, and We hope that all students 
we've thought long and hard about adhere to the regulations of the 
the students schedule. After tiring Faculty. 


® weloe Days of 

by gmsan Sxrylb 

On the ‘FTRST day of exams my professors gave to me, 
an 9 in 99J7180. 

On the S‘E C 809J© day of exams my professors gave to 
me, 

two failed bridges, and an T In 99)7180. 

On the 79)9$S) day of exams my professors gave to me, 
three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an 7 in 
99)7180. 

On tbe < F0 C USL C T9) day of exams my professors gave to 
me, 

four delta epsilons, three cups of coffee, two failed 
bridges, and an 7 In 99)7180. 

On tbe ^779) day of exams my professors gave to me, 
five sleepless nlgbts!!! ‘pour delta epsilons, three cups 
of coffee, two failed bridges, and an 7 in 99)7180. 

On tbe 879)79) day of exams my professors gave to me, 
six minutes remaining, five sleepless nights! ‘Four delta 
epsilons, three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an 
7 in 99)7180 

On tbe 87 C V £ E9)79) day of exams my professors gave to 
me, 

seven unsolved equations, six minutes left, five sleepless 
nights! ‘pour delta epsilons, three cups of coffee, two 
failed bridges, and an 7 in 99)7180. 

On tbe £ E9 C 89)99) day of exams my professors gave to me, 
eight unknown values, seven unsolved equations, six 


Do you Engineering Science 
students find making snowballs 
too practical? Not enough theory? 



Try the new auto-ball. 
Only $90.95 from K-Tel. 


JJere wa go a-waffllng among tbe leave* so green. ..waitamlnlt... 



thg (iDiki 


Volume #94 No. 4 


Page 3 



l£xnm% 


minutes left, five sleepless nights! 'pour delta epsilons, 
three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an T in 
99JT180. 



On the 9! c I9f < T51 day of exams my professors gave to me 
nine eigenvectors, eight unknown values, seven unsolved 
equations, six minutes remaining, five sleepless nights! 
Tour delta epsilons, three cups of coffee, two failed 
bridges, and an T in 95W180. 

On the C T < E3J C T5J day of exams my professors gave to me, 
ten recursive functions, nine eigenvectors, eight 
unknown values, seven unsolved equations, six minutes 
remaining, five sleepless nights! Tour delta epsilons, 
three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an T In 
95I°fl80. 

On the < E c L < E c V‘E3i c r9J day of exams my professors gave 
to me, 

eleven full strength aspirin, ten recursive functions, 
nine eigenvectors, eight unknown values, seven unsolved 
equations, six minutes remaining, five sleepless nights! 
Tour delta epsilons, three cups of coffee, two failed 
bridges, and an T 1» 95JT180. 

On the TWEI/FTSt day of exams my professors gave to 
me, 

twelve differentials, eleven full strength aspirin, ten 
recursive functions, nine eigenvectors, eight unknown 
values, seven unsolved equations, six minutes 
remaining, five sleepless nights! Tour delta epsilons, 
three cups of coffee, two failed bridges, and an T 1» 
99JT180. 


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Holiday Programming Schedule 

Get ready for another fantastic year of holiday television viewing. It is 
the time of the season for corporations to remind us just how much we 
need them through the sponsoring of holiday television programs. The 
Toike has compiled the following list of holiday specials that you 
shouldn't miss. 


Martha Stewart's Christmas Special 

From the Diva of the home comes 
the newest in her series of Christmas 
specials. Building on last year lesson 
of killing turkeys for the holidays, 
this year we will learn how to clean 
and gut them. Miss Piggy is 
guaranteed to make an appearance 
and hit on some guy who is way out 
of her league. Also, look for the long 
line of drunken celebrities. Last year 
was Dennis Franz (NYPD Blue) who 
talked for over seven minutes on the 
benefits of "wassailing". 

CBS Dec 12 - 18:00 EST 

Christmas Sing-AIong Death Match: 
Anne Murray vs. Rita MacNeil 

This year's release of Christmas Sing- 
Along Death Match features two of 
Canada's most acclaimed singer/ 
songwriters. Anne Murray and Rita 
MacNeil, both canucks from the East 
coast, will face each other in a to- 
the-death sing-along with under- 
privileged children. Rita has been 
the champion for the last two years, 
replacing John Denver as the 
champion. Rita has been perfecting 
her 'rolling belly' finishing move. 
Will she beat Murray, the upbeat 
children's crooner, and take the 
crown for a third time? Tune in to 
find out. 

