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PAGE 2 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CV 


Editorial 


Another year, another month, 
another issue of Toike. If you’re 
upset because we scrapped the 
topless January cover from the 
past few years, don’t worry. 

I’ve included the topless photo 
below to make up for it. 



See? We’re even allowed to 
show the nipples in the picture 
above because they belong to a 
man. You're welcome. 

Now that you’re nice and un- 
comfortable, let me preface this 
issue by apologizing for how 
weird it is. Like, I thought it was 
going to be pushing the bracket 
a little bit when we planned out 
the content, but then while I 
was finishing up the layout, I 
realized things turned out a fair 


bit stranger than I had 
intended, to the point 
where I’m not even 
quite sure what’s being 
satirized in a few cases. 

So if you find yourself 
putting this tabloid 
down in the middle 
of reading it because 
you've spent the last 
ten minutes in discon- 
certed confusion, and 
that wasn’t what you were plan- 
ning on doing this afternoon, 
take some comfort in knowing 
that I was doing exactly the 
same thing on New Year's Eve. 

Speaking of which. Happy New 
Year! With the next semester 
ahead of all of us, I’d just like to 
say that... dammit. The Senior 
Staff Writer already did that 
whole spiel in his own column 
below. This is the problem 
with writing my editorial after 
everything else is already done. 
Oh well. 

The whopping 16 pager you’re 
holding right now is the Swim- 
suit Issue of Toike Illustrated, 
our take on the steamy SI swim 
covers and on the men’s 



ike 

V) THE UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO'S HUMOUR NEWSPAPER SINCE 1911 


magazine industry as a whole, 
bless their souls. Hopefully the 
set of collectible interior covers 
tickles your fancy and adds 
some warmth to you winter. 
We’ve also created a glorious 
swimsuit centre spread which 
we’re pretty sure is exactly what 
everyone wants to see. But 
enough from me. Go peruse 
the pages yourself, and enjoy 
a dollop of distraction before 
you have to start cramming the 
coursework. 

Swimmingly, 

Ryan Williams 

Editor-in-Chief 


LETTERS TO THE EDITOR 



Dear Editor, 

I am writing from my 
small village in a re- 
mote part of the tropi- 
cal rainforest and suf- 
fering from a strange 
pain in my abdomen. 

My tribe's Witch Doc- 
tor told me that the 
only way he can cure my 
condition is by making 
love to my wife. Now, 
this has worked many 
times before, but I'm 
starting to doubt that 
all my illnesses and 


maladies can be fixed 
with just one remedy. 
Then again, I'm not a 
W.D. 

Sincerely, 

Sick and Confused 

Dear Sick and, 

While this is not my area of 
expertise, I'd recommend you 
cross-check you’re doctor’s 
methods by asking your wife 
how well she thinks the cure is 
working. A second opinion can 
be valuable. 

- Ryan 


Send your own letters to the editor! Email toike@skule.ca with the subject "Dear Editor". 


Write-itorial 


(The Senior Staff Writer) 


Season’s Greetings. 

Yes, it’s Second Semester sea- 
son again, but it’s also Godiva 
Week season and “How could 
I possibly do worse than first 
semester” season (you’ll see). 
The Toike team has worked 
hard to bring you a fresh Toike 
in time for Godiva Week. We’ve 
got lots of new content for the 
new year and the new you! 

So as you flip through some 
articles on 2016 fashion trends 
and easy new New Year's Reso- 
lutions, take a minute to enjoy 
that new(s) paper smell. 


On a different note. I want 
to remind everyone to keep 
an eye on Justin Trudeau’s 
government in the coming 
months and years. Our age 
group contributed a lot to 
the Liberal Party’s success 
this election, so we should 
keep tabs on their work, if 
for no other reason than to 
lampoon any broken prom- 
ises with Toike articles. 


Anyway, I hope everyone 
relaxed and recharged their 
brains in preparation for the 
new semester. Good luck, don’t 
eat yellow snow, and JOYN 
TEH BNAD. 


Catch you on the flip side, 
Allan Song 
Senior Staff Writer 


VOLUME CV — ISSUE IV — JANUARY 2016 


B740 Sandford Fleming 
10 King’s College Road 
Toronto, ON M5S 3G4 

tel: (416) 978-2917 
fax: (416) 978-1245 
http://toike.skule.ca 
e-mail: toike@skule.ca 


Ryan, 

I read your paper, and 
was shocked by how much 
bad language there was. 
I want you to come home 
now so I can wash your 
mouth out with soap. 
Love, 

Mum 

Mum, 

But... my mouth has nothing to 
do with this. It’s just my hands, 
and I promise I wash those 
every day. 