CBC Dec. 22- 17:00 EST 

The Muppets and Carlos Santana 
Supernatural Christmas Special 

Every child's favourite comedy 
troupe of stuffed socks will be hosting 
their traditional Christmas special. 
The sometimes adult-themed show 
will be full of the familiar antics of 
Gonzo. Kermit et al. As is the norm, 
the show will feature a mystery guest 



This year it's Carlos Santana. As in 
all of his appearances of late. Carlos 
Santana will also have a mystery 
guest. This time it's Rob Thomas 
from Matchbox Twenty. This evening 
will be fun for all. The semantics of 
the guest-within-a-guest problem 
will surely delight many an Eng Sci. 
FOX Dec. 18 - 23.00 EST 

Dis is da'Chief of the (non-existant) 
BFC. I have bracked this article 
becausel wanted to recommend a 
holiday special to you all. The 
episode of Seinfeld where George 
celebrates Festivus instead of 
Christmas by raising a pole in his 
house is very inspiring. In fact, I 
believe that we will have a Festivus 
celebration of our own here at the 
Bakery, thanks to the engineers at 
Queens. But I recommend you 
watch it. And remember: WE ARE 
WATCHING. 

A Traditional Christmas with 
Eminem 

Everyone should tune into this fun- 
filled hour with everyone's favourite 
rapper. Eminem, under fire of late 
for not selling enough hate- 
mongering records, is making his 
attempt to reach an even younger 
demographic. Eminem has promised 
to make this evening "f**king fun for 
all" through a happy mixture of 
content for adults and children. This 
is a true family special where parents 
can learn valuable lessons on how 
not to raise children, and the little 
ones can learn valuable lessons in 
fake wife killing, pistol-whipping, and 
general bigotry As an added extra. 
Eminem will share his secret "how to 
twist the media around your pinkie 
finger" recipe. CMT Dec. 6 - 17:00 EST 


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Tm not looking forward to exam.. H don’t think tb.y’ll be qulning m. on bow to edit . new.paper. 




Page 4 


Cjlfrr (Strike ([Dike 


Volume #94 No. 4 


You can’t make this crap up! 


Germans seeking airport 
toilet end up in Moscow 


FRANKFURT (Reuters) - Two 
drunken Germans, apparently 
looking for a toilet during a 

conference at Frankfurt airport, got 

on a plane by mistake and flew to 
Moscow. 

The 20-year-old men were 
wandering round the 
airport when they 
found themselves on 
the tarmac and 

boarded a shuttle bus 
which drove to a 
Lufthansa plane 
bound for the 

Russian capital. 

"They got in and 
sat in the back of the 
aeroplane which 
then flew to Moscow." said Frankfurt 
state prosecutor Job Tilmann. 

"They weren't even at the airport 
to fly anywhere. They were at a 
conference and had been walking 
around, evidently in a drunken 
stupor." he told Reuters on 
Wednesday. 

On arrival in Moscow, they 


realised they had no passports. let 
alone entry visas. Russian police put 
them on a flight back to Frankfurt, 
where Federal Border Police charged 
them with joyriding. 

Bild newspaper said the men had 
been looking for a toilet at the 

mu 



I bet you didn thnow the bnad was German ' 

airport. "That may be so." said 
Tilmann. 

A Lufthansa spokeswoman said: 
"There is no way they could have got 
down to the tarmac without passing 
a security check. We don't know how 
they got there. The problem is they 
don't remember." 

-submitted by Don 


Blue and Gold Drink contest winner 

The winner of the contest to create a drink we can be proud to call 
a Blue and Gold is Dan Siegal. The winning drink is a shooter, a mixture 
of Blue Curacao and Goldschlager. "They don't layer." Siegal said, "but 
they make this cool holographic effect." 

The drink is now available as a standard shooter at Suds. Siegal’s 
entry won a narrow victory over another mixed drink, beer and beer. 


Elderly male drives car into 
subway station 




Spadina Street car 
service was shutdown 
for nearly two hours at 
around 8pm last 
Thursday. Toronto 
Fire crews responded 
to the report of a fire 
in the Spadina subway 
station as smoke filled 
the subway platform 
and bellowed from the 
street car entrance 
above. Upon arriving, 
fire crews discovered 
the source of the smoke was 
originating from burning rubber 
from a Ford Taurus station wagon 
that had driven down the street car 
tunnel, despite the huge sign reading 
"No Rubber Tired Vehicles Allowed." 
When the elderly male realized this 


The unfortunate driver getting his ticket 


"Now how do we get it out?" 


was not the drive through metropass 
kiosk, he attempted to turn his 
vehicle around. Lodged in the 
tunnel, his bumper caught on the 
elevated street car rails. Not 
realizing this, he stepped on [the] 
accelerator, burning out his tires 
[and] filling the tunnel 
with smoke. 