- Ryan 


EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 

Ryan Williams 

SENIOR STAFF WRITER 

Allan Song 

STAFF WRITERS 

Peter Cargill 
Kelly Hunter 
Brandon Lista 
Simo Pajovic 
Diana Pcsce 

GRAPHICS COORDINATOR 

Cyrus Lau 

GRAPHICS STAFF 

Sourabh Das 
Sauscn Jcssa 
Harry Jiang 
Brandon Lista 
Leigh MacNicl-Taboika 
Kayla Steadman 

PHOTOGRAPHY 

Ahmed Ujjainwala 

EDITING COORDINATOR 

Namya Syal 

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER 

Stephen Gidge 

WEB EDITOR 

Ozan Co§kun 

CONTENT REVIEW 

Kelly Hunter 
Simo Pajovic 
Diana Pesce 

COMICS 

Josh Davis 
Brandon Lista 
Simo Pajovic 
Ryan Williams 

PRINTER 

Weller Publishing Inc. 

SPECIAL THANKS TO 

The Dark Lord Sithrak 



COLOPHON 

Once every month, the Toike Oike staff travels back in time to the year 2573 
BCE, at around 3pm on September 9th, where they intercept the Egyptian 
priestess Hephsa' Ra Tep as she is about to perform a ritual opening of a portal 
to the spectral ether. By convincing her to do the rites while mildly intoxicated, 
and subsequently harassing some goat-headed ethereals, the staff obtains the 
new issue of the Toike from within the portal. On the way to meet the priestess, 
of course, they must eliminate temporal paradoxes by killing their former 
selves coming to get last month’s issue. This means that if you're reading a copy 
more than a month old, you should proceed with caution since you are literally 
holding a dropped stitch in the fabric of space-time. 

WHAT HO? 

The Toike Oike is clothing designed to be worn by people engaging in a water- 
based activity or water sports, such as swimming, diving and surfing, or sun- 
orientated activities, such as sun bathing. Different types may be worn by men, 
women, and children. The Toike Oike is described by a number of names, some 
of which are used only in particular locations. 

DISCLAIMER 

The super sexy, wet-and-wild opinions expressed in this newspaper reflect 
those of the Engineering Society and the University of Toronto. In fact, they 
even reflect the opinions of the writers and the engineering community in 
general. NOT! If you happen to find any of the material within these pages 
offensive, do not try to sue us, as we have a crack team of racially diverse 
lawyers ready to bring tha pain and give out mix tapes. Sucka MC’s ain’t shit. 



S UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO 

ENGINEERING SOCIETY 

The Toike Oike is a member of Canadian University Press 












| ISSUE IV JANUARY 2016 -PAGE 5 


*)* "Tttertuvwztu- 

(foileye St. Q, 


Dammit 

Now we need to find 
another way to fill this 
column. 


MSE Sex Positions: New Adult 
Entertainment Trend Crystallizes 


Virginia Cumming 

Toike Oike NSWF Connoiseur 

C onnoisseurs of adult enter- 
tainment will be pleased to 
discover that a new film studio 
has recently opened its doors, 
and is looking to make a unique 
impact on the industry. 

Crystal Productions specializes 
in a unique market: materials 
science. But non-MSEs needn’t 
worry - the stars have made 
sure that their films are appeal- 
ing to even the most clueless 
humanities major. Some of 
their more popular videos thus 
far include Missionary Impos- 
sible: Simple Cubic, starring 
Violet Gentian, and Hunter Ball 
Peens Hot Babe with his Nano- 
Structured Surface, starring 
Ruby A. Lumina and Hunter 
Steel. The studio is hoping their 
more niche videos, like Twink 
Student Plays with Teacher’s 
Buckyballs During APS169 
and Kinky Twins Perform 


Juan Kerr 

Toike Oike Thermal Correspondent 

I t’s that time of year - baggy 
sweaters and sweat pants 
are pulled up from the depths 
of our closets to fight off the 
cold winter blahs (and cover up 
those extra pounds from Christ- 
mas... and Thanksgiving... and 
Halloween... and last Saturday). 
But not everyone is suffering 
from that holiday food-guilt. 
Our favourite runway models, 
the Toike Oike Angels, hit the 
stage earlier this month for 
their much-anticipated annual 
Winter Wonderland Collec- 
tion Fashion Show. Showing 
off their perfectly sculpted 


Hardness Test on Unsuspect- 
ing Engineering Student will 
bring more traffic to their site 
and allow them to expand their 
market further. 

Adult stars have said that work- 
ing with the studio is almost as 
fun as precipitation hardening 
for the first time. “We like that 
they based the company off of 
signature moves: the body-cen- 
tred cubic, and the face-centred 
cubic,” explained Perry Ovskite, 
star of Her First Time Surface 
Grinding and the soon-to-be- 
classic compilation Randy's 
Adventures in Necking. “Yeah, 
we’re really hoping to feature 
some precision ball milling and 
stuff in future videos,” Ovskite’s 
costar Anna Timony (known for 
her amazing cleavage patterns) 
revealed. Director Mica Rock- 
well hopes to expand on the 
unit cell market as well. He's 
already got a title in mind: After 
Strain Hardening for Hours, 
Jackson Releases. 


figures while simultaneously 
setting unrealistic standards for 
women everywhere, our Toike 
Oike Angels prove that they are 
as cool as ever. 

This year’s collection has taken 
a daring leap from the tradi- 
tional Santa-themed winter 
lingerie. Many critics are on 
ice about the risky decision to 
cover the runway with more 
swimsuit-inspired designs. 

To counter this, lead Angel 
designer Victoria Sahkrette 
assures, “This change in vision 
may seem radical, but you'll see 
that our Fire and Ice Water Col- 
lection is a brilliant testament 


When asked how the idea for 
Crystal Productions came 
about, producer Ava Gadro 
gave us an insight into the 
studio’s creation. “The industry 
was really in a rut," Gadro said. 
“We were looking to revitalize 
it - make it a little flashier, like 
brighter than backscattered 
electrons in an SEM, y’know? 
And we thought ‘what’s sexier 
than overly extended meta- 
phors? Nothing, that’s what.’ 
And bam - we had a pom - I 
mean, adult entertainment 
studio.” 

So whether you’d rather watch 
Candy’s First College Experi- 
ence, Guy Brings Teen to Twist 
Boundary, or Tiffany Tries 
Roll-Bonding, the stars of 
Crystal Productions have you 
covered. 

A note from the Toike Oike: 
we’d like to recommend visiting 
porn.skule.ca for all your, uh, 
“adult entertainment” needs. 


to the un melting spirit of our 
models. They’ll be getting wet 
come summer anyways. It’s a 
great way to cut our expen - er, 
be environmentally friendly.” 

Of course, no Winter Wonder- 
land Show would be complete 
without some shocking scandal. 
One Toike Oike Angel corre- 
spondent revealed that one of 
the angels had allegedly “Net- 
flix and chilled” with another 
Angel’s boyfriend. This led to 
catfights and cold shoulders 
within the Angel team: every 
attempt to mitigate this conflict 
has only been met with bitter, 
icy rejection. 


News 

Briefs 

New Study Shows 
People Who Say They 
Don't Judge Actually 
Judge the Most 

A recent study has identified 
the most judgemental demo- 
graphic amongst North Ameri- 
cans, finding that people who 
claim that they don't judge are 
actually really judgemental. 

A group of random North 
Americans were placed in a 
room and shown footage of 
various judgeable things includ- 
ing guys wiping cheetos crumbs 
on their pantlegs, drunk people 
going man-down at parties, and 
several dubious wardrobe com- 
bination choices. Researchers 
measured the amount of time 
until the participants comment- 
ed and qualitatively studied 
their remarks. 

Those who mentioned that 
“[they] don’t judge” had the 
greatest tendency to make 
judgemental comments about 
what they were presented with 
in the shortest period of time. 
Researchers involved say they 
are unsurprised by the results, 
and that all those judgy people 
need to get some respect for 
themselves. 

Fap-Fap Revolution 
Becomes Sleeper Hit 

A new masturbation-based 
mobile game, Fap Fap Revolu- 
tion , has a become a hit almost 
overnight on the App Store and 
Google Play. The game, which 
is a spin-off of the popular Tap 
Tap Revolution, has the player 
“peel the carrot" (or for the 
ladies “flick the bean") to the 
rhythm of all their favourite 
tunes. It takes advantage of the 
gyroscopes present in many 
of today’s smartphones and 
keeps track of the user’s daily 
masturbation habits. The game 
can even send critical data such 
as frequency and most-jerked- 
to songs to the player’s doctor 
and/or psychiatrist. 

The player starts the game off 
with a 30 second sample of 
Katy Perry's “Firework" and 
the full version of a song by an 
artist nobody knows. They can 
purchase more songs later on, 
including the My Little Pony: 
Friendship is Magic theme song 
(which was so widely demanded 
that it caused the developer’s 
server to crash upon release). 
Fap Fap Revolution is free on 
all mobile platforms, and fans 
can expect the sequel, Fap Fap 
Forever , some time in 2016. 



PAGE 6 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CV 

Dear Miss Ogeny 

Dating Advice that's 
Totally Up to Date! 

Dear Miss Ogeny, 

My girlfriend is a feminist. 

What should I do? 