It took crews nearly 
two hours to extract his 
vehicle from the 
tunnel. No injuries 
were reported. Officials 
are still investigating 
whether there is any 
connection with this 
incident and the 
disgruntled passnger 
phone calls the TTC has 
been receiving lately. 
-submitted by Lam my 




One Eng Sci found 
at Dinner Dance 

On November the llth the 
Engineering Science Division 
planned and executed a dinner 
dance at the Colony Hotel. When 
the Toike Investigative Team (TIT) 
heard about Eng Scis socializing, we 
had to go to witness this rare 
occurrence. 

When the team reached the 
hotel, what was found was 
spectacular. While the place was well 
decorated, there was only one 
person there! When the team 
questioned this lone eng-sci. he had 
this to say "I got here with all my 
books and thought that this was 
going to be a big extra help session. 
All the posters saying things like 
'Enchantment Under the C+ + ' and 
'FETa cheese' confused me. Besides, 
what would you think if you heard 
about students from every year and 
faculty coming together for an 
evening?" Content with that answer, 
the team made use of the bar. and 
then left. 



$ ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DOLLAR $ 

Ever wonder where all those high tuition dollars go? Well 
you're in luck, because the Toike Oike Analysis and Statistics 
Team (T.O.A.S.T.) has gone ahead and done the math for you. 

The following figures are all based on a complicated algorithm 
which considers the following factors: An 0T4's average 
tuition, the average amount of time spent in class per week, 
and Factor of Safety 2.0... 


A 20 MINUTE NAP in class costs $2.20, 
assuming you nap 3 times a week, you 
will spend nearly $198 in the whole year. 
Might as well bring a pillow to make 
it worthwhile. 


PROVING that 0 does in fact 
equal - 0 costs a whopping $3.00. 
In a smaller class of 120, that still 
costs everyone $360. That's half 
an hour of your life and $3 you'll 
never see again. 


OCCASIONALLY something 
good shall come of your time 
in class. Cross your fingers 
and hope that Kool-Ald Man 
crashes your lecture, or maybe, 
just maybe, you'll understand 
delta-epsilon... who knows? 



ATTENDING A LECTURE you don't 
understand costs you $6.60. 
Assuming you Just don't get It 1.5 
times a week, you've just spont 
$297. Now hold on a second, if an 
entire class of 240 students fires a 
blank, then that's $71,280 down the 
drain. 


Concept by Kovln Au, Adrlane Lau, and Monty Nandra. Copyright (C) 2000 


A STUPID QUESTION asked by your 
classmate costs the entire class up to 
$30.80 a minute, that's over $150 for a 
5-minute question. FLUSHHHHHI 


FAILING A QUIZ costs $13.20, 
spending two hours on one that 
will never be counted In your 
mark costs the same. 


Where does all your hard work 
and studying go? All that time 
you were hunched over the 
desk crunching numbers and 
racking your brains? (hope 
that's all you were racking.) 
Unfortunately you don't pay 
for it... It's "worthless" in the 
big picture. So go to class, 
because that's where your 
, money goes. 


Toike Oike Volume #94 No.3 is brought to you by: Contributors quoted 
in bylines, plus other people I've forgotten Editor-in-Chief David Perry 
Web Bitch Bob J Distributors firosh volunteers Eng Com Chair Erin 
Barkel Eng Com SysAdmin Matt Parker (PageMangler hasn't crashed 
since you took over) Publisher Weller Publishing Inc. Special Thanks 
to John Wheeler. E-Gate Communications. Engineering Stores. M B. 


Disclaimer 

(This part is real) 

The Toike Oike is intended to 
be a humourous newspaper. 
Thus nothing in it should be 
taken as fact. Do not attempt 
anything you read in this 
newspaper. The opinions 
expressed do not necessarily 
represent those of the University 
of Toronto, its Engineering 
Society. our sponsors, 
contributors, or the army of 
Santa Claus impersonators in 
malls. 

Any names used were chosen 
at random for humorous 
content. They do not. and are 
not intended, to represent actual 
persons, living, dead, real, 
imaginary, or any combination 
of the above, if your name was 
used in a story, congratulations! 
You beat the odds. 

We are aware that not 
everyone shares this sense of 
humour, if you don't find 
anything in this newspaper 
funny, send something funny to 
me. 1 have a mailbox in the 
Engineering Society, or you can 
email it to me at toike@skule.ca . 
That is also the address to mail 
complaints and job offers. 


c §ood luck to everyone on your exams! 3ind remember: we may not get 2 whole weeks off, but we’ll always have rgodiva Week.