- Trent Darrington, Jr. 

Well Trent, you’ve definitely 
come to the right place, as we 
here at the Toike Oike are pros 
at dealing with feminists. The 
first tiling that you should know 
about feminists is that they’re 
very sex-positive. Obviously, 
this extends to your relation- 
ship as well, so you're free to 
sleep around as much as you 
want. Since she’s a feminist, she 
won’t mind - she’ll even support 
you (there’s nothing a feminist 
hates more than slut-shaming!) 
Another habit you’ll have to rid 
yourself of is holding doors. A 
real feminist will appreciate you 
slamming the door in her face, 
because she'll recognize you as 
a fellow supporter of women’s 
rights. You should also make 
sure to loudly proclaim how 
much of a feminist you are. 

I mean, make sure you don’t 
actually do any of the things 
you say you do (that’d basically 
ruin your reputation), but your 
girlfriend will love you for say- 
ing that you're a feminist too! 
Good luck with the bitches, 

Miss Ogeny 

Dear Miss Ogeny, 

So, I took Intro to European 
History as my elective last 
semester, and I didn’t really 
learn much. Well, actually 
that's not true. I learned that 
I have one hell of a fetish for 
historical figures. Knowing 
how much influence these 
people had is just such a turn- 
on for me. I mean, don’t get me 
wrong, I’m not into, like, Jesus 
or anybody. No homo. But the 
chicks, man. They’re just so in- 
nocent and pure, when I think 
about them I just can’t control 
myself, which is probably why 
they won 't let me into the ROM 
anymore... Anyways, that’s not 
important. I’ve tried satiating 
my cravings by reading history 
textbooks late at night, and 
binge-watching Night at the 
Museum. But my roommates 
are getting pretty concerned, 
and the librarians are starting 
to ask me if I’m researching for 
my thesis, which is super awk- 
ward to explain. I’ve read all 
the books about her already... 
She’s so virtuous, so pure... 
Look, I just really wanna bang 
Joan of Arc, okay? 

What should I do, Miss Ogeny? 
Sincerely, 

Thomas Aquinas 

Thomas, 

What the actual fuck. 

Sincerely, 

Miss Ogeny 


Women's Fashion Governed by 
Voodoo, Planetary Alignments 


Virginia Cumming 

Toike Oike Resident Aquarius 

R esearchers at top-secret 
facilities in Milan and 
Paris have published an expose 
detailing exactly how women’s 
clothing sizes are determined. 
Fashion designers across the 
world use a combination of 
voodoo and astrology to size 
their garments, a fact which did 
not surprise any woman who 
actually buys clothes. 

“One month, you’re a 12 in one 
brand and a 7 and a half in 
the other. Next month, you’re 
a 7 in the first brand and a 35 
in the other. Like, I obviously 
thought something was up," 
says Maddison, a Pisces. “I no- 
ticed that I could buy clothing 
more easily around March, but 
I thought, like maybe it’s just a 
coincidence? But now, I mean, 
it’s totally not, ‘cause I know 


r 


my sun and moon signs. It all 
makes sense!" 

The report describes the sizing 
practices of the major fashion 
labels, so anyone wishing to buy 
a particular article of clothing 
for the season is strongly en- 
couraged to read the document 
in full to avoid any dressing 
room mishaps. For the average 
shopper, the researchers noted 
several trends that appeared 
across brands. Mars rising 
tends to cause a decrease in 
amount of fabric used, meaning 
that consumers should expect 
to be several sizes above their 
baseline during this period. In 
addition, both Saturn and Nep- 
tune descending cause a slight 
increase in sizes (usually by 
approximately 1-2 standard size 
units), which should be taken 
into account when making pur- 
chases during these times. 


Independent researchers at the 
London College of Fashion have 
recently published their find- 
ings based on this report, citing 
a correlation between sacrifice 
rituals performed in the month 
of the animal’s moon sign and 
one’s ability to find the “perfect 
pair of boyfriend skinny jeans”. 

Since the report’s release, sales 
of candles and incense have 
increased tenfold, as many 
women are increasingly prefer- 
ring chicken or goat sacrifice 
to spending hours in a dress- 
ing room. For those opposed 
to animal cruelty, experts are 
recommending wearing penta- 
gram amulets in the wearer’s 
birthstone. However, they 
caution that this method is less 
effective, as blood is the only 
real way to appease the fashion 
gods. 




W. 

RYERSON UNIVERSITY 

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/mi fulfillrd nil 1 If rr^uirmrni, iftbt fnpum *f \tuAy. tlf </<x rrr *f 

CUTTING TECHNIQUES 

and PRETENDING to be a REAL UNIVERSITY 

■in./ gram d/I it f nfbn dud pnr/hfn dttnddiu ifciw* 

/. .w. .W« a In* mtn nitJdnr udmtr Stdld/O* Udmrady 






Engineering Student Writes Program to Automate Self 


Steven Seagull 

Toike Oike Background Script 

L ast week, third-year Indy 
student Sanveer Naidoo 
released the code he wrote to 
automate his bodily functions. 

A large portion of the commu- 
nity has since been zombified. 

Over the course of winter break, 
Sanveer wrote scripts for many 
actions and processes according 
to his circadian rhythm. “It was 
really quite easy to figure out,” 
Sanveer says. “It was just a lot 
of human factors and ergonom- 
ics. And I did it all in Python, 
so the code practically wrote 
itself." 


His Git repo has an impressive- 
ly long list of actions, covering 
everything from blinking to eat- 
ing to having sex. “I wasn’t sure 
everyone would be using that 
last one, so I included mastur- 
bation too” explained Sanveer. 

Since he pushed the code last 
week, students have been 
enthusiastically installing the 
software in themselves. “This is 
just what I needed in my life,” 
says Amanda Greer, a second- 
year student in ECE. “Now I can 
focus exclusively on my labs. 
Sanveer is a lifesaver.” 

Mr. Naidoo’s current project 
is an API that will allow him 


to automate his social interac- 
tions. “Instead of thinking of 
texting my girlfriend to tell her 
I love her, I will be able to set 
a time interval in my mind to 
automatically send a heart. And 
that’s just one small example of 
the potential optimizations” he 
proudly stated. He added, "My 
daily face-to-face social interac- 
tions are vacuous anyway. Au- 
tomation will allow me to run 
these graphical interfaces in the 
background so I can focus on 
my studies in peace.” 

Most recently, he uploaded a 
sample of his work in progress, 
an email generator that applies 
to voicemails from his parents. 


It’ll all end in Biers... 


eiti?tein 

Serving up a good time 
Every time since ?T 6! 

5.99 lunch Weekdays 

MONDAYS 
Cheap liker 
Red Hot Poker T our 

Upo r«(iitratii«) 

Toonie TUESDAY 
shots & apps 

Open Mike / Pub Quiz 
WEDNESDAY 

Cwd (MM, llUt J* l/tl. 

WjriN! Kill U t Hi* tllll-* >9* 

Giant Bier Sale 
THURSDAY 

(StM Sptoill 

BURP! FRIDAY 

(DltTHM'I'l**) 

live Musk; SATURDAY 

TM Mil icti tr«n w *yn nit 
l»ii IM iIk* • 

Free fool & 
Comedy SUNDAY 

Ttrirtt'i IuimiI M*0l* (ait 

Iht met -mr 

All Day Breakfast 
Weedends 

229 COUEGE STREET 

416/59-STEfN 
Facelxxiir. einsteiipuh 
Twittear einbierhalle 



Ask && 

Dear Annie 

This is my final year in school, and I 'm not 
entirely sure what to do with my life after this. 
What am I supposed to do with my undergrad 
in electrical engineering? 

From, 

Dear Annie, 

I commute to school from Oakville, and I always 
worry that I miss all the social stuff because 
I’m never around at night. I see pictures of my 
friends hanging out on Facebook. and I hate not 
being involved. What should I do? 

an 

Lost 

Dear Lost, 

From, 

Lonely 

Artsci! 

What you're supposed to do with your undergrad 

Dear Lonely, 

in electrical engineering is order politely when 
I, with my undergrad in Irish history, make you 
your daily flat white (half skim with a shot of 
hazelnut and a dash of whipped cream) on your 

You’re an engineering student, which means that 
what you should do is rest easy knowing that no 
engineering parties are actually cool. Think of 
what you’re doing right now as arranging to have 

By: Artsci Annie 

way to work as an electrical engineer. 

no shame about your lame present social life a 
few years down the road. Now, if you were a com- 
muting history student, then you’d be missing 
some parties. 


Movie Review 
UTSUAGM: The 
Folks Awakens 

I. P. Errwhere 

Toike Oike Subliminal Messenger 

Forgive me if my opinion is 
unpopular, but this film 
captures the meaning of 
kindrtess, integrity, and 
true kinsmanship. About a 
heroic student union, this 
epic tells the story of an 
unwavering speaker who 
tries to challenge the 
status quo at his 
university. A must-see. 


EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Ron Suprun, Skule's Queen Of Spades, Spills All! 



T his past month has been 
Ron Suprun’s last as the 
incumbent Godiva’s Crown, and 
as preparations are made for 
the torch to be passed on, we 
at the Toike felt it was time for 
some answers. The following 
interview gives the responses 
Ron provided to some of the 
more controversial questions 
that the Engineering commu- 
nity has been dying to ask since 
last year. We apologize if the 
answers cause any discomfort. 


Tell me about yourself, in terms 
of your relationship with the 
Dark Lord Sithrak. 

Oh we had a thing one time, it 
wasn’t anything major. 

Would you rather have your 
body found on a pile of sex toys 
or a pile of drugs? 

Huh, I’ve never thought about 
that! I guess since I woke up 
covered in methamphetamines 
this morning, I’d have to say 
sex toys. Gotta change things 
up once in a while, you know? 

What's the place in a 2 km ra- 
dius of SF that you’d most like 
to visit? 

Well, I haven't been to the 
dumpster out back in a while. 
It’s about time I visited home 
again. 


Favourite flavour of cott soda? 
Cream soda, for sure. I like the 
pink one because it makes me 
feel gayer. 

What’s the best part about 
watching grass grow? 

I think it’s the moment when 
you breathe in the scent of 
nature and realize, “God, I’m so 
fucking lonely." Very cathartic. 

How often do you breathe? 
Whenever necessary. It keeps 
the skin clear and the soul 
young. 

What toaster setting do you 
prefer? 

Medium 

In pounds, how big of a bear 
could you kill with only your 
hands? 

I’m not really much of a fight- 


er; I’m more of a lover. Except 
for the one time I ran over a 
pigeon with my bike. That was 
pretty gruesome. 

Are you a cop? You have to tell 
me if you’re a cop. 

No comment. 

Using only ingredients found 
in Hard Hat, what would you 
make as a five-star meal for 
Gordon Ramsay? 

I’ve heard that the silverfish 
that you can find crawling 
around the floor are actually 
considered a delicacy in some 
countries! 

Would you like fries with that? 
Always. 

If you had to choose between 
a night with Will Merrick, and 
winning the lottery, what kind 


of car would you buy with the 
money? 

You can’t just assume I'd 
choose winning the lottery; 
Will’s a great guy! I’d get a 
Tesla Model S, though. 

Cash or credit? 

You mean you won't take my 
dowry of three and a half 
goats? 

2 trains leave Pittsburgh at 
14:00 hours. Train A is travel- 
ling at 23 km/h in an eastward 
direction, while train B is trav- 
elling at 65 km/h but stopping 
every 23.78 km for 3478 s. Why 
don’t my parents love me? 

How am I supposed to answer 
that?? You didn't give me the 
direction that train B is travel- 
ling in. I need to plug that in 
the formula! 





v >. / 


JJJu 


f m 


’tMHuU 

MjiJir fuinuii 






| ISSUE IV JANUARY 2016- PAGE 11 


Recent Study Suggests Newspaper Column Width 
Proportional to Writer's Penis Size 


I. P. Errwhere 

Toike Oike Measurement Specialist 

A new study from an all-male amateur research group based in Dickenside, 

Virginia suggests that the column width of a newspaper article is proportional to 
the size of the author's penis. 

“This gives an all new meaning to the popular expression ‘the pen-is mightier than 
the sword,’” said A. S. Shoal, the study’s main author. When asked about the group’s 
motivation, he simply stated “it’s for the greater girth.” 

Findings indicate that the mass, length, and radius of the author’s penis are directly 
proportional to the column width. “We took a sample consisting of ourselves and a 
couple of writers for some popular magazines and newspapers,” Shoal explained. 
“Oh, which ones? Just Motor Sport Magazine, Guns & Ammo, The Toike Oike, and a 
few others... all very well-known and reputable. Don’t worry too much about it.” 

This journalist is inclined to believe this hypothesis. The study seems to be very 
thorough indeed and legitimate, matching personal observations almost perfectly. 


“We haven’t found any relationships between column length and penis size, but pre- 
liminary research has shown that writers who use big words are definitely compen- 
sating for something,” stated Shoal. 

Shoal says that out of all the samples. The Toike Oike had the highest number of 
(relatively) large penises among its writers, having only one particularly tiny outlier. 
And boy, was this one miniscule. Like, sooooo small. Nobody likes that guy, either. 

So what comes next for this breakout research group? Besides elaborating their re- 
search on column length, Shoal says the team is going to take a ballsy risk and study 
testicle sizes next. And let me just say, if my personal observations hold any water. 
Shoal’s team will likely find even more proportionality. 

Other groups have already jumped on this pioneering research, and repeated 
measurements of the constant of proportionality, denoted D’ by most , indicate 
that, roughly, 8 = D’. There also seems to be link between the number 69 and the 
observed trends, but the competition in this newly erected field of research remains 
stiff. 


Comment: The Above 
Article is Total Bullshit 


Mike Literus 

Toike Oike Averagely-Endowed Writer 


T he study 
described 
in the ar- 
ticle above is 
stupid and 
dumb and 
wrong. Like, 
what kind of 
research is 
that, even? 
Clearly they 
had no prop- 
erly executed 
scientific 
method, and 
their conclu- 
sions were 
garbage. 


You can’t 
tell anything 
about a per- 
son’s genetalia 
from what 
they write 
(unless they’ re 
writing a 
description of 
their geneta- 
lia), and it’s 
even crazier 
to think you 
could reveal 
things from 
the format- 
ting!! That’s 
not even the 


writer's job! If 
Shoal’s work 
is correct, that 
means the 
person doing 
layout uas 
total control 
over how 
big the John 
Thomases of 
all the staff 
are. The edi- 
tor would be 
able to make a 
final call every 
month on how 
all the guys 
writing for the 
Toike measure 
up. 


Furthermore, 
what would 
that result im- 
ply for women 
writing news 
pieces? Is 
this “research 
team” going to 
be publishing 
further stud- 
ies on cavity 
depth and its 
connection to 
formatting? 
What a bunch 
or sickos. 


The Toike Oike Suggests... 

aMSCagssVesij© 

lassiMSsiigB 

Tired of New Year’s Resolutions that you can’t stick to? The Toike 
Oike has got you covered with some great ideas! 

1. Quit Facebook 

2. Join Tinder 

3. Lose three pounds (deal with constipation problem) 

4. Lose 150 pounds (dump boyfriend) 

5. Find pants - you may need your phone, keys, and wallet 

6. Drink less expensive liquor 

7. Learn to love keg beer 

8. Make more friends... 

9. ...on MySpace 

10. Buy a gym membership... 

11. ... Let someone else use it. 

12. Come up with better excuses to give up on resolutions 

13. Come up with better excuses to start a revolution 

14. Quit smoking cigarettes 

15. #Y0L042oBLAZEITF0RJESUS 

16. Switch to 8K 

17. Don’t let your dreams be dreams 

18. Come up with better New Year’s resolutions for next year 


Nickelback's Most Anticipated 
Singles of 2016 


Hugh G. Dildcaux 

Toike Oike Aural Exepert 

I t has finally happened: 2016 
has arrived, and with it the 
hype regarding Nickelback’s 
new singles has skyrocketed. 
After the announcement the 
band made in late November 
2015, the Toike’s best report- 
ers were granted an exclusive 
interview. 

“It’s been tough over the past 
few years: the mockery, the 
teasing, the seemingly endless 
jokes that we have been forced 


to endure" says lead singer 
Chad Kroeger. “But we’ve 
worked through it, and are 
stronger because of it. We are 
now happy to announce that we 
will be releasing 10 new songs 
this year that we think you are 
going to love.” 

In order to write their songs, 
the band spent long hours in 
the most exotic and dangerous 
places in the world in order to 
capture “raw emotion”. This 
included meditating in the 
Tibetan mountains for hours 
on end, bush-whacking through 


Brazilian rainforests, paddling 
the Nile river, swimming in 
Australia during shark season, 
and crashing the UTSU AGM. 
They hope that the lyrics will 
“touch your heart in all the 
right places... and all the right 
ways.” 

After polling 1000 participants 
actually willing to listen to brief 
samples of each song, we cre- 
ated a list of what we think are 
the top 5 that people are most 
excited about, listed on page 12. 
We hope you are as pumped as 
we are! 


The Greatest Websites You've Never Heard Of 

The Toike's Recommendations from Around the Web for 201 6 


Kark Clent 

Toike Oike Deep-Web Diver 

http://www.daisuke.net/ 

One of my friends was telling 
me how I just had to check out 
this website to watch some 
pretty cool shows. And boy was 
he right! I dunno where you can 
go to watch the things he was 
talking about, but this has got 
to be the greatest website ever! 

I mean, it would be cooler if it 
were easier to move around on 
the website, but it’s certainly 
worth it to just look at this cat 
picture. A must see! 3/5 

http://fuckinghomepage. 

com/ 

Holy fuck is right. If you like 
random facts, and swearing, 
this is definitely the site for 
you! This is one fucking awe- 
some site for people who like 
educating their ignorant asses 
while not giving a shit about 
strong language. From random 
ass facts to sweet ass website 
links, if you can think of it, well, 
there’s still no guarantee they’ll 


have it. A potentially bitchin’ 
home page. Fuck. 3.5/5 

http://www.essaytyper. 

com/ 

For when you have an essay to 
do, and just don’t care enough 
to actually do the work. Load 
up the website, type in your 
topic, and it’ll give you a perfect 
prompt. All you have to do is 
type. The weird thing about this 
website is that it didn’t actually 
type what I wanted it to type. It 
kept talking about all of these 
random points that had nothing 
to do with what I was typing. I 
even tried typing garbage and it 
turned it into actual words. This 
website is super weird, but good 
if you’re in a rush and don’t 
value your GPA, or future... 2/5 

http://r33b.net/ 

I don’t even know why this web- 
site is here... I just... 10/5 ALL 
GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD. 

http : //www. staggering 
beauty.com/ 

At first it seems like a pretty 


harmless website about a cute 
dancing worm that follows your 
pointer. Then it turns into a 
rave machine if you move your 
pointer fast enough, which is 
pretty much the coolest thing 
ever. Would definitely become 
a hit at parties if it ever took off. 
If not, it’ll probably still be a hit 
at my parties. Then again, that 
might just be the ecstasy. 4/5 

http://www.pornhub.com 

I had no trouble finishing a 
thorough review of this website, 
and I would have thought it 
was more popular. I mean, who 
doesn’t love free porn? They've 
got almost everything! And 
yet strangely, everyone who 
I spoke to swore that they’ve 
never even heard of Pornhub. 
Some of them said they didn't 
even know what porn is, which 
I found kinda weird. But hey, 
if they’ve never heard of it, I’m 
doing even more of a service to 
our readers with this review. 
Great site. Great videos. It re- 
ally should be more popular 
given that it’s free pom. 575” 



PAGE 12- THE TOIKE PIKE, VOL CV | 



TOIKEOSCOPES 


ifr >Sf # # 9 


ARIES 

A photon reflecting off Mars 
will initiate a photosensitive 
reaction in your brain, 
causing you to be a douche 
this month, so at least now 
you have an excuse. 


TAURUS 

You'll soon realize 
colloquialisms aren't the 
same abroad. For example, 
later this month, when you'll 
agree to "get stoned". 


GEMINI 

Come at the New Year with a 
playful attitude and a desire 
for joy, and you'll be sure 
to wind up failing in all the 
same ways you did last year. 


CANCER 

Bring harmony and 
positivity to others by 
vacating yourself from their 
conversation. They're having 
a good time. Don't ruin it. 


LEO 

You may find it hard to make 
sense of your emotions 
today, but there's a good 
chance that's just the acid. 


This month, you're sure to 
find pleasure in the comfort 
of others. 

Nope, not that kind. You 
wish. 


tfe 3* # «& 


The movement of Ceres 
across your primary 
quadrant suggests it's a good 
time for self improvement. 
Bit of a lost cause in your 
case, though. 


SCORPIO 

Sometimes it's okay not 
have all the answers, and at 
other times, like right now, 
the number of things you 
still can't figure out means 
you're basically fucked. 


SAGITTARIUS 

This month, try leaving 
the trail and going off the 
beaten path. With any luck, 
you'll get lost and no one 
will have to put up with you 
any more. 


CAPRICORN 

The most hilarious thing 
ever is going to happen in 
your lecture next week. Too 
bad you'll be asleep. 


AQUARIUS 

You're the star of you own 
movie, so go out into the 
world and remind yourself 
why no one likes low-budget 
TV flicks with dry plots and 
rro attractive actors. 


PISCES 

Your horoscope is awesome, 
but it's in braille. Sucks that 
our publisher doesn't do 
embossing. 


Want to join the Toike? 


Read this Black Box! 

Are you fairly hilarious? We want you! 

Can you photoshop like a boss? .loin our graphics team! 

Do you want to try your hand at humour writing? Become one of our staff writers! 

Do you have the mad English skills required to pick out our typos and grammar follies? Do content editing for us! 

Head over to www.toike.skule.ca/ioin and set on the mailing list! 

You’ll automatically lie notified of upcoming meeting dates, times, and locations. 

Alternatively, if you're interested in something specific, like graphics, editing, or distribution, email toikefaslade.ca and let us know! 

Gel involved with your friendly neighbourhood Toike Dike! Anyone can join. 

II doesn 1 matter what year, faculty, discipline, or college you’re a part of; if you can read tiiis then you’re good enough for us. 








. I ilKe 

P Illustrated 


STRHITSUIT EDITION 







ISSUE IV JANUARY 2016 - PAGE 15 



Xfipr iciujj nl|*htx in I lie computer Ini*. 
Slew* 6uJ,V liiw rnounli niroy to walk his rude. 




Well well 


well.. 


nm 


WHflCI 



Are you hungry? 


Because I'm about to feed you a 
knuckle sandwich!! 


I only eat 
sandwiches that 
are gluten free 




You betrayed the family, 
and for that, you'll be sleeping 
with the fish 


l 

c 

ID 



Mike Literus |. p. Errwhere